Feb.28/93 The Fixer Presents Pranks, Revenge, and General Mayhem ______ ________ __________ _____ _____ ________________\ \ / \ \__/ / | | |________________ (_________________\ \/ \ \/ / | | |________________) (_______________\ /\ /| | | |_____________) (_____________\ /__\ /_| | | |__________) (__________/ \___\ /__| | | |_______) (______/ \___\ /___| | | |____) (__/ /\ \___\ /____| | | |__) /_____/ \_____\ \/ |_____|_____|_____| (C) 1993 The Fixer With thanx to JB and Turb0
I had a neighbour whose mufflerless VW jalopy used to cruise in at 3 in the morning, waking the dead and the living with its asthmatic droning. Worse still, this guy sometimes liked to LEAVE at that hour, taking 5 to 10 minutes to rev and warm up his old shitbox at 90 dBm without a concern for those of us who lost sleep. When I confronted this person with this he basically told me to fuck off and that it was none of my business. Seeing red, that night I followed him to his regular pisstank (a local bar) and waited for him to go inside. Tools in hand, I removed the bulbs from all his taillights and turn signals and put the light covers back on. To make a long story short, the guy pissed it up for a few hours in the bar, and on his way home he was pulled over by the cops for no taillights. The officer, smelling the booze on his breath, called in a breath tester and gave him a 24 hour roadside suspension for driving drunk. He's a repeat DWI, so his court date comes up next month...
Have you seen those nasty things they have in some parking lots where you can only drive over them one way? Drive the wrong way on one and you'll pop all four tires. These are usually marked with "No Entrance - Severe Tire Damage" which is an understatement as the tires are a writeoff. Wouldn't it be great to put one of these where someone least expects to find one? Like in someone's driveway, or their parking spot at work? Well, good luck finding a real one just like your local shopping mall, but you CAN manufacture a field expedient version quite cheaply. Just pound a bunch of four inch nails, at a 45 degree angle, into a 1"x3" board about 8 feet long, at one inch intervals. Spray paint the whole assembly the same shitty dark gray colour as the pavement. Use a few more four inch nails to hold the thing to the pavement (you may be surprised how soft asphalt really is...). If your victim is sharp he'll see it before it's too late, but this file assumes that part of your prejudice against your victim is to do with his stupidity... By the way, it's said that the RCMP no longer need to engage in high speed pursuits. They just lay out a portable version of the above ahead of the fugitive's path, close the road ahead, and wait for him to barrel over it at 90 MPH. I have heard that some spectacular crashes have been caused with this tool, and no RCMP casualties... Wouldn't it be a shame if one was left on an open highway at night (while your victim is on his way to God knows where on the same route...)
Well, as a lot of you know, I run a popular BBS with girlie files in it. In fact, my BBS has been a focus of attention for irate parents and curious cops, so I keep a tight rein on who gets access to these rather interesting little stories of sex and bondage. This means no-one under 18, a very liberal cutoff, gets access to 'em. Well, this incensed a few of my younger, less mature users who seemed to think I owed them the earth, moon, and most of the inner planets along with access to these girlie files. To make a long story short, the little turds egged my house and wrote a few rag files. Rag files about the Fixer. I can see you all running for the blast shelters. I found myself reminded of the age-old saying, "live by the sword and you will die by the sword." There would be no nasty letters to parents, no indirect wardialing, no credit card frames, no stinkbombs in the unsuspecting urchins' lockers. They lived by the sword, and as Ghod is my witness they died by the sword when I took one of my raunchier homosexual bondage stories and replaced the names of the main characters with the names of these little r0desters. In fact several editions were made, one for each kid, each with the kid's name being used for the submissive ram-ee. Nice little stories about anuses and baseball bats, you understand, where the kids were catching, not pitching. Each of these files was sent, by fax, using a fax card programmed with a bogus header, to each kid's parents at work. The headers indicated the source of the fax as being the father of the most obnoxious of my marks. One was faxed to the kid's school, and the dominant character was the kid's principal. THAT story's probably true... Two of them no longer have access to their computers and likely won't again until they reach adulthood and move out. The rest are strangely quiet lately... "Bunny Lust" would be a good alternative, as most non-modeming people have never seen it and it is widely available.
I've got a neat text file called "Fax Phun" which describes a technique called the "Moebius Fax." It's basically several sheets of black paper taped together in a big loop and fed into the fax machine (taped together once in the machine) to form an endless loop. I've done this before and the first thing I want to say is that it DOES piss people off. However, it's not perfect because the loop will almost certainly go out of alignment or will jam or some mickeymouse shit like that. The call would then be aborted before you got the REAL effect you wanted - the ruination of an entire roll of fax paper! However, the advent of cheap Fax Cards has brought about a new kind of Moebius Fax. It's not really "endless" but you CAN make it VERY LONG. Just concatenate a bunch of copies of "Bunny Lust" or whatever together to make a HUGE text file. We're talking megabytes here. Gigantic. Enough to empty a fax roll. Set up your Bitfax software to send this textfile by fax to your victim. Make sure you have lots of disk space as the intermediary file Bitfax will create will be many times larger than your already-huge textfile. Reprogram the software to send a bogus header - maybe with another victim's name and phone number. And then fax away. Do this a couple of nights in a row and then stop because by then the Telco will have placed a print monitor on the line. By the way, using the same kinds of text files as in the above fax pranks will amplify the annoyance factor of this trick...
A good friend of mine works in a copy shop and, knowing of my rather sadistic leanings, felt compelled to tell me just how hard copy toner stains are to remove from clothes. Especially the purplish multi-coloured used toner dreck from full colour copiers... So, thought I, what a great way to recycle copy toner. Stuff a bunch into a rubber balloon (until it's stretched), shove an M-100 in after it and a suitable fuse. Discretely place near your intended victim, light, get away. Your victim will think World War III has started with the explosion and the hail of toner, and will find his clothes hopelessly soiled... Alternatively, if you have less tact, just walk up to your victim and dump the contents of the used toner bin onto him. He'll either try to stomp your guts out or just stand there stunned, piss his pants, and ask you what constructive purpose THAT served...
Video rental place screwed you over? Have no fear, revenge is here. The movie was full of bad spots and should have been thrown out ages ago. You can accelerate its trip to the landfill, and through the use of creative anarchy you can take a few VCR's with it! It's really simple. Video tape does not like to stick to itself. When it does, it can wrap around the very fast-moving rotary video head, causing a world of problems. But when you cause the tape to stick to itself by injecting lubricating oil into the cassette's case, you will not only double the repair cost of the VCR, you will also foul any tapes that should be played in that VCR if the tape happens to survive, reducing their lifespans by about 100% as well! One other thing that a friend used to do when he thought a rental movie was a ripoff, is he used to set up a titling program on his C-64 and record nasty messages like: "Raghead Video Sucks and So Does This Movie" in big letters on the blank tape at the end.
Ah, Paintball, what a relaxing way to while away your weekends. NOT! Obvious things to do with a paintball gun are snipe at Jehovahs, splatter an enemy's house, car, and dog, and ruin feminist posters at your local university. But, eventually, you will tire of colouring your world with your trusty little CO2 pistol, and will want to put it to better use. A suggestion by one of my users is to use a syringe to suck the contents from a paint ball, and another to refill the ball with whatever you want. Mace, stinkum, cyanide. Even mind-altering drugs, or just piss. Close off the tiny hole with a little epoxy or silicone (I suggest surrounding the needle before withdrawing it) and you have one hell of a nasty "paint" ball. Naturally, you aim for the face. And if you get caught, well, the cop who writes up his report on you will have a story to tell his grandchildren...
An update to my Krazy Glue trick which involved coin-operated machines: I suggested Krazy Glue along with some paper to provide volume. However it will be easier, quicker, and just about as effective if you buy a tube of Silicone, put on the fine tip and just squeeze that shit into a coin slot. Works best close to closing time so the shit can set before someone tries to put a quarter in.
Well, that's Pranks XVIII. I'll leave you with a pleasant thought... "If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon, a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You're the lowest form of life on Earth. You're not even human fucking beings! You are nothing but unorganized flabbastic pieces of amphibian shit! Do you maggots understand that?" - USMC Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Senior Drill Instructor, Parris Island. Call: THC (604) 361-4549 1200-9600v32