
                The Life Story of a "REAL" Programmer
              -----------------------------------------

REAL PROGRAMMERS don't eat quiche.   They like Coke,  junk-food,
and Chinese food.

REAL PROGRAMMERS don't write application programs.   They program
right  down  on the bare metal.   Application programming is  for
feebs who can't do systems programming.

REAL PROGRAMMERS don't write specs.  Users should be grateful for
whatever they get,  and consider themselves lucky to get anything
at all.

REAL PROGRAMMERS don't comment their code.   If it was  hard  to
write, it should be just as hard to understand and even harder to
modify.

REAL PROGRAMMERS don't write documentation.  Documentation is for
the feeble-minded who can't read listings or the object code from
the dump.

REAL  PROGRAMMERS  don't draw flowcharts.    Flowcharts  are  the
illiterate's  form of documentation.   Cavemen drew flow charts -
look how much good it did for them.

REAL PROGRAMMERS don't read manuals.   Reliance on a reference is
the hallmark of the novice and the coward.

REAL PROGRAMMERS  don't write in RPG.    RPG is  for  gum-chewing
dimwits  who  aren't  smart enough to learn  a  REAL  programming
language.

REAL PROGRAMMERS  don't write in COBOL.    COBOL  is  for  COmmon
BOzo  Laymen  who can't run a business nor  write a  real program.

REAL PROGRAMMERS don't write in FORTRAN.   FORTRAN is  for  wimpy
engineers   who  wear white socks and plastic pocket  protectors.
They  get excited over  fourier transformations and finite  state
analysis.  If God had meant for us to use FORTRAN,  he would have
included pointers in the language.

REAL  PROGRAMMERS  don't write in PL/I.    PL/I is  for  insecure
anal retentives who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.

REAL PROGRAMMERS don't write in BASIC.   Actually, no programmers
write in BASIC after reaching puberty.

REAL  PROGRAMMERS don't write in APL unless the whole program can
be written on one line.

REAL PROGRAMMERS  don't write in  LISP.    Only  faggot  programs
contain more parentheses than actual code.

REAL PROGRAMMERS don't write in PASCAL,  BLISS, ADA, or any other
sissy  pinko computer  science languages.    Strong typing  is  a
crutch for fools with weak minds.

REAL PROGRAMMERS' programs never work right the first time.   But
they can always be hacked into some semblance of working order in
only a few 30-hour debugging sessions.

REAL  PROGRAMMERS  never work 9 to 5.  If a  REAL  PROGRAMMER  is
around at 9 AM, it's because he was there all night.

REAL PROGRAMMERS don't play tennis,   or any  other  sport  which
requires a change of clothes.   Mountain climbing is OK, and Real
Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should
suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

REAL PROGRAMMERS  disdain  structured  programming.    Structured
programming  is  for  compulsive neurotics who  were  prematurely
toilet-trained.   They wear neckties and carefully line up  sharp
pencils in a neat row on an otherwise uncluttered desk.

REAL  PROGRAMMERS   dislike   the   Team   Programming   concept,
unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.

REAL  PROGRAMMERS  never write memos or letters  on  paper.  They
either send electronic mail, or don't send anything at all.

REAL PROGRAMMERS have no use for managers.  Managers are a neces-
sary  evil.   They exist only to deal with personnel bozos,  bean
counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.

REAL PROGRAMMERS scorn floating point arithmetic.   The  decimnal
point  was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think
big".

REAL PROGRAMMERS don't believe in schedules.   Planners make  up
schedules.   Managers  "firm up"  schedules.   Frightened  coders
strive to meet schedules.  REAL PROGRAMMERS ignore schedules.

REAL PROGRAMMERS like vending-machine popcorn.   Coders pop it in
the  microwave oven.   REAL PROGRAMMERS use the heat given off by
the CPU.   They can tell which jobs are running just by listening
to the rate of popping.

REAL  PROGRAMMERS know every nuance of every instruction and  use
them all in every Real Program.   Candyass architects won't allow
Execute  instructions  to address another Execute as  the  target
instruction.  REAL PROGRAMMERS despise petty restrictions.

REAL PROGRAMMERS don't bring brown-bag lunches.   If the  vending
machine  sells it,  they eat it.   If the vending machine doesn't
sell it, they don't eat it.  Vending machines don't sell quiche.
