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\title{Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings}
\author{\copyright1992 Michael McAleese}
\date{mmcalees@csr.uvic.ca}
\maketitle

{\it \noindent
{\Large A}s those of you who keep up the on local celebrities may know, Sauramud is
a wizard of some repute who possesses a shrewd eye on the vagarities of
life as a wizard.  Sooner or later it happened; he was approached by the
\underline{Wizard Weekly News} and asked to write an advice column.  Once the fees
had been discussed, he was more than willing to spread around his brand
of wisdom. The following excerpts from his prolific pontifications
have been reprinted with the \underline{W.W.N.}'s permission.\\}



Dear Sauramud: I'm having a difficult time coming up with the gold to 
obtain spell components and my adventuring companions are loathe to part
with their extra treasure to help me out (the fighter keeps mumbling 
something about saving up for magic plate).  What can I do to convince 
them to be more helpful?

Signed:

     Component Needy\\


Dear Needy:  The next time a magic sword or shield comes into the party's
possession, demand an equal chance for ownership along with the others.  If
they balk because you can't use a sword, insist that you have as much right
to any magic item as the next person does.  If you win possession of it,
make it generally known that you plan to sell it at the first town the
party comes to but that you are open to reasonable offers from the other party
members.  It's amazing how loose the party purse strings can become when
there's the prospect of losing a Magic Sword of Elven Puree.  If this ploy
doesn't work, then spike their rations with belladonna, pry the money out of
their cold dead fingers, and buy yourself a new set of friends.\\

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Dear Sauramud: Last week I was out dungeon-delving with a few good friends
when I had the misfortune to fall into a pit filled with water.  I climbed
out using the cleric as a sort of ladder, and he must have drowned while 
I was standing on his helm.  Here it is, nearly seven days later, and I'm
still being yelled at by the other party members.  They don't even seem to
care that the pages of my spell book are all crinkly now that they've 
dried.  What can I do to stop their endless whining?

Signed:

     Fed Up\\


Dear Fed Up:  Every cloud has a silver lining.  You have to learn to
accentuate the positive in situations like this.  Say things like ``Well at
least we managed to salvage his armor and stuff" or ``I'll bet you're glad
that he wasn't the one carrying the map."  If this doesn't break through
their pettiness, then point out there's now one less way that the treasure
and experience have to be divided up --- that one gets 'em every time!\\

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Dear Sauramud: I'm a beginning wizard and have just discovered that I'm 
not allowed to wear armor.  Who decides this sort of thing?  Isn't there
a vote or something?

Signed:

     Outraged Beginner\\


Dear Outraged: I'm afraid that the truth of the matter is that the gods
hate wizards.  Why else do you think everybody in the party hates their
hardest working member; at low levels because he is exceptionally wimpy,
can't wear armor, can't wield a weapon, and doesn't absorb enough damage to
do much good.  Just wait!  If you live to become one of the elite who can
reduce foes to sizzling strips of bacon with a wave and turn offensive
townees into newts, then everybody hates you because they are afraid of you ---
and you {\em still} can't absorb a lot of damage!  I can never figure out why
people with the highest IQ's are always the ones stupid enough to take up
wizardry as a profession.  If I could do it again, I would have listened to
my mother and become a butcher.\\


Dear Sauramud: The age-old question, which is better for a first spell, 
sleep or magic missile?  I have a gold riding on this one.

Signed:

     Anxiously Awaiting\\


Dear A.A.: You lose --- they're both lousy for a first spell!  Your best bet
is to pick up the shield spell, then learn to hide behind the fighter and
pray until you're fifth level.\\

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Dear Sauramud: I'm not one to poke fun at the misfortunes of others, but
whenever someone else in the party dies I make fun of them incessantly.
What can I do to change?  The other party members are talking about
gagging me, which would play hell with spellcasting.

Signed:

     Not one to talk\\

Dear N.O.T.T.: The problem here is that your party just doesn't appreciate
you as a wizard --- heck, you're the hardest working of that ugly lot and
they rag on you because you get a little chuckle when one of them bites
the big one?  Let's see if {\em they} can laugh when they have to spend hours
and hours every day pouring over a blurry spell book with crinkled pages
while everybody else only has to polish his pig-sticker and pick the dead
bits out of his armor.\\

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Dear Sauramud: No matter how hard I try to disguise myself as a non-mage,
every big ugly monster our party meets immediately spots me as a
magic-user and directs most of their energy to dropping me fast.  Needless to
say, I wind up buying the farm every second adventure.  The rest of the
group is tired of shelling out for raise dead spells, and my health
isn't what it used to be.  Do you have any tips?

Signed:

     Visibly Frustrated\\

Dear Frustrated: It's the unwritten law kid, everybody can peg a wizard!
All you can do is learn to use the rest of the party more to your
advantage.  Hide behind the fighter and shout things like ``Hey big ugly
monster --- the thief over there says your momma dresses you funny!" Get in the
habit of placing inanimate objects between yourself and the monster;
trees, rocks, dwarves --- whatever's handy.  Since most monsters are even
more stupid than a paladin, you can sometimes deflect their wrath away
from yourself by appearing harmless.  Try saying something like ``Gosh!
I wish now that I hadn't {\em used up all of my spells} for today already!"
Then when it's scratching it's big ugly head, give it a lightning bolt up
the schnauz!\\

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Dear Sauramud: I realize this is a little out of your usual column range,
but I need some advice.  I'm a crow and the familiar of a certain wizard
who shall remain nameless.  My problem is that he tends to forget about
my very existence and treats me like I don't exist (aside from the extra
hitpoints he gets)!  I haven't been fed for weeks.  When I signed up
for this job, no one told me room and board wasn't included!  What can I
do to make him notice me?

Signed:

     Fading Fast\\

Dear Fading Fast: You mean some other poor sot got stuck with a {\em crow}
for a familiar?  Couldn't get something really neat like a quaist or a
brownie?!  Must have been Lawful Good --- we're always getting it up the
backside in the rules.  I know one poor sot who got a halibut ---
the rest of the party filleted it when he went back to the Wizards Guild 
to complain.  Now take my lay-about familiar Whatsisname the cro\ldots wait 
a minute!\\

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Dear Sauramud: I can't figure out all this new selection we wizards are
allowed.  Should I specialize in a sphere or not?  And whatever happened
to the days of one profession for all?

Signed:

     Uncertain\\

Dear Uncertain: Real wizards don't need spheres!  Back in my time we
used to get up every morning, rain or shine, pull on the ol' pointy hat 
and knuckle down to some serious study of the spell book.  We didn't worry
about wimpy things like {\em specialization}.  We were real men damnit ---
there was none of this namby pamby I-only-do-spells-dealing-with-kelp.\\

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Dear Sauramud: Is it considered bad form to cast {\it Charm Person} on the
other members of the party to cut down on useless chitchat?  I mean,
they'd just do what I advised anyway, right?  After all, I am chaotic
evil.  I gotta have some fun.

Signed:

     Puzzled About Protocol\\

Dear PAP: You're chaotic evil, and you're worried about protocol?  Would
that I had such problems!  Charm them all you want --- heck, if you're
going to do that, why not just polymorph the lot of them into gorgeous
babes too so you can have some fun after they're charmed!  And whoever
said there weren't any perks to being a wizard?\\

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Dear Sauramud: What's the best place to cast Find Familiar at?  What's the
best kind of familiar to have?

Signed:

     Lonely Apprentice Seeking Furry Friend\\

Dear L.A.S.F.F.: In a word, {\bf don't}!  Have you considered all of the
ramifications of a familiar?  You're just going to have to feed it and
groom it and for what?  A little roving target with your name on it!  If 
you're really lonely for furry friendship, I know a monk in town who rents 
out sheep by the hour.\\


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{\bf Alignment \& Sorrow}\\
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\begin{quote}
Chaotic Evil means never having to say you're sorry.\\

Lawful Evil means never having to mean you're sorry.\\

Chaotic Neutral means you're often sorry, but oh well.\\

Lawful Good means you're just plain sorry.\\

Lawful neutral means that you're sorry but not liable.\\

Neutral good means you're always sorry.\\

Chaotic Good means you're really sorry, but you've got to run.\\

True neutral means that you may be sorry, but then again you may not.\\

Neutral Evil means you're never sorry, you see no need to be sorry, and
you have a good laugh every time someone feels sorry around you.\\

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Thomas Omar Smith\\
\>a.k.a. Tom the non hacker\\
\>{\em ts2a+@andrew.cmu.edu}\\
\>Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA\\
\end{tabbing}
\end{quote}

        {\noindent \bf UPI --- April 3, 1992. Baton Rouge, Louisiana:}\\

        Gary Gygax, the troubled founder of the Dungeons
        and Dragons game (now TSR inc.) and Steven Jackson, the
        creator of a popular rival role playing game, have agreeed
        to settle the question of which game is better during 
        Mardi Gras 1993. The method to resolve the dispute?
        ``Wrestling in jello," said Mr. Gygax. ``Its the only honorable
        way for gentlemen to settle disputes." Mr. Jackson, who's
        company was once raided by the Secret Service because it
        produced a game based on computer hacking, said, ``Gary
        has always been a weenie. He should know that since I'm
        from Texas, I've already wrestled alligators in my swimming
        pool. He should be no problem." 

        The two founders have had many problems during the
        course of their careers. Mr. Gygax's games have been blamed
        for many teenage suicides and are said to encourage occult
        practices. He was also involved in a bitter dispute for
        control of his own business.

        Mr. Jackson's company was nearly bankrupted by
        legal fees when the Secret Service confiscated computers
        and materials from the corporate offices because they
        believed the game \underline{GURPS Cyberspace} was a manual for illegal
        computer hacking. Both men are said to be training daily
        at the level of Olympic athletes for the contest. The loser
        will be required to publically acknowledge that the winner's
        product is vastly superior and that his own is, ``a worthless piece
        of crap\ldots good only as toilet paper."\\


\begin{quote}
``The more things change, the more they stay insane.''
\end{quote}

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