From: harrison@cs.ubc.ca (James Harrison)
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
Subject: Re: Wanted: - Norm! quotes
Date: 25 May 1993 21:49:46 -0700
Message-ID: <1tustaINNoc8@shiner.cs.ubc.ca>

The Normisms file, Version 1.3.

Maintained by rjc@math.princeton.edu (Raymond Chen).  Please
do not distributed modified versions of this file.  This header
may not be deleted.

In chronological order:

The Coach's Daughter:

Norm:  Gentlemen, start your taps.

Any Friend of Diane's:

Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm:  Like it caught me in bed with his wife.

Friends, Romans, and Accountants:

Coach: How's life, Norm?
Norm:  Not for the squeamish, Coach.

Truce or Consequences:

Coach: How's it going, Norm?
Norm:  Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.

Coach Returns to Action:

Sam:   What's up, Norm?
Norm:  My nipples.  It's freezing out there.

Endless Slumper:

Coach: What's the story, Norm?
Norm:  Thirsty guy walks into a bar.  You finish it.

The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One:

Sam:  What's new, Norm?
Norm: Most of my wife.

Now Pitching, Sam Malone

Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm:  Naah, I'd probably just drink it.

Let Me Count the Ways:

Coach: What's doing, Norm?
Norm:  Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst.  I happen to be the
guinea pig.

No Help Wanted:

Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm:  No, I know what they look like.  Just pour me one.

Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm:  Hey I'm high on life, Coach.  Of course, beer is my life.

Fortune and Men's Weights:

Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
Norm:  I dunno.  I usually finish them before they get a word in.

Coach: What's up, Norm?
Norm:  Corners of my mouth, Coach.

Snow Job:

Coach:  What's shaking, Norm?
Norm:   All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.

Coach:  Beer, Normie?
Norm:   Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
Eh, why not, I'm still young.

Norman's Conquest:

[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
Coach:  Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
Norm:   With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.

I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2):

Coach:  What's up, Normie?
Norm:   The temperature under my collar, Coach.

Diane Meets Mom:

Coach:  What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Norm:   Going down?

[Norm returns from the hospital.]
Coach:  What's up, Norm?
Norm:   Everything that's supposed to be.

Peterson Crusoe:

[Norm comes in, depressed.  He just stands by the door with a sullen face.]
Norm:   [mutters] Afternoon, everybody.
All:    Norm?  (Norman?)

The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter:

Sam:  What's new, Normie?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam.  They've taken over my stomach.
They're demanding beer.

King of the Hill:

Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
Norm:  Just the usual, Coach.  I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.

The Mail Goes to Jail:

Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm:  Daddy wuvs you.

Behind Every Great Man:

Sam:  What'd you like, Normie?
Norm: A reason to live.  Gimme another beer.

Norm:  Afternoon, everybody.
All:   Norm!
Cliff: Afternoon, everybody.
All:   [silence]

The Executive's Executioner:

Sam:  What will you have, Norm?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.  I'll take a glass of whatever
comes out of that tap.
Sam:  Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.

Birth, Death, Love and Rice:

Sam:  What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.

Woody Goes Belly Up:

Sam:  What do you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Hiya, sailor.  New in town?

Diane's Nightmare:

Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
All:  Norm!  (Norman.)
Sam:  Still pouring, Norm?
Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.

I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday:

Sam:   What's the good word, Norm?
Norm:  Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
Sam:   Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
Norm:  Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Sam:   One heartburn cocktail coming up.

Love Thy Neighbor:

Sam:   Whaddya say, Norm?
Norm:  Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.  And down it goes.

>From Beer to Eternity:

[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama]
Off-screen crowd:  Norm!
Sam:   How the hell do they know him here?
Cliff: He's got a life, you know.

The Bar Stoolie:

Woody:  What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:   Boxer shorts and loose shoes.  But I'll settle for a beer.

The Triangle:

Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Elope with my wife.

[Norm is angry.]
Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Clifford Clavin's head.

Take My Shirt... Please?

Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.

The Peterson Principle:

Sam:  Hey, what's happening, Norm?
Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.

Diane Chambers Day:

Sam:  How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.

Strange Bedfellows, Part 1:

Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?

Strange Bedfellows, Part 2:

Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  My cheeks on this barstool.

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
Norm:  Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
Eh, make that one-thirty.

Strange Bedfellows, Part 3:

Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Poor.
Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Norm:  No, I meant `pour'.

The Proposal:

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
Norm:  Boy meets beer.  Boy drinks beer.  Boy gets another beer.

Tan 'n Wash:

Paul:  Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
Norm:  Like a baby treats a diaper.

Norm:  Hey, everybody.
All:   [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich]
Norm:  [carries on both sides of the conversation himself]
Norm!   (Norman.)
How are you feeling today, Norm?
Rich and thirsty.  Pour me a beer.

Knights of the Scimitar:

Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
Film at eleven.

Chambers vs. Malone:

Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.

Norm's Last Hurrah:

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
Norm:  See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.

Sam:   Well, look at you.  You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.
Norm:  And I need a beer to wash him down.

Home is the Sailor: [the bar is completely different, since Sam went
sailing around the world and sold the bar]

Norm:  Afternoon, everybody.
Woody: Norm!  [nobody else in the bar says anything]
Norm:  That was it, Woody.  Last chance.  I'm out of here.

Norm:     [comes in, pretending to be Joe Average customer,
as part of operation Wayne Down the Dwain]
This looks like a nice, friendly tavern.  What the heck,
I think I'll give it a chance.


Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2:

Woody:  Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:   No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.

Paint Your Office:

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Let's talk about what's going <in> Mr. Peterson.  A beer, Woody.

A Kiss is Still a Kiss:

Sam:  How's life treating you?
Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.

Let Sleeping Drakes Lie:

Woody:  Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:   A little early, isn't it Woody?
Woody:  For a beer?
Norm:   No, for stupid questions.

Airport V:

Woody:  What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:   The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
Let's just cut to the happy ending.

One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape, Part 2:

Pepe:  [something in Spanish]

Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back:

Woody:  Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
Norm:   I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.

Don't Paint Your Chickens:

Sam:  Beer, Norm?
Norm: Have I gotten that predictable?  Good.

Call Me, Irresponsible:

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''

The Two Faces of Norm:

[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
Norm:  Afternoon, everybody!
All:   Anton!

Two Girls for Every Boyd:

Sam:  What can I get you, Norm?
Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder?
Ah, just kidding.  Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little
suckers.

Feeble Attraction:

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm:  Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?

Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh:

Sam:  What are you up to Norm?
Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.

Loverboyd:

Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
Norm:  You mean, `Nice cold beer going <down> Mr. Peterson.'

Sam:   What do you know there, Norm?
Norm:  How to sit.  How to drink.  Want to quiz me?

Sam:   Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
Norm:  Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.

Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Pretty nervous if I was in the room.

Breaking In Is Hard to Do:

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
Norm:  The warranty on my liver.

[Norm returns from another trip to plug the parking meter]
Sam:  What'll you have this time, Norm?
Norm: A cow if I have to climb those stairs one more time.

[The Cranes are concerned that Frederick has yet to say his first word.]
Norm:      Afternoon, everybody.
Frederick: Norm!
Lilith:    He said Mommy!

Bad Neighbor Sam:

[The bar clientele has turned yuppie.]
Bradley:  Ciao, gang!
All:      Bradley!

Veggie-Boyd:

Sam:  What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.

It's a Wonderful Wife:

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Another layer for the winter, Wood.

The Norm Who Came to Dinner:

Sam: [answers the phone]  Cheers!  ... [to gang] Hey guys, it's Norm.
[holds up the receiver]
All: Norm!
Sam: [to phone] Hey, what's shakin' man? [chuckles]
[to gang]  Where does he come up with these things?

Where Have All the Floorboards Gone:

Sam:  What's going on, Normie?
Norm: My birthday, Sammy.  Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll
blow out my liver.

Head Over Hill:

Woody: Hey, Mr. P.  How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
Norm:  Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
Found him every couple of blocks.

---

Not yet categorized:

"How about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"
