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\begin{center}
{\Huge \bf Magical Funnies \\}
\vspace{.075in}
{\large \sf Author Unknown \\}
\end{center}

\vspace{.3in}

\begin{center}
{\large \bf Ring of Paranoia}
\end{center}

The Ring is made of a white metal. It's very light, and inscribed with some
runes which no-one can understand. If someone puts it on, they can't get it off
again. It may radiate a slight magical aura if someone casts ``Detect Magic" on
it. \\

For best effect, once some sucker - er, PC - has put the thing on, the GM
should occasionally roll a 20-sided die and snigger a bit. When the Ring
wearer asks what's happened, the answer should be ``Nothing yet". \\

Hopefully, the PC will get suspicious enough either to cut his finger off, or
pay a high-level mage a lot of money to remove the Ring. \\

The ring is in fact totally harmless. It's very light, not because of any magic
but because it's made of aluminium. It was made by a now extinct tribe of Hill
Kobolds, hence the unreadable runes (which are simply the maker's name). It
won't come off the wearer's finger because it's marginally too small. And the
slight aura of magic (optional) is the residue of a Detect Magic spell cast by
an earlier finder who took one look at it, then threw it away. Incidentally,
the GM doesn't have to throw the 20-sided die - any die will do. Just use the
same one every time. \\

Naturally, the mage will put on a serious expression and demand a lot of money
before removing the ring. He will also prepare a Fireball spell just before he
reveals the ring's true nature, in case someone gets angry. \

Use of soap will allow the wearer to remove the ring relatively painlessly. But
how many adventurers are hygenic enough to be carrying that around? \\

\begin{center}
{\large \bf Ring of Gaseous Form \\}
\end{center}

One of the funniest cursed items I ever saw was the Ring of Gaseous Form.
It  didn't work by a command word, but rather it activated when you put
it on, and deactivated when you took it off... save for the fact that your
hand (among other things) was vaporous. \\

\begin{center}
{\large \bf Arrows of Concientious Objection \\}
\end{center}

If you put these arrows in your
victim's quiver, would alter themselves to look like the other arrows.
When used, they would disappear just before hitting the opponent for damage.
10\% of them, however, would turn into harmless flowers before hitting.\\

\begin{center}
{\large \bf Spells we really Need \\}
\end{center}

So far we've seen many 1/2 level spells from D\&D but, there are many of
these spells that are very useful to the modern day warrior; the college
student. here are some which my fellow adveturers and i have collected and
mastered.

\begin{description}

\item[CHARM ENGINEER:] great for getting those snotty little buggers out of
your face. the components needed are a high charisma
and alot of bull. verbals  consist of something like
`` wow. you are so smart..."

\item[HASTE TEACHER:] perfect for those long classes. the material components
are a screwdriver and the class room clock. the somatics are twisting
your hand with the screwdriver clockwise. verbals are ``yeah. that's right.
my watch has 2:15, too."

\item[HOLD TEACHER:] also good for those long classes or when you think the
teacher is trying to squeeze in too much material before the exam.the
somatics are raising your right(or left) hand while saying ``aahh ...
..excuse me. could you go over the again. i really don't see how you
did that. i mean i was paying attention and all but..."

\item[FIREBALL:] self-explainitory. materials; a 55 gallon drum of napalm,
a zippo lighter and one failed mid-term.

\item[CONFUSION:] not usually cast by itself. material; one bright red box that
says ``pull in case of emergency". this spell frequently follows the casting
of fireball

\item[COMPREHEND ECONOMETRICS:] a 12th level spell, thus, uncastable

\item[MELD INTO DESK:] great spell for teachers that like to go over homework
with the class. material; bad posture or the left guard of the football
team sitting in front of you.

\item[INVISIBILITY TO PROF:] when class is too unbearable or if the jerk just
doesn't know when to end the lesson, lay this baby on yourself and
jaunter right outta there. material;sneakers good timing and an aisle
seat.

\item[DETECT BULLSHIT:] this spell is usually used by the teacher when grading
essays and the like. the reverse of this spell,BULLSHIT, will require
the teacher to make a saving throw else the paper will appear to be well
written and deserving of a good score. material; a thesaurous and alot of
quotes and paraphrases.

\item[FUMBLE:] this is a new spell developed in the inner sanctums of penn state.
we hope it will work against Notre Dame! material; one can of W-D 40 and
the key to the equipment room.

\end{description}


\begin{center}
{\large \bf Spells we really Don't Need \\}
\end{center}

\begin{description}

\item[Detect Terrain:] This has a somatic component, namely the caster pitches forward
onto his face.

\item[Feign Death:]  Collapse on your back, and hold a lily on your chest.

\item[Detect Life:] Placing fingers on under-side of the subject's wrist
(feeling for a pulse).

\item[Figby's Fidious Finger:] ``The last act of
defiance". An obcene gesture.

\item[Find Traps:] Material component: one dumb fighter.
Verbal component : ``Why don't you check on ahead while I guard the rear?"

\item[Dig:] Material component: one dumb fighter, one shovel.

\item[Smucker's Transformation:]  The caster utters a gasp of dismay and turns
    into a quivering mass of jelly.

\item[Explosive Familiar:]  The caster's familiar explodes in a flaming ball. 
    Does 1d4 damage to all within 10 feet (and considerably more to the
    familiar).  Special familiars explode for 1d4+1 points damage.

\item[Detect Life:]  The caster grasps the wrist of the creature and utters the
    words ``It's dead, Jim."  (I have seen this one posted, but the verbal
    component was omitted.)

\item[Drawmij's Instant Death:]  When this spell is cast, Drawmij, wherever and 
    whoever he is, dies instantly, no saving throw.  As this spell has been 
    around for a while, Drawmij is getting pretty tired of it.

\item[Monster summoning:]  Walk through the forest saying ``Gee, I wish I had my
sword with me, or a friend to protect me and my LARGE AMOUNT of GOLD.  I hope
no MONSTERs find me ALL ALONE and DEFENSELESS..."

\item[Creeping Doom:]  Lay out a picnic lunch in the middle of the woods.

\item[Find Hand:]  Look at the end of your arm.

\item[Dwigbees Instant Death Spell:]  When cast, Dwigbee, whoever he is and whereever
he is, dies instantly.  This spell has been around for a long time, and 
Dwigbee is rather pissed about it.

\end{description}

\begin{center}
{\large \bf Gaming Traditions \\}
{\sf By Chris Thompson (christ@ccnysci.UUCP) \\}
\end{center}

The oddest tradition we have is that of the BF, or buddy-fuck.  The classic
example of this is when you've played the whole scenario, you're in the
vault bloody \& exhausted, and the GM says, ``Well, I was going to throw a
Greater Lich at you here, but I didn't think you'd get this far tonight,
so I didn't make him up."  And a member of your party says, ``WAIT!  I'VE 
GOT ONE HERE THAT I WAS GONNA USE! IN \underline{MY} GAME!"
This is a buddy-fuck.
It got to the point that a BF was worth a few XP if it was a good one. \\

I actually came up with the new 'classic':  there you are.  You've just
entered a lit room in the dungeon.  Your theif is on point, and sick of it.
After you pronounce the way clear, the party files in after you.  THEN YOU
POINT TO THE CORNER OF THE ROOM AND YELL: \\

	``LOOK!!!!!  A BASILISK!!!!!!!!!!!" \\

Gets 'em every time. \\

\vspace{.2in}
\begin{center}
{\Huge \bf BAG OF CHAOS II \\}
\vspace{.075in}
{\large \sf \copyright \ 1990 by Steve Mays. All Rights Reserved. \\}
\vspace{.3in}
\end{center}

\vspace{.1in}

\begin{center}
\begin{tabular}{||p{6.5in}||}
\hline
	A non descript looking bag that nevertheless contains a surprising
array of effects.  The bag cannot be ripped, torn, or in any way destroyed,
as it is made of pure chaos.  Any effects, magic fire, etc, are to be absorbed
by the bag.  A list of its effects follows: \\
\hline
\end{tabular}
\end{center}

(roll a d20 before rolling for effect, any roll of a 1 or a 20 causes the rolled effect on the user) \\
\\
\begin{description}
\item [1. Varicose veins] -1 to charisma
\item [2. Phlegm] -2 CON, 1d4 hours, no verbal spells
\item [3. Corns] -2 CON, 1/2 mv. -2 dex (1d4 days, save vs Poly. for 1/2)
\item [4. Athelete's foot] -1 dex (-1 to initiative)
\item [5. Heart attack ] make save vs. death spells er be six feet under
\item [6. Hair-loss] every 1d4 rnds, falling hair obscures vision making attack
             impossible (-3 to hit until hair removed from eyes)
\item [7. Uncontrollable vomiting] spend 1d4-1 rnds puking. Because the only thing
                            yer gonna be doing for 1d4-1 rnds is puking,
                            you cannot attck or use DEX bonus in AC
                            (Can't dodge whilst heaving m'lord)
\item [8. Gas] no sneaking! Causes release of gas at random times
                     (Hey! Who farted? Not {FRRRRPP!} me said the Thief)
\item [9. Backpain] If ya drop yer weapon, good luck pickin' it up again!
\item [10. Ageing] make save vs Poly. or be 1d20 years older (age modifies stats
                     ya know, and not for the better)
\item [11. B.O] Horrible stench! (Ya ever hear of Point Guard, adventurer strength
                           deoderant?) CHA -4, no hiding in shadows or 
                           surprise fer you buddy! Also if invisible, only
                           -2 to hit for those attacking)
\item [12. Bites yer finger] You reach in, hopin' fer the "Nuke the Universe" effect,
                     but instead get yer finger bit! 1d6 pts dmg. (OWWW!)
\item [13. Itching powder] Causes an itch in eveywhere where ya can't reach
                    (unless yer a contortionist). -1 attack, acts as IRRITATION
                    SPELL, lasts 1d6 rnds
\item [14. Arthritis] -2 melee attacks, -3 bows, (Spells with SEMANTIC componants?
                HA! HA! HA! No way dude!)
\item [15. Excedrin 3 headache] Remember those really brutal migrane headaches?
                         This ones on about 10 TIMES WORSE!!! No spells, period.                         -2 attack, no dex bonus on AC. Lasts for 1d4-1 rnds
                         (I gotta headache this big...it's got CHAOS written
                         all over it!)
\item [16. Magic glow] 15' radius major light spell. +2 to AC, stick out like a sore
                thumb to those using infravision (if person attacked with bag 
                is using infravision, he ain't no more!). Gives off magical 
                heat, doesn't do physical damage, but sure is easy to track
                with infravision.) Lasts 1d4 rnds.
\item [17. Sunburn] (Owwwch! That smarts! {I hate that when that happens!} I know what
             you mean.). Equiv. or laying out in Hawaii for, oh, about 6 hours
             (each side).  You're now burnt to a golden crisp (stick out REAL
             good on infravision +1 for attack on you to those using it).
             Any armor you may be wearing (with the exception of anything up
             to leather) will come off very shortly (or your skin will, which 
             do you prefer?) 1d4 pts per round while armor on.
\item [18. Gangrene] REAL NASTY STUFF HERE! (PG-13 stuff follows):
              Make save vs. Poly. or a random limb rots OFF!
              Roll a d6 to determine limb if save failed.
                 \begin{enumerate}
                 \item {Head (didn't need it anyway)}
                 \item {Left leg (that's why ya got two of 'em. Er, now only 1)}
                 \item {Left arm (good thing yer right handed. Are'nt you?)}
                 \item {Right arm (Don't complain, coulda rolled a 6 and ya
                               coulda lost both arms. Who says the gods
                               of chaos ain't just?)}
                 \item {Right leg (Ya can't "stand up on your own two feet" anymore,
                               can you?)}
                 \item {ROLL TWICE, ignore this effect (Have a nice day!  :--)}
                 \end{enumerate}
\item [19. Butt plug] (Yuck! Ed Zeamba's favorite!) Cork magically appears in butt.
               Stays in for 1d4 rnds, when it comes out, head fer the hills!
               Everyone within a 15' radius, make save vs. poison or take 
               1d8 dmg from gas inhilation (magical farts! Yuck-ola!)
\item [20. ROLL TWICE MORE] ignore this effect (He he he!!)
\end{description}

\vspace{.1in}
\begin{center}
{\Large \bf The quote of the hour: \\}
\vspace{.075in}


{
"Women, you can't live with them,  \\ 
 you can't make them dress up \\ 
in skimpy, little nazi costumes \\
and beat you with warm squash."  \\
 --Emo Phillips  \\
}
 
\end{center}
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