Terrorizing McDonalds

How To Terrorize McDonalds by the Jolly Roger
(Originally an Apple ][ file so excuse the upper case!!!)

NOW, ALTHOUGH Mc DONALDS IS FAMOUS FOR IT'S ADVERTISING AND MAKING THE WHOLE WORLD THINK THAT THE BIG MAC IS THE BEST THING TO COME ALONG SINCE SLICED BREAD (BUNS?), EACH LITTLE RESTAURANT IS AS AMATEUR AND SIMPLE AS A NEW-FOUND BUSNESS. NOT ONLY ARE ALL THE EMPLOYEES RATHER INEXPERIENCED AT WHAT THEY'RE =SUPPOSED= TO DO, BUT THEY WILL JUST LOOSE ALL CONTROL WHEN AN EMERGENCY OCCURS....HERE WE GO!!! FIRST, GET A FEW FRIENDS (4 IS GOOD...I'LL GET TO THIS LATER) AND ENTER THE MCDONALDS RESTAURANT, TALKING LOUDLY AND REAKING OF SOME STRANGE SMELL THAT AUTOMATICALLY MAKES THE OLD COUPLE SITTING BY THE DOOR LEAVE. IF ONE OF THOSE PIMPLY-FACED GOONS IS WIPING THE FLOOR, THEN TRACK SOME CRAP ALL OVER IT (YOU COULD PRETEND TO SLIP AND BREAK YOUR HEAD, BUT YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY DO SO).

NEXT, BEFORE YOU GET THE FOOD, FIND A TABLE. START YELLING AND RELEASING SOME STRANGE BODY ODOR SO =ANYBODY= WOULD LEAVE THEIR TABLE AND WALK OUT THE DOOR. SIT 2 FRIENDS THERE, AND GO UP TO THE COUNTER WITH ANOTHER. FIND A PLACE WHERE THE LINE IS SHORT, OR IF THE LINE IS LONG SAY "I ONLY WANNA BUY A COKE" AND YOU GET MOVED UP. NOW, YOU GET TO DO THE =ORDERING= ...HEH HEH HEH. SOMEBODY =ALWAYS= MUST WANT A PLAIN HAMBURGER WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON IT (THIS TAKES EXTRA TIME TO MAKE, AND DRIVES THE LITTLE HAMBURGER-MAKERS INSANE)..ORDER A 9-PACK OF CHICKEN MCNUGGETS...NO, A 20 PACK...NO, THREE 6 PACKS...WAIT...GO BACK TO THE TABLE AND ASK WHO WANTS WHAT. YOUR OTHER FRIEND WAITS BY THE COUNTER AND MAKES A PASS AT THE FEMALE CLERK. GET BACK TO THE THING AND ORDER THREE 6-PACKS OF CHICKEN ETC....NOW SHE SAYS "WHAT KIND OF SAUCE WOULD YOU LIKE?".OF COURSE, SAY THAT YOU ALL WANT BARBECUE SAUCE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS WANTS 2 (ONLY IF THERE ARE ONLY 2 CONTAINERS OF BARBECUE SAUCE LEFT).THEN THEY HAFTA GO INTO THE STOREROOM AND OPEN UP ANOTHER BOX. FINALLY, THE DRINKS...SOMEBODY WANTS COKE, SOMEBODY ROOT BEER, AND SOMEBODY DIET COKE. AFTER THESE ARE DELIVERED,

BRING THEM BACK AND SAY "I DIDN'T ORDER A DIET COKE! I ORDERED A SPRITE!" THIS GETS THEM MAD; BETTER YET, TURN DOWN SOMETHING TERRIBLE THAT NOBODY WANTS TO DRINK, SO THEY HAFTA THROW THE DRINK AWAY; THEY CAN'T SELL IT. AFTER ALL THE FOOD(?) IS HANDED TO YOU, YOU MUST =NEVER= HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY. THE CLERK WILL BE SO ANGRY AND CONFUSED THAT SHE'LL LET YA GET AWAY WITH IT (ANOTHER INFLUENCE ON HER IS YOUR FRIEND ASKING HER "IF YOU LET US GO I'LL GO OUT WITH YOU" AND GIVING HER A FAKE FONE NUMBER).

NOW, BACK TO YOUR TABLE. BUT FIRST, SOMEBODY LIKES KETCHUP AND MUSTARD. AND PLENTY (TOO MUCH) OF NAPKINS. OH, AND SOMEBODY LIKES FORKS AND KNIVES, SO ALWAYS END UP BREAKING THE ONES YOU PICK OUTTA THE BOX. HAVE YOUR FRIENDS YELL OUT,"YAY!!!!! WE HAVE MUNCHIES!!" AS LOUD AS THEY CAN.

THAT'LL WORRY THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT. PROCEED TO SIT DOWN. SO, YOU ARE SITTING IN THE SMOKING SECTION (BY ACCIDENT) EH? WELL, WHILE ONE OF THE TOBACCO-BREATHERS ISN'T LOOKING, PUT A SIGN FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM SAYING "DO NOT SMOKE HERE" AND HE'LL HAFTA MOVE...THEN HE GOES INTO THE REAL NON-SMOKING SECTION, AND GETS YELLED AT. HE THEN THINKS THAT NO SMOKING IS ALLOWED IN THE RESTAURANT, SO HE EATS OUTSIDE (IN THE POUR- ING RAIN) AFTER YOUR MEAL IS FINISHED (AND QUITE A FEW SPLATTERED-OPENED KETCHUP PACKETS ARE ALL OVER YER TABLE), TRY TO LEAVE. BUT OOPS! SOMEBODY HAS TO DO HIS DUTY IN THE MEN'S ROOM. AS HE GOES THERE, HE STICKS AN UNEATED HAMBURGGR (WOULD YOU DARE TO EAT ONE OF THEIR HAMBURGERS?) INSIDE THE TOILET, FLUSHES IT A WHILE,UNTIL IT RUNS ALL OVER THE BATHROOM. OOPS! SEND A PIMPLY-FACED TEENAGER TO CLEAN IT UP. (HE WON'T KNOW THAT BROWN THING IS A HAMBURGER, AND HE'LL GET SICK. WHEEE!)

AS YOU LEAVE THE RESTCURANT, LOOKING BACK AT YOUR UNCLEANED TABLE, SOMEBODY MUST REMEMBER THAT THEY LEFT THEIR CHOCOLATE SHAKE THERE! THE ONE THAT'S ALMOST FULL!!!! HE TAKES IT THEN SAYS "THIS TASTES LIKE CRAP!", THEN HE TAKES OFF THE LID AND THROWS IT INTO THE GARBAGE CAN...OOPS! HE MISSED, AND NOW THE SAME POOR SOUL WHO'S CLEANING UP THE BATHROOM NOW HASTA CLEAN UP CHOCOLATE SHAKE. THEN LEAVE THE JOINT, REVERSING THE "YES, WE'RE OPEN" SIGN (AS A REMINDER OF YER VISIT THERE YOU HAVE IT! YOU HAVE JUST PUT ALL OF MCDONALDS INTO COMPLETE MAYHEM. AND SINCE THERE IS NO PENALTY FOR LITTERING IN A RESTAURANT, BUGGING PEOPLE IN A PUBLIC EATERY (OR THROW-UPERY, IN THIS CASE) YOU GET OFF SCOT-FREE. WASN'T THAT FUN?

--------------Jolly Roger
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