For your dining and dancing pleasure, what follows is the complete
rundown of the 92-93 Simpsons episodes.

"THE SIMPSONS" EPISODE GUIDE:  SEASON FOUR

(as of May 13, 1993)

This is the episode guide to the fourth season of "The
Simpsons".  The structure of this guide is the same as
the guides for prior seasons:  episodes are listed in
order of original airdate; the listing includes Fox
production codes, episode titles (which are rarely
broadcast), what Bart writes on the blackboard and what
happens on the couch, as well as a summary of the major
developments in the story.  (Thanks to Sondra Roy and
Bill Oakley for titles and codes)

0.   Aug 27 1992  8F23   Brother Can You Spare Two
Dimes

Board:    I will not fake seizures.
Couch:    Everyone turns cartwheels before sliding in
(except Maggie)

The power plant has just given its employees a
physical.  Smithers is going through the results and
finds out that Homer's been rendered sterile due to
overexposure to radiation.  Burns calls in a team of
hot-shot lawyers, who recommend a settlement involving
a token sum of money.  Meanwhile, below the "Poverty
Line", we find a group of hoboes.  One of them is
Homer's half-brother Herb Powell (voiced by Danny
Devito), who used to own a car company until Homer put
him out of business (see 2nd season guide).  Herb wants
to get back on his own feet; all he needs are an idea
and some cash.  More on Herb later.  Back home, Bart
fails to complete a couch vault (part of the Living
Room Olympics), and the couch falls apart as a result. 
Homer is very despondent over the loss of the couch --
they go way back, you know.  How will he replace it? 
Perhaps he'll use the $2000 that he got from Burns for
signing the settlement -- except Burns tells him it's
an award for general excellence (complete with its own
trophy and overblown ceremony).  He'd like to use the
money to get a Spinemelter 2000 chair, but the family
has other plans (a set of Great Books, a machine gun, a
new washer and dryer).  What to do?  Enter Herb Powell,
who's learned of Homer's sudden fortune and will
swallow his pride to ask for financing for his idea. 
The family is happy to see Uncle Herb, but not Homer. 
That's understandable, for Herb punched Homer in the
jaw.  Later, Herb explains why he wants to borrow money
from them -- he's invented a Baby Translator, a device
that translates a baby's cries and noises into English.
He uses Maggie to demonstrate the Translator -- it
works!  The Translator's the hit of the Baby Expo, and
the orders start to pour in.  Herb Powell is back in
business, thanks to the Simpsons.  He repays the $2000
loan and gives them all what they wanted (well, Bart
only got an NRA membership).  He also forgives Homer --
they are brothers once again.

NOTE:  This is a holdover from the 3rd season, but its
airdate is closer to the fourth season, so I've decided
to list it here.

1.   Sep 24 1992  8F24  Kamp Krusty  *SEASON PREMIERE*

Board:    This punishment is not boring and pointless
Couch:    Fred, Wilma and Pebbles Flintstone are
waiting for them.

It's the last day of school, and report cards are
handed out.  Bart has a C- average (courtesy of
sweet-talking Mrs. Krabapple), so he gets to go to Kamp
Krusty.  When the final bell rings, it's open season --
trash the school!  Flamethrowers, axes, wrecking balls
. . . but it's only Bart's dream.  It really is the
last day of school, and Bart really gets a D- average
(while Lisa's really bummed out over one B+).  Bart
forges his card to show an A+ average, but Homer's not
fooled.  He decides he'd rather spend 6 weeks without
the kids at home than teach Bart a lesson, so it's off
to Kamp Krusty for Bart and Lisa!  While they're gone,
Homer and Marge have the time of their lives.  Why,
Homer's lost some weight and started growing some hair!
 On the other hand, Kamp Krusty turns out to be a big
rip-off.  Krusty's licensed his name to some shady
outfits before, and this is the shadiest.  The cabins
are falling apart, and so are the canoes.  The meals
consist of imitation gruel.  The nature hikes are more
like death marches.  The counselors (Rolf, Jimbo and
Kearny) are slave drivers who live in luxury while the
campers suffer.  Lisa dispatches a letter home telling
of the terrible conditions, but Homer & Marge dismiss
it as homesickness.  One day, "Krusty" pays a visit to
the camp (it's really a drunk Barney).  Bart can't take
it any more, and he leads a revolt.  The kids take over
the camp, now renamed Camp Bart (figures).  Word of the
trouble reaches Krusty in England, where he's attended
Wimbledon and is about to be knighted by the queen.  He
returns home and speaks to Bart.  He breaks down as he
confesses his mistakes.  To make it up to the kids, he
treats them to two weeks in Tijuana, Mexico!  And as we
fade out, the closing theme is replaced by "South of
the Border Down Mexico Way."  Even the Gracie Films
theme goes Mexican.  Ole!

2.   Oct 01 1992  8F18  A Streetcar Named Marge (by
Jeff Martin)

Board:    My name is not "Dr. Death"
Couch:    They all make it, but the couch turns into an
ugly monster and eats them.

Marge decides to audition for a musical version of "A
Streetcar Named Desire".  She tells everyone else, but
they're too engrossed in the Miss American Girl pageant
to notice.  After the pageant ends, they notice (and
take her to task for not telling them before).  There
are many recognizable faces at the audition, including
Chief Wiggum, Apu, Mrs. Lovejoy, and Ned Flanders. 
Flanders wins the part of Stanley.  Marge flunks her
audition, but when directory Llewellyn Sinclair (voiced
by Jon Lovitz) hears her calling home, he decides to
cast her as Blanche.  She has some trouble getting into
the role.  Maggie's presence at rehearsal is not
helping, so it's off to daycare -- the Ayn Rand School
for Tots, the only school not under investigation for
any wrongdoing.  Life is strict at the school -- no
pacifiers!  Maggie finds that nothing will sooth her
like her pacifier, so she organizes a plan with the
other babies to liberate the pacifiers from their
locker (shades of "The Great Escape").  The first plan
fails, but a second attempt succeeds!  The babies have
their pacifiers again.  Back to Marge:  she still can't
get into the part.  Sinclair takes her aside and
describes Stanley in very vivid and familiar terms. 
Suddenly, it all makes sense -- for Stanley, think
Homer!  After that, she has no problem with her
motivation!  But she does have problems with Homer's
motivation to support her in her efforts (he's more
interested in his hand-held bowling game).  Finally,
Opening Night arrives.  The show's a success, and Marge
is the hit of the show!  Bart and Lisa were impressed
-- and so was Homer, although in a different way.  For
once, he did get something out of it.  Marge is
pleased, and they go home happy.

3.   Oct 08 1992  9F01  Homer the Heretic  (by George
Meyer)

Board:    Did not appear in US. "I will not defame New
Orleans" appeared in Canada.
Couch:    Couch is missing, family is mystified.

It's a cold and snowy Sunday morning, but that won't
stop the Simpsons from going to church.  But it will
stop Homer; after reluctantly getting out of bed, he
rips his "church pants" and decides to return to bed. 
The family goes to church without him.  At church, the
furnace is out, so the congregation is freezing. 
Later, the doors freeze shut, and Willy the
groundskeeper has to thaw them out.  As if that weren't
enough, the family car is very reluctant to start. 
They arrive home feeling terrible.  Meanwhile, Homer's
in a very good mood.  He does a "Risky Business"
takeoff; he makes some waffles for himself, and he
settles down on the couch for heavy-duty Three Stooges
and football.  And to top it off, he finds a penny. 
Today's the best day of his life, he says, and all
because he didn't go to church.  Therefore, he's not
going to church again.  Marge is very upset with Homer
for saying this; she prays for him and asks for
assistance from the Flanders's to convince him to
change his mind.  But after a dream in which Homer
meets God, he's convinced his path is the best path. 
Next weekend, the sermon at church is "When Homer Met
Satan."  And at home, Homer is living a debauched life.
He goes to sleep on the couch while smoking a cigar --
big mistake!  Suddenly, the house is on fire!  Homer's
trapped and doesn't know what to do.  The dog tries to
rescue him (and ends up rescuing a Hershey bar). 
Flanders sees the fire, rushes in and tries to save
Homer.  He ends up throwing Homer out of the 2nd story
window and onto a mattress, but Homer bounces back into
the living room.  Finally, Flanders and Homer make it
out of the building.  The fire department saves most of
the house.  Later, Homer is convinced of the error of
his ways.  He'll be front row center at church next
week -- and he is.  He's also asleep, dreaming about
another encounter with God.

4.   Oct 15 1992  9F02  Lisa the Beauty Queen  (by Jeff
Martin)

Board:    I will not defame New Orleans.
Couch:    All but Maggie run past the edge of the film,
then run back to the couch.

There's plenty of excitement at Springfield
Elementary's Carnival, "the happiest place on earth": 
Disney lawyers beaten to a pulp by ex-Green Beret
Principal Skinner ("copyright expired!"), Bart's
three-card monte booth, Jimbo's Spookhouse, and a
caricature booth.  Lisa has her caricature done, but
she is not happy with the result.  In fact, she's
devastated; she thinks she looks ugly.  Meanwhile,
Homer wins a free ride on the Duff Beer blimp.  He's
really looking forward to the ride, but he gives it up
for a chance to make Lisa happy.  He sells Barney the
ticket for $250, which is what the entry fee for the
Little Miss Springfield Pageant is.  Homer plans to
enter Lisa in the pageant, but she refuses.  A
mother-daughter chat clears things up, and she agrees
to enter.  Now come the preparations -- a trip to the
beauty parlor (Turn Your Head and Coif), some tips on
walking on high-heels and using petroleum jelly from
Bart, and it's off to the pageant!  Lisa does not win
(Amber Dempsey does), but she's the first runner-up. 
In the event that something were to happen to Amber,
Lisa would take over the crown.  Sure enough, something
does happen to Amber:  she is struck by lightning at a
dedication.  Suddenly, Lisa's the new Little Miss
Springfield!  She enjoys the role at first -- the
dedications, the wax museum unveiling, appearing with
Bob Hope (voiced by himself), etc.  But she is shocked
to find out that she must promote Laramie cigarettes
when she rides the Laramie float in the big parade.  As
the parade marches down the street, she comes to a
decision:  STOP THE FLOAT!  No more corporate shilling
for Little Miss Springfield; she will now speak out
against injustice wherever it is found.  After tackling
college football, she sets her sights on Mayor Quimby. 
He meets with Laramie and pageant officials to find
some way to restore Amber as Little Miss Springfield. 
They find a way:  on Lisa's application, Homer wrote in
a space marked DO NOT WRITE IN THIS SPACE.  As a
result, Lisa is disqualified, Homer is upset, but Lisa
still feels better about herself.

5.   Oct 29 1992  9F04  Treehouse of Horror III  (by
several)

Board:    Does not appear.
Couch:    The family, as skeletons, sit on the couch.
Gravestones:  Drexell's Class, Buckminster Fuller/I'm
With Stupid, American Workmanship

As in years past, the Halloween episode contains three
short stories tied together by a wrap-around situation.
This year, the wrap-around is the Simpsons' Halloween
party.  Lisa introduces the first story, Grandpa
Simpson the second, and Bart the third.

CLOWN WITHOUT PITY:  It's Bart's birthday, and Homer
forgot to get Bart a present.  He swears on his
father's grave he'll get a present that night (Grandpa
takes offense at that).  He goes to this strange
Oriental store (a la "Gremlins") and buys a talking
Krusty doll.  He learns the doll is cursed (and so's
the Frogert that comes with it).  Bart is happy about
the doll, but Homer soon regrets his purchase.  The
doll says he's going to kill Homer and tries to knife
him but fails.  The family doesn't believe him.  The
incidents continue -- the bathtub, the dollhouse, etc. 
Homer captures the doll and throws it down a bottomless
pit, but it escapes and returns home to terrorize Homer
again.  Marge calls for help, and a Krusty Co. rep
comes out and surveys the situation.  Turns out the
switch on the back of the doll was set on EVIL instead
of GOOD, and the rep fixes that problem.  Now the
doll's a perfect helper.

KING HOMER:  As you would expect, this is a parody of
KING KONG, with Homer in the title role and Marge as
the Fay Wray character.  Marge joins up with Burns &
Smithers' expedition to Ape Island in search of King
Homer.  Once there, she's caught by the natives and
prepared for sacrifice to King Homer.  When the two
meet, they become enamored of one another.  After a
fierce struggle, Burns & Smithers capture King Homer
and prepare to take him to Broadway (it is at this time
that Smithers becomes another snack for King Homer). 
At the theater, King Homer breaks free of his chains,
finds Marge, grabs her, and tries to climb the Empire
State Building.  He only gets as far as the second
floor before he collapses, his career dead.  Perhaps he
should have eaten more vegetables instead of people.

DIAL Z FOR ZOMBIES:  Bart tries to get away with
reading a pre-school book for a book report, but Mrs.
Krabapple doesn't fall for it and tells him to find
another book.  He finds a book of magic spells in the
occult section of the school library.  Later, we learn
it's been four years since Snowball I was run over, and
Lisa is feeling sad.  Bart decides to cast a spell to
bring back Snowball.  They go to the Pet Cemetary
(passing the graves of Fish Police, Capitol Critters,
and Family Dog), and Bart casts the spell.  Except he's
cast the wrong spell!  Snowball doesn't return from the
dead, but everyone else in the cemetary does!  Zombies
are on the loose, looking for brains to survive!  Bart
and Lisa return home and tell Homer, but he's not very
concerned.  Later on, though, he gets very concerned as
the zombies (or the "living impaired") break into the
house.  They go for Homer but reject him -- no brains. 
Barricaded in Lisa's room, the family ponders the
situation.  Bart suggests finding a book with a spell
that will cancel his first spell.  They head to the
library, protected by Homer and his rifle.  Bart finds
the book and casts the spell.  Oops, wrong spell;
Lisa's a snail.  He tries again, and this time it
works!  Lisa's restored; the zombies head back to their
graves (or most of them, anyway).

Once again, the Simpson theme and Gracie Films theme
were arranged in an appropriate manner for the season.


6.   Nov 03 1992   9F03  Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie
(by John Swartzwelder)

Board:    I will not bury the new kid.
Couch:    All make it, but it springs a leak and
deflates.

It's parent-teacher conference night at school, and
Homer and Marge ask Grandpa Simpson to babysit the
kids.  The conferences go as you might expect.  Homer
visits Lisa's teacher, Ms. Hoover, who has nothing but
high praise for her.  Marge gets an earful from Bart's
teacher, Mrs. Krabappel.  In fact, she's forced to
write "I will try to raise a better child" over and
over on the blackboard.  Bart needs more discipline,
says Mrs. K.; otherwise, he'll never amount to
anything.  With that thought running through their
minds, Homer and Marge arrive home to find that Bart
has broken Grandpa's dentures.  He was biting LPs and
swinging from the ceiling fan with the dentures in his
mouth.  Bart's punishment:  being sent to his room
without supper.  This time Mom & Dad mean it, he
thinks.  Later, Homer sneaks him a slice of pizza. 
This gives Bart the license to do almost anything,
because he "knows" Homer will soften and not punish him
as hard as Marge would.  Microwaving a James Bond doll,
letting goats inside the house, ripping up the carpet
-- Bart easily deflects the punishment.  One day, the
kids are on the couch watching a documentary on Itchy &
Scratchy, which is more of a promo for the new I&S
movie due to open soon.  Bart was supposed to watch
Maggie, but he fails to notice her crawl off the couch
and into the car.  Soon, Maggie is driving through
Springfield!  She crashes into the prison, breaching
the walls and causing a jailbreak.  Bart's really done
it this time, and Homer lowers the boom:  he forbids
Bart to see the Itchy & Scratchy movie -- ever!  Bart
pleads to no avail, and he's forced to suffer the
anguish of being the only person in town not to see the
movie.  For several months, Homer refuses to budge; he
thinks that if he's firm with the boy now, he'll grow
up to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.  Eight
months and nine Oscars pass, and Homer still hasn't let
up.  Was it worth it?  Flash forward 40 years, where
Chief Justice Bart and an elderly Homer go see the I&S
movie at a classic animation festival (with BEAUTY &
THE BEAST second on the bill).

7.   Nov 05 1992   9F05  Marge Gets a Job (by Bill
Oakley and John Weinstein)

Board:    I will not teach others to fly.
Couch:    All make it, but their heads are all on the
wrong bodies.

At home one day, Marge notices that things appear to be
slanting.  She's right -- the house is slowly sinking
on one side!  The Simpsons have foundation problems. 
Homer tries to do the repairs himself but gives up
after he's thoroughly confused by the instructional
videotape.  He calls Surly Joe's Foundation Repair, and
they tell him it'll cost $8500.  Homer thinks that's
too much and vows to find another repair shop. 
Unfortunately, there isn't another one in town, and the
family does not have $8500.  So Marge decides to apply
for a job.  But where to apply?  How about at the power
plant, where a retirement vacancy needs to be filled? 
Marge types up her resume.  It's a little bare, so Lisa
offers to pad it.  And does she pad it.  When Smithers
reads the resume, he's so impressed that he hires Marge
on the spot.  Her first moments on the job are a little
shaky, but she gets the hang of it eventually.  One
day, Burns is surveying the workforce via security
cameras.  When he sees Marge, he is smitten.  He
showers her with gifts, listens to and incorporates her
suggestions for improving worker morale, and ultimately
promotes her to Smithers' position.  Smithers ends up
as a janitor.  Later, Burns directs Smithers to arrange
for a private party for Burns and Marge, with Tom Jones
as the entertainment (voiced by himself).  But before
the party happens, Marge spurns Burns' affections; she
is, after all, a married woman.  Burns' response:  put
out or get out!  Enraged, she and Homer engage attorney
Lionel Hutz to file a sexual harassment charge. 
Unfortunately, Hutz is scared off by the Burns team of
lawyers.  However, Homer won't let the issue die; he
demands an apology from Burns, even though it could
cost him his job.  Touched by this demonstration of
love, Burns apologizes and throws the party for Homer
and Marge.  Yes, Tom Jones is there to perform (albeit
VERY reluctantly; he's chained to the stage).

SUB-PLOT:  Bart feigns illness on several occasions to
get out of taking a test at school.  Evidently, he's
never read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf."  He should have;
while taking the test, he is attacked by a wolf who
escaped from the Krusty show.  He yells to Mrs.
Krabappel for help, but she's heard too many stories to
believe him.  Groundskeeper Willie saves Bart and
fights the wolf with his bare hands.  Afterwards,
Bart's arm is in a sling, and Willie and the wolf are
sharing a drink.

8.   Nov 12 1992   9F06  New Kid on the Block (by Conan
O'Brien)

Board:    I will not bring sheep to class.
Couch:    All make it -- then the couch falls through
the floor.

The Simpson's other next-door neighbors, the Winfields,
are selling their house and retiring to Florida.  Mrs.
Winfield asks Homer to take care of certain things that
could detract from the quality of the neighborhood,
such as removing the old Halloween pumpkins and
covering the garbage (too late to stop an enraged
moose).  The house is proving difficult to sell, due
mainly to Homer and his usual bad manners.  One day,
Bart and Lisa sneak into the Winfield house basement,
where Bart tells a scary story and frightens poor Lisa.
Then Bart is frightened by one of the new residents of
the house, 15-year old Laura (voiced by Sara Gilbert). 
He falls in love -- hard to believe, but true!  Later,
Marge brings over a Welcome Wagon package for Laura's
mother (voiced by Pamela Reed).  Bart and Laura do seem
to be forming a friendship -- they enjoy the same
jokes, for one thing.  She tells off Kearny and pal
when they show up, and she tells Bart's fortune, which
ends up with her spitting into Bart's palm.  "I'll
never wash this hand," says Bart, and he doesn't for
several days, not until becoming stuck to and dragged
around by the dog.  One evening, Homer and Marge go to
the Frying Dutchman for all-you-can-eat seafood
(Homer's idea; Marge is allergic to seafood), and Laura
babysits the kids.  They have a good time -- she
teaches them to dance; they order Afghani takeout, etc.
Bart has dressed up like Hugh Hefner for the occasion. 
Meanwhile, Marge isn't eating at the restaurant.  But
Homer sure is; he's still hungry at closing time, so
when he refuses to leave, he is physically ejected from
the restaurant.  He vows to sue the restaurant for
false advertising, since they said "all you can eat." 
They never counted on Homer Simpson.  When the case
goes to trial, Homer appears to have the upper hand. 
The restaurant owner proposes a settlement:  Homer
appears in the window as Bottomless Pete, but gets to
have all the food he wants.  Deal accepted!  Back to
Bart and Laura:  Bart is unsure how to express his love
for her (Grandpa and Homer are no help).  One night,
Laura tells Bart to meet her at the treehouse -- ALONE!
 Could this be the realization of Bart's dreams?  No,
more like his worst fears:  Laura has a boyfriend --
Jimbo Jones, Bart's chief tormentor!  What's Bart to
do?  Break them up, that's what he'll do.  On the
evening that Homer and Marge are in court, Laura
babysits once again -- and this time, Jimbo comes over.
Bart's plan:  call up Moe with another crank phone call
(for Amanda Hugankiss), but identify Jimbo as the
culprit.  Moe takes the bait and comes crashing into
the house, knife in hand.  Jimbo is scared silly, and
this destroys and attraction Laura had for him.  She
thanks Bart, saying she'd go out with him if he were a
little bit older.  We leave them making another crank
call to Moe (for Ivana Tinkle).

9.   Nov 19 1992   9F07  Mr. Plow (by Jon Vitti) 

Board:    A burp is not an answer.
Couch:    It's been replaced by a tiny chair, but
somehow they all fit on it.

Homer's spent the evening at Moe's and has to drive
home through a raging snowstorm.  The snow is so bad,
the windshield wipers can't wipe off the snow fast
enough -- a recipe for disaster.  Sure enough, Homer
has an accident -- he rear-ends his other car in his
own driveway.  Both cars are totaled.  What to do for a
replacement?  He tries Crazy Vaclav's, where they have
great deals on old Soviet cars (nothin' doin').  He and
the family go to the auto show (dedicated to the
American worker -- 61% drug-free!) where among the
various exhibits (the Bonnie & Clyde death car with a
hidden stash of cash, the Fourth Reich Motors booth
with the crash test non-dummies, and Adam West [voiced
by himself] with the Batmobile), Homer sees the Kumatsu
Motors pickup truck with built-in snow plow.  He's got
to have that plow -- and he buys it.  Marge is mad, but
Homer tells her about his plans to use the plow to make
some money.  He's going into business as Mr. Plow.  His
initial attempts at advertising fail, so he enlists the
family in making a commercial to run on two-bit channel
92 ("It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are
finally on TV").  That does the trick; soon, Mr. Plow
has got a thriving business plowing neighbors'
driveways, the Kwik-E-Mart, the retirement home, and
the school.  Homer's on a roll, but Barney's not; his
job as Big Baby isn't working out, and he's
discouraged.  Homer offers some motivational advice,
which satisfies Barney.  Perhaps Homer shouldn't have
given that advice, for Barney has bought a bigger snow
plow and become the Plow King!  With the help of
commercials featuring Linda Ronstadt (voiced by
herself), Plow King has put Mr. Plow almost out of
business.  Time for another commercial, says Homer; the
McMahon & Tate agency prepare one based on Calvin
Klein's "Obsession" ads.  But it doesn't work. 
Desperate to avoid the repo man, Homer tries one last
tactic:  he sends Barney off to plow a driveway on
Widow's Peak, site of a bad snowstorm.  It's so far
away, he won't be able to handle any other customers --
so Homer can handle those customers.  But the plan
backfires:  Barney's trapped in an avalanche.  Homer
decides to risk his life to rescue Barney.  It's a
treacherous journey, but he reaches Barney in time. 
Friends again, they decide to become partners.  Not
even God can stop them, says Homer.  "Wanna bet?" says
God, who causes a sudden heat wave.  Now both of them
are out of business, but things are happy at home.

10.  Dec 03 1992   9F08  Lisa's First Word (by Jeff
Martin)

Board:    Teacher is not a leper.
Couch:    They never make it -- they form a chorus
line, which turns into a big
          production number with showgirls, jugglers,
and dancing elephants.

Everyone is trying to get Maggie to talk, but with no
success.  Marge is a little concerned; do they need to
get a tongue extender for her?  The topic shifts to
Bart's and Lisa's first words.  Bart's first words were
"Ay Carumba!" (spoken after catching Homer and Marge in
the act of love).  Lisa's first words were . . .
revealed at the end of Marge's story about the family's
life just before Lisa was born.  It was 1983.  The
Simpsons lived in an apartment on the Lower East Side
of Springfield, where kids played Stickball and Kick
the Can (the videogames, that is).  Bart was only a
toddler then, but he was already a handful.  Even back
then, he called Homer "Homer", not "Daddy".  He did
high dives from the TV; he played on the clothesline;
he stayed up to watch Johnny Carson; and he flushed
Homer's wallet and keys down the toilet.  It was at
this time that Marge revealed she was pregnant again. 
Bart had some interesting fantasies about his new
sibling-to-be.  The apartment was too small, so they
had to buy a house.  Their budget limited their choices
somewhat (high-crime areas, foul-smelling areas, even
shark-infested waters), but they did find the perfect
house.  Grandpa Simpson sold the house he won on a
'50's quiz show and gave the proceeds to Homer so he
could buy the house.  In gratitude, Homer offered
Grandpa a place to stay (the arrangement lasted 3
weeks).  When they move in, Flanders welcomes them to
the neighborhood.  Soon thereafter, Homer borrows
Flanders' TV tray (which has never been returned). 
Later, we learn where Bart learned to like Itchy &
Scratchy and Krusty (from watching them with Homer). 
And we also learn about Krusty-Burger's Olympic contest
(if an American wins gold, you win a free burger),
which backfires due to the Soviet boycott.  Finally,
it's time for the baby.  Bart stays with the Flanders
(not an easy task).  When he first meets Lisa, it's
apparent that Bart is very jealous of her, as he says
to her "I hate you!"  He doesn't get as much attention
anymore, so he tries to remedy the situation.  He cuts
off all her hair; he tries to mail her; he gives her to
the Flanders' -- all unsuccessful.  Bart plans to run
away, but stops when Lisa says her first word:  "Bart".
Her next words?  "Mommy", "David Hasselhoff", and
"Homer".  Back to the present, where Bart and Lisa are
fighting.  It's time for Maggie to go to bed, and Homer
tucks her in.  He hopes she doesn't ever speak -- but
as soon as he leaves, she says her first word (courtesy
of Elizabeth Taylor) -- "Daddy".   This is what the
hype was all about?!?

11.  Dec 17 1992   9F09  Homer's Triple Bypass (by
Carrington & Apple)

Board:  In US - I will not belch the National Anthem.
        In Canada - Coffee is not for kids (with
jittery writing)
Couch:  In US - All make it -- it unfolds into a sofa
bed.
        In Canada - Family is only 6 inches high.

This week on COPS:  Springfield's finest ("Bad Cops",
indeed).  As Homer watches the show in bed, he's eating
a LARGE snack.  Marge is a little concerned about that.
Turns out she should be very concerned, as Homer has
some serious chest pains, which he shrugs off as
indigestion (the turkey had trouble going down).  He
has some more pains at the breakfast table, but that
doesn't stop him from eating some bacon and getting rid
of some oatmeal.  He has a stressful drive to work,
courtesy of some house movers.  And when he gets to
work, he's summoned into Burns's office for a lecture
on proper employee behavior.  This proves to be too
much for Homer's heart, and he collapses. He's not dead
(so no sympathy ham for Marge), but he is in serious
condition at the hospital.  After teasing Homer, Dr.
Hibbert tells him he needs a coronary bypass operation,
which will cost $40,000.  The Simpsons don't have
$40,000 lying around, and neither do they have health
insurance.  Homer tries to get some insurance by hiding
his health history, but the attempt fails when he has
another attack.  He goes to several clerics in town
asking for a loan, without success.  One day, he sees
an ad for Dr. Nick Riviera, who will perform any
operation for $129.95.  This sounds too good to be true
(and it really is), but Homer decides to have Dr. Nick
perform the surgery.  At the hospital, Homer meets Ned
Flanders, who's donating some organs to whomever needs
them.  His friends and co-workers come by to cheer him
up. Meanwhile, Dr. Nick is learning how to do the
operation by watching a video tape, but someone has
taped over the last part of the lesson. As the
operation draws near, Homer says what may be his last
words to Marge and the children.  They all wait in the
waiting room except for Lisa, who views the operation. 
And it's a good thing she's there, for when Dr. Nick
falters, it's Lisa to the rescue!  She's read up on how
to perform the operation, and she gives Dr. Nick the
tips he needs.  The operation is a complete success,
and Homer's back in business!

12.  Jan 14 1993  9F10  Marge vs. the Monorail (by
Conan O'Brien)

Board:    I will not eat things for money.
Couch:    Everyone makes it -- and I do mean EVERYONE
in town!

After an homage to the Flintstones featuring Homer, we
find Burns and Smithers attempting to illegally dump
some toxic waste.  They decide to dump it at the park,
one of their favorite dumping grounds (witness the tree
with tentacles and the squirrel with heat-vision).  The
Feds are wise to them, though, and they are caught in
the act.  The trial results in a conviction and a $3
million fine, which Burns has no trouble paying.  What
should Springfield do with its new-found fortune? 
Mayor Quimby calls a town meeting to decide the
question.  Various suggestions are put forth, including
Marge's idea to rebuild Main Street, which is in very
bad condition.  But before the vote is taken, a
stranger with an idea shows up.  The stranger is Lyle
Lanley (voice:  Phil Hartman), and the idea is
monorail!  He's an excellent salesman, and he convinces
almost everyone that monorail is a good idea.  Marge
remains unconvinced, even after Homer signs up for
monorail conductor training.  Turns out Homer will be
the conductor for the maiden voyage of the monorail. 
One evening, while he shows the monorail to the family,
Marge goes to Lanley's office and finds some
incriminating documents.  Lanley is a con man, selling
unsafe equipment and skipping town.  Lanley catches
her, but she's able to get away without causing
suspicion.  To confirm her suspicions, she travels to
North Haverbrook, one of Lanley's previous monorails. 
The project was a disaster, resulting in the ruin of
the town, says the builder of the project.  He and
Marge rush back to Springfield to stop the monorail
run, but they are too late:  Homer is at the wheel, and
Leonard Nimoy is on board (voiced by himself). 
Suddenly, disaster strikes!  The brakes are out, and
the monorail is running at 180 MPH with no way to stop!
 Since the system runs on solar power, there's no way
to cut the juice.  Fortunately, a solar eclipse occurs,
and the monorail comes to a halt.  Unfortunately, the
eclipse ends, and the train resumes its runaway pace. 
Lanley has skipped town by now, so he's missed all of
this.  The project builder tells Homer to find an
anchor to stop the train; he uses the "M" from the
train logo and a lasso and throws it out.  For a time,
the anchor fails to grab onto anything, but it finally
attaches to a huge donut sign, bringing the train to a
halt.  Homer's a hero.  And what happened to Lanley? 
His plane to Tahiti was diverted to North Haverbrook,
where an angry mob rushed the plane and vented their
wrath on him.  Justice was served.

13.  Jan 21 1993  9F11  Selma's Choice (by David M.
Stern)

Board:    I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll
call.
Couch:    They are caught by a net in the middle of the
floor.

Duff Gardens -- endorsed by daredevil Lance Murdock,
with attractions like the Whiplash and Beer-Quarium, is
to be the family's next vacation destination.  Those
plans are cancelled when Marge learns of the death of
her aunt Gladys; they go to her funeral instead, along
with Patty and Selma.  Gladys lived alone and died
alone, and she wasn't rich (so most people leave the
funeral).  At the reading of the will, Marge learns she
inherits her aunt's celebrity-shaped potato chip
collection (until Homer eats them).  Her mother
receives a pet iguana, and Patty and Selma get a
grandfather clock and some advice:  start a family NOW!
 Selma starts to hear her biological clock ticking --
she wants a baby.  Maggie tries to escape from the car
upon hearing this, but she needn't have worried; Selma
wants a child of her own.  She tries a video dating
service, love potions, the grocery store clerk, and a
near-sighted man from the driver's license bureau
without success.  Lisa suggests artificial
insemination, but Selma is skeptical.  Meanwhile, it's
time to go to Duff Gardens again, but Homer has been
made ill by a very rancid sandwich and is confined to
bed.  Patty and Selma take the kids to the Gardens,
where things start out all right (the Beeramid, the
Seven Duffs -- Tipsy, Surly, Queasy, Remorseful, etc.)
but quickly deteriorate (the Hall of Presidents with
Rappin' Abe).  In the Tunnel of Beer, Lisa takes a
drink of the "water" and gets a tremendous buzz.  She's
higher than a kite.  And so is Bart after he's stranded
on the roller coaster in mid-ride.  He's rescued, and
Lisa's given several detox pills, after which they
leave for home.  Meanwhile, Homer has recovered from
his delirium (he actually enjoyed seeing YENTL) and is
parading in a toga -- "Come to Homercles, Marge"
(inspired by THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF HERCULES).  Patty
& Selma return with the kids, and Selma no longer wants
a child (too much work).  She ends up with the pet
iguana her mother inherited.  It makes her feel like a
"Natural Woman" (this week's closing theme).

13A. Jan 28 1993  Rerun of 8F12   Lisa The Greek  (by
Jay Kogen & Wallace Wolodarsky) (OAD: Jan 23 1992)

The episode was updated to mention this year's Super
Bowl participants, Dallas and Buffalo.  I suspect this
will happen in future airings.

14.  Feb 04 1993  9F12  Brother from the Same Planet
(by Jon Vitti)

Board:    The principal's toupee is not a frisbee.
Couch:    All make it, then the wall turns, taking them
into a secret chamber.

After soccer practice is over, Bart turns down a chance
to sneak into BARTON FINK with Milhouse and the guys,
as Homer is supposed to pick him up.  Unfortunately,
Homer is so engrossed in the TV that he completely
forgets.  A storm hits -- Bart is soaked, the Flying
Nun is blown around and crashes in a fireball, and
still no Homer.  Bart even tries telepathy, but that
doesn't work.  At last, Homer remembers to pick up
Bart, dashes out of the house to get him, goes back to
put on his clothes, then heads out to pick up the boy. 
Bart is totally disgusted by this time; he has visions
of Homer melting away.  Later that evening, while
watching TUESDAY NIGHT LIVE (with Krusty BOMBING as
host), he sees an ad for Bigger Brothers, which is for
boys who have lost their fathers.  Bart calls for an
appointment, and makes up this story about not having
seen his gambler father for over 6 years.  He gets a
Bigger Brother, Tom (voiced by Phil Hartman), who
appears to be one real cool dude.  He takes Bart to the
ball game, where they throw tomatoes at the local
Communist Party agitator; they go motorcycle-riding;
they work out; they even enjoy Ren & Stimpy together
(NOT voiced by John K. and Billy West!).  One day, when
Bart leaves for a father-and-son picnic, Homer starts
to get suspicious.  He happens to catch Bart and Tom
hang-gliding over the city.  Later, he confronts  Bart,
to no avail, so he decides to ask for a Little Brother.
While at the agency, he sees Pepe and decides to be his
Big Brother.  They have a very good relationship.  One
day, both Bart/Tom and Homer/Pepe go to Marine World,
where Bart and Homer run into each other.  Tom arrives
and tries to take Bart away.  When Homer tells Tom he's
Bart's father, Tom punches him out (believing him to be
a no-good gambler).  Their brawl takes them out of the
park, into an antique store, down Springfield Gorge,
and into town before Tom finally wins and Homer goes to
the hospital.  The only thing left to do is for Tom and
Pepe to become Brothers, and they do.  Back home, Bart
and Homer's relationship is back to normal.

SUB-PLOT:  while going through the bills, Marge
discovers over $300 in calls to the Corey Hotline.  The
culprit?  Lisa!  They have a mother-daughter chat --
Marge tells Lisa about her girlhood crush on Bobby
Sherman, and Lisa promises to stop calling the hotline.
But she can't stop calling.  She places calls from the
doctor's office, from Grampa Simpson's place, and from
school, where she's caught by Principal Skinner.  This
leads to a parent-principal-daughter conference, where
we learn about Skinner's "Psycho" mother.  Marge tells
Lisa that she can break the habit if she can make it to
midnight without calling.  That evening is a rough one
for Lisa, but she makes it (just barely; the phone was
in her hand).

15.  Feb 11 1993   9F13  I Love Lisa (by Frank Mula)

Board:    I will not squeak chalk (of course, the chalk
squeaks)
Couch:    Alien on couch panics, vanishes through trap
door in floor.

It's Valentine's Day, so radio station KBBL plays a
song appropriate to the occasion -- "Monster Mash"?!? 
Bart's preparing for the day -- he's painting off-color
remarks on candy hearts.  Marge gives Homer her
valentine ("I Love You" spelled with bacon and eggs);
Homer escapes from the house and buys a $100 box of
candy from Apu at the Kwik-E-Mart for Marge.  At
school, Lisa's class builds paper mailboxes to receive
the valentines they'll be getting.  Chief Wiggum's son
Ralph is having difficulty with his mailbox, and the
other kids tease him for it.  When the time comes to
hand out valentines, Ralph doesn't get any.  Lisa
notices this, feels sorry for him, and gives one to
him.  She will regret this.  That afternoon, Ralph
offers to walk Lisa home from school.  She accepts,
reluctantly.  By the time she arrives home, she knows
she's got to tell him she's not interested.  After
getting advice from Mom and Dad, she tells Ralph she's
not yet ready for a relationship.  Ralph decides to get
advice from his dad, the Chief.  Be persistent, he
tells his son.  Meanwhile, Ralph "wins" the role of
George Washington in the school's President's Day
pageant (opposite Lisa as Martha Washington).  Later,
he gives Lisa a present:  a Malibu Stacy convertible
containing two tickets to Krusty's 29th Anniversary
show, a show Bart would do ANYTHING to go see.  But
it's Lisa who goes with Ralph and the Chief to the show
(among the guests: President and Mrs. Clinton).  After
a succession of memorable clips, Krusty goes out in the
audience and interviews Ralph, who proclaims his love
for Lisa.  It's too much for her, and she rejects him
right there on camera.  She doesn't love him, she never
liked him, and the only reason she gave him the
valentine was she felt sorry for him.  BREAK! goes
Ralph's heart.  And BREAK! goes Homer's taillight after
Chief Wiggum smashes it in revenge.  Finally, it's the
night of the pageant. After seeing a tribute to the
mediocre presidents, we see Bart do his impression of
Nixon (via a moon job).  We also see Bart as John
Wilkes Booth, the "Terminator", gunning down Milhouse
as Abraham Lincoln.  Lastly, we see Ralph and Lisa as
George and Martha Washington.  Ralph turns out to be a
fine actor.  After the show, he signs a few autographs,
then talks to Lisa.  They make up and resume their
friendship.  Chief Wiggum is happy as he watches them
and listens to the radio, playing a song appropriate to
the occasion -- "Monster Mash" again?!? (which also
served as the closing theme tonight)

16.  Feb 18 1993   9F14  Duffless (by David M. Stern)

Board:    Goldfish don't bounce
Couch:    All but Maggie run off the edge of the film,
then back to couch.

The scene is the school science fair. Among the
projects is Bart's go-go ray, which forces its targets
to dance old 60's dances like the monkey, the mashed
potato, etc.  It's a dream science project that wins
Bart first place -- but that's all it is, a dream. 
Lisa was playing mind games with him.  Her science
project is a tomato that was given steroids and grew to
the size of a basketball; it could be used to end world
hunger, she claims.  Bart's project was to study the
effects of cigarette smoking on a dog (Santa's Little
Helper didn't care for that project).  Homer's project
for the day is to skip out of work early and go to the
Duff brewery for a tour (along with Barney).  The tour
features old Duff print ads and early TV commercials
(including one with Nixon and Kennedy during their
presidential debate).  We also get to see Duff's
rigorous quality control program (yeah, right). 
Meanwhile, at school, Bart is holding Lisa's tomato
while she runs back to get a book.  When he sees
Principal Skinner, the temptation is too strong, and he
hurls the tomato at Skinner's butt.  SPLAT in slow
motion.  All the kids are laughing -- all except Lisa,
who is distraught.  She needs another project.  Back to
the brewery:  Barney's had too much to drink, so Homer
insists on driving home.  Only thing is, Homer's had
too much to drink, too, and he's arrested for DWI.  He
loses his driver's license (Patty really enjoys
revoking it) and is required to attend a DWI class and
Alk-Anon meetings.  Homer resists going to the meetings
because their purpose is to make him renounce beer
forever, and he's not willing to do that.  He denies he
has an alcohol problem, but Marge isn't so sure.  She
persuades him to stop drinking for a month.  BACK TO
LISA'S PROJECT:  Her new project asks the question, Is
My Brother Dumber Than A Hamster?  The initial tests
would seem to say yes, Bart is dumber than a hamster
(he'll later quake in fear at the prospect of reaching
for a cupcake).  When Bart discovers Lisa's writeup, he
hides her notebook (which she finds very easily).  At
the science fair, the winner is -- Bart, with his
"project" called "Can Hamsters Fly Planes?" (no
scientific merit, but has obvious appeal to the
judges)!  BACK TO HOMER:  everywhere he goes, he's
bombarded with ads for Duff.  He holds on, but it's
very rough going. He's even cast out of the Alk-Anon
meetings.  But he does make it to thirty days.  To
celebrate, he's going to Moe's.  But when Moe pours
that tall cool one for him, he decides he'd rather go
bike-riding with Marge.  We see them riding into the
sunset singing "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head"
(tonight's closing theme).

NOTE:  the Gracie Films theme was replaced by a tinkle
of a bicycle bell and Homer laughing.

17.  Mar 11 1993   9F15  Last Exit to Springfield (by
Jay Kogen and Wallace Wolodarsky)

Board:    Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
Couch:    Turns into monster, eats the family.

The scene:  a party thrown by a drug lord about to
introduce his latest contribution to human misery,
SWANK.  That is, until McBain stops him.  Yes, Homer
and Bart are watching the latest McBain movie.  Bart
says the villain is really nasty.  Homer reassures him;
there's no one that evil in real life, he says.  But
there is -- Mr. Burns.  It's time for negotiations with
the union again, and he's looking to bust the union. 
His main goal:  to take back the dental plan.  This
could be bad news for the Simpsons, as Lisa needs
braces.  At the union meeting, Homer objects to the
trading of free beer at union meetings for the dental
plan.  He shows his displeasure by tearing up the
contract proposal, which gets him elected president of
the local (the old president is buried in a football
stadium).  Once again, Burns has no idea who Homer is;
even after Smithers mentions several previous
encounters, Burns still can't remember him.  The
negotiations begin.  Burns wants things to go easily;
he tells Homer "Scratch my back, I'll scratch yours." 
Homer misconstrues this as a homosexual come-on and
refuses.  Meanwhile, Lisa is getting her braces -- real
big and ugly ones that strike fear in the hearts of
dogs and school photographers.  But those are the only
ones the family could afford, now that the dental plan
is gone.  Later, Homer is brought to Burns' estate for
more negotiating.  After returning home, Homer decides
he doesn't want to be union president any more.  But
his comments at the union meeting are misconstrued as a
call for a strike.  The vote is taken, and the workers
go on strike!  Lisa provides moral and musical support
on the picket line (with a guitar instead of her usual
sax).  Things start to turn ugly:  the strikers are
rolling police cars (but Chief Wiggum doesn't mind);
old strike busters are brought in (they'll bore you to
death); Burns turns a water hose on the strikers, but
it gets away from him; and so forth.  On SMARTLINE,
Burns, Homer, and Dr. Joyce Brothers (voiced by
herself) discuss the issue.  Burns vows vengeance on
Springfield.  Later, we learn what that vengeance is --
a blackout!  But it only serves to unify the strikers
even more.  Burns concedes -- he'll restore the dental
plan if Homer will resign the presidency.  Homer
joyfully accepts.  Now Lisa can get the invisible style
braces instead of those hideous ones.  The last scene: 
everyone's laughing (because the dentist left the
nitrous oxide running).

18.  Apr 01 1993   9F17  So It's Come to This: A
Simpsons Clip Show (by Jon Vitti)

Board:    No one is interested in my underpants
Couch:    All make it, but with scrambled heads, which
they soon fix.

Today's April Fool's Day, and Homer gets a couple of
good ones in on Bart.  He tapes Bart's eyes shut, and
he arranges for Bart to drink really sour milk.  Bart
vows revenge.  At the breakfast table, Lisa tells about
the origins of April Fool's Day with the pagans ("God
bless those pagans", says Homer).  Later, Bart sees
Homer drink a beer and decides to use beer in his
prank.  He takes a can of Duff to the hardware store,
where he REALLY shakes it up with the paint mixer. 
After putting the can in the refrigerator, Bart turns
the heat up in the house in order to make Homer really
thirsty.  The fish bowl boils, the records melt, and
Homer goes for that beer.  Big mistake, Homer; as soon
as he opens the can, WHOOSH!  There's a tremendous
explosion!  It sends Homer to the hospital.  Dr.
Hibbert says that Homer is paralyzed and may never walk
again.  Another doctor (whom we later learn is the vet
who operated on their dog once) describes Homer's
condition.  Seems he has lots of brain lesions and
erratic brain waves (all illustrated by clips from past
episodes -- shock therapy, falling down the cliff,
etc.).  Moe & Barney stop by for a visit.  After they
leave, Homer & Marge recall other difficult times in
their marriage (illustrated by a clip from season 1's
"Jacques to be Wild").  Later, the doctors wonder if
Homer will ever walk again.  After seeing a candy
machine, Homer walks!  He puts his money in, but the
machine jams.  He pounds on the machine so much that it
tips and falls on top of him, putting him in a coma. 
Grampa Simpson visits, as does Mr. Burns, who has
actually remembered Homer for the first time!  He wants
to pull the plug on ol' Homer, but Marge stops him. 
Lisa plays a song for Homer.  Bart apologizes for the
prank.  He is really sorry for what he's done.  Just
then, a miracle occurs -- Homer begins to respond.  He
heard what Bart said, and this motivates him to awaken
from his coma and start strangling Bart.  Yes, Homer's
back (but 5% of his brain isn't).

19.  Apr 15 1993  9F16  The Front (by Adam I. Lapidus)

Board:    I will not sell miracle cures.
Couch:    The big production number.

As the episode begins, Bart and Lisa are watching
Cooking with Krusty, and Homer gets a plunger stuck on
his head.  The latest Itchy & Scratchy cartoon comes on
-- "Dazed and Contused."  The episode seems to be a bit
lifeless, think the kids. Krusty agrees with them. 
Bart and Lisa think they can write a better episode
than the current writers, and they proceed to do just
that.  They write an episode called "The Little
Barbershop of Horrors," which is set in a barbershop. 
It features flesh-eating ants and a visit from Elvis. 
They send it to I&S Productions, where the producer
rejects it out of hand because it came from a couple of
kids.  Meanwhile, Homer and Marge receive an invitation
to their high school class reunion.  Actually, only 
Marge receives the invite, because Homer didn't
actually graduate.  He flunked Remedial Science 1A. 
When they go to the reunion, they meet Artie Ziff,
Marge's old boyfriend and prom date.  Turns out he's
filthy rich.  Later, Homer wins several awards (most
weight gained, most improved body odor, least distance
traveled to get there).  However, when it's discovered
that Homer never actually graduated, the awards are
withdrawn, making Homer the laughing stock of the
reunion.  He vows to go back to school and get his
diploma.  Back to the main story:  Bart and Lisa ask
Grandpa Simpson if he'll allow them to put his name on
their script, and he agrees.  The I&S producer likes
the script and offers Grandpa a staff job (at $800 a
week).  "Grandpa's" episodes put some life back into
I&S, and he gets nominated for a Cartoon Award.  He
wins the award, beating out the strong entry from Ren &
Stimpy.  Turns out that tonight was the first time he
saw Itchy & Scratchy, and he was disgusted by what he
saw.  For his efforts, he gets pelted with vegetables
as he leaves the stage and gives the award to Bart and
Lisa.  Back to Homer:  he takes Remedial Science 1A in
night school.  He does have some trouble, but he does
pass.  Yes, Homer is a graduate.  Flash forward to 2024
and the 50th class reunion for Homer and Marge.  Some
things don't change; Homer still gets plungers stuck on
his head.

SPECIAL ADDED ATTRACTION:  The Adventures of Ned
Flanders in "Love That God."

20.  Apr 29 1993   9F18 Whacking Day (by John
Swartzwelder)

Board:    I will return the seeing-eye dog.
Couch:    Gone, replaced by a small chair.  But
everyone still fits on it.

Springfield Elementary is to be the subject of a
surprise inspection by Superintendent Chalmers.  To
prepare for it, Principal Skinner orders a clean-up of
the school.  This clean-up includes locking up the
chief bullies and troublemakers -- Nelson, Jimbo, and
Bart.  Stuck inside an abandoned fallout shelter in the
basement, the boys ponder their fate.  Bart sees a
small vent and decides to crawl through it so he can
free the other boys.  Meanwhile, the inspection
proceeds smoothly.  Groundskeeper Willy has polished up
his tractor; suddenly, a lovely lassie appears, and
they go off together.  The tractor's engine is running.
Bart finally escapes, sees the tractor, and cannot
resist temptation.  He gets in and drives off, but
discovers he can't control it.  The tractor runs all
across the school yard, stopping only after running
over Supt. Chalmers.  Bart's gone too far this time;
Skinner expels him from school.  That afternoon, Bart
and Lisa are watching TV.  They see a report on
Whacking Day, a tradition dating back to the days of
Jebediah Springfield where the townspeople drive all
the snakes to the center of town and club them to
death.  Lisa is horrified by this practice -- and Homer
and Marge are horrified by Bart's expulsion.  He must
go to another school.  Is the Springfield Christian
School for Bart?  No.  So Marge decides to teach him
herself.  At first, things don't go well. But things
change after Marge gives Bart her copy of JOHNNY
TREMAIN.  He is engrossed by it; indeed, he even
ignores the newest Itchy & Scratchy (directed by Oliver
Stone, featuring Lee Harvey Scratchy and Jack Itchy). 
He wants to learn more, so he and Marge go to Old
Springfield Town.  At one of the exhibits, Bart
questions how Jebediah Springfield could fight at the
battle of Ticonderoga and start Whacking Day on the
same day.  Park management does not like this question
and tosses Bart and Marge out.  Meanwhile, the
townspeople get ready for Whacking Day.  Homer's got a
new whacking stick; Apu runs a Whacking Day promotion;
and Rev. Lovejoy invents Scripture to justify Whacking
Day to Lisa, who still hates the whole concept. 
Finally the day arrives.  There's a big celebration in
the park.  Barry White (voiced by himself) is the grand
marshal. But when he learns what Whacking Day is about,
he is disgusted with the whole thing.   Finally, the
whacking starts.  Snakes slither away in panic.  Bart
and Lisa have formulated a plan to save the snakes. 
They will crank up the stereo with lots of bass and
direct it toward the ground to attract the snakes to
the house.  But where to get something with lots of
bass?  How about Barry White, who conveniently walks by
the house.  The plan works, as the snakes all slither
inside.  When the angry townspeople demand the snakes,
Bart tells them the truth about Whacking Day (which he
read about on his own):  it dates from 1924, when it
was invented as an excuse to beat up the Irish.  Lisa
tells them about the good things snakes do, which
causes everyone to change their mind.  The snakes are
free to go.  Skinner is impressed by Bart's independent
learning and allows him to return to school.  Suddenly,
he remembers that Nelson and Jimbo are still locked in
the fallout shelter!  He and Willy dash back to the
school to free them (with mountain bikes in tow to buy
their silence).

21.  May 6 1993   9F20  Marge In Chains (by Bill Oakley
& Josh Weinstein)

Board:    I do not have diplomatic immunity.
Couch:    The Incredible Shrinking Simpsons

On tonight's episode of "I Can't Believe They Invented
It", Troy McClure (Phil Hartman) welcomes "Dr." Nick
Riviera with his latest invention, the Juice Loosener,
the latest in juice-squeezing technology (it's so quiet
and efficient -- yeah, right).  It's all the rage in
Springfield, as people from Homer to Principal Skinner
order one.  What they don't realize is that the
Looseners are carrying Osaka Flu germs.  When the
Looseners arrive in Springfield, the germs get out and
cause a major epidemic.  At the Flanders house, where
Todd is delirious with fever, Ned asks how did the
family anger God to deserve this punishment (Ned
watched "Married With Children").  At the Simpson
household, Marge is the only healthy adult and is
becoming frazzled with the extra demands.  She goes to
the Kwik-E-Mart to pick up a lot of things.  Her bag is
overflowing, so she stuffs the extra stuff in her coat
pockets.  She accounted for every item except one:  a
bottle of bourbon for Grandpa S.  As she leaves the
store, the alarm goes off.  Apu and Sanjay call the
police, and Marge is arrested for shoplifting.  She
needs competent legal advice; unfortunately, she's
retained the services of Lionel Hutz (Hartman again). 
Homer asks Apu to drop the charges, saying it was all a
misunderstanding, but he refuses.  Word spreads all
over town that Marge was arrested for shoplifting, and
other bits of gossip spread along with it.  Did you
know she has webbed feet?  During the trial, Hutz
develops an irresistable urge to take a drink and is
forced to call his Al-Anon contact (David Crosby,
voiced by himself) for support.  Later, the jury
returns its verdict:  GUILTY!  Marge is sentenced to 30
days at the Springfield Women's Prison.  Her cellmate
is named Philips (so called because she used a Philips
screwdriver to stab her husband).  Meanwhile, the house
turns into a disaster area -- no clean clothes,
alligators in the toilet, etc.  The annual bake sale
comes up $15 short because Marge couldn't provide her
marshmallow squares this year.  As a result, the statue
of Abraham Lincoln had to be scrapped in favor of a
statue of Jimmy Carter.  This touches off a riot.  If
we hadn't gossiped so much about Marge, think the
townspeople, she wouldn't have been convicted, we would
have had her marshmallow squares, and we wouldn't have
had a riot.  When she's released from prison, the town
holds a welcome back celebration in her honor.  Her
gift:  the Carter statue, now topped with a very
familiar hairdo.

NOTE:  the working title for this episode was "Marge
Goes to Jail", which was shown as the official title in
prior editions of this guide.

22.  May 13 1993   9F19  Krusty Gets Kancelled (by John
Swartzwelder)

Board:    I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
Couch:    They are snared by a net in the middle of the
floor.

Sewage-filled Springfield Harbor is the site of today's
SPRINGFIELD SQUARES, which Homer and Bart are watching
on TV.  Kent Brockman is the host, and among the panel
are Rainer Wolfcastle (who plays McBain), Barry White
(himself) and Charley Weaver.  Suddenly a tidal wave
sweeps down on the beach!  We never find out what
happens, because we see a commercial that just says
"Gabbo."  Who or what is Gabbo?  That's the burning
question around town.  Finally, we learn what Gabbo is:
 he's a ventriloquist's dummy who bears a slight
resemblance to Howdy Doody, who has a great shtick
("I'm a bad li'l boy") and who appears opposite Krusty
the Clown.  Is Krusty concerned?  You bet he is,
especially when he learns his ratings have fallen so
low the Spanish channel is beating him.  Bart and Lisa
remain loyal to Krusty, but no one else does -- not
even Itchy & Scratchy.  He's getting desperate.  He
tries his own ventriloquist act; he airs old Eastern
European cartoons (Worker and Parasite); nothing works.
It's all over for Krusty; he is cancelled.  He asks
Johnny Carson (himself) for advice (he doesn't offer
much). He is nearly out of money, and after a bad day
at the track, he is completely out of money.  He jumps
at the chance to earn $2 million doing a Japanese
commercial; unfortunately, it's only Gabbo doing a
crank call.  Bart vows revenge on Gabbo, and gets it: 
while at the studio, he catches Gabbo calling his
audience "a bunch of SOBs" and turns on the TV camera
so it's broadcast live.  Gabbo survives this
controversy (but Kent Brockman doesn't).  One day, Bart
and Lisa find Krusty on the street corner, holding a
sign that says "Will Drop Pants for Food."  He is truly
a broken man.  The kids take him home, where they see
pictures of Krusty with Luke Perry (his half-brother),
Elizabeth Taylor and Bette Midler.  Lisa has an idea: 
organize a big show to revive Krusty's career!  Krusty
tells them to go for it.  They find Midler (herself)
picking up litter on the stretch of freeway she
sponsored to keep clean; she'll appear on the show, as
will Hugh Hefner (himself) and the Red Hot Chili
Peppers (themselves).  Unfortunately, Taylor (herself)
declines the invitation.  The show's nearly ready, but
Krusty is woefully out of shape.  He stays with the
Simpsons while he works himself back into shape.  He
tries to get Sideshow Mel to return, but Mel is
comfortable at the Gulp & Blow restaurant and refuses
to return.  So we see Sideshow Luke Perry (himself),
but that doesn't work out.  Finally, the show airs. 
Krusty opens with "Send in the Clowns," and who should
appear at the end of the song but Sideshow Mel!  They
have a tearful reunion on stage.  Luke Perry is
(over)shot from a cannon and crashes through several
buildings, finally landing in a soon-to-be-demolished
pillow factory.  Johnny Carson lifts a 1987 Buick
Skylark with his bare hands -- while singing opera! 
Hef plays the glasses; Liz wants to fire her agent;
Bette and Krusty sing "Wind Beneath My Wings".  It's a
smash; Krusty is back in business.  And he ows it all
to Bart and Lisa (who have 50% of the T-shirt revenue).
The after-show party's a hit, too; where else would you
find Johnny Carson dancing while playing the accordion
AND have two men sitting on a table balanced on his
head?

If anybody has any additions, comments or suggestions,
please let me know.  Hope you enjoy this list as much
as I've enjoyed creating it.

Roger Reini/in Detroit (also on Delphi:RREINI) 
