\documentstyle[twocolumn]{article}
\setlength{\oddsidemargin}{0in}
\setlength{\textwidth}{6.5in}
\setlength{\topmargin}{-1in}
\setlength{\textheight}{9in}
\begin{document}
\parindent=30pt

\title{Bits \& Pieces}
\author{{\em(revisited)}}
\date{}
\maketitle
\setcounter{page}{123}

{\noindent \it {\Large A}fter rave reviews, we doth revisit the Bits and
Pieces.\\}

\begin{quote}
``The story you are about to read is {\em true}.  We didn't even change the 
 characters' names, although at first we thought we really should\ldots
 to protect the innocent and all.  But then it occurred to me `{\em Screw}
 the innocent.  They never did anything for me, did they?'  It's a
 harsh world, chum, and innocence doesn't make for much of a defense
 in {\em my} book.  My name's Friday\ldots I carry a grudge."

\ \ \ --- Stig's Inferno \#6 by Ty Templeton
\end{quote}

{\noindent \it The Kissing of a Tootsie:\\}

{\noindent L}o and it came to pass that in the year 911A.D. that
a nasty Viking king named Fred the Nasty met with the king of France in the
part of France that was to become Normandy but was still France at the time.

With me so far, o most faithful?

And these two kings met and they spake unto one another of such things
as I know not what and shall not know until I am a great king.  Then
Fred sayeth unto the king of France ``How `bout givin' me Normandy?"
and the king of France was sore afeard for Fred had a reputation far
and wide for being one nasty s.o.b.  Nathless, the king had his honor
and name to uphold and so he commenced unto fearsome haggling over
boundaries, tributes, and conditions of the treaty.  And know you also,
he-whose-name-shall-not-be-spelled-even-in-semaphore, that one of the
conditions set by the king of France was that Fred must kiss his
kingly feet to seal the bargain.  And know you also that this made the
Vikings most exceedingly wroth because the two sovereigns were so
close unto one another in prestige and power that neither wisht to
appear as like a servant unto the other, or even as like, say, a
younger brother.

Unto his faithful retainer Rollo spake Fred the Nasty, saying ``Rollo,
dude, I can't kiss this guy's feet.  It'll make me look bad.  You do
it, okay?"  And Rollo, being a true and valued retainer sayeth unto
the merciful Fred (hallowed be his name) ``Wot's in it fer me?" And
Fred sayeth unto Rollo whom he loved like a brother ``I'll give you all
this land. I've got plenty of land, I'll make you
the first Duke of Normandy."  And Rollo found this pleasing unto him
and his words fell like little winged birds unto the royal ears.
Quoth Rollo ``I'll do it."  And so saying, Rollo bent, seized the king
of France by the ankles, up-ended him, kissed his regal feet and
returned him unto the ground that was now the possession of Rollo,
called Robert, first Duke of Normandy.

And this, oh most glorious reader, is the {\em nearly} true story of the Treaty of
St. Clair-sur-Epte.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=The Troll\\
\>{\em troll@world.std.com}
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``Let us not go gently to the endless winter night"
\ \ \ --- Rush: Red Tide
\end{quote}

{\noindent \it Other High-Level Committees:\\}

{\noindent A}t a Council of Five
Nations a few years ago, I was involved in an adventure the
central goal of which was to locate a missing Ranger Lord. We had just figured
out that the Ranger had been polymorphed into a rabbit, and were discussing 
going out to search for said rabbit, when the half-orc in the party (a charming
gent by the name of Vlad the Impaler) interjected this into the discussion:
``{\em So}, what you're proposing to me is that we track an invisible rabbit who also
happens to be a Ranger Lord through {\em his} own woods {\em at} night {\em during}
a storm!? I'll be here when you get back."

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Benjamin R Pierce\\
\>{\em v124jw4y@ubvmsd.cc.buffalo.edu}\\
\>University at Buffalo
\end{tabbing}

{\noindent T}he Dungeon Beautification Committee was one of those things that got out
of hand and ended up as a permanent part of the world.  You see, I was
trying to stock a dungeon and found ``Pech" in the Monster Manual II.  
Hey, neat.  These little guys live to shape and carve stone.  The PCs will
go nuts trying to figure out the meaning of all these carvings all over
the dungeon!  And so they did.  They finally found the room where the Pechs
were currently working.

``What {\em are} you guys, anyhow?!"

``Oh, we're the Dungeon Beautification Committee\ldots" And thus was a legend born.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Steven P. King (Software Archaeologist)\\
\>{\em veck@ddsw1.mcs.com}\\
\>Macro Computer Solutions, Inc.\\
\>Wheeling, IL
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you
can't pick your friends nose."
\end{quote}

{\noindent I}'m about to start a campaign,
and what I plan on doing is this: When I let my players
make up characters, I'll tell {\em them} to come up with a group that
already knows each other and has some rationale for adventuring
together. This makes it more reasonable that they should be loyal to
each other, and cut out the phony meeting role playing.

\begin{description}
\item[DM:] ``You walk into a bar, you see two mean looking half-orcs at a 
  table in the corner, armed to the teeth, and wearing armor. What 
  do your Mage and Cleric do?"
\item[Players:] ``We walk over, sit down, buy them a drink and become 
  friends for life, willing to defend each other to the death, 
  unless of course, we're not expecting any more player characters 
  to join us, in which case we attack them!"
\end{description}

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Keith (The Lazy DM) Hearn (aka Bug Hunter)\\
\>{\em khearn@amdahl.com}\\
\>Amdahl Corporation, Sunnyvale CA
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``Don't think of them as pedestrians, think of them
as semi-mobile speed bumps."

\ \ \ --- Lord Teka
\end{quote}

{\noindent O}ne of the
encounters that I like to include along a major highway is one where
a couple of brats toss a dozen eggs (most of which are rotten) at passers-by.
I usually rule that the kids are so used to pulling this particular trick that
they get almost automatic hits, and give a character the chance to avoid by
application of a skill (D\&Ders, dex check or save {\em vs} paralyzation).

You'd be absolutely astonished at the results. I last pulled this stunt on a
group of 2nd-level adventurers.  The wizard panicked and wasted one of the kids
with a magic missile.  The thief made one of his saves with a natural 20, so he
threw the egg back at the kid as hard as he could --- threw well enough on this
riposte that the brat actually took a point of damage (hit him in the face) and
got knocked on his ass.  The same thief ran up to his worthy opponent and they
struggled long and hard (the kid consistently threw 19s and 20s for his
struggles, blessed be the innocent), and eventually the thief gave up.
Meanwhile, the wizard blew her coveted potion of healing on the kid she
dropped.

Another fun thing I like to do is include smurfs when a random encounter calls
for something trivial. ``You see (roll die) five tiny blue figures wearing diapers and
humming, `Tra, la, la la, la, la, \ldots'  Ah, they see you and are whispering
amongst themselves."  The vivacity with which the adventurers attack is quite
shocking.  One worthy elven archer planted his entire quiver into one of the
smurfs (breaking a +2 arrow in the process).  The wizard shouted frothing
curses at his chosen foe.  Hilarious.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Ag\\
\>{\em gaynor@sparky.rutgers.edu} (Silver)\\
\>Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``When you said you wanted to live in sin with me,  I didn't realize you
meant sloth."
\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Andrew Bell,\\
\>{\em bell@cs.unc.edu}
\end{tabbing}
\end{quote}

{\noindent \em The professional way to clean out dungeons:\\}

{\noindent A} number of years ago I joined a new gaming group.  They were a
bunch of hack and slashers, and they were going to be going through a
standard dungeon. {\em Sigh\ldots}  One of the items they had was a Helm of 
Brilliance.  They had a bunch of other impressive magic as well.  The game
could have been lots of dead monsters; however, I convinced the party to
try attacking the dungeon my way\ldots\\

We encounter a gang-o-monsters.
\begin{description}
\item[Booming voice:] For we are the terribly powerful, yet merciful.  Put your
equipment and treasure in the center of the room and stand with
your faces against the far wall.  If you fight us\ldots {\em (special
magical effect)} \ldots you will all die horrible deaths\ldots {\em (special
magical effect)} \ldots If you follow our instructions you will be
allowed to live\ldots {\em (special magical effect)} \ldots choose your fate!
{\em (special magical effect)}
\end{description}
Cleaned out the whole dungeon without having to unsheath our weapons!
Weirded out the old players.  The DM had fun, I had fun, I think most of
the other players had fun.  We also got through the dungeon much faster
than the DM had planned.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Matthew Goldman\\
\>{\em goldman@ferris.cray.com}
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``Wands don't kill people,\\people kill people."
\end{quote}

{\noindent \it And back to massacres\ldots\\}

{\noindent A}bout 1984 or so, I was involved in a AD\&D--Rolemaster Hybrid where
my Ranger, Rikarus (old Ranger Rik) picked up an umbrella which
absorbed spells when open and recast such a spell when re-open.
It was a {\em lifo} (last-in first-out) stack and could handle up to
25 levels at once\ldots

Well, we encountered a room which made a duplicate of each person
in terms of level when a trap was triggered. Well about 4 of us,
20-25 levels total or so, triggered the trap at once. Can you say
25th level {\bf M}agical {\bf E}nergy {\bf B}eing?! Well the MEB started pulverizing
us til old Rik decided to open the Umbrella and stick it in the
beast. {\em Slurppp}! One MEB gone and one glowing bright umbrella which
permanently scarred his hand. It left trails of sparks as we walked
so full of energy it was.

So what did Rik do with this. Well we retreated to the top level
of this Evil Nasty Temple to rest the night. In the morning someone
noticed that a tribe (i.e. 320 or so) of Goblins moved into the
courtyard of the ENT overnight\ldots blocking our way out!

Solution: Rik opens the door a crack and opens the umbrella!
{\em Kaaa-Booooom}! 180 of 320 Goblins killed in one searing blast and
the others high-tailing it for the hills. Rik didn't have the heart
to start calling himself GoblinSlayer.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Andrew C. Durston\\
\>{\em acd@cbnewsh.att.com}\\
\>{\em att!hotld!acd}\\
\>AT\&T Bell Laboratories
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy.  There
is nothing good in war.  Except its ending."
\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Abraham Lincoln,\\
\>``The Savage Curtain"\\
\>stardate 5906.5
\end{tabbing}
\end{quote}


\begin{center}
{\large Murphy's Laws of Combat\\}
\end{center}

\begin{enumerate}
\item{If the enemy is in range, so are you.}
\item{Incoming fire has the right of way.}
\item{Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.}
\item{There is always a way.}
\item{The easy way is always mined.}
\item{Try to look unimportant, they might be low on ammo.}
\item{Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.}
\item{The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:}
\begin{itemize}
\item{When you're ready for them.}
\item{When you're not ready for them.}
\end{itemize}
\item{Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.}
\item{If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.}
\item{The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.}
\item{A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.}
\item{If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.}
\item{Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.}
\item{Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.}
\item{Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.}
\item{Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.}
\item{If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.}
\item{When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.}
\item{Never forget that your weapons are made by the {\em lowest} bidder.}
\end{enumerate}

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Remo, The Destroyer\\
\>Remo Williams, Master of Sinanju (Richard Pieri)\\
\>{\em UA\_RLP@nuhub.acs.northeastern.edu}\\
\>{\em rpieri@lynx.northeastern.edu}\\
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``Please excuse us while we rotate the Universe 90 degrees. Thank You." \\
\ \ \ --- Remo
\end{quote}

\parindent=0in

{\noindent \em A yuletide tune:\\}

{\noindent W}ell, now that our outgoing news service has been fixed, a D\&D
holiday song (to a familiar tune): \\

Hack `n' Slash, Hack `n' Slash \\
XP's all the way \\
Oh what fun it is to maim and loot and pillage and \\
slay\ldots \ \ \ \ \ \ oh!\\

Hack `n' Slash, Hack `n' Slash \\
XP's all the way, \\
Oh what fun it is to kill monsters ev'ry day! \\
Hacking through the orcs, \\
I went to kill some gnolls, \\
Then I practiced on  \\
Goblins and kobolds! \\
 
I've got my +10 Sword \\
So I don't fear the wight. \\
What fun it to hack and sing a slaying song tonight, oh! \\

Hack 'n' Slash, Hack 'n' Slash \\
XP's all the way! \\
Oh what fun it is to nuke Zeus and Asmode --- us!\\

Hack `n' Slash, Hack `n' Slash \\
XP's all the way! \\
Oh what fun it is to gain a level ev'ry day! \\

Day or two ago, \\
Thought I'd look around. \\
Met a storm giant, \\
and killed him in two rounds! \\
On to the Dragon's lair, \\
It should be a cinch. \\
I've got my Neutron Hand Grenade$^{TM}$ if I get in a \\
pinch\ldots \ \ \ \ \ \ oh! \\
 
Hack `n' Slash, Hack `n' Slash \\
XP's all the way! \\
Oh what fun it is to maim and loot and pillage and \\
slay\ldots \ \ \ \ \ \ oh!\\

Hack `n' Slash, Hack `n' Slash \\
XP's all the way! \\
Oh what fun it is to kill ---\\
\ \ \ you want me to role play????  \\

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=James Heath\\
\>{\em heath@utastro.UUCP}\\
\>U. Texas, Astronomy, Austin, TX
\end{tabbing}

\parindent=30pt

\begin{quote}
``Nothing is waste that makes a memory."

\ \ \ --- Ned Rorem
\end{quote}

{\noindent \em We're off to see the Dragon\ldots \\}

\begin{center}
{\large Reward} \\

A Kingly Sum \\

{\em Brave} Adventurers Needed to Kill the {\em Dragon} of Eastmark,
Kingdom of Arcadia. \\
Apply at the Royal Palace.\\
\end{center}

{\noindent W}hat made that adventure interesting (aside from the nearly 1000 mile
overland journey, differing cultures, side-adventures, et al) was the fact
that the ``Dragon of Eastmark" was a golden dragon, and the party was mostly
Good characters.  The Gold had become insane when humans had attacked and
slain his mate, and spent his time laying waste to the local kingdom, which
finally began posting notes (after the first three expeditions failed) to hire
outsiders to come in and try to destroy the genius-intelligence, magic-using
and physically awe-inspiring dragon.  Since the tattered posting does not
mention that the Dragon is a Gold, the party had already traveled the very
long way, and then had a lot of discussion before finally deciding that grief
did not excuse the dragon's excesses, and that he must be destroyed.

Finally nailed that damned Cube of Force with that adventure;  a couple of
breaths, a Delayed Blast Fireball, various other mayhem.  When the party
finally got close enough for combat, the dragon had exhausted {\em all} of its
spells, scroll spells, breaths, and incidental gee-gaws.  Half of the survivors
died before the dragon (too angry to run and fight another day) finally fell.
7th to 9th level party of nine or ten members.

I recommend this sort of thing, because even if they get there and don't want
to do it, you get to drag them all over the known and unknown world.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Richard L. Butler\\
\>{\em rlb@apple-gunkies.ai.mit.edu}\\
\>Free Software Foundation
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``Well, whenever anyone makes the ludicrous claim that gaming and devil-worship
are connected, I just cut out their heart with my silvered letter-opener and
offer it as a sacrifice to the Dark Lord. That'll teach `em to leap to false
conclusions."

\ \ \ --- The Elder Dan
\end{quote}

{\noindent \it How's this for a trap?\\}

{\noindent T}he party enters a room. In the center of the room is a table
which contains a small chest. After checking for traps and
finding none, they cautiously open the chest.

Inside they find a scroll, some blank parchment, quills, ink, and
several solid polyhedra with a different number of markings on
each face. One of them reads the scroll and a powerful enchanment
takes over. They realize the scroll contains the rules for a game
which they start to play.

Soon they lose all track of time. They continue to play: day
becomes night, night becomes day. The enchantment is so powerful
they can't break away; their careers suffer, their families never
see them again.

No rest, no sleep, no food, there's only the Game, the {\em Game}, 
the {\bf Game}\ldots until eventually they perish.

If you have a soft heart, you might allow them to get food
delivered. Although providing energy, this food should has
questionable nutritional value.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Hal Chambers\\
\>{\em hal@pur-phy}\\
\>Purdue Univ. Physics Dept., W. Lafayette, IN
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``Imagination is more important than knowledge."
\ \ \ --- Albert Einstein
\end{quote}

{\noindent I} was reffing an AD\&D game, and everyone showed up!  I always
invite lots, as many of my players don't show every game.  Well,
I'm looking at 14 players, and at my notes.  The game starts to
drag, I can't respond quick enough.  My head is swimming with
too much to drink.  I'm not having fun, and my players are getting
bored.  Time for action!

I keep my map, but close my dungeon design notebook, and start
making things up.  Secret doors appear.  Silly things happen.  PC's
loose their breaches.  My players are laughing now.  Ah, I'm even
enjoying myself!

They set off down a passage with something in it.  My map key says
a baited trap (later I looked it up, a bottle of elven wine
on a pit trap). I tell them ``You see a large, bald, blue head with
pointy ears sticks his head up through the floor ahead of you.  He
glares at you with red eyes and says `Go back!'"

  Muckhead the High Priest of the Holy Finhead (CN) says ``Oh great
head, would you like some food or drink?"

  The head says ``Shut your festering gob, you twit!  Go back!"

  Balin the Dwarf says ``Maybe he wants some gold\ldots"

  The head says ``Stuff it fuzz face!"

  Sleek the Eleven thief says ``Maybe it wants a kiss, Balin!"

  The head says ``Get out of my hallway, right now!"

  Balin thinks a moment, then says ``Wait a minute guys, why are
we listening to this head."

  Balin turns to the head and roars, ``Heads can have accidents too,
you know!"

  This cracked me up.  I had the head disappear and let the party
march on right into the pit trap!

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=John W. Marvin\\
\>{\em jmarvin@oracle.com}\\
\>Oracle Corporation, Belmont, CA\\
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
{\noindent \em Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't
really out to get you!\\}
\end{quote}

{\noindent C}itizens responsible for previous message, please report to 
the Crematorium for reeducation. The Computer orders all people to 
hum ``Helter Skelter'' from 12:01 to 1:12. All persecuters will be violated
unless proof of insanity is procured. In that event, report to experimental
labs for therapy. Message of the day: Answer this yes or no question: 
have you stopped beating your dog? Answers expected by day's end
unless previous orders countermand it.

Low level citizens are required to fill out forms X32-56 through Z90-90
in the research labs, and to follow all instructions given to them. All
vent workers are commanded to ignore any strange activity, and in the 
event slimy creatures from hell eat a few, to throw themselves at them in
service of the Computer.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=William Henry Timmins (Lord Teka)\\
\>{\em wt0b+@andrew.cmu.edu}\\
\>Carnegie Mellon, Pittsburgh, PA
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``This above all: to thine own self be true,\\
And it must follow, as the night the day,\\
Thou canst not then be false to any man."

\ \ \ --- Hamlet [I,iii,79-81]
\end{quote}

{\noindent T}he PC's ship was boarded by some people wearing impressive uniforms, and
carrying impressive ID cards and FGMP's.  The leader claimed to be from the
local navy, and was checking their ship over to make sure it complied with
safety regulations.  The boarders then proceeded to do their checks, failing
the ship on a whole lot of counts such as the wrong sort of paint in the
cargo hold, a minor scratch in the paintwork of a fuel line, and the ship's
hull being made of the wrong alloy.  (It wasn't; at least, the PC's didn't
know it was, nor did the boarders, and nor did the referee.)  After the
safety inspectors had succeeded in annoying the PC's, one of the PC's started
to seem to be leading towards threatening remarks, at which point the leading
inspector warned the PC's not to try anything, there was a muon gun on the
planet targeted on this ship.  (``What's a muon gun?"  ``Like a meson gun,
but better.")

The leading boarder eventually revealed that there was nothing wrong with
the ship, as far as he knew.  Mind you, he didn't know a lot, because the
PC's were the victim of a local holovision practical joke show (a bit like
Candid Camera).  The FGMP's were models made from kits, with the cameras
fitted inside them.  There was indeed no such thing as a muon gun.  And by
way of compensation, the PC's were given a free lunch by the holonet company.

Actually, it was quite a good lunch.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Adrian Hurt\\
\>{\em JANET: adrian@uk.ac.hw.cs}\\
\>{\em ARPA: adrian@cs.hw.ac.uk}\\
\>{\em UUCP: ukc!cs.hw.ac.uk!adrian}\\
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
\ \ That is not dead which can eternal lie

\ \ \ \   But with strange eons,

\ \ \ \ \ \    Even death may die\ldots

\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ --- {\em HPL}
\end{quote}

{\noindent A}s for utterly automated ships, this gives rise to all sorts of fascinating
scenaria, most of which I think would work better in a game like Space Opera
than in MT, but that's a personal bias\ldots

``What about that Denoba-class over there in the back?"

``Oh! Uh, well, uh, um, I {\em guess} it's for sale, but frankly I don't think
you gentlebeings would be very interested in it\ldots"

``Not interested?! The Denoba's one of the best rimrunners ever to upship!
Why the hell wouldn't we be interested?"

``Er, yes, the Denoba as a {\em class} are excellent craft, and that one back there
would fetch a high price, assuming\ldots''

``Assuming {\em what}?"

``Assuming that the people who bought it could average more than three hops 
before they got killed."

``{\em Huh}?"

``Yeah, see, that's the problem. The computer's gotten kind of antisocial;
it keeps spacing its crews. We can't get to it to disconnect it, either.
You see the problem?"

``Indeed I do. {\em (chuckle)} Fortunately I have a robopsychologist with me\ldots"\\

\ \ \ --- {\em metlay@vms.cis.pitt.edu}

\begin{quote}
``We make Idols of our concepts, but wisdom is born of wonder."

\ \ \ --- St. Gregory the Illuminator
\end{quote}

{\noindent I} heard about one campaign, a swashbuckling pirates type campaign
where they used {\em no rules}.  There criteria was ``If this was a Hollywood
movie, would this action have succeeded?" and if there was any
doubt, the players voted on it. Sounds like fun!

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Gwen Johnson\\
\>{\em sgj@slc1.brl.mil}
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``If there is anyone here that I have not offended, I deeply apologize.''\\
\ \ \ --- J. Brahms
\end{quote}

{\em New uses for those funny thirty-sided dice:}

\begin{itemize}
\item{Whenever your party goes through AD\&D module S1, stick two of them over your
eyes for chilling effect.}
\item{When going through the Giant Series in AD\&D, pop them into your mouth and 
spit them at your players to simulate giants throwing boulders.}
\item{Whenever going up against a god, pull out the old 30-sider (making sure the 
players see you do it), role it a couple times, and whistle loudly. (Whew!
164 points of damage against Jharl the milquetoast Ranger! Somebody get out 
the pooper-scooper!)}
\item{Give it to your loved one on a special occasion, and claim its yellow 
Amethyst. (Oh dear, its wonderful\ldots but why is there a number on each 
facet?)}
\end{itemize}

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Chris Quinn\\
\>Lewis \& Clark College, Portland OR
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``Was that the time I was in dragon form or the time I turned him 
into proto-plasmic slime?"

\ \ \ --- Damaan Glenn
\end{quote}

{\noindent \em Dice wreak havoc with DM's buzz-kill\\}

{\noindent I} was fighting eight stone giants with my party, and we were getting
the stuffing beat out of us, so I decided to quaff one of my potions of giant
strength. Then, after a moment, I decided to
quaff my invisibility potion as well. Suddenly, My DM cackles evilly,
grins, and goes to open up the Dungeon Master's Guide. In a moment
of revelation, I realized that I had forgotten to consider potion
miscibility. Upon reaching the page, and laughing
at my attempts to take back what I had said, he grinned with such malicious
intent that Asmodeus would have been impressed. He rolled the die, and it came
up a 0, I started to break down, and he grinned again, saying, ``Get the old
dice ready to roll up a new character, Yer gonna die." he rolled the die
again and much to my relief, it came up 0. With a stunned look on his
face, my DM said, ``I can't believe it, I just can't believe it." 

I smiled and asked what that meant. He said ``Well, You just got one of those
potions as a permanent power. I am going to roll another d10, and 1-5 you
get giant strength {\em (Fire Giant = 22)}, and 6-10, you get invisibility, permanent.
I hope you die." He rolled a 3, and now my character is incredible.
Needless to say, he has done several amazing things since then.
My DM has been trying to circumvent the affects legally,
but he hasn't found a way yet. All in all, not a bad deal.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Gilgamesh\\
\>{\em barkerM@batman.moravian.edu}\\
\>Moravian College, Bethlehem, PA
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``I apologize for calling your wife a bloated warthog. Heh-heh-heh."

\ \ \ --- Connor Macleod
\end{quote}

{\noindent O}ne of the problems I think females {\em may} have with gaming is that the
games resemble pulp male fantasy (aka Thieves World) and they don't want to
be the fantasy focus of 2-8 typically hormonally imbalanced, student-types
who are stereotyped as social incompetents.  Then again, they might.  One 
thing for sure I have noticed is that the women in FRP games are {\em usually}
treated as princesses and most of us males (yes, myself included) nearly
beat each other up to do things for the lady.  Women gamers are a definite
way to make sure a game will fill up quickly.  All you have to do is say
that she is playing and we males (yep, me again) will flock to the game 
in sets of twenty.

Yes, there are women in FRP games, and we can all be thankful they
can accept us --- the paladin/barbarians with glasses and backpacks.\\

\ \ \ --- {\em Cyborg}, the socially inept\\

{\noindent \em Paraphrased from a MegaTraveller campaign:\\}

\begin{description}
\item[Party Member:] ``Here's the next plant for your collection, Turin.  It's
a Pharosian Bitching Cactus.  Where do you want it?"
\item[Pharosian Bitching Cactus:] {\em ``\ldots My needles are too dry \ldots
My potting soil isn't sandy enough\ldots This pot is too small; I'm getting
root-bound\ldots It's too dark in here\ldots''}
\item[Turin:] ``...put it in the airlock."
\end{description}

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Mark F. Cook\\
\>{\em markc@hpcvss.cv.hp.com}\\
\>{\em markc\%hpcvss.cv.hp.com@relay.hp.com}\\
\>Corvallis, Oregon\\
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``Lovecraft created a universe that sane men cannot comprehend.
Call of Cthulhu's choice of runequest mechanics was a good choice."
\ \ \ --- Robert Plamondon
\end{quote}

{\noindent T}he novice monk came to the garden to see the grand master Gaxx.

``Master," he began, ``I have been pondering level advancement in AD\&D.
A first level character is well within the scope of the game, and yet
a one trillionth level character is most certainly not. Tell me, O
Master, where the game's scope does lie?"

The Master studied the novice and said, ``I have been pondering the
sky. At noon, it is certainly daytime, and yet at midnight it is most
certainly not. Tell me, at what time does day end and night begin?"

At this point, the Master struck the novice over the head with a Fiend
Folio manual. The novice was enlightened.

\begin{tabbing}
\ \ \ --- \=Timothy D. Cain\\
\>{\em cain@ics.uci.edu (ARPA)}\\
\>Department of Information and Computer Science\\
\>UC Irvine\\
\end{tabbing}

\begin{quote}
``Dreams are the touchstones of our characters."
\ \ \ --- Henry David Thoreau
\end{quote}

\end{document}

