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                          The Meaning of Life                                  [44m[37m
                          by Jeffrey Owens                                     [44m[37m
                                                                               [44m[37m
                                                                               [44m[37m
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    There I was: seventy-two straight hours of transcendental meditation and   [44m[37m
 I'd passed the Twilight Zone, gone beyond the lunatic fringe, seen Elvis      [44m[37m
 (he's on the Slim Fast plan and looking pretty good), and reached Nirvana.    [44m[37m
 God was there.                                                                [44m[37m
    Well, he looked like god.  No one else could dress that badly and get away [44m[37m
 with it.  Okay, there's Madonna; point taken.  But this guy--he was archaic.  [44m[37m
Had on this sort of toga thing that was twelve different shades of white.  He  [44m[37m
 was old too, in his billions maybe.  Much too old to be going to a toga       [44m[37m
 party, so you have to figure he meant to dress that way.                      [44m[37m
    Didn't matter.  I hadn't come all this way for fashion lessons.  I wanted  [44m[37m
 the meaning of life.  Who better to ask?                                      [44m[37m
    He was asleep.  I tried shaking him awake.  You know, a gentle tap on the  [44m[37m
 shoulder and a, "Hey your Holyness, time to wake up".  Creep didn't budge, so [44m[37m
 I kicked him--hey, I was in a hurry, alright?                                 [44m[37m
    "Uh, what?" he said.  "Mikey, is that you?  Just a a few more hours, okay? [44m[37m
 Then I promise to do something about that AIDS business."                     [44m[37m
   "No, it's me.  Noz.  Remember?"                                             [44m[37m
    Blood-shot eyes squinted at me.  He sat up.  "Noz?  What's a Noz?"         [44m[37m
    "Me.  I'm a Noz.  Nice to meet you."  I stuck out my hand.                 [44m[37m
    "No.  This can't be happening.  It's a dream, right?  Something Luke       [44m[37m
 cooked up to spoil my nap?"                                                   [44m[37m
    "Wrong-o."                                                                 [44m[37m
    "Thought we'd gotten rid of you."                                          [44m[37m
    "Why would you do that?"                                                   [44m[37m
    "Uh?  Oh, no reason.  Forget it.  So, what do you want?"                   [44m[37m
                                                                               [44m[37m
                                                                               [44m[37m
    "The meaning of Life."                                                     [44m[37m
    "Sure, no problem."  He stared at me some more.                            [44m[37m
    "Well, what is it?"                                                        [44m[37m
    "Can't tell you."                                                          [44m[37m
    "What?!"                                                                   [44m[37m
    "Against the rules."                                                       [44m[37m
    "That's great!  Came all the way out here for nothing."                    [44m[37m
    God got this sort of gleam in his eye.  "I can tell you this," he          [44m[37m
 whispered.  "Television.  The signals from television mess up your mind.      [44m[37m
 That's why the world's screwed-up.  Everyone's watching TV.  Stop watching    [44m[37m
 for awhile, you'll see."                                                      [44m[37m
    "That makes sense."                                                        [44m[37m
    He nodded, "Sure it does, sure.  Now get out of here."                     [44m[37m
    God waved his hand and I was back in my room.  But now I had it, not the   [44m[37m
 meaning of life, no, but a secrete.                                           [44m[37m
    That day I began the quest--to not watch TV and see how the world looked.  [44m[37m
                                                                               [44m[37m
                                                                               [44m[37m
                              Part two                                         [44m[37m
                                                                               [44m[37m
                               No TV....                                       [44m[37m
                                                                               [44m[37m
                                                                               [44m[37m
    Two days, no TV, and I start having these dreams, like maybe the TV        [44m[37m
 signals are reaching out, trying to find me, and not quite connecting.        [44m[37m
    You know Norm from Cheers?  Well, he's there, dressed in green  tights     [44m[37m
 like Errol Flynn.  Norm in green tights is something that should never        [44m[37m
 happen.  He has this bow and these arrows and a feather in his pointed hat.   [44m[37m
 Norman Hood, that's who he is.                                                [44m[37m
    "Hey Little Noz," he says.  "Ready to rob from the Network and give to the [44m[37m
 poor?"                                                                        [44m[37m
    "You bet."                                                                 [44m[37m
    We're in this forest--Holly Wood.  Bunch of other people are with us,      [44m[37m
 we're getting ready to assault the castle to rescue Maid Sinead O'Connor.  I  [44m[37m
 have to wonder: why bother?                                                   [44m[37m
    "It's in the script," says Bill Clinton Scarlet.                           [44m[37m
    "You think we're over-budget?" I ask.                                      [44m[37m
    "Gonna be some cuts," he says.                                             [44m[37m
    Right about then Friar Limbaugh comes over and starts giving Bill          [44m[37m
 a--liberal--tongue lashing.  Bill turns red and I start thinking this can't   [44m[37m
 get worse.  Then I get a good look at the "Merry Men"; it's the cast of       [44m[37m
 Saturday Night Live, old and new.  Eddy Murphy is dressed like Gumby, Chevy's [44m[37m
 all tangled up in his bow, Wayne and Garth are playing air-guitar with        [44m[37m
 theirs.  Then there's John Belushi in his samurai outfit, hacking at the      [44m[37m
 bushes, and Dan and Jane--The Coneheads.                                      [44m[37m
    "So, where's the sheriff?"                                                 [44m[37m
    Norman Hood looks at me, like I'm the one trying to burst out of my green  [44m[37m
 tights.  "Billy Ray?  He's in the castle, dope.  Where'd you think?"          [44m[37m
    "I'm really, really, trying not to."                                       [44m[37m
                                                                               [44m[37m
     (c) 1993, Noz-E-Ated Press                                                [44m[37m
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