# Fortune.txt random sayings to enlighten offend and amuse "I hate quotations." Ralph Waldo Emerson "The tide is turning ... the enemy is suffering \ terrible losses..." - Gen. Geo.A.Custer 'tis an ill wind that blows no minds ...and sometimes a piercer drops by. 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 99.87% of the solar system's weight is in the sun. A bad compromise is better than a good battle. A bird in the bush can't relieve itself in your hand. A bird in the hand does it on your wrist. A clove of garlic a day keeps your best friends away. A corophagist eats dung. A fanatic is one who can't change his mind \ and won't change the subject. A flashback is a man with his raincoat on backwards. A great empire, like a great cake, \ is most easily diminished at the edges. A hen is an egg's way of making another egg. A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. A kiss on the hand might feel very good, \ but a diamond tiara lasts forever. A liberal is someone too poor to be a \ capitalist and too rich to be a communist. A little coitus never hoitus. A man forgives only when he is in the wrong. A man who turns green has eschewed protein. A man's tie should never be louder than his wife. A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. A Puritan is someone who is afraid that \ someone somewhere is having fun. A rumour has it that rumours are just rumours. A Smith and Weston beats four aces. A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. A sword sometimes misses its mark -- a bouquet never. A thing not worth doing is worth not doing well. A volcano is a mountain with hiccups. A winner never quits. A quitter never wins. A wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. Actors will happen in the best-regulated families. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. Air hostesses have the lowest divorce rate amoung working women. Alienation can be fun. All heiresses are beautiful. All in all, it's just another brick in the wall ... All monsters are created evil, but some are more evil than others. All that glitters has a high refractive index. All the wild camels in the world live in Australia. Always attack a floating Eye from behind! Always be aware of the phase of the moon! Always do right. This will gratify \ some people, and astonish the rest. An expert is a person who avoids the small \ errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. An idle mind is worth two in the bush. Anticipated events never live up to expectations. Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to sell it. Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. Australia: where men are men and sheep are nervous. Avoid rape, dress sensibly. Balrogs only appear on the deeper levels. Batman loves Robin. Be careful when the moon is in its last quarter. Be careful when throwing a boomerang - \ you might hit the back of your head. Be friends with the wolf, but keep one hand on your ax. Beauty is skin deep, ugliness goes all the way through. Become a gynacologist, look up a friend today. Begin in the beginning and go on \ till you come to the end; then stop. Better go home and play with your \ kids. They are just little monsters! Better latent than never. Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. Better turn back than lose your way. Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Beware of the Jewish Maffia, Kosher Nostra. Beware of the leopard! Beware of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Blame it on Croesus. It's all his vault! Blessed are they that run around in circles, \ for they shall be known as wheels. Blessed is he that expects nothing, \ for he shall not be disappointed. Break rules OK. Bring back futility. British Airways: We take more fares off you. Bullets don't respect uniforms. Cancer cures smoking. Cannibalize legalis. Change your thoughts and you change your world. Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. Chinese saying: He who speak with \ forked tongue, not need chopsticks. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Close cover before striking. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. Come back Godot, all is forgiven. Common sense is not very common. Conscience doth make cowards of us all. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. Cookery books outsell sex books in the USA by three to one. Could acne be the work of a sane God? Courage is grace under pressure. Creditors have much better memories than debtors. Culture is the habit of being \ pleased with the best and knowing why. Death before dishonour, drugs before lunch. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. Death is the price of evolution. Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than \ half of the people are right more than half of the time. Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm. Depressive neurosis is nothing to laugh about. Discretion is the better part of valor. Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them. Do not take life too seriously: \ you will never get out of it alive. Do not underestimate the power of the Force. Do something big today: lift a boulder. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Do you ever get the feeling that the story's too dam real? Dogs do not eat when the moon is full. Don't be humble, you're not that great. Don't comment bad code -- rewrite it. Don't despair -- your ideal lover is \ waiting for you around the corner. Don't eat yellow snow. Don't force it, use a bigger hammer. Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. Don't make yourself too comfortable.\ You'll be leaving soon. Don't quit now, we might just as well \ lock the door and throw away the key. Don't stop at one bug. Don't tell a soul you found a secret door, \ otherwise it isn't secret anymore. Donald Duck isn't all he's quacked up to be. Drive defensively - buy a tank. Drugs are for people who can't handle reality. Due to lack of interest, today has been cancelled. Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor. Eschatology's days are numbered. Eschew obfuscation. Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it. Euclid was square. Even an abstract virtue needs an occasional break. Even dirty old men need love. Even great wizards turn pale at the \ mere mention of the name Yog Sothoth. Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion. Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. Ever tried to put a Troll into a large box? Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. Every creature has within itself \ the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. Every man has a scheme that will not work. Every nation has the government it deserves. Every silver lining has a cloud inside it. Everybody needs a little love sometime. Everybody ought to have a friend. Everyone is enthusiastic about your work. Everything begins with E. Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Everything you know is wrong! Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. Fear has big eyes. Feel the force Luke. Feudalism: Its your count that votes. Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to \ those who are about to be betrayed. Fight for apathy. Finagle's Law: The perversity of \ the universe tends toward a maximum. Flee at once, all is discovered. Florists are just petal pushers. For any remedy there is a misery. Forgive your enemies and they will return a hundredfold. Free speech has no limits, for those who can afford the fines. Friends may come and friends may go, enemies accumulate. George Orwell was an optimist. George Washington grew marijuana. Give me Librium or give me death. Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect £200. Goat's milk is udder joy. God does not play dice. God helps them that help themselves. God is alive, she just doesn't want to get involved. God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. God may be subtle, but She isn't mean. God must love the common man: They are so common. Gold is a heavy metal. Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. Good intentions randomize behavior. Gossip is the opiate of the depressed. Hackers do it with bugs. Hail Eris! All hail Discordia! Half Moon tonight. \ (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) He who comes latest, is always the greatest. He who hesitates is sometimes saved. He who hesitates looses the parking spot. He who laughs, lasts. He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. He who spends a storm beneath a \ tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. Hell is a good place to visit, \ but you wouldn't want to live there. Hell is empty and all the devils are here. [The Tempest] Heute die welt: Morgens das sonnensystem! Hire the morally handicapped. Honi soit la vache qui rit. How many weeks are there in a light year? How sharper than a hound's \ tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. How you look depends on where you go. Hugh Hefner is a virgin. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop. I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time either. I don't want to be worshipped, I want to be loved. I like work; it fascinates me; \ I can sit and watch it for hours. I smell a maze of twisty little passages all alike. I was a victim of a series of \ accidents, as are we all. I was an athiest until I realised I was God. I will see it when I believe it. I wish you humans would leave me alone. I'm empty and aching and I don't know why. If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there \ will be N-1 passes: Someone in the group has to be the manager. If a listener nods his head when you are \ explaining your program, wake him up. If at first you don't succeed, get new batteries. If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. If everyone was locked up it would be safe on the streets. If God had wanted you to go around nude, \ She would have given you bigger hands. If it doesn't feel good, don't do it. If its worth doing, its worth doing for money. If the human brain was simple enough to \ understand, we'd be so stupid we couldn't. If ther's anything worse than a woman living \ alone, it's a woman saying she likes it. If voting could change things it would be illegal. If we knew where we were going to fall, \ we could have put a cushion there. If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it. If you can't learn to do it well, \ learn to enjoy doing it badly. If you don't know what the program will do,\ you'd better not start writing it. If you have to ask you're not entilted to know. If you sleep under the bed you must be a little potty. If you think before you speak \ the other guy gets his joke in first. If you tickle yourself, you can laugh when you please. If you want a fortune cookie, go to a Chinese restaurant. If you want to know how old \ a man is, ask his brother-in-law. If you're beatiful, admit it. Ignorance is a lack of knowledge. \ Stupidity is ignorance with pride. Ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is when you don't know \ anything and somebody finds it out. In the fight between you and the world, back the world. In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. In unanimity there is cowardice and uncritical thinking. In wickedness there is a strong strain toward rationality. Incest - en lek for hele familien. Inside every large program is a \ small program struggling to get out. Integrity has no need for rules. It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. It is an offence to slam a car door in Switzerland. It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. It is better to have loved \ and lost than just to have lost. It is easier to change the specification \ to fit the program than vice versa. It is easier to fight for one's \ principles than to live up to them. It is easier to write an incorrect \ program than to understand a correct one. It is easy to get lost on a twisting path. It is my firm belief that it \ is a mistake to hold firm beliefs. It's a poor workman who blames his tools. It's all in the mind, ya know. It's better to burn out than to fade away. It's gotta be rock roll music, \ If you wanna dance with me... It's late, you should go home. It's later than you think. Its not the men in your life \ that count, its the life in your men. Jog - and die healthy. Kilroy is dead. King Kong died for your sins. Kings rule men, wise men rule kings. Kiwis are the only bird to hunt by smell. Large cats can be dangerous, \ a little pussy never hurt anyone. Lassie kills chickens. Last guys don't finish nice. Laugh, and the world ignores you. \ Crying doesn't help either. Leda loves swans. Lesbians - when only the brest will do. Less is more. Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Let sleeping dogs lie. Let the machine do the dirty work. Let your conscience be your guide. Let's face it: this time you're not going to win. Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth. Life as we know it doesn't exist. Life is a hereditary disease. Life is full of little \ surprises, and you are one of them. Life is like a sewer, what you get out of \ it depends on what you put into it. Life is like an analogy. Like winter snow on summer \ lawn, time past is time gone. Linda Lovelace's mother went down on the Titanic. Lisp programmers know the value \ of everything and the cost of nothing. Live a clean, healthy life \ and you will soon die of boredom. Live within your income, \ even if you have to borrow to do so. Loatians measure distance in terms \ of the time it takes to cook rice. Long computations that yield \ zero are probably all for naught. Long life is in store for you. Look before you leap. Look both ways before crossing the steet. Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. Love conquers all things. Love is a many-gendered thing. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love means never having to say you're sorry. Love thy neighbour - but don't get caught. Make it right before you make it faster. Man who falls in blast furnace \ is certain to feel overwrought. Man who falls in vat of molten \ optical glass makes spectacle of self. Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. Many are called, few volunteer. Many pages make a thick book. Many pages make a tree. Many receive advice, few profit from it. Marriage is like a dull meal, \ with the dessert at the beginning. Mary Popins shouldn't fly without underware. Masturbation is sex with someone you love. Masturbation is the art of coming unscrewed. Might as well be frank, Monsieur. It \ would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca. Mind your own business, Spock. \ I'm sick of your half-breed interference. Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure. Moderation is a fatal thing. \ Nothing succeeds like excess. Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. Money can`t buy me love. Money is the root of all evil. More than half the men on Corfu are called Spiro. Morse code rules ... --- Most fortunes are just as misleading as this one. Murder is an excellent way of \ dealing with a hostility problem. My karma has just run over my dogma. Never believe what a computer tells you. Never eat anything larger than your head. Never insult an alligator \ until you have crossed the river. Never kick a sleeping dog. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Never meddle in the affairs of Wizards: \ it makes them soggy and hard to light. Never settle with words what you \ can accomplish with a flame thrower. Never take advice from a computer. Never take other peoples advice. Never try to teach a pig to sing: \ it wastes your time and annoys the pig. Never vomit on a door mat. No amount of genius can \ overcome a preoccupation with detail. No arms for the Venus de Milo. No civilized person ever goes \ to bed the same day he gets up. No girdle ever cured a pregnancy. No one can feel as helpless \ as the owner of a sick goldfish. No one ever became a big success \ through listening to his mother. No one throws a stone at a barren tree. No part of this fortune may be \ reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, ... No problem is insoluble \ in all conceivable circumstances. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Nostalgien er ikke som den en gang var. Nothing astonishes men so \ much as common sense and plain dealing. Nothing endures like change. Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Nothing will dispel \ enthusiasm like a small admission fee. Odipus - ring mor. Of all forms of caution, \ caution in love is the most fatal. Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! Oh, what a tangled web we weave \ when first we practice to conceive. Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. On a hot summer night would you offer your \ throat to the wolf with the red roses? Once you understand how to write a program, \ get someone else to write it. One in every 2000 babies is born with teeth. One legged girls are a pushover. One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. One man's constant is another man's variable. Only those who attempt the absurd achieve the impossible. Opportunity knocks but once. Optimization hinders evolution. Pay attention or you will miss all the best jokes. People oppose things because they are ignorant of them. People who hate the light usually hate the truth. People who take cat naps don't \ usually sleep in a cat's cradle. Perry mason bribes judges. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Phone your mother, maybe she \ hasn't had any problems lately. PLEASE ignore previous fortune. Posh glue sniffers are stuck up. Power is poison. Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. Promptness is its own reward, if one \ lives by the clock instead of the sword. Punishment is a blessing in disguise. Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. Pythagoras can't do the cube. Quantity is no substitute for \ quality, but it's the only one we've got. Que sera sera. Quentin Crisp is strait. Question 23: Have you now stopped molesting children?\ Yes [ ] No [ ] Quit work and play for once! Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts frequently make \ a delightful meal for visiting Tourists. Read the fine print. Reading is thinking with someone \ else's head instead of one's own. Reading this fortune confuses you. Reading Tolkien might help you. Reality is for people who can't handle drugs. Recursion is the root of computation \ since it trades description for time. Repent today...you might be too busy tomorrow. Return to sender, address unknown \ No such number, no such zone... Rotten wood can not be carved. Satisfy your cravings. Contact the nearest drug ring. Scissors cut paper... Screw up your courage! \ You've screwed up everything else. Sibling rivalry is for children. Silence those that oppose free speech. Sin against God is one thing; \ sinning against man is worse. Sleep with the rememberance of death, \ rise with the thought that you will not live long. Smile! someone may have a hidden camera. Smile, it makes the world wonder what you are up to. Snails can sleep for four years at a time. Snoopy has fleas. Snow Day -- stay home. Some days the bear will eat you, \ Some days you eat the bear. Some men are discovered; others are found out. Someone is enthusiastic about your work. Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. Something tells me it's all happening at the zoo... Sooner will men hold fire in \ their mouths than keep a secret. Sorry, no fortune this time. Better luck next time! Spar energi. Bli kremert med en venn. Speed Kills (The Doors) St Peter's Rome would fit inside the \ Grotto dei Giganti a cave near Trieste. St Vincent, patron saint of wine, was a teetotaller. Stability itself is nothing \ else than a more sluggish motion. Standing on head makes smile of frown, \ but rest of face also upside down. Start the day with a smile - get it over with. Stop searching forever: happiness is just next to you. Stop searching forever: happiness is unattainable. Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud. Success is a journey, not a destination. Sudden prayers make God jump. Sweet voiced birds are imprisoned, \ Owls are not kept in cages. Sydney Opera House is off-Quay. Tact is the art of making a \ point without making an enemy. Take care of the luxuries and the \ necessities will take care of themselves. Tarantulas can live for two and a half years without food. Taste is the feminine of genius. That which is not good for the swarm, \ neither is it good for the bee. The alchemist dies in pain and frustration -\ while the fool finds treasure in a ruin. The attacker must vanquish; \ the defender need only survive. The Berlin-Bagdad railway was started \ in 1888 and finished in 1940. The best prophet of the future is the past. The cow may be black, but the milk comes out white. The days of good English has went. The degree of civilization in a society \ can be judged by entering its prisons. The door is the key. The early worm gets the bird. The earth shall inherit the meek. The electric blanket was invented in 1949. The end justifies the jeans. The ends justify the means. The faster the plane, the narrower the seats. The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. The Fonz is cool - but Elvis is cold. The future is his who knows how to wait. The future isn't what it used to be. It never was. The gate is gateless. The Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules. The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. The important thing is not to stop questioning. The law of the excluded middle \ either rules or does not rule OK. The life that is unexamined is not worth living. The lion and the calf shall lie down together, \ but the calf won't get much sleep. The man who can smile when things go \ wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. The man who makes no mistakes \ does not usually make anything. The Marquis de Sade sure knew how to hurt a guy. The Mona Lisa was framed. The more things change, the more they remain the same. The octopus has three hearts. The only difference between \ a rut and a grave is their size. The only way to amuse some people \ is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. The opposite of a great truth is also true. The plural of spouse is spice. The postman always rings twice. The price of greatness is responsibility. The shortage will be divided among the poor. The slower you drive, the farther you get. The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. The sun never set on the British Empire \ because the British were scared of the dark. The time is right to make new friends. The Tree of Learning bears the noblest \ fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. The universe is laughing behind your back. The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. There are better information sources than fortune cookies. There are more old drunkards than old doctors. There are no gains without pains, \ but often there are pains without gains. There are seven million lamp posts in Britain. There is no proverb that is not true. There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. There is no sin but ignorance. There never was a good war or a bad peace. There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold. There's a place for us, you know the movie song. There's more to life than meets the mind. There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. Things are more like they used to be than they are now. This fortune intentionally left blank. This fortune is inoperative. \ Please try another. This fortune is intended for \ the private use of our audience. This is a good time to punt work. This is a paid political announcement! This is not a fortune. Those of you who think you know \ everything are annoying to us who do. Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't. Thunder bolts and lightning very very frightning, Galelio. Time and tide wait for no man. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a bannana. Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. Time is nature's way of making sure \ that everything doesn't happen at once. Timothy Leary is an alcoholic. To be great is to be misunderstood. To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. To know thyself is the ultimate form of aggression. To teach is to learn. Today is a good day to \ bribe a high-ranking public official. Tolkein is Hobbit forming. Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas any more! Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. Trust in Allah, but tie your camel anyway. Try not to think of Maud -- \ it will only make you maudlin. Try to divide your time \ evenly to keep others happy. Try to get paid in advance. Steady is all right, slow is useless. Turn the other cheek. Two men look out through the same bars; \ one sees mud, and one the stars. Uneasy lies the head, but only at \ first. The lying gets easier. Unicorns do it for the money. Variables don't, constants aren't. Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. Vote Anarchrist. Voyeurs Drool, OK. Walk softly and carry a big stick. We all know that no one \ understands anything that isn't funny. We are all related: the same sun dries our rags. We are always the same age inside. We give advice, \ but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. Whales cannot swim backwards. What can the tiger catch in the \ dark recesses of his own lair? What did morons do before CB was invented? What do you mean Flash Gordon approaching? What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? When a monkey examines a mirror no wise man looks out. When choosing between two evils, \ always try the one you have never tried before. When in charge, ponder; \ when in doubt, mumble; \ when in trouble, delegate. When in doubt, lead trump. When in doubt, worry. When it gomes to dying for your country,\ its better not to die at all. When the sheath is broken, you can't hide the sword. When we write programs that "learn," \ it turns out that we do and they don't. When you're in it up to your nose, keep your mouth shut. When your opponent is down - kick him. Who wants to be a millionaire? Who was that masked man? Why does free love cost so much? With clothes the new are best, \ with friends the old are best. With friends like yours who needs enemas? Work is the curse of the drinking class. You are in a maze of twisty \ little passages, all alike. You can do more with a kind word and a gun \ than you can with only a kind word. You can never do merely one thing. You can observe a lot by watching. You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. You cannot trust fortunes. You don't have to rehearse to be yourself. You don't know what you've got till its gone. You feel like someone is pulling your leg. You fill a much-needed gap. You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. You have a tendency to feel \ you are superior to most computers. You have an ambitious nature \ and may make a name for yourself. You have the right to remain silent. You never get a hangover from other people's vodka. You should suffer for your wickedness! You shoulda toined left at Albequoique! You will attract cultured \ and artistic people to your home. You will be surprised by a loud noise. You will feel hungry again in another hour. You will step on the night soil of many countries. You won't get away this time, Baggins! You'll never be the man your mother was. You're never alone with schizophrenia.