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April/1994 Issue: 14
The DAX Meeting - Loxsmith
[editors comments in brackets]
Introduction
This text file is not meant to be funny or humorous. It is simply an actual
recount of what happened at the first Dementia Access meeting in Lowell
Massachusetts on March 27, 1994. Although, not as big as H0H0Con, or even
a 2600 meeting, it was still a very eventful evening that all of the
attendees have been questioned about. Instead of taking hours to explain
everything that happened, we have decided to create this text file. I have
chosen myself to write it. However, we all have contributed much to the
production of this file. Everything here is true.
March 27, 1994 12:00 PM Loxsmith's House, New Bedford, Massachusetts
I am sitting in front of my window, anxiously awaiting the arrival of Erik
Turbo. The first ever Dementia Access (DAX) gathering will begin in about
five hours. We agreed to meet Culture Jammer at 2:00 pm in Lowell, and then
meet Absolute Angel and Warfair.
Erik Turbo and I live in a far off part of the 5o8 area code, approximately
two hours away from where the meeting will be held. Bender will be attending
the meeting with us, so he will be riding with Erik also.
March 27, 1994 12:10 PM Loxsmith's House
Erik hasn't shown up yet. The Sage calls me voice in need of secure, rad
IRC sites. After fifteen minutes of talking about what the DAX meeting will
be like, I wish him to stay free, as we part.
March 27, 1994 12:25 PM Loxsmith's House
I hear a car burn its tires as it turns into my street. I then hear a
prolonged horn (beeping) sound. I cover my body in my black trench coat,
and run outside. Erik Turbo's Mazda stands before me, and I begin to hear
the hollering of Geddy Lee as I approach it.
[A Mazda GLC, to be exact.]
March 27, 1994 1:00 PM The Highway
Bender, Erik Turbo, and I race to the DAX meeting in Erik's sedan at over
110 mph. We encounter an agressive driver who flips us off and passes us
at 120 mph. The race is on. For the next 45 minutes, we race this guy down
495 North, gaining speeds of over 140 mph. No one ever gives any ground.
A back and forth race up until the very end. We had the advantage, for this
is not the first time Erik had been in such a race. Our opponent was willing
to break the law to win. Fortunately, we were also. After being cut off
half a dozen times by this speed racer spoof, we decided to utilize the break
down lane. This would prove to be our undoing, as we were unable to get back
into the traffic lanes quickly. He eventually took off, and never looked
back at us.
[First of all, he didn't beat me. We won. And second of all, it wasn't
140mph. Maybe 110mph, but Mazda GLC's can not go 140mph.]
March 27, 1994 2:00 PM Chuck E. Cheese, Lowell, Massachusetts
Culture Jammer gets back from the eye doctors and gets dropped off by
Chuck E. Cheese. Little does he know, that he will have quite a wait
ahead of him.
March 27, 1994 2:00 PM The Highway
Meanwhile, Erik Turbo, Bender, and I race down 495 North, searching for the
elusive "Lowell Connector". We end up passing it, and speeding into a small
happy-go-lucky town called "Billericca". If you don't like street signs,
live in Billericca, because they have none. After wandering around aimlessly
for about a half hour, we finally decide to call Absolute Angel to reaffirm
our directions.
March 27, 1994 3:00 PM Chuck E. Cheese
Erik Turbo, Bender, and I spot a guy who looks to be in his preteens in a
black trench coat, carrying a fifty five pound bag. Must be Culture Jammer.
Culture Jammer is not pissed, as we expect him to be. Instead he opens us
with open arms. (Unfortunately, he couldn't get us into Chuck E. Cheese's
like he said he would.) We end up going to Micky D's, chowing down on some
French Fries, sodas, and burgers, and discussing the latest, most critical
world events, such as Stallman's new version of EMACS, and the new shadow
security implemented on Umass Lowell.
March 27, 1994 3:30 PM Absolute Angel's House
Erik Turbo, Bender, Culture Jammer, and I go to Absolute Angel's house to
pick him up. For the first time, Erik Turbo, and Absolute Angel meet.
Warfair and Absolute Angel journey to Concord to pick up Fizban. The rest
of us end up going to Chuck E. Cheese's and attempting to get in.
March 27, 1994 3:40 PM Chuck E. Cheese
Bender, Erik Turbo, Culture Jammer, and myself enter Chuck E. Cheese's, and
the smell of the rotten pizza and the sight of the delinquent, ingreatful
juvenilles was enough to make us all smile. The Chuck E. Cheese employee
girl approaches me and says "Hi, do you have any children with you?" Bender
softly mutters, "not unless you count CJ."
As three other hackers and I begin to walk faster, we begin to realize that
we don't have a table. Culture Jammer reapproaches the Chuck E. Cheese
employee girl and asks "Excuse me... Can you please get us a table?" She
replies with, "I am sorry, but unless you are here for a party, or have any
children with you, I am not authorized to do so." Culture Jammer rebuts,
"Well, I am a kiddie, and that guy over there is my dad." (points to Erik
Turbo). The girl giggles, "Yeah, whatever. Please leave, or I will have to
get the manager." Culture Jammer, a little bit pissed off hollers, "Get
your fucking manager." The manager, standing almost directly behind CJ,
comes to his calling and asks us to leave.
March 27, 1994 4:55 PM Chuck E. Cheese
After being thrown out of Chuck E. Cheese's, we wait outside for Absolute,
Warfair, and Fizban to arrive. It isn't until they pull up that Warfair
realizes that he has to work. Warfair departs. After we brief Absolute
Angel about the situation with the manager in Chuck E. Cheese, he calmly
dismisses our worries, and tells us, "Don't worry about it. I've dated
girls that work here." We confidentally walk into the children's pizza
franchise behind Abs, and Abs walks straight up to one of the girls working
there. They seem to be friendly with each other. If not, at the least they
appear to be having a friendly conversation. Our confidence is crushed
when she finally proclaims, "You are not supposed to be here." Abs begins
to walk out, and like the mindless followers we are, we stick behind him.
Culture Jammer stays back, and after we get outside, we peek through the
window to see him on his knees begging the manager for something. He gets
to his feet and leaves. His first words to us after he comes out, are "I
got us a table, G'z!" Only one problem - we will have to wait for a half
hour.
March 27, 1994 5:00 PM Chuck E. Cheese
We fail to find anything con[de]structive to do, and we are all beginning
to get bored. Spota, Piz Zart, Krazi Horz and Hellian (with a friend who
doesn't have a name) arrive. We all introduce ourselves. Collectively,
we all look like a large heavy metal band. After aimlessly talking to each
other for fifteen minutes, Spota, Piz, and Krazi decide to try to talk to the
people in Chuck E. Cheese about giving us our tables a bit quicker. They
are thrown out after a five minute long bitter argument, and it now appears
that we have lost our table.
March 27, 1994 5:30 PM McDonald's
We decide to move elsewhere, with elsewhere being McDonald's. We have two
cars, and twelve hackers. Spota, Piz, and Krazi took one car; the rest of
us try to cram into erikt's (the "T" is now for Taxi) Mazda Sedan. It
is truly amazing. Four adult seating capacity, my ass. We zipped ourselves
up pretty well. Absolute Angel ended up sitting on his head, while the rest
of us ended up sitting on each other.
After arriving at McDonald's, Spota breaks out the laptop, Abs pulls out
the Telco manuals, CJ pulls out the equipment, and Hellian pulls off the
head of a happy-meal toy. Someone brought a guide to answering machines.
It was elite. Some very nice reading materials were being passed around,
as we discussed many things that hackers don't these days - the foremost
thing being hacking. I don't like to bash 2600 meetings, but I must. The
information that is exchanged at a DAX meeting is far greater than all of
the info ever exchanged at any 2600 that I have ever attended put together.
I once stated on IRC that 2600 meetings are social gatherings for antisocial
people. Well, DAX meetings are antisocial gatherings for antisocial people.
That, in my opinion, is how it should be. But then again, that is just me.
I take this shit way too seriously.
March 27, 1994 6:15 PM McDonald's
Our first contact with a fed! Some old fat guy with a bald spot on his
head begins to ask questions about Spota's computer. He asks where we got
it, how much it costed, and what the serial number on it was. After laughing
at this fool, Spota tells him it costed $1,200. The old man, in a grotesque
stutter tells us he can get us it cheaper. We laugh again. We ignore him
for a few minutes, then he begins to ask us about other equipment. Absolute
Angel bolts up out of his chair with a telco document. He sits at the old
man's table and begins to show him pictures. The whole time we are all
laughing uncontrollably. As Absolute begins to mock him, the old man gets
up and tells us that *he* didn't get a telco document after Abs told him he
got it in the mail... Oh well, "some people never get it." After laughing
at this man as he left the building, we amused ourselves with Happy Meals.
Just as this happens, Radeyes shows up. To this day, I still don't know how
he found out that we were meeting at Micky D's, and not Chuck E. Cheese.
March 27, 1994 7:20 PM McDonald's
We are all basically done with the core of the meeting. Spota, Piz, and
Krazi have to get home. We leave McDonald's, and again, eight hackers attempt
to cram into Erik Turbo's car. Our target will be Barnes and Noble's, a
bookstore about fifteen minutes away. We are not very comfortable. Erik
Turbo stops the car. We all begin to feel tremendous pain. He stops at a
gas station. Thinking he is going to get gas, we see him come back to the
car with a box of Cigarettes. Barnes and Noble's was very profitable for
Erik Turbo. To what extent, I won't discuss here, but I will say that he
got his money's worth, and he didn't even have to spend any money. (You
figure it out.)
March 27, 1994 8:00 PM Chuck E. Cheese
After we hit B&N's, Erik Turbo's car is given a name. "gzip". That is
what we all felt like - a compressed archive. We now have to go back to
the Chuck E. Cheese parking lot (where New England Telephone is also located)
and drop off Hellian and his unnamed pal. We intend to trash immediately
following this. I guess it all would have gone fine, but we're assholes.
Instead, we decide to procrastinate and go to Chuck E. Cheese again. Maybe
play some Air Hockey, get some pizza, whatever. We walk in, we exchange
dollars for tokens, and the mouse starts Culture Jammer and Absolute in a
game of Air Hockey. A very competitive game up until the very end, when
Absolute Angel suprisingly bounces the puq off of the sides of the table
8 times and scores. Erik Turbo, about to piss a river, confronts an employee
at Chuck E. Cheese's and asks if he can use their restroom. Of course, the
employee comes back with a smarmy remark like, "You need to purchase something
to use the restrooms." Of course, Erik Turbo wasn't about to induce himself
in a game of skee ball. Now, anyone who knows business law, and customer
rights should know that what was done was against the law. At least in the
state of Massachusetts. "All resturaunts in which a customer has the option
of consuming food therin, are required to be kept sanitary restrooms available
to the general public throughout their operation hours." (Massachusetts
State Law 99-4a; Consumer Franchises) It is about this time the manager
approaches us.
Talk about an asshole. Here we are, willing customers, in an almost barren
pizza resturuant, spending money, and this guy has the nerve to approach us
and ask us to leave. Culture Jammer is probably a little bit more pissed
than the rest of us, as he seems to take charge.
CJ:
"We weren't smoking cigs, bothering the kiddies, drinking up, toking around,
loitering, emitting bodily fluids... we were simply having a good time at
Chuck's."
Manager:
"Yes, but I am asking you to leave."
CJ:
"But the mouse liked us. He even gave us the tokens and started this game.
What about my tokens? I am doing business with you in a proper manner."
Manager:
"Your tokens will be refunded. Please leave. You guys were in here before,
and what you fail to understand is that this establishment is meant for
parents and children."
CJ:
"Well, I see. You are discriminating against us because of our age. So
ever-typical of people, when they see a few long-haired teenagers to assume
the worst."
Manager:
"I am not discriminating against anyone. Come back here with you mother or
father, and I won't have a problem."
CJ:
"OK. I will do that. I will bring my father... and I guess my father will
have to bring his mother, who is my grandmother... because, heaven knows what
will happen if my father doesn't have a parent too... and I guess my grand
mother will have to bring her parents, who are dead, but they'll have to
come anyway."
Manager:
"Look, I really don't care. I am asking you to leave once more..."
Erik Turbo:
"One question, can I please use the restroom?"
Manager:
"No. Leave."
Erik Turbo:
"Wait, isn't this a public place?"
Manager:
"No, this is a business. This is my business, and if I don't want you here,
I have the right to ask you to leave."
Erik Turbo shakes his head.
Loxsmith:
"Wrong. This is a franchise that you happen to run a subdivision of. The
business that you run is public domain. If it isn't, then I demand that you
show me your tax forms, and then we shall see if you filed as a private
sector corporation or business."
Manager:
"I am not going to argue with you. Do you want to exchange your tokens?"
CJ:
"Nah. I'll be back. Yeah, I'll be back here."
We leave, and as we are doing so, Absolute clams on the window, and I
begin to mutter insane rantings such as "Chuck E. Cheese's is going down.
These people have fucked with the wrong hacker. I am finding these dialups,
and they are going down." Obviously, the manager is observing all of this,
and comes outside in typical poindexter fashion, with a clipboard and pencil.
He copies down Erik Turbo's license plate number, and eyes us until we leave.
March 27, 1994 8:20 PM Chuck E. Cheese Parking Lot
We are down, but we aren't out. We intend on doing something lame. We
intend on trashing. A New England Telephone CO is located in the same
shopping center as Chuck E. Cheese, horizontal, about an acre's length away.
Absolute Angel and Culture Jammer agree that they will do the actual
trashing since they have had the most experience with this particular site.
We all get out of Erik Turbo's car, to get ready, and suddenly we spot a
police car coming. The police officers instruct us to pick up a beer can
next to the car. Culture Jammer, Erik Turbo, Fizban, and Absolute
simultaneously tell them that the beer can is not ours (which it wasn't.)
The police men again order us to pick up the beer can and place it "back"
into Erik Turbo's car. Being the conformist that I am, and not looking to
have to put up with a bunch of bullshit from the pigs, I walk over to the
beer can, and place it in Erik Turbo's car. The next line of questioning
is obvious. Six people stand outside of a car that sits four. They ask
us what we are doing, and where we are from. After we tell them that we
are a group of people who met over a computer who get together once a month,
they ask us why we are in the parking lot. Bender is distant from the rest
of us, and isn't paying too much attention to what is going on. Absolute
Angel tells the pigs that we are here to drop Bender off, and that someone
is going to pick him up. The policemen holler for Bender's attention, and
ask him whether or not we are dropping him off. He says no, and one cop
gets out of the car, asking "What the fuck is going on here?". Erik Turbo
turns his back to the cop, facing Bender and says, "Ben, remember.. you're
parents are coming to pick you up here after we drop you off." Bender
replies with an "Oh yeah...." Whether this was convincing or not, the
police man asked Erik Turbo for his license and registration. To get the
cops thinking about something else besides our obvious fuck up, Erik begins
to tell them the tale of Chuck E. Cheese, and how we were kicked out. The
cops denied that it was because of that that they were in the parking lot,
although we all knew they were full of shit. The cops got back into their
car, and left. We all breathed a sigh of relief. We could now continue
our trashing plans.
The cops still have not exited the parking lot, so Bender begins to walk
with Absolute Angel and Culture Jammer so that our story seems truthful.
Erik Turbo, Fizban, and I decide to hang out in front of Chuck E. Cheese
until the trashers are done. Almost a mistake. The police car was also
in front of Chuck E. Cheese's. We only had one choice, and that was to
leave the parking lot.
March 27, 1994 8:35 PM Behind the Chuck E. Cheese / Telco Shopping Center
We have decided to resituate the car behind the shopping plaza in hope that
Culture Jammer and the rest will catch a glimpse of us up on the hill above.
We wait for fifteen minutes, and we decide to go after them and inform them
of our location. Since the car could not make it down to the area that they
were in, Fizban volunteered to go down there. Bad move. We shouldn't have
even gone back trashing in the first place, never mind split ourselves up
even more...
March 27, 1994 8:55 PM Behind the Chuck E. Cheese / Telco Shopping Center
Erik Turbo and I see the blazing of the blue and white lights. The officers
have taken Fizban captive, as he is sitting in the back seat. They let him
out, and all that I can let out of my mouth is an "Oh shit.." The cops seem
a lot more bastardized now, as they both get out of their car with flash
lights, kussing all sorts of things that *I* wouldn't even say to Dale Drew
on IRC. They instruct Erik Turbo and I to leave the car, and tell Fizban
and I to put our hands on the hood of their car. I guess I was a little bit
slow to move, as one of the cops felt it neccesary to "push" me along.
I am blasted with question after question about what we were doing, who
we are, etc. etc. I answer "I don't know" to each one, with the final
answer being "you have our complete attention and co-operation." This must
have pissed them off, as they turn their attention to Erik Turbo's car -
The most illegal car in the universe. Tons of stolen telco documents,
equipment, bolt cutters, red boxes, calling cards... everything you have ever
wanted to have in your room. Fortunately, Erik Turbo keeps them distracted,
frequently acting very innocent and occasionally flashing them his license.
Since they are not authorized to move anything around in the car, and they
are too dumb to notice the stolen DEC manuals sitting in the back seat in
plain view, we escape by the the skin of our teeth. They do however tell us
that they are going after our "friends", and instruct us to stay precisely
where we are.
After the cops leave our view, I begin to throw stuff over the side of the
hill next to the car. Everything that was illegal was thrown. This was
probably not too bright, because if the cops decided to further investigate
we could have been more screwed than if we kept it in our car. At least then,
they couldn't legally move anything around to look for anything. However, it
was a move that Erik Turbo, Fizban, and I all agreed to. Paranoia had us all
by the balls.
March 27, 1994 9:20 PM Behind the Chuck E. Cheese / Telco Shopping Center
The cops come back, and they seem even more pissed than before. It appears
that the story that they received from Bender, Absolute, and Culture Jammer
(We were waiting for someone to pick Bender up) differed from the story they
got from Fizban (I was looking for a place to take a piss.) They really
have no clue as to what is going on, and are probably thinking the worst.
Regardless, they really can't do anything except haul us in, and that would
require a lot of paperwork that these guys look like they don't normally do.
They instruct us to leave the town of Lowell immediately. They will follow
us out to the town line, and we are to never come back. If we do, we will
be arrested. Quoting one of the pigs, "If you guys come back for any of your
asshole friends, we'll be right here.. we'll be sure you don't get as far as
a fly on flypaper."
After giving us vivid directions as to _how_ to get out of the town, we
begin to drive. Keep in mind, that Erik Turbo is not from Lowell, and thus
really doesn't know what to do. Fizban and him begin to argue about which
turn to take, and Erik takes Fizzy's turn. Bad choice. Next thing we know,
the sirens are on, the lights are blazing, and we are being pulled over.
The cops most likely thought we were attempting a get away. In any case,
we are held up for a good half an hour as they ask us for more information
on ourselves, such as our names, licenses, social security numbers, phone
numbers, etc. Fizzy was lucky. Erik Turbo got tagged, and so did I.
Probably because I was the negro looking guy. Oh well. We see Bender,
Culture Jammer, and Absolute Angel attempting to cross the street so that
Bender can come home with us. The pigs don't let it happen and tell them
to leave or they will be arrested.
March 27, 1994 10:00 PM Fizban's House, Concord, Masssachusetts
After getting our directions correct, we are escorted out of town, and we
drop Fizban off at his house. We enter, and call up Absolute, Bender, and
Culture Jammer voice, and data. Erik Turbo leaves the following message on
Dementia Access:
"We are at Fizban's house. Call us voice at 508/371-XxXx. We have until
10:20 PM. I am Erik Turbo. He is Loxsmith. And we are out of here."
March 27, 1994 10:20 PM Fizban's House
We finally get a call from the trio that split with us. All three of them
are not too happy about what happened, and the fact that Erik Turbo will be
unable to bring Bender home with us. We argue for 10 minutes, and then we
hang up. Erik Turbo and I leave Fizzy's house and take off for home.
March 28, 1994 12:00 AM Loxsmith's House, New Bedford, Massachusetts
I am home. The day has been long. I am tired. I have school tommorow.
I am still going to type a text file on today. Right now, in a matter of
fact...
Epilogue:
Erik Turbo, despite the cop's threats of arresting us all, went back at
5:30 AM to pick up Bender. From what I hear, Absolute's dog and Bender had
an interesting experience.
I go on to be a nobody. I write text files and give up hacking to become
an IRC'er. In fact, I become as worthless and resident as bwiz, C-Curve,
and some of those other lifeless lamers.
--
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