****************************************************************
         **                                                            **
         **                       -FREEBAGE-                           **
         **                                                            **
         **        PART 1: A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO BERNSTEINING           **
         **                                                            **
         **                    WRITTEN BY DISMAY                       **
         **                                                            **
         ****************************************************************

     "What the hell is Bernsteining?" you well may ask.  Well it's the term
that my
 friends and I use to describe getting into places, getting things
and doing things at no cost to us, but to others.  Once you learn some
basic techniques, it will be easy for you to become a hoarker of severe
level.  Hoarking is another term, which means basically the same thing. 
Several other terms have been used to describe the process, but these are
the ones that I like.  Hopefully I will be able to tell enough about
Bernsteining to get you going, and I hope I make some sense.

     There are several d
ifferent ways of Bernsteining.  One method is
shoplifting.  But not ordinary shoplifting, no no!  I am not talking about
shoving a package of ding dongs down your pants and sweating while sneaking
out of the store.  When you "hoarklift" you do it with style.  Another
Bernstein method is the one that I like the best, getting into places for
free.  This one covers almost the whole Bernstein spectrum.  One that know
the techniques can get into almost anyplace they desire for free, if not
for considerably less
than what it would cost an uninitiated Bernsteiner. 
The best thing about all this is it's fun as hell!   It's a great feeling
to wake up in the morning with about $2.50 in change in your pocket, then
by mid day be inside Walt Disney World, screwing with the old folks, eating
your fill of junk in the Future World Cafe.  Yes, it can be done, all for
free if you know how.  Hopefully, I can show you how, and the world can be
full of Bernsteins.


*********************************************************
Joe Al
bertson and the make for the shopping cart hoark...
*********************************************************

     Let's talk about hoarklifting.  It's a lot like shoplifting in that
you go into a store and walk out with something that you didn't pay for,
and now own.  If you were to go into a store, such as Skaggs, Albertsons,
Publix, Winn Dixie, Jewel Osco, etc, etc, etc... you would not want to be
shoving merchandise down your drawers.  The boneheads that work at these
stores are dumb, but not dumb enou
gh to not notice large bulges in your
pants.  Also, you are very limited by what you can fit in your pants. 
Unless you are skinny and got yourself made up to be a heifer, there just
ain't much room in there.  The goal here is to get a LOT of stuff out of
the store, and maybe even get some help taking it out to your car.

     Ok, let's get down to the nitty gritty.  Things you need... umm you
need yourself of course, and you gotta be half way presentable.  You gotta
look like someone who would have a whole
 shopping cart of groceries.  When
selecting items to take, don't be stupid.  Don't fill a cart with beer. 
Fill it with whatever most people get when they are at the store.  You
don't want to draw attention to yourself at all.  You must look like an
ordinary customer.  So.., when you comb the aisles, with shopping list in
hand, and fill your cart as you wish, start going up to the front.  Ok,
this step is when the talent comes in hand.  Hopefully you are in a store
with a large exit area, lots of aisles, a
nd they all should be busy..  The
best days are Saturdays, midday, on a cloudy or overcast day, when the most
people are in the store.  The aisles will be backed up, and all available
employees will be running the registers.  At this point you have to get out
your receipt from another trip, or one that you find in the area.  Scan the
store before entering, looking for a nice long one, that is in good
condition.  If you got one in hand, proceed past the registers and to the
front to the store.  The busier th
e store, the more confused the employees
will be.  You may be spotted by a bag-person, and they will ask you if you
want help taking the groceries to the car.  If they ask this, gladly tell
them yes, and have them push the cart out and into your car.  Give em a
tip, 50 cents or so.  They will like that.  If no clerks are around, go to
the doors and exit.  Make sure that you have the receipt in your hands. 
The reason this works is that the people who work at these places are
usually only concerned with what
 is going on in their lane, and no where
else.  If it is really busy, then the front end management will be running
around making voids and even running registers if it's busy enough.  If a
cashier sees you pushing your cart full of groceries around, with receipt
in hand, they will assume that you have been checked out and are looking
for help taking the cart out, or you are on your way out.  Rarely will a
cashier ask you what you are doing.  They all assume that someone else did
the checking on you, and yo
u are leaving under good terms.

       Okay, you've read the details, and I have made it sound fairly easy. 
That's because I have left the hard part out!  If you noticed, the
groceries haven't been bagged, which will look VERY suspicious if you try
to push them out of the store.  This is where the real skill comes in.  In
the process of filling your cart you have to bag the groceries.  No one can
see what you are doing.  This becomes a real problem because this method is
used at peak hours when the store
 fullest.  One way I bag the
groceries is to bunch up the bags at the bottom of the cart, so I can place
the groceries on top of them, and when no one is looking, pull the sides of
the bag up and around the groceries.  You may be able to come up with your
own methods for doing this.  A simple way of bypassing the bagging is to
get groceries that don't need to be put into bags, such as bottles, beer
(suspicious), large boxes, etc.  This all depends on what kind of layout
the store has, and how full the store
 is.  Another thing that may be of
assistance to you is some stores have a "lobby" entrance at one side of the
store.  In these stores you may be able to avoid the front end all
together, and push the cart around the magazine rack, or whatever the
particular store may have, and out the side door.  Whatever you decide to
do, you can't be hesitant.  You have to be utterly convinced that what you
are doing is FOOLPROOF.  If you have the slightest doubt in your mind that
you will get snagged, don't do it!  It i
sn't made to be executed by people
without any balls (sorry if any girls are reading this, you obviously don't
have any balls in the physical sense).

 If you are questioned by someone in the store... well if you are
stopped before you exit the front doors, act like you are looking for
someone to ring you up.  Act foreign, act retarded, just play STUPID! 
Don't ever admit or act like you know what you were really doing.  Ask the
person who is questioning you where you have to go to pay for your
groceries.
If you are good, though, you can act like you paid for them and
BS your way into the parking lot.  But, if they ask to see your receipt,
you are screwed.  At this point, if they are about to get REALLY
suspicious, then make a scene.  Scream "why am I always treated like an
idiot whenever I step into your shitty store! All I want to do is shop!",
etc., etc...  There is nothing worse to an employee than being yelled at by
a customer in front of other employees and other customers.  This will
almost always get
 them to comply with what you want.  If this works, stick
with your story, and exit, or if you told them you would like to pay, have
them show you where to get into line.  If you exit, congratulations.  If
you end up in line, tuff luck.  You gotta somehow get out of line and get
the hell out of the store and don't try it again at that store.  It might
take you a couple times to get it down pat.

 One thing that is important, if you haven't taken the groceries out of
the door, and into the lot, you haven't s
tolen them!  You can parade all
day in front of the registers, and they can't do anything about it, because
you haven't taken them out yet.  So if you are stopped in front of the
doors, before the exit, then you have done nothing wrong, and they can do
nothing to you but ask you questions about if you have paid yet.  Another
good thing to say is "I was going to leave the cart here at the front while
I ran out to my car for my wallet.  I didn't want to leave the cart
unattended in a line, because it would up
set the other shoppers."  This
works well, it makes you sound like a real concerned shopper.  If they say,
"ok, we will watch it for you while you get your wallet" then go to get the
wallet, and drive away.  No luck that day.  Just remember, as long as you
are in the store you are safe, if you are followed outside and then asked
if you have paid, then you are in deep shit.  Hopefully you have enough
brains to accomplish this task.  In any case, I wish you luck, and lots of
free groceries.

*****************
**
A tale of barage...
*******************

    Ahhh... there's nothing like being able to get into a bar for free,
especially if it's an exclusive club, and ESPECIALLY if you are under age. 
I am now of legal age, so I am left out by the ladder, but I started the
bar hoarkin at a young age.  Bars are very easy to get into for free.  So
easy, in fact, that my friends and I would often visit 4 or 5 different
bars on a single Friday night without ever paying for anything but gas
(sometimes we had to pay for g
ugh).

 One of the easiest methods of bar hoarking is the "tag" method.  This
is a way of getting in by using a "tag" given to people when they leave the
bar so that they can get back in, bypassing any long lines.  When you
arrive at a bar, wait until you see people leaving the establishment, then
observe what kind of tag they were given.  It could be anything from a
simple hand stamp, to a wrist band, to an elaborate ID card.  Make sure you
get all the details.

    If the tag is a hand stamp, you are luck
 Hand stamps are very easy
to forge.  Most are single color, black, blue, or red.  Maybe green or an
off color, but nothing really unusual.  Take note of the leaving person's
stamp.  Notice the size and placement.  Be sure you know which hand is
stamped.  Most bars will only stamp a particular hand, so be careful you
know which it is.  Take note the "smearage" of the stamp.  If the stamp on
the person's hand is smudged a lot, that is good.  If it is well defined,
that means that the ink they are using dries
 and stays fast well.  In this
case a ball point pen is needed.  You should be carrying a set of colored
pens in the car, ball point and felt tip.  After you got a good look at the
person's stamp, try to re-create the stamp on your hand the best you can. 
If it is a box shape, try to make it the closest to the original size that
you can.  If the stamp on the person was smeared a lot, then use a felt tip
pen.  After you and your friends have drawn the stamps on yourselves, rub
them lightly on a piece of clot
h, so that they blur.  No stamp given by a
bar is perfect, and if they expect it to stay perfect while you are bumping
up against people in the bar, they are crazy.  If you think your stamps
look good, then you are ready to enter the bar.  When the bouncer checks
for stamps, the light isn't usually good.  They also usually have a
different bouncer checking stamps than ID's, so then this bouncer might be
more inside the club where there isn't as much light.  Also, the fact that
there is usually a line of peo
ple getting back in with stamps means that
the bouncer will just glance at your hand, not really soaking up the
details in the stamp.  Most of the time that I have tried this, I have
simply walked past the bouncer, and flagged the back of my hand with a "I
gotta stamp...", and am returned with a grunt and a nod.  Only once have I
been turned down with this method, and that's because we were all laughing
at the bouncer.  (It was a gay bar with gay employees.)  Once you are
inside, you are home free.  If you
want to leave, make sure that you rub
off the false stamp and get a real stamp as you leave, so you will be able
to get back in for sure.  Also, something good to do if you are at the bar
very late, or if there just aren't too many people in the bar, and that is
to try to steal the stamp.  Most bars carry several of the same stamps, and
the only difference between nights is that they change the color of the
ink.  My friends and I have a collection of 7 stamps from area clubs, all
which work 100 percent.  Al
l we have to do is find out what color the ink
is for that night and we are in.

       Ok, enough with the stamps... what if the tag is wristbands.  Well,
that's simple.  If you see someone leaving, ask for theirs.  If they aren't
planning on coming back that night, they will gladly give it to you.  Keep
a safety pin with you, because the bands usually tear when taken off.  When
you get a band, keep it.  You can use it some other time.  The bars and
clubs do rotate bands, so after a while you will have sev
ifferent
colors.  Many bars use these bands so they can be used in several different
places.  If there is a bar logo on the stamp, just make sure that if you
use it in a different bar that you turn the band around so that the bouncer
won't see the logo.  Make sure you save these wristbands because they
aren't only used by bars, but many other things, which I will talk about
later.

       Now..ID cards, some exclusive bars have ID cards, which are hard to
duplicate.  The best way to get one, is to steal one
someone leaving
the bar.  Simple as that.  Can you handle it?   There are very few bars
that use this method, so I don't think I need to get into detail.  Just use
your head.

        Once in the bar...  when you get in you wanna drink, and who wants to
pay for drinks?  A very simple thing to do is find a long stretch of bar
table, in a dark section of the bar, and sit down, squeeze in, what ever
you have to do.  Try to position yourself next to someone who is really
drunk.  It is also good if people are fa
ay from the bar towards the
dance floor, or live band, whatever is going on at that particular bar.  

 Now, keep your eye on the bar.  Watch for when someone sitting down
orders a drink.  It helps if the bar is really busy, because the bartenders
will be running around like mad dogs with their dicks cut off.  Most drunk
people are so worried about drinking they order then slap their money down,
then forget about the drink.  If you have a chance, try to swipe the bill
they lay on the table, or if it is more
 than one bill, take just half. 
Then when the bartender comes with the drinks they will ask the patron for
the money.  They should be drunk enough to think that they actually didn't
put any money down, or didn't get enough money out of their pocket.

    Ok, besides money to buy drinks, why not just take drinks?  If the guy
(or girl) you are seated next to is REALLY wasted, just slide their drink
away from them when they first order it.  Replace a rum and coke with just
a coke, they shouldn't be able to te
the difference.  If they order
multiple drinks for friends and such, then take one.  If you aren't scared
of germs, take their drink after they've taken a sip.  A lot of drunk
people will drink a little bit of their drink then set it down and forget
about it.  If it is hard liquor you shouldn't be worried about germs, the
alcohol should kill them.  Beer, I am not too sure of, it doesn't contain
too much alcohol as opposed to a vodka martini.  It should be safe though,
especially if they only took a sip from
 it.  If you have a glass that you
know is clean, reach over and dump half of their drink into your glass. 
Then they will feel proud that they could drink so fast, and order another
drink.  The drunker people get, the more the drinks will flow into one
another, and soon they won't be sure of exactly what they ordered, and
won't notice a missing cocktail here and there.

  It sounds easy, it is easy.  One important note, don't try this in a
biker bar or one that you could easily get into a brawl in.  A drin
 isn't
worth your life.  Another good way of getting free drinks works well in gay
bars.  You may not like the idea of going into a gay bar, but in my
experience I haven't had a bad time in one.  The gay people can tell if you
are not gay, and leave you alone.  Never have I been picked up on in a gay
bar, and have even met a few girls in them (yes REAL girls, not prefab
girls).  The reason why these bars are good targets for free drinks is the
fact that most of the gay people are in a good mood there, they
are with
people that they can get along with, and they don't like to cause, or be a
part of any trouble.  You can easily use this to your advantage.  Order,
steal, or somehow get your hands on a pitcher of beer, full, half full, or
almost empty.  Walk around with this pitcher.  When you see a good target
with his (her??) back to you, turn your back and bump into them, spilling
anything that you had in the pitcher.  If it wasn't much beer, act like it
was full.  Don't get mad or aggressive, just get sorrowfu
l.  Make them feel
bad that they knocked the beer out of your hands.  They should offer to buy
you another, if not suggest to them that they should.  Don't be too
forceful, they will catch on if you are a dick to them.  I have never
encountered a homosexual that would not buy another pitcher of beer for me
and my friends when this is used.  When they do get you one, offer them a
glass, be nice to them, they may buy you another.  One important note, when
in a gay bar, and a gay person seems to be making any
kind of advance
towards you or seems overly kind, just tell them that you aren't gay.  They
won't be offended, and they may even buy you a drink (our goal).  They like
to be treated like normal people, so if you are friendly to ones that kick
your pitcher, they may be buying you pitchers all night long, as long as
you are nice to them, and remember, all you have to do is tell them that
you aren't gay.  Well enough with the alternative lifestyles class haa...

*****************************************
Until
the depths of morage... and reebage  
*****************************************

       Well this concludes this part in the soon to be continuing series of
Learning to Bernstein files.  Part 2: Professional Bernsteining shall come
very soon.  Look for it, I should have it done within hours of this one
actually.  It will cover major event hoarking, like Disney World, Busch
Gardens, Six Flags, etc, and things like sporting events, and even an
additional chapter: "My Superbowl Hoark"  

**********************
***********************************************

As always, you can distribute this file as much as you like, but ONLY IN
IT'S ENTIRETY with all credits and all of EVERYTHING like it is now. Please
don't disrupt the format, or I shall disrupt your genetic inheritance. 
Thank you. 
***************************************************************************


FFFF  RRR   EEEE  EEEE  BBB    A     GGG   EEEE       22222
F     R  R  E     E     B  B  A A   G      E         2     2 
FFF   RRR   EEE   EEE   BBB  AAAAA  G  GG  EEE         2222 
F     R R   E     E     B  B A   A  G   G  E          2
F     R  R  EEEE  EEEE  BBB  A   A   GGG   EEEE      2222222

             **** Professional Bernsteining ****

       
       Hello again!  Welcome to part 2 of the Freebage series.  I
hope you have read Freebage Part 1: A Beginner's Guide to
Bernsteining.  If you haven't, locate that file and read it
before you read this.  It describes some basic Bernsteining
techniques and gives some definitions to the terms used in this
series.  Part 1 dealt with hoarking in places such as bars, and
grocery stores.  In this issue I will talk about more challenging
targets, such as amusement parks,
oncert events.  Actually,
these places can be quite easy to get into, with some brains, and
a little luck.

******************************************************
Chilling toaster ovens and unidentified pizza rolls...
******************************************************

      Alrighty kiddies, let's begin.  Suppose you hit the weekend
without a cent in your pocket.  No worries.  You know that you
can do things that an ordinary person would not dare.  If you
have any kind of amusement park, or theme park
where you
live, it is very much possible to spend the day there without
spending money, and without having to climb over a fence.  All
you need to do it is some intelligence, and a good knack for
bullshitting.  Try not to look too much like a scum ball.  Look
like a tourist.  

 If you are going to do it at Disney World, wear a Mickey
Mouse shirt, etc. You have to realize that most all of the people
who work at these places are teenagers and young people in
general.  They aren't too concerned of being reall
y strict, just
to stand in place and grab tickets from people filing by.  Now,
you have arrived at the park, and are at the front gate.  What
you must do is wait for a large group of tourist looking people
to be going in.  The larger, the better.  

      The best groups are ones with a lot of handicapped or
mentally retarded people.  In groups such as these, the tickets
for the entire group are handled by one or two people.  If you
see something like this happening, go towards the entrance.  As
they start
le in, blend in with them.  If only one of this
group has the tickets, you are in luck.  Try to act either really
excited, or emotional about entering the park.  If you are with
retarded people, act a little slow, it isn't hard to do.  Make
sure you are in the middle of the group.  Even the group
shouldn't notice you until you are well inside, and by then you
should be separated from them.  If you want, put your arm around
someone in the group as you pass through the gate.  Say out loud
"Isn't it great to g
o see Mickey!!!"  Make sure that the person
you have your arm around gets excited, but doesn't freak out. 
They should thing that you are just someone having a really good
time.  Sometimes they really enjoy this.  

        Now, you've been sitting around the park entrance for an
hour, and no group has come.  Well, there is usually a large line
of people entering the park.  If you see that the line is moving
in a fairly fast stream, this is good.  Get in line.  When you
get up to the ticket person, act reta
 whatever you think
will work and mutter to the employee, "he's (or she's) got my
tickets," as you gesture behind you.  By the time you squeeze
through the gates and are inside far enough away, they will
realize that there is one ticket missing from the whole deal, but
most of the people who work at these places won't care. 
Sometimes when I have done this, the people in back of be have
been refused entrance.  I like when that happens.  If you were
lucky and got in this way, good.  There isn't too much to w
orry
about, as long as you weren't in sight when they discovered what
was going on.  If you put on a good mentally retarded act, you
shouldn't be questioned.  

       Alright, what if there are no lines at all, or next to no
lines.  This is when bullshitting is your only tool to get in. 
Check out the people taking tickets.  If it is slow they will be
talking amongst themselves.  Look for the person who is the
"outcast" or not talking to the others.  This may mean that they
are shy, or new.  Slowly walk to
their line.  If you have a
hat, mash it down onto your head.  When you get to them talk
slowly and softly.  Tell them that you were in the park with your
mother and got lost.  If you are older than a kid that would be
with his mother, act retarded.  Drool a bit.  Tell them that you
were with your mother and you got separated.  You got really
scared that she left, so you went out to the car, which was the
only place that you knew how to get to for sure.  When you got to
the car you remembered her telling you
 before you went in that
morning, "if we get separated meet me at the xxxxxx."  Fill in
with something that you know is in the park.  If they ask you for
a stub or something, act like you don't understand.  

       If they tell you that you can't go in without a ticket,
start to cry.  Stick to the story.  If they get someone like a
manager, stay with the story.  Get more and more flustered and
whiny the more they question you.  Get them tears flowing!!  It's
good theatrics, and really fun to see how these
 react to
you.  Tell them all you want to do is get to the place your
mother told you to meet her at and wait there for her.  You might
have an employee escort you to the spot.  This has happened to me
once, and that experience will be told about in Sportsage.  If
they find a person to escort you to the fictitious meeting place,
seem relieved that you are there.  Of course, your mother will be
no where around.  Tell them that you will have to wait there for
her.  After a few minutes of waiting they will eit
her leave you
alone there to wait, making you promise that you won't go
anywhere, or they will ask you to leave.  One thing, this method
only works when you are alone.  It would be hard to do this with
more than 1 person.  If they leave you alone, make sure they
aren't going to be back in a while, then take off.  You might
want to wait until they come back to check up on you, that way
they will really thing you are waiting for your mother.  This
method takes a long time to complete, but you feel really good

when you successfully pull it off.  

 There are other ways like these that I have described, it's
all up to your creative abilities.  If you come up with any that
work well, let me know, I will gladly put them in a future issue
of Freebage.  

  Other notes...  besides retarded people, you can grab onto
old people too.  They often come to theme parks in large groups,
so they are a good target too!  If you are stopped inside and
accused of sneaking in, tell them you had a ticket and tell them
to prove that
you didn't.  I don't think that there is a park
that requires you to always carry a stub around proving that you
paid to get in.  

    The only time I have been questioned at a park was when I
used to hop the fence at Busch Gardens.  If they see you enter
like this they will most definitely go after you. Going in the
front way is a lot better because the most they can make you do
is get out of the way.  

      If you are stuck at the gate, and they are asking for a
ticket, and you told them that the peopl
 you had it, and
it gets fouled up somehow, act like the people you pointed to
weren't the people that you meant.  Say something like "holy cow,
the people I were with are gone! They were right behind me!" 
This won't get you in, but it will keep you out of trouble.  When
this happens, leave the gate area and act pissed off that your
friends left you, and try to get in later.  It helps if there is
more than one entrance.  Also, if you are going with friends, go
in separately.  Unless you can squeeze in with
 a large group of
tourists, it isn't advisable to be together.  Have a meeting
place arranged beforehand so that you can get back together once
inside.  

     This all sounds real complicated, but it's almost too easy! 
As I said before, most of the people who work at these places are
kids, and don't want to be bothered chasing after someone who
squeezes through their line.  So!  Try this out and see what
happens! 

***********************************************
Excruciating Flatulence and Live Zen Worshi

***********************************************

      Taking the things I have talked about in hand, you 
adapt them towards other things, such as getting into concerts.
There are a few things that are concert specific, though.  A
crowd at a concert is much different from one at an amusement
park.  It is a lot harder to sneak into a concert than a park,
because there are not "tourist groups" to blend into.  Also, you
usually get frisked.  

 One method that has been used is fairly simple.  You just
have t
d a ticket stub.  If you can get one, get it.  You may
have to wait for someone leaving the show to give you their's. 
Or, if you know someone who has paid, have them hand you the stub
through a gate, or some place that you can "intersect" around the
place where the concert is held.  

 If you are more daring, try this method... go to the place
of the show early in the day.  Try to get around to where the
equipment is being loaded into the arena, or whatever the place
is.  If you can, slip in and find a pla
ce to hide out until the
show starts.  This can be hard, and takes a lot of patience. 
Again, if you can, use the skills taught in the last chapter.  

        Another good ploy is the wheelchair method.  A big show
should have a separate handicapped entrance.  Have a friend wheel
you to it.  Be covered with blankets, and have on a lot of the
band's junk, like shirts, hats, etc, so that you look like a real
fan.  The best kind of handicapped person to be is one that can't
talk, that just sits and does nothi
. 

    Now, let me get something straight with you, I am not
prejudiced against handicapped people, this is simply a method
used to enter places for free.  I am sure that anyone handicapped
in this way who reads this will find it moderately amusing. 
Enough said.  

    Okay, you are at the handicapped entrance, and they ask for
your tickets. You, of course, can't talk.  Drool a little.  If
you had a friend bring you in, they should say something like "oh
they are with the rest of the guys who are in anoth
e." 
Have him ask the ticket takers to let you and your wheelchair sit
inside so you won't get into any trouble.  When he goes off,
slowly wheel yourself to a good spot, and when they ticket takers
aren't looking, slide in.  

     A wheelchair is also a real good way of smuggling things
into a concert, be it drugs, cameras, or tape decks.  The topic
of tape decks and cameras will be dealt with in the file
"Bootleggage".  Look for it soon, heh. So, with all this, and a
little flavor of your own, you will be
e to Hoark with the
best. 

*****************
Finale, Finalo...
*****************

     Well, that does it for this issue of Freebage.  Look for
Sportsage coming soon.  Sportsage is a story about me and two
friends getting into the Super Bowl.  I was going to make it a
chapter in Freebage 2, but it's going to be quite a large file. 
Also, as mentioned before, look for Bootleggage, a guide to
taping, filming, and bootlegging concerts.

 And, as usual, please don't mess up the file.  If you want
to distribute
like that, but if you do, don't change anything. 
Any additions that you think should be made, write yourself into
a separate file, and get to me.  It will be included in a future
addition of Freebage.  Hopefully I can get some people to write
up a few things and put out a regular Tri or Bi monthly Freebage. 
If you have any suggestions, please address them to me, DISMAY. 
I can currently be reached at...um...well..probably wherever you
found this file.  Heh heh.
 

**********************************************************************
**                                                                  **
**                          SPORTSAGE                               **
**                A Tale of the Super Bowl Hoark                    **
**                                                                  **
**                          By   smay                               **
**                                                                  **
**********************************************************************

         
       Hello and welcome to Sportsage, part 3 of the Freebage series.
If you haven't read parts one and two of Freebage, get em.  It will 
make this story make a lot more sense, although this was written as a 
"stand-alone" thing.  It's a separate file all together, and relates
a story of two friends and I spending a
g to sneak into 
the Super Bowl.  In it, you can see the various techniques that I have
talked about in Freebage 1 and 2 being used.  This is ALL TRUE, and 
every thing that is in this file happened on the weekend of the Super
Bowl, 1989.  If you don't believe it after reading it, oh well, I feel 
sorry for you.  Hah.. and now!  On with the story...


******************
Week of Boredom...
******************

    We had been doing nothing but bar hopping for weeks.  We could 
get into any bar in the bay area
r free now, so we took advantage of
it and were out all night, every night.  It was becoming quite dull.
Another weekend was coming up.  There wasn't much else to do but go
to the bars again.  We were planning on going into bars all weekend 
then watching the Super Bowl on television at whatever bar we would 
find ourselves at.  That's right, it was Super Bowl Sunday heading our
way.  Now, I particularly don't care to watch football, or any sport 
for that matter, but the Super Bowl is something different.
 It's 
gigantic, it's stupendous, it's..it's... it's downright fucking big!
It's the culmination of all the football season wrapped up into one 
game that would be exploited and smeared all over every television 
viewer's retina's across the entire world!  Whew.. At some time during 
the week preceding this weekend of jock fantasy, it was suggested by 
one of us that we should drive down to Miami and sneak into the Super 
Bowl itself.  We naturally agreed.  I don't think that any of us really 
thought that we were gunna actually do it, but it made good 
conversation to talk about it.  By the middle of the week we were 
talking about it more and more.  At this time I realized that we were
actually going to do it.  I knew the bunch of us was crazy, but I 
didn't ever think that we would try something like that.  Somehow
we got our stuff together and made plans to leave for Miami on Friday
night.  Although I had a feeling we would have no problems, Wade and 
Drake were kind of doubtful that we could get in.  It didn't matter
to us, we knew that even if we couldn't get in we could have a fun time
in Miami.  Boy, was I juiced.
 Friday came, and I got my stuff together for the trip.  I 
was a bit over packed, I had a pair of jeans and a t-shirt in a plastic
bag, a flask of rootbeer schnopps, and $20.00 cash.  Miami is 6 hours 
away, and I figured the 20 bucks would just about cover my share of gas
and any meals that we would have to pay for.  The three of us all had
something different to do on Friday evening.  We planned
 on meeting
at 2am and driving out to Miami.  I had decided to spend my Friday
night at a party.  Wade and Drake were at a bar.  By midnight I realized
that I had gotten a little too drunk for the drive south.  I left the
party around 1, and got home around 1:30, and was pretty sloshed.  I 
gathered my few items and double checked that I had all my crap. Making
sure that I didn't have my toothbrush, I left the house.  My destination
was the end of my street, where Wade was to pick me up in his VW.  Well, I
sat and sat.  It was 3am and he hadn't shown up 
yet.  "He ain't coming, I better just go home and get to sleep," I 
thought, but as I did, the whining of his car ebbed from the darkness
letting me know that he was on his way.  Within seconds he was at my
feet.  The first thing I noticed was the drunken glow on his face, 
and Drake's.  The reason he was late was because they had gotten held
up at Drake's.  I was supposed to be picked up first.  No matter, we
were on our way, all three of us drunk out of our
minds, driving a too small too slow car towards a night of fog.

**************
Enema Creeping
**************

        As the night went on we circulated the driving.  My thinking
grew hazy as I yearned for sleep.  We were in the Everglades, on a 
stretch of road known as "Alligator Alley".  None of us were in too
good mental shape, and we were getting to the time when the alcohol
was slowly wearing off, leaving us in a rotten sleepy mood.  The past
two hours were nothing but a haze of the 50 or so yards o
that
was visible in the thickening fog.  As the sun came up the visibility
grew worse.  I had no idea how much further it would be before we would
see any sign of civilization besides litter on the sides of the road.
Just about the point where I thought this to myself I noticed that we
were just about to run out of gas.  Drake had been driving at the time,
Wade was sleeping in the back, and I had been up watching the road
and making sure that Drake didn't fall asleep.  I alerted Drake to the 
gas shortage,
who in turn alerted Wade.  Now it was panic time.  Here
we were in the middle of a gigantic swamp with almost no gas.  The 
closer we came to running out, the farther anything was.  We crept 
along at economy speed breathing with every chug of the motor.  Every
turn of the drive train was it's last.  How many times can one 
hallucinate an engine stopping?  It was driving me mad.  All at once,
we spotted some buildings.  They crept up all around us.  Huge, 
aluminium buildings with lots and lots of trucks pa
rked next to them.
Our hopes rose, we knew that we were close to gas!  Smiles on our faces
we drove... and drove...  and drove.  No gas.  Fuck!  Something was
wrong!  All these trucks, they have to use gas!  Maybe they were left
by some strange aliens that pioneered gasless trucks... nah.  It was
scary.  We turned the first corner that we could.  Tears welled in 
our sleep deprived stinging eyes.  Then, as the car sputtered to it's
last breath, we saw a station.  Gleaming pumps, slick oil marks in
giant wel
coming circles across the pavement greeted us with a friendly
feeling of warmth.  We had made it to Miami.

*******************************************
Sunburnt spaghetti and flowering eyelids...
*******************************************

       It wasn't long before we were past the gas station and in 
the heart of Miami.  We all live in a shitty little county in Florida
that consists of 80 percent old people and 19 percent hicks, leaving 
us and our friends wallowing in the left over 1.  Miami was a mil
iles away in difference.  The traffic moved swiftly, and the cars were
fast.  It was a change from driving in a parade of Cadillacs going 
10 miles per hour.  The city sprawled around us, and we drove to Miami
Beach.  It was 9am when we got to the beach.  After parking the car we
decided to walk around and see the sights.  When we first got onto 
the beach, we noticed that one of the larger hotels was sporting
several limos.  They were accompanied by a large "Welcome Bengals"
banner.  Ahh.. looks like one o
f the teams was here.  That was where
we were heading.  When we reached the hotel we saw that the security 
was pretty tight.  Lots of cops manned the doors.  One thing that
we know is that you can't get into any trouble for just walking into 
a place like this, so we did.  We were inside in a second, and sitting
at the lounge.  I decided to call up a friend who lived in Miami.  
Since we had no place to stay the night, I thought that he may be
able to help us out with a floor to sleep on.  Finding a pay ph
one, 
I called him up.  He was surprised to hear from me.  We had gone to 
High School together, and now he was attending the University of
Miami.  He was glad to help us out with a place to sleep.  
Unfortunately, he was busy all day, playing his trumpet at various 
Super Bowl-related events across Miami all day and night.  He informed
me that his brother would be at the beach in a little bit to watch a
volley ball tournament at Penrod's, and we should go meet him there.
Well, I went and relayed the inform
ation to Drake and Wade, and we left 
the lounge (and a $20.00 drink bill).
    Penrod's was just a short walk down the beach.  We were all
very fashed from the night's drinking and not sleeping, but we didn't
want to waste a minute of time in Miami.  The beach was huge.  It
blows the beach where we live away.  Thousands of people were starting
to file out onto the sand as the sun climbed higher into the midday
sky.  Penrods, if you don't know, is a large bar, with many individual
bars across the country.
 one that we were at in Miami Beach is a
big beach house looking building on the sand.  There's a pool there,
and several jacuzzis.  The thing that interested us, though, was the 
BAR.  It was a big 'un, all right.  The more people that got onto 
the beach, the more people that lined up at the bar.  This day there
were several events going on.  A large volleyball tournament was 
happening right out on the sand, while a jet ski race was working
out in the water, and we were hoarking at the bar.  Every time w
e 
could, we would steal someone's drink.  We had become quite good at 
it, with all the bar hopping that we had been doing in the previous
weeks.  We drank and drank in the hot sun, looking for my friend's 
brother.  We didn't see him.  We decided to stroll around the beach.  
There was a booth with a Camel Cigarettes logo on it, and they were
giving away some sort of dumb prize.  After getting into line several
times and playing the roulette-type game, we came up with 3 pairs
of sunglasses, 10 plastic mug
s, and 24 packs of Camel Cigarettes.  Too
bad none of us smoked.  We took our new shit and walked down the beach.
We were pretty drunk then, and started getting a little rowdy.  As
we walked through the ever-growing-more-crowded beach, we kicked sand
on the dumb fuck looking people.  The beers in our hands were quickly
being emptied on girls' backs.  A lot of people were getting pissed 
off, but who gives a shit.  We took a pair of sunglasses and mangled
them up.  Then, we took turns going up to fat bikini-
clad babes with
these distorted glasses on, snot dripping out of our dork-looking
noses, and made come-ons to them.  It was fucking hilarious.  We 
had never pissed off so many different people in such a short period
of time.  It was getting to be too much to take.  The sun was growing
hotter and hotter, and we weren't feeling to good.  After waiting for
hours for my friend's brother, we left and went to get some lunch.
The lunch spot turned out to be Kentucky Fried Chicken.  It was a 
very bad choice.  Alt
hough we got some free food (by asking for the
"complementary" fries, chicken, etc.. it works!) it sucked.  Wade
was getting sicker and sicker.  We were all very sunburnt from the 
morning's activities, and still drunk.  One thing that I should have
known was not to drink in the hot sun.  Wade should have remembered
also.  He was getting worse, so we drove to my friend's apartment where
we thought that we could get some rest.
  When we got to the apartment we saw that Dan, my friend's
brother, had returned
ome.  He told us that he had been waiting at
Penrods all afternoon and hadn't seen us.  Oh well.  We crashed there
for a couple hours, and were planning on going to some bars that
night, when Wade started throwing up.  He was white as a baby's ass
and puking like a vomit seive.  The night looked bad.  While Wade lay
in bed moaning and drinking small amounts of water, me and Drake took
off for downtown Miami.  The buildings glimmered with giant projections
of football players, players that we hoped that we w
ould see in the 
next day's events.  Enthusiasm ran through our blood as we sped down
the freeways.  Coconut Grove was our destination, where we knew that
we could stir up some shit.  We arrived there and were walking around,
eyeing all the rich fucks in their Porche 959's.  There were many a 
drink to hoark that evening, and we were full on poached dinners. I
still had 18 dollars, as I only spent two so far on gas on the ride 
down.  As the evening grew on, we became bored.  It wasn't the same
without all
three of us fucking around like usual.  We couldn't leave
Wade alone with his head pounding and stomach surging.  So, we packed
up and left this hell hole, to go back and sleep and hopefully get into
the Super Bowl the next morning.
       Arriving back at the apartment, we saw that my friend was
still out doing gigs with his trumpet.  He wouldn't be back until
4 or 5 am.  I didn't really feel like staying up to meet him that
night, so we cooked some hoarked food and ate and went to sleep.  In 
the morning
awakened by someone tugging on my shoulder.  It was
Jim, my friend that I hadn't seen yet.  "Hey Matt," he says to me, 
"I gotta play my horn down at some pre game show so I'll see ya 
around!"  He left then, and that was all I saw of him the entire 
time we were in Miami.  In a couple hours we were all awake, and
groping around for beers.  Wade was still feeling peckish, but his 
spirits were high becasue we were about to depart for Joe Robbie 
Stadium, where the Super Bowl was being played that afternoon.
  
We gathered up our few things and cleaned up any messes that we made
in my friend's home, and were off.  The Blue Beetle buzzed into 
the morning haze (or fog) and sped off towards our destination- The
Super Bowl.

*****************
Holy Shit Batman!
*****************

       When we got down to the stadium, we realized that it was
a bit early.  The parking lot was next to empty, with only stadium
personel and entertainment people in it.  That was good.  The bad 
thing was that on the way to the stadium,
 reading a little 
pamphlet about the Super Bowl.  It said that due to past years 
overcrowding of the parking lots, only those with tickets can get 
into the lot.  Well that really sucked.  How were we going to get 
into the game if we couldn't even get into the parking lot!  It 
didn't bother us, though.  We planned on telling the man at the 
parking lot gate that we were inside already, and had left to eat
at Wendy's down the street, and that our tickets were locked up
in a friend's car.  We even spotted
 Jim's car parked inside, as he
was in a band playing at a pre-game party.  We did infact eat at
Wendy's, so the story should have worked.  We strolled up to the 
gate with Wendy's cups in our hands.  This is when we got the yellows.
Wade had been feeling sick still, and for some reason none of us was
up to bullshitting the guard.  We sat around the entrance for about
an hour, when we gave the idea up.  By then the guard had been watching
us, and kind of knew what was up.  I couldn't believe it!  All the
wa
y down to Miami and we were chickening out!  The sun grew hotter.
We were in a vast cooking pot of asphalt, frying like a stuck flounder.
Wade was about to drop.  One thing that we did notice was that the 
people on the staff that were entering the gate had colored wristbands
on, much like the ones given out at some local bars.  There were
large groups of staff people filing out of tour buses and going through
the gate.  Wade said "fuck it, I'm going in!"  He tried to blend in 
with the employees, but he wa
s a bit too obvoius, the only person
without a tuxedo and bow tie.  They told him to get the hell out.  This
really sucked.  It looked like there was no way we could get in.  We
took a walk around and saw a million people with signs saying "I NEED
TICKETS".  Damn, so many people want to get into the game!  How the 
hell were we going to do it?  We had nothing better to do so we decided
to fuck with the beggars.  The first guy we approached, we told we 
had 3 tickets on the 20 yard line.  He freaked.  We tol
d him that they 
were in our car, and to follow us.  He offered $500.00 each for them,
which we thought was really good.  Turns out that most people scalping
were getting $1000.00 to 1200.00 EACH for the damn things.  Well, after
about a mile of following us nowhere, he caught on and started 
screaming and hollering.  I felt so bad that we had wasted this guy's
time, when he could have been getting real tickets.  Hah!  We did
it to a few more people, but Wade was still feeling sick.  I came up 
with an idea
, why not get someone with real tickets to drive us into
the parking lot.  This sounded good, so we went with it.  We stood
by the road, and any car that looked big enough for us to get into, we
assaulted.  A million people turned us down.  This really sucked!  
We were doing this for close to an hour, when Wade almost collapsed.
He had to sit down for a while, so we went to his car parked at the
Wendy's and got in it.  Wade and Drake were miserable.  I was too.
Someone suggested that we just go down to Pen
rod's and watch the game
on their big screen television.  "No way!" I exclaimed.  I wasn't about
to drive down to Miami to end up sitting in a god damn bar watching
television!  We HAD to get in now!  We parked his car in a neighborhood
where people were charging cars $20.00-$50.00 to park in their yards.
Now, Wade had a small dent in the back side of his Bug, so when we

parked and someone came out to ask us for money, we said "man, someone
just threw a rock at the car!  We need to get a cop!"  Well, they

agreed to let us park there so that we could go find a cop.  This was
a good sign, we were starting to get into the bullshitting mood.  
      Over a small hill we went, and came out on the outskirts of
the parking lot.  The cars were numerous, a slowing worm moving 
towards the entrance.  Then, around the corner came a big camper.
It had Ohio tags on it.  It happens to be that Wade is from Ohio,
so he knew that he could bullshit them.  We waited until they were 
almost at the front of the stadium, and mad
 assault.  Wade 
yelled "hey wassup!  I am from Ohio too!"  and from there it grew
into a conversation of the various things in the state, to coming
down to the Super Bowl.  "Yea," Wade said, "we need a lift in!"
By now they knew that we were friendly, so they opened the doors
of the behemoth camper and let us in.  I couldn't believe it, we 
were getting into the parking lot!  The guys in the camper were cool,
giving us beers and telling us how they have been to every Super 
Bowl since 1971.  They paid thei
r $50.00 dollar RV parking fee and
rode up to the stadium.  When they parked, we gave our thanks and
took off into the crowd gathering around the entrance of the stadium.
It was a festive mood spreading all around the elite 70,000 who had 
tickets to this game.  We weren't planning on trying to get into the
stadium for quite a while, as it was still pretty early in the morning.
Over the past week we had been seeing commercials on MTV (ugh) for the
big tailgate party they were supposed to be having in the pa
rking lot
of the Super Bowl.  The Bangles were gunna be there, and all day they 
would broadcast from the lot.  We planned on finding out where they 
were and fucking around with the goofball VJ's, but we couldn't find 
em.  We were looking everywhere around where all the people were.
There were a lot of tailgate parties going on, but no MTV.  There was,
however a large fenced off area with a small line of people going into
it, so we decided to take a look.  As we approached the line we saw a 
kid coming at
 us, apparently he had been turned away.  He mumbled 
something about "invitation only" so we freaked.  This seemed like 
something cool to do.  The three of us got in line and planned to just
cram ourselves through.  The line was kind of thick, so we were packed
in just right.  When we got towards the front I noticed that we were 
the only people not holding little cards, invitations.  I didn't worry
though, the most that they could do is tell us to get out, which is
what they did to me and Wade.  Drake, h
owever, somehow snuck by and got
in.  Me and Wade then went to another part of the area where the exit 
was.  In a few minutes Drake came out and had a yellow wristband on his
arm.  The same kind of yellow wristband that Wade and I had in our 
pockets from a local bar!  It was incredible!  We put the bands on 
ourselves and went up to the entrance.  When going through, we made
sure that we didn't go by the guy that told us to get out before.  It
was only a matter of seconds before we were all inside the fen
ced off 
area.  It was really strange.  There were a lot of people milling about
in tuxedos.  Hmmm... it looked like we stumbled into something really 
important.  Taking a look around we saw that there were big areas of 
food being passed out.  Drake and Wade went to piss, so I went over to 
a table where some steaks were being cooked.  I asked them how much a 
steak was, and they laughed.  Wow, I couldn't believe it, they were 
free!  This was too much!  When Drake and Wade got back, I told them
the news
about the free food.  Drake loved it, although Wade really 
didn't feel like eating.  We heard a band start up in a tent nearby,
so we went to check it out.  Along the way over we picked up hot dogs,
hamburgers, and bar-b-que ribs.  Upon entering the tent, we noticed
a long table against the back of the tent with a large amount people
lined up along it.  We knew instantly what it was.. A BAR!!!  Free 
food was almost too good to handle, but this was the motherlode!  All
the free beer and cocktails we could
handle!  I was served up with 32oz
Long Island Iced Teas, and Miller Genuine Draft longnecks, while Drake
played Russian Roulette with whatever the bartender would slap
together.  We drank a few, then refilled to take a look around.   So 
far we had blown away any hoarking we had done, and we hadn't even 
gotten into the stadium yet.  As we walked around, I noticed that there
were quite a few "stars" in the crowd.  We saw Don Johnson, Chevy 
Chase, etc...  Wade pointed out some famous football players.  Whe
n 
we had gotten over to the other side of the area, we noticed two trucks
surrounded by television cameras.  It was MTV!  The first thing that 
came to my mind was what kind of assholes these people were telling 
people for weeks about a big parking lot party, when actually they
were in a private area performing for a bunch of rich people's kids.
On one truck was Ken Ober(?), the dickhead from Remote Control.  Kevin
Seals was on another truck with the guy that plays the whale Rozanne 
Barr's TV husband.  T
he few teenage, and young people, that were in 
the area were all around the cars.  On TV it looked pretty packed, 
but in reality there weren't too many people in there.  The trucks
were parked close to a fence, and on the other side of the fence were
thousands of screaming kids dying to get into the place where we were.
What a pitiful sight.  There we were, without even a ticket to get 
into the parking lot, inside an exclusive party.  We heard a cameraman
counting down, then on zero they suddenly went li
ve.  The dicks sprung
into action, sucking up to America, and they had a contest with some
rich kids plucking rubber alligators out of gatorade coolers with their
mouths.  What a sight.  Randy the hippie guy was there, he was such a
loser.  It was really funny watching how these people operated, how 
they made everything seem so exciting.  Between live shots the small
crowd was being "coached" on how to scream and shout, after all, they
were going to be on MTV! (god)  We went and got another drink then
came
 back.  When we got back to the trucks, we saw that the Bangles
were there.  I thought they would be cool, you know, but they were
really strange.  It was like the were on downers or something.  We 
asked them if we could get up onto the truck with them, and one of
them said "sure dudes", so up we went.  Ken Ober(?) was up there
with them with a bottle of champagne.  It was 6 seconds to live time,
and we were right up there with them.  When they went live, the Bangles
changed from down to hyper.  They were
saying shit like "this is the 
grooviest party we've ever been to!"  It was sickening.  Ken Ober 
(is that the fucker's name, or is it Kent?) was chugging the champagne
and was about as drunk as we were.  While live we stood with them all
and I made strange gestures at the camera while Wade just looked like
one of the group.  Drake, however, stood right behind Ober, and 
screamed, "you're a DICK!!!" over and over.  Now, this is all hard 
to believe, I know.  However, before we left to Miami I told a friend

to leave his VCR taping MTV all day Sunday, as I knew that somehow we 
would get on.  So.. I have the tape of us doing all this.  It's our
only actual proof that we were in there, and I think it's good 
enough proof.  In the video you can barely hear Drake screaming at
Ober that he's a dick, and I look like the normal fool I am, and Wade
looks like he's just hanging out with the Bangles.  It was really
neat.  The MTV idiots finished what they were doing and when "Cut!"
was heard, they reverted into their or
iginal boring selves.  The
Bangles were friendly, and autographed a nerf football that we stole
out of one of the trucks.  One of them had a "No Acid" shirt, hmmmm
I thought they were a psychedelic type of band.  Strangeness 
permeated the air around those bright haired babes, so we split 
their "groovin" scene.  
    Walking around the place we saw some more famous people.
We kept eating all the food we could eat, and drinking all that we
could carry with one trip to the bar.  There were all kinds of stran
displays in the area, the place was made up to look like Florida 
swamp land or something.  There was a Seminole Indian wrestling 
an alligator, who had it's schnozz wrapped up with cable. It was
a pitiful display, although I could tell that the foreigners thought
it was spectacular.  One of the displays happened to be a booth, with
some scantily-clad gals behind it.  We went up and asked them what
the hell the booth was for, and they handed us all Super Bowl caps.
They were pretty nice, with flower pattern
s across the back.  They
weren't like the cheap ones that the vendors were selling to the
throngs of "normal" (heh) people outside the party.  Wearing these
hats designated us as one of the elite few with the privilege to get
into this shithole of snobs.  We asked one of the girls exactly what
orginazation was holding this party, and they told us that it was
being thrown by the NFL Association.  That explained a lot.  Well, 
we were pretty mellowed out, but still nervous about what we had 
to do next, sneak
 through the gate of the stadium.  A few more drinks
and we decided to leave the party for a few minutes and look around 
the entrances to the stadium to see which would be the best to try
to Bernstein our way through.  We all made sure to get new wristbands
when leaving the fenced off area.  The parking lot was now much more 
full.  A lot of the crowd was trying to look over the fence and into 
the party that we were just in.  A couple people asked us how to get
into it, and we told them "gotta be invited,
 loser."  It was cool.
Well, we had to look for a way in now, so off we went...

*************************
Loneliness at the Gate...
*************************

        Our intent was to scan the gates, and see which would look
like the best to cram through.  When we walked out of the place
a black man came up to us and asked us what the party was for. We
told him it was the NFL association and you could get in with a 
wristband.  Drake then sold one of the bands he had to the guy 
for 5 bucks, and it didn't
it around his wrist!  The guy
was just looking for some fun.  It was still kind of early and only
probally half of the crowd was there yet.  We started to walk around
the stadium in a big circle.  I noticed that the other side of it
had no cars parked in the lot yet.  Apparently, they were filling
up the parking lot in a certain order, and it had not yet gotten
full enough to reach the other side.  As we swung around the the
opposite of the crowd side, Drake noticed that even though there were
no people on
this side, there were open gates.  In one of them stood
3 hispanic looking women, waiting for someone to go in that side of 
the stadium.  Well, I thought we were just going to look the place 
over, and so did Wade, so it was very unexpected when Drake shot ahead
of us and slid right through the gate!!  He just held up the yellow
wrist band and walked through.  Now this left me and Wade freaking!
The lady he went by was confused, to say the least.  Wade said "come 
on!" and went up to her.  A security guard
 came out of no where and 
we shit our pants when he told Wade he couldn't go in... with the
nerf football.  He gladly surrendered it and went in, and I followed,
with my wristband held high.  I heard the security guard saying 
something like "fuckin' press assholes..."   Jesus I couldn't believe
it, we were IN THE STADIUM!!!  Our goal had been accomplished!  We sped
up to the top of the place to get a good look at our surroundings.  
Only a few thousand people had entered the stadium yet, it was still
2 ho
urs till kickoff.  We found a payphone and Wade called his 
girlfriend back where we live.  She couldn't believe that we were
really inside the stadium.  I tried callin my ma, but the long distance
lines were all busy.  We went to the food boots and filled up our cups
with draft beer when the servants weren't looking.  It was a 
spectacular sight when we entered the "bowl" of the stadium.  The 
crowd was starting to fill the seats, and it was a clear blue day.
Earlier that morning it had rained, so we thoug
ht that we might
not want to go in if it was raining.  But it had cleared up and now 
everything seemed perfect.  We sat in some untaken seats and sat to 
wait until someone came along and told us we were in their seats.  We
noticed that on each seat was a nice seat cushion, and each was either
red, blue, or white.  On one side it said something to the effect of 
"hold these above your head at the half time show when prompted to do 
so and be part of the biggest magic trick in history."  Well, this
meant a
good oppertunity to fuck around, so we scrambled up a bunch
of them wherever we could.  I didn't ever see how they turned out at 
the half time show, but I am sure it didn't come out as they planned!
We grabbed some cushions to take home with us and moved into different
seats.  After almost a half an hour some people came and told us we 
were in their seats... so we moved to some others, and kept bouncing
around.  The bouncings became more frequent as the stadium became more
and more filled.  It was at this
 time that we realized that we wouldn't
be able to find three seats together.  We decided to split up.  The 
game was to start in thirty minutes, so the stadium was just about 
filled.  By this time there were no seats barely at all for us to 
sit in.  We split up like planned, with arrangements to meet outside
at the party entrance after the game had ended, or after we got kicked 
out, whichever came first.  Well, I went up to the top of the 40 yard
line stairs..where I stood up against the wall.  I was th
inking that 
I had a pretty boring few hours ahead of me.  I didn't really care 
for football too much, and now that I was alone I didn't have anyone 
to mess around with.
    I was standing there watching Billy Joel sing the National
Anthem.  Wow.. I couldn't believe that I was in this place.  Thousands
of people were in all directions, all who had payed up to $2000.00 a 
fucking seat!  It felt so good knowing that I didn't pay a cent.  Well
the pre-game show started, and I was getting bored.  I couldn't i
ine
sitting up against this wall an entire game, even if it was the Super 
Bowl.  About the same time I realized this, I looked over to the next
aisle, to see if I could spot where Drake or Wade was.  Well they 
weren't there, but there were some security dicks checking the people
standing up at the next aisle for their ticket stubs.  Shit!  I knew
that they would come up my lane soon, so I decided to split.  All the
fun shit was over, like the jets flying over and the fireworks, all 
that was left till hal
f time was some goofballs tossing around a dead
pig.  I took off then, down the steps, not knowing really what I was
going to do.

**************************************
Electronic Derby and L.L. Special k...
**************************************

       I wandered around the people for a while, acting like I was 
looking for my seat.  This gave me a chance to knock the beers and
cokes out of the idiot's hands.  They loved me for it.  I found my
way to the outside rim of the stadium, to get a look at the p

lot.  I saw all the help people in tents in the lot having to watch 
the game on lots of televisions.  That must have sucked for them to 
work for the damn place and not be able to get in!  I walked down the 
spiral embankment that ran along the sides of the bowl.  Upon getting
to the middle section I noticed a series of glass doors with large 
letters saying something like "suite 32a-46b".  Wow, it looked like
the VIP boxes.  I stood around a corner and watched for a while at
the people going into the doo
rs.  They would each approach the girls
at the doors, and show their stubs and get in.  Hmmm... I wanted to 
get in there bad, so I thought up a plan.  I went to another entrance,
as the one that I had first seen I had sat by for a long time, so I 
looked suspicious.  Before going around the corner to the next entrance
I smashed my cap down on my head, and tucked my hair up into it.  As
I walked around the spiral towards the doors I looked like I was 
retarded.  I sat on the rail looking over the parking lo
t and acted 
like I was sick or something, taking in deep breaths of air.  The girls
at the door were watching me for sure, they had to be, I was the only
one around.  While I was getting "sick" I looked above the doors at
the numbers listed.  I picked out 34b as one of the ones in the 
sequence.  After a few minutes of standing at the railing looking 
bewildered and sick, I stumbled over to the doors.  The first thing I 
said was "is 34b heeere?" and drooled a little.  The girl was obviously
having a hard
time dealing with the situation, she was very 
uncomfortable with the idea of a "special" person asking her a 
question, which is sad.  But, at this moment, it was in my advantage.
           She said "yes, 34b is here, let me see your ticket stub..."
    "Huh?" I acted as though I didn't know what a ticket stub was.
 "I need to see your stub, the leftover of your ticket."
        I acted really confused about it, then I said "I was inside 
and I got sick and my mother told me to go and get fresh air and th
d I breathed air and I looked to go back in and I got lost
and I found a guy and he said this was it I need to get back in!"  
Panic rose in my voice as I sprawled words out to her.  Tears started
to well in my drooping eyes.
      "I can't let you in without a ticket stub, I'm sorry!" she 
said, but still held the door open as if she wanted to let me in.  
Obviously she didn't have the authority, or was afraid to get into 
trouble if she would let me in.
    "My mother is worrying about me she will be mad
me I 
hate it when she gets mad oh no..!!"  I rambled on and my tears grew
thicker along with the bullshit.  She was showing more and more pity
as I cried.  
  "Well, let me get my supervisor..."  She closed the doors and 
went out of sight for a moment, then came back with another girl who
looked about the same "rank".  She told the story to her "supervisor"
that I told her.  They thought I couldn't hear, and I heard them 
talking about the wristband I had on, and how only people who were
in the NFL associ
tion had them, also my hat seemed special, because
they were only given out to a few people.  
 I went over to them then and said, with tears streaming, "I
gotta get to see my mother she just gave me this to go out!"  I showed
them my wristband as I said this, so they thought that I had the band
to designate myself as "special" so that I could get back in.  Well,
the "supervisor" girl told me that she would escort me to 34b and help
me locate my mother.  I freaked that I would get in, but not at the
fact th
at this person would be along for the ride!


****************************************
Pasta Fishsticks and Scary Furry Toes...
****************************************                   

   Well, I headed into the "elite" section of the stadium, along
side a girl with an emblazoned SECURITY on her jacket.  She had her arm
around me to calm me down, as I was hyperventilating (heh heh).  We
walked down a corridor and came to some doors, each marked 34b.  One
was a private room, while the other was a pair of
down 
into some stands.  She asked me which my mother was in and I shit. 
Which should I pick?  I started to breathe real heavy and hard and 
stuttered "I...don't..re..member...which...I...was..in..!!!"  She
tried to calm me down and asked me some simple questions about what the
place looked like that I was in.  I decided to tell her it was outside
since the probability of me conning anyone into acting like my parents
in that small room was next to finding no cancer in Ronald Reagan's 
asshole.  When I told
 her that, she led me down the stairs and into 
some stands.  

        The stands consisted of about 15 rows of seats, if you have
ever seen pictures of the stadium, or have been there, it's the small
ring of seats in the middle, between the lower and top decks.  We 
went to the bottom of the steps and looked up, so that we had a good
view of all that was there.  She then asked me if I saw my mother.  
Of corse I told her no.  She then asked me if I was sure it was 34b.
I told her "I think so...duh" as I b
 cry again.  While she 
was running down the list of bullshit questions to me, I noticed that
about 5 rows up was a group of 4 seats together that was vacant.  I 
turned away from her and looked at the game.  This made it look like I
wasn't paying attention to the empty seats.  I "reenacted" the scene 
for her.  I looked out over the field and said "Ok, I was here I know 
it I remember that helmet (There was a big helmet that they blasted
balloons out of before the game in the corner where we were) and it
w
as me, my mom, my dad, and my brother together then I got sick and
went to get air because a man was smoking."
 She looked behind us to the area that contained the four empty
seats.  When she spotted them, she whirled me around and said "Is that
where you were?" while pointing to them.
 "Yes!! We were right there but my mom isn't there now! She
must be looking for me!"
    "Well, I suppose she is, I better take you where she could 
find you easily."  She escorted me back up the steps and into the hall.
Acro
the hall was a lounge, and some sofas.  She sat me down on one.
"Now listen, I can't stay with you all day.  Your mother and father
are apparently looking for you, so sit here and keep an eye out for 
them!  I will come back in a few minutes to check on you."
    "Ok I will!"  I said with feigned glee.  She walked off 
leaving me alone on this sofa.  I knew I would have to wait a while
before I was safely alone and could walk around.  I sat and looked 
around.  There was a bar next to me, and several televi
ns above
my head.  They were on the game.  I was watching the television when
the girl came back.
      "Hey turn around and watch the hallway so you can spot your
mother!  Don't watch the television if you need to find your parents!"
     "I'm sorry I forgot" I said with a pitiful look in my eyes.
    "Ok, now I think you can be alright if you need anything just
find someone in a yellow jacket like this one and ask for help, ok?"
     "Yea, thank you very much you have been good help for me!"
     "Alright
she walked off. I knew that I 
could escape now, but I didn't want to be on this level with all the
people that have already seen me around.  I spotted a spiral staircase
next to the bar, leading up.  I knew that was my destination.
       When I knew that no security was eyeballing me, I headed up
the steps.  When I got to the top I saw that it looked a lot like the
bottom level, except that there were only private rooms, and no outside
seats.  I traveled along the hall, in a big circle all around the 
sta
 There were doors on the field side all the way around it.  I
spotted a door that was open, and putting on my retarded act, peeked 
in.  It was full of business men drinking and eating while watching 
the game through a large plate of glass.  They were all sitting on 
comfortable sofas, and there was a hibachi going with some food being
cooked on it.  There was a television in the corner, too, tuned into 
the game.  Now this was first class!  One of the guys spotted me, he 
was very drunk.  "Look what we go
t here, the American skateboard 
champ!"  He blasted his words loudly across the room.  Now, I don't
think I look like a skater, but this guy thought I did, I guess.  When
he yell out in this way, all the goofs in the room turned around at 
me.  I smiled and kept watching the game through their room.  After
a while one of the guys got up and told me to leave.  I guess I did
kinda stand out.. I was the only one not dressed up.
  Walking around some more, I watched the waiters delivering 
food to the rooms, l
ts of food on big rolling carts.  This place was
unbelievable.  I followed the cart around and looked into the rooms
that it entered, to see who was in them.  I saw all sorts of stars and
shit, from Don Johnson on.. a lot of the same people who were in the 
Pre-Game party.  I got bored of walking around, and I couldn't really
see the fucking game, so I sat up against a pillar and looked into a
room which had an open door, and was about 5 feet in front of me.  
Right next to the open door was the press box,
at least that's what
the door said on it.  There would be a person going in or going out
every few minutes, and each time the door opened, I could hear the 
commotion coming out.  I was standing there bored, trying to get
a glimpse of the game through the cracks between the people in the
room in front of me, when Tommy Lasorda came out of the press box
and went into the room.  He wandered around in there, and then everyone
got up and started to come out.  I figured out that it was half time.
Tommy Lasorda c
ame out again, and he was with OJ Simpson.  This was 
pretty cool.  They stood around bullshitting about the game and crap
like that.  This was the point that I wished that I brought a camera, 
because I knew that everyone, even Wade and Drake wouldn't believe this
shit!  Some television crews came out of no where and were interviewing
OJ and some other guy.  They were asking the guy about what it sounded
like allegations of something and he was kicked out of the season 
or some crap.  He got pissed off whe
n they asked him about it.  
   There were many people I recognized walking around then.  I 
don't keep up too much on the stars, but I could tell their by their
faces that I had seen them before.  I walked around some, and found
a room that I could view the tv to see the half time show.  It sucked.
That's all there is to it, it was terrible.  No one was paying 
attention to it anyways.  This place was so weird.  Everyone was 
dressed up like they were going to a formal event or something.  I was
wearing a
e-dyed shit and a ripped up vest.  (I don't think I fit
in too well...)  The show was about over, and the idiots started filing
back into their cells.  I went back to the pillar and leaned up against
it.  The room there hadn't had it's door closed all night, so I could
kinda act like I was part of the group in there. 
        I was standing there a while when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
I looked over to see a girl in a yellow SECURITY jacket.  My heart 
shuddered.  I knew this wouldn't last long.
 "Are you
ng the game in that room?" she asks.
   "Well, kinda... not really, I'm waiting for a friend who's in
the bathroom, I was just standing here so I wouldn't miss anything."
     "Darn, well then you wouldn't know if that's Huey Lewis would
you?  I'd die for his autograph!"
        Christ, I almost shit my pants!  All she wanted was Huey's 
signature.  "I don't know if that's him, I haven't really looked good."
We stood there for a while, then the guy she thought was Huey Lewis 

stood up to get a drink.  Sure
as him.  She got up the
courage and went in and got his autograph.  When she came back she was
beaming.  I was glad that she wasn't busting me.  It was too damn 
close!  It was extremely bored and kept walking around...walking 
around..in circles around the entire stadium.  I must have done 500 
laps that night.  I thought about that I had probally done the same
distance as any of the players in the game.  I stopped for a while by
a balcony and leaned up against it.  There was a closed door facing me
across
 the hall.  As I was standing there, two men stepped out of it
and stood on either side of the door.  I didn't really notice them, 
except they were the only ones in the hall then.  I still had my 
seat cushion with me, and for some reason (fidgeting probally) I balled
it up around my hand.  So I looked like this.. a bum standing there 
with a cushion under his right arm, with his left hand tucked into it.
Well, the men across the hall must have thought I looked strange, 
because one of them started to star
e at me.  Then he motioned to the
other to look at me.  I acted like I didn't notice them, but I could
tell they were worried.  They must have thought I had a gun!  I decided
to play some games with them.  The cushion had a zipper running down 
the edge of it, so I pulled my left hand out of the cushion, and slowly
unzipped it.  Then, I very slowly put it in the cushion.  They were 
stiffening up quite a bit.  One of them unbuttoned his jacket and I 
could see the butt of a gun poking out of his belt.  Man!
  Who were
these guys.  I knew they had to protecting someone in that fucking
room.  My hand was still in the cushion, I was acting like I was 
digging around for something in it, then WHAM I pulled it out real
fast!  Those guys almost jumped through the ceiling!  Of corse, I had
nothing in my hand...  Well, I kept on fucking with them, I would put
my hand into my inside vest pocket (a good place for a gun heh heh) and
pull out a package of crackers or something.  Each time, they would 
jump.  I knew that t
hey wouldn't let up watching me, they probally 
thought I was doing a purposeful "cry wolf" technique, and if they
were any real security they should know better than to ignore me.  
Then, I unzipped the cushion again, reached my hand into it, fiddled
around, then zipped it back up.  All done very slowly.  I then bent
over and set it down on the ground next to an ash tray and walked off.
When I got down the hall I turned around, and saw that one of the 
fuckers was already at the ashtray, stomping out a cig
arette that he
had just lit.  He gave the cushion a little tap with his foot (not 
too smart if it were a bomb).  I walked back when he was still by it
and picked it up.  "Oops!  I seem to have dropped my seat cushion!"
I said it with so much Disney glee that I could see the vomit rising
in his gut.  
 Well I guess they thought less of me as a threat now, because
they weren't watching me too closely.  The security girl that had been 
hot for Huey Lewis walked by and I stopped her.  "Who is in there?" I aske
d.
     "I don't know, they won't let anyone in, not even us!"
 "Wow, I gotta see this dickhead!"
      "Yea, let me know who it was!"
 "Deal!"  She walked off and I waited.  It was fourth quarter
and the game was dragging on.  I had no idea what the score was.  I 
could hear the crowd cheering and moaning outside, and various yelps
from the rooms.  It was hell.  After a few minutes, maybe an hour, a
guy poked his head out of the secret door and yelled to the two 
guards.  They had walked away from their "p
et a drink.  They
were informed that "he wants to leave now!"  
        Wow..looked like a real event was about to happen.  I made
sure to get close to the door.  I was directly across from it, leaning
against the balcony, when it opened.  The two men had their jackets 
unbuttoned so that you could see badges on their belts.  Their guns
were promenent features of their wardrobe.  They started walking, then
out of the door came more guards, and more.  They were having a little
parade, it looked like.  I reac
 hand into my cushion then, and 
most of them freaked, but still kept coming.  Who the fuck were they
guarding?  Then, my question was answered, it was none other than 
Jimmy Carter (hah!).  When he came out I yanked my hand out of my
cushion to wave.  The guards didn't like it too much but Jimmy didn't
care, he waved back.  I screamed "Luv ya Jimmy!" and laughed.  There
wasn't anyone else in the hall and here I was screaming at the top 
of my lungs at an ex-president of the United States.  He smiled at
me
and nodded.  He looked really fucking old.  I'd hate to see Ronald
Reagan up close in real life, he's probally like walking death if 
Carter looked that bad!  Well..the guards figured out that I wasn't
a threat, and kept on marching away.  They went around the corner 
and were gone.  Well, so much for my "brush with fame".
   

*********************
Toadstools abounding!
*********************

   Well, I was really fucking sick and tired of this place.  I
thought about leaving, or going somewhere else.  I t
 to get into
the press box, but they wouldn't let anyone in there without a special
pass, and I didn't think I could bullshit a place like that, or want 
to.  I was through with bullshitting for the night.  I walked over to
the elevators and contemplated leaving.  There were only a few minutes
left in the game.  As I was standing there, some people came over to
me.  One was a security guard.  She asked why I was missing the game
standing around.  I told her that my dad was a photographer and got 
me in on a
 press pass, but I don't have any "official" seats.  Well, 
she didn't like the sound of that.  She asked me where my pass was 
and I showed her my wristband.  
       "Hmmm...well let's go talk to my supervisor, no one said
anything about this to me.  No one is supposed to be on this level
without a special pass"  she said.
 "Well I was going to leave anyways" I said, and jumped into 
an open elevator.  Oh well, I had gotten through most of the game 
without being caught, and I thought about how the hell t
dn't
notice me standing around before!  The elevator got to the bottom
(it went all the way to ground level) and I got out.  I walked 
straight out into the parking lot.  
    I had done it.  Gotten into the game and even a little further
than I had expected.  I sat around in the parking lot and watched the
people who hadn't gotten into the game wander around.  I guess they 
must have gotten at least into the lot.  What an accomplishment! Heh 
heh!  There was a little commotion when two guys tried to scale
 
fence and got the shit beat out of them by security guards.  I wandered
over to the tent where the pre-game party was.  It was as desolate as
a whale's ass.  There was another tent nearby with a party starting up
in it.  Apparently it was for the employees.  I showed them my band
and wandered in, and it sucked.  I left and went to the spot where
I was supposed to meet Wade and Drake, back in front of the party
tent.  I could hear the crowd roaring in the stadium along with a 
radio broadcast that someone
was blaring nearby.  The taxicabs were
lining up on one side of the stadium, and the limos on the other.
The game ended suddenly, and there was a rush of people cascading out
of the entrances.  The first ones were running, probally to get out of
the parking lot.  They flowed and flowed, all with seat cushions in 
hand.  I squeezed mine against my chest, to make sure I REALLY had one.
I still couldn't fathom what we had done.  Sure, we had gotten into
Disney, Epcot, and places like that, and bars-a-plenty, b
ut nothing, 
NOTHING like this.  I wanted to cry (hee hee).  I watched the crowd
for a long time, then finally spotted Wade and Drake.  The smiles 
on their faces were as big as the crowd.  We met up and started telling
each other our experiences.  Wade and Drake found some seats and 
watched the whole game.  They talked about throwing ice on people and 
ripping off shit from people, etc.  I told them my story and they 
were surprised that I pulled it off.  Well, what did they expect, I
didn't really want t
o watch the game, and I didn't want to sit around
all night.  Well, we walked about a mile back to the car, and
fortunately it was in one piece.  After barely making it out of some
sugar sand, we were on our way home.

     
***************
Concludinado...
***************

      The weekend was great, I will always remember it, and now that
I have it written down I won't forget all the details ten years from 
now.  It all went without a hitch... except for this, on the ride home
I got a speeding ticket righ
middle of Alligator Alley!  It was
fucking 3am and the road is like 250miles long of just a straight road!
Well, even the radar dector didn't help, we were the only ones on the
road, and I happened to be the driver of the bug.  Wade and Drake 
were asleep, and the pig waited until I was within 100 yards before 
he turned the gun on.  The dectector lit up like the fourth of July!
There was no way I'd get out of it, he followed me for a while then
pulled me over and slapped me with a $128.00 fine.  I was cloc
ked 
at only 71, the bug is a slowmobile, but they are really worried about
someone slamming into a panther at night, coz there's only like 12 left
in the Everglades.  Oh well, I paid if off last week, only 3 months
late.  So I guess the weekend wasn't ENTIRELY cheap.  

        Until next time!  Look for FREEBAGE 4, BOOTLEGGAGE, a guide
to taping and bootlegging concerts.  Look for it where you found this.
If you want to get any messages to me, DISMAY, I dunno, look around, 
you may find me.  I plan on sprout a little this summer when 
my 9600 HST gets in.  (heh heh)  So! Hoark your way to Hell!! (ugh)
 

*************************************************************
**                                                         **
**                    -> FREEBAGE IV <-                    **
**                                                         **
**                    -> BOOTLEGGAGE <-                    **
**                                                         **
**                    ->  by DISMAY  <-                    **
**                                                         **
*************************************************************


     Welcome to Freebage IV!  The fourth file in the Freebage
series.  If you don't have any of the first three, get em
while you can!  The first two explain techniques of getting
things for free.  The third is a story about the use of these
techniques by telling about getting into the Super Bowl for
free.  It's quite a long file, and i
s all TRUE!
     Ok, this is entitled "Bootleggage".  Bootleggage
discusses taping and bootlegging concerts.  If you have ever
tried this, you know it can be hard.  The outcome can be very
profitable, too, if you get a good tape and the music is
"desirable" to bootleg collectors.  So, on with Freebage IV:
Bootleggage!


****
Ol!
****

     Your favorite band is coming to town and you got great
tickets.  You haven't seen them in years, and it's probally
the last time they will tour.  You manage to sneak in y
our
walkman recorder into the concert hoping to preserve these
moments in history.  When it's all over you can't wait to
hear how it all came out.  You run to the parking lot and pop
the tape in your car deck.  You rewind it with fury, you
can't fucking wait!  You stop it in the middle to see how it
sounds.  Hmmm..this can't be right, it's like listening to
bugs in a tin can!  Somehow the whole thing got fucked up.
It must be the deck, you think to yourself.  Well, it's too
late now to do anything about it,
 you made a two hour
recording of large reverberations and crowd noise.
     So, what can you do to get a good tape out of a concert?
The concepts are fairly simple.  It all depends on several
things, though, but once you are familiar with them you can
achieve high-fidelity recordings even if the hall is an echo
pit.


****
Huh?
****

     Okay.  First thing that you need is a GOOD deck.  Not
something you bought at a flea market that has a little slit
in it labeled "MIC".  You need something that AT LEAST
records
in stereo.  That's (if you didn't know) where you are
recording two channels at once.  You can pay anywhere from
$50.00 to $500.00 for one of these.  The price usually
depends on the brand name and the size of the deck.  Also it
depends on the features.  If you have the money to get a nice
one (or some other method of getting one), get it.  It will
do much better in the long run.  When looking for a deck you
will want to look for these things:

     * 2 Microphone Jacks, labeled L and R, or a jack t
hat
has a stereo adapter to be used with L and R microphones.
     * Dolby of some sort.  I like to use Dolby C.  Dolby B
is good also, but any will help.
     * Variable level controls.  This is so you can adjust
the input levels.  Decks with automatic levels record all one
volume, and then when the sound drops out, the levels rise,
also you get a drop out when a loud sound is made, knocking
the levels down until they can raise back up to a desired
level.
     * Speed control.  This is good for tuning the
tape, or
changing speeds.  Also, you can maybe get a better frequency
response if you run the tape at the fastest speed, but then
you have to use the same deck to make copied of the tape.
     * A radio on the deck.  This is because if you get
stopped with it at the door and they ask what it is just say
"a radio" and tune it in.  I have told them that a couple
times when caught, and they say "I guess radios are allowed,
just not tape decks".  (Yea most of them are dumb asses)
This works good with the very s
mall tape decks.

     Alright, if you get a deck with these things you should
be set.  The levels aren't that important, only if you are
striving for a really good tape to maybe commercialize.  You
do have to remember that some places confiscate decks if they
catch you sneaking one in, so be ready to lose it.  If you
can't afford a real expensive one, a cheaper one will do
until you get used to sneaking them into shows.
     Microphones.  You gotta get some good ones, not little
tape recorder ones that you
 get with those voice recorders,

but ones made for music recording.  I have used some Radio
Shack mic's, the ones that look like magic markers, only
longer.  They are very thin.  They require one AA (I think,
the real small ones) battery each, and have a long cord.  You
need to get two of them, to use the stereo sound option.  If
you have a deck with just one plug, you need to make an
adapter that will let you plug the two mic's in and get
stereo sound.  This isn't hard to do, you can even buy a
cable for
it from Radio Shack for like 5 bucks.  Oh, the
mic's are like 19.95 each.  What is good about the
microphones is that they are small and can be fit into your
shoes upon entering a show.  I have also used the "2 headed"
stereo microphone from Radio Shack.  It works okay, but is
kind of awkward to sneak in.  When you have the deck and the
mic's you are set, all you need to do is get the supplies,
tapes and batteries.
     Tapes make a big difference in the sound quality of the
recording.  Don't use a cheap ta
pe.  A good tape can make you
some bucks, so don't get something that won't sound good.  I
always use Denon metal tapes, 60 minutes.  Longer tapes can
get eaten easily in a walkman type deck, and since most
people at a show will be moving around a bit, you will be
most likely shaking the deck a little.  This improves the
chances of getting the tape sucked up.  A 60 minute is a good
size without the same chances of getting eaten.  Batteries are
easy to get too.. I'm sure you know which are good, get some
goo
d alkaline ones, and make sure that you are carrying a
couple sets.  It's not a waste to have too many batteries,
you can always use them next time.


*******************
I'm Losing my Mind!
*******************

     It's the day of the show and you need to plan your
entrance.  If you live up north, chances are that it will be
cold.  Then you can wear a heavy jacket.  This is where a
small deck will be good.  I have used heavy jackets to put
the deck in the lining in the back of it, with padding all
around
the deck, so when they pat you down they won't feel
it.  I don't think I have ever been caught doing it that way.
If you don't have a jacket like that, or it's too hot, like
it always is here in Florida, you gotta find another place
for the deck.  Something you can do is go to the show and
watch people going in before you decide where to put the
deck.  Check out the security and watch where they are
patting the people down, then put the deck where they aren't
feeling.  Sometimes they avoid the lower leg, th
en you can
put it in your sock, or maybe they don't reach the back of
you, so you can tuck it in your pants in back of you.  If you
are a large person you have lots of hiding places.  I am
quite thin, so I have a hard time getting a deck in.
     If you are caught with it, don't let them have it!  If
they find it, act cool about it.  Try telling them it's just
a radio.  They might buy it.  If they say "let me see it"
then show it to them, but don't let them handle it.  Once
they grab it, they won't give it
back.  So don't let them
touch it, if they have a problem with it tell them you are
taking it back to your car, then wait a while and try to go
into a different entrance.  If you make sure to watch the
guards before you enter the arena, then you should be able to
get it in with no problem.
     If you are at a show where they are using metal
detectors, or wands, you are fucked.  You will have to be
more drastic.  I have heard of people using wheelchairs to
get stuff in.  The security never would think of se
arching a
wheelchair real good, especially if you make yourself up to
look like you are in really bad shape!  I used this method
once, and it was to get a camcorder into a show.  I put it in
the bottom case in a wheelchair that looked like it was
electric, but it was gutted out so that there would be room.
I was all wrapped up in blankets and made up with T-Shirts to
match the band, buttons and banners, and drool.  I was NOT
making fun of handicapped people, I am not like that, but I
was only using this met
hod to get my camera in.  It worked,
too.


**********************************************************
"I can't fucking breathe in here!  There's SO much smoke!!
**********************************************************

     Now you should be inside.  The hard part is over, well
at least some of the hard stuff is.  Now you have to locate
yourself to get a good tape.  A lot of people make the simple
mistake of not being in the right place to get a good tape.
Simply enough, the closer to the amps the better
.  This is
good because it reduces crowd noise.  If you can adjust your
deck, make sure you adjust the levels during the opening act.
Never let the meters red line or you will get distortion.  If
you can, get a pair of the really small earphones, the ones
that look like earplugs with wires.  Then you can "practice"
taping by taping the opening band in different places in the
auditorium.  Then before the main band comes on, review the
tape and find out which placement has the best sound.  It is
important whe
n making a good tape, to try to get as much
stereo separation as possible.  Often bands will pipe their
instruments into the P.A. in stereo, so it is good to pick
this up.  When making the practice tape, talk into the mic so
that you will know where you were.  You only have to record
in each spot for about 30 seconds.  When you have found a
good spot, then get ready for the main band!
     Alright, one thing that is important about recording,
microphone placement.  Before you even go to the show you
should
know where and how you will place your microphones.
If you have the two skinny ones I mentioned above, then you
can do many things with them.  A really good, and simple,
place for them to go would be a hat.  You just stick them in
your hat poking out forwards, and you've got them lined up
just where you are looking.  The drawbacks to this are if you
turn your head around then the sound will "sway" a little.
Also, if you are short, you will hear the person behind you
yelling at the top of their lungs.  This
isn't too good.
But, if you are tall, or can stand on top of a chair the
whole show, then cool.  Another good place for mics is a
banner.  This is something that you have to plan ahead to do.
All you gotta do is make up a banner with the band's logo on
it, like you see people waving around, and put it on some
sort of pole.  Ok, the banner will be strung across a T at
the top of the pole.  Then, you gotta wire in the microphones
at either end of the T.  This will result in great stereo,
and barely any indivi
dual crowd noise.  The crowd noise will
sound like it should, far away, and only between songs.  This
method is one of the best for making a really good tape.
Just be sure that if you try it that you find a place where
when you put the banner up there aren't people behind you
yelling for you to move it so they can see.  So be sure to
make it tall enough.  I'll leave some creativity to you.
     You should be able to find out how you like to hold the
mics.  There are many variations.  If you are with a frien
d,
then you can maybe hold one mic each in hats.  This works
good if you are standing together.  You can get good stereo
effect if you stand as far apart as the cords will let you.
     Now, when you are making the tape, you should be timing
from the point when you started it.  Be sure that when it is
near 30 minutes that you flip the tape very fast.  Don't wait
for the tape to end, then you will lost valuable time.  The
reason for this is because the leader tape is usually five
seconds, and it takes about
two or three seconds to flip the
tape.  Taking into account the leader tape on each side, you
lose about 13 seconds if you wait till the end at least.  So,
before it gets to the leader, flip the tape.  Then you lose
maybe only four seconds maximum.  You can also tell how close
it is by looking at the spools and seeing how much tape is
left on the small spool.  If it is almost nothing, then flip
the muther.  Also, when you need to switch to another tape,
get it out and ready to pop in so the transfer takes o
nly a
coupe seconds.  Have the new tape forwarded past the leader
so that you don't lose more time.  As soon as you swap tapes,
take the one that is full of the recordings, and pop out the
tabs so that you don't fuck it up.  It's easy to pop in the
already used tape when flipping them like this.  So take the
precaution and pop out the tabs.
     Now you should have a pretty good recording of the show,
depending on all the things I mentioned above.  Congratulate
yourself on a job well done.


***************
*********
Flea Market Au Gratin...
************************


     You've got a really good tape now, and you want to know
what the hell to do with it.  Well the first thing you should
do is make a copy for yourself to listen to.  Don't use the
originals to play all the time, especially if you are going
to be listening to them in a car.  When you make copies, make
them on a good deck, or if you used fast speed on your
recorder, then you have to use the recorder to make the
copies.  All this is common sense,
 so you should be able to
make good copies.
     Before you go and make copied for all your friends, make
sure that there isn't any commercial value to this tape.  If
you know you can get some money for it, then only give a copy
to friends that you can trust, because you don't want them to
make the money themselves.  It can sometimes be good to sell
them at a record store on consignment.  There are lots of
record stores around that sell bootlegs.  They are often ones
that will say "collectors" or "used" rec
ords.  Talk to them
about the tape that you have.  They will probally want to
hear it.  Make sure, though, that you trust them.  You don't
want them to buy one tape then turn around and make multiple
copies for themselves to sell.
     When you do something like sell a tape at a store, you
will need to package it.  Often, bootleg tapes are generic
looking, with photo copied wrappers.  If you make a nice
looking package, then you can get more money for it.  Also,
it's a good idea to make the tape "limited",
like only print
up 100 or 200, etc.  Or if you are going to making a lot,
then make the first 100 "special" like make the wrapper
color, or number them or something.  Things like this are
looked for by collectors.  The only problem with tapes though
is that they aren't too desirable by serious collectors
unless they have a really good sound quality or are something
unique.  Say, for instance, that Blue Oyster Cult is playing
a show and you go to tape it, and some nut jumps on stage and
sets the singer's hai
r on fire, and as a result they play a 2
hour version of "Godzilla", then having this on tape will be
VERY collectable.  It is a bit extreme, but you can see what
I mean.  Also, it's good when the band mentions where they
are at.  Like on a Dio tape that I made he screams "It's
great to be here in Lakeland Florida!!".  Now something like
that is cool because people in the area who saw the show
would be interested in that tape because they were there and
shit.
     When you make the wrapper, you can use a co
py machine if
you don't care about color.  It's good to make something that
makes fun of the band.  People who collect things of just a
single band like to find unusual packaging.  Find a picture
of the band and mix it in with something that doesn't quite
fit, like paste them into a picture with a bunch of naked
gals.  The more creative, the better.  A good example of
someone who has been exploited to the hilt is Frank Zappa.
There are hundreds of Zappa bootlegs floating around.  I know
a few people who wou
ld pay $30.00 for one even if it's shit,
just to have a copy.
     Ok, that's tapes, what about albums?  If you want to
spend the money, you can have the tape pressed into vinyl.
This can cost anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand
bucks.  Most independant record factories will press an album
without question.  If they do have a problem, then make sure
that you don't get the jacket printed there.  Get them
printed at a printer that you can trust.  Bootlegs are very
widespread now, and it can be quite
 easy to find a
manufacturer that will press your tape into a record.
     Records are what are most sought after by collectors.
If you make a really good tape into some well made albums,
then you can make some good cash.  The same things that make
tapes more desirable make records even more so desirable.
Collectors love something "special", like limited edition
fold out picture sleeves (expensive to make, but you can sell
them for about $20-40.00 each).  Also, colored vinyl is a
good thing to do.  Some of
my favorite bootleg albums are on
colored vinyl.  I have a few that only the first 10-100
printed were on colored, the rest were on regular black.
This is also a good idea to do if you want to make a really
first quality bootleg.
     Other things, when printing up the labels or sleeves,
don't put your name one them!  It's hard not to do, because
you'd like to have your name known, but don't do it!  Also,
make sure you list all the songs on the outside of the album,
so that when someone finds one, they will
 be more apt to
purchase it because it has the songs they want.  Make lots of
liner notes about the show, and how the band was.  "Rate"
each song... people like a lot of shit on an album, and the
more there is the better they are!  It's really good if you
have pics from the same concert too.



*******
Lights!
*******

     What if you want to video tape?  Well, it's harder,
mainly because you can't slide a camcorder into your drawers,
(at least not yet).  So, you have to use other methods.  One
I mentioned
 before, a wheelchair.  I think this is the best
method, although you may think of something better or equal.
If you are going to video, be sure that you have all the
little lights taped off on the camera, they can be spotted
easily by security.  It's not like having a little deck that
you can keep down, you will be holding the camera up to head
level.
     One thing I tried before was simple and effective.  I
put a wig on the camera, and went out into the field where
the crowd was packed in tight.  The cam
era looked like just
another head from a distance, and since the security people
don't like to get into the crowds, I was safe as can be.  The
only thing wrong with this was since there was a packed crowd
around me, I was bumped a lot, which you don't want on video.
You need to find a place that you can remain fairly still.
     If you are doing video, make sure that you audio also.
As long as you are sneaking in a big camera it won't be
anything harder to get in your deck.  So then afterwards if
you have a
 stereo VCR, you can mix the sound in for top-
quality audio!  A video tape with stereo sound of a big band
will get you anywhere from $50.00 to $300.00 a pop!


**************
What the fuck?
**************

     Well, this has covered just about everything... but..
soundboard tapes.  A soundboard tape is a tape that you
record off of the soundboard!  Simple, eh?  These tapes are
of the best quality of the band, but they lack crowd noise.
If you can get the sound man to record a tape for you, cool,
get it.
 Soundboard recordings are much more rare than
regular ones, so it's a good idea to try to get one.
     When you go to a show, try to locate the sound guy.  If
you want, you can offer him money to record the show, or
sometimes they will ask for drugs, etc.  Sometimes, though,
they will do it for free!  I don't know if it's because they
get pissed off at the bands, or don't care or what, but when
it happens, it's good!
     A lot of soundboards have a built in deck.  If they got
one of those just tell the g
uy you'd like to record with it,
or else bring cables that you know will work in a board.
This can be good, but if he records in the board, it may be
an unusual tape speed, then you will have to locate someone
with an appropriate deck later on.  If you have the chance to
get a board tape, get it, worry about computability later.
If by good luck you can use the built in deck, that means
that you can use your own deck to record the regular way,
then you have two good, and different, tapes of the show!
     Wh
en you listen to a soundboard tape, it's kind of
boring.  That's because there's no crowd noise, and no
overdubs.  It's a raw tape of exactly what is being pumped
through the monitors.  So, you can hear every little thing
the band does, from missing a note to talking to each other
between songs.  Some people have taken a soundboard tape, and
a microphoned tape and mixed them into one, so that you get
soundboard quality with just a little bit of crowd noise to
fill it out just right.  This is a lot what band
s do
themselves when they make a live album.  They record through
the board, then add in cheering between the songs, and
sometimes boost it during the songs.  The only difference is
that the bands will most likely put tons of overdubs and echo
effects over the live stuff to make them sound better.
That's why a good board tape is the ultimate!


************************************
Ther're orbs hovering above my eyes!
************************************

     Well, I hope that you enjoyed Freebage IV, Bootl
eggage.
I don't know what'll be next.. someone give me some ideas!
PLEASE!! heh heh  So to all you bernsteiners-- good hoarkin!

p.s. Don't mess with the file as per usual