 
 You Call That Service?!?by Michael Hahn
 


        "Customer harassment" ought to be a crime.  Instead, it seems
    to the order of the day.  Somewhere along the way, someone must
    have decided service meant "annoy the customer until he buys
    something."  Personally, I think it was Sam Walton . . .
        So what am I babbling about?  Anyone over the age of twenty-
    five can remember when you could enter a retail store, browse
    quietly for a few minutes, then leave.  Not any more.
        Let's take a trip to Your Favorite Computer Store.  As you
    walk in the door, a person with a plastic smile and a plastic
    nametag leaps from a niche by the entrance.  "Welcome to Your
    Favorite Computer Store," he or she says, "how are you today."
    No, that last phrase is not a question.  It's one of those
    scripted phrases that has ceased to have a meaning, like "Have a
    nice day."
        You flee the artificial intelligence at the door for the
    relative safety of the software aisles.  Guess what?  A besmiled,
    be-buttoned clerk intercepts you with a, "May I help you find
    something?" on his lips.  You shake your head, mumble, "No thanks.
    I'm just browsing."  It doesn't work.  Clerk #1 hovers a few feet
    away, pretending to straighten the merchandise on the shelves.  As
    soon as you pick up a box to read the advertising copy, Clerk #1
    swoops.  "Are you familiar with that product, sir?"  You snarl,
    then scamper into the next aisle.
        Clerk #2 was waiting within earshot of your exchange with
    Clerk #1, but he nevertheless asks, "May we help you find
    something?"  You whimper, then scurry for the door to the real
    world in defeat.  The ordeal isn't over, though--another animated
    mannequin with a lapel button interposes himself between you and
    the door, drones, "Come back soon.  Have a nice day."
        Ack.  All I want to do is browse.  The really annoying part of
    this is when you *do* want to ask a clerk a question--there isn't
    a one to be found.
        Attention store owners:  How about a lot less "service" and a
    little more help?


    Note:  Lest you think this afflicts only computer stores, try any
    Wal-Mart, K-Mart, or (saints preserve us!) bookstore.  It's a
    disease, and it's spreading.  Beware of any store that calls its
    clerks and sales staff "associates".

                                -end-
                    Copyright (c) 1993 Michael Hahn
