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        1994 Eeeek Awards! (For The 1993 Year)                    
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      1    Committed readers of Eeeek BITS! know that every year we   
         try to give notice to those who in the past year earned    
         the biggest EEEEK! as far as we're concerned.  Not just    
             ANYONE can get an Eeeek! Award though...the recipient of   
             such an honor must meet several qualifications: 1) They    
           must have been a Media feast for more than a week.  2)     
  They must have either really pulled a major bone-head stunt or something  
  worthy of making US balk. & 3) They must have gone above and beyond the   
  call of duty in making the American Public say "Duh!" "Geeez!" or "OH MY  
  SWEET PETUNIA!"  So without further ado, the nominees selected!           
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 The "Now Cut That Out!" Award goes to:   LORENA BOBBITT                    
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 The Manassas, VA. housewife who got a little snippy with her husband after 
 he allegedly forced himself on her. While we in no way condone the action  
 of John Wayne Bobbitt, we do have to wonder why Lorena married him...and   
 stayed with him.  Surely she must have seen signs of this before, thusly   
 the ultimate responsibility for what happened must lie with BOTH parties.  
 Using an 8" knife after the fact is no excuse for not bailing earlier! It  
 gave the "You Haveta Sleep Sometime" remark more validity to American men. 

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        1994 Eeeek Awards! (For The 1993 Year)                    
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      1   The "The Customer's Always Right!" Award:  BILL CLINTON     
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        In one of his many "interesting speeches" this year he had  
            the unfortunate statement leave his lips about the American 
            Public being "Customers" and our Taxes being "Contributions"
          - Well, if the Customers don't feel like Contributing this  
  year, who's gonna take on the IRS (which I guess we are supposed to think 
  of as a "charity")?  Billy boy probably won't, but perhaps he can talk    
  the Mrs into looking into the legalities of such "Contributions" ha. ha.  
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 The "I'm Bad, but I can Beat It!" Award:  MICHAEL JACKSON                  
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 The musical superstar was not looking quite so guilty until he decided to  
 run away.  Whatever the reasons (he claimed his addiction to painkillers)  
 he gave, the timing sucked.  We would have preferred to believe completely 
 in his innocence; but as with most of the American Public, the running he  
 did makes us question whether or not there is any truth to the allegations.
 In a related award, the "He Ain't Heavy..." Award goes to the ever-loyal   
 sister of Michael's, Latoya.  As she has shown in the past, media attention
 is good - whatever the cost.  People too eager to talk make us wonder...!  

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        1994 Eeeek Awards! (For The 1993 Year)                    
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      1  The "Enquiring Minds DON'T Want To Know" Award: BURT REYNOLDS
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       It was bad enough that there was so much media hype over the 
           failed marriage of Burt & Loni, but for Burt to actually sit 
           down and gear an article specifically for the Tabloids (the  
         papers at the supermarket that show 'evidence' that JFK and  
  Martin Luther King Jr were really the same person...) was beyond awful.   
  Whatever he did or didn't do in regards to the marriage, this airing of   
  dirty laundry was beneath contempt and made Loni look like the honest one.
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  The "Oooops, I Forgot All About That Time..." Award: JOEY BUTTAFUOCO      
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  We all knew - in spite of the denials, in spite of it all, we all knew    
  Joey had boinked around with little Amy Fisher.  Granted, it is not all   
  his fault she tried to blow his wife away, but WHAT (if anything) was he  
  thinking getting involved with a child like that?  And to lie about the   
  obvious for so long makes one wonder what else he lied about... When his  
  hands weren't in her pants, were they in manipulating her actions or...?  
  We don't believe for a minute that this story was as one-sided as it was  
  made out to sound, but they all went out with a bang...the same bang.     

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        1994 Eeeek Awards! (For The 1993 Year)                    
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      1  The "Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah!" Award: RUSH LIMBAUGH         
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       If the man would stick to FACTS he would be fine, but his    
           personal opinions permeate each show like the stench of fish 
           in the harbor.  While it was cute at first to watch someone  
         have televised temper tantrums, it has worn thin (although   
  he has not by any means....) and his "See I Told You So" release makes    
  one think of the smart-ass kid on the block that no one liked because he  
  was so full of himself.  The way things REALLY ought to be is something   
  that goes beyond personal opinion, biases and prejudices.  We won't be    
  rushing out to get this one...!                                           
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  The "YES VIRGINIA..." Award: BARRY GOLDWATER (Former AZ Senator)          
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  who said "You don't need to be 'straight' to fight and die for your       
  country. You just need to shoot straight." in response to the ban on      
  Gays in the Military.  It seemed almost miraculous that anyone having     
  something to do with politics would take such a stand when those who said 
  they would support gay rights weenied out due to political & military     
  pressures (no names ahem).  Wake me when we're out of the dark ages....   

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        1994 Eeeek Awards! (For The 1993 Year)                    
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      1   The "Me Thinks Thou Doth Protest Too Mush...!"  Award:      
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        Heidi Fleiss, the accused Hollywood Madam.  We aren't       
            giving her the award for what she is accused of doing or    
            being, but for the attitude she carries around with her.    
          She's arrogant about her business savvy, and claims that    
  what she did was justified by the fact that it helped "put a lot of girls"
  through college.  And while there may be truth to what she is saying,     
  the way she is saying it leaves one wondering what she REALLY thinks...   
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  The "May A 1000 Camels Trample Your Lawn" Award:  The Judge               
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  in the Baby Jessica case.  Just because the natural parents suddenly      
  decided they DID want this baby (2 years too late in our estimation),     
  does not give them the right.  Blood does not a family make, and baby     
  Jessica was wrenched from the only home and family she knew - and we      
  are not all that convinced that the only reason the natural parents       
  wanted her back was "love".  But how a judge could rule and find for a    
  couple in such a situation goes beyond what we can comprehend.  We all    
  watched as she was pulled screaming away from the ones who loved her.     


