=========== PORNOGRAPHY =========== Buy some really sleazy skin magazines -- ones featuring kiddie porn, animals, etc. Use an IBM typewriter and some pressure-sensitive mailing labels to prepare phony address labels in your mark's name. Place them on the porno magazines. You can start by leaving a few magazines in doctors' or dentists' waiting rooms, Sunday-school reading rooms, and the periodical shelves of your local library. The public will think your mark is passing along his used literature. You might also get some paste-over copyright stickers printed with your mark's name and address. Buy some raunchy porno, put the stickers in somewhere on the title area, then take the goods to local grade school and junior high school areas and sell them to the children. Do this only once. If you do get caught, swear the mark paid you to distribute his pornography. This tactic is best used against bluenose censors and others who would impose their own personal beliefs upon you under penalty of law. According to civil libertarian Townsend McFerrick, this piece of counter-propaganda is almost always effective against the personal outrages of puritanical dictators. ============== POSTAL SERVICE ============== M.J. Banks once sent her mother a Bible via the U.S. Postal Service. By the time it arrived, seven of the Ten Commandments were broken. If you like your mail deliverer but dislike the U.S. Postal Service, Loren Eugene Sturgis has good news for you. He feels that ordinary citizens are already subsidizing the big corporations and their junk-mail advertising. He fights junk mail, which we'll get to in a moment. But, here is one of Loren's ways of cutting down on your own personal postal overhead. Use Elmer's glue to coat the surfaces of stamps. This substance defeats the cancellation imprint enough that when you soak the stamp in lukewark water, both the Elmer's and the cancellation ink come right off. Then you reglue the back of the stamp and use it again and again and again. This is a real money-saver for those who use a lot of postage, Loren points out. Your local postmaster would also point out how illegal this stunt is. Whom would you rather believe? Rufus and Ruthie Luv are true rebels. Ruf used to work for the postal service, and he claims that automatic sorting machines really can't tell stamp denominations. For example, he said letters do go through with Easter Seals in place of stamps. He also suggests placing your stamp in the lower right corner. That way, the automatic canceling device will miss it and someone can reuse the stamp. The U.S. Postal Service also furnishes you with games you can play with your mark. If you've ever moved, you know how happy USPS is to give you change-of-address cards. OK, you get such card and change your mark's address. It would be good if you had his mail sent to another state. Don't get exotic, though; keep it simple. Use a larger city, like Los Angeles, since this increases the likelihood of further screw-ups as the mark attempts to straighten out the mess when he discovers his mail is no longer arriving. You can double the trouble by changing both home and business addresses. Stop a few moments and think how fouled up your own life would be if your mail was suddenly diverted and possibly lost. It's just a thought.... ================ THE POWER CARTEL ================ When Metropolitan Edison had to raise money shortly after being embarrassed by its nuclear tinker toy at Three Mile Island in Pennsylvania, the premier psychic semiologist Doctor John McManmon joked that they offered to sell used matches as an alternative power source. In a far more deadly vein, Eddie Gast doesn't regard the giant utility companies as public services. He sees them as powerful monopilies who buy legislators, judges, and commission officials as human investments toward larger profits for the big stockholers. "They don't deserve mere dirty tricks," says Gast. "Out-and-out sabotage is all they understand. The ecotage raiders had the answers -- cut power lines and blow up towers." Gast also advocates shooting insulators, trashing vehicles and other power-company equipment, and terrorizing their service workers. "I also show people how to doctor their home meters to cut way back on the amount of money paid for electricty. Anyone can learn how -- a guy even has a book out on it [John Williams, STOPPING POWER METERS, available from Loompanics]. Do unto them before they do unto you, I say." Asked if this doesn't inconvenience and even hurt innocent people, Gast says it does, but they must learn who the enemy really is. Other tricksters are less radical. Osborn Milteer suggests that most of the tricks pulled on the telephone and oil companies will work as well on the power giants. "Leave the small rural co-ops alone, though," says Milteer. Surprisingly, Gast agrees, adding, "The rural co-ops are the way things should work. The people really do own them. I want to destroy the mammoth corporations -- the monopolies who own nuclear plants and oil companies and act as if they own our government, too." For example, J.W. Burke, Jr., writes from Virginia to explain the monopoly between the State Corporation Commission and the VEPCO (the Virginia Power Company). He explains that in the middle of May 1979 VEPCO filed for a rate increase of nine million dollars citing financial losses caused by the temporary shutdown of two nuclear units by the federal government. They had already just had a huge increase in March. Without a whimper, the Virginia "regulatory" agency gave in. According to Burke, that's not the end. Less than a week after getting the nine million, the VEPCO powers came around asking for an additional nine million. A mite upset, Burke exploded, "They [VEPCO] don't give a shit about public relations, and they don't need to, because the newspapers here won't even squeak about this. VEPCO also has the State Corporation Commission in their pocket. "It's worth noting that the SCC has never turned down a VEPCO rate-increase request. We have a lot of getting even to do here in the Old Dominion." The power cartel is as vunerable to the same getting-even tricks as are deserving institutions and persons mentioned in other sections of this book. ======= PRINTER ======= You've noticed that a friendly, trustworthy, and perhaps devious printer has been your staunch associate in so many tricks. A printer can be your best friend, and having access to one or more totally trusted printers is an absolute must for a trickster. There is an old axiom about the printing business that goes, "We don't read the writing; we just set the type." Don't trust it. Instead, trust a friendly printer you know. Often it is easy to find a printer who thinks as you do. If not, your best bet is among large printshops in other cities. Although this is risky, many really don't censor your jobs. But you're better off to cultivate your own good offset printer. Unless your printer is also a good graphic artist, don't rely on him or her for such services as double printing, counterfeiting official documents, retouching, or sophisticated design work. That works calls for a person who has the specific skills and knowledge to handle it. I might add that those skills are not all that tough to pick up. Speaking from experience, a solid background in advertising and publications work will give you the specific knowledge and skills. ========= RAILROADS ========= If a railroad line has been nasty to you and you want to get back, you are welcome to follow "Bart's" advice. A fan of Edward Abbey, "Bart" offers you the following from his trickster's arsenal. Set the manual brakes on railroad cars; this will cause a great deal of delay in checking and rechecking, which ties up people, time, and money. You can visit the railyard areas on cold, cold nights in winter and pour lots of water on the switch points. This freezes the switches, making them inoperable. ==== RATS ==== Here's one where the price just has to be about right. You invest a few dollars in some Norwegian rats -- the big, dirty, mean ones. The idea is to get males and females. Put them in some well-screened rabbit hutches. Feed them on garbage and swampweeds. These rodents are cheap to keep, and they multiply quickly, and they make people really unhappy. Ask a New Yorker about the Rat Raids of summer 1979! I am sure the imaginations of many readers have already figured out creative things to do with all those rats. Good old Willard, revisited! ======== RELIGION ======== If your mark is a religious sort, you could follow the advice of Lee H. Blakely, who suggests printing up phony leterheads using your mark's name, address, and telephone number under the imprinteur of a group such as Atheists for a Stronger America or Nonbelievers Against God or Gays Against God. Blakely continues, "You then mail really bitchy letters to local TV stations demanding equal time to make up for 'Sunrise Sermonette.' You also write letters to local newspapers. Sometimes, smaller newspapers don't verify letters that come in on letterheads and are typed well." From one of my regular religious correspondents, the Reverend Fleisher McGeary, I learned that hooligans have been carrying on near his parish in Packer, Alabama. It seems their trick is to call or visit one of the local whacko religious sects -- the goofier and more Holy Roller the better -- and ask them to come meditate with "you" and your family. Of course, you give them the name and address of your mark. Another variant is to suggest that the holy folks roll in during the mark's office hours and save the staff. Getting the fix set up here requires a great acting job, lots of sincerely pious rhetoric, and all that glop. But according to McGeary, it works. If the mark is not well-known in his/her neighborhood, you can call, using the mark's name, and say you would like to come talk with the neighbor about communism, gay rights, gun control, interracial sex relations, or free drugs. The idea here is to be as obnoxious as possible about the issues. Say that your mark represents his/her local church. If the mark is a Grand Liberal, you can use the same tactic, but turn the topics around -- support for the death penalty for most any crime, even tougher antidrug laws, outlawing abortion, and making the ERA illegal. =========== RESTAURANTS =========== It used to be annoying when a waitess accidentally stuck her thumb in your soup while serving you lunch. That was before topless waitresses, however. Suppose you're really fried with a local eatery for charging you for terrible food time after time, and are ready to wash your hands of the whole place. Try silver nitrate instead. If you can introduce a bit of that chemical into the soap dispenser in the restaurant washroom, you will have customers and employees furious with the restaurant. Silver nitrate will leave their hands and faces unwashably stained to an ugly, erratic brown color. It does not come off easily. Harry Katz, a prominent Pennsylvania socialite, frequents many posh dining establishments in the company of equally ritzy jet setters. He insists that this scam is only a practical joke, which may be correct. However, with a bit of malice aforethought, someone could easily create a nasty version. Harry carries with him a supply of elegantly printed cards. He spots someone he wishes to hassle and bribes a waiter to carry one of the cards over to the mark. The card reads, "The management requests that you and your party leave immediately before we have to call the authorities." Of course, we don't always have to be so sophisticated. If there are entire groups of people you don't like, you can always eat in restaurants frequented by such people and put salt into the sugar dispensers or unscrew the tops of the salt and pepper shakers, so that the next diner gets a plate full of seasoning. Of course, such stunts are perilously close to April Fool amateurism, but they do have some minor harassment value. If you had a friend who would take care of the tab, you'd take that friend out to dinner, right? In some swanky and excellent eatery, order your finest repast. Treat yourself to the best. About halfway through your meal, you introduce that friend who's going to take care of your tab. Your friend is a dead cockroach that you brought in with you, carried carefully in your jacket pocket. Place your late friend amid some food on your plate and then turn on your theatrics. Make a noisy fuss and express concern about your health and the restaurant's cleanliness standards, and mutter about your lawyer filing an action. After this, let the management talk you into a free meal or two and some drinks. This next trick will cost a few bucks, but if you consider it as a perverted investment, the return will be worth many times the outlay. For example, a small display ad could be run in either a campus newspaper or one of the small local newspapers or shoppers. Pick one that isn't too professional, since they are less likely to check the veracity of the ad. The ad promises some fantastic dinner bargain, such as a steak dinner for two at half price, when the clipped ad is presented between 6 and 7 o' clock that night. Or promise an All You Can Eat Special of roast steamship round of beef for three dollars, with all the trimmings, also with the clippped ad. Use the logo of the restaurant with which you are feuding in the ad. Check their regular ads so your layout looks authentic. Take it in and tell them you're the new assistant who handles advertising. Just don't spend too much time talking or getting remembered. Be prepared to pay cash if necessary. Between 6 and 7 P.M. your mark will literally have his restaurant crammed with very hungry and soon-to-be-very-unhappy customers. By 8 P.M. the owner could have a whole lot of ex-customers and an undeserved bad reputation that will be hard to oevercome. Or the owner may decide to go along with the "promise," which will cost her/him a lot of bucks. Finally, there will be an unpleasant scene with the newspaper. This scam will also work with local radio stations. Note, too, that this scam can be turned so that the mark is the newspaper or radio station. ================ RICHARD M. NIXON ================ Richard Nixon has all the charm and warmth of an obscene Christmas card. Let's remember him always. For instance, whenever you are asked for your Social Security number for no good purpose to you, and when giving a false one will not harm you, give them Richard Nixon's number. It's the least we can do for all that he did to us. Richard M. Nixon's Social Security number is 567-68-0515. ============= RUBBER STAMPS ============= A stock of "official" rubber stamps is an important part of documenting authentication. A good sampling of what you need and what is available may be found in THE NEW PAPER TRIP, a valuable reference book for the dirty trickster. Most office-supply stores and many mail-order outfits sell just about any rubber stamp you need. You will need rubber stamps. ======== SECURITY ======== Mort Sahl once pointed out that people who were afraid of ideas and thinking would label him an outlaw. Yet, Sahl, who has a hell of a lot more understanding and conscience than many people have brains, says he thinks of himself as a moral sheriff. I think we can tie into that. Any person concerned with security needs a supply of chains, locks, cables, and glues. Sometimes you need to protect your mark. That might mean chaining his/her car to the bumper of another car at a party, in a parking lot, or on the street. A good padlock completes the picture, and by the time you get some expert there to release things, everyone is unhappy. If your mark is the obvious target, then all the victims are unhappy with him/her, too. Locks, chains, and cables are great for closing lanes and driveways, sealing vehicles in or out. They can keep people in offices, homes, apartments, or even buildings. They can fasten objects to other objects. The horizon of your own ideas is not yet even in sight. =========== SLEEPY TIME =========== If you want your mark to sleep for a bit you should know that the fabled Mickey Finn, knockout drops of grade-B-film fame, is a very real item that you can incorporate into your dirty tricks. The mysterious liquid is simply chloral hydrate. Although it is no longer in general use as a sedative, it is still available. In addition, you can easily find the formula to produce your own version. It's a bitter substance, so mix one gram with several dissolved saccharine tablets before serving. Most experts also suggest that you use the chloral hydrate in connection with booze -- a very potent combination. Another sleepy-time mixture is one capsule of Seconal mixed in with the marks beer. But as Doctor Christopher Garwood Doyle cautions, use only one capsule and never use this drug with someone who is really loaded or otherwise medically messed up. Seconal is a powerful downer and can be deadly. Other than that, according to Doyle, you take one capsule of Seconal, the hundred-milligram size, and empty it into a glass of beer. Stir gently and serve to the mark. Sleep will take him away in about fifteen minutes. Sweet dreams. ========== SLINGSHOTS ========== Slingshots are useful tools for the dirty trickster. The modern ones are as different from the forked-limb-and-inner-tube variety of your youth as a Daisy BB gun is from a Taser. They aren't even called slingshots any more. The technocrats have renamed them hand catapults. I bet Goliath is turning over in his grave. Any good sporting-goods store can outfit you with the proper nylon-and-steel Hand Catapult to carry on your missions. If you'd prefer to deal through the mail, write to Wham-O, Box 4, San Gabriel, California 91778. If you want a giant assault model, there's one available, according to Mike Hoy of Loompanics. Mike reports that an outfit known as Information Unlimited, Milford, New Hampshire 03055, sells plans for a "giant slingshot," which is five feet tall and anchored into the ground. I recall some of the boys in my old neighborhood using an improvised version of the giant slingshot to propel large fruits and vegetables against the home of the neighborhood grouch. They used the fork of a walnut tree and an entire inner tube. A winch drew back the pouch, which could load several cantaloupes, pieces of watermelon, a half dozen tomatoes, or combinations of the above. Effective hits were scored at about 75 yards, as I recall. Perhaps this technique could be put to modern use by means of a mobile weapon. ======== STICKERS ======== John Hansen of Boulder, Colorado, takes a more passive but no less creative approach in his revenge. "Vexed by poor service in restaurants, vending machines, and other devices or institutions that take your money and don't deliver the promised services?" Hansen asks. His response is called Creative Revenge. He has had permastick slogans printed to slap on an offender's premises or equipment. For example, if a vending machine fails to deliver, Hansen slaps it with a sticker reading, THIS MACHINE STEALS MONEY. For restaurants, Hansen has stickers that read, HORRIBLE FOOD, or LOUSY SERVICE. The stickers can be placed on the table or counter, or on the windows and doors of the establishment. His other stickers include THIS MOVIE RATED BLAH for questionable cinematic efforts, MY TAXES PAID FOR THIS? to be placed on examples of government or public foolishness, FILTHY RESTROOMS, for either food-service or gasoline stations, and INEPT NERD for offending civil servants or irritating store clerks. For the simpleminded who park supidly in one or more spaces, Hansen tags their vehicles with WAY TO PARK, ACE. He has a bunch of NO MORE JUNK MAIL -- RETURN TO SENDER stickers to affix to people's mailboxes. Enraged by the oil companies, John Hansen printed a new sticker for the first time in mid-1979 -- PRICE GOUGER -- which adorns hundreds of service-station gasoline pumps. In many cases, equally irritated station owners are not removing the stickers. Hansen has a huge variety of stickers, including examples such as RIPOFF; PAID UNDER PROTEST; YES I MIND, DON'T SMOKE; RUDE DRIVER; GAS HOG; and an entire selection of adult stickers that feature hilariously nasty slogans whose R rating places them out of Family Hour. I have used Hansen's stickers, and they are wonderful. For a worthwhile sample kit, send $1 to Consumer Comments, Box 175, Niwot, Colorado 80544. Downloaded From P-80 Systems 304-744-2253 Downloaded From P-80 International Information Systems 304-744-2253