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\title{Cruel DM Torture Table}
\author{Neuromancer \and Silver \and Whizzard \and Scourge \and Sandman}
\date{}
\maketitle
\setcounter{page}{138}

{\it
{\Large O}kay! So you're a chaotic-evil DM, and you've gotten tired thinking
up new ways to make life miserable for your players. Now they're beginning
to think you're a pansy, a pushover, and you're beginning to feel like one.
If this is beginning to sound like ``Your Career as a Gamester'' then this
table is your sickest, most demented, perverse, twisted, yuchy-foo dream cum true.
Forget logic, screw the plot\ldots just break out your trusty percentile
and prepare to chow down some PC-fodder! And as you wreck carnage,
remember, the point of the game is just to have fun\ldots heh heh heh.\\}

\begin{enumerate}

\item Character is granted a small keep, which appears 20 feet above him 
  and falls crushing him. The keep is destroyed in the fall. PC takes
  20d100 damage from falling keep.

\item Character finds a ring of eternal orgasm.

\item Character is forced to convert to Rune Quest rules.

\item Character is transformed into Bobby Brady, PC's stats are now:
  STR: 5, INT: 5; WIS: 5; DEX: 5; CON: 5; CHR: 5; CMS: 5.
  The character is now looks like a goofy kid from the 70's in 70's
  brat clothing.

\item Character is buried in cement up to his head.  The character can
  still eat and breath, but is stuck in a block of cement. (Note to
  DM: This may not seem so bad, but just think of how the other
  characters will try and get him out.)

\item A suit of +5 platemail appears around the character, but it's
  unremovable. Also it's full of itching powder.  Nothing will remove
  it except a wish.  But, underneath that suit of armor is another  
  suit of armor that is exactly like the first suit (if this is 
  wished off another one is under that one).  Because of constant 
  itching that character gets --8 to DEX rolls and attacks.

\item A large stone block falls on the character and does 7d8 damage. 
  This is followed by a fine spray of acid which dissolves the block 
  and possibly the character too, another 11d12 damage.  If the 
  character is still alive he is sucked up towards the ceiling (if 
  there is no ceiling, one appears. DM: laugh at player) where 18 
  bastard swords (+8) await him which hit him automatically! If the 
  character is still alive, let him live\ldots he deserves it. Or you 
  could do it again. Or run him through Grimtooth's Traps.

\item PC is polymorphed into a pizza and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
  (the cute cartoon ones) eat him alive. Pizza! Cowabunga!

\item DM appears and casts skin to air on the PC.  Since the PC is now 
  missing all his skin he bleeds to death in 1d4--5 rounds. If the 
  character wants to counteract this he must have his PLAYER to pay 
  the DM 10 bucks. 

\item Head Explodes (you're dead, but you still take 2d100 damage)

\item Hand is CrAzY Glued to the nearest persons butt.  Take 1d12
   damage in removal.

\item Diminish Pigment (you look white as ghost --5 CMS)

\item Butt becomes five times larger. Armor and clothing no longer fit.

\item Gangrene. Roll d8 for location:

\begin{center}
\begin{tabular}{|clccl|}
\hline
1 & Head \& Neck & \ \ \ \ \ & 5 & Left Arm\\ 
2 & Right Arm    &   & 6 & Right Leg\\
3 & Left Leg     &   & 7 & Right Hand  \\
4 & Left hand    &   & 8 & Lower Torso\\
\hline
\end{tabular}
\end{center}

\item Fungus grows in genital areas.

\item Character gain venereal disease. Roll d10 to determine type:

\begin{enumerate}
      \item Mutant Crabs (do 1d4/bite)
      \item Ork Rot
      \item Genital Wart
      \item Herpes
      \item Dwarven Itch (only scratched by mining pick)
      \item Rot Grub
      \item Your {\em part} falls off.
      \item Crabs
      \item Green Slime
      \item 7 Day Itch
\end{enumerate}

\item Female Phobia.  Character must roll save as. poison or run in fear
   when any females are present.

\item Character is attracted to the gender of other, not male or female.

\item Gain a glossy reflective forehead.

\item Attracted to no one except one's self.

\item Large thick chunks of hair grow on palms.

\item PC is polymorphed into a dung beetle.  Even if polymorphed back  
   character still has a fascination with rolling dung into balls.

\item Character grows 3 foot long butt hair.

\item Character's hand becomes melded between legs.

\item Instant sex change

\item Instant Vasectomy

\item Asmodeus commands that PC must always wear pink armor and cloths
   upon threat of death. PC will constantly be made fun of.

\item Character permanently smells like tuna fish.

\item Diminish brain (--10 to INT).

\item All gold in PC's possession, not necessarily with the PC, turns
   into small cans of worthless spam.  If PC attempts to eat spam it
   will immediately jumps out of the can and try to eat character.
   See the Spam stat in the monster section of this magazine.

\item Character becomes the world's worst Elvis impersonator.  Character
   will lose 50% EXP from each game if they do not put words like:
   Yep, Uh-Huu, Momma Baby, Uh Wubba Wubba Ahh-Hawww, Yup; in each   
   sentence they say.  Even worse they have to dress like Elvis in 
   every adventure (snappy dresser!) or lose all EXP for that    
   adventure!  (I suggest the DM should have NPC's tell the 
   character that he's ``Nutt'n but ah hound dog")

\item Character's leg hair grows at a visible rate.  (--9 CMS).

\item Character loses all body hair permanently, except for hands.  Then
   the character also gains the effects of number 21. (see above).

\item All garments worn (including armor) becomes permanently melded to
   body, forced removal will kill character.

\item Character is condemned to Disco Hell, a plane that is a giant     
   disco club that plays nothing but John Travolta music.

\item Character gains the permanent smell of ogre dung.

\item Character instantly grows 12 inch long arm pit hair.  Every
   attempt the hair is shaved off it will instantly grow back twice
   in length in only a matter of seconds.

\item Roll three times.

\item Character is immediately assaulted by a large group of insurance
   salesmen.  Save vs. Insanity or become a drooling moron and buy
   3,000,000 GP worth of pinky insurance.  {\em Salesman: Yah, pinkies 
   are always being cut off by mad dragons and so forth.}

\item Character is instantly charmed and then sends everything they
   own (this includes deeds to land and property) to Jim and Tammy
   Baker.

\item A large Nazi Panzer tank appears out of nowhere and rolls over top
   of PC, PC take 5d100 damage. After the character has been turned  
   into a pancake the panzer tank commander will pop his head out of
   the turret and says in a heavy German accent: ``That'll teach you to
   fuck with the DM!"

\item All rations carried by PC is instantly turned into Troll meat.
   Within 3d6 rounds the rations will have regenerated into full
   sized trolls.  For every day of rations the PC has will turn into 
   three trolls.

\item d20 leeches appear in character's genital areas.  They can only 
   be removed by fire.

\item Character farts, sneezes, hiccups, coughs, burps, shits, pisses, 
   pukes, cries, nose runs, ear drums explode splattering earwax 
   everywhere, at the same time, character explodes leaving a pile of
   assorted bodily excretions. {\em Audience: Ewwwwwwwww!!!!!!! DM: He  
   never looked better!}

\item 100,000 pamphlets for medicare fall out of the sky onto the     
   character leaving a large number of paper cuts.  Then a hill of 
   salt falls onto the character.  {\em DM: Oops! Someone spilt the 
   Morton! Critic: The salt added a bit of FLAVOR to the torture, two
   thumbs up!}

\item Character gets a suit of Francium-coated platemail, then it rains.
   For all you idiots out there (munchkins), the element Francium 
   reacts violently with water, in other words it goes {\bf BOOM!} The DM
   can decide on the damage, but don't be nice.

\item Character is forced to drink a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. The 
   utterly wonderful drink created by the former galactic president 
   Zaphod Beeblebrox.  This is the best alcoholic drink in the
   galaxy. The only problem is the effects of drinking one is like  
   having your brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a
   large gold brick. The effects of drinking a Pan-Galactic Gargle
   Blaster are:

\begin{itemize}
    \item --10 STR, this effect lasts for 2d6 years.
    \item 3 INT, most of the brain cells were killed off.
    \item PC looks really bad for four days.
    \item PC has hangover for four YEARS. (DM: Laugh)
    \item --8 DEX, PC can't stop shaking.
    \item +1 CON, if he can come through this he's a tough dumbshit!
    \item --1000000 gold for rehabilitation fees.
    \item DM must constantly make fun of the character.
\end{itemize}

\item Your dick splits like a banana. For the females out there it
   implodes!! (DM: Gee, you feel a draft, OR, I guess no one is going
   to CUM to your rescue. Audience: Groan!)

\item A large flock of Rocs fly overhead and take a BIIIIIIIIIIG shit! 
   The character must use the drowning rules.

\item A tornado come by and transports PC to Oz where you meet MUNCHKINS
   who sing to you very cutely.  Save vs. Insanity or die from
   extreme cuteness. If PC makes roll he becomes a munchkin. Stats:
   Who cares, your character is screwed anyways!


\item PC is forced to listen to rap music till he likes it.  When he 
   finally likes rap his INT has been reduced to 3. (Note: If you are
   insulted by this, well good!)

\item Neuromancer plays Dead Kennedys on his guitar. Take 10d1000
   Damage. (If you heard him, you would understand. Neuromancer: hits
   Silver with guitar for that comment)

\item Character reads Torture Table and laughs their ass off. Character
   loses --5 CMS because he/she lacks an ass.

\item A one inch layer of vacuum forms around the PC. Give graphic
   description of the horrible death (See Total Recall).

\item A dimension door opens up and a steam roller rolls over the PC. 
   The PC isn't dead just flat on their back (I mean real flat, like
   wow George! That is a really flat dude.)

\item PC appears on a seatless bicycle --- naked (DM take it from here).

\item Attacked by a woman with an Epilady. Suffer immense pain and
   embarrasement. (You were killed by a what??!!)

\item PC walks through tomato patch. When they step on a tomato, 1d100
   small killer tomatoes and 1d50 large killer tomatoes attack. In
   the background the theme from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes can
   be heard.

\item Character's rations are turned into dorm cafeteria food.  When  
   eaten character must roll Save vs. Poisons or take 2d6 damage.

\item PC is forever haunted by the ghosts of Sir Robin's minstrals.
   PC must make weekly rolls on Save vs. Insanity or go insane.

\item Character is instantly teleported into a torture chamber where he
   is tied with his back to the open side of a rat cage.  A fire 
   appears underneath the cage, the cage does not burn, but the rats 
   go crazy trying to escape.  They slowly eat through the PC's back 
   to escape.  They first claw through the outer layers of skin and 
   then through the muscle before gnawing through the rib cage into 
   the soft, tastey organs, before ripping out the lungs and 
   devouring the heart. Finally they tear through the chest and 
   escape.  Normally the PC is dead at this point; however, there is 
   a slim chance that he/she might survive, unable to do anything but
   writhe in pain till the conclusion of the game (unless, of course,
   he/she is devoured by wild animals or cannibals)
   (Special graphic descripton by guest writer Lee Finney)

\item Character looks exactly like James T. Kirk (William Shatner).
   He now will be followed constantly by Trekkies (in costume) who
   ask him questions like: What was your locker combination in 
   episode 324?  What was the name of the security officer who    
   was killed from the alien virus in episode 431?

\item Character gains a Ring of Fly Paper Touch. (See {\em Magic Items})

\item Roll five times.

\item Character is attack by a stampede of sex crazed rhinos.  Their 
   gender will be opposite of the character.  DM: Don't hold back 
   with your perversion.

\item Character has a painful itch underneath toenails and fingernails. 
   Character will take a --5 to DEX and +5 to AC until they cut the 
   nails off (1d4 damage) and scratch the bloody remains.  When 
   remove they have a --3 CLM.  (DM: Don't you hate an itch you can   
   never scratch. PC: I'm gonna kill the writers!)

\item Character must always talk backwards or lose 1000 EXP per game.  
   If they do talk backward they get the nice bonus of an extra 10 
   EXP for good role-playing (Bwahahahahaha!).

\item Character gives birth.  If the PC is a male they have a butt baby.

\item What does this number mean boys and girls? This means the DM can
   be as perverted as he/she wants\ldots but more than us (which is 
   impossible, so try your best.)

\item Small black hole replaces PC's asshole.  Everything in game world 
   is sucked into it. (Put a boogy in your butt! Put a Tree in your 
   butt! Put Tiamat up your butt!  Put Zeus up your butt! Put the 
   Abyss up your butt! etc\ldots)

\item Character's butt and face change places.  This may not make much
   of a difference for Dwarves.

\item Character becomes a masochist. PC must inflict 10 damage to them 
   self a day or lose 1000 EXP per day.

\item Character's genitals become razor sharp (male or female), the next
   person they have sex with will try and kill them for what they
   did.

\item Every god, demi-god, demon, dragon, or living organism with an intelligence
   above one will want to kill him.

\item When ever the room becomes silent the character will fart and fart
   like no other fart ever farted before.  The smell will kill plants
   and curdle milk.  Actually this fart casts stinking cloud ten times
   which lasts for two hours.  This also leaves a large hole in the 
   rear area of the PC's armor (even magic armor, AC +5).

\item Character's genitals come to life and are able to speak.  They
   will receive an ego of 20 and will be attracted to people with a 
   CMS below 4, especially orcs and ogres.  The genital area will 
   constantly complain about how it doesn't get enough sex and often
   complain how dirty underwear is. (Gosh! Do you ever wash these 
   things!?!)

\item Character is attack by their own socks.  See bestiary section of 
   magazine for socks stats.

\item Character melts with contact with water, PC does not know this.
{\em Witch: Help! I'm melting!}

\item When ever the character takes a shit, Limburger cheese comes out.
   The smell is so bad that they must roll Save {\em vs.} Death or drop
   dead.

\item Character is instantly turned into a Kobold.  No stats can be
   above eight.

\item A large Venus Fly Trap appears and the PC perceives this as the 
   most beautiful woman (or handsome man) they have ever seen. The PC
   will drop his/her pants and will, well\ldots you know (cough cough\ldots
   Bahahahahahahahahahaa).

\item Character's underwear becomes a full set of knives.

\item Character's CHR plunges to a --10.  He/she now has the 
   personality of Morton Downy Jr. {\em Moron Downy Jr.: You candy ass 
   liberal Democratic commie satanic role-player!}

\item Roll 10 times.

\item Character spontaneously combusts.  Give a graphic description of
the sight and smells the other characters experience. {\em DM: There is
the smell of slowly roasted dog food and Bob seems to explode from
within, showering you with small, flaming particles of Bob flesh.
You gag and run away very quickly in the general direction of the
bushes.}

\item Character is suddenly and irrevocably transformed into an ant.
Character looks like an ant, smells like an ant, tastes like an
ant, and of course\ldots is an ant.   FOREVER!!!!

\item Character's genitals shrink to 1/1000th their original size.  This
is a true ego buster and should not be used on the same character
more than once. {\em DM: (holding up a
grain of sand)  This, folks, is actual scale. PC: WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!}

\item Character becomes a member of the Hell's Angels and must endure
the initiation.  PC is pummeled by a pack of plump bikers (1d20 DMG).
Then, character is force fed a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
If he survives this ordeal, he is asked where he wants his tattoo.
The cross eyed tattoo artist then puts tattoos all over his body,
except that one spot.  PC is then pummeled once again, dragged
behind several choppers, mangled, mashed, beaten, bloodied, and
just generally hurt badly.  Finally, he/she must ride a chopper
off of a ten foot cliff.  Unfortunately, the PC, unable to steer
the motorcycle, plunges it over a 2000 ft cliff.

\item Mickey mouse hat (with ears) sprouts from PC's head.  This hat is
unremovable by any means short of divine intervention {\em Zeus: 
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Me help you? Bahahahahahaha!}

\item Party finds a {\em Jockstrap of Constriction}.  It inflicts 1d4 damage per
round, until 4 rounds have passed.  It then falls to the ground,
along with the PC's balls.  PC then sprouts a cucumber where it
had been.

\item PC is inflicted with {\em Whizzard's Touch}. Anything he touches turns
to spam, unless he wants it to.  A truly sadistic DM could have
hours of fun and enjoyment tormenting the poor sap. {\em DM: All right
your +10000 sword is changed to a spam sword with dissolves on
contact.}

\item If PC is a female, then she is challenged to a joust.  The lance
strikes home in a very tender spot.  Do you know where?  Take a
wild guess folks, I'm sure you know this one. {\em DM: ouch.}

\item Reverse gravity is permenantly cast upon the PC's private
portions.  Any natural function (pissing etc.) will fly into their
face.  The PC will begin to soil their pants anytime combat
starts. {\em PC: CCHHHAAARRRR\ldots glumph\ldots urk\ldots oh god!}

\item All other PCs perceive the victim as their greatest fear.  They
will, of course, attempt to disbelieve.  Then the illusion
changes, revealing the victim as an enemy illusionist, who is
waving a glowing wand and wearing 10 glowing rings. The other PCs
will probably jump and kill him in their greed.  Then the illusion
fades and those of good alignment will kill themselves out of
remorse. Those of evil or neutral alignment, will have it changed
to good and {\em then} kill themselves.

\item The party finds a black box with a note attached.  It says ``If
you press this button, we will give you 1,000,000 platinum pieces.  However,
someone will die."  The PC will probably eventually push it. When
they do, a million platinum pieces will appear as promised\ldots with
another note.  This one says ``If you press the button again, we
will immortalize you and give you powers beyond your imagination."
If pressed again, the PC is transformed into an adamantium statue.
I'll bet they never imagined that would happen.


\item PC is transported back in time to the big bang.  The PC is the
critical mass of matter that mixes with antimatter and sets off
the creation of the universe.  However, contrary to popular
belief, the PC does not become God.  He does in fact, become
very, very dead.

\item PC falls off the universe into the great void of ideas.  He must
then fill the void with ideas, which will take approximately
99,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 millenia.

\item Character is forced to spend an hour with the writers of this
   table.  Save {\em vs.} Death Magic at --32 or go insane!

\item All of the above.

\item The PC is teleported to a lower dimension of Hell where 100
    Ernests (Hey, Verne), and Pee Wee Hermans (I meant to do that)
    torture the character for eternity. This is the worst thing we 
    could think of. {\em EVIL GRIN}

\item This entry was deleted because it was too twisted, sick and demented. The last
    two people who read it died from internal hemorrhaging (We were
    unaffected). The editor of this magazine barely survived by
    gnawing his own leg off. In fact, there was another author
    originally, but his own large intestine, in an attempt to save
    life and civilization, leapt up through his neck and throttled
    his brain.

\end{enumerate}

\end{document}


"Damn, you guys are sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-everyone who knows us


   "Yes, yes.  What's your point?"

                         -Whizzard



   "I dont know what is worse, this Torture Table or Pee Wee's
    Playhouse"
                                    -Silver


   "No, no, no!  You forgot Texas Charly's Chainsaw Circus juggling
   act extravaganza!"

-Neuromancer
