----------------------------------------------------------------------------- *-D-*-*-O-*-*-O-*-*-M-* I N S A N I T Y Release v5.5 - STANDARD Revision Written by: Hank Leukart (ap641@cleveland.freenet.edu) "DOOM: Where the sanest place... is behind a trigger." "DOOM: Such mayhem the likes of which have never been witnessed in this particular dimension!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ============ INTRODUCTION ============ DOOM iNsAnItY started as a small joke in the first "Official" DOOM FAQ v1.0. It slowly grew, and by v5.0 of the FAQ, it was almost 20% of 100k FAQ! I finally decided to release it as a seperate file. This will probably be the last release of DOOM iNsAnItY, so enjoy it while you can! ================= TABLE OF CONTENTS ================= [1] Comedy [1-1] A word from Douglas J. Bottoms [1-2] DOOM: The Real Thing [1-3] Beta-Tester's Joystick Sliced Off While Sleeping at Computer! [1-4] The Night Before DOOM [1-5] You know you have been playing DOOM too much when... [2] Top Ten Lists [2-1] Top Ten Things To Do While Waiting for DOOM [2-2] Top Ten Things To Do Until DOOM Arrives [2-3] Top Ten Things Being Removed From DOOM During Delay [2-4] Top Ten Reasons DOOM Was Delayed [2-5] Top Twenty Comments Made After DOOM's Release [3] DOOM R.E.M. [3-1] Pixelated Demons [3-2] The Mythical Beta Releases [3-3] You Don't Take MasterCard?! ------------------- CHAPTER [1]: Comedy ------------------- This is the chapter of DOOM iNsAnItY where free-form comedy is written. [1-1]: A word from Douglas J. Bottoms ===================================== FOREWORD: Here's the first addition to DOOM iNsAnItY! This was posted on comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Thursday, October 21, 1993. He speaks on a new game idea: id programmers as bad guys in DOOM. ---------- Subject: NEW GAME! id programmers as bad guys in DOOM! From: Douglas J. Bottoms Date: Thu Oct 21 10:00:02 1993 That's it!! I new twist on the game!!! The DOOM good guys are idle gaming buffs who have finally cracked and can no longer wait for the release of the only game that will make ALL OTHER games seem like PONG! Blind Wolfenstein will no longer simmer the anger! They go slap-happy and grab their multidimensional boots and gloves (with snazzy smooth shading) and go to the id programmers' dungeon/lair. It will be a slaughter! Pixilated programmers, peeved project leaders, panting personnel...the works. The big bosses could be just that, the big bosses, especially the one who just made a press release that DOOM would be delayed another few months (this is make believe, of course - (squint) you aren't going to delay the release (pant, pant); look into my eyes (o)(o) (imagine reversing sound) and repeat after me, "I must release DOOM soon. I must program, eat, sleep day and night." Mu who ha ha ha!). Excuse my sanity. I get a bit zany when I get thinking about the soon to be released game that will resolve the U.S.' Deficit and save the rats from being beheaded on the space shuttle. I see the sun raising... The thoughts expressed here are entirely my own and do not necessarily reflect the thoughts of any other individual or group affiliated with Eli Lilly and Company. ---------- [1-2]: DOOM: The Real Thing =========================== FOREWORD: This messages was posted from gills@qucdn.queensu.ca on Usenet in the group comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Monday, November 15, 1993. He has a new idea: playing DOOM in REAL LIFE! ---------- Howdy, Yes, like all you DOOM fans I have been eagerly awaiting the release date for this landmark game. Although I was very disappointed in the release date being bumped up from 3rd quarter '93 to Dec 10, I limited my anger and frustration to strangling my neighbour's cat (didn't like it much anyways.... ;) ). But, NOW I'm forced to read all the great stuff about the Beta release that some people have been lucky enough to get their hands on. ....well, not FORCED to read it, but I can't help absorbing every bit of information I can possibly locate. :) I can't handle the fact that some people have tried the game now, and I haven't, so I thought I might pull out my brass knuckles and 12 gauge pump shotgun and start up a *REAL* DOOM game. I figured that I, and 3 other frustrated DOOM awaiters, could meet up at an abandoned warehouse or something and have a rip snortin' Death Match of our own. We could throw some shotgun shells and ammo boxes randomly around the place, along with some first-aid kits (fine for light grazes from perhaps a .22 calibre round but not much good for a 12 gauge belly wound :) ) - then we go at it !!! Granted, there won't be any monsters in this place, like there are in DOOM, but I do have a pretty ugly cousin I could trick into coming; and with a quick dunk in some gray paint I'm convinced he could bear a passable resemblance to a gargoyle . So ....any takers? Heh, heh, heh. Note: This a JOKE, only a joke....that's J-O-K-E..as in, I'm not serious. If you are a certified nut-bar who would like to really try this out don't bother calling me up....I get faint from tension just playing Paintball :) But, seriously...I CAN wait until Dec 10 to play DOOM but it's getting pretty tense doing the waiting game. I guess in the mean time I can go pick up some Depends (adult diapers) and some I.V. supplies so I'll be prepared on Dec 10 to stay on the computer playing DOOM steadily until I collapse from exhaustion. Of course if a copy of Beta-DOOM *DID* happen to make it's way to me, I would still download the shareware version and register/pay for the full release. I swear I would....really...I promise....scout's honor...anyone?..anyone? OK, so sue me, I had to ask. :) P.S. If this game is good as it's suppose to be, I'm gonna name my first born child "ID".... IDDY?...IDarina?...IDI-Sue?.... ---------- [1-3]: Beta-Tester's Joystick Sliced Off While Sleeping at Computer! ==================================================================== FOREWORD: I received this piece of hilarious E-mail from John Romero. This was written by Douglas Howell (one of the DOOM Beta-testers) when id decided to axe the entire Beta-tester list and start from scratch. Douglas Howell will be reinstated as a Beta-tester, as soon as his "joystick" heals. :) Let the Bobbitt saga continue! ---------- NEWSFLASH: Beta tester's joystick sliced off while sleeping at computer! At a news conference today, a beta tester of software said that he had fallen asleep while testing a game for id Software, developers of the best-seliing game Wolfenstein 3D. Awaking in the middle of the night, he looked down and to his horror discovered that three-fourths of his joystick had been sliced cleanly off. When questioned, id Software admitted to doing the deed and charged that the beta tester was a two-timer. Id spokesman Shawn Green stated-- "What was done had to be done. Id was definitely not satisfied by this guy's performance. All he cared about was taking software and sticking it into other people's hard drives!". The severed joystick was later found by police on a street corner. Apparently id had fled the scene with the sliced piece still in hand and tossed it out a car window. Surgeons have since sewn the stick back on, but it seems to malfunction whenever playing id's beta software. Doctors predict that the joystick should perform normally again by December 10th. ---------- [1-4]: The Night Before DOOM ============================ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- T H E N I G H T B E F O R E *-D-*-*-O-*-*-O-*-*-M-* Written by: Hank Leukart (ap641@cleveland.freenet.edu) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- `Twas the night before DOOM, and all through the house, I had set up my multi-playing networks, each with a mouse. The networks were strung, with extra special care in hopes that DOOM, soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of demons danced through their heads. And my computer's processor it was so quick, boy was I glad I bought that 486. When out on the Internet there was a Usenet posting, I dialed right in to see what it was boasting. Off to the news reader I flew like a hound, "Oh no," I cried! The news reader was down! Frustrated, bewildered, feeling really low, I leaned back to see what I heard out the window. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a group of 6 cars, driving 60 I fear! With a big young driver, just look at him go! I knew in a moment, it must be John Romero! Over the speed limit, his band of cars came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name: "Now, Jay! Now, John! Now, Dave and Kevin! On, Adrian! On, Sandy! On, Shawn and Robert!" To the top of the driveway! Don't hit that wall! Now stop your car, stop your car, stop your car all! Leaving the car, he entered the house, Walking quietly, so as to not wake the spouse. He was dressed in a T-shirt, and a a pair of jeans too, I was unsure of what he was going to do. Boxes of DOOM he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. Those boxes - how they sparkled! The shrink-wrap so tight! The character was drawn on the front, just ready to fight! The Chain Saw and Shotgun he held in his hand, Where was the BFG9000?: The best gun in the land. And then I saw it, strapped to his back, Along with a copy of the "Official" DOOM FAQ! A wink of John's eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, Installed it on the network, then turned with a jerk. And placing a hand into his jeans, out came his keys - oh how they gleamed! He sprang to his car, to the id team gave a whistle, and away they all drove, like DOOM's launching of a missile. But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "DEMONS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A HELLISH NIGHT!" [1-5]: You know you have been playing DOOM too much when... =========================================================== DOOM is a great game! But don't let it take over your life! :) You know you have been playing DOOM too long... ...when going to sleep you open the bedroom's door and instead of turning lights on you fire a missile into the room. ...when you sleep with a chainsaw under your pillow,and justify it with 'you never know what lurks in the dark'. ...when going into a room or getting off an elevator, you run in and out quickly to see what follows you out. ...you don't worry so much about getting hurt, since you'll probably pick up one of those blue spheres somewhere. ...watching someone come out of an elevator makes your mouse finger twitch ...when the dog growls and you dive over the couch while reaching for a shotgun. ...when you start side-stepping into rooms. ...when you push on a wall as you walk down the hall looking for secret entrances ...when you rush for a neon-blue down vest in K-Mart ...when you reach for your chainsaw when your wife's cold gives her the sniffles ...when you search for a radiation suit before going into a swimming pool ...when you instinctively target trash cans while walking around campus/work ...when you look for sniper spots above you when getting in an elevator. ...when you can't stop squinting as you walk around your house ...when you think you can actually walk through walls ...when you start making chainsaw noises if you hear a strange noise. ...when you wish you had a chainsaw, just in case. ...when you buy a radiation suit and Infra-red goggles, just in case. -------------------------- CHAPTER [2]: Top Ten Lists -------------------------- Here, humorous top ten lists regarding DOOM are written. Actually, this is a lie. Some of the lists have more than ten things. However, for the sake of simplicity, I call them top ten lists. [2-1]: Top Ten Things to Do While Waiting for DOOM ================================================== FOREWORD: This was posted on America Online, by someone using the name "Wolkonsky" on August 27, 1993. ---------- Well, here we are waiting another 2-3 months [for DOOM]. What else can we do? 1) Search the Internet for Beta Version. 2) See if we can go through Wolfenstein 3-D with our eyes closed. 3) Use MapEdit/WolfEdit to make Wolfenstein 3-D "look like" DOOM. 4) Find out where the id "lab" is and "encourage" them. 5) Watch the new 90210 episode! 6) See if Blake Stone or Rampage will be any good. 7) Upload the Lemmings Demo as "DOOM10.ZIP" and see what happens. 8) Get girlfriends and drop them on 12/10/93, unless they like DOOM and have a computer with a modem. 9) Or lastly, look at DOOM slides and "pretend" we are playing. ---------- [2-2]: Top Ten Things To Do Until DOOM Arrives ============================================== FOREWORD: This was posted on America Online, by someone using the name "ScottBro" on October 7, 1993. ---------- Top 10 Things To Do Until DOOM arrives 10. Get a marker and change boxes of George Lucas's "LOOM" to "DOOM" to confuse over-anxious gamers. 9. Issue bogus press release from the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientist, saying the DOOMsday clock will strike midnight sometime before September 30, 1993. 8. Get a date with someone from L7. 7. When feeling depressed due to the wait, chant the B.J. Blaskowitz mantra, "This is my rifle, This is my gun, This is for killing, this is for fun. 6. Memorize the July Computer Gaming World, pages 104-5, preview of DOOM. 5. Get network and sound card installed on all systems at the office. 4. Make DOOM acronyms, like "Dantes Obsessive Outrageous Marauders" 3. Tell boss I'll need two weeks vacation on very short notice during the third quarter, due to pending family crisis. 2. Figure a way to persuade Id to allow imports of faces on monsters, so we can make creatures like the: Sunnunu Bloated Beast, the Michael Bolton Shrieker, and the Ex-Wife from Hell, where she belongs. 1. Try and make friends with the Big Blue guys from Wolfie; We might need help this time. ---------- [2-3]: Top Ten Things Being Removed From DOOM During Delay ========================================================== FOREWORD: This was posted on America Online, by someone using the name "Wolkonsky" on August 31, 1993. ---------- The DOOM Delay of `93 might be worse than we first thought! Here is a list of things that I heard were being taken out of DOOM. 1) Socks the Cat 2) Cameo by the Mario Brothers (you thought the Pac-Man Ghosts were bad) 3) The "Shawngreen" monster in level 3 (too scary, it went around screaming "Its not done yet! Not yet!") 4) Cindy Crawford workout in level 4 5) Vanilla Ice-Amy Grant theme song 6) "Fun with Barney" puzzle in level 2 7) Pin Up GIF of Sally Struthers. 8) "John 3:15" : various locations 9) "Bulges" in monsters groin area AND FINALLY, 10) The Bathroom Scenes. ---------- [2-4]: Top Ten Reasons DOOM Was Delayed ======================================= FOREWORD: This was posted by an unknown source at an unknown location, on September 21, 1993. If you know who the writer is, please send me some E-mail so I can give appropriate credit. ---------- The following is intended to be humorous, with no ill intent whatsoever. I hope everyone takes it in the spirit it is given. ;) DAVE: "I have in my hand here tonight's Top 10 List from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa. Actually, it's a Top 15." (show the special graphics) DAVE: "Them special effects is fantastic!" (grin) "Tonight's category is: Top 15 reasons DOOM's release was delayed to December 10th. Here we go..." 15. Added near death sequence when player is shot full of holes. 14. Added networking capability via spaghetti noodles. 13. "If Origin can do it, so can we." 12. They want to ensure it won't run under Windows. 11. Currently using DOOM as negotiating tool to get Ukraine to give up nukes. 10. Fighting lawsuit from Apogee claiming DOOM is their 'intellectual property'. (for those Letterman fans) 9. They want to increase fourth quarter earnings. 8. The bosses wife wants to 'redecorate' the levels. 7. They want to make a politically correct version. 6. id aspires to be the next Microsoft. 5. NASA lost the source code. 4. Bill's waiting for Hillary's permission to release game. (oops, sorry, that's the Health Care Reform Package) 3. John's dog ate his computer. 2. Ran out of bug spray. DAVE: "And the number one reason DOOM's release was delayed..." 1. They want the game's release to be just in time for Christmas shopping. ---------- [2-3]: Top Twenty Comments Made After DOOM's Release ==================================================== FOREWORD: This dream was posted by Michael Pemberton on Usenet in the group comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Saturday, December 11, 1993. ---------- For those of you who just don't have the time to read the voluminous number of postings which are destined to appear about DOOM over the next two weeks or so, I offer the following list which should summarize the gist of those postings. Out of courtesy to others, I suggest that posters review this list, include the appropriate number in their subject headers, and allow others to select the postings they wish to read with some foreknowledge of their contents. Those who wish to add to this list may do so; if interest continues, I will post updated versions for the convenience of all. 1) DOOM is the greatest, bitchenest, most radical game of all time. I loved it. I've played it for forty hours non-stop, only stopping for periodic caffeine breaks, and I plan to play it for at least forty hours more before collapsing into a quivering mass of protoplasm. Go DOOM! Go DOOM! Yaaaaaaaaaay! 2) DOOM sucks! Heehh-heeeh. Heehhh-heeeeh. Heehh-heeh. 3) Hey, ID! When you said that you were going to get DOOM out on the 10th, everyone thought that meant it would show up on sites at 12:01 AM. If you knew there was going to be a delay, why didn't you have the courtesy to tell us? 4) When is DOOM II coming out? 5) What's DOOM? 6) Everyone's talking about this DOOM thing, but I can't find it on my site anywhere. I even tried the 127.0.0.1 site that someone recommended, but it's not there either. What gives? 7) When I tried running DOOM on my IBM XT, it wouldn't play. Is this a bug? 8) DOOM's not so hot because [choose one]: (a) The graphics are too dark, (b) it's too slow on my AT, (c) it's too fast on my Pentium/66, (d) it's too bloody and violent, (e) it's not bloody and violent enough, (f) it's too hard to set up, (g) it takes too much memory to run, (h) there should be a lot more weapons available early in the game, (i) Duke Nukem II is a lot more fun. 9) Compared to DOOM, Blake Stone is a wimpy piece of crap. 10) Compared to Blake Stone; DOOM is a wimpy piece of crap. 11) Anyone wonder how much money ID is going to make off this game? 12) What's the big deal? DOOM is just a rehash of Wolfenstein, and I got tired of playing that weeks ago. 13) Hey, I played DOOM for about 80 hours over the last couple of weeks and I'm giving copies of it to all my relatives for Christmas, but I'm not going to BUY it from ID because [choose one]: (a) ID's making too much money anyway, (b) forty dollars is way out of line for a game like this, (c) I couldn't figure out how to get into that area with the blue face, and I don't think games should be this hard, (d) what good is a game you can only play for a few hundred hours?, (e) I can get it from that computer geek down the hall for free anyway. 14) Would someone post a map showing all the secret areas in DOOM? 15) Would someone uuencode DOOM and post it here? 16) Where are the rockets, chainguns, armor enhancers, medkits, ammo boxes, [you name it] in the [name an area]? 17) What are the cheat keys for the shareware version of DOOM? 18) What do you mean there are no cheat keys for the shareware version of DOOM? I think that ID shows a real lack of respect for its potential customers by taking out the shareware cheat keys. 19) DOOM was way overhyped. 20) DOOM lived up to its publicity and our expectations. 21) There I was, playing DOOM, and suddenly I was dropped out of the game with an "Out of hunk" error. What sloppy programming! 22) Shame on ID for releasing a game that is still so full of bugs (even though I haven't found any yet)! They're as bad as Origin! 23) A hearty thanks to Hank Leukart, Jay Wilbur, and everyone else at ID for being so supportive and tolerant of sometimes-whiney, sometimes- impatient, but almost always appreciative gameplayers (like me) who love to see excellent games like this one succeed. ---------- ------------------------ CHAPTER [3]: DOOM R.E.M. ------------------------ David Reeve Sward suggested that I add a section in the FAQ for people who have been dreaming about DOOM while sleeping. I told him it was crazy until three people posted messages about having "DOOM Dreams." Here they are, pixelated and all! [3-1]: Pixelated Demons ======================= FOREWORD: This dream was posted by David Reeve Sward on Usenet in the group comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Tuesday, November 2, 1993. ---------- A few days ago I awoke in the middle of a dream about DOOM...! I was firing the shotgun at a pixelated (yes, my dream was pixelated) demon when my alarm clock went off (well, it turned the radio on :). Haven't seen any alpha or beta version, only the screen shots. Time to schedule an appointment with a local shrink... I can't imagine what shape I'll be in once the game is actually released :). ---------- [3-2]: The Mythical Beta Releases ================================= FOREWORD: This dream was posted by Christopher Johnson on Usenet in the group comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Tuesday, November 2, 1993. ---------- Strange enough, I had a dream about DOOM last evening, too. I dreamt that I had found the mythical beta release version lying around on a FTP site, downloaded it, and actually got to play it before anyone else. Now, I know I could just do this anyways, but I have too many morals. What are you doing to us, Jay, now we're DREAMING about getting DOOM... SIGH.. --------- [3-3]: You Don't Take Mastercard?! ================================== FOREWORD: This dream was posted from szwells@hamlet.ucdavis.edu on Usenet in the group comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Tuesday, November 2, 1993. ---------- While you all were dreaming, I was having some serious nightmares. DOOM was released early and I went down to buy it ASAP. When I opened my wallet, it was empty. And they wouldn't accept credit or personal checks... I spent the rest of the night trying to scrounge up the cash to buy it. It was not a pretty sight! ----------