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\title{Famous Last Words}
\author{{\em spotter@eve.wright.edu} \ \ $\cdot$ \ \ tkuster \ \ $\cdot$ \ \
Shawn Long \ \ $\cdot$ \ \ Hills \\
The Elder Dan \ \ $\cdot$ \ \ Lydia Leong  \ \ $\cdot$ \ \ Charles Anthony Leone}
\date{\small {\em presto}  \ \ $\cdot$ \ \ {\em arrvid} \ \ $\cdot$ \ \ Shelby  \ \ $\cdot$ \ \ {\em Spiten} \ \  
$\cdot$ \ \ Meggan  \ \ $\cdot$ \ \ Ray  \ \ $\cdot$ \ \ Jay  \\ 
Mike  \ \ $\cdot$ \ \ Ed  \ \ $\cdot$ \ \  Scott  \ \ $\cdot$ \ \ Lenz  \ \ 
$\cdot$ \ \ Buck  \ \ $\cdot$ \ \ Joel Lovell}
\maketitle
\setcounter{page}{119}

{\it {\Large H}ere are the famous last words of a few folks who crossed that narrow line
between heroic and\ldots well\ldots not-so-heroic (to put things mildly). However
ignoble their collective demise, at least these characters got in the last word;
and isn't that what it's all about? Without further ado, the famous last words:\\}

\begin{itemize}
\item{``Oops\ldots"}
\item{``I never get to have any fun!"}
\item{``You mean {\em they} get to use the critical hit chart too?"}
\item{``Hey, I know a dragon when I see one."}
\item{``What do you mean the whole room we're in detects as a trap?"}
\item{``Hey you! Frost Giant! How's the weather up there?"}
\item{``Just watch, I bet I get the one item that's cursed."}
\item{``I'm invincible!"}
\item{``Don't worry.  I know what I'm doing!"}
\item{``Stop!"}
\item{``A sign labeled `pit'?  I walk up to it."}
\item{``No problem.  That's easy!"}
\item{``Hey, I found it.  I'm keeping it."}
\item{``I think we'll have to reason with him."}
\item{``Hah! I'm not dead yet.  I still have five hit points."}
\item{``Oh, no.  We're being rescued.  How embarrassing!"}
\item{``Yeah, I know it's dangerous, but think of the experience points."}
\item{``I cast a {\em stoneskin}.''}
\item{``I stand right underneath the Fire Giant and point my wand straight up."}
\item{``What piiiitttttt????" {\em (Thud)}}
\item{``Don't worry.  I've got a plan."}
\item{``They can't see me.  I'm invisible!"}
\item{``I wonder what's in here?"}
\item{``He wouldn't try that trick again!"}
\item{``Trust me, guys."}
\item{``Just because you're a dragon doesn't mean you can push {\em me} around."}
\item{``They don't look so tough."}
\item{``I'm {\em sure} there are no traps."}
\item{``I actively disbelieve!"}
\item{``What do you mean trolls regenerate!?!"}
\item{``Here kitty, kitty, kitty\ldots"}
\item{``I'll open it."}
\item{``It seems easy enough\ldots"}
\item{``I think he can be trusted."}
\item{``Those noises are probably nothing."} 
\item{``I'll pull the lever."} 
\item{``Money!''}
\item{``Magic is for wimps."}
\item{``Oh.  He'll miss.  Just look at my AC."}
\item{``Oh no!  Let's go help them!"}
\item{``Run away!"}
\item{``I want to kill something\ldots"}
\item{``All clear, guys."}
\item{``Gummy werebears? They should be cake to kill once they turn human."}
\item{``Waitaminute\ldots didn't the old man say something about a curse?"}
\item{``I stand on the big {\large $\times$}."}
\item{``Hey, where'd all the big spiders come from?"}
\item{``Okay, Ed, your underwear explodes\ldots"}
\item{``Bob, you have any grenades left? Throw me one\ldots"}
\item{``No, Friend Computer! I'm happy! Really, really HAPPY!"}
\item{``Um, Ed, your underwear explodes again\ldots" \\ \vspace*{-.1in}

``AGAIN!?!?!"}
\item{``He shot out my eye? Okay, I tear out my other eye and throw it at
him as a gesture of defiance."}
\item{``I need to speak with your Team Leader. Where is he?" \\ \vspace*{-.1in}

``Welp, lessee now. That puddle of ooze is his fourth clone. The pile
of ashes there was his third. Don't know what happened to his second one.
And his first clone is someplace down near R\&D with both his eyes missing."}
\item{``Ed, your underwear explodes again\ldots" \\ \vspace*{-.1in}

``But I requisitioned asbestos lining this time, remember?" \\ \vspace*{-.1in}

``Aaaaah, yes, of course. Okay, you only take Column 6 damage this time."}
\item{``I pull the metal ring out of the sphere." {\em (Recognize a Holy Hand
Grenade, folks?)}}
\item{From Star Frontiers: Knight Hawks,}
\begin{description}
\item[UPF Player 1:] ``With my crippled battleship next to the Sathar
flagship, I initiate self destruct."
\item[Sathar Player 1:] ``I initiate self destruct so I can blow him up first,
and get his assault scouts too."
\item[Sathar Player 2:] ``Hey, my last ship's surrounded. I can get 5 of 'em
if I blow up. I initiate self destruct."
\item[Sathar Player 3:] ``My fighters are gone, and my carrier is too damaged.
It will never make it back to base. I initiate self-destruct."
\item[UPF player 2:] ``If they blow themselves up we get no points. My scouts
congregate here and initiate self destruct."
\item[UPF Player 3:] ``My ships will never get away in time. I surround the
light cruiser and initiate self destruct too."
\item[UPF Player 4:] ``Well if you're gonna do it\ldots"
\item[Sathar Player 4:] ``Hell, why not? Me too\ldots"
\end{description}
\item{``This is a push-over dungeon."}
\item{``Maybe this wasn't such a good idea."}
\item{``I'll use my taunt skill."}
\item{``Your mother was a Gully Dwarf."}
\item{``My God will protect me."}
\item{``You wouldn't dare!"}
\item{``Hey, we're out! We're safe!"}
\item{``Let me get this straight\ldots our ship is attached to a larger
starship, which has a nuclear device wired to the power plant and is
on collision course with a populated starport.  Our maneuver drives
don't work, because this whole ship is a piece of Sh*t and the only
way to deflect the starship from blowing up the starport is to hotwire
the jump-drives to boost us *Almost* to jump and thus throw us and the
other starship in a random direction away from the planet. All this with
jump-drives which only work half the time and a
power plant held together with chewing gum and prayers, while we are
next to a larger mass object than the ship and within 10 radii of
the planet. You really want to do this?? \\ \vspace*{-.1in}

``Just Do It!" \\ \vspace*{-.1in}

``Okay\ldots''}
\item{``I'll try it on."}
\item{``C'mon!  We're a team!"}
\item{``You don't look like a mage\ldots"}
\item{``It'd be stupid to trap this!"}
\item{``I'll kick the door in!"}
\item{``You'd have to be a {\em god} to smile after that hit!" \\
``Yes, how observant of you.''}
\item{``It could be dangerous\ldots"}
\item{``Here, hold this rope while I go down."}
\item{``I thought you brought the food!"}
\item{``Well, if you didn't belch, {\em who} did?"}
\item{``Torch flames aren't supposed to turn blue."}
\item{``Uh guys? Hello? Anyone?"}
\item{``Dragons give you a lot of Exp."}
\item{``Try me sh*t breath!"}
\item{``Oops, sorry\ldots didn't mean to disturb you Mr. Dragon."}
\item{``Come on, we haven't found any traps so far."}
\item{``Whistling sounds?  Naw, they can't have a grenade launcher!"}
\item{``Don't be silly.  If this was really the ship's {\em Self-Destruct Button},
do you think they'd leave it lying around where anyone could press it?"}
\item{``I drink from the vial marked `POISON' on the off chance that someone put
a potion of extra healing in by accident."}
\item{``Hmmm\ldots the sign on the door says, `AIRLOCK'.  I wonder what's inside."}
\item{``You're all a bunch of wimps!!  I'll prove to you myself that an entire
orc stronghold is no match for your average barbarian."}
\item{``All right, we're in an unexplored dungeon in total darkness with no
light sources or infravision\ldots Hey, I know!!  Let's yell and scream a lot so
we can locate each other by sound!!"}
\item{``I'm going to kill our captives anyway, and I don't give a damn whether
the other goody-good PC's like it or not."}
\item{``Y'know, since our druid's been so obnoxious, it would probably serve him
right if we set his precious forest on fire."}
\item{``A clever bluff, Agent N42, but not clever enough.  You see, right away I
recognized your `pistol' as a cleverly disguised cigarette lighter."}
\item{``A creature with two {\em baboon} heads on a scaly {\em reptilian} body?  With
{\em tentacles} for arms?  Hunh.  Must be some stupid wizard's magical construct.
Let's kill it."}
\item{``Yes, it's true I humiliated the DM in front of the debating team
Wednesday, but he's much too broad-minded to take it out on my character."}
\item{``OK, O Mighty Odin, as long as you're not gonna answer my prayers, I'm
gonna tell ya what I {\em really} think of ya!"}
\item{``I drop through and expose myself to the arch-mage as a gesture of comtempt."}
\item{``Nonsense.  This is an AD\&D game, so that {\em can't} be Cthulhu."}
\item{``Well, guys, I'm sorry my activities in the last town got us all tarred
and feathered, but you're not going to hold that against me, are you?"}
\item{``No, I'm sure there's some stipulation that says a disintegrate spell
won't work if the spellcaster casts it on himself.  Here, I'll prove it."}
\item{``Oops, I spilled flaming oil on my beard.  I'd better wash it off after
we kill this fire lizard."}
\item{``Well, we know he's {\em lawful}--evil, so he should keep his word when he
promised not to betray us."}
\item{``So I'm safely across the pit?  Whew!  For a minute there I was worried
that you might remember my encumbrance penalties."}
\item{``Well, as long as I've stumbled into Princess Savitra's bedroom, I might
as well try to seduce her."}
\item{``Thank God!!  A hobgoblin camp up ahead!  Maybe they can help heal our
wounded!"}
\item{``Don't worry!  The chances of me blowing a climb walls roll twice, at my
level, are infinitesimal."}
\item{``All right, I jump\ldots Now on the way down, I activate my ring of feather
fall\ldots no, wait, didn't I lend it to Jim?"}
\item{``So you're Tiamat, huh?  Are you evil?  Yes?  Would you like to convert?"}
\item{``I cast a `gate' spell and gate in the Iraqi Air Force."}
\item{``Well, {\em I} trust our party thief, and if he says this door isn't trapped,
that's good enough for me."}
\item{``Well, I didn't much like this character, anyway\ldots Here goes nothing\ldots"}
\item{``OK, so the kobolds all pull out laser technology and destroy the ninth
level party immediately.  You guys are dead\ldots again.  (Chuckle, chuckle)
Roll up new first level characters, and\ldots Jack, don't be silly.  Put that
knife down at once."}
\item{``OK! I moon the Balrog!"}
\item{``Where'd that thief go now?"}
\item{``Trap? What trap?"}
\item{``Who's the bitch with the spiders?" {\em (ahhh\ldots the infamous Lloth)}}
\item{``I sit on the pale lady with the funny teeth." {\em (Ahhh\ldots the infamous
vampire)}}
\item{``Stand back you wimps.  I'll kill it." {\em (ahhh\ldots the infamous
rust monster)}}
\item{``I cast a fireball." {\em (ahhh... the infamous $10'\times10'\times10'$ room)}}
\item{``Don't worry, wyverns don't attack unless they're provoked."}
\item{``I'll take off my armor so I'm silent and slip past the dragon."}
\item{``Don't worry, he is probably just first level."}
\item{``I'll just close my eyes and walk up to the dracolisk holding up my mirror."}
\item{``Can I eat this green slime?"}
\item{``I'll just walk up to the dragon invisibly."}
\item{``Why is this man speaking in sign language?"}
\item{``This type of undead can't drain levels."}
\item{``We are in luck! The dragon is sleeping!"}
\item{``That's only a statue."}
\item{``Mysterious shadows in the room? I'm not scared --- you can't spook me!"}
\item{``There's a smell of gas, huh? Well, my lantern is hooded. It ought to be safe."}
\item{``Take off my armor and try to swim? Forget it --- I worked hard to get this
    +3 plate mail. Besides, the DM never lets anyone die --- he wouldn't
    let me drown, would he?"}
\item{``I cast a lightning bolt at the ochre jelly."}
\item{``Lightning bolts don't ricochet off stone walls, do they?''}
\item{``The inscription says `Asmodeus was here.'  {\em Asmodeus}\ldots I haven't
heard that name before. Hey, magic-user, do you know who {\em Asmodeus} is?"}
\item{``What?  {\em Me die?}  That's the {\em last} damn thing {\em I'll} ever do."}
\end{itemize}

\vspace{5in}
\begin{quote}
``Death? Ha\ldots I scoff at death! \ldots Yikes\ldots''\\
\end{quote}
\begin{center}
{\Large --- $\cal THWACK$ ---}
\end{center}
\end{document}

