Newsgroups: alt.tasteless,alt.answers,news.answers Path: bloom-beacon.mit.edu!hookup!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!EU.net!sunic!uts!diku!case From: case@diku.dk (Saint Ool) Subject: Welcome to alt.tasteless! (Monthly Posting) Summary: The alt.tasteless FAQ Message-ID: <1994Apr12.092301.22805@odin.diku.dk> Sender: case@ask.diku.dk Supersedes: <1994Mar22.115907.26787@odin.diku.dk> Approved: news-answers-request@MIT.edu Date: Tue, 12 Apr 1994 09:23:01 GMT Expires: Mon, 30 May 1994 00:53:02 GMT Organization: Church of Divine Tastelessness Followup-To: alt.tasteless Lines: 973 Xref: bloom-beacon.mit.edu alt.tasteless:36889 alt.answers:2406 news.answers:17951 Archive-name: tasteless-faq [120 lines of intro (takes 2 min. to read -without laughing), 880 lines of info] WELCOME TO ALT.TASTELESS 1. What is alt.tasteless? A newsgroup devoted to tasteless phenomena in all its forms. A place for people with a twisted and sick sense of humour. In alt.tasteless we like to get into the details: short jokes have their forum in alt.tasteless.jokes, we want the feel of it, the smell of it, the stench of it, every little rotten and puss-oozing detail. And then of course some rough gifs of it in alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless or alt.tasteless.pictures. You should never post gif's to the group, as it might cause some news admins to kill the group at his site. Some examples of popular alt.tasteless posts: The joys of raping epeleptics / the dead / pregnants / minors / small furry animals with big wet eyes. 'The worst (scrotal/nasal/rectal) operation I've ever had'. The joys of vomiting / farting / pissing / shitting / picking your nose / masturbating / menses / giving birth to children / sweating / slobbering. Tasteless sex acts. But tastes differ even within the tasteless kingdom. Some like a story of a little boy sitting on the throne shouting 'Me go plop-plop! Me go plop-plop!' whereas others favour the weeping spastic on the toilet, desperately struggling not to miss the bowl screaming 'Me go plop-plop! Me go plop-plop!'. The first is a simple example of pleasure in taking a dump (which is per definition tasteless -not to say forbidden: things you shouldn't talk about coming out a hole you shouldn't talk about making a sound you should discuss in every detail..er, sorry making a sound you shouldn't talk about). The second example brings more sophistication and delicacy into the sordid affair, and is thus labelled as being more 'mature', the name of the label apparently chosen because innocent children (or innocent adults, for that matter) will not find it funny, except perhaps the 'plop-plop!' bit. This difference in taste was debated a while ago and ended thus: ** A person asks: >I'm confused. Could someone explain the concept of intelligent, >mature tastelessness. tpehrson answers: original, non-monotonous material, either based on fact or vividly graphic or repulsive image provking, command of spelling and grammar to the level of comprehensible. examples of !(not)tastelessness: boring fiction, recycled fraternity jokes, excessive pointless profanity, vanilla sex, elementary playground 'eww gross' urban legends, license plates, funny names, john young, flaming w/o abhorrent metaphors and/or insults to mother's sexual integrity. of course i'm no authority on the matter, but at least i'm not a festering bag of puss; the result of copulation between my mother and a handful of earthworms. ** Additionally, please note that this is not alt.tacky or alt.bad.taste. This means that merely saying 'Bee Gees, ha ha ha' is not enough, you will generally have to couple it with something really tasteless to make other people laugh. And yes, we have heard zillions of puke and huge bowel movement stories. But don't let that keep you from posting one, much rather this should raise your ambitions and thus the quality of your story. Then having sussed out that your post is too interesting, intelligent, sick, twisted and funny to be wasted in alt.tasteless.jokes, rec.humor, alt.evil, sci.med, alt.stupidity, alt.sex.bestiality, alt.urban.legend, soc.college and so on, you choose alt.tasteless and post. The group is unmoderated and the subject line of your article will be seen by approx. 100.000 people worldwide. WOW! What will happen next? 1. Some will ignore it. 2. Some will read part of it, then skip to the next article. 3. Some will read the whole thing. 4. Maybe one or more person(s) will reply to you telling you what they thought of the article. They might even follow it up if they have something to add. This is sadly the ideal picture. People will follow-up even though they have nothing to add, although you have to suffer from a severe case of tasteless talent and luck to ever experience case 4. Some very good tasteless posts have generated absolutely no response, or in other words the same response as you'd get if you wrote it on a piece of paper only to flush it out the toilet. Then why post? Because you fucking feel like it! Every now and then a dickless weasel constipated on his own religion or set of values will bother the noble freethinkers in a.t. with his standard 'This is not funny' drivel. Best thing is to ignore him, next to mailing him with the likewise standard reply 'Then why do you read it?'. A follow-up is not a good solution here, unless you choose to flame him to ashes in such an inspired way that the readers of alt.tasteless also benefits (hint hint). YOU ARE THEN STRONGLY ENCOURAGED TO SET THE FOLLOW-UP TAG TO "Followup-To: alt.flame". This formal information may make alt.tasteless seem like a terribly boring place, but all the stuff that has been recommended (not commanded!) thus far has been recommended in order to make the newsgroup (believe it or not) more chaotic, and not a boring newsgroup with 3 month cycles. It's our hope that you'll now feel WELCOME IN ALT.TASTELESS! Post quality. Encourage quality. Discourage crap. That's the simple secret to keeping alt.tasteless a living forum and community. We'd rather see 12 good posts in a year from your keyboard than 12 crap ones in a week. You'll even get more respect that way. Also, thank people for amusing you. That's the only payment they get. And don't be afraid to tell badly educated idiots to shape up. That's probably the only education they get. The rest of this document is dedicated to your education and amusement, but if you wish to perform chapter skipping/browsing, tell your editor to search for the character '|', and it'll take you to the next chapter. In the nn newsreader this can be done by pressing '/', '|' and '[ENTER]'. The items on the menu are: O A boring dictionary. O An informative encyclopedia. O An amusing 'Answers to Frequently Asked Questions' part. O A terribly unjust and flawed 'Who's Who?'/resource guide section. O A mailorder service. O Some not all that amusing but still worthwhile information. THE ALT.TASTELESS PHRASE BOOK/DICTIONARY. This attempt is in no way complete, and aimed at people generally new to the net: :-) Tilt your head to the right. Yep, it's a cock about to penetrate. Figures like this one is used when people have just said something naughty, sort of a "Know what I mean know what I mean nudge nudge wink wink say no more say no more" *[word]*: Asteriks are used either for *emphasis*, or to indicate that it's a sound...like *plop* *plop* *plop* ("Buaah, I want to die because I'm a spastic"). AKA: Also known as AMPALLANG: Piercing of the glans of the penis (the head). Runs horizontally above the urethra and has origins in Borneo. APADRAVYA: Vertical piercing through the glans, or sometimes through the shaft of the penis just behind the glans. Mentioned in the original Kama Sutra. ARCHIE: A database. News.answers is, as usual, helpful with a monthly posting. Another way to find out more is to mail archie@archie.funet.fi with the Subject: 'help'. ASAP: As soon as possible. BEARS: Person, usually male, whose physical characteristics tend toward the husky and hirsute. BTW: By the way CASCADE: Netnews' public chain letter. Add a line and feel proud. CHOAD: See somewhere below CHURD: A fecal dildo. DURIAN: Large oval tasty but foul-smelling fruit with a prickly rind. Comes from an East Indian tree, who shall remain nameless. DYDOE: Piercing through the ridge of the glans, usually done on the side of the head and often in pairs. This piercing was originally done by Jewish men who wished to enhance their sexual pleasure (which they thought had been diminished by circumcision). FECO-STALAGMITE: Euphemism denoting the majestic molehill of shit found nesting in the bowl of clogged toilets. FELCHING: Sucking cum out of an arsehole. Who/what the cum and arsehole belongs to is up to your imagination and health standards. If you have trouble reaching, use a straw. The Kakasutra will tell a bit more. FRENUM: Piercing through the skin of the penis, on the underside just behind the glans. Often a large ring that circles the penis under the ridge of the glans is worn through this piercing. This provides stimulation to both partners during intercourse and acts much like a cock ring. FTP: File Transfer Protocol. The program that makes it possible for you to get stuff stored at other sites, be it Gifviewers or demented stories. News.answers has a monthly posting about FTP'ing. You can also send mail to mail-server@rtfm.mit.with with the body of the message reading "help" or "send usenet/news.answers/finding-sources" GIF: Graphic Interchange Format. A picture format common on the net. news.answers has an informational posting on the alt.binaries.pictures groups where all is explained. GUICHE: Piercing of the web of flesh that runs between the anus and the scrotum. A weight is often suspended from a guiche. GROGAN: A piece of shit. HAFADA: Piercing on the side of the scrotal sac originally done to Arab boys as a rite of passage. HAGGIS: Scottish delicacy made by filling a sheeps paunch with grinded intestines, barley and a shot of scotch. IMHO: In my hog-fucking opinion. IRC: Inter Relay Conference/Chat, a program that lets you 'talk' to other users. Your site might have it, type 'irc' and see what happens. You will might stumble into tasteless discussions. The 1st global alt.tasteless IRC party lasted for around 6 hours with a total of 67 participants. JIC: Just in case. JPEG or JPG: Another digital picture format. Like gif. News.answers and the groups in the alt.binaries.pictures hierarcy has monthly postings on the subject. KAKA SUTRA: Affectionate name for 'The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex Acts'. KILL FILE: A feature in most newsreaders. If you put a person in your kill file, your newsreader will ignore articles by that person. Read the man pages of your newsreader to find out how it works, or ask locally. After the introduction of kill files there's absolutely no excuse for wasting other peoples time with sour 4-line follow-ups. LJBF: "Let's just be friends". Sentence usually utterred by girl when offered a good squicking. MOTSS: Member of the same sex. OOBE: Out Of Body Experience. Something you experience during a very good shit. PRINCE AlBERT: Piercing that consists of a ring which goes through the urethra and out behind the glans. QUEEF: Pussy fart, vart, fanny fart. QUEEN KRISTINA: Piercing of the clitoris hood. REAMING: Getting fucked vigorously up the colon. RIMMING: Sphinchter licking. RTFM: Read the fucking manual. In alt.tasteless this will almost always be the alt.tasteless Kama Sutra (See Mailorder). SIC: 'Yes, though hard to believe, this is, in fact, an exact quote'. SO: Significant other, will generally mean your loved one. SQUICKING: See this post or 'Tasteless sex acts'. TWINK(IE): Generally, a cute young (male) thing (CYT). Known as "golden, cream-filled, and ready to be eaten." (Etymology: In the US, Twinkies(tm) are snack cakes with these same properties.) VOMIT-STALACTITE: aka Stalactovomite, the result of puking on the cieling. WRT: With reference/respect to. | ENCYCLOPEDIA HORRIBLIUS ASSWIPING Most male alt.tastelessers wipe back to front. All look at the paper after the wipe and some taste it and kiss it. BUMPER-STICKER If you or your friends or your family (or the family next door) would like your very own official "Save the CHOAD!" bumper sticker for only 2$ a piece (very cheap), e-mail to get more details. In the words of The Maker "Tasteless denizens everywhere can now identify themselves to other tasteless bastards!" CHOAD A long-neglected and abused synonym for "penis", the word "choad" dates back a good long time. We think maybe it's from Middle English but we're all too damned lazy to check the OED. Anyway, while kept barely alive during the '60's and '70's by underground comics, the word "choad" has recently enjoyed a resurrection and a re-erection on alt.tasteless. The tireless literary antics of David Garrett and Adam Thornton (see the Who's Who section) have nearly succeeded in revamping the word, bringing it to its full turgid glory. It has been reported that Beavis and Butthead have been known to use the word "choad" and the more common compound noun "choadsmoker" to mean, roughly, "a gobbler of nobs." The next time you're about to casually toss off a reference to a "willy", a "wankie", a "dick", a "Throbbing PleasureProng (TM)", a "Purple-Headed SnotNazi (TM)", or a "schlong", think again, and substitute the word "choad" instead. Become a Friend of the Choad: make it possible for the choad to once again roam the vocabularies of the world, its head held proudly erect. A choadstool is then what we call the fungal growth found on an unwashed scrotum. DOGS Are frequently rather tasteless. Apart from eating the fecal matter of almost any other mammal, they are also pretty keen on tampons, condoms and socks. It might be a profound wish for another tail that makes the dogs eat these objects that'll inevitable end up hanging out their puss-oozing and mite ridden asses. They're also familar with shitting and vomiting in the living room. The life of a canine is one long party. DRUGS A recommendation: Take all, and in as large quantities as possible. We especially recommend Dimethyl Sulfate. Not only does it randomly unwind and reform your DNA profile, it has also "been known to cause spontaneous cancerous lesions in rats". The official warning continues: "Extremely hazardous. No warning characteristics (e.g. odour, irritation). Delayed appearance of symptoms may permit unnoticed exposure to lethal quantities. Liquid produces severe blistering, necrosis of the skin... Vapours, after relatively asymptomatic latent period, cause severe inflammation and necrosis of the eyes, mouth, respiratory tract. Severe and fatal pulmonary damage may result. Systematically causes prostration, convulsions, delerium, paralysis, coma, delayed damage to kidneys, liver, heart with ensuing death in severe cases" - "have a big night on DMS and come home in a bucket" EXPLOSIVES We will of course help you getting disfigured enough for us to be amused, so here's what you do if you're too afraid to ask the alt.pyrotechnics experts how to make acetone peroxide or some other funny stuff: Get US Army Technical Manual 31-210 1969 "Improvised Munitions Handbook": The Improvised Munitions Handbook generally gets okay reviews; it contains a whole bunch of recipes for making explosives etc. out of handy chemicals. You can get it from several sources, gun shows, or for $5 from Sierra Supply. Sierra Supply, PO Box 1390 Durango, CO 81302 (303)-259-1822. Sierra sells a bunch of army surplus stuff, including technical manuals such as the Improvised Munitions Handbook. Sierra has a $10 minimum order + $4 postage. Catalog $1. I believe Paladin press also distribute this series and they will mail overseas. Other good sources are The Poor Mans James Bond, and The Anarchists Cookbook. They can be found in most large bookshops. JOKES alt.tasteless.jokes is now taking care of all the short jokes. And rec.humor has the "Canonical List of [rude, mommy mommy, dead baby etc. etc.] jokes". Ask them. NAMBLA The North American Man/Boy Love Association is a civil rights/political organization. They support CONSENSUAL intergenerational relationships and help educate society about the true nature of such relationships. NAMBLA publishes a Bulletin ten times a year which is sent by first class mail to its members. (It includes news, feature articles, letters, book reviews, short stories, etc.) They also publish a literary Journal (literary gifted alt.tastelessers take note, this might be your way to fame), books and other material (all of which are strictly legal). For further discussions contact Roy Radow (roy@panix.com or roy@sun.panix.com). He is their spokesperson on the net. For a packet containing a sample Bulletin, publications list and membership information send $1.00 postage to: NAMBLA Info, Dept.RR, PO Box 174, Midtown Station, NYC NY 10018. SMEGMA A cheesy, sebaceous secretion that forms between the foreskin and the glans of the penis of male mammals. Having smelt it few have the nerve to coat their tongue with it or swallow it. A shame really as this homegrown product easily outcompetes the flavours of all the cheeses made from milk (except the cheese made from dingo's milk). SQUICKING (see also 'Tasteless Sex Acts') The pratice one takes up when skull fucking becomes tedious. Skull fucking is the easiest of the two acts, as you only have to remove your partners eye to get somewhere to stick your thingy. A proper squicking requires you to trephine your partner (make a hole in your partners skull) and pork its brain this way. Aiming for the gap between the two hemispheres is said to provide you with firestorming orgasms. Geoff Miller comments: I posted that a year ago, and I *made it up!* I just figured that was the only activity that would make a "squicking" noise, with the possible exception of slipping the salami to a sucking chest wound. Mr. Miller himself prefers the basic squicking where the hole is located at the top of the head. Caza (a french comic artist) has this description accompaining a picture of prime squicking: 'The wound that never heals, the scar after the sacrificial act gaped rosy red and soft, shining and new...infinitely virginal ... Having bathed a whole world in blood, commander Aries defiled Lailahs brow with his spunk'. The name of the comic is 'Lailah' and it also has a good story about a man getting raped by a frog/woman. If you like Corben, this might be a comic for you. Scott M Hampton has also mentioned 'Woulffes Guide To Practical Squicking' as a fine introduction to squicking. It goes like this: Tools: A hammer and chisel, a quarter round wood rasp, a hand drill with at least a 3/8" metal cutting bit (not a spade drill, damn it), and a ink pen. Supplies: A partner, and suitable restraints. You may want some rags. Preperation: Tie partner (victim, partner, the difference is a subtle thing best left to linguists with free time. There's fun to be had now.) securely. Make certain the forehead is available and clean. Make a horizontal line about 2" above the eyebrows. Mark the center of the line between your partners eyebrows. Assemble tools, placing drill bit securely in chuck. Plug drill in. Get a beer, prepare yourself mentally. This is going to be great! Proceedure: Drill hole thru skull at mark on forehead. Using chisel and hammer, open the hole up to about 1/4" larger than your ManTool (TM Geoff). Then, use the rasp to knock off the rough spots -- no sense getting any scratches or scrapes on the ol Piston of Love. At this point you can pause and remove the restraints on your partner 'cause they aren't moving much by now. Position your partner for maximum comfort and pleasure -- no, you idiot -- YOUR pleasure. Harumph. Now, slide your engorged PleasureSnake slowly between your partners frontal hemispheres. The involuntary twitches this produces are one of the most pleasant sensations known to man. Real men, that is. If you were a neatness weinie and wiped up all the external blood, it may take a while for the internal bleeding to make the ride smooth, but otherwise there is plenty of lube for the job right at hand. Pump hearty, you are in for the orgasm of a lifetime! Clean up: Dispose of partner in an environmentally sound way, such as roast and stew meat. Happy eating! The variations are of course endless. The guru in this field is Geoff Miller (geoffm@purplehaze.Corp.Sun.COM). But please do only contact him in expert matters concerning squicking, as he cannot spend time learning newbies vanilla squicking. Squick is also used as a synonyme for 'being pushed beyond ones limits' in alt.sex.bondage. Therefore you'll sometimes experience people using the word 'Squick' in posts completely devoid of any skull-fucking related activity (i.e.: 'That article really squicked me' or 'He squicked my arsehole') THE STOOL GAME (From 'Tasteless Sex Acts') case@diku.dk: THE STOOL GAME official rules Two men sit in front of each other in a bathtub wanking. When the spunk/ water amount is 50:50, you start playing. Both put their feet on the sides of the bathtub, and try to push their stool as far out as they can, without losing it. It's extremely funny pushing it far out, then pulling it in again, and many experience a wonderful orgasm during this play. The winner is the man that can push the stool the most far out, and then still be able to retract it. One suggested variation is to trade a stool back and forth, the loser being the one to "drop" the stool. Not to be confused with the almost similar Wicca ritual. URINE Can just as shit be percieved by all 5 senses and the special 6th bodily fluid sense that the old time alt.tastelesser unavoidably develops, so I will not go into detail with the rancid bladdersplash itself. Rather the info will concern its sterility; can we safely drink it? Yes, we can. How ones body responds to this refreshment depends on a number of things, the most important being the concentration of waste products in this wine for gods. If you drink someones urine after they've had a sixpack, your kidneys will not be overworked with the extra waste products, but it may not then have the desired taste/smell/consistency. To help your kidneys you should always drink a lot of water after your pee games. You could for example follow the piss quaffing up with the drowning games (I for one, always tend to drink a lot of water during these). The berserkers (rough translation: The Bear Vests) were a happy tribe of vikings in Denmark around year 800 that had a habit of going berserk. My history book informs me that they used the alkaloid amanitin found in the mushroom Amanita. The trick was to boil the mushroom, let the strongest warrior drink the stuff, and have the other drink his piss, a trick also known among siberian, lappish and finnish tribes. The participants got moderately stoned and generally managed some transcendental experience. This practice is described as limited exclusively to men. The mushroom, Amanita Muscaria/Fly Agaric/Fluesvamp produces less nausea when it has been filtered in another humans body. Most people dismiss the idea that the mushroom was used to induce berserker rage, as the mushroom doesn't work that way. The prospect of killing, raping and mutilating other human beings should be sufficient. If you're going to eat mushrooms, drink piss etc., stick to the mushrooms with psilocybes in them. They are much more effective. The most famous peedrinker was good ol' Mahatma Gandhi. His mornings would start with him emptying his pottie in a good swig, allegedly for 'The health of the spirit'. Truly the sign of a great statesman. Prime Minister Morarji Desai followed in the piss trickle and drank piss each morning when he reigned (1977-1979). Lucky were the other leaders that had conversations with him on mornings where he had forgot to brush his teeth. No information as to the pee drinking habits of the current indian prime minister. Why drink pee then? The scientific explanation is that urine, and morning urine in particular, contains high amounts of melatonine, which is a hormone produced by the epiphyse during the night. Apart from having a soothing and painkilling effect melatonine also cheats the body into believing that it has slept more than it actually has. This manifests itself as a feeling of well-being and refreshment. The piss of sexually immature children contains more melatonine than adult piss, which explains the exhilaration one feels when lapping up infant piss. I have for one always been sure that the happiness wasn't just psychological. So Maybe you should spend more time as I: lurking in the bushes near the playground forcing the kids to piss in my smurf beer mug. You'll feel much better and much more equanimous. Cheers. Oh, and while we're at it. Don't eat asparagus before drinking your pee. Asparagus has an amino acid in it that makes your yellow drops smell horribly, as well as changing the taste. And don't drink piss from a person with a contagious disease unless you really want it. Speaking of that, Mitch Davis (cscmd@lux.latrobe.edu.au) is the current piss adviser of alt.tasteless. Ask him anything wee wee related you like, he'll be happy to help you. VEGEMITE -can be bought in some health stores and isn't really the canned stool sample that rumour claim it is. Here are some first hand experiences with the edible caca: "I too have had vegemite. I found a stock in a "health food" store. US$ 2.69 for a 4 ounce (113 gram) jar. "5 calories per serving". It has an odd, purply-brown color, and a smooth, thick, sticky texture. The "axle-grease" association is accurate. It does indeed have quite a strong salty, yeasty flavor, and you had better spread it on _very_ thinly. I think it looks like a substance from my native land called "catfish dough bait", only said bait is a bit grainier, not as creamy. Catfish dough bait has a thick, liverish, bloody odor to it, and appeared to be a compound of mud, blood and pureed liver. On a hot day, opening the tub of dough bait and inhaling deeply could give you vertigo and motion sickness. I find it hard to believe that "marmite" has a stronger, more vicious taste than vegemite. "Vegemite" has a pretty vicious aftertaste, and because of the yeast extract, it tends to come back to you later, in belches. It's also one of those foods with such a peculiar taste that no matter what you eat after- wards, vegemite is the taste that sticks with you." "It is very strong, try a little, then impress your friends with what looks like eating slabs of bread wiped in black excrement." "Well, as a New Zealander, I can truthfully say that Marmite is the only real yeast extract worth eating. Vegemite is for wimps, while Marmite is for real men. It has a much stronger, more vicious aftertaste than Vegemite." "It was the grossest thing I ever tasted. It's about as thick as peanut butter, and to say it tastes like shit would be an understatement." INGREDIENTS: Yeast extract (comes from the grunge that is left over after the beer brewing process), sea salt, potassium chloride, malt extract, caramel color, natural flavor, niacin, thiamine hydorchloride, riboflavin. Serving size: 3.25 gram Servings per container: 35 (big lie: I ate about a third of the container, and it was well over 100 servings) Cheese and vegemite sandwiches are so common in Australia that the manufacturer (Kraft) now sells premixed cheese&vegemite slices (they are a greyish colour, and very nice between buttered white bread, possibly with some lettuce) ObTrivia: Vegemite was invented after Marmite, and for a short time was called Parwill (get the pun? Mar mite, Par will. Ho ho!). "Vegemite" was the result of a renaming contest in the 30s(?). Let it also be known that Vegemite is available in 99% of Australian shops that stock spreads. IE, if the shop has jam, honey or peanut butter, then it almost certainly has vegemite as well. YEAST Is not that interesting in itself. But vaginal yeast infections are a riot. The infection occurs when the usual healthy balance between the yeast and the bacteria in the vagina disappears. Taking antibiotics can alter this balance. The treatment is to gulp down Lactobacillus acidophillus (yogurt culture) and shove it up your cunt. The idea of 'tank war' (a fine stripper act) might have started when a group of yeast infected women could think of nothing better than to walk like crabs, and using their vaginal muscles, shoot the yogurt at each other. Men too can get yeast infections on the counterproductive organ, especially if he has a good sized foreskin. Yeast infections love these nobby hide-outs. It's warm, it's moist, and there's a lot of smegma to thrive on. Yeast infections usually shows up after some days of hefty wanking and dubious hygiene as a reddish raddish. If you're not a spoil sport and start washing the glans with hospital soap, you can watch as the rash turns into little red sores that'll itch more and more. Before good soap was invented the cure was to hold the foreskin closed when pissing until it was bloated with piss as a frogs airbag is bloated with air, then let fly all over yourself and the toilet. Stuff in the urine should then clean out the yeast. Male yeast infections: For the biggest effect do the Macbeth routine and wash your nob hysterically so it's gets completely dried out and itchy for some time, until the body responds and produces vast amounts of smegma to get the balance right again. This is good, but if you relentlessly roll the foreskin back and forth while you fondle the back of your testicles with your left hand, some sticky stuff will suddendly come out. Smear this on the sore coverred nob, and repeat until all skin has been peeled of the raddish. |ANSWERS TO FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS/USEFUL INFORMATION: 1. My site doesn't carry alt.tasteless, what can I do about it? Best bet: Grovel at the feet of your news admin. If that doesn't work you'll have to read it/post to it from another site. finger lesikar@tigger.stcloud.msus.edu will provide you with all the addresses of the public newsservers (gopher and nntp) necessary. You might want to save this list in a file. In unix you'll do that by ading a "> news.sites" to the above line. 2. Is there an alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless archive site? No! You can't get nasty gifs via ftp. No site will store them. But sick individuals will, so your best chance is to get friendly with such a person (and alt.tasteless is just the right place) and have him send you pictures of fecallatio, genital surgery, coy children, whatever. 10. How come I can't get alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless? Ask the news admin at your site. And try not to look guilty when you do it. He'll most probably tell you that it takes up too much diskspace. 5302. What is this shit eating picture, that everybody keeps referring to? Probably hb2a.gif or hb6.gif, the most common names for two pictures of a woman pinching a loaf into the mouth of a man. It's sort of an alt.tasteless idol, and it appears under many names. Personally I've glued the two together and called it crap.gif. But they're quite good, actually. The woman is supposedly the french "actress" Catherine Ringer. She used to do porn movies and, according to her, she continued fucking with her co-stars between scenes cause she liked it (porn magazine kliche #1). She is now the lead singer of a popular french band named Rita Mitsouko, who has had lots of international hits. One of the gimmicks she used when they started the band, was to throw used tampons at the audience during performances. A sort of female G.G. Allin, one might say. 11. Are there any jokes you don't want to hear? Yes. Most. Especially "Because his dick tastes of blood", "Hearing the pelvic bone snap", "Oops, I farted" and the all the other short jokes. They belong in alt.tasteless.jokes. In alt.tasteless we want only the best and most original material. We've also seen "exploding whale" and "scrotum self-repair" a zillion times. If you see some cunt posting old hat remember to scold the perpetrator in email. 27. Aren't you all a bunch of 15 year old wankers? A 1992 survey fixed the average a.t subscribers age at 27 years (and a 1993 survey fixed the average weight at 200 pounds, but that's an altogether different matter). The critique of the group can easily be divided into two categories, and for your benefit I have included both the critique and the resulting discussions: The offended 1. A: I'm offended by a.t in general / some specific article. Brief: Yes...? / And...? / So what? / Buzz off, cunt! Nice: It's your god-given right to be offended. Be as offend as you wish. And if you have something to say within the charter of this newsgroup, don't hesitate to post. Practical: In nn, press 'n' to exit an article and 'U' to unsubscribe. Goodbye. Eager: The why did you read all the way through 'Genital Warts'? Maybe you like it and just won't admit it? Maybe bla. bla. bla. 2. A: Don't post such stuff! Brief: Why? Nice: Hey, the net is brimming with nice, warm fluffy newsgroups. Don't waste your time in this one. Practical: Don't read such stuff! Eager: Well, we like to...unlike you, a [lots of abuse, the fuel of beaten-to- death-discussions] 3. A: Why? Because I'm offended [Start all over again] Why? Because: [Pulls his personal value-moral package out of his hat] Brief: Ha ha ha, what a small and pathetic thing. Nice: Well, the package might work for you, but do not assume that you can convince the a.t subscribers that it's the right one for them. Behave! 1. A: This group is only of value to infantile youngsters. Brief: Yes. / No, I'm not an infantile youngster, and I like it. Nice: Hardly boys, we're 27... Practical: IF infantile youngster THEN subscribe. Welcome. IF NOT infantile youngster THEN unsubscribe. Goodbye. Eager: Is that why you read it? Your type bla. bla. bla., so maybe you bla and bla and blah. I have never seen any of the discussions run further than this. The Offended will most probably end in abuse, and Behave! will never get anywhere. The two critique-makers will never get to promoting their own value-moral package. So, what is your aim in these discussions? If you are the person beating on a.t and its readers your aim is to get as many Eager follow-ups as possible. Then you'll have a lot to follow-up to yourself, and you will know that a number of people used some of their time responding to something you have written. If you are an a.t defender you have an easy oppurtunity to show the group what a brave and cool dude you are. If you do so, please think of your audience. If you are a reader, you know that nothing new will show up in the discussion, your only hope being that the abuse will start early on and be very well-written and graphic. The thumb rule in these discussions is: Don't think that you add anything new, just make sure not to waste anybodys time completely. On invading other newsgroups: Please consider if it will be fun enough. Usually it won't. 7. Tasteless Secret Santa? "The Tasteless Secret Santa Gift exchange" is a cosy seasonal activity conducted by the motherly Pamela Beth Ryba (Pamelush to friends - pryba@wpi.edu to your mail program). It's about sharing tastelessness across geographic and governmental borders, and involves you sending a package to someone in a furrin land. The 1993 exchange was a great success and included nearly eighty people all over the world. Pam already has a long list of people signed up for next year, and refers to the project as an AT institution. Write her if you'd like to join, or just want to get some cheap email sex. 9. ? You can get the Roadkill calendar by sending 7$ to Jeanie M Box 52 Valhalla, NY 10595 and the "Penises of the Animal Kingdom" poster is 8.95$ + 2$ shipping from: Scientific Novelty Co. Post Office Box 673 Bloomington, IN 47402 (812) 331-8744. Featured on this poster are the penises of the human, dog, hyena, ram, giraffe, goat, porpoise, pig, horse, bull, elephant, and a whale - appropriately, the *sperm* whale. Archie McPhee Outfitters of Popular Culture P.O. Box 30852 Seattle, WA 98103 USA Order Desk and Info Line: (206) 782-2344 Should also be able to deliver a good number of tasteless things (blow up mosquitoes and the like). 11. Is there an alt.tasteless purity test? Paul Spinrad (pspinrad@ads.com) once wrote a 'Bodily Functions Survey' with questions covering nasal hygiene, vomiting, urination, defecation and flatus expulsion. Send email with the header 'Shrimp-nob!' to case@diku.dk. 12. Is there an a.t masonic style greeting? Yup. Pretend to wipe your ass, then give the fellow your hand. The call for distress is "Will nobody help the widows son fuck his dead father!?". This will usually give you all the help you want. The tough guys greet each other by both blowing their noses onto their hands, then shake with them, with the collective snots being squished out around the edges. After separation, the licking of the hand is optional. Only known to be in use in Australia. 17. Awards? I've heard something about awards being given out, and of people struggling to be Mr. Alt.Tasteless. That is the case. Every year we try to decide who to honour for their efforts in the group. During the year you're encouraged to send nominations to Chris "Systems Stud" Pikus (cjp@megatek.com), grouped in the following categories: 1. fiction 2. non-fiction 3. quote - general 4. quote - insult 5. flames [i.e. too long to be just a quote] 6. concepts [e.g. Mr. Lings fetal cookbook] 7. ordinary life [e.g. Jack in the box] 31. I have now read the a.t Kaka Sutra...Is there any way I can recognize fellow mainliners or teabaggers? Well, one is tempted to say that you will know the mainliners by their brownish lipstick, but I take it that you thinking of a 'hanky code' of some sort. To recap the North American Hanky Code: It requires two back pockets and a coloured hanky. Putting the handkerchief in the left pocket indicates that you want to be the active part, the right pocket that you want to be the recieving part. The colour of the hanky then indicates the preferred activity: Red is anal fisting, grey is bondage, black is heavy SM (whipping, burning etc.). The hanky code is known among North American homosexuals and SM affectionados, and I have regrettably no list of all the colours. There isn't really a similar a.t code, but just recently I have started to have a teabag dangling out my left backpocket, and maybe this will catch on. Perhaps the next edition of the Kaka Sutra will include 'the secret signs'. 69. I want to become an alt.tastelesser? How? Posess, use and flaunt: A sick sense of humour. Optional: Get: This document, the Kaka Sutra, the shit eating gif and the a.t theme song. |WHO'S WHO? You tell me. All I know is that Lonely Vicious/Santiago Artega. Yeeeeeeeaaaaa VIva Espana! Looks like Julio Iglesias, walks like Julio Iglesias, talks like Julio Iglesias. Writes a bit better. Bob von Buelow (bobv@spike.Jpl.Nasa.Gov) is fat bordering on obese. He has been hated all his life and he tries pathetically to strike back by writing torture stories to the net. Oh, the things men with small penises do to conceal their shame! Murray Chapman (somewhere@au) is a good funky chap, man. And he seldom applies the whiny laughter you just did, when he reads an extremely awful pun. He's more of a caca-man, with a voice that matches. Mr. A.T. (literature) 92. Chris F. Chiesa (xetwnk@shell.portal.com) very much wishes that his adress was more like xtcwank@shit.porcelain.cum, but wish in vain. Making up for this shortcoming, he posts some very good tales to a.t. Jeffrey Dahmer (Columbia Correctional Institute, Portage, Wisconsin 53901, USA) is currently without email access. Wrote some of the better recipes in 1991. Mitch Davis (cscmd@lux.latrobe.edu.au) aka GrossMaster is happy to swill a cup of urine while-U-wait. He claims he will do ANYTHING that is tasteless and not too damaging to the health. Has intimate farm-life experience, and is willing to be photographed and scanned. Bruce Ediger (ediger@teal.csn.org) is a purveyor of the occasional very pleasing article, and the trusted keeper of 'The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex Acts'. The Vatsyayana of alt.tasteless, and a very good kisser. Crunchy Frog (amorgan@Xenon.Stanford.EDU) got a bit quiet after his wife had her tit removed. Huh, Mr. Morgan! Sucks to be you, eh! Fuck you and your family! David Garrett (garrett@math.rice.edu). Look mom, a pig with intelligence. David knows a lot, and is not afraid to share it with us. Never an ill-researched article from his keyboar. John Hollister (bb05246@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu) has admitted to every sin in the book except "over-pricing kiddie porn". Usually relates stories about the filthy homosexual underground resistance. Ken Hovanes/Mr. Pig (khovanes@ingr.com) dislikes newbies who have no respect for alt.tasteless, learn the ropes before you post, or you'll piss him off, not a good idea. Is currently trying to make select alt.tasteless stuff into a book. Victor Ivanoff (IVANOFF@gateway.atd.cra.com.au). Aussie master of grossness, and a tireless defender of a.t. When a.t. is drowning in noise Ivanoff is there to give us signal. Wankers take notice. Vinnie Jordan/One Sick individual/Missing Link/Dirty White Boy (vinniej@sco.COM) was stolen away from a.t by the fascists (sadly not the faecesists). Pops in from time to time. Rauli Lauhanen (cunt@cc.tut.fi). Best handle on the net. In more than one sense. A feverent penis washer. Sean Mcafee (smmcafee@mtu.edu) an a.t. legend. First to elevate Big Shit stories to an art form. First to scan his grogans and post them for all the world to enjoy. A 6'6" tender and sensitive child molester. Lee Melton (u2g84@keele.ac.uk). Spots, shit, pus, sweat...Lee... Caca, piles, snot...Lee?...Vomit, smegma, slobber...Lee! Lee! Lee! Geoff Miller (geoffm@purplehaze.sun.eng.com). It's a bad day in alt.tasteless when Geoff doesn't come by after work with a tasteless piece of humour. He is not married. Figures. Mr. Alt.Tasteless (fact) 91 & 92. Jo Miller (djm8@cornell.edu)...Wow! The most cynic and aggressive bitch ever to stray into alt.tasteless and stay. A confessional poster of sorts. Emperor Ming (ming@cyphyn.radnet.com) does not at all look like Max Von Sydow, although he shares the swedish actors interest in fecal smearing and nipple mutilation. Mark Nesdoly (nesdoly@dvinci.usask.ca), as with Jim T. Park, a pig with peculiar tastes. Chris Pikus (cjp@megatek.com) is sometimes writing about other things than cornholing boars. Funny too. Has been convicted for election fraud in 7 central american (sometimes) republics, and is now conducting the a.t. votes. Mark A. Pitcher (markp@noncomf.tdkcs.waterloo.on.ca) started the animal- mutilating business at a very young age, and has with the coming of age refined it to the extreme. He can do wonders in the way of sexual gratification and pain with an ordinary housecat. Runs the tasteless Darkpark BBS. Ask him about it. Daniel Steven Reinker/Hiz Lord Dementia (dementia@cheshire.oxy.edu) has a brother (Matt "X" Reinker) and an impressive list of achievements in alt.tasteless. When it came to bringing (it) up children Papa Reinker knew what he was doing. Eric A. Schwartz (schwae@marcus.its.rpi.edu) is a professional when it comes to the more technical sides of tastelessness and bestiality, and his opinions are always appreciated. And his cynicism. Steven Snedker (case@diku.dk) wished for something better but never got it. This is sort of reflected in his posts. The James Galway of the toilet and Mr. a.t. (f) 91. Brian Saunders (saunders@luther.che.wisc.edu) will answer all questions regarding heamophilia and man-dog relationsships. Art Taylor (reeses@fab4box.wa.com) insane flamer and writer very much in the know of what's tasteless and what's not. Many could learn at his feet...if they could stand the awful smell. Adam Justin Thornton (adam@owlnet.rice.edu). Old time alt.tastelesser. Claims to have an egg canal instead of a colon. John Hollister (see elsewhere) is very interested. A summer rendez-vous has already been scheduled. Trashcan Man/Constantin Tobio, inflated ego. Please support. Email will do. George Vokalek (gvokalek@aelmg.adelaide.edu.au) G'day mate/sport, down under, Bruce, sheila, CIA infiltrated elections. George is responsible for all this. One of the tough, quality-oriented old-timers. Curtis Yarvin (cgy@cs.brown.edu), John Dawson (jdawson@cs.utexas.edu) and Matthew Somers (chak@cc.purdue.edu). The Big Shit Triplets of a.t. May your bowel movements always be like Beethoven's 9th. |THE MAILORDER LIST As it is now The Church of Divine Tastelessness can offer the following standard tastelesss files: THE ALT.TASTELESS THEME SONG: A joint effort by some of the a.t writers. FREQUENTLY REQUESTED STORIES: The gerbil-and-meat grinder story, Scrotum Self Repair. (ask case@diku.dk to send you Song or Scrotum) KAKA SUTRA -Tasteless Sex Acts (available by mail from bediger@rmnug.org) VOMIT: The canonical list of vomit euphemisms. MAST: The canonical list of masturbation euphemisms. (Ask for them at Sean's: smmcafee@mtu.edu) If you haven't recieved the stuff you ordered within 7 days, it's because email has bounced and nobody gives a shit. |OTHER DOCUMENTS WORTH A LOOK: (all to be found in news.answers as monthly postings...perhaps) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,news.answers Subject: Welcome to talk.bizarre! (Monthly Posting) Summary: o Before posting, read the group for a couple of months. Get to know who is posting and what kind of things are considered funny. o Ask yourself why you want to post. Is it to impress us all with what a red-hot, hip individual you are? If so, you may want to consider moving to another group. | o Remember that about 90% of the stuff on this group is crap, and if your article is not in the top 10% then it is probably crap as well. If you are still convinced that the majority of readers on the group will enjoy your dry and subtle wit, then post. Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers Subject: Answers to Frequently Asked Questions Summary: Shit == Contentless "me too" or "I agree" postings (should have used email). Posts with many lines of attribution and a single word or line added agreeing or disagreeing. [like cascades] Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers Subject: A Primer on How to Work With the Usenet Community Summary: of Things to Remember Never forget that the person on the other side is human Don't blame system admins for their users' behavior Be careful what you say about others Be brief Your postings reflect upon you; be proud of them Use descriptive titles Think about your audience Only post a message once Summarize what you are following up | Use mail, don't post a follow-up Read all follow-ups and don't repeat what has already been said Double-check follow-up newsgroups and distributions. Be careful about copyrights and licenses Cite appropriate references When summarizing, summarize Spelling flames considered harmful Don't overdo signatures Limit line length and avoid control characters Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers Subject: Hints on writing style for Usenet Summary: * Subject lines should be used very carefully. How much time have you wasted reading articles with a misleading subject line? The "Subject:" header line can be edited in all the various posting programs (as can the "Distribution:", "Newsgroups:" and "Followup-To:" header lines). * Remember - this is an international network. * Remember - your current or future employers may be reading your articles. So might your spouse, neighbors, children, and others who will long-remember your gaffes. Newsgroups: soc.motss,news.answers Subject: soc.motss FAQ Summary: 106. What will happen to me if I post in soc.motss? The answer is, in general, nothing. (Lots of people of all orienta- tions read and write to soc.motss, so strictly speaking you're not coming out by posting. Even so, some people will draw conclusions about your sexual orientation from the fact that you post here. However-- Assume that any posting in net news is in the public domain and could end **anywhere**: the general media, a police file, a Fundie's hate list, an entrepeneur's sales contact list, etc. If you can't stand by your posting, then don't post. Well then, end of FAQ, but as this is alt.tasteless and you have bothered to read all the way, you are hereby rewarded with a good tasteless post: These dorks haven't got the point yet. Life is ugly. It is brutal. The weak are killed and eaten. Life is full of filthy old men with weeping cankers, vomiting into wastebaskets in railway stations. Life is one long walk down a pubic toilet where the caked layers of dried phlegm, spit and urine smear the walls. Left to their own devices, people will bend you over and slide you a steaktube just to watch the expression on your face. Alistair T H E C H U R C H O F D I V I N E T A S T E L E S S N E S S