_______________________________________________________________________________ _ _ _ _ ((___)) ((___)) [ x x ] cDc communications [ x x ] \ / presents... \ / (` ') (` ') (U) (U) SCARFING by Suicidal Amoeba >>> A CULT Publication......1988 <<< -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- _______________________________________________________________________________ INTRODUCTION TO SCARFING ------------ -- -------- scarf: v.(scarf-scarfium(LA)) 1. to eat scarfer: n. 1. one who is learned in the art of scarfing scarfable: n. 1. an object of food HOW TO (general) --- -- --------- START: Go to the kitchen and look around.. Find spagettios, pop tarts, ice cream, picante sauce, soup, or any other type of food. Throw it all together in a bowl. Stir it around. Put it in the microwave if necessary. Turn on the TV. Be a couch potato. Eat. Enjoy. HOW TO (specific) --- -- ---------- Spagettios ---------- excellent beginning scarfable (see recipe section for more details) Ice Cream --- ----- Excellent for scarfing. The best way to go about this is get a really big bowl, fill it about 3/4 full of ice cream. Put the ice cream away. Look through the cabinets for anything that looks good: lemon pepper, ketchup, relish, salad dressing, spagettios, chocolate sauce, chocolate chips, coconut, picante sauce, crushed oreos, cat food, bologna, jello mix, whipped cream, anything at all. Put it all in the bowl. Put the bowl in the microwave for about 23 seconds. Stir this all around. Scarf. Pop Tarts --- ----- Open box of pop tarts. Scarf. The pop tarts with frosting are recommended. Hot Dogs --- ---- Good. Develops into more advanced scarfing. Finer points of scarfing hot dogs include salad dressing, ketchup, relish, picante sauce, and mayo all at the same time on one hot dog....the difficult part that makes this advanced scarfing is to eat this while not losing any of the sauce. Microwave Pizza --------- ----- Quite good, for added excitement while scarfing look in the refrigerator and put extra cheese on pizza.. or whatever....ketchup, salad dressing, etc. Soup ---- The kind that comes in the plastic wrappers for about 5/$1 is recommended. Buy some bullion also. Cook with bullion & picante sauce...also anything else you can find....oreos, spagettios, etc... Pudding ------- Beginning scarfable. Mix up mix, add whatever. Extremely simple RECIPES ------- This is a typical scarfers recipe: SPAGETTIOS Need: 1 Can Spagettios 1 Microwave 1 Microwave safe bowl 1 Can Opener 1 Spoon Directions: Use can opener to open can of spagettios. Pour entire contents of can into microwave safe bowl. Put microwave safe bowl into microwave safely. Put microwave on 3 minutes 14 seconds. When microwave dings take microwave safe bowl out of the microwave safely. Take the lid off the microwave safe bowl. Stick finger in the middle of the spagettios. If your finger is burned than the spagettios are done. If you finger doesn't get burned, then the spagettios aren't done so put the microwave safe bowl back into the microwave for 32 seconds. Check the spagettios again. After you determine that the spagettios are done, stick a spoon in the spagettios and scarf. QUIZ ---- Hopefully, after reading this, you are at least beginning to understand scarfing. Now here's your chance to see how you measure up... 1) Would a scarfer eat lasagna? a) yes, at a fancy restraunt in a tux b) yes, if it was microwaved and he was watching TV c) yes, if it was either that or spagettios & ice cream d) no 2) Can a scarfer be a vegetarian? a) yes, hot dogs are gross b) yes, as long as he eats extra spagettios to make up for the hot dogs c) yes, what does that have to do with food? d) no 3) What goes well with ice cream? a) bananas and cherries b) anything c) anything except pizza d) ice cream is fattening 4) Does a scarfer have cable TV? a) yes, especially the Disney Channel b) maybe, if he has enought money left from going to the grocery store c) maybe, if his mom will let him d) no, cable is bad for your eyes 5) Does a scarfer have a problem eating? a) yes, it's to messy b) yes, there's two hands but only one mouth c) yes, anorexa nervousa d) no 6) Are there poseur/poser scarfers? a) poseur? b) yes c) scarfer? d) no 7) Does a scarfer like school? a) no, it's boring b) no, they don't serve spagettios in the cafeteria c) no, it's not long enough d) yes 8) Does a scarfer care about nutrition? a) yes, it is very important b) yes, a scarfer makes sure he gets plenty of helpings from each of the four food groups c) yes, mom makes him d) no ------------------------------------- There you have the questions... Now... Here's how to score yourself: For each answer "B" give yourself 5 points and go get something to eat For each answer "A" or "C" think about eating something For each answer "D" subtract 50 points and slap yourself. If your score is: 40- 100 Go back and re-add your score.... 0- 40 Pretty good... You shouldn't be too hungry. You are a scarfer. -99- 0 Reread this file... Go to the kitchen and throw everything in one bowl and eat it.. Take the quiz again. -400--100 Forget it ------------------------------------- --MISCELLANEOUS END-OF-FILE BS This file was brought to you by Suicidal Amoeba with help from David Letterman, Eddie Van Halen, and Steve Martin. Not Very Produced by Metallica This file is official property of the Cult of The Dead Cow, and should be respected as such. HA! All rights reserved... (This includes your right to freedom of the press so go ahead and press this anywhere you want.) Ronald Reagan says "Moooo....." 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