"THE SIMPSONS" EPISODE GUIDE:  SEASON THREE

(as of May 7, 1992)

This is the episode guide to the third season of "The
Simpsons".  The structure of this guide is similar to
the 2nd season guide:  episodes are listed in order of
original airdate; the listing includes Fox production
codes, episode titles (which are rarely broadcast),
what Bart writes on the blackboard and what happens on
the couch, as well as a summary of the major
developments in the story.  (Thanks to Sondra Roy and
Jay Kogen for titles and codes)

1.   Sept 19 1991  7F24   Stark Raving Dad

Board:              I am not a dentist.
Couch:              Tips back, crashes through wall

Bart is awakened by Lisa one morning, who's hinting
that her 8th birthday is 2 days away and that she wants
a good gift from Bart.  At the breakfast table, Maggie
leaps onto the ceiling fan (Bart was too busy calling
the Krusty Hotline to watch her).  The laundry is done
-- it's all pink, thanks to Bart's cap.  Homer has to
wear a pink shirt to work, where non-white shirts are
frowned upon.  Sure enough, he's caught and given the
3rd degree (Burns calls him a free-thinking anarchist).
He is given a personality test to fill out, a job he
pawns off on Bart.  The test is analyzed the next
morning, and it's bad news:  Homer is declared insane
and sent to New Bedlam asylum.  His roommate is a big
white guy who thinks he's Michael Jackson (voiced by
Jackson, who is credited as "John Jay Smith").  Homer's
never heard of Jackson or his work, not even the
moonwalk.  They strike up a friendship.  MJ calls home
for Homer, who can't, and Marge comes to the rescue. 
He's declared NOT INSANE and gets to go home.  Turns
out MJ can leave as well, so Homer invites him to come
home, too.  Bart can't keep the secret, and word
spreads all over town.  It's the biggest thing
Springfield has seen since the Dalai Lama's visit in
'52, and the entire town turns out to greet them. 
Naturally, they are disappointed when they see MJ.  And
Lisa is very disappointed; her birthday didn't go well
at all, and Bart forgot to get her a gift.  When MJ
learns of this, he convinces Bart to write a song for
her (with some help from MJ).  The next day, Bart and
MJ perform the song; Lisa says it's the best birthday
present ever.  MJ's work is done; he returns to his
true identify of Leon Kompowski, a bricklayer from
Paterson, New Jersey.  It seems he's spread a lot of
cheer when he's adopted MJ's identity.

2.   Sep 26 1991   8F01  Lisa Goes to Washington  (by
George Meyer)

Board:    Spitwads are not free speech
Couch:    All make it -- Homer sits on the dog, who
whimpers
 
Along with several sweepstakes offers, Homer receives a
free issue of Reading Digest in the mail one day. 
Unimpressed at first, he becomes totally engrossed in
it; he can't put it down.  Inside the magazine is an
announcement for an essay contest for children.  The
prize is an all-expenses paid trip to Washington DC for
the finals.  Lisa enters the contest, but only after
riding through Springfield National Forest for
inspiration (provided by a bald eagle, among other
things).  At the city finals, Lisa's essay comparing
America to the forest wins -- she's going to DC!  The
flight is uneventful, except when Bart causes the
oxygen masks to deploy, causing a panic.  The family
takes a taxi to get to their hotel -- the Watergate. 
When passing the IRS, Homer lets out a big "BOO!"  (one
worker yells "Boo yourself" back!)  They are impressed
with the room; however, Homer's not impressed with a 2
AM wakeup call, courtesy Bart and Lisa.  As finalists,
they receive VIP passes enabling them to go on special
tours (like the White House bathroom -- while Barbara
Bush is bathing -- the Mint and the Smithsonian, where
Bart climbs into the "Spirit of St. Louis"). 
Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, Springfield's Congressman
meets with a lobbyist representing a logging company
who want to destroy Springfield's forest.  It takes a
bribe to close the deal -- the dirty deed goes down at
the Women's Memorial Hall.  But Lisa sees it all; her
faith in America is destroyed.  She writes a new essay,
"Cesspool on the Potomac".  When she reads it at the
contest, the audience boos.  However, it sets in motion
a chain of events that result in the Congressman being
arrested and expelled from Congress.  Lisa doesn't win,
but her faith in the system is restored.

3.   Oct 03 1991  7F23   When Flanders Failed

Board:    Nobody likes sunburn slappers
Couch:    They walk like Egyptians (a.k.a. "Simpson
Shuffle") and slide in.

Homer's mowing the lawn -- with a weed-whacker borrowed
from neighbor Ned Flanders, who invites Homer and the
family over to a barbecue party.  Homer won't go to it
(he's jealous of their success), but the rest of the
family goes and enjoys themselves.  After getting a
whiff of the BBQ, Homer and dog make their appearance
at the party.  Later, Flanders explains the reasons for
the party:  he's quitting the pharmaceutical business
to open a store for left-handers and left-handed
products.  Homer and Flanders make a wish over a
wishbone; Homer's wish is for Flander's business to go
belly-up.  The wishbone breaks in Homer's favor.  While
gloating about that, he chokes on the BBQ (Flanders
saves him).  Major subplot this week:  Bart takes
karate lessons at the Springfield Martial Arts Academy.
He's not impressed with the curriculum, so he starts
cutting classes; he acts like he's still going to
class, threatening Lisa with the "Touch of Death". 
Meanwhile, business isn't going well at all for
Flanders; even thieves won't steal his stuff.  On
several occasions (with Moe, with Burns, with a lost
bill collector), Homer could have sent some business
Flanders' way, but he didn't.  The result?  Flanders
closes the store, sells the furniture (much of it to
Homer for $75) and loses the house.  Meanwhile, Lisa is
harassed by Jimbo and company, who steal her sax.  She
wants Bart to use the Touch of Death on them and get
her sax back.  His fraud is exposed, but Bart does his
duty and gets the sax back (and also gets hung on the
basketball rim).  Back to Flanders:  they're going to
stay with his sister in Capital City.  Homer regrets
making that wish now, and he tells Flanders to reopen
his store.  Later, he calls up all the left-handers he
knows and tells them about the store.  It's a miracle! 
The store is packed with customers.  Flanders thanks
Homer, who leads a toast to Flanders.  They go out
singing "Put on a happy face!"

4.   Oct 07 1991   8F03   Bart the Murderer  (by John
Swartzwelder)

Board:    Does not appear this week in US; "High
Explosives and school don't mixed" aired elsewhere
Couch:    It's vanished, all are perplexed.

What promises to be a good day for Bart turns into a
real bad day.  Homer's got the police badge from the
box of cereal -- the dog ate the homework (really, he
did) -- Bart misses the bus, and it starts to rain,
ending when he arrives at school.  It gets worse:  His
shorts rip at recess; he forgot to bring the permission
slip for the field trip to the chocolate factory, so he
spends the afternoon licking envelopes for Principal
Skinner.  When he leaves school, it rains again.  He
loses control of the skateboard and falls down the
stairs of the Legitimate Businessmen's Social Club, in
reality a mob hangout for Fat Tony (voiced by Joe
Mantegna) and his associates.  They initially greet
Bart with guns drawn but take a liking to him after he
calls the 3rd race (for "Don't Have a Cow").  Bart's
now the bartender at the club, and he starts to pull in
some serious money.  He turns them on to Itchy &
Scratchy ("The Sounds of Silencers" -- true-to-life!)
-- he hides the cigarettes from the hijacked truck
(though Bart isn't told about the robbery).  When he
does learn, he asks Tony if he's a crook.  Tony weasels
his way out of that one and presents Bart with a new
suit.  Meanwhile, Marge has real doubts about Bart's
job (and the pizza van and the Flowers By Irene van
don't ease those doubts), so she asks Homer to check
the place out.  He reports back; it's just a place for
male bonding.  Later, Bart gets into trouble at school
and is forced to write "I Will Not Bribe Principal
Skinner" on the blackboard over and over.  This forces
him to be late to work -- Fat Tony is not happy.  When
Bart explains why he's late, Tony and pals decide to
pay Skinner a visit.  The next day, Skinner is missing!
 Bart is concerned; he has bad nightmares about it.  He
decides to confront Tony about Skinner at the club;
then the club is raided and Bart is arrested for the
murder of Skinner.  During the trial, Bart is made out
to be the 10-year old Godfather of Springfield.  He's
convicted and is sentenced to -- but wait!  It's
Principal Skinner!  He's alive.  Turns out he was
pinned under piles of newspapers for over a week and
had to use all of his wits to get out alive.  Case
dismissed, Bart is spared.  He's learned his lesson: 
crime does not pay.  Finally, we see "The Bart Simpson
Story", starring Neil Patrick Harris as the Bartman
(Harris does the voice, too).

NOTE:  The Canadian version of this episode had a
full-length opening sequence.  Bart's blackboard
writing was "High explosives and school don't mix", and
Lisa's sax solo was different from the usual.  The
actual episode was identical to the US version.

5.   Oct 17 1991   8F04  Homer Defined (by Howard
Gewirtz)

Board:    Did not appear this week on Fox.  In Canada,
it said "I Will Not Squeak Chalk", accompanied by the
sound of chalk squeaking.
Couch:    Tips to left, end comes off, Maggie lands on
it (on Fox); big one-eyed green alien sitting on couch,
hears them coming, falls through trap door in floor,
Simpsons pile onto couch (in Canada).  Lisa's sax solo
is now different for each episode (thanks to Bill Rood
for Canadian feed information)

It's breakfast at the Simpsons -- Homer's reading "US
of A Today" (which gets a few zings), and Bart's
writing out a birthday card for Milhouse.  On the
school bus, he gives Milhouse a present:  a Krusty the
Clown walkie-talkie set.  Bart believes that Milhouse
isn't having a party this year; actually, the party was
the previous Saturday, and everyone except Bart was
invited (more on this later).  Meanwhile, it's a pretty
normal day in section 7G of the nuclear plant (where
Homer works) -- Homer tries some donuts and takes a
snooze, unaware that the core temperature is rising
dangerously.  The alarms go off, there's panic
everywhere -- schoolkids duck and cover, people are
praying, the rats are fleeing -- but not Homer, for
he's locked in.  He tries to remember his training; he
searches through the operating manual in vain, then
finally uses the "eeney, meeny, miney, moe" method to
push a button -- fortunately, the correct one.  The
danger is averted, and Homer is celebrated as the
Employee of the Month (for which he gets a plaque, a
ham, a coupon book, a nice parking spot, and a personal
thumb-up from Burns).  He even gets a phone call from
Magic Johnson (voiced by Johnson).  Back to Bart:  he's
down in the dumps.  Even "Itchy & Scratchy" aren't
funny anymore.  Why?  Milhouse's mom has forbidden him
to see Bart because he's a bad influence.  Marge talks
to Milhouse's mother, and it does the trick; the boys
are friends again.  Meanwhile, Homer doesn't like all
the adulation he's receiving (including Lisa's); deep
down, he knows that he was just lucky in spite of
himself.  Still, he goes ahead with a motivational
speech to the employees at the Shelbyville nuclear
plant.  Suddenly, the alarm rings:  the core is
melting!  Homer is taken to the control room, where he
solves this problem the same way he solved the first
one.  It works, but he is exposed.  From now on,
whenever anyone succeeds despite their idiocy, he's
said to have "pulled a Homer".

NOTE:  As originally aired on Fox, the opening sequence
was very short; the full sequence aired on Canada's
Global network.  Presumably the Fox sequence was edited
to allow time for the promotion of Michael Jackson's
new video (premiering on Fox November 14, and featuring
Bart).


6.   Oct 24 1991   8F05 Like Father Like Clown (By Jay
Kogen & Wallace Wolodarsky)
                             Directed by Jeffrey Lynch
with Brad Bird
     Board:  Did not appear on Fox (Canada:  I will
finish what I sta-- written once, trails into long
line)
     Couch:  All save Bart sit in couch; Bart lands
across everyone's lap.

It's another "Krusty the Clown" show as the episode
starts -- in fact, this episode revolves around Krusty.
He is not a happy clown -- he cancels out on dinner
with Bart for the 5th time (this was to thank him for
proving he wasn't a thief in the first season).  This
provokes Bart into writing a nasty letter to Krusty;
this letter, plus some goading from secretary Miss
Pennycandy, makes Krusty honor the dinner date.  At
dinner, Krusty is invited to say grace, which is does
-- in Hebrew.  Yes, Krusty is Jewish (born Herschel
Krustofsky), and he's also estranged from his rabbi
father (voiced by Jackie Mason).  In flashback, we see
how Rabbi Krustovski wanted young Herschel to follow in
his footsteps and become a rabbi.  But all Herschel
wanted to do was be a clown, which the rabbi thought
would bring shame on the family.  At a Talmudic
convention, Herschel is the entertainment (as Krusty),
but his father doesn't know this; when he does learn of
it, he disowns his son and casts him out.  They haven't
seen each other for 45 years.  Bart and Lisa are
touched by Krusty's story, and they seek out Rabbi
Krustofsky to encourage him to reconcile with his son. 
He is unwilling to do this.  Undaunted, the kids try
calling in on "Gabbin' about God", bringing them to
Izzy's Deli, dressing as a rabbi, and Talmudic
arguments, none of which work.  Their last effort
succeeds -- a quote from Sammy Davis Jr.  The Rabbi
realizes his mistakes and goes to the studio, where
father and son have an emotional reunion.

Once again, the opening on Fox was shortened to make
room for the promo for the Michael Jackson video.

7.   Oct 31 1991  8F02   Tree House Of Horror II (by Al
Jean, Mike Reiss, Sam Simon, Jeff Martin, George Meyer,
John Swartzwelder) (The Simpsons Halloweeen Special II)
      No board or couch this week.

Just like last year, Marge delivers a parental advisory
message.  The standard opening is replaced with another
shot of graves at the cemetary (Bambi's Mom, Jim
Morrison, Cajun cooking, Walt Disney).  As the episode
begins, Homer's doing door duty.  Jimbo & Kearny come
by and threaten to egg the house unless they get some
candy.  They get the candy, but the door still gets
egged.  The kids come home from trick or treating
("Jackpot!" says Bart).  Against Marge's advice, they
all overindulge, even Homer.  They could have bad
nightmares, warns Marge.  Turns out she was right;
Lisa, Bart, and Homer have nightmares.  Lisa's
nightmare involves a monkey paw that can grant its
owners 4 wishes.  Those wishes are, in order:  a new
pacifier for Maggie (personally delivered), wealth and
fame for the Simpsons (with a commentary on the whole
Simpson phenomenon -- "The Simpsons Go Calypso" on CD
and 8-track, indeed!), world peace (which would be
great except that it lead to an alien invasion of
Earth, and humans were powerless to resist their
slingshots and clubs), and a perfect turkey sandwich
(which wasn't).  Flanders gets the paw, wishes the
aliens were gone, and becomes a hero.  Bart's nightmare
involves a boy who could read minds and could make
things happen just by thinking them.  He turns the cat
into a flame-throwing monstrosity; he drives the bus
like a crazed lunatic; he has Principal Skinner
serenading him in class; history is rewritten to
correspond with the answers he gives; and so on.  Why? 
He craves attention, says Dr. Marvin Monroe (this is
after Homer is turned into a jack-in-the-box).  Father
and son should spend more time together, says the
"good" doctor; and they do.  The nightmare ends with
Bart saying "I love you, Dad.", at which time Bart
wakes up screaming.  Homer's nightmare involves Burns
and Smithers playing Frankenstein.  They need a brain
to go into Burns's mechanical worker, and it just so
happens they pick Homer's brain.  But the experiment is
a failure; the machine acts just like Homer and is a
complete goof-off.  While restoring the brain back to
Homer's body, Burns kicks the machine, causing it to
fall on top of him and crush him.  His dying wish to
Smithers:  get the surgical instruments and ether . . .
Homer wakes up screaming, goes to the bathroom, and
screams again:  he's got a second head -- Burns's head!
 It's all a dream . . . or is it?

Notice the ghoulish credits for this week:  James Hell
Brooks, Malevolent Matt Groening, etc.

8.   Nov 7 1991  8F06 Lisa's Pony (by Al Jean & Mike
Reiss)

Board:    Not shown in US.  "Bart Bucks are not legal
tender" was shown in Canada.
Couch:    Homer lays on couch, then everyone else sits
on top of him.

It's the day of the talent show at school, and Lisa
needs a new reed for her sax.  Homer promises to get it
for her, but is sidetracked into having a beer at Moe's
and doesn't get to the store in time.  He's able to
convince the owner to reopen and does get the reed, but
he's not in time; Lisa has to play with a bad reed, and
she sounded terrible (Bart did well with his
impressions, though).  Once again, Lisa's lost faith in
her father.  Not even a spoonful of a Mount Bellyache
sundae can ease the hurt, and Homer vows to make it up
to her.  After a great deal of difficulty (including
applying to Burns and Smithers for a loan) , he buys
her a pony, which she names Princess.  She takes riding
lessons at the stables -- but they cost money. 
Everything about the pony costs money, and there's not
enough to go around.  Homer's solution:  take the
graveyard shift at the Kwik-E-Mart.  Apu regrets that
decision, and so does Homer; he's not getting enough
sleep.  How long can he keep this up?  When Lisa sees
what he's been doing for her, she makes the painful
decision to get rid of the pony.  It seems there's a
big dumb animal she loves even more than the pony:  her
father.

9.   Nov 14 1991  8F07  Saturdays of Thunder (by Ken
Levine & David Isaacs) [SHORT VERSION]

Board:    Did not appear.  ("Hamsters cannot fly" may
have aired elsewhere -- can't confirm)
Couch:    All plop on couch, but cushions collapse on
them.

Homer's watching TV (as usual) -- an informercial for
some cleaner.  From time to time, Bart asks where some
tools are.  Why?  He's building a soap box racer. 
Meanwhile, Patty & Selma come over, and they and Marge
go to the beauty salon.  While there, they find a test
on fatherhood in one of the magazines and suggest to
Marge that she give it to Homer.  While they're away,
Bart's still hard at work on the racer, and Homer and
Lisa go to the VHS Village (formerly the Beta Barn) to
rent a tape ("Football's Greatest Injuries"). 
Everyone's back home, so Marge gives the test to Homer.
He doesn't do well at all; in fact, he gets a zero! 
Shamed by this, he calls the National Fatherhood
Institute for help (and gets some).  He helps Bart with
his racer.  On the day of the race, Bart is up against
Martin and Nelson.  His racer pales in comparison to
theirs.  The race begins!  Bart gets out to an early
lead, but Martin flies by everybody.  His racer is
glowing red-hot by the time he reaches the finish line
-- Martin wins!  But he can't stop -- he crashes and
burns, breaking his arm in the process.  Since he can't
race in the finals, Martin asks Bart to take his place.
Homer is upset when Bart tells him the news -- he feels
betrayed.  He won't go to the race; perhaps he is a bad
father after all.  But upon further reflection, Homer
decides he's the perfect father (hoo boy!) and goes to
the race after all.  Bart sees him there, and he's
inspired to do well.  He wins the finals and takes home
the trophy.  He also razzes Nelson for losing; his
rationale is, he's never won before and may never win
again, so nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!  There's jubilation
at the Fatherhood Institute for another job well done.

The episode was shortened for the world premiere of
Michael Jackson's "Black or White" video, which
featured Bart and Homer.

10.  Nov 21 1991  8F08 Flaming Moes  (by Rob Cohen)

Board:    Underwear should be worn on the inside.
Couch:    Burglars have cleaned out the house and are
walking out with the couch.  The Simpsons run in and
plop on the couch, but the burglars tip the couch and
plop them onto the floor.

Lisa's having a slumber party tonight, and Homer's
watching that paragon of infotainment, EYE ON
SPRINGFIELD (with part 7 of its Bikini Spectacular). 
Later, Bart is attacked and kissed by the girls (as
part of Truth or Dare).  They then try to make him
over, but he eludes them (Maggie is not so lucky). 
Homer can't take any more of this; he's going to Moe's
bar.  There's one problem:  Moe's out of beer (times
are tough).  Homer shows Moe how to mix a drink he
calls the Flaming Homer, which is a mixture of many
liquors and a bit of children's cough syrup.  The final
touch:  set it on fire.  It's a fantastic drink, and it
even loosens phlegm!  Moe sees a great opportunity, so
he claims HE invented the Flaming Moe.  Before long,
Moe's place is jumping!  He even hires a Diane
Chambers-type waitress.  Everybody wants to be seen at
Moe's, including Aerosmith (voiced by themselves), who
even perform a few numbers for the crowd.  Everyone,
that is, except Homer, who is upset with Moe for
stealing his drink idea.  Moe gets an offer to sell the
drink to Tipsy McStagger's (unless they can
successfully analyze it first), but he refuses.  Homer
becomes more and more upset about the whole affair.  He
asks attorney Lionel Hutz about suing Moe but finds he
has no grounds to sue on (drinks can't be copyrighted).
The next morning, all Homer can think about is Moe. 
Everything everyone says is "Moe" (even Maggie says
"Moe").  Everyone and everything starts to look like
Moe.  It's all too much for Homer, and he snaps. 
Meanwhile, Moe has been persuaded to accept the
McStagger's offer and give half of the money to Homer. 
But just as the deal is about to be concluded, there's
a voice from the rafters.  It's Homer!  He blurts out
the secret ingredient; the deal collapses.  Soon,
everyone has a Flaming Moe's -- and Moe's bar is back
to its usual self.  Moe and Homer patch up their
differences over a Flaming -- Homer.

11.  Dec 05 1991  8F09 Burns Verkaufen Der Kraftwerk  
(by Jon Vitti)

Board:    The Christmas pageant does not stink.
Couch:    The dog is laying on the couch; he growls at
them, and they back away slowly.

While receiving a shampoo from Smithers, Burns relates
the details of his late-life crisis.  The thought of
selling the power plant has crossed his mind, but he's
not ready to act on it.  But word gets out, and the
stock starts going up.  All of the employees have some
shares, including Homer, who sells at 25 cents a share
(for $25).  He celebrates his "windfall" at Moe's bar
with a bottle of Duff's Private Reserve.  His comments
about the stock are overheard by 2 German businessmen,
who make plans to approach Burns about selling the
plant.  Meanwhile, the stock soared to $52, which means
the Simpsons COULD have had $5200.  The employees enjoy
their windfall, but not for long; Burns does sell the
plant to the Germans (for $100 million).  There are
going to be some changes in the way things are run,
including more emphasis on safety.  Homer's been safety
inspector for 2 years now, so he's concerned for his
job.  Turns out he had reason to be concerned:  when
the layoffs come, he's the only one to be let go.  The
family struggles to make ends meet, but it's taking its
toll (lousy cat "food", Marge's split ends). 
Meanwhile, Burns tries to enjoy his retirement, but
finds something is missing.  He and Smithers go out on
the town and end up at Moe's, where Homer tells him off
and Bart stomps on his feet.  The people no longer fear
and respect him.  This must be reversed, says Burns. 
He vows to buy the plant back.  Turns out the Germans
want to sell -- desparately.  Burns buys it back for
$50 million, or half of what he got for it originally. 
He orders everything restored the way it was.  He even
hires Homer back -- you see, he's got plans for Homer
in the future (and those aren't good plans).

12.  Dec 26 1991    8F10    I Married Marge (by Jeff
Martin)

Board:   I will not torment the emotionally frail.
Couch:   All turn cartwheels and slide in, except
little Maggie.

Marge is feeling funny and craving pancake mix; is she
pregnant again? The Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test
is inconclusive, so she goes to see Dr. Hibbert.  The
kids are thrilled about the news.  Homer begins to tell
the
story about how they got married and the events leading
to Bart's birth.  Here goes:  it's 1980.  Homer's
working at the miniature golf course.  Marge is still
living at home.  She's going steady with Homer, which
the Bouviers can't understand (a cat would leave less
hair on the couch, they say).  They go on a typical
1980 date -- catch THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, sing along
to their song, "You Light Up My Life", and stop at the
golf course for what turns out to be a VERY eventful
night.  A few months later, Homer & Marge are visiting
Dr. Hibbert, who's discovered the reason why Marge has
been nauseous.  Congratulations, says the doctor --
Marge is pregnant!  Armed with the pamphlet "So You've
Ruined Your Life", they ponder their future.  Homer
decides to propose to Marge.  It doesn't go as smoothly
as he would like, but it doesn't matter:  she says yes.
They get a ring, get married at Shotgun Pete's Wedding
Chapel (where your 10th wedding is free), and honeymoon
in the Bouvier living room.  Homer needs a better job,
so he applies for work at the power plant (he doesn't
get the job).  His other jobs don't go well, either,
which leads to the reposession of Marge's ring and the
baby stuff.  Homer decides to leave Marge until he can
truly support her and the baby (he'll send money in the
meantime).  He takes a job at the Gulp & Blow, where
Patty & Selma find him.  They don't tell Marge this
until several weeks later, leading to a joyous reunion.
She asks him to come home, but he's reluctant to.  The
only ring he can give her is an onion ring, which she
accepts.  Filled with energy, Homer marches down to the
power plant, bursts into Burns' office and demands a
job.  Burns gives him the job ("Homer Simpson -- I'll
remember that name").  Now it's time.  Marge is in the
hospital, ready to give birth.  Homer is so psyched up,
he wants to deliver the baby himself (but Dr. Hibbert
insists on doing the job).  Everything goes well as
baby Bart comes into the world. But within 10 minutes,
he's set fire to Homer's tie, setting the scene for
the Homer-Bart relationship as we know it.  End of
story.  By the way, Marge is NOT pregnant.

13.  Jan 9 1992   8F11  Radio Bart (by Jon Vitti)

Board:              I will not carve gods.
Couch:              All make it in, bounce around, then
settle down

Bart's 10th birthday is coming soon, and Homer doesn't
know what to get him (no more shoe trees or shelf
paper).  He sees an ad for a Superstar Celebrity
Microphone that broadcasts through an AM radio, and he
decides that's the perfect gift for Bart.  When Bart
receives the gift at his birthday party (at Wall E.
Weasel's), his response is underwhelming; nor is he
thrilled about the other gifts he received (a label
maker, socks, a cactus, a jacket and cap from Martin). 
It takes a sane demonstration of the microphone by
Marge to convince Bart he had a great gift.  He wastes
no time putting it to use:  he convinces Homer the
Martians have landed; he makes Maggie "talk"; he
embarrasses Mrs. Krabapple in class; he and Milhouse
eavesdrop on Lisa and Janey; and he convinces the
Flanders boys that he's God and commands them to bring
all of their cookies to the Simpson house.  His biggest
joke:  after placing a radio down an abandoned well, he
acts like he's Timmy O'Toole, who's fallen down the
well (shades of Jessica McClure).  This prompts a major
rescue effort and media circus.  Krusty the Clown even
records a song of support for "Timmy", "We're Sending
Our Love Down the Well", featuring several celebrities,
including Sting (voiced by himself).  The drama
continues until Lisa discovers that Bart's been pulling
the prank.  She points out the radio is labeled, and
he'll be in serious trouble.  Bart goes down the well
to recover the radio but ends up falling down and
getting trapped himself.  His plight does not get as
much sympathy as "Timmy's"; in fact, he gets none at
all.  Finally, Homer can't take it any more; he starts
to dig another hole next to the well.  Soon, the whole
town has pitched in, even Sting, who breaks through and
rescues Bart.

14.  Jan 23 1992  8F12   Lisa The Greek  (by Jay Kogen
& Wallace Wolodarsky)

Board:              Did not appear in US.
Couch:              All make it, but Homer sat on the
dog and pulls it out from the cushions.

It's a football Sunday, and Homer is settled in on the
couch, surrounded by junk food ("Bye bye, belt!").  He
places a bet on the game through Moe the bartender. 
He's not interested in seeing the shoebox house Lisa
made for her Malibu Stacy doll.  Taking some advice
from Marge, Lisa tries to show interest in football so
she can get close to her father.  In the meantime,
Marge takes Bart shopping for clothes (he's
underwhelmed by it all).  After she picks the winner in
the 2nd game, Homer appreciates her company.  Before
long, Sunday becomes "Daddy-Daughter Day" in the
Simpson house:  Lisa picks the winners, Homer places
the bets, and they're both happy (but Moe's not happy).
With the extra money, Homer splurges on the family:  he
takes them to the Gilded Truffle, and he buys them all
fancy presents.  Later -- the week after the Super
Bowl, Lisa wants Homer to climb Mt. Springfield with
her.  He declines; he's going bowling with Barney
instead.  This breaks her heart; she feels used.  She
gives away all of the Malibu Stacy accessories Homer
had bought for her with the gambling winnings.  Homer
tries to patch things up with her, but when he asks for
the winner of the Super Bowl, her answer is confused. 
"If I love you, Washington will win," says Lisa.  "If I
don't, Buffalo wins" (NOTE:  These teams actually
played in Super Bowl XVI on Jan. 26; Washington won
there, too).   On Super Sunday, Homer goes down to
Moe's bar to watch the game.  He doesn't bet any money,
as the stakes are much higher:  his daughter's love. 
After some skewering of the Super Bowl phenomenon (the
halftime show, Duff Bowl, etc.), we find out that
Washington wins!  Lisa loves her father.  The next
week, they celebrate by climbing Mt. Springfield.

A nice touch at the end of the show was the marching
band arrangement of the Simpsons and Gracie Films
themes.

15.  Feb 06 1992  8F14    Homer Alone (by David Stern)
 
Board:    I will not spank others.
Couch:    They all form a human pyramid (Maggie on top)

It's another typical madhouse day at the Simpson
household -- but Marge's response is far from typical,
as we shall see.   She cleans up after Bart and Homer's
chase; she changes Maggie's diaper, makes lunch for
everyone, brings the kids to school when they miss the
bus, runs errands all over town -- a classic case of a
mother who gets no respect.  On the way home, she hears
a crank phone call on the radio (the guy's wife died);
that, plus getting splashed with formula from Maggie's
bottle, causes a nervous breakdown.  Before long, she's
stopped her car on the bridge, blocking both lanes of
traffic and creating quite a commotion.  Homer arrives
on the scene to talk her out.  She's arrested but is
freed after the personal intervention of Mayor Quimby. 
What Marge needs is a vacation -- by herself.  She goes
to Rancho Relaxo to get away from it all.  Meanwhile,
Bart and Lisa are sent to stay with Patty and Selma and
have to cope with tongue sandwiches, blackhead guns,
and Patty's snoring -- conditions no one should have to
face.  Maggie is smart; she stays home with Homer.  He
finds she's a handful to deal with.  One night, Maggie
climbs out of the crib and leaves the house to find
Marge.  She stops at everything that reminds her of
Mommy (a bush, a woman at a hair salon, a "Palace
Guard", an ice cream cone).  When Homer discovers her
missing, he calls the police, who find her and return
her.  The vacation has done wonders for Marge; she's
ready to come home, and everybody is ready for her to
come home.  They promise to accommodate her needs in
the future.  We'll see.

A nice touch at the start:  the Road Runner tribute,
with Bart as Brat'us Don'thaveacow'us and Homer as Homo
Neanderthal'us.

16.  Feb 13 1992  8F16   Bart The Lover (by Jon Vitti) 
VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL

Board:              Did not appear.
Couch:              Alien hears them coming, drops
through trap door in floor.  They suspect nothing.

Bart's teacher, Mrs. Krabappel, is a lonely woman. 
She's tired of eating her Chef Lonely Hearts Soup for
One; she wants a man.  She decides to place an ad in
the Personals section of Springfield Magazine. 
Meanwhile, yo-yos become a big craze at school, thanks
to a demonstration by the Twirl King team.  Bart
becomes pretty good at it; Mrs. K. becomes sick of it. 
Bart pulls a trick in class, but it goes awry, and the
aquarium is smashed, sending the fish on that trip to
the Great Beyond (which starts via a toilet flush). 
Mrs. K. gives Bart a month's detention.  One day, while
Mrs. K. is out of the room, Bart goes through her desk
to get the yo-yo back.  He discovers the personal ad
she's placed and decides to play a trick on her.  He
writes a reply using the name Woodrow (named for
President Wilson).  The message gets a response:  Mrs.
K. sends a sexy photograph of herself (bound for the
Xerox machine, says Bart).  Gathering inspiration from
various sources (including a photo of Gordie Howe in
his playing days), he writes more love letters to her,
and she's just eating them up.  The finishing touch? 
"Woodrow" asks Mrs. K. to join him at the Gilded
Truffle for dinner.  Bart sees her there and laughs;
later, he passes by the restaurant, and she's still
there.  He doesn't laugh; in fact, he feels pretty
rotten.  He turns to the family for advice, and they
help him compose a final letter, which he slides under
her doorstep.  In it, "Woodrow" says he must leave and
she can't follow, but he'll remember her always.  It
works; she keeps her dignity and happiness, and even
invites Bart to spend a day of detention outside.

MAJOR SUBPLOT:  It's cold outside, and the dog is
suffering.  His tongue is frozen to his dish.  Marge
suggests buying a doghouse, but Homer insists on
building it himself.  As usual, he has trouble, and he
curses up a blue streak.  Todd Flanders hears these
words and tries them out at dinner.  Big mistake --
he's sent to his room.  Mr. Flanders tries to determine
where Todd heard those words.  He eventually discovers
Homer is responsible, and the two talk it out.  They
reach a deal:  if Homer stops cursing, Flanders will
shave off his mustache (which he does).  To help him
stop cursing, Marge sets up a Swear Jar in the kitchen.
Every time Homer swears, he has to put money into the
jar.  He fills up the jar pretty quickly, but he does
stop swearing.  The doghouse project is a disaster;
fortunately, there was enough money in the jar to buy a
doghouse (plus some beer for Homer).

17.  Feb 20 1992  8F13 Homer at The Bat (by Jon
Swartzwelder)

Board:              Does not appear in US; elsewhere,
"I will not aim for the head" (very apt)
Couch:              All bump heads, knock each other
out except Maggie, who sits alone on the couch.

One day at work, Homer has a major encounter with a box
of donuts, causing him to choke on them.  He recovers
in time to sign up for the company softball team, which
has not seen glory in some time (only 2 wins last
year).  But when Homer says he's got a secret weapon,
the other guys sign up too.  At home, he shows Bart his
secret weapon:  his homemade Wonderbat, cut from a tree
limb that nearly fell on him during a thunderstorm.  It
may not look like much, but it packs a wallop, as Homer
demonstrates during the game against the police. 
Before long, Home Run Homer is leading the team to the
league title.  Meanwhile, Burns makes a million-dollar
bet on the outcome of the game with the owner of the
Shelbyville plant, whose team will play against the
Springfield Zephyrs (with Smilin' Joe Fission as
mascot).  To ensure that he wins the bet, Burns
commands Smithers to get some major league baseball
players as ringers for his team.  Smithers finds Jose
Canseco, Ken Griffey Jr., Mike Scioscia, Don Mattingly,
Roger Clemens, Darryl Strawberry, Steve Sax, and Ozzie
Smith  (all voiced by themselves).  They take phony
jobs at the plant in order to qualify for the team. 
The regular guys (including Homer) are not happy about
this development, but they continue to work out and
practice.  The day before the big game, Burns gloats
about his chances -- what can go wrong?  Sax is
arrested by power-crazed cops; Smith vanishes down the
Mystery Spot; Scioscia gets radiation poisoning from
his plant job; Canseco is occupied with saving a
woman's house from a fire, etc.  Looks like the regular
guys will get to play after all -- except for Homer,
because Strawberry's still around.  With the score tied
43-43 in the bottom of the 9th and the bases loaded,
Homer pinch-hits for Strawberry.  However, he's
confused by Burns' signals and is beaned (hit in the
head), which forces home the winning run.  Homer is the
hero (but he's still out cold for the team photo).

Of special interest:  both the Simpson and Gracie Films
themes were played on the organ tonight.  Also, the
closing theme was "Talkin' Softball", a special version
of "Talkin' Baseball".


18.  Feb 27 1992  8F15  Separate Vocations (by George
Meyer)

Board:    I will not barf unless I'm sick.  Also:  I
will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
Couch:    All but Bart make it; he lands on their laps.

The teachers have a surprise for their students:  a
career aptitude test, known by the appropriate acronym
CANT.  This test is supposed to find the career best
suited for a particular student.  Some should be
architects; others should be salmon gutters or military
strongmen.  The results say Bart should be a police
officer and Lisa a homemaker.  She doesn't care for
that.  She's got her career path as a famous jazz/blues
player all mapped out.  Looking for support, she
auditions at Li'l Ludwig's Music School.  Big mistake
-- the instructor says she won't be a good pro because
of stubby fingers (though he did like her chops).  Lisa
is devastated; all her dreams have vanished.  She
doesn't care about anything anymore -- not the band,
not schoolwork, not anything.  Meanwhile, Bart rides in
the back of a squad car one night and helps to catch
the guy who robbed Apu's Kwik-E-Mart.  He's made an
honorary police officer and really wants to become one
when he grows up.  He becomes a hall monitor at school,
and he and Principal Skinner clean up the place.  The
few major incidents that occur can be traced to -- Lisa
Simpson?!?  She inspires the vandalism of the school
mascot, and she steals all the Teacher's Editions of
the textbooks (this after she gets detention for
questioning Mrs. Hoover's competence).  Naturally, the
teachers panic.  Chaos sets in, and it's Bart and
Skinner to the rescue!  They start searching every
locker in school.  Bart finds the books first and
discovers Lisa's responsible.  She breaks down and
cries, wondering what ever came over her.  Bart tells
her to forget the test and follow her dreams.  He even
takes the blame for stealing the books.  As the episode
ends, Bart's doing detention (see second Board
statement) and Lisa's blowing her horn.  Everything's
back to normal.  GUEST VOICE:  Steve Allen, who
provided Bart's "altered" voice in a fantasy trial
sequence.

19.  Mar 12 1992  8F17 Dog Of Death  (by John
Swartzwelder)

Board:    I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's
lounge.
Couch:    Homer lays down on it, then the others sit on
top of him.

Lottery fever has struck Springfield; the jackpot is up
to $130 million!  The Kwik-E-Mart is the place to be,
as that's where everyone's buying tickets, including
Homer.  Marge cautions him not to go overboard on the
lottery (he bought $50 worth of tickets).  The drawing
day arrives, and all activity stops, even Krusty's
show.  The numbers are drawn.  No, the Simpsons don't
win (but anchorman Kent Brockman does).  And it looks
like they may be double losers:  Santa's Little Helper
has collapsed on the floor.  At the animal hospital,
the vet has bad news:  if the dog doesn't have surgery
to repair a twisted stomach, he'll die.  This surgery
costs $750, and Homer doesn't believe they can afford
to pay it.  He tells the kids about Doggie Heaven and
Doggie Hell, but Bart gets to the point:  he wants the
operation.  When SLH pulls the "sad eyes" treatment,
Homer capitulates.  There will have to be sacrifices,
but the dog will have the operation.  It's touch and go
for a while; SLH has a near-death experience.  But he
comes back; the operation is a success.  A few days
later, the family is unhappy about the sacrifices
they've made.  Bart's got a BAD haircut; Marge's
lottery numbers came up (and she didn't buy the
ticket); Lisa could have used this week's Encyclopedia
Generica volume; and Homer is reduced to singing for
quarters to buy beer.  Who do they blame?  The dog. 
Feeling unwanted, he leaves and wanders the countryside
until he's brought to the dog pound.  The next morning,
the Simpsons start looking for the dog.  Turns out he's
Burns' newest attack hound.  Bart discovers this when
he knocks on the mansion door -- the hounds have been
released, and SLH is in the lead.  Bart runs for his
life but is cornered by SLH.  The dog leaps into the
air -- and comes down licking Bart!  He remembers! 
It's a happy reunion at the Simpson household.

20.  Mar 26 1992   8F19 Colonel Homer (by Matt
Groening)

Board:    I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Couch:    All make it, but the cushions collapse under
them.

The family drives out to the local Googolplex to see a
movie.  With at least 28 to choose from, they can't
decide on one.  Bart and Lisa go see Space Mutants VI,
while Homer, Marge & Maggie go to see The Stockholm
Affair (a spy thriller).  Inside the theater, Homer
proves to be an undesirable customer -- he talks during
the film, he makes rude noises, he makes unwanted
comments, etc.  When he blabs the ending, the audience
pelts him with various food & drink, and Marge tells
him off.  He's in a foul mood on the drive home, and
when they arrive home, he drops off the others and sets
off on his own.  He drives 70 miles to Flaming Pete's
steakhouse, only to discover that it had burned down. 
He ends up at the Beer & Brawl, a real redneck bar
where they only serve Fudd Beer.  It's a tough crowd --
too tough for Yodelin' Zeke.  Later, the waitress sings
a couple of songs -- and they get to Homer.  He stays
until morning talking with Lurleen Lumpkin (voiced by
Beverly D'Angelo).  Upon his return home, Marge
admonishes him for not calling.  But Homer's in a good
mood.  It carries over to his work (to the dismay of a
certain surgeon), to the bowling alley (he rolls a
280), and everywhere else.  One day, he drives to
Lurleen's home in the trailer park to get a copy of her
songs.  But the only place they exist is in her head. 
So they go to a local recording studio where, for a
quarter, Lurleen records a CD of her songs.  The local
radio station KUDD plays them, and they go over very
well.  They even stop a riot at the prison.  Lurleen
asks Homer to manage her career, and he accepts.  This
doesn't please Marge at all; she is a bit jealous.  At
the recording studio, she becomes VERY jealous.  And
with good reason:  Lurleen is trying to proposition
Homer.  She tries one evening at her trailer, when
Homer tells her about the upcoming gig on "Ya-Hoo". 
But Homer is strong enough to resist her advances.  She
tries again during the TV performance, but Homer
resists again.  He decides he has to get out of the
business in order to save his family, so he sells
Lurleen's contract and returns home.  All is well.

NOTE:  the promos had a good line that didn't make the
final episode.  When Lisa observes that another woman
is in Homer's life, Bart says Dad's got lots of women
in his life -- Sara Lee, Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth,
etc.

21.  Apr 9 1992  8F20 Black Widower (by Jon Vitti)

Board:    Funny noises are not funny
Couch:    Theives dump them out of couch and walk off
with it.

After the family watches a parody of "Dinosaurs", they
get ready to host a dinner for Patty, Selma, and
Selma's new boyfriend.  They were pen pals while he was
in prison.  And who is her boyfriend?  None other than
Bob Terwiliger, also known as Sideshow Bob! (voiced by
Kelsey Grammer)  Bart and Lisa are terrified; remember,
they were the ones who discovered Bob had framed Krusty
the Clown for armed robbery (in the first season).  But
Bob reassures everyone that he's changed.  He tells his
story at dinner, a story of degradation and humiliation
behind bars.  But Selma's pen-pal letter turned him
around, and they fell in love.  In a surprise move, Bob
proposes to Selma at the dinner table -- and she says
yes!  All are happy, except Bart, who doesn't trust
Bob.  During the plans for the wedding, we learn that
Selma owns a lot of stock and that she has no sense of
smell (childhood bottle rocket accident). The wedding
is nearly called off because Bob can't stand
"MacGyver", Selma's (& Patty's) favorite TV show.  But
Homer suggests that Bob take a walk while MacGyver is
on.  The wedding goes well, and the couple goes on
their honeymoon.  We learn that Bob hasn't reformed at
all; in fact, he plans to murder Selma for her money. 
A few days later, the family watches a videotape of the
honeymoon.  In it, Bob strongly requested a room with a
fireplace.  Later, when "MacGyver" comes on, Bart
exclaims that Selma only has an hour to live!  Back at
the hotel, Bob is down in the hotel lounge.  Selma's in
her room watching "MacGyver".  Suddenly, there's a
tremendous explosion!  Bob & Selma's room is destroyed!
 Bob returns, hoping to find Selma dead.  Instead, he
finds a live Bart -- and the police.  Bob's arrested
and hauled off to jail.  How did Bart figure it out? 
By putting all of the facts together:  Bob planned to
turn on the gas during "MacGyver".  When Selma lit up
her customary after-show cigarette, BOOM!  Fortunately,
they got there in time to save her (the explosion was
Chief Wiggum's fault).

22.  Apr 23 1992  8F21  The Otto Show (by Jeff Martin)

Board:    Did not air in US; in Canada, "I will not
spin the turtle"
Couch:    Dog on couch, growls, family backs away
slowly.

Tonight's the night the Spinal Tap world tour rolls
into Springfield, and Bart is ready for it!  His first
rock concert.  Homer takes Bart and Milhouse to the
arena; he'll wait outside for them while they enjoy the
show.  Before the show, the leaders of Spinal Tap
(voiced by Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, and Harry
Shearer) have to put up with an inane interview by two
even more inane DJ's.  But that's nothing compared to
the problems during the show:  water on the stage,
malfunctioning props, a deflating devil, missed light
cues, etc.  It's so bad that they quit in frustration
after only 20 minutes, prompting a riot by the
audience.  Yes, Bart's in the middle of it, but he's
not hurt.  He has a dream:  to be a rock star.  To help
him along, Homer & Marge buy him an electric guitar
(with built-in amp).  It quickly becomes apparent that
Bart's not meant to be a guitarist.  Turns out Otto the
bus driver is an excellent player; in fact, he jams on
"Free Bird", causing a traffic jam and making the kids
late for school.  Realizing this, he steps on the gas
and begins the bus ride from Hell!  Nothing is safe in
his path -- the tire fire, the Tap tour bus, the police
picnic, nothing!  The bus crashes downtown at the park.
Nobody's hurt, but Otto loses his job.  Why?  He
doesn't have a driver's license!  He tries to get one
but fails the test (conducted by Patty, of course). 
He's evicted from his home and is forced to live in a
dumpster.  Bart finds Otto and invites him home to stay
with the family for awhile.  Of course, he hasn't asked
Homer & Marge if he can do this.  But Otto does stay
with them, more or less living like a sponge.  He won't
go look for work; the only thing he can do is drive a
bus.  On the verge of being tossed out of the house, he
goes for a retest.  He's ticked off at Homer and lets
Patty know; in doing so, he's guaranteed that he'll
pass the test.  By the end of the episode, Otto's back
behind the wheel of the bus, where he belongs.

23.  May 7 1992  8F22 Bart's Friend Falls In Love (by
Jay Kogen & Wallace Wolodarsky)

Board:    Did not appear in US; "I will not snap bras"
elsewhere
Couch:    Tips over, crashes through wall.

The story begins with an excellent RAIDERS parody as
Bart steals Homer's change jar and barely makes it to
the school bus.  He and Milhouse play with Milhouse's
new fortune-telling 8-ball, which says their friendship
will soon end.  Who or what will be the cause?  New
student Samantha Stanky (voiced by Kimmy Robertson),
that's who.  She ends up in Mrs. Krabappel's class. 
Bart is unimpressed, but Milhouse is taken with her. 
He walks Samantha home after school and brings her to
Bart's treehouse.  He welcomes her grudgingly, offering
to get some of Lisa's "dumb comics" for her.  He
returns to find the two of them in major lip-lock
(i.e., kissing).  Meanwhile, Lisa is concerned about
Homer's weight.  She suggests getting some subliminal
message tapes to help him lose weight.  However, he
receives the tapes for building vocabulary instead. 
While he doesn't lose weight, he learns a lot of big
words (and forgets them all after throwing the tapes
out in disgust).  Back to Bart:  he feels left out of
things.  Why, he even has to sit with Martin on the bus
and pal around with him after school!  That doesn't
last long.  He hangs out with Milhouse and Samantha,
watching Itchy & Scratchy together (he liked, they
didn't) and seeing a movie.  Tired of being rejected,
he calls Samantha's father and tells all.  Soon, he
arrives to take her away and put her in a Catholic
girls' school.  Milhouse is devastated, and Bart feels
pretty lousy, too.  At Lisa's urging, he confesses to
Milhouse; the result is a fierce battle, which ends
with Bart smashing the 8-ball on Milhouse's head.  They
pay a visit to St. Sebastian's school, where Samantha
is generally happy . . . and Bart and Milhouse are
friends again.

COMING NEXT WEEK:   Reruns.  Date of next new episode
unknown (suspect one more).

If anybody has any additions, comments or suggestions,
please let me know.  Hope you enjoy this list as much
as I've enjoyed creating it.

Roger Reini/76116,1436 in Detroit

