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\title{Weirdies}
\author{and general PC strangeness}
\date{}
\maketitle

{\it \noindent
{\Large T}hough it may be the perrogative of gamers to stray from the
paths of normalcy, this is getting ridiculous.\\}

{\noindent
W}hile looking through my character folder the other day, I came to realize that
it was full of characters who are, well\ldots weird. Like, f'rinstance, Squeaky the
Wonder Rat. Originally, he was a tenth level magic user who drank a potion of
polymorph and assumed the form of a rat in order to scout the area ahead of the
party. Finding another potion, which he couldn't carry (and forgetting about the
{\sf Potion Miscibility Table}), he tested it to see what it was. It was
a potion of delusion. The DM rolled a ``00" for miscibility.
Squeaky is now trapped in rat form and believes that he has always been a rat.
The party had a ring of one wish, and wished him back into a tenth-level mage.
They forgot to specify {\em human}. Squeaky is now a tenth-level magic-user rat.

Other interesting characters include Lowbrow (7'4" hulking Neanderthal, who carries
a battleaxe the size of a telephone pole and has a little horned helmet on his
head. He's a magic user (Str 18, Int 18, Cha 6 --- I made him double-classed). Then
there's Keeph, the
elven magic-user/thief who snuck into a wizard's lair to steal an intelligent
sword and wound up having his consciousness transferred {\em into} a sword.
Anyone else out there have a collection of bizarre characters, or am I just
weird?


\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Benjamin R Pierce\\
\>{\em v124jw4y@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu}\\
\>University at Buffalo\\
\end{tabbing}



{\em You're just weird\ldots}\\

\begin{center}
{\large \bf Oh Gawd\ldots *hic*}
\end{center}

{\noindent
I}n one AD\&D campaign I played in, we had an alcoholic Cleric.  He had to keep
on drinking, or he would get the DT's and couldn't cast spells. His name was
Paul Masson.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Cassandra L. Kinsey ({\em kinsey@nas.nasa.gov})\\
\>Numerical Aerodynamic Simulation Facility\\
\>NASA\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf Lots of Weirdies}
\end{center}

{\noindent
W}eird characters?  Oh, boy.  I seem to be attracted to campaigns full of 'em.

How about:

\begin{itemize}
\item An Undead, alcoholic diplomat whose divinations are disastrous
\item A samurai who cries if you insult him
\item A dervish who dances to the Artsy-Fartsy God
\item A 250 pound elvish opera singer/illusionist who likes pastries (yes, she
had a spear and helmet)
\item A chaos lord traveling incognito on a camel
\item A young vampire whose goals include biting a werewolf, and who's
half-demon due to biting the above-mentioned chaos lord
\item An ent with a phobia for cutting implements
\item A beastmaster with a pregnant, vorpal bunny and a humanoid, kung-fu rabbit.
\item A reporter with a judo belt, a titanium tie/shield, teflon underwear, a
``handkerchief of holding", and an umbrella a la The Penguin from ``Batman"
\item And, in the works, a disgruntled satyr.
\end{itemize}

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Faye Levine\\
\>{\em fl0m+@andrew.cmu.edu}\\
\>Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf Even more Weirdies}
\end{center}


{\noindent
T}he campaign I co-ran had
more than its share of weird characters. They included:

\begin{itemize}
\item A magic-user with a 16 strength, who had been killed and
reincarnated into a nearby mangled corpse --- a fighter. He was
missing his right eye and his left leg from the calf down. Wore an
eyepatch, sported a three-day growth of beard, and drank a lot of beer.
Also carried a longsword just to be {\em the anti-mage}. ``I am {\em not} a
magic-user, damnit!!!"
\item A vegepygmy Ranger with twin axes of hurling. When asked what
would be his {\em hated race}, the player looked in the monster manual
and said {\em Herd Animal}.
\item A Priest of Fertility with an intelligent fungoid symbiote
right arm that he could mold into any desired shape through potions
of Plant Control. When the potions ran out, he was left with a big
tentacle for an arm.
\end{itemize}

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Steerpike Rex\\
\>{\em dbongard@sdcc13.ucsd.edu}\\
\>University of California, San Diego\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf Paladin w/ Magic \& an Attitude}
\end{center}

{\noindent
O}nce upon a time, there was a handsome, lawful good magic user.
This handsome, lawful good magic user was wandering along, minding his
own business, when he was jumped by a pack of nasty, evil creatures.
But just as the biggest, baddest, and meanest of those nasty, evil
creatures was about to put a two-by-four through his head, a bolt of
lightning came from the sky, striking it and the other nasty, evil
creatures dead.  Miraculously, the handsome, lawful good magic user
was spared within a halo of light as the last fingers of lightning
crackled around him and through the now crispy bodies of the nasty,
evil creatures.

This could only mean one thing.  His God had saved him, and he must repay
Him.  And the handsome, lawful good magic user knew there was only one
way to do this.  Become a Paladin.

And so he did.  Sure, he had to train for a while.  But it was worth it.
He could now serve his God while banishing nasty, evil creatures to
the burning, evil place they belonged --- {\em Riverside}.  And boy, it sure was
handy when he could use one of his old magic spells to thwart the nasty,
evil tricks that nasty, evil creatures are wont to play on those poor,
simple Paladins that know only swordplay.

Needless to say, he lived happily ever after.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Trent Lange\\
\>{\em lange@lanai.cs.ucla.edu}\\
\>UCLA Artificial Intelligence Laboratory\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf The Bozo Show}
\end{center}

{\noindent
H}ow about these thieving gnome brothers: Stick E. Fingers, Gimm E. Stuff, and
Man E. Pockets.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Craig A. Hier\\
\>{\em craig@nmt.edu}\\
\end{tabbing}


{\noindent
W}eirdest we ever got were the Ogre Brothers:
Smash Der Ogre, Bash Der Ogre, Mash Der Ogre, Jake Der Ogre (the wimp),
and, of course\ldots Thund Der Ogre --- say it quickly. He has the Sword of Ogres!
Oh, and they rode on rhinos.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Willis F. York\\
\>Purdue\\
\end{tabbing}


{\noindent
I} once played a half orc fighter who was so ugly that he had to wear
a great helm all the time to keep people near him from up-chucking.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Robert L. Zort\\
\>{\em zort@nisc.psi.net}\\
\>{\em zort@uu.psi.com}\\
\>Performance Systems International, Inc.\\
\>Albany, NY\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf Barbarian-Mage?}
\end{center}

{\noindent
I} DM'd an adventure where one of the players
had a Barbarian-Mage (I know how many first edition rules
that breaks, thank you). He wore just the usual fur jockstrap
with a small pouch for spell components and carried the obligatory huge
weapon. He had to introduce himself by taking up the standard Conan pose
and intoning, ``I am Kaarg, Barbarian-Mage," and then slaughtering everyone who
laughed.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=The Archmoron\\
\>{\em apm935b@vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au}\\
\>Computer Centre, Monash University, Australia\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf You Weirdies!}
\end{center}

{\noindent
I} bet you roll up wolves in Bunnies \& Burrows, priests in Red Hot Nuns
on Motorcycles, negative Int Crawdads in
Creeks and Crawdads, and PSH's in Gamma World!  You probably play a
law-abiding citizen in Judge Dread, pick Austria-Hungary in Diplomacy,
and refuse to blow up the world in Nuclear Supremacy!

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Charles K. Hughes\\
\>{\em Ordania-DM@cup.portal.com}\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf Tell me a Secret}
\end{center}

{\noindent
M}y weirdest AD\&D character was Kaisunne, a twisted kensai.
He had a charisma of 5, which I justified by having his lips torn
off in a battle with an owlbear.  He was rather insane, as he would
take deadly offense at even the most harmless slight, slashing away
until the opponent was helpless.  Then, he would put the blade of
his sword to the victim's throat and say, ``Tell me a secret."
If the terrified victim could manage to stutter out a secret which
Kaisunne deemed worth hearing, he would let the victim live with
only a scar, or perhaps a lost hand.  If the secret was not
sufficiently interesting, he killed the guy.

Eventually, he died in a confrontation with a guildmaster
assassin.  The assassin told him the secret
of safely penetrating the guildhouse defenses, then threw poison
needles into his back as he turned away. I pretty much expected
that to happen, after turning my back on an assassin and all, but
I had to stay in character.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=FooDog\\
\>{\em socalgas@eql.caltech.edu}\\
\>Pactech Data \& Research, Inc\\
\>Pasadena, CA\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf Lots \& Lots of Weirdies}
\end{center}

{\noindent
H}ow about:

\begin{itemize}
\item An android hero in {\sf Villains and Vigilantes}, whose designers
programmed him with so many conflicting directives that he made no sense
when he spoke. {\em (``Planet of the apes is my favorite flavor of vinegar. Eat
them vandenberg airport potatoes, son.")}
\item A human fighter in {\sf AD\&D} with 18/00 strength, 18 Con, and 18 Cha but 3
in everything else. His name was Eddie and he was sorta like a 19-year
old kid who had a good heart and was too cute to live, but he was so
stupid he'd attack walls and doors.
\item A human cleric who, while suffering from Insanity, developed a dual
personality. His fighter personality wondered why he carried such sissy
weapons, and his cleric personality just couldn't guess how his clothes
could be so blood soaked.
\item A female ranger in {\sf AD\&D} who donned a girdle of masculinity/femininity
and became a man. She still liked men and was often mistaken for a
homosexual. Our DM didn't run the people around her as being hateful of
gays, but almost everyone felt that {\em he} was insane and should be cured.
The attempts made to cure her were really out of the dark ages\ldots
\item A Lawful Good thief, who practiced his trade to gain first-hand
knowledge of thieves and thus someday serve as the security chief for
his beloved queen. He almost always asked humans and demihumans for
permission to backstab them; if he broke a lock or ruined a trap he left
money for the builder so he could later make repairs; he robbed people
by the ``holdup" method, preferring not to hurt anyone; he bought building
plans so that he would perform his job efficiently; and he actually
acted as party treasurer!
\item A dark elf sorceress with a pet huge spider named Igor; she looked
like a negative photo of Robert Smith of the Cure and used bizarre
spell combinations in combat. She threw light on herself, then turned
herself invisible a lot; monsters sometimes mistook her for a ghost. She
also carried a skull in a bag and used Phantasmal Force to make it look
like a medusa head; she greased every dungeon in the land; and she also
had this fascination with dead, shriveled things.
\end{itemize}

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Charles Anthony Leone\\
\>{\em cl2g+@andrew.cmu.edu}\\
\>Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf Skulls, Bones, \& Mental Breakdowns}
\end{center}

{\noindent
I} once had this human magic user named Ignatz who {\em started}
relatively sane, but once the campaign got going, I found that
it was one of those 90\% magic resistant campaigns.  You know\ldots

\begin{description}
\item[Ignatz:] ``I cast Magic Missiles at the kobold."
\item[DM:] ``Well, he {\em only} has a 10\% magic resistance,
so let's see\ldots you are first level, and that makes your chance\ldots"
\item[Ignatz:] ``Never mind\ldots"
\end{description}

Finally, poor Iggy had a breakdown, partially triggered by the
tragic death of his friend Mezzeron.  As his comrade lay dying in his
arms\ldots

\begin{description}
\item[Ignatz:] ``Fear not brave Mezzeron, for we will get you to a cleric\ldots"
\item[Other player:] ``I think he's dead Iggy."
\item[Ignatz:] {\em (his eyes crossing and uncrossing like juggler's oranges)} ``Then
        I will {\em resurrect} you with my magic." {\em (Babbles off meaningless
        words and makes bizarre gestures)}
\item[Other player:] ``I think you need to be a cleric to resurrect people,
               Iggy."
\item[Ignatz:] ``No, I have brought him back!"  {\em (To Mezzeron's corpse)} ``How
         do you feel, old friend?"
\item[Mezzeron:] {\em (Ignatz is working his jaw up and down and making a poor
          attempt at throwing his voice)}  ``Oh much better, thank you!
          Woooooooooo!"
\item[Other players:] ``He's finally flipped."

               ``Well, he {\em has} been under a lot of stress lately\ldots"
\end{description}

From there on in, Ignatz carried Mezzeron's skull strapped to his
left shoulder, and during stressful periods would consult with him
regarding the party's best course of action.  For example:

\begin{description}
\item[Ignatz:] ``Mezzeron, which branch should we take: right or left?"
\item[Mezzerson:] ``Neither!  Go back to the surface!  Woooooooooooo!"

\item[Ignatz:] ``Mezzerson!  Who is the greatest sorcerer in the world?"
\item[Mezzerson:] ``Why, Ignatz of course!  Wooooooooo!"

\item[Others:] ``Maybe if we took the skull while he was sleeping?"

        ``No way, he'd just get another!"

        ``Yeah, but it wouldn't be Mezzerson."

        ``I don't think he {\em cares}."
\end{description}

And indeed, they were right.  As we destroyed more monsters and lost
more players, Ignatz's skull collection grew to epic proportions.  And
then came the day when he learned how to cast Magic Mouth\ldots

\begin{description}
\item[Other player:] ``You know, Iggy, maybe if you didn't drag that bag of
               skulls around, you might have more room for treasure."
\item[Ignatz:] {\em (Brow furrowed in concentration)} ``I never thought of that!"
        {\em (To his skulls)} ``Hey you guys!  Do you mind if I just bury you?"
\item[Skulls:] {\em (talking without the benefit of Ignatz working their jaw bones)}
        ``Yes!  You said you would resurrect us!"  {\em (assorted
        moanings and wailings)}
\item[Other player:] ``Never mind\ldots"
\end{description}

Ignatz had a Mouth spell for just about every contingency.  Then came one
day when {\em another} party member learned how to cast MM\ldots

\begin{description}
\item[Ignatz:] {\em (after clubbing a kobold to death with his staff)} ``Ha!  That
        creature has {\em paid} for his crimes against society!  Well, what
        do you think of that, Mezzeron?"
\item[Mezzeron:] ``Shut up Ignatz\ !\ !\ !\ !\ !"
\item[Others:] {\em (appropriate sniggering and laughing noises)}
\end{description}

I must say that Ignatz was the most {\em fun} character I ever played (except
for maybe the Harie Krishna monk who used to hand out pamphlets
and sell flowers when he was not busy killing things), and I was genuinely
sorry to leave him when the campaign ended.  I really wished I
had learned to cast Animate Dead before then!  Imagine a smug looking
mage followed by {\em hundreds} of different types of monster skulls, hopping
along by using their jaw bones!


\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Clark Hobbie\\
\>{\em clark@sbstaff2.cs.sunysb.edu}\\
\>State University of New York at Stony Brook\\
\end{tabbing}

\vspace{4in}

\begin{quote}
``If a man looks into a clear pond and sees his reflection\dots
which is the real one, the man?  Or the reflection?"\\

\ \ \ --- Ariel Controna-Decene-Diversonac\\
\end{quote}


\end{document}

