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\title{Species of the Gamester}
\author{Compiled by Charles K. Hughes}
\date{\em with addendum by Ed Zeamba}
\maketitle

{\it
{\Large W}hether of humor good or bad, Gamesters have taken
great pleasure in classifying their fellow Gamesters into various
species, some benign and others rather malignant. Sparing the grand
history of the our adventure into the taxonomy of gaming, we hereby
present for your enlightenment, edification, and
general jollies the} {\sf umpteen million} {\bf Species of the Gamester}.\\

\begin{center}
{\Large The Players}
\end{center}

{\em Bill Bynum:}

\begin{description}
\item[1. The Real Man:] ``Hot Diggity!!  Gnoll outpost at twelve o'clock!!
{\em Chaaaaaaaarge}!!!"
\item[2. The Real Role-Player:] ``Don't start yet!!  I need my two minutes to get
properly into character."
\item[3. The Loonie:] ``I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips."
\item[4. The Munchkin:] ``Five arch-devils and two demigods?  That's {\em all}?!  I
guess I'll only need to use six of my rings for this encounter."
\item[5. The Coward:] ``Yikes!  Three kobolds!!  Retreat!  Retreat!"
\item[6. The Troublemaker:] ``Just before the Mayor gives his speech to the town,
I cast `command: vomit' on him."
\item[7. The Novice:] ``I just rolled a {\em 2} on my `to hit' roll.  Did I want high
or low?"
\item[8. The Tactician:] ``The archer will move silently into position behind the
podium, carefully aiming at the sergeant.  The mage shall remain behind the
door in preparation of a `sleep' spell which will be centered at the table
around which are the bulk of the guards.  Meanwhile, the fighter and I
shall..."
\item[9. The Quiet Type:] ``I dunno... I lob off another arrow at the monster
this round, I guess."
\item[10. The Punster:] ``You know how many clerics it takes to fix a light bulb? 
One to cast `cure light.' "
\item[11. The PC Infighter:] ``Since Ruth's been such a twit, I hit her in the
face with my flail while she's casting her `find familiar' spell."
\item[12. Joe I-Got-the-Rules-Down-Pat:] ``No, if you look in the DMG, page eighty-one
paragraph five, you'll find this spell won't affect griffons."
\item[13. The Whiner:] ``Three points?!  I take {\em three points of damage}!?! Frank,
what the hell kind of grudge do you have against me?"
\item[14. The Bully:] ``Are you sure I don't make my saving throw?  Are you
ABSOLUTELY sure?  Do you want to keep your nose the way it is, Lou?"
\item[15. Mr. Greedy:] ``So it's not evil?  And it's not attacking?  So what! I
WANT THAT XP!!!!"
\item[16. The Cheater:] ``I roll an... {\em 18}! It hits!" {\em (Quickly grabs dice)}
\item[17. The Chastiser:] ``And you {\em didn't see that trap coming}? Hahahahahaha!! 
Just how long did you say you've been playing this game?"
\item[18. The Kamikaze Guy:] ``I jump off our perch, taking careful aim to land
dead center on the hobgoblin patrol.  Just before I hit the ground, though, I
set off the `fire trap' on all my nine flasks of oil."
\item[19. The Good Roller:] ``Oh, looky here.  An {\em 03} on percentile dice.  If that
door was trapped, I just found something."
\item[20. The Bad Roller:] ``Oh, damn it all!!  *Another* critical fumble!!"
\item[21. The Braggart:] ``The thought of you attacking me isn't even interesting.
I could get off a `sleep' spell and slit your unconscious throat before you
even get your longsword out of its sheath."
\item[22. The Reminiscer:] ``Say, y'know, this is kind of like the time our party
thief spent twenty minutes trying to lock-pick an unlocked door."
\item[23. Goody Two-Shoes:] ``Wait a minute.  Even if they are orcs, we just can't
kill them when they're asleep and can't defend themselves."
\item[24. The Overoptimistic Daydreamer:] ``After we get through this campaign,
and have gained about nine, ten levels, I'm going to buy me the finest battle
axe that money can buy."
\item[25. Short-Attention-Span Man:] ``Hmmm?  What?  Oh, are we attacking now?"
\end{description}

{\em James Heath}
\begin{description}
\item[26. Thermonuclear Man {\em (sub-species of Munchkin)}:] ``Awright, I swing
at the Orc with my Bastard Sword.  (roll)  That's a {\em 2}, {\em +2} for strength,
{\em +3} for specialization, {\em +2} for (blah blah blah). So that's a {\em 27}.
(Sarcastic grin) Does it hit?"
\end{description}

{\em Kathryn L. Smith}
\begin{description}
\item[27. The GM-hater {\em (subclass of troublemaker)}:] The person  who comes
into the game and does his best to think of ways to react to a situation
that the GM hasn't.  Having a PC who is slightly schizophrenic is a good
excuse for this.  Note: mixes really badly with the ``storytelling" style
of GM.
\end{description}

{\em Charles K. Hughes}
\begin{description}
\item[28. The mindless player:]
\item[GM:] ``The gaping chasm stretches out before you.  It is too far to
jump across."
\item[Player:] ``I jump the chasm."
\end{description}

{\em Paul J. Zanca}
\begin{description}
\item[29. The Crybaby:]  ``You mean the big rock crushed me?  My character's
{\em dead}?!?  Really, really {\em dead}?!?  {\em Noooooooooooo}!!!!"
\item[30. The Cowboy:]  ``I walk proudly up to the King and challenge him to a
duel to the death.  Oh yeah, I make sure to call him a wimp."
\item[31. The Psycho Killer:]
\item[DM:] ``Okay, you open the door and you see ---"
\item[PK:] ``{\em Kill kill kill}!!  {\em Blood blood blood}!!  {\em Rraaaaagggghh}!!"
\item[32. The Worry Wort:]  ``Okay, my mage is invisible, levitating thirty meters
above the party, has a Phantom Armor and a Stoneskin on him, a Ring of Fire
Resistance worn, a Minor Globe of Invulnerability up {\em (et cetera, et cetera)}
Damn!  I have a bad feeling about this..."

{\em Robert ``Nickelpede" DeLoura replies:}
\begin{description}
\item[DM:]  Suddenly, a spellcaster appears in the hallway before you.  Quickly
     gesturing in the direction of the invisible mage, he casts a spell.
     {\em (Dispel Magic)}
     Oh, my!  Mr. Worry Wort has just plummeted thirty meters to the ground,
     to his death!
\end{description}

\item[33. The Cavern Shyster] {\em (more commonly known as Bill
Mulhausen)}{\bf :}  ``Oh, so
the Illusionary Medusa I cast at the Archdemon Orcus doesn't turn him to
stone, does it?  Well, if you look at the spell description, it says right
here that he gets no save, has no chance to disbelieve, and I made my magic
resistance roll!  What do you say to {\em that}?"

{\em Robert ``Nickelpede" DeLoura replies:}
\begin{description}
\item[DM:]  Orcus is a Demon Lord.  He eats Medusae for breakfast.
     Amidst a hearty chuckle of laughter at your feeble attempt at
     illusion, he throws a thirty-die lighting bolt at you.
     What do you say to {\em that}?
\end{description}

\item[34. The Pig-eyed Glutton:] ``Now how do we go about carting off this 800
copper pieces?  We're already loaded down with the four suits of leather
armor and electrum-inlaid toilet seats we found earlier..."
\end{description}

{\em Charles Hughes}
\begin{description}
\item[35. The masochist:] ``I stop running, turn around, slap the minotaur, and
tell him to stop breathing down my neck." {\em (closely related to \#3, the
Loonie)}
\end{description}

{\em Edward C. Zeamba}
\begin{description}
\item[36. Dishonorable Thieves] {\em (The Backstab Brothers --- Quix \& Sly)}{\bf :}
``I'll watch your back." or ``Of course you're free to go...
I give you my word of honor."
or ``I like to think of myself as an income redistributor... I steal from
the rich and keep it myself." 
\item[37. Thief Attracter {\em (dwarf ``Retten" --- Larry Crammer)}:] ``What do you mean
that drink will be one copper piece.  All I have is big bag of gold."
or {\em (yelled loudly in tavern)} ``Anyone want to buy some gems!"
\item[38. Questionable Ranger] {\em (``Quince" --- Jim}{\em Gajewski)}{\bf :} He
pushes an unaware
low-level guard into a campfire just so he can retrieve his stolen quiver 
 of Ehlonna which is behind the guard fifteen feet away.  or ``I know she is an 
innocent maiden, but I need one {\em x.p.} to become next level." 
\item[39. Unfaithful Cleric] {\em (``Morden" --- Kyle Whatshisname)}{\bf :}
After nine levels 
and thirty years of neutral-good life, He switches from neutral-good
Celestian to Boccob {\em (who doesn't care if anyone worships him)} just so
he can get combat spells. ``I'm sure Celestian won't mind."  
\item[40. Selfish Wizard {\em (``Zzyzzk" --- Jim Gajewski)}:] A fellow party member is 
in close melee with a Githyanki and the mage toasts them both with a
fireball while yelling ``Don't hit the monster.  If I kill him I gain a
level! {\em (deck of many things)}" \\
\end{description}

\begin{center}
{\Large The Game Masters}
\end{center}

{\em Scott Butler}

\begin{description}
\item[1. The Munchkin:] ``Having slain the hordes of Azoth single-handedly,
without even unsheathing the Sword of Universal Destruction, your
half grey-elven/half gold-dragon 50th level paladin/MU/Cleric/Monk/Bard
gazes down upon the pitiful Cthulhu who grovels at his feet..."
\item[2. Monty Haul] {\em (variation on the Munchkin, but characters tend to be lower
level)}{\bf :}
\begin{description}
\item[GM:] ``You are each granted one wish."
\item[Player \#1:] ``I wish to have the hand and eye of Vecna."
\item[Player \#2:] ``I wish to have the flask of Teurny the Merciless."
\item[Player \#3:] ``I wish to have..."
\item[GM:] ``Poof, they appear in front of you.  Now what do you do?"
\end{description}
\item[3. Killer:] ``As you pull aside the tapestry, a green slime jumps upon
you from behind it, killing you... nope, no `to hit' or saving throw
allowed, it says so right here."
\item[4. The Troublemaker:] singles out one player and continually hands
him/her notes which read ``Don't let anyone know there is nothing on
this note."
\item[5. The Cheater:] ``I don't care if you hit on an {\em 18 last} time, {\em this}
time you missed, and I don't want to hear another thing about it."
\item[6. Mr. Don't-question-me:] ``A blue bolt from heaven strikes Harold
the Whiner, reducing him to one hit point.  Anybody else got a problem
with this campaign?"
\item[7. The Novice:] ``You rolled a {\em 2} on your `to hit' roll.  Did you want
high or low?"
\item[8. Verbose:] ``The door is solid oak, bound with four iron bands of roughly
equal width, spaced equidistant along its width, and the wood is polished
smooth, stained a dark brown, except for a small patch near the bottom
which is blacker, and hinges are not visible from this side, but you
notice the exquisite design of the lock, the faceplate of which is a
starburst design, edged in gold or maybe polished copper or brass, its
kind of hard to tell with the torchlight, but the knocker is definitely
cast iron and you see..." {\em (sounds of snoring from party members)}
\item[9. Those With a poker face:] ``The slave you rescued courteously
accepts your offer to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in
her..."
\item[10. Those Without a poker face:] ``The slave you rescued, hee hee,
courteously accepts your offer, snort, to accompany you and thanks you
for your trust in her, hah hah... boy are you gonna get it now... giggle."
\item[11. Timid:] ``The orc hits your for four points of damage, if that's okay
with you, Steve.  Really, you've got seventeen hit points left and he has only
two, so you'll be okay, okay?" 
\item[12. DePalma school of blood and gore:] ``Your magic drill cleaves the
demon's skull in twain and it literally explodes, spattering everyone
with blood and brains.  An unsightly green ichor drips from your face
as you watch the smoldering corpse churn before you like a baby in a
blender and finally settle into a puddle of vomit and excrement..."
\item[13. Gibson school of writing graduate:] ``The view in the crystal ball
was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel."
\item[14. Vengeful:] ``You won't go out with me Saturday?  Okay, all of the
were-rats attack Christine." 
\item[15. AD\&D'er:] ``The 100 peasants beat at your fighter ineffectually with
their sticks and pitchforks until you have slain them all.  A heroic effort
on your part." {\em (That was a really cheap shot!)}
\item[16. anti-AD\&D'er:] ``The 100 peasants overbear your fighter with their
great numbers and, unable to move under the weight of their hordes, you
squirm helplessly as they pry open your field plate and skewer you like
a lobster.  You die an ignoble death."
\item[17. the Stickler for detail:] ``Taking into account atmospheric
conditions, the acceleration due to gravity, the low drag coefficient
of your greased plate mail, your high dexterity, the gold in your
backpack, your associated credit rating, the eggs you had for breakfast,
...and the average number of chickens who would remain inside the coup
on a warm day, you have to roll {\em 13} or better to survive the fall..." 
\item[18. No originality:] ``Its a quest, see, you're trying to take this
ring to Mordor, to drop it into a volcano to destroy it.  No, no, honest
I thought of this campaign myself..."
\item[19. Leading and Overbearing:]{\ }
\begin{description}
\item[DM:] ``You pump the bartender for information
and he tells you about a red dragon's lair to the west."
\item[Player:] ``Too risky, we go to hear rumours somewhere else."
\item[DM:] ``A man offers to hire you to clean out a red dragon's lair for him."
\item[Player:] ``We say no thank you and leave for the next village."
\item[DM:] ``On the way to the village you stumble onto a red dragon's lair..."
\end{description}
\end{description}

{\em Mark Isaak}
\begin{description}
\item[20. the Dungeon Builder:] ``The first door in the hallway opens onto a
20'$\times$20' room containing a griffon.  The next room contains a party of
orcs.  The next contains a gelatinous cube.  The next contains a couple
giants..."
\end{description}

{\em J.D. Frazer}
\begin{description}
\item[21. The Schmuck:] ``Oh. Can someone really do that? Okay, I'll let you
have a 50\% chance. Oh. Okay, 75\% then."
\item[22. The Executioner:] ``A hidden blade slides down the doorway, mincing
the two fighters and the cleric.  The thief gets nine crossbow bolts in
his back, and the magic user is hit by an intense beam of light, burning
a hole through his  head."
\item[23. The Ghoul:] ``That's the 17th character you rolled tonight? 
Mouahahahahahahahahahah!"
\item[24. The Absolute Monarch:] ``The huge Red dragon {\em can} fit through the
little hole, 'cause {\em I said so}!"
\item[25. The Generous Munchkin:] ``Okay, now that you've killed that Kobold,
you open the treasure chests and fine 100,000 gold pieces, 50,000 platinum
pieces, and two hundred gems worth a zillion gold each.  Oh, and a
{\em +20} Vorpal Sword.  And before I forget, a Rod of Seven Parts too."
\item[26. The Killer Munchkin:] ``You guys are dead."
\item[27. The Whining Munchkin:] ``But, but, you guys {\em can't} do that! It's my
only dungeon! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!"
\item[28. The Die Modifier:] ``Yeah, yeah, so you rolled a {\em 20}.  You missed.
Secret modifiers you know."
\item[29. The Unimaginative Type:] ``You walk into the bar and see thirty
mercenaries all wearing scalemail and carrying longswords.  They all sit
at separate tables."
\item[30. The Design Zealot:] ``I just need another fifteen minutes.  I only have
three more levels to populate."
\end{description}

{\em Kathryn L. Smith}
\begin{description}
\item[31. The storyteller/scripter:]  He has the plot for the adventure all
figured out, and you're going to follow it come hell or high water.
\item[32. The planner:]  He has everything for the adventure carefully planned
and written out ahead of time. All the NPCs stats and background
details, who will tell you what, and so forth.
\item[33. The ``Make it up as we go" type:]  He comes in with a vague idea of
what the PCs will run into today, and fills in the details as he goes along.
\end{description}

{\em Charles K. Hughes}
\begin{description}
\item[34. The literal type:]
\begin{description}
\item[Player:] ``I wish Joe had more lives."
\item[GM:]``Joe, you are now a schizophrenic."
{\center \Large \& \\}
\item[Player:] ``What is the air speed of a swallow?"
\item[GM:]``African or European?"
\end{description}
\end{description}

{\em Paul J. Zanca}
\begin{description}
\item[35. Sadistic:]  ``Just then, eighty ancient huge red dragons descend on
your party... they all breathe on you at once!  What do you do {\em now}?"
\end{description}

{\em Charles Hughes}
\begin{description}
\item[35a. Sadist with Masochist players:] ``Realizing that you are adventurers
the red dragon egg hurls itself into a pan to prevent you from getting
the experience for them." (2nd edition AD\&D)
\item[35b. Sadist with Masochist players:] ``Realizing that you are adventurers
the eighty ancient huge red dragons kill themselves to prevent you from getting
the experience for them." (pre-2nd edition)
\end{description}

Yes, I know, 35a and 35b were cheap shots, but I'm an AD\&D DM so I can
make them. :)\\

{\em Paul J. Zanca}
\begin{description}
\item[36. Graduate] {\bf of the Bob Newhart School of Dry Humour:}  ``Okay, the sun
goes nova and you are caught in the explosion.  Everybody takes {\em (roll roll
roll...)} nine thousand seven hundred and forty-eight points of fire damage
from the plasma... save for half.  What'd you roll?  Oh, too bad."

{\em Robert ``Nickelpede" DeLoura replies:}

\begin{description}
\item[Cavern Shyster] {\em (a member of the party)}{\bf :} ``Well, I had my Ring of Fire
                 Resistance on, so I only take two points of damage per round
                 from the flames.  How long did they last?"
\end{description}

\item[37. Nice Guy:] ``Well Bill, I don't know how to tell you this, but your
character's dead.  Just like that.  I'm really sorry, but you know, these
things happen.  `Man hath but a short time to live, and that full of
sorrow.'  Look man, I know you're hurting.  If you want to talk about it,
we can take a break..."
\item[38. Monty Python-esque:] ``Oh no!  The Mutated Potato Monster sprays the
party with a stream of $Red\ Hot\ Wolf\ Nipple\ Chips^{TM}$!  Everybody takes zero
damage, Save Versus Heebie-Jeebies or Become Very Frightened And Explode!"
\item[39. Forgetful:] ``Okay, you walk into the room.  The orcs look up from
their card game, much surprised to see anybody at this hour, and grab
their--Huh?  You've already been through here and killed the orcs? Shit. 
Okay, let's try that again.  You notice seven slaughtered orcs..."
\item[40. Flowery:] ``Oho!  Methinks that the Purple Mage has waxed sorely
pissed at thy attempt to engulf him in thy vomitous Stinking Cloud dweomer!
 By my trow, he has, in his wroth, flung a Power Word, Kill at thee, with a
shout of `Have at thee, vile knave!'  What dost thou doest now, brave
adventurer?"
\end{description}

{\em Dave Cooke}

\begin{description}
\item[41. The Chaos King:] ``Ok, the gnome got off his Confusion spell, everyone
        roll their actions as the four leprechauns chase three rust monsters into
        the camp. {\sf BTW:} the two hobbits who you found tied to a tree earlier
        take this moment to change into doppelgangers and attack the
        princess you're supposed to be guarding. You see all this clearly
        because the wagons in the caravan are burning from the arrows the
        orcs have fired at them. Who's wearing armor, as you were all
        asleep?"
\end{description}

{\em Ed C. Zeamba}

\begin{description}
\item[42. The Bullshit Timewarp DM:] ``You are all riding on the back of a good
blue dragon --- flying at mach 5" or ``Flying toward you is a red dragon
{\em (with 150 h.p. and a dragon rider who can make a lance and two sword
attacks against one character in one round)} he breaths on the party ---
Oh, did I mention the two F-4 Phantoms coming straight for you?!!"

\item[43. The Too-Nice DM:] ``Oh, I didn't know that rule but I'll let you get
away with that this time... and next time... and next time." {\em or} ``Okay,
you want to jump down a twenty foot wall wearing field plate.  Um...
make a {\em dex} check."

\item[44. The Rules-Lawer DM:] no comment --- 
\end{description}

\end{document}

