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                 The World According to Student Bloopers                    
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 Note: Extreme care has been taken to preserve all the misspellings found   
 in the original document.  Enjoy!!                                         
                The World According to Student Bloopers                     
                           Richard Lederer                                  
                          St. Paul's School                                 
                    (Reprinted without permission)                          
                                                                            
 One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is       
 receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have   
 pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably      
 genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United       
 States, from grade eight through college level.  Read carefully, and you   
 will learn a lot.                                                          
                                                                            
 The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in the Sarah     
 Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such that    
 the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert    
 are cultivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the     
 shape of a huge triangular cube.  The Pramids are a range of mountains     
 between France and Spain.                                                  

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 The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of the    
 Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of    
 their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to  
 sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Issac, stole his        
 brother's birthmark.  Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve      
 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it.  One of Jacob's sons,  
 Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.                                     
                                                                            
 Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaved to make bread without straw.  Moses led   
 them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread      
 made without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide  
 to get the ten commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing   
 the liar.  He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in  
 biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500       
 porcupines.                                                                
                                                                            
 Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented three   
 kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.  They also had myths.  A  
 myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped   
 him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.  Achilles appears in   

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 "The Illiad" by Homer.  Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope   
 was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.  Actually,      
 Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.            
                                                                            
 Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.  
 They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.               
                                                                            
 In The Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and   
 threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The         
 government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into    
 their own hands.                                                           
                                                                            
 One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in   
 their tea.  Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post   
 without stamps.  During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing    
 balls over stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.   
 Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.     
                                                                            
 Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented           
 Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two      

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 singers of the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin had gone to Boston   
 carying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.  
 He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse    
 divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still   
 dead.                                                                      
                                                                            
 George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father  
 of Our Country.  Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted    
 to secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the people enjoyed   
 the right to keep bare arms.                                               
                                                                            
 Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's mother     
 died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his    
 own hands.  When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.  He  
 said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg   
 address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an    
 Envelope.  He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the           
 Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.  But the Clue Clux   
 Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.    
 On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot   

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 in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.  The beleived   
 assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposedl insane actor.  This ruined     
 Booth's career.                                                            
                                                                            
 Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltare     
 invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".  Gravity was    
 invented by Issac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when    
 the apples are flaling off the trees.                                      
                                                                            
 Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.         
 Handel was half German, half Italian and half English.  He was very        
 large.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Beethoven wrote music even    
 though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long     
 walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven     
 expired in 1827 and later died for this.                                   
                                                                            
 France was in a very serious.  The French Revolution was accomplished      
 before it happened.  The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French     
 Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the Napoleonic Wars,  
 the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.  Then the       

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 Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's         
 flanks.  Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and  
 unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since           
 Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.              
                                                                            
 The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in   
 the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the longest     
 queen.  She sat on a thorn for 63 years.  He reclining years and finally   
 the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death    
 was the final event which ended her reign.                                 
                                                                            
 The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.   
 The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.    
 Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a      
 hundred men.                                                               
                                                                            
 There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they      
 couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.  When they     
 fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians     
 had more men.                                                              

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 Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.  History call people Romans    
 because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At roman banquets,  
 the guests wore garlic in their hair.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself  
 on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March killed him because they    
 thought he was going to be made king.  Nero was a cruel tyrany who would   
 torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.                   
                                                                            
 Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames.  King Arthur  
 lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the   
 Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw,     
 and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.  Finally,    
 the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the   
 same offence.                                                              
                                                                            
 In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The greatest write   
 of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote     
 literature.  Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow         
 through an apple while standing on his son's head.                         
                                                                            
 The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of     

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 their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at         
 Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death,       
 being excommunicated by a bull.  It was the painter Donatello's interest   
 in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.  It was    
 an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the        
 Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented      
 cigarettes.  Another important invention was the circulation of blood.     
 Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.           
                                                                            
 The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found         
 walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.  Queen Elizabeth   
 wa the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.  When Elizabeth       
 exposed herself be fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her    
 navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.                          
                                                                            
 The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.             
 Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.  
 He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and  
 errors.  In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his       
 situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.  In another, Lady      

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 Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his        
 manhood.  Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.  Writing    
 at the same time as Shakespear wa Miquel Cervantes.  He wrote "Donkey      
 Hote".  The next great author was John Milton.  Milton wrote "Paradise     
 Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."                
                                                                            
 During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a great    
 navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.  His    
 ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later the        
 Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.     
 When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came  
 down the hill rolling their was hoops before them.  The Indian squabs      
 carried porposies on their back.  Many of the Indian heroes were killed,   
 along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.  The winter    
 of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.  Many people died and many        
 babies were born.  Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.        
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ED: You know how if you cry too much your sinuses get filled and painful?   
Well we laughed so dang hard that we cried that hard when we read this and  
now our sinuses have stock in Dristan.  We hope yours do too ;)             


