 =================  -------
 Delta's Magic Bar  Delta 1
 =================  -------

                                Deep Starzy 11 
                         Part 5, 11-P Subsection 92-R
                          Strangeness as an Art Form

                                                           (c) 1994 Delta 1...

     Welcome to the Nutty News of the day with that ever-popular news persona, 
Harmony, the talking can of Spam. 

     "Hi gang, Harmony here with the latest Nutty News and a recap of the last 
wild and wonderful chapter of Deep Starzy 11," started Harmony as Talkie the 
Toaster hovered across the set.  "Oh hi there, Talkie, what can I do for you?" 
greeted Harmony.

     "Well, for starters you could tell me why you're doing my show," probed 
Talkie.

     "Sorry, but you see, you've been replaced--by me!" beamed  Harmony.

     "Replaced?  By a talking can of pork shoulder?  I'll see about that," 
threatened Talkie as he stormed off to find someone who could see about it. 

     "Well, that was very...  Now back to the important news of the day," 
Harmony started again.

     "Demented Sushi fails to strike, again.  The chocolate chip cookies and  
rubber Pee-Pees--even the werecookies were only the tip of the iceberg.  Now 
Demented Sushi has not done a bloody thing!  That's right, Demented Sushi has 
hatched a plot so exotic that even our best reporters and paid snoops haven't 
been able to uncover the faintest trace of a clue to what Demented Sushi is up 
to.

     "In an effort to generate a story out of nothing at all, our eye-witless 
news team has come up with an exclusive interview with an eyewitness to this 
bizarre and demented nothingness, a Miss Wild One.  After a large bribe  
consisting of a number of whips, chains and paddles, along with a deluxe 
collection of latex goods, Miss Wild One revealed that Demented Sushi has been 
up to nothing at all.  Then she ordered us off her front porch at the point of 
a shotgun as a leather nun walked up her garden path with a bucket of 
chocolate syrup and a giant economy-size tin of whipped cream.

     "This reporter is clue-less, yet again.  I'm sure there's a story lurking 
here somewhere, and if not, we're perfectly capable of inventing one," Harmony 
said cheerfully.

     "Now for that Magic Bar recap.  It started with the crew of the carship  
Dented Pride on a mission to explore the underside of Mush Limbra's mind.  At 
the same space-time interface, Mush had joined forces with Dr. Jerky Feelgood.  
Of course, they soon hatched a plan to get rich by starting another dark age."  

     "Only one thing stood in their way:  Starzy, that pizza eating Cosmic 
Entity and all-around nice guy.  After failing to frame Starzy as a baby seal 
killer, Dr. Feelgood evangelized on the emergency broadcast system, and his 
faithful followers sent him lots of money before going out Starzy-hunting.

     "At this point, things get unclear--what with the universe exploding all 
the time, authors in hot tubs, and carships flying in and out of people's 
ears.  The subplots are even more muddled with the verbal assaults of Mush 
Limbra and Dr. Jerky Feelgood and the cross-pollinating attempts of two 
generations of carship captains.

     "Frankly, it's a mess, with people leaping from the subplots into the 
main plot at will, ex-presidents in teddies, and baby biker seals tossing 
around storm troopers like beach balls.  And we're not even counting the 
meeting before every chapter starts, where the author tries to get the editor 
into a hot tub of something edible--or was that editable?--while characters 
from the alleged story make fatuous remarks.  But the real icing on the cake 
was the author's taking a two-week vacation and leaving the words on their own 
to write the story, and they did a better job than he did!  What's next?" 
chimed Harmony.

                        We now return you to the plot.

     A great shining light and the sound of heavenly music interrupt the plot,  
if there is indeed one, before it's even started.

[Editor's Note:  Let me guess, your dog ate your plot line.]  
[Delta's Note:  Naw, she buried it in the back yard--thought it was a bone.] 
[Talkie's Note:  I've been replaced by a talking tin of Spam!]   
[Editor's Note:  Is there a chance there will be a plot in this chapter?] 
[Delta's Note:  Well yes, I do have a plot in mind.]
[Starzy's Note:  I think the toaster is upset about something.] 
[Editor's Note:  I take it the plot you have in mind involves getting me naked 
in a jello-filled hot tub.] 
[Delta's Note:  No, I've something better in mind.] 
[Demented Sushi's Note:  Why am I dressed up like a leather nun?] 
[Editor's Note:  Let me guess, now you want me naked in pudding.] 
[Talkie's Note:  No, I'm not upset, I'm pissed!] 
[Delta's Note:  Naw, I had a giant blueberry turnover in mind.] 
[Starzy's Note:  Sushi also seems less than happy.] 
[Editor's Note:  Do they know you've escaped from the loony bin?] 
[Demented Sushi's Note:  I'm not unhappy, I'm demented!] 
[Delta's Note:  Would a cheese Danish be more to your liking?] 
[Talkie's Note:  How can you talk of sex and Danish at a time like this?] 
[Editor's Note:  No, nor would I be tempted by an apple strudel.]  
[Delta's Note:  A chocolate cupcake perhaps?]  
[Editor's Note:  I'd rather spend the weekend in a roach motel.] 
[Starzy's Note:  I think I should point out that Talkie has a can opener.] 
[Talkie's Note:  And I know how to use it!] 
[Delta's Note:  So Sushi, how about a bit of fun in a cupcake?] 
[Demented Sushi's Note:  He's hitting on me.  This proves the monkeys and  
typewriters theory, as for sure.] 
[Delta's Note:  It's just not my day.]

The Shining light and heavenly music fade out as we return to the plot line.  
[Editor's Note:  And not a moment too soon, I might add...]

     Captain's Log:  Captain James T. Jerk at the helm of the carship Dented  
Pride, a much-modified '57 Chevy BelAir with La-Bomba pipes in the rear window 
and a Muntz 4-track tape player that went of of style in 1962. 

     We have entered the great vastness that is Mush Limbra's mind and been  
kicked out of it by a strange, glowing obelisk.  I did the only thing a 
carship captain could do.  I went out for pizza, restocked the ship and was  
nearly cross-pollinated.  So naturally I headed for the strangest place in the 
known universe, the lefty side of Mush Limbra's mind.  

     On the campus of Give me Liberty or Give me Death University, a strange 
noise erupted from the super-secret, mind control research lab.  "Aliens in my 
head, indeed," stormed Mush Limbra for the thirty-seventh time that afternoon.

     "They got it all on video tape, fer gosh sakes," remarked Dr. Jerky 
Feelgood from the sofa.

     "Video tape, what of it?  Look at the King case; those cops were guilty 
as hell.  The proof is right there on the tape.  By the time the trial was 
over, it might as well have been the front page of the Interrogater," ranted 
Mush.  

     "Yeah well, don't look now, but YOU are on the front page of the 
Interrogater.  Plotting with three-headed aliens on the White House lawn, I 
believe.  You also seem to be appearing nude on the cover of Crazed Magazine," 
laughed Dr. Feelgood as he pushed copies toward Mush.  

     Mush glanced at the covers of both publications.  "Yeah, that's the 
ticket.  I'll buy some experts, show selected parts of the tape out of context 
over and over again, and then claim it was all a plot by Russ Troll," he 
giggled.

     On the other side of the campus, a group of students studying for their 
degrees in advanced financial skullduggery leapt to their feet as one and set 
off in search of their mentor, Dr. Jerky Feelgood. 

     The phone rang as Starzy was sitting down to breakfast with his army of  
baby biker seals.  He reached over and flipped the speaker phone on.  "Hello,  
hello?  Is anyone there?" came the voice of Chief of Police Ronald Raygun over 
the speaker. 

     Starzy looked at the phone as if were a snake about to strike, and one of 
the baby biker seals arfed.  "Ah, there is somebody there.  I'd like to order 
a pizza with everything on it and a couple of thermonuclear bombs.  Can I get 
a liter of Pepsi to go with that, and--oh, a B-1 bomber and some of those 
twisty bread sticks.  Just charge it to my Swiss bank account," ordered the 
ex-president.  A baby biker seal arfed again.  The speaker went "click." 

     Starzy blinked.  A B-1 bomber loaded with two thermonuclear bombs, a 
pizza, and an order of twisty bread sticks appeared over the Raygun bunker and 
shopping mall and just sorta hovered there as Starzy set his kitchen timer. 

     ********** Hot Chat Me 4995 *****  logging in on line 125 *********

*Demented Sushi 1095*  /p25  He's back, again... 
*MoonTide Starzy 25*  /p1095  Just like that pink bunny. 

     ********** Hot Chat Me 4995 *****  logging in on line 190 *********

*Demented Sushi 1095*  /p25  He's not a quitter, I'll give him that.  
*MoonTide Starzy 25*  /p1095 You'd think he'd detect a pattern in this. 
*Demented Sushi 1095*  /p25  I don't think he's that bright. 
*MoonTide Starzy 25*  /p1095  How bright do you have to be to know not to try 
                              to hot chat the sysop?  
*Demented Sushi 1095*  /p25  Brighter than a burned-out light bulb.

     ********** Hot Chat Me 4995 *****  logging in on line 009 *********

     ********** Hot Chat Me 4995 *****  logging in on line 300 *********

     ********** Hot Chat Me 4995 *****  logging in on line 099 *********

     ********** Hot Chat Me 4995 *****  logging in on line 165 *********

     ********** Hot Chat Me 4995 *****  logging in on line 049 *********

     ********** Hot Chat Me 4995 *****  logging in on line 050 *********

*Demented Sushi 1095*  /p25  1100 bumps and counting.

    ********** Hot Chat Me 4995 *****  logging in on line 089 *********

*MoonTide Starzy 25*  /p1095 1101 and he just keeps going.

     Dr. Feelgood knew what was coming.  It had been happening all day, after 
all.  He got up from the sofa, walked across the room, opened the front door, 
and the students' bright and eager eyes greeted him.  "I'm afraid it's yet 
another false alarm," he informed them.

     A spokesperson for the students stepped forward.  "No need for an 
exorcism then?" probed the spokesperson.

     "It's just the sound of a soul in torment.  Nothing at all to be 
concerned about, unless someone's watching you," lectured Dr. Feelgood for the 
thirty-seventh time that afternoon.

     "So what if there are aliens in my head?  If I were an alien, I would 
visit the head of the most intelligent and well-informed person on the planet.  
Why, it is a sign of greatness to have these aliens in my head!" ranted Mush 
as he placed a garden hose up to his left ear.

     "You're sure he's not possessed?" queried the spokesperson.

     "Naw, he's just a jerk," commented Feelgood, who almost wished Mush was 
possessed by a hell-spawned demon, on the theory that it had to be a much 
nicer house guest even if it did spit up pea soup while its head rotated 360 
degrees. 

     "Perhaps he's a saint.  He does seem to be speaking in tongues," ventured 
the spokesperson, who seemed very sure something supernatural was going on.

     "Don't be silly.  Saints have to be..." started Feelgood as a light bulb 
exploded into dollar signs in his mind, "...dead," he finished. 

     Meanwhile, 27 minutes and 13 seconds after the phone call had been 
placed, Starzy, that pizza-eating cosmic entity, was watching his 200-inch 
mega-monster video TV and feeding his army of baby biker seals fresh haddock 
when the words "Emergency News Break" appeared on the screen.

     Starzy reached for the remote control as a picture of Dr. Jerky Feelgood  
flashed on the screen.  He pressed the button.  The station flipped and the  
same picture was there with a slightly different point of view.  He pressed 
the button again.  The picture wavered.  "And the Lord has spoken to me,"  
started Dr. Feelgood.  Starzy quickly mashed the button again.  "And He has 
said," resumed Feelgood and Starzy pounded the button once more.  "That Mush 
Limbra is chosen of the Lord," finished Feelgood.  Starzy dropped the remote 
and his jaw.

     At the same point in space-time, yet at a different event interface that 
happened to be inside Mush Limbra's head, the carship Dented Pride was in a 
pitched battle with that other carship Dented Prize.  Of course, it didn't 
look like a pitched battle.  Nothing at all seemed to be going on and this 
was, in fact, perfectly reasonable as they were the scaled-down equivalent of  
several light years apart.  Nevertheless, a pitched battle of epic proportions 
was indeed being conducted.

     On the flip side of the event interface, Dr. Jerky Feelgood pressed the 
button on what appeared to be the remote control for his car's alarm system.  
The stage Feelgood stood on exploded into a display of fireworks as a laser 
produced a glow around Mush's head.  The appearance of wings fluttered from 
his back as heavenly music played.  The crowd cheered, the collection buckets 
were passed, and Starzy's jaw was headed to the basement as Mush stepped up to 
the microphone.

    ********** Hot Chat Me 4995 *****  logging in on line 789 *********

*Demented Sushi 1095*  /p25  1 million bumps and counting. 
*MoonTide Starzy 25*  /p1095  Wake me when he hits a billion.

     At that moment, Captain James T. Jerk was glaring into the view screen, 
and the image of Captain Pickle Head glared back at him. To those untutored in 
the ways of carship captains, it looked like nothing much was going on.  In  
fact, nothing much was going on. 

     Nothing, that is, but an epic battle of super egos conducted on an 
etheric plane that simply reeked of supernatural nonsense.  In that place, the 
super egos of the carship captains appeared as giants locked in a wrestler's 
embrace, enveloped by a blazing cloud of energy from which only one of them 
would emerge. 
