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\title{Bits \& Pieces}
\author{re-revisited}
\date{}
\maketitle

{\it \noindent
{\Large S}omewhere between shadow's umbra and that which is afire
with light, there the tapestry is woven, perspectives intertwined, and the
Bard's stilted verbiage, as remorseless as it is hollow, plays within the
silken strands that nebulously comprise the Bits \& Pieces.\\}

\begin{center}
{\bf You know the gods are against you when\ldots}
\end{center}

\begin{itemize}

\item Your ring of free action gets stuck on your finger.
\item Your Bucknard's Everfull Purse starts producing only chocolate coins.
\item The case holding your chime of opening jams shut.
\item Your ring of swimming rusts.
\item Your necklace of adaptation doesn't fit.
\item Your wings of flying start molting.
\item You forget where you left your gem of insight.
\item Your robe of eyes needs glasses.
\item You can't find your cloak of elvenkind.
\item Your ring of invisibility just vanishes one day.
\item Your gloves of missile snaring steal all of your +3 arrows.
\item You cut yourself on your periapt of health.
\item Your plate mail of etherealness goes on a trip without you.
\item Your sheet of smallness shrinks in the wash.
\item Your manual of stealthy pilfering is stolen.
\item Your potion of gaseous form evaporates.
\item You notice your ring of sustenance is losing weight.
\item Your rod of passage gets caught in the door all the time.
\item Your Holy Avenger converts.
\item Your staff of the woodlands catches the blight.
\item You trip over your manual of quickness of action.
\item Your amulet of proof against detection and location is nowhere to be found.
\item Your gem of seeing turns opaque.
\item Your staff of withering withers.
\item You find your Nolzur's Marvelous Pigments are water-colors.
\item Your rope of entaglement gets a snarl.
\item Your pipes of the sewers back up.
\item You lose your luck blade in a poker game.\\

\end{itemize}

\begin{center}
{\bf On Finding a Magic Sword}
\end{center}

\begin{description}
\item[Paladin:]  ``I unsheathe it!''  (Maybe it's a holy avenger!)
\item[Sword:] ``Like dude, the light! Totally! Let's kill some of those gnarly orcs!''
\end{description}

Player gives GM a quizzical look.

\begin{description}
\item[Paladin:] ``Who are you?!"
\item[Sword:] ``Dude!  I'm a totally awesome sword!"
\item[Paladin:] ``Who do you belong to?''
\item[Sword:] ``I used to belong to a valley elf, but he like died, you know?''
\end{description}

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Russ Gilman\\
\>{\em rugi@cie.uoregon.edu}\\
\>Campus Information Exchange\\
\>University of Oregon\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{center}
\begin{tabular}{|l|} \hline \\
A dour old dwarf named Fritz\\
Was burned right where he sits\\
That happens, they say\\
When you get in the way\\
Of a dragon, just as he spits.\\ \\
\hline \end{tabular} \end{center}

\newpage

\begin{center}
{\bf On Orcs and Skeletons}
\end{center}

\begin{description}
\item[Q:] Why do Orc Women wear high-heels? \vspace*{-.1in}
\item[A:] So their knuckles don't drag on the ground.\\

\item[Q:] Why did the Skeleton never fight? \vspace*{-.1in}
\item[A:] It didn't have the guts to.\\

\item[Q:] Why did the Skeleton never go to a party? \vspace*{-.1in}
\item[A:] It didn't have any ghoul-friends.\\
\end{description}


\begin{center}
{\bf Regarding Elves}\\

{\small \sf by Macrion and the Peacemaker, lately of the Drow realms.}
\end{center}

\begin{description}
\item[Q:] Which is easier to unload, a cart full of dead
elves, or a cart full of cannon balls?
\vspace*{-.1in}
\item[A:] The elves --- you can use a pitchfork.
Although it's more fun with live ones\ldots\\

\item[Q:] What's the difference between an elf and a halfling? \vspace*{-.1in}
\item[A:] Better yardage when punting the halfling.\\

\item[Q:] What's the difference between Galadriel and a glad bag? \vspace*{-.1in}
\item[A:] One's empty, lifeless, full of garbage, and with no personality, and the
other's a glad bag.\\
\end{description}

So this elf walks into this bar with this bald parrot on his shoulder. 
Bartender says, ``where'd you get that ugly thing?"  Parrot says, ``Elven
kingdom, there's scads of 'em there!"

\begin{description}
\item[Q:] What's golden haired, red, and hangs from the ceiling? \vspace*{-.1in}
\item[A:] Elf on a meat hook.\\

\item[Q:] How do you get it down? \vspace*{-.1in}
\item[A:] Bring in some drunken dwarves and yell, ``Pi\~{n}ata party!"\\

\item[Q:] Why wasn't Jesus born to the elves? \vspace*{-.1in}
\item[A:] Couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
\end{description}

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Dr. Thaddeus V. Nuncheon\\
\>{\em jeffj@yang.earlham.edu}\\
\end{tabbing}

\newpage

\begin{center}
{\bf Ogre Gets Married}
\end{center}
``Do you, Nivek Ogre, take this woman as your lawful wedded\ldots ah, what
{\em is} that thing on your {\em back}?"

``Ah, it's\ldots"

``Don't bother telling me.  I can see it as well as you can.  Mr. Ogre, I
would like to remind you that this is the House of God, and He does not look
kindly on such ill-bred japes.  Besides which, you're dripping on my altar."

``Fath---"

``Don't bother apologizing, either.  I'll have a choir boy clean it up.  But
in future, Mr. Ogre, I strongly suggest that you try to restrain from
crucifying yourself at religious ceremonies.  Now, then.  Where was I?
Yes. Do you, Nivek Ogre, take this woman as your lawful wedded wife, to
have and to hold, ah, arr-urgh-gulp."  Father O'Branahan clears his throat
and swigs heartily from a handy bottle of communion wine.  ``Ah, fuck this
shit.  Do you want the broad or not?"

``CYAAAAAANNNNNIDE!  GENOCIIIIIDE!  FLAMING ACID DEATH!  DEATH!  DEATH!  DEATH!"

``Hmm."  The Padre pauses, takes another gulp of wine.  ``Can you translate,
Norma?"

``I think he means `Yes,' Father."

``Hmm, okay.  What about you; do you really want this schmuck?"

``Fuck\ldots I guess so."

``A-men.  I hereby pronounce you man and wife, Nivek Ogre and Norma Gertrude
Ogre.  You may kiss the bride.  {\em Christ!}  No, not {\em you}, Jourgensen, you're
just supposed to give him the ring --- save your enthusiasm for tonight.
Mr. Ogre?  Mr. Ogre?  Oh, Nivek?"  The priest slaps Ogre lightly on the cheek
but gets no response.  ``Shit."  He turns.  ``Choirboy Kennedy, would you get
me the methadone?  It`s on the rosewood cabinet under my rosary --- you know,
the vibrator cabinet --- in the old Trojan box.  Thanks.  Oh, wait.  Kennedy!"
The boy, exiting, looks back.  ``The {\em ribbed} box.  Be careful not to look in
the other one."

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Curtis Yarvin\\
\>{\em cgy@cs.brown.edu}\\
\>Brown University Department of Computer Science\\
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``God favors Drunks, Small Children, and the {\em Cataclysmically Stoned}."\\
\end{quote}

\newpage

\begin{center}
{\bf Frolicing with Dryads}
\end{center}
One my players had a character spend the better part of a game
year ``frolicing" with a dryad.  This was partly amusing because he was one of
those congenitally attractive characters --- a paladin.  Not that he had taken
vows of celibacy, but this was sort of outside of the kind of chaste and pure
love that he believed was acceptable.  In fact, ``love" had very little to do
with it.  Some {\em other} L-word, maybe, but not ``love''\ldots

Of course, {\em he} didn't find it amusing.  He was mortified.  His party was right
in the middle of a long and arduous quest, and they were being stalked by a
demon lord upon whose demesne they were trespassing.  He was kidnapped right out
from the midst of his party, but then he'd look in those beautiful, perfect
eyes, and forget all that --- for a while.

He was finally released into the custody of a bunch of druids in the midst of
a big religious ceremony.  A guest at said ceremony (a bard who worshiped
Loki) made a limerick on the spot that had half the kingdom laughing about the
paladin within the month.  The poor fellow eventually became known throughout
the Empire for his {\em swordsmanship}.

\begin{center}
\begin{tabular}{l}
There once was a paladin, Aidan\\
Who met a deciduous maiden,\\
They weathered the winters\\
And quite a few splinters\\
In the bough of the tree he was laid in.\\
\end{tabular}
\end{center}

Ahh, youth\ldots \\

\begin{quote}
``When in danger\\
 when in doubt\\
 run in circles\\
 scream and shout!''\\
\end{quote}

\begin{center}
{\bf Famous Last Words}
\end{center}
We opened a
door to find ourselves looking at the demon lord of gnolls, a few score of
his followers, and a small dinosaur.  In the moment of silence that followed
the DM's description, as we were all trying to figure out whether he was
pulling our leg, Ivor popped up with, ``Anybody order a pizza?"\\

\ \ \ --- Jeff Stehman\\


\begin{quote}
``In my present mood I could cast {\em Speak with Dead} and talk to myself."\\
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\bf Elmer Fudd Lives!}
\end{center}

\begin{description}
\item[Walter:]  ``Werebunnies??"  (The guy playing Walter had wanted a lycanthropic
           character.)
\item[Cujo:]  ``Uh, Walter, don't tell me you---"
\item[Walter:]  ``Welllll\ldots"
\item[Cujo:] ``Now lemme get this straight.  We're to just wait here while you
           bare your ass to a werebunny and say, `Bite me'!?"
\item[Mojo:]  (snickering to himself) ``Yeah. Be wewwy wewwy quiet; weah
           humping wabbits!''
\end{description}

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Paul Brinkley\\
\>{\em brinkley@cs.utexas.edu}\\
\>Dept of Computer Sciences, Austin, Texas\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{quote}
``Sometimes I think the universe just waits for me to get cocky\ldots"

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Todd Howard\\
\>{\em ohoward@matt.ksu.ksu.edu}\\
\>Kansas State University\\
\end{tabbing}
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\bf Altitude \& Stupidity}
\end{center}

\begin{description}
\item[DM:] You know the cave is 7' high?
\item[Harst:] So?
\item[DM:] You know you are 6' high?
\item[Harst:] Yeah, so?
\item[DM:] And the horse adds 3' to your height, approximately?
\item[Harst:] So?
\item[DM:] So you're charging {\em on} your horse, full speed, into a cave.  What
are you going to do?
\item[Harst:] {\em (As blandly as possible)} Hit my head on the cave roof.
\end{description}

As I recall, he took a {\em lot} of damage.  Especially since his saddle was designed
to keep the rider from falling or being knocked off. Ouch!

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Thanatos, DeathUrge\\
\>Master of Unknown Time and Space (Slightly Arrogant)\\
\>{\em tgt33358@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu}\\
\>University of Illinois at Urbana\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{center}
{\bf A Testimonial}
\end{center}
I, brothers and sisters, shall step forth to give a testimonial!

Yes, it is true. I used to be into religion. I started out with Christianity.
For a while it was great, but then I realized that it wasn't enough. I'd be
going to church every Sunday, but right around Thursday I'd start to shake.
I needed that next mass! Once a week wasn't enough. I started going on Saturday,
then weekdays, then twice a day.

Then a friend introduced me to Judaism. I was hooked. I couldn't stop myself.
I thought I could control it, you know? But I just kept going further and 
further. I read the Talmud. I tried orthodoxy. I even experimented with 
some eastern religions, and I still get flashbacks of peace and occasionally
hear the sound of one hand clapping.

My parents were worried. They didn't know how to reach me. In desperation, they
hired a group to de-program me. They strapped me in a chair and tried to, to
stimulate my imagination! You can guess how horrible the experience was. 

Well, friends, I finally saw the light. Now I keep a place in my heart open
to Gary Gygax. He can save you, too.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=John Iv Kovacik\\
\>a.k.a. Biff the Wonder Twit\\
\>{\em jik20815@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu}\\
\>University of Illinois at Urbana\\
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``That the people of the world will get off their butts and start trying to
change their world themselves, instead of invoking a supreme being to do
it for them, we pray to the Lord\ldots''
\end{quote}


\begin{description}
\item[Arthur:] ``You know, it's times like this when I'm in a Vogon airlock about
         to be blasted into space with a man from Betelgeuse that I wish
         I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was a child."
\item[Ford:]   ``Why? What did she tell you?"
\item[Arthur:] ``I don't know; I never listened."
\end{description}

\ \ \ --- Hitchhiker's\\


\begin{quote}
``Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all of its students."\\
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\bf Magic-Users Anonymous\\

{\small It could happen to you too, you little munchkin.}}
\end{center}{\small
     ``Hi, my name is Fizban, and I'm\ldots I'm\ldots I'm a Magic-User."
 
     {\em (Many voices in unison)} ``Hi Fizban!"
 
     ``I first started using magic when some of my friends introduced me to
it as a teenager.  They had gotten hold of a couple of potions, and we each
quaffed one behind my dad's barn.  Before I knew it, I was flying high.

     ``After that, we looked for magic wherever we could find it --- treasure
vaults, abandoned temples, hidden crypts, dragon's lairs, anywhere.  We were
hooked!

     ``I remember casting my first spell --- {\em Light}.  What a rush that was!
I thought I was being so clever by casting it on my middle finger and 
showing everyone my `holy bird'.  My dad didn't think it was very funny, 
though, and he tanned my hide good. 

     ``After that, I realized that Mom and Dad were going to keep me from 
magic, so I ran away.  My friends and I decided to band together.  We did
so under the pretense of doing good for others, but that wasn't the real 
reason we did it.  We were in it for the {\bf magic}!

     ``From then on, there was no turning back.  I created my first spell
book and acquired such spells as {\em Magic Missile}, {\em Charm Person}, and the 
versatile {\em Detect Magic}.  Little did I know, the twisted, sordid paths my
life would take from then on.

     ``It was downhill from there; I couldn't get enough.  I soon 
graduated to the hard stuff.  First {\em Fireball} and {\em Lightning Bolt}, then 
{\em Ice Storm}, {\em Teleport}, {\em Disintegrate}, {\em Power Word Stun},
{\em Polymorph Any}, and finally, {\em Wish}.

     ``It was too much; I was drunk with power.  I couldn't have stopped, 
even if my life depended on it.  

     ``Then one day, after eons of godhood, I realized the mistake my life
had become.  I had missed out on all the joys of life: a loving wife, a 
simple home, 2.3 kids, and cold beer.  I decided to seek help.

     ``My good friend, Takhisis, suggested that I look for answers in the
mortal realms.  Well, after fruitless searches through the prime plane and 
many failed attempts trying to help others avoid the same mistakes I made, I 
decided to seek professional help.  So I turned to Magic-Users Anonymous.

     ``Now I live a simple life.  I've traded in magic for a shovel and a
plow and make a modest living selling manure to other farmers like me.

     ``I would like to think that my life can now serve as an example to 
the young.  Hopefully, they won't make the same mistakes that I did.

     ``Thank you all for your kindness and support."}
 
\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Jonathan Hart\\
\>{\em gt3622a@prism.gatech.edu}\\
\>Georgia Institute of Technology\\
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``Remember --- Cthulhu loves you\ldots for lunch.''
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\bf The Difference of Experience}
\end{center}
\begin{description}
\item[Party:] We open the door and look in, but we don't enter the room {\em (there are
    some veterans of previous campaigns in this group)}.

\item[DM:] You see a medium-small room.  In the middle of the room is a pile of gold
    coins, about 10' high.  You see various weapons and implements sticking 
    out from the pile, all glowing with magical radiance.  There is also a
    sign in the pile.

\item[Party:] {\em (In shocked disbelief, because I do {\bf not} run Monty Hauls)}
We read the sign.

\item[DM:] The sign, in common, says: ``Monster Out to Lunch.''
\end{description}

One of two neophytes to the game screams in delight and runs into the room, 
    yelling ``Mine!  Mine!  All mine!"  He promptly disappears through the floor.
    The second neophyte ponders what he has just seen.  He evaluates the
    ramifications and comes to the one conclusion a true rookie can make:
    ``More for me!" he screams as he runs into the room.

    The veterans shake their heads sadly and find a way to dispel the illusion
    that was over the acid pit.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Douglas Holzworth\\
\>{\em douglash@meaddata.com}\\
\>Mead Data Central\\
\>Dayton, Ohio\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{quote}
A pig ate his fill of acorns under an oak tree and then started to root
around the tree.  A crow remarked, {\em ``You should not do this.  If you lay bare
the roots, the tree will wither and die.''} {\em ``Let it die,''} said the pig.
{\em ``Who cares so long as there are acorns?''}\\
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\bf Yet Another Little Story}
\end{center}
In this adventure our heroes have run into nearly every
reptilian monster in the books, and most of them had
been somewhat mutated, usually for the nastier.  So, when they walk
into a cavern and find a single, very tall, imperious looking Lizard
Man, they don't go banzai immediately.  Instead\ldots

\begin{description}
\item[Lizard Man:] Who are you, and what are you doing here?

\item[PC:] Er, well\ldots {\em (Takes a quick look at the party: 2 humans and an elf)}
     We're from the, uh\ldots Humans-Elves-Lizardmen League!

\item[Lizard Man:] {\em (Long pause)} Nice acronym.
\end{description}

Of course, then he started to whale on the poor PC, but that's life.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Doug Dawson\\
\>{\em dddawson@lpl.arizona.edu}\\
\>Lunar \& Planetary Laboratory\\
\>Tucson, Arizona\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{quote}
``True evil is mundane.  True terror is everyday.  True darkness walks in
the mid-day sun and smiles when you say hello.''

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Bryan J. Maloney\\
\>{\em jacobus@symphony.cc.purdue.edu}\\
\>Purdue University\\
\end{tabbing}
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\bf A Wish Come True}
\end{center}
This PC\ldots he had an eye put out by an arrow in an earlier campaign
but now finds himself the recipient of a {\em wish}!

\begin{description}
\item[Party:] What will you wish for?

\item[PC:] {\em (Grinning)} I'm {\em finally} going to correct my
``limited outlook" on life! I wish my one eye was just like the other one!

\item[DM:] Everything goes black\ldots
\end{description}

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Douglas Holzworth\\
\>{\em douglash@meaddata.com}\\
\>Mead Data Central\\
\>Dayton, Ohio\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{quote}
``The only way to understand what mathematics mean by infinity is to
contemplate the extent of human stupidity."\\

\ \ \ --- Voltaire\\
\end{quote}

\begin{center}
{\bf End of the Universe}
\end{center}
Many years ago, I was in a group that ran Traveller (with heavy modifications,
especially in technology) over an extended period.  One GM was particularly
interested in having scientific reasoning behind lots of stuff. At one
point, a character who was particularly prone to having extremely bad luck
was caught inside of the event horizon of a black hole.  He decided that
the best way to get out was to {\em Jump} out using the Traveller jump drive.
The GM had previously decided on what principles his jump drives operated.
When he heard what the character was doing, he just kind of sank his head
into his hands. He then looked up and said, ``You have just jumped simultaneously
to every point in the universe.  All of that matter collapses in on itself.
The entire universe just collapsed into one enormous black hole. This campaign
is over.'' God, the GM, picks up the black hole, shaking his head and
{\em tsk-tsk}ing.  He unravels the new universe. ``Everyone roll up new characters.''

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Brett Slocum\\
\>{\em slocum@ssdc.honeywell.com}\\
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``People of Earth, your attention, please. As you will no doubt be
aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the
Galaxy require the building of a superspatial express route through
your star system, and regrettably your planet is one of those
scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly less than
two of your Earth minutes. Thank you."

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz\\
\>Hitchhiker's\\
\end{tabbing}
\end{quote}

\begin{center}
{\bf Blowing up the World for the Sheer Helluvit}

{\small Famine! Chaos! Dogs and cats living together!

Ingrown toenails!}
\end{center}
I've never blown up a campaign world out of anger, frustration, or spite
before. But on numerous occasions, our group gets together to play a
little home-game we affectionately refer to as ``Zombie Bash". The rules
fit on a single page. Fun, not realism, is the key. We use the same
``system" for playing post-holocaust Road-Warrioresque madness, too. But I
digress.

     Remember ``Return of the Living Dead"? Well, Zombie-bashing starts
just outside of town, about the time the nuke goes off. Wham! The PCs
are far enough away to survive the immediate effects but are fully
dosed to the gills with sub-atomic particles and gamma waves. They're
gonna die in a few weeks anyway. This, I find, really helps add to the
general futility and chaos that will follow.

     Rumor has it that there is ``rioting" in the city and that the
military has attacked to suppress the revolt. The PCs then stumble
across the ``rioters" and discover that the Living Dead have an appetite.
The ensuing flesh-feast usually consumes 4 out of 5 PCs over the course
of an evening's play. The idea isn't to survive --- it's to go down with
yer guns blazin', or yer axe swingin', or yer car burnin'. Style, man.

     Anyway, whenever we get bored of having the best adventurers,
shadowrunners, investigators, etcetera in town, a little Zombie Bash reminds
us that {\em Inevitable Doom} is the name of the game.\\

\ \ \ --- The Elder Dan\\


\begin{quote}
``The release of atom power has changed everything except our
way of thinking\ldots The solution to this problem lies in the
heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a
watchmaker."\\

\ \ \ --- Albert Einstein\\
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\bf The Nature of Mankind}
\end{center}
A group of adventurers climbs over the wall, and they see
the garden.  In the middle of the garden, the DM tells them, is 
a Gazebo.

\begin{description}
\item[Player:] What's it doing?
\item[DM:] {\em (Slightly confused)} Uh, nothing. Just sitting there.
\item[Player:] Does it seem to notice us?
\item[DM:] Uh, no, just sitting there.
\item[Player:] Is it asleep?
\item[DM:] It's not moving
\item[Players:] We sneak up and surround it
{\em (detail routes and positions)}. {\bf Attack!!!}
\item[DM:] You've knocked it down.
\item[Players:] Is it moving?
\item[DM:] No\ldots
\item[Players:] Keep attacking. Hack it into little pieces. We don't want to take
any chances.
\item[DM:] Okay.  A few minutes later, an old man with long robes and a big
staff comes out of the house. ``What have you done to my Gazebo?!" he cries.
\end{description}

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Pat Luther\\
\>{\em luther@uop.uop.edu}\\
\>University of the Pacific\\
\>Stockton, California\\
\end{tabbing}

\end{document}
