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\title{SEX in Gaming}
\author{or}
\date{Grappling for the Groin in Gregarious if Gooey Adventures}
\maketitle

{\it
{\Large I}f you thought you'd seen everything, think again\ldots}\\


What kind of weird monster-character, monster-monster, and
character-character sexual relations have been encountered in your
gaming experiences.  Let's hear about it!!!

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Christopher Lynn Wilson\\
\>{\em wilson\_c@oxy.edu}\\
\end{tabbing}


Let's not\ldots

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Bob Simpson\\
\>{\em simpson@parc.xerox.com}\\
\>Planet Ten Comics and Games\\
\>San Jose, CA\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf Dragon Bestiality}
\end{center}

Well\ldots I once ran an entire adventure that was just an illusionary castle
created by a bunch of Faye Dragons.  Monsters, treasure, damsels in distress,
the whole thing was faked by about 10 FD's.  After several game days
(and nights) one of the (female) characters finally got wise and figured out
the joke. The rest of the (male) characters had retired with various ladies
of the court --- and woke to find themselves laying on the cold ground
hugging a small pink dragon. {\em (``Surprise!" *KISS* Poof!)} On a roll of 100,
one of them actually conceived and (gods know how) delivered a half-human,
half-FD kid who grew up to be the bane of the party at higher levels.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Robert McLeod\\
\>{\em mcleod@rogue.llnl.gov}\\
\>Lawrence Livermore National Lab\\
\>Livermore, CA\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{quote}
``Half of the Vargr you meet are sons of bitches.
The other half {\em are} bitches!"\\

\ \ \ --- Scott S. Kellogg\\
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf Curse of the IT}
\end{center}

I had items of sex change peppering my world way back when.  I'd made up
a lot of dungeons in advance (I was still in the {\em AD\&D = dungeons} stage).
An elf grabbed an item of sex change and {em poof}
became female.  A remove curse changed him back, but then (s)he got killed
and reincarnated as a female elf. She/it convinced the magic-user to polymorph
him/her/whatever into a male. Then he grabbed {\em another} item of sex change!
He asked the magic user to dispel magic\ldots  I ruled that there was an equal chance
of dispelling the polymorph, dispelling the sex change, or dispelling both
at once.  Both got dispelled.  So what happened?  50/50 chance to be
hermaphroditic or asexual.  He ended up with the nickname ``Uni"\ldots

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Steven King, aka Chelloveck\\
\>Software Archeologist\\
\>{\em veck@ddsw1.mcs.com}\\
\>Macro Computer Solutions Inc.\\
\>Wheeling, IL\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{quote}
``Earth women often feel guilty when
they achieve sexual ecstasy
with mechanical assistance."\\

\ \ \ --- Heavy Metal\\
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf I can't get no-oh\ldots}
\end{center}

In the campaign I'm currently running, one (male) character has a
comeliness of 19 (adjusted by charisma).  Another male character
has a character trait of falling in love easily.  I've had some
fun with that; point a female NPC their direction, the one falls
head-over-heels in love, and the NPC inquires, ``Who's your friend?
Can you introduce us?"

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Janet M. Huss\\
\>{\em jmh@cipric.mn.org}\\
\>Ciprico, Inc., Plymouth, MN\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{quote}
``Reality sucks, but it doesn't swallow."\\
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf Non-Discrimination}
\end{center}

I'm not going to give a lot of details, but I was once in a {\em very} sexually
bizarre AD\&D game.  One of the main characters was named Pevert (his
spelling).  Pevert would rape {\em anything}.  Male/female, live/dead/other,
organic/inorganic, {\em ANYTHING}.  He kept a list of all of the more interesting
things he raped\ldots his favorite was the re-killed dark elven lich king.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Brennan M. O'Keefe\\
\>a.k.a CrayDeath\\
\>{\em bmo1@ra.msstate.edu}\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{quote}
``You stupid insufferable rodent of large size whose sexual
affinity for felines embarrasses your alcoholic prostitute mother
when she isn't too busy sleeping with diseased sheep and consuming
unwholesome leavings from cowfields!''

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Ryerson Schwark\\
\>{\em ry@cbnewsl.att.com}\\
\>UNIX System Laboratories, Summit, NJ\\
\end{tabbing}
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf Babe with a Broom}
\end{center}

In a college campaign where we were all being a bit silly, and the DM
had us stay the night at an evil witch's house.  The witch was an
ugly old bat, but as a mistress of illusion, she took the
appearance of a luscious babe and we, the players, competed openly for
her favors.  I won and enjoyed a night of bliss. In the morning, however,
the DM revealed her ugly true self, hoping we would axe the old
hag.  My character was unabashed and asserted that ``she was quite
experienced" and that ``no {\em real} women could have been that good."
We happily waved goodbye and promised to stay again whence next
we passed that way.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Dakin Burdick\\
\>{\em burdickd@copper.ucs.indiana.edu}\\
\>Indiana University, Bloomington\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{quote}
``Hey, baby --- wanna do some {\em heat transfer}? Heh, heh, heh!"\\

\ \ \ --- Mechanical Engineers On The Prowl\\
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf Be mah Woman}
\end{center}

Me and several members of my party once hired a group of orcs
to rape one of our party members. I don't think {\em he} enjoyed it
at all.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Radman\\
\>aka Ashman, Ashdude, Ashley Bowers\\
\>{\em c\_s346010219@stat.appstate.edu}\\
\>Appalachian State University\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{quote}
``Calm down, have some dip\ldots"\\

\ \ \ --- George Carlin\\
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf What is Good for the Goose\ldots}
\end{center}

How many DM's love to breed party Discontent? Last night, while I was running, a new
member of the party wanted to know a little about the rest of the party. He
cast a know alignment spell on all the members\ldots including the paladin and ranger.
To get revenge on the little shit (he was a dwarven priest), the thief used his
ring of invisibility and followed the dwarf. When the dwarf got near a female,
the thief goosed her and made it look like it was the dwarf who had the honors.
After doing this several times, the poor dwarf got arrested for public
misbehavior. The thief, when he heard about this, used his disguise nonweapon
proficiency to make himself look like an old man, and then he went to the trial.\\

Since there were witnesses to these goosings, the dwarf was found guilty but no
suitable punishment could be agreed upon until one old man (the thief) spoke up
and suggested that all women who could be gathered should give the dwarf a
goose each\ldots The
party never let the poor fellow live it down.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Jason Boardman\\
\>{\em jaboardman@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu}\\
\end{tabbing}


\begin{quote}
``Maybe we should use a bigger gun\ldots"\\

\ \ \ --- The Elder Dan\\
\end{quote}

\begin{center}
\parbox{1.5in}
{\large \sf And now for something completely different\ldots}
\end{center}

\begin{center}
\parbox{2.5in}
{\it {\large O}n his most holy reverend's excursions concerning the
misunderstood apparitions commonly associated with the least of
the mighty lords, that essence of dwarfdom's utter contempt, he
who rideth the war donkey in a variety of intimate postures\ldots}
\end{center}

\begin{center}
{\large \bf Bangrod Strongdong, Lesser God}
\end{center}

\begin{center}
{\em
\begin{tabular}{ll}
Race:& Dwarven\\
Sphere:& Perversity\\
Color:& Rusty Crimson\\
Symbol:& Phallic\\
Alingment:& Horny\\
\end{tabular}
}
\end{center}

\parindent=30pt

{\noindent
A}s Durin GodKing admitted to Malachai on his decent from the
midget throne and to the eternal humiliation and degradation of
his brethren, the Dwarven race is in half-part the product of
the {\em grae-dig} earthen slug, and thus dwarves are subject to all
the passions tenderly associated with these most wretched of worms.

It is then of little surprise that the Dwarven Pantheon, whilst
revered for its many shining gems: Moradin, Berronar,
Clanggedin, Dumathoin, and Vergadain among others, it is also
known for its fallen sons, the two most prominent being Abbathor
and Bangrod.

The concentration of our study is on this last figure whose very
existence, though quite certain, remains shrouded in enigma. Of
what we do understand, the following can be said with relative
certainty.

\begin{center}
{\bf The Cult's History}
\end{center}

{\noindent
B}angrod Strongdong, known also as {\em Saint Kittybalz} and appearing
under various guises, first made his appearance in the Dimimar
following the Edanic triumph over the GodKing. It was perhaps
this humiliation which spawned his power, for in those cold wastes
of the UnderUrth, an orgy of blood and other bodily fluids did arise,
the midgetfolk of dwarven and goblin and jinxkin and sprite
taken firmly by an unearthly possession; thus, the great
mixing did occur, giving rise to whole offshoots of the races,
their strains robust and hardy from the wild blood thus
introduced. It was here that many thaumaturges dawned upon the
methods by which interspecies mixing might transpire and be
successful, the blending of body and mind and spirit made
complete and henceforward indivisible.

However, the mixing did occur with its expected share of
bloodshed, the raids for reproductive rights wrecking havoc in
the Edanic domain so that the conquerors were disgusted and
repelled by the midget races, untamed by even the hand of man. In
this way, though less a victory of might than attrition, the men
returned to their surface world, their cities of the deep
stagnant and soon overrun by all manner of madness.

The Dwarves, having finally unshackled the chains of oppression,
ceased to behave as animals, and in one mighty cry did give
thanks to Bangrod, their savior; though the price of freedom did
bespeak a shame so great that its purveyor should never be
forgiven.

Bangrod's worship was outlawed as the dwarven civilization
rekindled its flame, and though never of its former brightness,
the dwarves did manage to stamp out his religion in all save a
few outcasts and renegades. However, among the lesser midgets, the
worship of Bangrod persisted, particularly in those strains which
were borne of his era and which never remerged with their former
kin. Thus, the Church of Bangrod, though not an official
monument, is indeed a sturdy structure which all the guilt and
shame of a dirty rebellion could never topple entirely.

\begin{center}
{\bf Incarnations}
\end{center}

{\noindent
W}hen Bangrod appears on the prime material plane, he usually takes his
form in one of many incarnations, the most common being an old
geezer of a dwarf warrior, leading Rusty, his crimson-brown
war-donkey at a feeble and broken pace. His lewd suggestions have the
power of charming females of various races into doing his
bidding, and his power may extend to males on frequent occasion.
To back this peculiarity, he is often accompanied by his loyal
servant-retainer, a rather short and flat-headed dwarf who most
often reponds to the name of {\em Blowjobo}. The Tower {\em Phumph},
Bangrod's mighty if phallic fortress, may also reside in close proximity
on those rare encounters where his following is particularly devout.

Of course, being the ``father" of many half-breeds, Bangrod, his
donkey, and his servant may take a variety of forms, the ugliness
and perversion of each being determined with respect to the
proximity and type of his worshipers. As an interesting sidenote,
it is important to clarify that unlike many of the other gods,
Bangrod derives his power from his following. When it disappates
(or is slain), so also will he.

Bangrod commonly wields a phallic war-mace and is very proficient
in the lance as well, his brown steed often wearing rusty armor
regardless of clime. His barbarian tendencies often lead to
bloodshed for the sake of his perversion, however his servant,
though excessively loyal, has on occasion demonstrated greater
wisdom and kindness than the master and has, in rare cases, turned
aside from his servitude in favor of achieving a greater good.

\begin{center}
{\bf Worshipers}
\end{center}

{\noindent
D}espite their questionable origins and malicious natures,
worshipers of Bangrod are said to be accorded certain advantages
by their diety in the arts of womanizing and wrecking havoc, luck
often turning a favorable smile upon those who practice their
faith most dearly. Summoning of the God often requires some
precious sacrifice such as the virginity of a princess or some
other such ``human" commodity. Gold and jewels and especially
mithril also have their place, as Bangrod is dwarven and
appreciates the value of a precious items, however unlike his
brethren, he values ``personal treasures" even more highly.

One particular summoning ritual requires the sacrifice of one's
penis. Purportedly, if the worshiper believes strongly enough in
the God's powers, a new and stronger one will grow it its place.
Thus, ironic as it may seem, many of Bangrod's worshipers are
self-castrated eunuchs. This ``swindling of the family jewels" as
many critics consider the practice, has led some divine mages to
question whether Bangrod is bucking for a position as the dwarven
God of swindlers and thieves, however, to state any more on this
topic would be pure conjecture.

Finally, worshipers of Bangrod, if particularly devout, learn a
cult tongue, one of the prerequisites for entering Bangrod's
priesthood. By these means, devoutees communicate across racial
lines. How widespread this language has flourished is not clear,
however, the fact that it has borrowed heavily from various midget
tongues tends to lend it credence as a legitimate field of study.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Jim Vassilakos\\
\>{\em jimv@ucrmath.ucr.edu}\\
\>U.C. Riverside, CA\\
\end{tabbing}



\begin{center}
{\Large \bf Hail to St. Kittybalz}
\end{center}

\begin{quote}
M'lord, permit one so humble (of thee we sing, Lord of Phumph) to speak of his
own piece of pulsating pork.  Wide as the oceans, mighty the gods above, yea
equal in might to Zeus, the all father, towering and majestic, even as the
throne of the gods, Mount Olympus.  Upon smiting the earth with my mound of
meat, all planes of creation each with the sound of 1,000 thunderbolts!
From the very depths of vile Hades to the highest plane of bliss doth the
echo ring out, and from every voice let fly the cry: ``So shaketh the planes,
needs must be the throbbing member of he whose manhood knows no bounds!
No sock can contain it, no breeches, no city block may tame its expansiveness!
Aye, so soundeth the gong of the mightily endowed Ranger!!!!''\\

And yet, even with all knowing expansity and girth in man, the epitome of all
that is man, there is but one other, the {\em All} Father, the wellspring from
which semen flows, the exalted one who sits on high (high atop his all
screwing phallus), our lord and personal messiah, {\em Saint Kittybalz},
who may surpass all my efforts of hugeness.\\

I bow to you sir, to your might and girth, in the name of the all
father, the semen, and the holy orgasm, let it be know by all life, be it
animal, mortal, or god, that I, the incredible bulk, do humbly submit to
the aegis of your presence and speaketh unto you these word, oh noblest
of gods: ``Shit Howdy!''\\


And may your plethora of phallic passions for pubics be public!\\
\end{quote}

\ \ \ --- The Long Ranger\\

\vspace{2in}

\begin{quote}
``Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive."\\

\ \ \ --- Bugs Bunny\\
\end{quote}

\end{document}
