
The Big Aussie BBSCON '93
submitted by Chris Davidson  (3:850/110)

He stood before it, a clapped out weatherboard house in downtown 
Wooloomaloo.. the home of the Ferret, greatest Sysop in Australia
second to none, and here he was afraid to enter.

He had actually been here before to carry out repairs to the Ferret's
vast array of computer equipment, but the thought of entering this
place still filled him with dread..

'Jeeesus, Charlie, he muttered to himself, pull ya'self together and
get it over and done with, he is after all a human being... Though
somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind he still had these
niggling doubts. 

Tentatively, he tried to follow the footpath across what used to be  
the remnants of a front lawn, now about two feet high. He placed one
foot gingerly upon the top steps of the verandah and heard the
ominous creak and groan of timber that had not been subject to human
weight for some time.

He actually only fell through the rotted timber once, as he crossed
the short expanse of the verandah to the front door. He raised his
hand to knock when a disembodied voice emanated from the bowels of
the house, 'Come in it ain't bloody locked.'

The door protested violently as he pushed it inwards, it was very,
very dark!  In fact it was like entering a very dark cave, at the end
of which he knew resided something that was reminiscent of something
out of Tolkien's 'Lord of the Rings'.

Very quietly, he proceeded down a dank, dark passage towards what
appeared to be a door, from which emanated a strange greenish glow. 

As he pushed open this door it protested more loudly than its
predecessor, as if to say 'Abandon hope all ye who enter here!'

He entered what must have at one time been a very large room, only
now its appearance was that it was a very small room, considering all
the computer equipment housed therein.  The floor was littered with
cables of every description, along with copies of PC User, Aust PC
User and PC Review, some dating back to the early 70's.

Over in one corner, in front of a console sat the Ferret, madly
pounding at a keyboard.

'Whad'ya want?' asked the Ferret..

'I...I..errr, I came over to deliver a message from the local Zone
co-ord for ya ta attend a conference', came Charlie's response in a
not too comfortable voice.

'What sort of conference?' mumbled the Ferret.

'Well, ya see', Charlie went on, in the US they have these
conferences for sysops, an we sorta got ta thinkin that mibbe we
oughta have the same thing for all the Aussie sysops.'

'What ya mean all 900 hundred of us,.. ya tryin ta start a brawl or
sumpin? 

'Nah, nuthin like that, more like a sort of piss-up so we can all get
ta know each other', he replied.

'It'll still end up in a brawl' muttered the Ferret. 'I remember the
last local meetin we had, by 7:00pm we wuz all goin for each others
throats, all over who had the best board'.

'Well this is different', Charlie said in a voice filled with
conviction. 

'So what have I gotta do'?

A bit of flattery wouldn't go astray thought Charlie. 'Well, we sorta
thought seein as how ya know so much about BBSing an stuff, ya might
wanta act as the chairman.'

'Me!  Me, be chairman for a bunch a drongo's who can't tell their
arses from their elbows, they want me as chairman?'

'Yes!' came the reply, though now it wasn't so enthusiastic as it had
been during the council meeting when the idea had first been mooted.

'What have I gotta do?

'Well, nuthin really, just sorta open the conference, say a few words
about the Aussie BBS scene and where ya reckon it's headin'..'

'Grab a cup a coffee an fill me in,' said the ferret indicating what
used to be a stainless steel sink.

Charlie approached the sink and surveyed the damage, empty Pizza Hut
cartons, six packs of Tooheys dark lager, the odd brightly covered
carton from KFC filled with rotting chicken bones littered the place,
it actually looked like the Sydney dump.

He reached out his hand to grab a coffee cup from amongst the refuse
only to snatch it back again as a pair of feelers, heaved themselves
into view over its rim.  Charlie eyed the cockroach and it eyed him,
waving its feelers angrily about as if to say, 'sod off can't ya
read, 'NO HAWKERS ALLOWED'. 

He decided to skip the offer of coffee and get on with the business
at hand. 

'Y'gotta come mate!, we'd be lost without ya.'

'Okay, Okay what have I gotta do?' came the response.

'Well your going to have ta have a bath and get a suit,' he said
while looking for somewhere to hide.

'A bath, yer want me to have a bath do yez,' came the response. 'I
suppose this is this some sorta lardy dah do yer all got in mind down
at the local." 

'Actually no!, its being held at the Sydney Convention centre next to
the Travelodge Hotel. It's all inclusive!'

'Oooher!, well I'll be blowed the Travelodge, isn't that where they
tried to blow up the Prime Minister durin the early '80's. I suppose
I could attend as a sort of status symbol.'  A suit, now where the
hell do I get one of those....' the voice drifted off as its owner
envisaged a scene of blackties 'n' tails...

'Ahhh, coupla more questions if yez don't mind', said the Ferret
slyly.  'Who's attendin this shindig an when is it.?

'Well theres Robbo, an Trev an a whole lot of other blokes and
sheilas from all over Australia comin an its on the 23rd of August.'

'Sheilas, no sheila I ever knew operated a BBS, they ain't got the
brains.. came the retort'.

'Well Trev reckons there are some very interestin sheilas comin.'

'Yeah, well we'll see, okay count me in.'

Come the 23rd, the foyer of the hotel was packed, sysops had come
from near and far to attend this first ever occasion.  And pride of
place was taken by the Ferret resplendent in a suit rented from the
local theatrical suppliers. 

Trev was suitably impressed, 'You did a good job gettin him here' he
said, pointing at the Ferret and clapping a friendly hand on
Charlie's shoulder. 

Charlie was also impressed, he had never seen the Ferret in daylight
and the revelation of this doyen of the BBS's was incredible.  That
this small skinny man with glasses that looked like they had been cut
from the end of milk bottles was the guru of all the bbs's was
incredible, Christ he looked just like what he imagined Golom from
Lord of the Rings might look like. 

At this present moment, Golom was in a very animated discussion with
a mousy looking female, he looked extremely pleased with himself.

'Jeeesus, mate I hope ya crack it,' he thought to himself.  He was
not...  that far from reality....

The Ferret was enjoying himself, he had actually met a sheila who
knew something about computers, an modems, an data transfers, an the
INTERNET.  He was on top of the world, this was his type of woman!

As the night wore on, and kindred spirits found each other, the
Ferret and his lady friend became more intoxicated.  Eventually they
found their way to the Ferret's room where they pledged their undying
love for each other, and the lady, already heady from so much booze
and BBSing bonhommie, cast her fate to the winds and promptly
collapsed onto the bed.

Somewhere in the dark recesses of the Ferrets brain, the primal
desire for procreation raised its rather besotted head...and he
stared at the fallen figure before him..  Now what was it he was
supposed to do? 

Oh yeah, if the act of consummation was to take place then he would
have to remove the ladies clothing....

The top part was easy, couple of buttons and the blouse came off in
his hands.  The bra was altogether different though..'Christ, why
can't hey issue these things with a users manual he muttered
drunkenly.' 

Finally the offending catch broke and the lady's breast burst free,
like a couple of kids having just realized that school was over for
the day.

'God!' was the only explanation that came to his mind at that moment.

Next, he tackled the skirt and as it came away in his hands he saw a
sight that impressed him no end.. The lady had an artificial leg....!

It wasn't the fact that the leg was artificial that got him so much,
as the type of leg it was.  This was a something that you only saw in
the Six Million Dollar Man TV series.....this was...a bionic leg!

Gently he removed the leg from the woman's lower torso, this was a
marvel of human engineering and computer technology.  Its shape and
texture was so incredible it looked for all intents and purposes like
a real leg... 

As he fondled the leg, shifting it this way and that so that he could
get more light on it, he noticed inside the stump cavity, a small
black button.

'Wonder what this is for'? he thought.  Moving to the centre of the
room where the light was better he gently pressed the black button. 

A quiet hum emanated from the leg, then suddenly it burst apart
showering parts of itself around the room.

'Bloody hell!,' screamed the Ferret.

Right at that moment the damsel on the bed started to stir...

The Ferret scrambled madly around the room picking up pieces of the
leg and tried to assemble it back together.. Nothing worked, nothing
seemed to fit!  And the body on the bed was becoming more and more
restless...! 

The Ferret panicked and raced out of the room into the hotel corridor
where he collided with a very drunk Charlie.

'Charlie, Charlie, ya gotta help me,' he cried.

'Wha, whasamatter?,' slurred Charlie.

'I gotta woman in me room an I got one of her legs apart an I can't
get it back together,' screamed a now very hysterical Ferret.

'Listen mate!  You don't know what trouble is,' Charlie sneered.
'I got a woman in my room with both legs apart an I can't even
remember the flamin room number!'                              {RAH}
