File HUMOR00B

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HUMOR016
========
Date:         Fri, 11 Jun 1993 12:53:33 -0400
From:         Lee Bennett <lbennett@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>

Clinton asked:

What's the difference between a Homosexual and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!

========
Date:         Fri, 11 Jun 1993 13:28:27 EDT
From:         Gerard Peeters <ASMIGTP@VM7CG.HQ.AF.MIL>
Subject:      Uncl: YOUR SO LOW....

     I just heard this one from my girlfriend:

  Your so low you have to carry a sign that says "DON'T SPIT, CAN'T
SWIM".
========
Date:         Fri, 11 Jun 1993 12:58:44 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      BAKED BEANS(FART JOKE)

     Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans.  He loved them, he adored them, he
yearned for them.  But they always caused him a great deal of
embarrassment shortly after eating them.  The reaction of his
body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.

     One day he met a girl and fell in love.  When it became
apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even
more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked
beans.  He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up
his beloved baked beans.  A short time later they were
married.

     Some months later, on his way home from work, his car
broke down.  He was not too far from home so he decided to
leave the car and walk the rest of the way.  He passed a
small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her
that he would be late for supper.  As he entered the cafe,
the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him.  He still had
several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any
after-effects before reaching home.  Before he knew it, he
had eaten three large plates of baked beans.  Even as he left
the cafe, the effects began to be felt.  He pooted up a hill,
and poot-pooted down the other side.  As he grew closer to
home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and
he felt reasonably safe.

     Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great
rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency.  As
he waited just outside his front door to release one last
effort, his wife threw open the door.  She excitedly
exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise
dinner for you."  She blindfolded him and led him to his
chair at the head of the table.  Just as she was ready to
remove the blindfold, the phone rang.  She made him promise
not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

     When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted
his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind.  It was not only
loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg.  He had a hard time
breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air
about him.  He just started feeling better when he felt
another urge.  He again raised one leg and let her rip.  It
sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started
gagging.  He fanned until his arms ached.  Things had just
about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge.
He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go.  This was
the prize-winner.  The windows rattled, the dishes on the
table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were
dead.

     While keeping one ear on the conversation in the
hallway, he continued like this for the next 15 or 20
minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin.  When the
 sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone
conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded
his hands on top of it.  Smiling contentedly, he was the
picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room.

     Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had
peeked.  After assuring her that he had not, she removed the
blindfold, revealing the dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.
========
Date:         Fri, 11 Jun 1993 20:02:01 -0400
From:         Steve J Bannister <bannister_s@A1.HANV02.SANDOZ.COM>
Subject:      Management (G)

          This came to me as a nth-generation photocopy, so I have no
          knowledge of its origin.  It may be truth.  Scary, huh?

         
******************************************************************

          Once upon a time , two aerospace companies, one American and one
          Japanese, decided to have a boat race on the Tennessee River.  Both
          teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.  On
          the big day, they both felt as ready as they could be.

          THE JAPANESE WON BY A MILE.

          Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged by the loss,
          and morale sagged.  Corporate management decided that the reason
          for the crushing defeat had to be found.  A Corporate Steering
          Committee was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend
          appropriate corrective action.  Their conclusion:

               The problem was that the Japanese had eight people rowing and
               one person steering; whereas, the American team had one person
               rowing and eight people steering.

          The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a
          consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.  After
          some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded
          that too many people were steering and not enough rowing.

          To prevent losing to the Japanese again the next year, the team's
          management structure was totally reorganized to four Steering
          Managers, three Area Steering Managers, one Staff Steering Manager,
          and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to
          encourage him/her to row harder.

          THE NEXT YEAR THE JAPANESE WON BY TWO MILES.

          Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor
          performance, sold all the paddles, canceled all capital investments
          for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, gave a High-
          Performance Award to the consulting firm, and distributed the money
          saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
========
Date:         Fri, 11 Jun 1993 16:11:19 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Mulla Nasrudim story <didactic>

Mulla Nasrudin stories come to us from the Persian culture and
reflect the Sufi traditions of Islam.  Mulla is a title for a
religious leader/teacher very much like calling a Catholic
priest Father.  Nasrudin is the person's name.  The Mulla
Nasrudin is a special kind of teacher (a wise-fool, a sophomore),
who teaches important lessons frequently by playing the role the
uncanny teacher.  Here is a first sample of Mulla Nasrudin's
humorous teachings..

   It was a wonderful morning, and the Mulla was walking home.
Why he thought to himself, should he not take a short cut through
the beautiful wildland beside the dusty road?
   "A day of days, a day for fortunate pursuits!" he exclaimed
to himself plunging into the greenery.
   Almost at once, he found himself lying at the bottom of a
concealed pit.
   "It is just as well I took this short cut," he reflect, as he
lay there, "because if things like this can happen in the midst
of such beauty, what catastrophe might not have developed on
that uncompromisingly tiresome highway?"
========
Date:         Fri, 11 Jun 1993 21:56:07 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      miscellaneous - U - Certificate

Witty Company slogans or titles:  (true)

Drain Surgeon   (plumbing company)

Drips           (plumbing company)

"Running Water For You"  (Thames Water utility)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
IF IT'S....etc
If it can be show that....              it's an obscure math(s)
                                        textbook
If it can easily be shown that.....     it's an oscure math textbook
                                        written by a bone-idle
                                        lecturer.
If it is left as an exercise for the    It's an obscure math textbook
 reader......                           written by a bone-idle, stupid
                                        lecturer.

If it can be shown by a trivial         It's an obscure math textbook
calculation....                         written by a pompous math
                                        lecturer.
If it turns out that.........           It's an article in a popular
                                        science magazine written by
                                        someone who hasn't done any
                                        research in 30 years.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back in the latter days of British colonialism, an official from the
Colonial Office was visiting a remote territory in Africa.
This was during the time when the "wind of change" was sweeping the
continent, and the people were quite naturally beginning to clamour
for independence.
The official was shown around the principal village of the territory by
the Tribal Chief, who was in fact an educated man - Oxford and the London
Stock Exchange; he knew everything that the British educational system
could teach the ruling classes about keeping the ordinary people at the
bottom of the heap.
 However, he thought it would be a good idea if the chap from the Colonial
Office were to make a speech to the people outlining the plans for
independence. The official was a little embarassed about this, because he
knew that his government weren't in any hurry to grant this territory
independence, what with its vast deposits of oil and minerals that had
recently been discovered. He decided to make one of those content-free
speeches that politicians are so good at, and just hope for the best.

To his surprise, the speech went down better than he could have hoped.
The assembled tribe danced up and down, and cried out enthusiastically:
"NGOMBI! NGOMBI!"
"Well, gosh", thought the official, "when the boss hears what a success
I've made of this, I could be in line for promotion", and carried on
explaining in as obscure a way as he knew how, why the independence
plans were going to take a LITTLE longer than had been anticipated.
"NGOMBI! NGOMBI" the crowd continued to yell, louder and louder.

At the end of his speech, flushed with success, he turned and smiled to the
chief, who beamed back at him, saying "Come now sir, and join the feast we
have prepared for you; we just have to walk over to the centre of the
village, but sir, I beg of you, please be careful where you put your feet.
You see sir, we are still a rural community, and the Tribal herd of cattle
has just passed through the village, and the paths are all full of
NGOMBI."
========
Date:         Fri, 11 Jun 1993 17:15:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <ADP3S@MSU.EDU>
Subject:      The Santa Cruz Comic News

Now I don't post here very often, so when I do I try to make 'em count.

For you fans of humor, you can subscribe for $20 a year to "This Planet's
First Cartoon Newspaper," the Santa Cruz Comic News--a legend in California.

Briefly, The Comic News is a liberal tabloid newspaper with a unique format
consisting of editorial cartoons from around the country strung together with
biting, poignant commentary. You get subjects covering The Presidency; This
Modern World; whole sections of Far Sides and Calvin and Hobbes; The
System;
Earthweek:  A Diary of the Planet; Subconcious Comics; Leftovers; and others.
This paper is a HOOT! It comes biweekly and begs to be read cover-to-cover.

The address to subscribe is:

                   Comic News Subs
                   PO Box 8543
                   Santa Cruz, CA  95061
                   (408) 426-0113

To quote its masthead, the Comic News is "...for anyone who needs a dose of
comic relief." Even the ads for local businesses are entertaining & creative.

This is the best newspaper I've ever read. You 'humorists' will like it, too.

No joking!                        ;->

.
========
Date:         Fri, 11 Jun 1993 22:45:34 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Telemarketing tricks

This material was originally post on NUTWORKS and the originator
was asked for permission to post it here:

Creative ways of dealing with Telemarketers:

1. If you recognize they are telemarketers before you have spoken,
pretend your are an answering machine with a message along these
lines. "Thank you for calling CMTCC, Citizens for Making Tele-
marketing a Capital Crime. We now have the support of about 25% of
the legislature. Soon we will be able to execute those worthless,
money grubbing dregs, making the earth a better place to live.
Please send your tax deductible contribution to ...."

2. See how many times you can put them on hold. First make sure you
get the name of the person you are talking to, because sooner or
later they will hang up. Then if they call you again, you can
express your righteous indignation at being hung up on, and let
them know you were going to buy/contribute, but given the rudeness
of .... you have decided not to. They key to this one is make the
time they have to hold fairly short. After 30 seconds or so tell
them you have to turn down the stove and put them on hold for 45
secs. On returning, ask them to start their pitch again. Every time
you return have them restart their pitch. Some good excuses for
putting them on hold for a short while: the kids are fighting, the
pet needs to go in/out, the baby is into ?, someone is at the door,
you have a call on another line, ...

3. If you have an answering machine, turn it on so they can here
you are recording the call. Make sure you get the person's name,
and the company's name and address. Then inform them something like
this. "Under state law I am hereby notifying you that you (you as
an individual and the company) are prohibited from calling this
number (xxx-xxxx) to solicit ever again. If you or the company
calls again, you personally and the company will be liable for
penalties up to $10,000. Is this clear?" Just something to
hopefully make them nervous. (Actually Virginia came pretty close
to passing a law like this. Unfortunately, the telemarketing lobby
bribed our legislature into killing the bill. Maybe next year ...)

4. After they have gone through their entire sales pitch, tell them
how interested you are. But first, you want to talk to them about
.... Then launch into a pitch for them to contribute to some
charity that sounds quasi-legit but is really just for your
personnel benefit. If they do not contribute, then hang up in
righteous indignation that they are such uncaring human beings. If
they will, give then a address to send the contribution to, thank
them, and hang up before they have a chance to change the subject
back to what they called you about.

5. After they have given their entire sales pitch, say you are
interested but first you need the telemarketer's personnel home
phone number. When they ask why tell them that they have your
personel home number so before you complete the deal, you want to
be on even ground with them and you need their number. If they
don't give it to you, yup, you guessed it, hangup in righteous
indignation. If they do, say you will call back to
order/contribute. Then do so at some reasonable hour, in case they
have given you a phony number. But if it is a correct number, post
it on the net. Not so anyone would harrass this person, ;) but so
all of us would have the opportunity to contact this person about
whatever it is that is being telemarketed. And since so many of us
are night owls, we will be calling at a time convenient to us, like
4 am. ;)

--- Posted with the permission of:

 Dr. J. Archer Harris    Dept of Computer Science
 arch@hub.cs.jmu.edu     James Madison University
 (703) 568 - 6847        Harrisonburg, VA 22807


========
Date:         Sat, 12 Jun 1993 22:40:58 EDT
From:         "BERTON_CORSON@mcimail.com"
<70473.1567@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject:      The Simpson's ASCII Art

This isn't a joke, but the graphic below is rather fun, so I'm sending
it to HUMOR list.
Enjoy


Berton M Corson  -  Northridge, California USA  -  5280397@mcimail.com



The Simpson's...
                        (####)
                      (#######)
                    (#########)
                   (#########)
   __&__          (#########)
  /     \        (#########)   |\/\/\/|     /\ /\  /\               /\
 |       |      (#########)    |      |     | v  \/  \---.    .----/  \----.
 |  (o)(o)       (o)(o)(##)    |      |      \_        /       \          /
 c   .---_)    ,_c     (##)    | (o)(o)       (o)(o)  <__.   .--\ (o)(o) / _.
  | |.___|    /____,   (##)    c      _)     _c         /     \     ()     /
  |  \__/       \     (#)       | ,___|     /____,   )  \      >   (c_)   <
  /_____\        |    |         |   /         \     /----'    /___\____/___\
 /_____/ \       oooooo        /____\          ooooo             /|    |\
/         \     /      \      /      \        /     \           /        \
   Homer         Marge          Bart           Lisa               Maggie

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
========
Date:         Sun, 13 Jun 1993 00:36:11 EST
From:         Sally & Jim Gates <GATES@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Marriage & love <enjoy>

Never become the second husband of a widow unless her first husband
was hanged.


Most men would rather be the second husband of a widow than her
first.


A widow expects her second husband to live up to the sentiments
expressed on the tombstone of her first.


A man was unlucky in both his marriages. His first wife ran away
with another man, and his second wife didn't.


A man's wife may be his better half, but it's her mother who is
usually the whole thing.


Money does not buy happiness: the man with 20 million dollars is no
happier than the man with 19 million.


One girl says to another: "I met a marvelous man last night. He
said that my hair quivered with subtle softness, my skin had the
velvety texture of angels, and my eyes sparkled with divine
laughter." "He sounds like a wonderful guy," agreed her friend.
"What does he do for a living?" "He told me," replied the other,
"that he writes advertising copy."


"Go to father," she said, when he asked her to wed,
And she knew that he knew that her father was dead,
And she knew that he knew the life father had led,
And she knew that he knew what she meant when she said,
"Go to father."


When asked how her husband was, an American woman explained: "I
haven't seen him for five years. I guess I must have said something
to annoy him."


In school we learn the rule of three, in courtship the rule of two,
and in marriage the rule of one.


A married man's best friend is his wife's husband.


Many a conceited man will compliment his wife by praising her
husband.


Many a man's ambition is to marry a rich girl who is too proud to
have her husband work.


Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about
men?




========
Date:         Sun, 13 Jun 1993 14:50:10 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Sextest <adolescent>

                      "Are you male or female?"

                 Take this test and find out for sure

1.  Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are:
        a. one
        b. almost a dozen

2.  When parking your car in a public garage you:
        a. toss your keys jauntily to the attendant
        b. hand your keys over politely

3.  You haven't shaved in 4 days.  The resulting stubble can be
construed as:
        a. sexy
        b. gross

4.  At the doctor's, a common request would be:
        a. "Cough."
        b. "Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?"

5.  As a sporty person, you need athletic support with:
        a. one cup
        b. two cups

6.  When you're feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend
is:
        a. nothing
        b. "Do I look fat?"

7.  You've slept with several hundred people, one term used to
describe you would be:
        a. sports legend
        b. tramp

8.  The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body
is:
        a. 35
        b. 14

9.  When you hear the words "hand wash," the first thing that comes
to your mind is:
        a. your car
        b. panty hose

10. It`s the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth,
score tied.  Bases are loaded with 2 outs.  The man at bat has a
.311 average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty.  Your
mate turns to you and says "Do you want a back rub?"  You are:
        a. too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question
        b. daydreaming

11. Your idea of basic pump is:
        a. an athletic shoe made by Nike
        b. a heeled shoe made by Fayva

12. Multiple Orgasms are something you:
        a. give
        b. get


                               SCORING

                     a = 1 point        b = 2 points

 0-12 Congratulations, you are a male.  This means you have a
      greater lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and
      a select few of your sex can look forward to being president
      someday.

13-24 Congratulations, you are a female.  This means you will live
      longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt
      in polite company and a select few of your sex can look
      forward to being president someday.


========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 04:53:00 +0300
From:         Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Subject:      Horrible puns

Did you hear about the scandal in the zoo, where the porpoises were
copulating furiously and irritating the spectators?  The zoo veterinarian
said that a diet of sea gulls would calm them down.  So a keeper started
out with a bucket of defunct sea gulls for the fornicating porpoises, but
as he approached the case, a lion escaped and blocked his path. Swiftly,
a zoo guard pulled out his tranquilizer gun and shot a dart into the lion,
which collapsed in a heap at the entryway to the porpoise area.  As the
keeper stepped over the lion on his mission of mercy, he was arrested for
transporting gulls over a sedate lion for immoral porpoises.

========
Date:         Sun, 13 Jun 1993 22:18:38 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Why look here?  <Mulla story>

On one occasion a neighbor found Nasrudin down on his knees looking
for something.  "What have you lost, Mulla?"  My key," said
Nasrudin.  After a few minutes of searching, the other man said,
"Where did you drop it?"  "At home."  "Then why, for heaven's sake,
are you looking here?"  "There is more light here."
========
Date:         Sun, 13 Jun 1993 22:22:09 EDT
From:         Cathy Krusberg <CKBERG@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      More seagulls

A story with nearly the same punch line comes from Bennett Cerf;
I believe it appeared in _Bennett Cerf's Book of Atrocious Puns_.
Not verbatim, but here's what I recall:

There was once an enterprising Floridian who raised dolphins and
porpoises as a hobby.  One day, in his researches, he learned of a
way to make his pets live forever: by feeding them seagulls.  He
wanted to try this, so he went down to the beach, trapped some of the
birds, and brought them back with him.  When returned to his home, he
discovered that a peace-loving, toothless old lion that had escaped from
the local zoo was stretched across his doorstep, sound asleep.  Our
hero boldly leaped over the beast -- and federal agents appeared
from the bushes and arrested him.

The charge: Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal
porpoises.


Cathy Krusberg
ckberg@uga
ckberg@uga.cc.uga.edu
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 07:51:59 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      T-Shirt (G)

Seen on a T-shirt:

        Does anal retentive have a hyphen?

========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 08:14:14 CDT
From:         Janie Long <JLONG@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      T-Shirt (G)

Help!! I started talking and I can't shut up!!

I thought it was cute.

========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 09:00:56 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      THE OLD BACKHOUSE (a poem)

THE OLD BACKHOUSE

by James Whitcomb Riley


When memory keeps me company and
  moves to smiles or tears,
A weather-beaten object looms through
  the mist of years.
Behind the house and barn it stood, a
  half a mile or more,
And hurrying feet a path had made, straight
  to its swinging door.

Its architecture was a type of simple classic
  art,
But in the tragedy of life it played a leading
  part.
And oft the passing traveler drove slow,
  and heaved a sigh,
To see the modest hired girl slip out with
  glances shy.

We had our posey garden that the women
  loved so well,
I loved it, too, but better still I loved the
  stronger smell
That filled the evening breezes so full of
  homely cheer,
And told the night-o'ertaken tramp that
  human life was near.

On lazy August afternoons, it made a
  little bower
Delightful, where my grandsire sat and
  whiled away an hour.
For there the summer morning its very
  cares entwined,
And berry bushes reddened in the steaming
  soil behind.

All day fat spiders spun their webs to
  catch the buzzing flies
That flitted to and from the house, where
  Ma was baking pies.
And once a swarm of hornets bold, had
  built a palace there,
And stung my unsuspecting aunt--I must
  not tell you where.
Then father took a flaming pole--that was
  a happy day--
He nearly burned the building up, but
  the hornets left to stay.

When summer bloom began to fade and
  winter to carouse
We banked the little building with a heap
  of hemlock boughs.
But when the crust was on the snow and
  the sullen skies were gray,
In sooth the building was no place where
  one could wish to stay.
We did our duties promptly, there one
  purpose swayed the mind;
We tarried not, nor lingered long on what
  we left behind.

The torture of that icy seat would make a
  Spartan sob,
For needs must scrape the goose-flesh with
  a lacerating cob--
That from a frost-encrusted nail, was
  suspended by a string--
For father was a frugal man and wasted
  not a thing.

When grandpa had to "go out back" and
  make his morning call,
We'd bundle up the dear old man with a
  muffler and a shawl,
I knew the hole on which he sat--'twas
  padded all around,
And once I dared to sit there--'twas all
  too wide I found.

My loins were all too little, and I jack-knifed
  there to stay,
They had to come and get me out, or I'd
  have passed away.
Then father said ambition was a thing that
  boys should shun,
And I just used the children's hole till
  childhood days were done.

And still I marvel at the craft that cut those
  holes so true,
The baby hole, and the slender hole that
  fitted Sister Sue;
That dear old country landmark! I've tramped
  around a bit,
And in the lap of luxury my lot has been
  to sit,
But ere I die I'll eat the fruit of trees I
  robbed of yore,
Then seek the shanty where my name is
  carved upon the door.
I ween the old familiar smell will soothe
  my jaded soul,
I'm now a man, but none the less, I'll try
  the children's hole.
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 09:28:15 LCL
From:         Andy Mavrias <ANDYM@550SHERB.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject:      2 jokes, one mild offense, one current theme

    An indian walks into a doctor's office one day, walks up to the
doctor and says "Big chief no fart".

    The doctor thinks for a moment, rummages around in a cabinet and
hands a bottle of pills to the indian, telling him to have the chief
take one every 6 hours.

    Two weeks go by, and the indian returns to the doctors office
with the same complaint, "Big chief no fart".

    Once again, the doctor rummages around and comes up with a larger
bottle with larger pills, telliung the indian to have the chief take
2 pills evey three hours.

    Another two weeks, and the indian is back once again, still
saying "Big chief no fart".

    Well, the doctor decides drastic measures are necessary, and
hands the indian an oil drum full of pills the size of frisbees,
instructing him to give the chief one pill every hour.

    Three days later, the indian returns once more only this time
wearing a very somber expression. When the doctor asks him what's the
matter, the indian replies "Big fart, no chief"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Why did Montreal have a riot after winning the Stanley Cup?

To make the L.A. Kings feel at home.
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 08:57:00 CDT
From:         "PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU"
<PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU>
Subject:      (Copy)  Re: (Copy)      Horrible puns

Far, far away in a distant galaxy, there is a planet. On this planet
evolution took another path. Plants rule this rule. And of course, the plants
are ruled by a King of the Plants. Now the King of the Plants was in love
with a tender little flower who was, unfortunately, very dumb. She was so
dumb she would pollinate with a rock! So the King called all his wise plants
together and told them to educate the tender little flower. So, for one year
all the wisest plants taught the flower history, music, science, drama, and
the knowledge of the ages. At the end of the one year, the leader of the wise
plants went to the King and said that the wise plants had failed. "The
problem is" said the wise plant " you can lead a whore to culture but you
can't make her think".
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 09:12:27 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Sex <explicit language>

   ... oh never-mind,
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 11:20:00 EST
From:         LASHOMJS@SNYPOTVX.BITNET
Subject:      Helen Keller jokes

Why did Helen Keller use one hand to play the piano?

Because she needed the other one to sing with!!!

_____________________________________________________________

Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?

Because her dog was blind, too!

________________________________________________________________

Why did Helen Keller use one hand to masturbate?

Because she needed the other one to moan with!!!!

________________________________________________________________

DOES ANYONE OUT THERE HAVE ANY OTHER HELEN KELLER
JOKES???

Jill L.
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 13:11:00 -0400
From:         "ANDREW LAVERY CALGARY ALBERTA,"
<LAVERYA@ABE.CBE.AB.CA>
Subject:      f-16 registration (g)

Forwarded from Aircraft (only one mistake general dynamics makes the f-16)


******************************************************************
*
Forwarded from vwar-l

******************************************************************
*

Don't forget to send in your card!  *<8+}
 Nancy the Lurker---

         McDonnell Douglas Warranty card...


                          McDonnell Douglas
                   AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

                        Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr.  _Mrs.  _Ms.  _Miss  _Lt.  _Gen.  _Comrade  _Classified _Other

First Name____________________Initial____Last
Name_________________________

Latitude________________________Longitude___________________________
_______

Altitude________________________Password, Code Name,
Etc.__________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

  _F-14 Tomcat   _F-15 Eagle  _F-16 Falcon  _F-19A Stealth  _Classified

3. Date of purchase:  Month___________Day___________Year____________

4. Serial Number____________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
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_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
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_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one

7.  Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
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_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America
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_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
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_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase
in the near future:

Product                 Own     Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
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10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?  Check all
that apply:

_Communist/Socialist
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_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
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12. Occupation          You     Your Spouse

Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
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Student

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest               You     Your Spouse
Golf
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Fashion Clothing
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Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 17:33:06 +0100
From:         Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK>
Subject:      Helen Keller List (sick)

This is a list I've collected over the past year:



Q:  How come Hellen Keller can't have kids??
A:  Because she's DEAD!

Q. How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy?
A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
A: Corduroy.

Q. Why is all of Helen Keller's face burnt?
A. She was bobbing for french fries.

Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
A: She answer the iron.

Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
A: They called back.

Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
A: They left the plunger in.

Q: Why was Hellen Keller's leg wet?
A: Her dog was blind too.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. she needs the other to moan with.
Q. How did she burn her fingers?
A. Reading the waffle iron

Q. What did she do when she fell down the well?
A. Screamed her fingers off

Q. How come she didn't scream when she fell off the cliff?
A. She was wearing mittens

Q. Why does she wear skin tight pants?
A. So you can read her lips

Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
A. You would too if your name was 'Urghrrghrghr'.

Q. Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?
A. Wind it up and it walks into walls.

Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.

Q. What's this (slowly waving fingers)?
A. Helen Keller moaning

Q: Who is the cruelest man in the world?
A: The guy who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn't
scream for help.

 What did HK's parent's do to punish her?
1. Rearranged the furniture
2. Left the plunger in the toilet bowl
3. Put her in a round room and told her there's a penny in the corner
4. Washed her hands with soap
5. Gave her bird-seed to read.


Pete.
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 13:09:00 EDT
From:         "Michael B. Smith" <MBS116@PSUVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Another HKeller joke

Did you hear what Helen Keller called her dog?
Neither did she.
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 13:01:57 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      KEY CHAINS-RATED R

As seen on Keychains:

The Birth of a Candy Bar
  One Payday, Mr. Peanut wanted a Bit O'Honey so he took Mary Jane behind
the
corner of Clarke and Fifth Avenue.  He began to feel her Mounds.  That was
pure
Almond Joy.  She let out a cry when his Butterfinger went up her Juicy Fruit
causing a Milky Way.  She screamed "Oh, Henry," as she squeezed his Peter
Paul
and Zagnuts, "You are even better than the Three Musketeers."  Nine months
later, she was a bit Chunky and had a Baby Ruth.

B - Beautiful
I - Intelligent
T - Talented
C - Cunning
H - Horny

Yuck Fou!
Take me drunk, I'm home!
I'm not as think as you drunk I am!
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 15:42:03 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Now that the review process is here (fwd)


Ten Commandments for the Successful Staff Wienie>
>
>1. Thou shalt be obsequious to management, that thy position remain secure
>   during reorganizations.
>
>2. Thou shalt be condescending to peers, that they may appreciate thine
>   inherent superiority.
>
>3. Thou shalt be brutal to juniors, lest they contemplate displacing thee.
>
>4. Thou shalt be indifferent to the field, for thine employee evaluation is
>   not written by them.
>
>5. Thou shalt be contemptuous of customers, lest their needs interfere with
>   thine own priorities.
>
>6. Thou shalt cultivate a winning smile and a vicious backhand, that thou
>   mayest spend thy days in career-enhancing social activities rather than
>   the drudgery of actual labor.
>
>7. Thou shalt revere style over substance, lest those with true talent and
>   understanding rise above thee in thine organization.
>
>8. Thou shalt minutely examine anything going out to the field, lest "they"
>   interpret it to imply action on thy part.
>
>9. Thou shalt promise readily but deliver only when actually observed by thy
>   superiors.
>
>10. Thou shalt regard Friday with the same reverence accorded to all High
>    Holy Days.
>
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 15:56:01 ET
From:         Bill Waggoner <BILLW@DPC2.HDOS.HAC.COM>
Subject:      I'm not drunk!

> I'm not as think as you drunk I am!

   - or -

I'm not as think as you drunkle peep I am!
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 15:04:25 -0400
From:         "I am not insane,
              I am a sane man fighting for his soul."
<DK75684@LTUVAX.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: helen Keller jokes


If Helen Keller falls down in a forest, and there's no one around to hear her,
does she make a sound?

========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 16:37:11 -0400
From:         MSHOCKLE@DREW.BITNET
Subject:      A few more Helen Keller jokes

     I think I can rummage up a few Helen Keler jokes....

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They rearranged the furniture!

Have you seen Helen Keller's new car?
Neither has she!

How did Helen Keller burn her face?
She accidently answered the iron!!

Another way her parents punish her?
Stick a plunger in the toilet!!  (sorry, pretty tasteless)


That's all I can think of for now.  Until next time...

mps

******************************************************************
****
*                                                                    *
* Darth:  If you will not turn to the dark side, Luke, then you shall*
*         die.                                                       *
* Luke:   No, really, tell me how you *really* feel.                 *
******************************************************************
****
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 14:24:26 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  1.I

******************************************************************
*************

Two MIT students are piloting a plane, when they discover that they
must make an emergency landing.  Luckily enough, there is a nearby
(unused) airstrip, so they decide to land there.

As they fly over it, one says, "that's an awfully short runway; I don't
know if we can land on it."  The other points out that there's no
choice, so they have to try.

They bring the plane in as slowly as possible, touching wheels right at
the beginning of the runway, and immediately hit the brakes.  The plane
slides to a halt with the front wheels hanging off the runway's end.

One student turns to the other and says, "We made it, but this is the
*SHORTEST* runway I've ever seen."  The other says, "Yeah, but it must
be at least two miles *wide*."

******************************************************************
*************

A plane is flying over the Atlantic.  Suddenly they hit some turbulance, and
the plane starts to become unmanagable.  The pilot comes on the intercom and
says, "Please remain calm everyone, its just a little turbulance, and soon it
will over".  They continue shaking and swaying, and the turbulance gets worse.
Many people are airsick.  The Plane starts to oscillate badly, side to side, up
and down.  The captain comes on the intercom and says "I'm afraid we'll have
to
attempt a crash landing folks, the plane is too unstable to handle!"  Suddenly
an engineer jumps up and yells "Don't panic! Are there any Polish people
aboard?"
Sure enough there is a large Polish family aboard.  "Quick, all you people
move over to the left hand side of the plane!"  The family moves over and the
plane stablizes.  The captain comes out and says, "Hey, thats amazing, why did
the plane calm down like that when you moved the family over to that side of
the
plane?".  The engineer replies "Everybody knows that a system is stable only if
all the poles are on the left hand side of the plane!"

******************************************************************
**************

Q. How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Seven, one to hold the bulb and six to drink until the
room starts to spin.

******************************************************************
**************


During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came
to an adjournment and left for their hotel.  In the lobby of the hotel
several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging,

        "I could beat Karpov with no problem".
        "Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."
        "That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"

Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.
"But why?" a bystander asked.

"Because," the manager replied "I hate ...

"chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"

******************************************************************
**************

A gang of teenaged clams were wandering
around their turf (stretch of beach) one day when
they say a huge machine constructing a pier.  The
machine would drive a huge wooden pole into the
sand, pull itself out farther, drive another pole,
etc., gradually working its way out to sea.
The clam gangleader said "Hey, dudes, let's
go check it out!"  So all the clams started off to
examine the machine except for one of the younger
ones, who held back.  The leader said "Yo, dude,
what's the problem?"
"Well, gee, I don't know," the young clam
replied, "somebody might get hurt."
The entire gang yelled "Chicken! Chicken!"
"I am not!" the young clam said. "Let's go."
So they all wandered off towards the machine,
and watched it pound poles into the surf for a
while.  Then one clam said to the little one, "I
dare you to go up next to that machine."
"Uh-uh." The young clam said. "It might
squoosh me."
"What are you, chicken?" [NOTE: this is NOT a
chicken-of-the-sea-joke.]
"No, I'm not.  Why don't YOU do it?"
"Umm...well..." the older clam hesitated,
then saw the rest of the gang looking at him.
Having no other choice, he moved slowly towards
the machine.  When he was about ten feet away, he
looked back and called, "Okay, I'm here."
The other clams yelled back "No! Get closer!"
and the like.
Afraid to lose face, the clam trudged up to
the machine.  Sure enough, the next pole came down
directly on top of him, killing him instantly.
And do you know what he died of?


Pier
pressure.


******************************************************************
**************

    Once upon a time there was a man who owned a pen that he cherished.
He would use this pen at any available opportunity. He loved having to
sign his name because it gave him a chance to use his pen. If he had
nothing to do he would always be found doodling with his pen. He kept
it for years and years and used it often.
    Sadly, one day it ran out of ink and there was no way to refill it.
He couldn't bring himself to throw it away. He wanted to find some way
that he could still get some kind of use out of it. He came upon a
brilliant idea. He had the pen melted down into the shape of an urn so
that when he died his ashes could be placed inside the urn and thus he
could spend eternity with his pen.

The moral of the story?.........

A Pen He Saved is a Pen He Urned

******************************************************************
**************

  I was drivin' down the boulevard this morning,
  and I saw this girl was trying to cross the road,
  she was the FATTEST girl I'd seen in my whole life!
  I had to run her down 'cause I didn't think I had
  enough gas to drive around her!

Q: What goes click, click, click, "is that it"?, click, click, click, "is
   that it"?, click, click, click, "is that it"?

A: Stevie Wonder playing with a Rubick's cube.


******************************************************************
**************

How do you know when a polish person has been using the word processor?

There is white-out on the screen

******************************************************************
**************

Soviet Premier Brezchnev is visiting France.  They show him
Versailles, they show him the Louvre, they show him Notre Dame.
He is not really impressed.  Finally they show him the Eiffel
Tower.  "What do you think of that?"  Ho ho!  He looks up, thinks
for a moment, and says, "There are nine million people in Paris."

"Yes?"

"Do you think one watchtower is enough?"

******************************************************************
**************

Subject: Scotch

   Eriskay, the Scottish island whose inhabitants have been drinking
free scotch since 1941, is returning to the real world.
   The 200 residents have finally drunk through the 20,300 cases of
scotch they salvaged from a shipwreck on rocks off the island 45
years ago.  Eriskays remarkable windfall was enshrined by Compton
Mackenzie's novel Whiskey Galore, made into a delightful movie in
1948 during Britain's post-war golden age of filmmaking.
   It's been such a marvellous party that we don't want to think
about the shock that awaits Eriskay people at the bar and the
off-license when they see what 45 years have done to the price of
scotch.

******************************************************************
*************

        A rabbit was out hopping one day when he came across a bottle.  Nudged
it a bit and the cork fell off.  A geni floated out.  "You get one wish for
opening the bottle"  (A cheap geni, must have been cutbacks that year.)  The
rabbit thought a bit and said "I've always enjoyed music."  (A cultured rabbit.)
"Could you make be a piano for a symphony?"
        So this become a case of "Hare today, grand tomorrow."

******************************************************************
*************

Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.

******************************************************************
*************

Consider the following:

          Time flies like an arrow.
          Fruit flies like a banana.

******************************************************************
*************

        Instructions on a package of fresh tortellini: "... boil for 8
minuets ...".  Dance While You Cook!

----------------------------------------------------------------
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 15:43:58 EDT
From:         Alexandra Doroschin <alexd@550SHERB.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject:      Coyote lawsuit

This lawsuit appeared in The New Yorker magazine in the fall of 1991 and
the author is Ian Frazier.

To all of you fans of the Coyote: Enjoy!!!

**************************************************

Coyote V. Acme

In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B19294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding

Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
-v.-
Acme Company, Defendant

Opening Statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My
client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states,
does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer
and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware
and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote
seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and
mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross
negligence of said company, under Title 15, of the United States Code,
Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased
of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's
mail-order departnent, certain products which did cause him bodily injury
due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales
slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the
possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr.
Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his
profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible
for Workmen's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via
parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use
the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the
Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and,
sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote
gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and
precipitate force as to strentch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of
fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with
a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him
unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at
such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket
Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the
animal he was pursing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously
attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly
designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking
system. Shortly thereafter, the uncheked progress of the Rocket Sled
brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared
by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures,
contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this
collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head
(excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four
legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support
himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to
mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this
product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to
that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the
counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in
this case, two) to inadequete vehicles, with little or no provision for
passenger safety. Encombered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control
of the Rocket Stakes soon after strapping them on, and collided with a
roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his
full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document
he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme
"Little Giant" firechacker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a
full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached
deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say
that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote
performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense
of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer
rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and
spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on
the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical
explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down
to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a
generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the
spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue # 78-832), climbed to the top of the butte,
Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote
proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the
stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught,
the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following
disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:

1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the
   aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling,
   and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exihibit D.
Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of
the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no
explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme
malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity
itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs
of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a
cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this
product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of
the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still futher, Mr. Coyote affixed
them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the
boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr.
Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in
readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within
a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward
him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of
the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care
and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.

At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward
and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme
Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the
intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in the air.
Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first
collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters
falling upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr.
Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The
boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce
down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its
velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder,
or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into
contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process
continued for some time.

The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.
Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the
tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of
vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical
axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body
tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand
upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an
off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and
embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr.
Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.

As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our
contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment
of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant
kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber
bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has
no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder
what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a
situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in
the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of
seventeen million dollard. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages
(missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation)
of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to
reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred
and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven
hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full
amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers,
shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they
understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal
protection under the law.
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 19:09:04 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Ethnic humor from a Norwegian source <nation sensitive>

I found this article in a USENET group and invited the author to join
us. (Special note: Sara Pummelhart posted the 1000th post last Thursday
-- that's an important milestone for this young list).

Subject: Re: European Joke Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1993 08:25:51 GMT From:
slettnet@gaia.ecs.csus.edu (Tor Slettnes) Organization: California State
University, Sacramento


xxxx@contractor.EBay.Sun.COM (xxxxxxxxx) writes: Two Norwegians, two
Swedes, and two Danes were stranded on a desert island. When the rescue
party arrived two months later, the Norwegians were fighting, the Danes
had formed a cooperative, and the Swedes were still waiting to be
introduced.

This one *I* heard differently: The Americans were fighting over how to
divide the island between them, the two Germans had established a
coconut milk factory, and the two Brits were still living in utter
silence, waiting to be formally introduced.

(I had to give an alternative view; I happen to be Norwegian... :-)



A citizen of Oxford, England, moved to London, where he soon found
himself a little bit too superior to the rest of the population. So in
order to fit in to the environment, he had to do a surgery to remove
half of his brain.

Very well, he went to a hospital to get it done. The surgeon, however,
made a mistake during the operation, and instead of removing _half_ of
the brain, he removed the whole thing. When the patient woke up, his
first word was "Howdy!



The Dane, the Swede, and the Norwegian were arguing about which country
was most advanced in medicine.

"Well, in our hospitals," the Dane bragged, "we had a lady who had lost
her arm. We put in a mechanical arm, and now it works just as if it was
her own!"

"Hah, that's nothing," said the Swede. "In our hospitals, we had a
person without a heart. We put in an artificial one, and now he is
running for the olymics!"

"Hahaha," said the Norwegian. "We had a person who had gotten his head
chopped off. We put on a cabbage, and now he is in the parliament!"

========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 19:25:34 -0400
From:         Mario Rups <MRUPS@BROOK.EDU>
Subject:      the scholars on the elephant: ethnic, not offensive, G-rated

Ah.  Ethnic humour.  All right, how about this one:


There had been a heated debate among the scholars at a certain conference
as to whether scholars of one nationality were ipso facto better than
scholars of another.  Four of the attendees decided to put it to the test
and agreed each to work on the same topic for the space of one year and
bring the result to the next conference.  The topic chosen: elephants.

Came the next year.

Into the conference suite came the French scholar, bearing proudly a slim,
elegantly bound book entitled: _The Love Life of the Elephant_.

Into the conference suite came the British scholar, bearing proudly a
larger, leather-bound tome: _The Elephant and Its Role in Empire Building_.

Into the conference suite came the American scholar, bearing proudly an
even larger volume bound in buckram: _Breeding Bigger and Better
Elephants_.

Into the conference suite came the German scholar, huffing and puffing
under the staggering weight of the scholarly opus: _A Brief Essay on the
Elephant.  Introduction.  Part I_.  And the scholar went back out to the
truck for the rest of it ...

                  <<<<<:::::<<<<<-----*----->>>>>:::::>>>>>

mrups@brook.edu
========
Date:         Mon, 14 Jun 1993 16:52:00 PDT
From:         "Ruiz, Stan" <SRUIZ@SAONET.UCLA.EDU>
Subject:      Blonde Joke..(PG-13)

Q:   Why do Blondes where tampons?
A:   So the crabs can go bungy cord jumping.
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 01:02:16 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Graffiti <earthy/practical stuff>

What is your favorite examples of graffiti?

In the following USENET article (used by>[with permission) graffiti is
the topic:

Subject:      Re: More Toilet Graffiti
Date:         Sun, 13 Jun 1993 07:55:31 GMT
From:         stevec@unssun.scs.unr.edu (Stephen A. Cloutier)
Organization: University of Nevada, Reno

Notice(in the men's loos):

'Our aim is to keep these
facilities clean:
Your aim would help.'

<variation>

We aim to please.
You aim too, please.


Alos see in a public toilet: Writing small enough and high
enough for you to stretch out to read "If you can read this,
you're pissing on your leg, you idiot".


========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 10:36:45 +0100
From:         Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK>
Subject:      farmer joke

  "HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged
  farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

  "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

  "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this
  morning."

  "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started
  working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the
  farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if
  there was anything I wanted.

  I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked.
  "I'm sure, I said.

  "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to
  know. "I reckon not" I replied  ...

  "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to
  do with your leg?"

  "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned
  on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

Pete.
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 13:48:00 +0300
From:         Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Subject:      The Elephant and ...

>Into the conference suite came the French scholar, bearing proudly a slim,
>elegantly bound book entitled: _The Love Life of the Elephant_.

>Into the conference suite came the British scholar, bearing proudly a
>larger, leather-bound tome: _The Elephant and Its Role in Empire Building_.

>Into the conference suite came the American scholar, bearing proudly an
>even larger volume bound in buckram: _Breeding Bigger and Better
>Elephants_.

>Into the conference suite came the German scholar, huffing and puffing
>under the staggering weight of the scholarly opus: _A Brief Essay on the
>Elephant.  Introduction.  Part I_.  And the scholar went back out to the
>truck for the rest of it ...

************

And then came the Jewish scholar, and spoke on _The Elephant and
the Jewish Problem._

__Bob Werman    rwerman@hujivms.bitnet    rwerman@vms.huji.ac.il
Jerusalem
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 09:30:46 EST
From:         Dani Mudge <DANI@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      How Literature is better than sex (suggestive, but not true)

Date:         Sat, 12 Jun 1993 07:19:59 GMT
From:         u129008@sparc19.ncu.edu.tw (Tim Chen)
Organization: Computer Center Of NCU in R.O.C.

Top 20 Reasons Why English & American Literature Is Better Than Sex

20. English & American Literature can last a good four hours.

19. English & American Literature is not interrupted at least once
a month. 18. It's legal to do it in any position with anyone in
anywhere.

17. It's safe to do it anytime of the month.

16. No one will start rumors about how much you do it.

15. People respect individuals who will do it with anyone.

14. You can cheat if you don't know how to do it.

13. You can do it in public and not be embarrassed.

12. You can do it with several people at the same time.

11. You can do it with your classmates and still be friends
afterward.

10. You can do it with your teachers and not to be friends
afterward.

 9. You can eat or sleep while doing it.

 8. You can get a job teaching English & American Literature in
college.

 7. You don't feel guilty about doing it alone.

 6. You don't have to wait ten months before the results.

 5. You don't need to lie to your classmates about their
performance.

 4. Your classmates don't care if you are more experienced than
they are.

 3. Your classmates don't mind that you've done it with members of
the same sex.

 2. Your neighbors don't get jealous if you do it loud.

 1. Your parents are proud of you if you are good at it.
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 09:28:44 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      TITILLATIONS, AN ODE

TITILLATIONS, AN ODE

by Waldo Peirce


Breasts and bosoms have I known, of various
  shapes and sizes,
From poignant disillusionments to jubilant
  surprises,
But none excited me to sweat, recoil, shrink,
  cringe, nay shudder,
As the sight of Mrs. Isaac Rice's prehistoric
  udder.


Did I say sweat? I sweat great drops of deep
  vermilion gore.
Did I say shrink? I shrank to nought, till I
  could shrink no more.
Did I say cringe? I cringed indeed; I actually
  did cower
At sight of Mrs. Isaac Rice's mamillary dower.


It palpitated in the sun, it polka'd in the
  breeze.
It spread itself when she sat down, like lava
  on the knees.
It undulated when she walked, it quivered
  when she wept.
It throbbed and wobbled when she ate, and
  heaved the while she slept.


The Redwood or Sequoia's trunk, when
  levelled to the earth,
Fell short in full diameter; presented no such
  girth.
The greatest Tidal Wave yet known did not
  provoke the ripple
That rolled majestically around this charming
  lady's nipple.


No drowning crew of fishermen swamped
  north of Fifty-three
Could crisp their hands for object of a greater
  buoyancy,
Nor cast themselves more heartily upon a
  friendly strand
Than Mrs. Rice's offspring on this mammoth
  lacteal gland.


The tawny milk-gourd of the Yak, under the
  Polar Star,
The mother Rhino's deep-set dug, in darkest
  Zanzibar,
The laden and distended pouch upon the
  pregnant Camel,
Were warts to Mrs. Isaac Rice's monumental
  mammal.


No early twittering sparrow, up with the
  morning sun,
Could plunge its small proboscis in an equine
  fallen bun,
With any fractional decimal of Dorothy's
  exuberance
When she torpedoes Mrs. Rice's pectoral
  protuberance.


From this teat gelatinous, with animal
  persistence
A swarming crawling litter eked a tropical
  existence.
Some scaled its altitudinous slopes, some at
  the base did settle
Of Mrs. Isaac Rice's potent Popocatepetl.


This heaving Himalayan mass of red maternal
  meat,
Projected in its radius so damnable a heat,
That paper withered on the wall, paint
  blistered on the door,
Within the proud Ansonia, upon the
  fourteenth floor.


Above these twin Vesuvii great smoke-rings
  used to curdle,
To mystify topographers, twixt nipple and
  the girdle.
A glacier would have turned aside, lest it
  should lose its ice,
By coming into contact with Mrs. Isaac Rice.


Oh, Mrs. Isaac Rice, were I to see you in the
  nude,
And face those fearsome batteries of milk and
  platitude,
If I should glimpse that bosom once, --just
  scan that belly twice,
I should not live to see the rest, my dearest
  Mrs. Rice.


Or were I blind as Homer was, or had you but
  your breath
To test asphyxiation as modicum of death,
I think a little of your talk, poured deftly in
  mine ears,
Would herald forth the coroner for Mr. Waldo
  Peirce.


These gentle verses have I writ from some two
  thousand mile
From the Goddess of Suppression of Anything
  Worth While
But still I goose the flesh, I cringe, I quake,
  recoil and shudder
At thought of Mrs. Isaac Rice's Elephantine
  Udder.
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 09:40:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858"
<KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Graffiti <earthy/practical stuff>

On the outside of a pay toilet stall:

     "Save your dime.  It may just be gas."

On the inside of a school bathroom stall:

     "Flush hard.  It's a long way to the cafeteria."


Shirl
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 17:18:00 +0300
From:         Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Subject:      P.U.n

Two monks left the monastery and opened a florist shop in a small town.
They stocked their store with all manner of flora, and bad things began
to happen.  One child was bitten by a Venus Flytrap.  Another child got
quite sick after eating some nightshade.  The citizens of the town decided
that the shop had to go, but they couldn't decide how to accomplish it.

They held a meeting and a little old lady suggested that they ask Hugh, the
blacksmith, to get the monks out of town.  They found Hugh at his smithy
under the spreading chestnut tree and he agreed to take care of the problem.
He stalked into town, entered the florist shop, grabbed the holy men by the
neck, carried them to the town dump and tossed them off the cliff.

Moral: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.



__Bob Werman    rwerman@hujivms.bitnet    rwerman@vms.huji.ac.il
Jerusalem
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 12:28:09 EDT
              Grad School at CUNY TFD@CUNYVMS1.GC.CUNY.EDU"
              <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
From:         "Theresa Muir,
              Grad School at CUNY TFD@CUNYVMS1.GC.CUNY.EDU"
              <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
Subject:      More Elephant sequel...

Sequels... or Son of...

>There had been a heated debate among the scholars at a certain conference
>as to whether scholars of one nationality were ipso facto better than
>scholars of another.  Four of the attendees decided to put it to the test
>and agreed each to work on the same topic for the space of one year and
>bring the result to the next conference.  The topic chosen:
elephants.

>Came the next year.

>Into the conference suite came the French scholar, bearing proudly a slim,
>elegantly bound book entitled: _The Love Life of the Elephant_.>

>Into the conference suite came the British scholar, bearing proudly a
>larger, leather-bound tome: _The Elephant and Its Role in Empire Building_.

>Into the conference suite came the American scholar, bearing proudly an
>even larger volume bound in buckram: _Breeding Bigger and Better
>Elephants_.

>Into the conference suite came the German scholar, huffing and puffing
>under the staggering weight of the scholarly opus: _A Brief Essay on the
>Elephant.  Introduction.  Part I_.  And the scholar went back out to the
>truck for the rest of it ...

Then, the blasts of huge air horns shattered the silence, as three
eighteen-wheel trailers turned the corner, slowly approached the
conference building and screeched to a halt.  All the scholars, rushed
to the windows in wonder.

"What the bloody hell is *that*???" sputtered the British scholar.

"Ach! Zose," proudly explained the German scholar, "are ze VERBS!!"


Theresa Muir
tfd@cunyvms1.gc.cuny.edu
------------------------------------------------------------ 16

HUMOR017
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 14:55:32 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Ethnic classified ads

CLASSIFIED ADS.

AGING YIDDISH STORY WRITER seeks young man for light enema work.
Some typing. Other. NYR Box 441.

I'M A PETITE, CUDDLY, AFFECTIONATE, redheaded Hasid diamond
 merchant who seeks everlasting matrimony within sacred covenant.
Will provide carfare.       NYR, Box 7892.

SOMEWHAT UNHAPPILY MARRIED orthodox, well-manered gentleman
seeks shame.
       Reply NYR, Box 22910.

REFORM LIBERAL, outspoken, Long Island Congregational rabbi & wife seek
well-educated, literary black woman for racial repartee, intensive
interviews, light housework. NYR, Box 2318.

PERFORM VASECTOMIES in your spare time! Learn how. Increase your
income.
Wilson's, Box 223, Greenvale, Fla.

TUCHIS, YENTA, GEY KOCKEN, SHTUP?? You can actually earn a living
reading
Yiddish words out loud in your spare time in the southern U.S. Start with
simple home course. Yiddish Division, La Salle Extention University, Grand
Rapids, Mich.

HOT, DIFFICULT TO HANDLE, OVERWEIGHT MAN seeks lonely,
sensitive, ethical
woman with enormous breasts. Write NYR, Box 33881.

WELL-VERSED BUT BORED Indiana U. prof. of entomology seeks
responsible male
for short conversations, light baby-sitting, some clitoal stimulation. NYR,
Box 8890.

UNDER RABINICAL SUPERVISION: Williamsburg, Brooklyn, J.H.S. teacher,
expert
on Torah seeks to convert homosexuals using simple prayer and other
techniques. No electricity. NYR, Box 32998.
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 14:58:52 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Limericks


Limericks on Musical Subjects

A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a lady named Cleo.
As she took down her panties,
She said, "No andantes.
I want this allegro con brio."

A Yiddish composer named Bloch
Had holes like a flute on his cock.
He could puff through each part
Of a tune by Mozart;
But he neer dared whistle from Bach.

A Wagnerian tenor named Knut
Sailed a brig from Bayreuth to Beirut.
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless.
Now sings in duet with a flute.

There was young cellist named Cleo
Who liked to play Beethoven trios.
But her technique was scanty
So she played them andante
Instead of allegro con brio.

or better:
So she played only in panties;
And now she's a virtuoso.

And my all-time favorite, which gains entrance to this list
because plainsong was probably being sung at matins:

There was a novice from Chichester
Whose form made all the saints in their niches stir.
One morning at matins,
Her bosom 'neath satins
Caused the Bishop of Chichester's britches to stir.
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 15:04:04 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      More Limericks (Rated R)


There was a novice from Chichester
Whose form made all the saints in their niches stir.
One morning at matins,
Her bosom 'neath satins
Caused the Bishop of Chichester's britches to stir.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        There were two young ladies from Birmingham,
        and this is the story concerning 'em:
                The lifted the frock
                and diddled the cock
        of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em.

        But the Bishop was nobody's fool;
        he'd attended a large public school.
                He took off his britches
                and diddled those bitches
        with a twelve inch Episcopal tool.

        But that didn't bother those two,
        and they cried out when he was through:
                "Oh the Vicar is quicker
                 and thicker and slicker
        and longer and stronger than you!
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 12:12:00 PDT
From:         "Ruiz, Stan" <SRUIZ@SAONET.UCLA.EDU>
Subject:      More Blonde Jokes

Q: What's does a blonde and a computer have in common?
A:  You don't appreciate them until they go down on you.

Q: How do you put a sparkle in a blonde's eye?
A:  Shine a flashlight in her ear.
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 13:15:06 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      another classified ad

Here's a cute personal ad that I noticed:

1954 Model Pick-up, garaged 20 years, smokes, a few dents, but may still reach
top speed, needs F for long drives or short race.  Needs shocks.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        Chicago Bulls rule!
        Jordan is a god!!!!
        PEAT,PEAT,PE__,____,____
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 15:41:15 EST
Comments:     MEMO 1993/06/15 15:48
From:         CLoris <HARRIS.CLORIS@IC1D.HARRIS.COM>
Subject:      Blond Joke  PG!

In the middle of a college athletics field is a blond sitting in a row
boat.  She's sitting out there just rowing and rowing.  This starts to
attract a crowd of people.  Shortly there is small crowd standing on
the track that runs around the field staring at this blond.  They want
to say something to her but are afraid they will embarass her.  All of
a sudden a red corvette is driving by and screeches to a halt.  Out of
the car jumps another blond.  She runs up to the field and stops at
the track where the crowd is and starts yelling, "You know, it's
blonds like you who give all blonds a bad name!  It's a good thing I
can't swim or I would come out there and kick your ass!"

harris.cloris@ic1d.harris.com
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 13:54:46 CDT
From:         "Dennis Bil." <abe1@EDUC.UCALGARY.CA>
Subject:      Hellen Keller

Anbody hear of Hellen Keller's new book?

 Trip around the block in eighty days.
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 14:55:33 CST
From:         Fernando Davila Nieto <txmfdn@TXM.ERICSSON.SE>
Subject:      The shy guy (G)

A young man has fallen in love with the girl
next door.  He sees her every morning as she
makes her way down to the toilet they have at
the end of the garden.  Unfortunately, he has
never spoken to her because he is too shy.  He
seeks the advice of a friend.  "Tomorrow,"
says the friend, "when you see her go into
the garden.  On her way back from the toilet
engage her in conversation.  You know,
impress her with your suave approach."

The next morning he is up early and waiting
for the girl.  As soon as he sees her in the
garden, he hurries down and waits for her to
return to the house.  He sees her returning
to the house, but with all the calm he can
muster, he leans camly on the garden wall and
in his huskiest voice, wispers "Had a good
shit then."
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 15:13:50 CST
From:         Arturo Efrain De Luna <txmaels@TXM.ERICSSON.SE>
Subject:      Doctors (dirty)

3 doctors arguing about which hospital has most advanced in medicine.

-The first of them... In my hospital last year I was operated on
 because I was completly blind, and now I don't even need glasses.

-The second one.....Ohh that's nothing few months ago I cut my self with
 a chainsaw, I went under surgery and now I don't even have a scare.

-The third one didn't know what to say and went...You know few moments
 ago I had a hole in my finger, showing the rest of the guys a comlpete
 healty finger, every budy went, that's impossible. But the guy reply
 don't you belive??.....smell it.



ARTURO
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 16:18:01 -0500
From:         Brad Pardee <bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU>
Subject:      Flower pun

(I shared the pun about the monks' flower shop with a co-worker, and he
returned the "favor" with the following.)

There was a man who wanted to send his mother flowers on her birthday, so
he went to the florist and said, "I want to order a bouquet of flowers for
my mother, and I don't care what color they are, but they HAVE to be
anemones."  He spoke with the florist a bit longer and stressed a couple
more times the importance that they send a bouquet of anemones.

Well, the birthday came and the florist sent his mother a fern.  Not just
any fern, but a huge fern that came up to her waist.  She didn't
understand why her son would have sent her a fern, but she called him to
say thanks and that she appreciated the thought.  When he found out she
had been sent a fern, though, he was furious.  "I told them several times
that I wanted them to send a bouquet of anemones," he told her, and he
decided to call the florist.

When the florist answered the phone, the man demanded to know why they had
sent his mother a huge fern instead of the anemones he had ordered, and
the florist replied, "With fronds like that, who needs anemones?"
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 16:49:28 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Yet another pun

Marcel Marceau was traveling through New Guinea when he was captured by a
group of cannibals.  They immediately set about placing him in a large pot
filled with a mixture of herbs and water, and started a fire underneath.
As the water and herb mixture began to heat up, they took large leaves and
began to brush the liquid onto Marceau's upper torso.  Just then, their
Chief, who had been away, came upon the scene, saw what they were doing
and shouted, "Take that man out of there.  A mime is a terrible thing to
baste?"

========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 22:50:09 BST
From:         Jason Pittock <ssupitto@READING.AC.UK>
Subject:      Flowers.. (PG)

After much thought a man returns home to his wife after
staying away a few nights while "troubles" at home blew
over. On his way home he stops to buy a large bunch of
flowers and continues on his way to the house.
Upon entering the house the wife eyeing the flowers
says "Oh, so I suppose your expecting me to lie on my
back all with my legs open all night", To which the
husband replies "Why? What happened to all the vases
while I was gone"
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 23:22:29 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: More Elephant sequel...

On Tue, 15 Jun 1993, Theresa Muir, Grad School at CUNY
TFD@CUNYVMS1.GC.CUNY.EDU wrote:

> Sequels... or Son of...

> Then, the blasts of huge air horns shattered the silence, as three
> eighteen-wheel trailers turned the corner, slowly approached the
> conference building and screeched to a halt.  All the scholars, rushed
> to the windows in wonder.
>
> "What the bloody hell is *that*???" sputtered the British scholar.
>
> "Ach! Zose," proudly explained the German scholar, "are ze VERBS!!"

Very similar to a joke I was told years ago by a professor of German:

Goethe asks a friend if he has read his latest work (a two volume opus).
The friends says: "I have started it.  I just finished the first volume."

"Well, what do you think of it so far?" asks Goethe.

"It's hard to say at the moment," his friend replies.  "As you know, all
the verbs are in volume 2."
========
Date:         Tue, 15 Jun 1993 23:39:51 EST
From:         Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      French jokes about UK *stereotypes*

Here are some examples of jokes French (my source is very
French) tell about the English, the Irish, and Scots:

*ENGLISH:

   One night, an English Lord wakes up and finds his wife dead
   near him.

   All at once he begins to ring the bell calling James, his
   butler.

   Yes, my Lord?

   Tomorrow, James, for breakfast, only one cup of tea.

*IRISH:

   What is an Irish virgin?

   A girl that runs faster than her father.

*SCOTTISH:

  Headline: "Taxi crash near Edinburgh, twelve dead"

========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 07:05:16 CDT
From:         Jack Moore <JEM@AUSVM1.VNET.IBM.COM>
Subject:      Pepsi

  The new Pepsi Slogan: You got the right syringe baby, ah huh!

  I went to the doctor yesterday for a shot, and all the needles were
full of Pepsi!?  Go figure!
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 08:42:50 EDT
From:         "Ramsden, Mark S" <RAMSDEN@LEMOYNE.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: Pepsi slogan

> From: MX%"JEM@AUSVM1.VNET.IBM.COM" 16-JUN-1993 08:08:44.95
> Subj: Pepsi

>   The new Pepsi Slogan: You got the right syringe baby, ah huh!
>
>   I went to the doctor yesterday for a shot, and all the needles were
> full of Pepsi!?  Go figure!

Gives new meaning to _Have a shot of Pepsi?_ doesn't it.
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 08:12:55 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      Riddles

Mary and Jane lived in the same apartment.   One day Mary spent five minutes
in
the hall talking to a neighbor.  When she returned she found Jane lying dead on
the floor.  Jane died of suffocation yet there was nothing else on the floor
except some water and broken glass.  Further, the window was open and
unbroken.
How do you explain this phenomenon?


A man leaves home.  He makes three left turns and returns home.  When he
arrives home, two men wearing masks are waiting for him.  Who are the two
men
wearing masks?


The people who make them don't use them.  The people who buy them don't
want
them.  The people who use them, don't see them...what is it?


In marble walls as white as milk,
Lined with a skin as soft as silk.
Within a fountain crystal clear
A golden apple doth appear.
No walls are there to this stronghold
Yet thieves break in, and steal the gold.
What is it?


Any more?  I'll send the answers tomorrow.  Laters, Jill
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 10:24:08 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      The Mulla's teachings *real truth* :)

RELATIVE TRUTH AND REAL TRUTH

  One day Nasrudin was sitting at court.  The King was complaining
that his subjects were untruthful.  "Majesty," said Nasrudin,
"there is truth and truth.  People must practice real truth before
they can use relative truth.  They always try the other way around.
the result is that they take liberties with their man-made truth,
because they know instinctively that it is only an invention."

  When the city gates were opened the next morning, a gallows had
been erected in the plaza, presided over by the captain of the
royal guard.  A herald announced:  "Whoever would enter the city
must first answer the truth to a question which will be put to him
by the captain of the guard."

  Nasrudin, who had been waiting outside, stepped forward first.

  The captain spoke: "Where are you going?  Tell the truth, the
alternative is death by hanging."

  "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on those gallows."

  "I don't believe you!"

  "Very well, then.  If I have told a lie, hang me!"

  "But that would make it the truth!"

  "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."

========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 10:29:00 EST
From:         John Watts <ASTJWATT@STETSON.BITNET>
Subject:      JAY LENO PEPSI JOKE

What's Pepsi's new slogan?

A flu shot in every can.
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 12:04:34 -0400
From:         Nate Ravid <S29831%21518@UTRCGW.UTC.COM>
Subject:      Re: Riddles

>>A man leaves home.  He makes three left turns and returns home.  When he
arrives home, two men wearing masks are waiting for him.  Who are the two
men
wearing masks?
<<

This was the easy one.  The man is a baseball player, and the two men in masks
are the catcher and the umpire.

Looking forward to the answers to the rest!

Nate
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 11:29:18 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      HUMOR info & rules  ++   a favorite rude graffiti

Dear Subscribers: The list is doing well. I need some feedback about how
the list is working -- especially need to know about problems. Which
rules do you like or dislike? Do I need to add, delete, or change any
rules? I assume, since you are still a subscriber, that you find the
list workwhile; are you aware of any problems that others have with the
list. Tell me if you are aware of problems.

Pending your feedback, I plan to continue with the list. Nearly everyone
has been cooperative. We have about 850 subscribers, about 40 regular
contributors (people who average 1-2 post per week), and last week we
had our 1000th post. We are averaging 15 post per day (3 on weekends to
25 at midweek). As long as our daily average doesn't get over 25 post
per day, I believe most of you will be able to tolerate the volume.

*BIGGEST problems for the listowner*

1. Very long files. If you have a long file, announce it to the list,
volunteer to send it out, and *don't* forget to include some humorous
samples with your announcement. *OR* you can break it into smaller
files.

2. Posting more than one article per day. Please one a day.
.
3. Lack of clear subject in subject line. Lack of clear warning when
there is offensive or sensitive content or language. PG and R codes
don't work; we have an international membership.

On the good side, I've yet to get a complaint from a contributor that
our subscribers have been rude to them. Remember compliments and
complaints should go to the contributor. Take good care of them; they
provide our entertainment.

This is our list:

  HUMOR@UGA

Owner:

  Bill Edwards BEDWARDS@UGA


One-sentence description:

  A forum for sharing all forms of humor.

Description:

  HUMOR is a forum for sharing all forms of humor, including anecdotes,
bumperstickers, jokes, and wit. HUMOR is restricted to posting humor;
humor of all types, topics and tastes may be posted. Proper use of the
subject line eliminates nearly all complaints. Always include your theme
in the subject line. Optionally, warn about sensitive content and length
over a 100 lines. If the humor is potentially offensive, include a
warning in the subject line (for example, risque, adult language,
graphic language, racists or ethnic material, sexually explicit, sick or
gallows humor). Mail longer than 100 lines should include a warning
(e.g., 150 lines); mail longer than 250 lines should not be posted
without the permission of the listowner. While many people may wish to
subscribe to this list purely for entertainment, the purpose of the list
is to provide a lively body of contemporary humor for people who study
humor or who use humor professionally. Discussion should be directed to
other lists. Reactions of any kind including questions, objections,
praise, comments and corrections should be sent privately to the
original sender, not to the list, not to the owner. The listowner makes
challenges of rule violations via private mail. Personal attacks
directed against a member of the list are seriously prohibited.

List rules:

1. Only humorous material should be posted to this list.

2. The theme must be clearly identified in the subject line.

3. When there is potentially sensitive or offensive content (topics,
themes, or words), a warning is required.

4. Normally, posts will be shorter than 50 lines; posts longer than 100
lines require a warning about the length; posts longer than 250 lines
requires permission of the listowner.

5. Discussion, criticisms, questions should be posted privately to
original sender; not to HUMOR.

6. There is a limit of one post per person per day. A post may contain
multiple examples of humor.

7. No personal attacks against members of the list.

  The existence of HUMOR depends of subscribers following these rules.

  To determine your HUMOR list options send the command QUERY HUMOR
to
the LISTSERV@UGA.

  You may leave the list at any time by sending a SIGNOFF HUMOR command
to LISTSERV@UGA.

  The amount of acknowledgement you wish to receive from this list upon
sending mail to the list by means of a SET HUMOR <option>, where
<option> may be either ACK (mail acknowledgement), MSGACK (interactive
messages only) or NOACK. You have three mail options: MAIL, NOMAIL, and
DIGEST. The default is MAIL. DIGESTs are mailed once a day for those
members choosing that option. NOMAIL stops all mail from HUMOR, but you
are allowed to post humor and to retrieve archived files.

  Contributions sent to this list are automatically archived. You can
obtain a list of the available archive files by sending an INDEX command
to LISTSERV@UGA. These files can then be retrieved by GET HUMOR
<logname>, or using the database search facilities of LISTSERV. Send an
INFO DATABASE command for more information on the latter.

  Please note that it may be possible for anybody to determine that you
are signed up to the list through the use of the REVIEW command, which
returns the network address and name of all the subscribers. If you do
not wish your name to be available in this fashion, just issue a SET
HUMOR CONCEAL command to LISTSERV@UGA.


OBLIGATORY HUMOR <Rude>

In the 1960s there was a cycle of one line witticisms built on the
formula "This may not be the best ..., but ..."

I saw this graffiti on the wall of a stall in a men's room at the
Student Union building at Auburn University when I was an undergraduate
in 1969:

"Latex may not be the best thing is the world, but it sure is next to
it."

========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 09:12:42 -0700
Comments:     <Parser> E: RFC822 "local part" (username) containing a blank
was
              encountered. These usernames are not presently supported.
Comments:     <Parser> E: Mail origin cannot be determined.
Comments:     <Parser> E: Original tag data was ->
"PC::MRGATE::\"A1::CORNELIUS,
              MICHAEL\""@PC.BITNET
From:         Undetermined origin c/o Postmaster
<POSTMASTER@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Blonde Joke & a Question

What goes VAROOM - SCREECH, VAROOM - SCREECH, VAROOM -
SCREECH?

A blonde trying to make it through a flashing red light.
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 09:42:00 PDT
From:         "Briggs, Vickie" <VBriggs@UNEX.UCLA.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Blonde Jokes

What do you call a group of blondes standing in a row?

A wind tunnel
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 13:15:58 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Retirement Policy (CAUTION: Bureaucratic Cynicism)


TO: All Employees

FROM:     Personnel

SUBJECT:  Revised Retirement Policy

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental payroll,
we are forced to cut down on the number of personnel employed by this
company.

Under this plan, older employees will be ask to go on early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.  The program will be known as Retire Aged Personnel Early
(RAPE).

Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the company.  Provided that they are being RAPEd, they can
request a review of their employment records before actual retirement
takes place.  This phase of the operation is called Survey of
Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).

All employees who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may file an appeal with
upper management.  This appeal process will be called Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination (SHAFT).  Under the terms of the new
policy, employees may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be
SHAFTed
as many times as the company deems necessary.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled
to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (HERPES).
As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received
HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of ensuring that employees are
well trained through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT).
The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.  We
have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area.
If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job,
see your immediate supervisor.  Your supervisor is specially trained to
see to it that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

Sincerely,

Personnel Director
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 13:31:00 EDT
From:         DAN DEANGELIS <DDEANGEL@PSUHMC.BITNET>
Subject:      Blonde Joke

Q: What do you call a Volkswagon full of blondes?

A: Farfromthinking.
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 13:55:12 EDT
From:         Bernadette C Himaras <bch@WARM.SEMCOR.COM>
Subject:      more riddles

My house has no windows,
nor roof, nor floor,
in fact all it has
is just 2 doors.
What am I.



A man goes to a hardware store to buy something.
The posted price of the item is 25 cents a piece.
The clerks says 12 would be 50 cents and
1000 would be a dollar.
What did he go to buy?



Answers tomorrow.
--
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 14:24:03 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      THE ROMANCE OF REX

THE ROMANCE OF REX

by Anonymous


Piddle No. 1

A farmer's dog came into town,
  His christian name was Rex,
A noble pedigree had he
  Unusual was his text.
And as he trotted down the street
  'Twas beautiful to see
His work on every corner--
  His work on every tree.


Piddle No. 2

He watered every gateway too,
  And never missed a post
For piddling was his specialty
  And piddling was his boast.
The city curs looked on amazed
  With deep and jealous rage
To see a simple country dog
  The piddler of the age.


Piddle No. 3

Then all the dogs from everywhere
  Were summoned with a yell,
To sniff the country stranger o'er
  And judge him by the smell.
Some thought that he a king might be
  Beneath his tail a rose,
So every dog drew near to him
  And sniffed it up his nose.


Piddle No. 4

They smelled him over one by one
  They smelled him two by two
And noble Rex, in high disdain,
  Stood still till they were through.
Then just to show the whole shebang
  He didn't give a damn
He trotted in a grocery store
  And piddled on a ham.


Piddle No. 5

He piddled in a mackerel keg--
  He piddled on the floor,
And when the grocer kicked him out
  He piddled through the door.
Behind him all the city dogs
  Lined up with instinct true
To start a piddling carnival
  And see the stranger through.


Piddle No. 6

They showed him every piddling post
  They had in all the town,
And started in with many a wink
  To pee the stranger down.
They sent for champion piddlers
  Who were always on the go,
Who sometimes did a piddling stunt
  Or gave a piddle show.


Piddle No. 7

They sprung these on him suddenly
  When midway in the town;
Rex only smiled and polished off
  The ablest, white or brown.
For Rex was with them every trick
  With vigor and with vim
A thousand piddles more or less
  Were all the same to him.


Piddle No. 8

So he was wetting merrily
  With hind leg kicking high,
When most were hoisting legs in bluff
  And piddling mighty dry.
On and on, Rex sought new grounds
  By piles and scraps and rust,
Till every city dog went dry
  And piddled only dust.


Piddle No. 9

But on and on went noble Rex
  As wet as any rill,
And all the champion city pups
  Were pee'd to a standstill.
Then Rex did free-hand piddling
  With fancy flirts and flits
Like "double dip" and "gimlet twist"
  And all those latest hits.


The Puddle

And all the time this country dog
  Did never wink or grin,
But piddled blithely out of town
  As he had piddled in.
The city dogs conventions held
  To ask, "What did defeat us?"
But no one ever put them wise
  That Rex had diabetes.
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 14:41:39 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      THE RUINED MAID

THE RUINED MAID

by Thomas Hardy


"O 'Melia, my dear, this does everything crown!
Who could have supposed I should meet you in town?
And whence such fair garments, such prosperity?" --
"O didn't you know I'd been ruined?" said she.

--"You left us in tatters, without shoes or socks,
Tired of digging potatoes, and spudding up docks;
And now you've gay bracelets and bright feathers three!" --
"Yes; that's how we dress when we're ruined," said she.

--"At home in the barton you said 'thee' and 'thou,'
And 'thik oon,' and 'theas oon!' and 't'other'; but now
Your talking quite fits 'ee for high compa-ny!"--
"Some polish is gained with one's ruin," said she.

--"Your hands were like paws then, your face blue and bleak,
But now I'm bewitched by your delicate cheek,
And your little gloves fit as on any la-dy!"
"We never do work when we're ruined," said she.

--"You used to call home-life a hag-ridden dream,
And you'd sigh, and you'd sock; but at present you seem
To know not of megrims or melanchol-ly!"
"True.  There's an advantage in ruin," said she.

--"I wish I had feathers, a fine sweeping gown,
And a delicate face, and could strut about town!"--
"My dear--a raw country girl, such as you be,
Isn't equal to that.  You ain't ruined," said she.
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 19:40:00 +0000
From:         Oliver Vallee <OVA@OUH.NL>
Subject:      europeans

In heaven,

the germans are the mechanics
the french are the lovers
the italians are the cooks
the english are the police and
the swiss organize everything.


In hell,

the french are the mechanics
the swiss are the lovers
the english are the cooks
the germans are the police and
the italians organize everything!
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 16:15:00 CDT
From:         "PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU"
<PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU>
Subject:      differential diagnosis - Adult, sick humor

A late middle-aged man was very concerned about his wife's failing
health.  At his insistence, she let h im take her to their family
physician, an internist who prided himself on his ability to make
novel differential diagnoses.  After only one visit that entailed
exhaustive examinations and multiple tests, all of which were billed
to a third party payer, the doctor narrowed his diagnosis to two
possibilities.  Subsequently the doctor called the husband into his
office and explained the situation.  "I must tell you that your wife
is very ill.  She either has Alzheimer's disease or AIDS; I'm not
sure which, but with your help we'll find out.  I want you to take
her home and make sure she gets a good rest.  In the morning, take her
for a long ride in the country, say 40 to 50 miles out of town.  Let her
out and return alone.  If she finds her way back, don't have sex with
her."
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 15:14:26 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         Cate3.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  1.J.a     A collection of clean humor gather eight years
              ago, big

******************************************************************
**************

Selections from:  The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes

Q:  How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Six.  One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
    to the experience.

Q:  How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Five.  One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
    Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.

Q:  How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None a ya damn business!
A': 50.  50?  Yeah 50; its in the contract.

Q:  How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q:  How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q:  How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  Thats a hardware problem.
A': Two.  One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Q:  How many hardware folks/FSE's does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  That's a software problem.
A': None.  They always work in the dark!!!!

Q:  How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.

Q:  How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
    of license fee (binary only).

Q:  How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
    get it done.

Q:  How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A:: None:  `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A:: None of your damn business!

Q:  How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None:  A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to
    do it.

Q:  How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")

Q:  How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
    on strike!

Q:  How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None:  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q:  How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  1,000,001:  One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
    civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.

Q:  How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Q:  How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Seven.  One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
    with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q:  How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Five:  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
    out from under him.

Q:  How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three, but they're really only one.

Q:  How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
    go back on.

Q:  How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

Q:  How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q:  How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Thats not funny!!!
Q': How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A': It's "Women" and it's not funny!

Q:  How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q:  How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
    itself in.

Q:  How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Oooh, like, manual labor?  Gag me with a spoon!  For sure.

Q:  How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three:
      One to write the light bulb removal program,
      one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
      one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
          nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q:  How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Both of them.

Q:  How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen.  The true Zen
    answer is Four.  One to change the bulb.
A'":Zen Masters don't need to screw in light bulbs because they
    carry their own light with them.

Q:  How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Billions and billions.

Q:  How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
    how good the old light bulb was.
Notes:  This has also been said of Virginians.

Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
    bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q:  How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!

Q:  How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
    installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q:  How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three.  One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
    to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it.

Q:  How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
        Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
        of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank",
        and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists
        of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

Q:  How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

Q:  How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."

Q:  How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q:  How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three.  One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
    third to shoot the witness.

Q:  How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  10.  One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q:  How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  115.  One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

Q:  How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q:  How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A:  Five.   A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 18:24:22 EST
From:         Dani Mudge <DANI@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      UK Humor <nationalism>

Jim says he heard this joke from a Scot

Subject:      British Joke
Date:         11 Jun 1993 21:06:24 GMT
From:         jimj@contractor.EBay.Sun.COM (Jim Jones)
Organization: Sun Microsystems, Inc.  Mt. View, Ca.

The Welshman prays on his knees -- and on his neighbors; the
Scotsman keeps the Sabbath -- and anything else he can lay his
hands on; the Irishman will die for what he believes in -- but he's
not too sure what that is; and the Englishman is a self-made man,
who worships his creator.

========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 21:01:30 EDT
From:         "BERTON_CORSON@mcimail.com"
<70473.1567@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject:      Free Syringe With PEPSI Purchase!

Dumb jokes/statements on the syringe in Pepsi stories of the past week.
All are original material.  Read it an weep...

Pepsi, the choice of the new generation:        Shoot up with Pepsi!
****************************************

The Pepsi Company recommends you inspect your can before drinking from
it, or pour it into a glass.  I just had another can of Pepsi.  I
carefully rotated it, shook it, inspected it, and rolled it on the
floor, to listen carefully for any loose objects in it.  After I was
satisfied there was nothing wrong with my refreshing drink, I opened
the can and it blew up in my face.  I lost all the product, and had
to buy a new can.  This sure increases their sales.

****************************************

Hmmmm.  I just finished watching the news on CNN.  People now in 24 states
claim to have found syringes in their Pepsi, despite the fact the product
is canned in 40 locations around the country.  Probably a bunch of hoaxes.
But, you know, I was sipping my can of Pepsi while watching the news and
found a dinosaur egg in mine.  Should I tell anyone??????  Right now I'm
sitting on it to keep it warm.

****************************************

Well, I do think this thing with Pepsi having syringes in it is mostly
hoaxes, or is it?  I'm not concerned.  Anyway, when I had breakfast
yesterday, I found dozens of syringes in my favorite breakfast cereal,
"Sugar Coated Roach Egg Munchies".  When I poured milk on it, out came
more syringes.  Actually, them syringes turned out to be quite yummy,
so I went looking for more to eat.  For lunch, I ordered a hamburger,
and I was very depressed not to find a syringe in it, but not for long.
When I poured ketchup on it, out came a syringe that stabbed my burger!
Boy, was I excited, and I couldn't wait for dinner.  I rushed home and
took my tasty, turkey TV dinner out of the freezer.  When I opened the
box and saw syringes frozen in the gravy, I jumped for joy!  I quickly
put it in the microwave, and seven minutes later enjoyed melted syringes
on all my turkey trimmings.  And to top off the evening, I swallowed all
the needles I broke off, to eat last.  It is such a wonderful feeling
to swallow those needles, and to feel your throat just being torn apart
from them.  Yesterday will be a day that I'll never forget.

*****************************************

You may think all the above was written by a sick mind, but no, I am
not sick!  Nevermind the fact that every time a new California Condor
egg is laid at the Los Angeles or San Diego zoos, I get the munchies
for a tasty California Condor omelet.  They go fast, since there are
only 75 of these birds left in the world.  Anyway, I sort of wonder why
the darn zoo won't let me in anymore.

*****************************************

Sick stuff written by:
Berton M Corson  -  Northridge, California USA  -  5280397@mcimail.com
========
Date:         Wed, 16 Jun 1993 18:30:00 PDT
From:         "Ruiz, Stan" <SRUIZ@SAONET.UCLA.EDU>
Subject:      (Crude) Father and son joke...

Father and son are walking in the park.  They come across two dogs
screwing...

Boy:  "Father! Father!  What are those two dogs doing?!"
Father: "Well son, the dogs are just making puppies"

Satisfied with the explanation, they continue on.  Later that evening, the
boy walks in on his parents screwing...

Boy: "Mom! Dad!  What are you two doing?!"
Father: "Well son, your mother and I are making babies"

Boy: "OOOH, well in that case dad, flip mom around, I want puppies
instead!!"
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 08:30:56 EDT
From:         "BERTON_CORSON@mcimail.com"
<70473.1567@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject:      Pepsi Hoax <> Cracker Jack

Live Dangerously...  Drink Pepsi.

*******************

How appropiate.  On the 100th anniversary of Cracker Jack (candy coated
popcorn, peanuts and a prize!  ...everything your orthodontist never
wanted you to eat) the Pepsi Company decides to put prizes of the 1990's
in their product, instead.  Stuff like bullets, syringes, drugs, dinosaur
eggs, and beer.  It looks like the Cracker Jack company has met their
match.

********************

Berton M Corson  -  Northridge, California USA  -  5280397@mcimail.com
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 08:22:00 -0400
From:         Eric Schmidt <SCHMIDT@UTKLIB.LIB.UTK.EDU>
Subject:      Re: europeans


           * Tis better to have a partial bottle in front o' me...than a
                           partial frontal lobatomy.*

        * If a limestone company went bankrupt, would they have a going out
                              of business shale?*

            * You can't have everything...where would you put it?*
                                 -S. Wright-

           * It's a small world...but I wouldn't want to paint it.*
                                 -S. Wright-

        * Backwards words say to used I...again go I there...shit oh.*
                                 -G. Carlin-
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 08:42:42 CDT
From:         Mardi <MMCDANIE@UWF.BITNET>
Subject:      RIDDLES

THERE'S A MAN, LYING FACE DOWN IN THE DESERT WITH A PACK
ON HIS BACK.
WHAT IS IN THE PACK IS THE "INDIRECT" CAUSE OF HIS
DEATH....WHAT'S
IN THE PACK?

A PILOT LOSES CONTROL OF HIS AIRPLANE - HE CRASH LANDS - AS
HE REACHES
THE TOP OF A HILL AND LOOKS OUT OVER THE VALLEY BELOW,
HE REALIZES THAT
HE HAS GONE THROUGH A TIME WARP AND IS LOOKING AT THE
GARDEN OF EDEN AND
HAS NO DOUBT THAT THE TWO HUMANS HE SEES ARE ADAM AND
EVE.  HOW DOES
HE KNOW THEY ARE ADAM AND EVE (NO, IT'S NOT THE FIG
LEAVES!)

THERE'S A MAN LYING DEAD IN THE STREET SURROUNDED BY
BICYCLES - HOW DID
HE DIE?

THERE'S A MAN WALKING DOWN A STREET IN NEW YORK CITY -
AS HE PASSES A
NEWSPAPER STAND, HE NOTICES A PICTURE OF A WOMAN, AND
THE CAPTION UNDER
HER PICTURE STATES THAT SHE COMMITTED SUICIDE BY JUMPING
OFF THE SIXTH
FLOOR OF A HOTEL INTO THE STREET BELOW.  HE GOES TO THE
POLICE AND
SAYS THAT HE IS SURE THAT HER HUSBAND PUSHED HER AND
THAT IT WASN'T
SUICIDE....HOW DID HE KNOW?

THERE'S LOTS OF MORE OF THESE - I'D LOVE TO HEAR SOME NEW
ONES IF YOU
KNOW ANY.
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 10:44:50 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Alice in UNIX Land (Rather long & techie)


                                Alice in UNIX Land


    Alice was reading the message on her monitor and beginning to suspect
    that everything was not as it should be.  "Program too big to fit in
    memory," it read.

           "Curiouser and curiouser," she said, "All I did was load
    fourteen TSRs before starting my word processor.  With four megabytes,
    I wish I could use more than 640K."

           "At that moment, a small white consultant ( a very white
    consultant) ran across the room.  "Oh my coat and necktie," he said,
    "I'm going to be late for my appointment.  And at one fifty an hour,
    too."  Before Alice could say anything, he leaped into her monitor and
    disappeared behind her operating system.

           Alice thought that she had never seen anyone leap into a monitor
    before; and certainly not go clean through the operating system.  But
    then, she had been told that DOS was very shallow.  Without hesitating
    a moment, she leaped in after him.

           She found herself in a shiny corridor.  Not knowing what else to
    do, she began walking.  Turning a corner, she found herself facing two
    fat little men, each with an arm round the other's neck.  One had "POS"
    embroidered on his collar, and the "NEG".

           "I know," said Alice, "you two are a transistor."

           "Yes," said Positive.

           "Can you help me? asked Alice.

           "No," said Negative.

           "I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the
    direction she had been walking.  "Did he go this way?" she asked.

           "No," said Negative.

           She pointed the other way.

           "Yes," said Positive.

           Soon Alice came upon a large brown table.  The Consultant was
    there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that
    Alice did not recognize.  In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep.
    Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."

           Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which
    they were sampling what appeared to be custard.  "Wrong flavor," they
    all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their
    right and graciously took the one being offered on their left.  Alice
    watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she
    approached and sat down.

           Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her
    as if it wanted to be loved.  "Grep," it exclaimed.

           "Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker.  "He's just looking
    for some string."

           "Nroff?" asked the Frog.

           The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and
    a spoon.  "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"

           "It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a
    spoonful.  "Yuck!" she cried.  "It's awful.  What is it?"

           "Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the
    Hacker.

           Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse.  "Who's he?" she asked.

           "That's OS Too," explained the Hacker.  "We've pretty much given
    up on waking him.

           "Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse
    stood up.  "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the
    largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an
    Open Look at..."

           A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up
    angrily.  The Elephant noticed and changed his speech
    accordingly."...what our NextStep will be.

           "Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half
    snickered quietly to themselves.  Just then, OS Too fell over in his
    sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him.  No one
    seemed a bit surprised.

           "What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with
    his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh.

           "Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his
    face got red.  "No, no, no! he screamed.  "No one pays one fifty an
    hour to Macintosh consultants!"

           "Awk," said the Frog.

           "Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that
    they will not have to learn."

           "Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean
    secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"

           "Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to
    make them want to switch to UNIX."

           "Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a
    hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?'
    I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."

           "Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow,
    "like Brut, or Rambo."

           "Penix," suggested a Penguin.

           "Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."

           Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.

           "But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the
    shrinkwrap issue?"

           Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving
    their hands in the air and screaming.  Just as suddenly, they all sat
    down again.


           "Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back
    to tasting flavors."

           Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong
    flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on
    their right and took the one being offered on their left.

           Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been
    walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.

           "Rem," is said, "edlin."

           Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer
    sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."

           "Chkdsk," said the Frog.

    -----By Lincoln Spector     TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS    
SEPTEMBER 1989
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 09:48:00 CST
From:         Mike Novak <NOVAKMJ@SLUVCA.SLU.EDU>
Subject:      Silly non-offensive joke

What did the cannibal say after eating a comedian?

Gee, that tasted kinda funny...
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 08:26:27 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      Answer to the riddles

Mary and Jane lived in the same apartment.  One day Mary spent five minutes
in
the hall talking to a neighbor.  When she returned she found Jane lying dead on
the floor.  Jane had died of suffocation.  Yet there was nothing else on the
floor except some water and broken glass.  Further, the window was open and
unbroken.  How do you explain this phenomenon?

Jane was a goldfish.  The wind blew the window open, knocked the fish bowl
off
the table and Jane died of suffocation.


A man leaves home.  He makes three left turns and returns home.  When he
arrives home, two men wearing masks are waiting for him.  Who are the two
men
wearing masks?

The catcher and the umpire.


The people who make them, don't use them. The people who buy them, don't
want
them.  The people who use them, don't see them...what is it?

A coffin.


In marble walls as white as milk,
Lined with a skin as soft as silk.
Withing a fountain crystal clear
A golden apple doth appear.
No walls are there to this stronghold
Yet thieves break in, and steal the gold.
What is it?

An egg.
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 11:25:34 EDT
From:         Bernadette C Himaras <bch@WARM.SEMCOR.COM>
Subject:      answers to more riddles

My house has no windows,
nor roof, nor floor,
in fact all it has
is just 2 doors.
What am I.

a clam.

A man goes to a hardware store to buy something.
The posted price of the item is 25 cents a piece.
The clerks says 12 would be 50 cents and
1000 would be a dollar.
What did he go to buy?


house numbers - 12 is 2 digits, 1000 is 4 digits
                each digit is 25 cents

Answers tomorrow.
--
Bernadette Himaras
email: bch@warm.semcor.com
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 09:43:27 CST
From:         Fernando Davila Nieto <txmfdn@TXM.ERICSSON.SE>
Subject:      Musical Innocence (clean)

Receive this from a friend..

A fryer visits a young and very innocent girl. She is playing the piano.
He enjoyes the music for a while but then he sees a condom lying on the piano.
A bit puzled to see a condom with such an innocent girl he asks her why the
condom is placed there. The girl says ``Well, on the back it says 'put the
condom on the organ', I have no organ so I put it on the piano''.


Fernando
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 16:57:34 +0100
From:         Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK>
Subject:      Fax stuff (inuendo)

Guide to Safe Fax Misclass

Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and had to write
   memos to each other until they were twenty-one.  How old do you think
   someone should be before they fax?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you have learned the correct
   procedures.

Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax.  Is this
   legal?
A: Yes.  Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay
   a "professional" when their need to fax becomes to great.

Q: Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be
   used to insure safety.

Q: What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?
A: Don't panic.  Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a
   long time.  Just start over.  Most people don't mind if you try again.

Q: I have a personal and a business fax.  Can transmission become mixed up?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with
   each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

Q: Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who
   fax complete strangers every day.


Pete.
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 09:59:04 CST
From:         Arturo Efrain De Luna <txmaels@TXM.ERICSSON.SE>
Subject:      Canivals (crude)

Two child canivals telling their mom...

      mom we don't like grand ma' any more
the mother reply...You'll have to finish her or else...

---------------------------------------------------

One canival talking with his brother....

       Mom's sup it's very good.. isn't it?
but the other one answers... yeha but we'll miss her

----------------------------------------------------

At the entrance of a the movies...

Sorry sir, you can't enter with the boy, it is an adult movie.

....What boy, is my lunch.
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 09:09:30 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  1.J.b     A collection of clean humor gather eight years
              ago, big

******************************************************************
**************

Selections from:  The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes

Q:  How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  It turned itself in.

Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  How many can you afford?

Q:  How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  The entire team!  And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q:  How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None.  There never *was* any lightbulb.
Notes:  Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.

Q:  how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
    you knew how many.
Notes:  Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls

Q:  How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

Q:  How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  ---- You should have hit "n"!

Q:  How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  6:  2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was
    lit from the moment they began screwing.

Q:  How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  51.  One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
    being changed.

Q:  How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him
    down off the keg.
A': Five:  One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the
    room spins.

Q:  How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around him.

Q:  How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
    screws the bulb into the water faucet.

Q:  How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A:  This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
    pending resolution of some action items.  It will be continued next week.
    Meanwhile...

Q:  How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
A:  None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A': Only one. Oh, excuse me could you please test the socket with
    your finger while I go get a new bulb?"

Q:  How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  About one third less than for a regular bulb.

Q:  How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A:  Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.

Q:  How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q:  How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb.

Q:  How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb?
A:  45.  One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q:  How many junkies does it take?
A:  Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

Q:  How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q:  How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

Q:  How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A:  Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Q:  "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A:  "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
    the ship out of disgrace."
    (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight.  They
    consider this joke to be a discrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)

Q:  How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
    a light bulb?
A:  Many hands make light work.

Q:  How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"

Q:  How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
    light bulb?
A:  7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
    Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
    to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
    that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
    see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
    stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
    light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
    shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
    promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
    is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
    approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
    Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
    a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
    they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
    planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
    and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

Q:  How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A:  None.  Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

Q:  How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  At least three.  (Notes: think height!)

Q:  How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

Q:  How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  10,0000  - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

Q:  How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  Astronomers prefer the dark.

Q:  How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  All of them.

Q:  How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
    (Notes: Sock it = Socket.  Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")

Q:  Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a lightbulb?
A:  No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

Q:  How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Five.  Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...

Q:  How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
    give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q:  How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  It takes two.  One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

Q:  How many Field Service Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  That depends on how many defective bulbs they brought.

Q:  How many referral agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
    to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

Q:  How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
    itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
    reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
    toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q:  How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  one.

Q:  How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

Q:  How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

Q:  How many lightbulb jokes does it take to change a lightbulb joke?
A:  The probability that a given lightbulb joke will be submitted to
    the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it
    will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 .
    Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no
    submitter of a lightbulb joke ever seems to know it has been
    submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability
    that it will change in a given week is .08 .  So it takes about
    12.5 lightbulb jokes to change a lightbulb joke.

Q:  How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
A:  1,622.  One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some
    minor variation of it!

Q:  How many netters does it take to submit a lightbulb joke?
A:  1000:  One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers
does
    it take to screw in a lightbulb?  None, thats a hardware problem"







----------------------------------------------------------------
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 10:09:56 CST
From:         Jorge A Fuentes de Leon <txmjfue@TXM.ERICSSON.SE>
Subject:      Scientific panel (PG-13)

In order to decide who should win the Novel Prize, a group of scientist
form different countries are reunited in Stockholm presenting their
respective investigations.

The chinese was speaking:
- "My team and I, designed a new way to cultivate rice, which would increase
production by 100%".
The moderator asked:
-"So what happened?"
"Well", said the chinese,-"We missed our calculations for 10%"
Some clappings are heard on the audience.

Next comes the American:
-"I'll be short. I conducted an experiment to calculate the time the
Hubble (the giant telescope put in the space) would exactly cross
Saturno's orbit; we missed by five secconds!!!".
Standing ovation for the americans.

Comes the Irish Paddy, astonished with his coleagues researches, and
begins talking:
-"Well, in Ireland women seemed to had trouble with normal childbirth, so
I conducted a research for Annal delivery"
Everybody in the audience beggins whispering. The moderator asked in anxiety:
-"And WHAT happened!!!"

-"Well", calmly says Paddy-"We missed by TWO INCHES!!!!!!!!!".
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 09:58:10 CDT
From:         Dan Hanson <abe2@EDUC.UCALGARY.CA>
Subject:      Got a joke, G but slightly sick....

What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped.

(yeh I know I am warped but...)


Dan...
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 13:00:00 EDT
From:         Yves Delphin <YVES@JCSVAX1.BITNET>
Subject:      pepsi joke

The FBI has been investigated the pepsi pranks... They finally narrow it
down to the following.  The person(s) complaining  must be either a disgruntled
employee or somebody who has an ax to grind  against Pesico, or somebody
who
has access to medical info....,Therefore it must be Dr. Pepper!!!!
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 09:21:17 -0700
Comments:     <Parser> E: RFC822 "local part" (username) containing a blank
was
              encountered. These usernames are not presently supported.
Comments:     <Parser> E: Mail origin cannot be determined.
Comments:     <Parser> E: Original tag data was ->
"PC::MRGATE::\"A1::CORNELIUS,
              MICHAEL\""@PC.BITNET
From:         Undetermined origin c/o Postmaster
<POSTMASTER@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      More Wisdom (clean)

When painting, you won't discover the spots you have missed until after you
have cleaned the brushs.

When you get a new car, you can count on getting a ding in the door before you
get your license plates in the mail from DMV.

***********************  HELP  ****************************

I'm going to have to sign off of this list if I can't get it in a digest form.
I sent the command SET HUMOR DIGEST "MICHAEL CORNELIUS" and
nothing happened.
Can anyone please help?
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 13:54:18 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      BALLAD OF THE TWIN BUTTES

BALLAD OF THE TWIN BUTTES

by Earl H. Emmons


I once was calm, reserved and shy,
A rather quiet sort of guy,
A simple scribe of artless odes and sonnets,
But that's before I chanced to stray
Into that brassiere display
Where lovely ladies modelled bosom bonnets.

And now my simple lyric soul
Is prone to rear and rip and roll;
I'm frisky as a dozen playful kittens;
And I'm afraid I'm not the same
Since those divine upholstered dames
Exhibited their mamillary mittens.

Now I admit that here and there
Among the sex described as fair
I've looked at bosoms foreign and domestic,
From puny papillary warts
And sagging saddle-baggy sorts,
To massive mounds impressive and majestic.

Ah yes, I've been around, and yet
Of all the udders I have met,
And all that I have seen and felt and tasted,
Compared to those I saw the day
I crashed that brassiere display
Suggests my life has been completely wasted.

For there were busts that stood supreme,
The tit ulary creme de creme;
They filled me with tit anic tit illations;
I snort and prance, my reason rants,
My morals rip, I rend my pants
Just thinking of those lactic decorations.

For papillary pulchritude
Imbues in me a wanton mood,
My system seethes with fierce, salacious surges;
When I recall those gorgeous gals
And their delightful bosom pals
My spirit howls with indecorous urges.

And through my old rheumatic frame
Primeval passions flash and flame;
Those domes divine are driving me demented,
And if but once in dishabille
I saw them I would die I feel,
But I would perish happy and contented.
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 16:14:25 EDT
From:         Abi Philip <PHILIPA@DUVM.BITNET>
Subject:      RIDDLES !!!! AGAIN

RIDDLES -


   1. A man moves his car in front of a hotel and yells "I am bankrupt"
      why ?

   2. A man wakes up, reads the paper, turns on the light and then shoots
      himself.  why ? (in that order)


   3. A man lives on the 12th story of an apartment building.  On a normal
      average sunny day, the man will take the elevator to the lobby and go
      to work, when he comes back though he can only go up the the 9th
      floor, and then has to take the stairs the rest of the way up. However
      on a rainy day he can go all the way up.   why ?


   4. A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water, the bartender
      takes out a gun and points it to him, the man thanks the bartender
      and walks out.

   5. Two men walk into a bar and order the exact same drink on the rocks.
      The first man takes the dirnk and gulps it down and leaves. The second
      man takes his time to look around the bar and check out the scene and
      after a while he finishs his drink. He gets up to leave but he drops
      dead. why ?

    6. A man is found dead in the middle of the desert , no prints around
       him, face down, naked, with a small piece of wood next to him. How
       did he die ?


this should keep you guys busy for a while. Email me if you would like the
answers or know them later  .

If YOU WANT YOU GUYS CAN ASK YES OR NO QUESTIONS AND TRY
AND FIGURE OUT THE
ANSWER. but PLEASE EMAIL ME PRIVATLY IF SO, I DO NOT THINK
THIS LIST
WOULD AGREE WITH US PLAYING A GAME@!


abi
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 17:59:38 GMT
From:         Linda Santos <NS009-FINS2!NSBRK@MBS0.ATTMAIL.COM>
Organization: UBS Securities
Subject:      top 10 (G rated)

Top 10 activities for insomniacs when David Letterman defects to an
earlier time slot on June 25:


10. Find out why everyone is talking about that Home Shopping
Network.

9. Close you eyes and count talk show hosts.

8. Assemble videotapes for a Teri Garr Film Festival.

7. Memorize the words to every M*A*S*H episode.

6. Cultivate an attitude.

5. Teach your goldfish a Stupid Pet Trick.

4. See who puts you to sleep faster; listening to politicians on C-SPAN
or watching your fingernails grow.

3. Get your MTV.

2. Record your own infomercial.

1. Tape Dave's new show and watch it an hour later.


-Linda R. Santos
Internet   : nsbrk@mbs0.attmail.com  attmail: mbs0!nsbrk
MCIMail    : EMS: ATTMail MBX: DDA=ID=mbs0!nsbrk
Sprint     : (C:USA,A:ATTMAIL,O:ATTMAIL,ID:<mbs0(b)nsbrk)
Compuserve :
>x400:(C=US;A=ATTMAIL;O=ATTMAIL;dd=ID:"mbs0(b)nsbrk")
Voice      : (212) 230-4768          Fax: (212) 230-4665
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 15:02:28 PDT
From:         Paul Zinn <godzilla@VNET.IBM.COM>
Subject:      Pepsi's recent medical breakthroughs

My dad used to sing an old Pepsi jingle from the 50's or 60's that went,
"Pepsi-Cola hits the spot.  Twelve full ounces, that's a lot!"

I think nowadays it would probably go,

"Pepsi-Cola hits the vein.  Twelve full cc's, that's some pain!"
(or maybe "kills my pain," depending on what's in the syringes, I guess)
------------

I guess we know what Jack Kevorkian has been doing for extra income since
the Michigan authorities clamped down on him -- working as an industrial
spy for Coke!
------------

Did you hear about Diet Pepsi's new slogan?
"You've got the right vein baby, uh-huh!"
------------

The Associated Press reports state lottery ticket sales are down all around
the U.S. this week.  It seems that low-income heroin addicts, who usually do
their gambling with "pick-6" tickets, have switched to a new game in hopes
of hitting the jackpot: "pick-a-6-pack."  A Pepsi spokesperson declined
to comment on reports that cans of Pepsi and Diet Pepsi will now be marketed
in a joint campaign with Lucky Strike cigarettes.


That's all my Pepsi-saturated brain can come up with until the caffeine
high wears off.    -- Paul
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 14:50:00 PDT
From:         Tom Guenther <Thomas_Guenther@3MAIL.3COM.COM>
Subject:      Joke, strong language (and smell)

                           THE SHIT LIST

Ghost Shit -- You know you've shit.  There's shit on the toilet paper,
but there's no shit in the toilet.

Teflon Coated Shit -- Comes out so slick, clean, and easy that you don't
even feel it.  No traces of shit on the toilet paper.  You have to look
for the shit in the toilet to be sure you did it.

Gooey Shit -- This has the consistency of hot tar.  You wipe your ass 12
times and it still doesn't come clean.  You end up putting toilet paper
in you underwear so you don't stain it.  This shit leaves permanent
skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit -- You're all done wiping you ass and you're about
to stand up when you realize it...you've got to shit more.

Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Shit -- This is the kind of shit that killed
Elvis.  It just doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty,
trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

Richard Simmons Shit -- You shit so much, you lose 10 pounds.

Right Now Shit -- You better be within 30 seconds a toilet.  Usually it
has it's head out before you get your pants down.

Green Shit -- Comes the day after eating a big spinach salad.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit -- This shit is so big that you know it
won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks.  A
coat hanger works well.  This kind of shit usually happens at someone
else's house.

Cork Shit -- (Also known as Floaters) Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in there.  My God!  How do I get rid of it?!  This shit
also usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Shit -- This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG
splash that gets your ass all wet.

Wish Shit -- You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no
shit.

Cement Block Shit or Oh God! Shit -- You wish you'd gotten a spinal
block before you shit.

Snake Shit -- This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your
thumb and at least 3 feet long.

Mexican Food Shit -- (Also Called Screamers) You'll know it's alright
to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit -- This happens the day after the night before.
Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD!
Usually there's someone standing outside waiting to use the bathroom.
This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 21:25:00 EDT
From:         "Hiawatha.Battle" <ADP69@MSU.EDU>
Subject:      Corporate Policy; PG-13

         In the beginning was the plan, and then came the assumptions.
 The assumptions were without form and the darkness was upon the face of
 the workers and they spoke amongst themselves saying:

                 "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."

         And the workers went unto their supervisors and saith:

                 "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor
                 therof."

         And the supervisors went unto their managers and saith unto
         them:

                "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
                such that none may abide by it."

        And the managers went unto their directors and saith:

                 "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by
                 its strength."

         And the directors spake amongst themselves saying one to
         another:

                 "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is
                 very strong."

         And the directors went unto the vice presidents and saith:

                 "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

         And the vice presidents went unto the president and saith to
         him:

                 "This new plan will actively promote the growth and
                 efficiency of the company and these areas in particular."

         And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was
 good and the plan became policy.

                          "THIS IS HOW SHIT HAPPENS!"
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 22:20:48 EDT
From:         Abi Philip <PHILIPA@DUVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Answeers to RIDDLES!!!!!!!!

ok it seems like a lot of you are very curious about the answers to the riddles
well i will post them at once rather than mailing each one, i didnt realize
that i would get so many responses. I have quite a few more, about 101 riddles
with answers for those please mail me privatly and i will send them...
 Oh remenmber these are riddles played at parties , almost like mysteries
asking questions and putting the clues together i hope u enjoy them
also these are the easier ones compared to the ones i have.

ok here are the questions again followed by the answers...........

RIDDLES - ANSWERS!!!!!
=========

   1. A man moves his car in front of a hotel and yells "I am bankrupt"
      why ?

    ans:   He was playing Monopoly
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
   2. A man wakes up, reads the paper, turns on the light and then shoots
      himself.  why ? (in that order)

    ans: The man's occupation was a lighthouse keeper, he read in the paper
         that a ship crashed because the light was not turned on.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   3. A man lives on the 12th story of an apartment building.  On a normal
      average sunny day, the man will take the elevator to the lobby and go
      to work, when he comes back though he can only go up the the 9th
      floor, and then has to take the stairs the rest of the way up. However
      on a rainy day he can go all the way up.   why ?

    ans: He was too small to reach the 12th floor button, when it would rain
         he would have an umbrella, so that would make him able to reach the bu
         ton.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   4. A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water, the bartender
      takes out a gun and points it to him, the man thanks the bartender
      and walks out.

    ans:   He had the hiccups, the gun scared the hiccups away

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   5. Two men walk into a bar and order the exact same drink on the rocks.
      The first man takes the dirnk and gulps it down and leaves. The second
      man takes his time to look around the bar and check out the scene and
      after a while he finishs his drink. He gets up to leave but he drops
      dead. why ?

     ans : The ice was posioned , since the first man took the drink in one shot
         , the ice didnt have a chance to melt with the dirnk so he wasnt affect
           ed by it. The second man stayed for a while so the ice had a chance
           to mix with the drink.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        6. A man is found dead in the middle of the desert , no prints around
       him, face down, naked, with a small piece of wood next to him. How
       did he die ?

   ans: This one would have been tough, The man was on a balloon that had
tooi
        much weight. There were other people in the balloon, they tried to
        lessen the weight by removing all their clother but that didnt help
        so they drew "Straws". The man with the shortest toothpick ( explains
        the piece of wood) had to jump off the balloon.


abi
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 22:20:46 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Real Computer Scientists (fwd)


                Real Computer Scientists Don't Write Code

Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
'programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications.)

Real computer scientists don't comment their code.  The identifiers are
so long they can't afford the disk space.

Real computer scientists don't write the user interfaces, they merely
argue over what they should look like.

Real computer scientists don't eat quiche. They shun Schezuan food
since the hackers discovered it. Many real computer scientists consider
eating an implementation detail. (Others break down and eat with the
hackers, but only if they can have ice cream for desert.)

If it doesn't have a programming environment complete with interactive
debugger, structure editor and extensive cross module type checking,
real computer scientists won't be seen tinkering with it. They may
have to use it to balance their checkbooks, as their own systems can't.

Real computer scientists don't program in assembler.  They don't write in
anything less portable than a number two pencil.

Real computer scientists don't debug programs, they dynamically modify
them. This is safer, since no one has invented a way to do anything
dynamic to FORTRAN, COBOL or BASIC.

Real computer scientists like C's structured constructs, but they are
suspicious of it because its compiled. (Only Batch freaks and efficiency
weirdos bother with compilers, they're soooo un-dynamic.)

Real computer scientists play go. They have nothing against the concept
of mountain climbing, but the actual climbing is an implementation
detail best left to programmers.

Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value,
but they find it difficult to actually program in, as it is much too
large to implement. Most Computer scientists don't notice this because
they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.

Real computer scientists work from 5 pm to 9 am because that's the only
time they can get the 8 megabytes of main memory they need to edit
specs. (Real work starts around 2 am when enough MIPS are free for
their dynamic systems.) Real computer scientists find it hard to share
3081s when they are doing 'REAL' work.

Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything
homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.

Real computer scientists like planning their own environments to use
bit mapped graphics. Bit mapped graphics is great because no one can
afford it, so their systems can be experimental.

Real computer scientists regret the existence of PL/I, PASCAL and LISP.
ADA is getting there, but it is still allows people to make mistakes.

Real computer scientists love the concept of users. Users are always
real impressed by the stuff computer scientists are talking about;
it sure sounds better than the stuff they are being forced to use now.

Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware
has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines
are so poor at I/O.

Real computer scientists love conventions. No one is expected to lug
a 3081 attached to a bit map screen to a convention, so no one will
ever know how slow their systems run.
========
Date:         Thu, 17 Jun 1993 22:03:00 CST
From:         Mike Novak <NOVAKMJ@SLUVCA.SLU.EDU>
Subject:      Heard on the news tonight...

During a story about US Air's losses this quarter:

   "low ticket demand is blamed for the lack of business"


   Hmmmm, who's the MBA that figured that one out?!?!?
========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 00:42:54 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      HUMOR SUB report ++ Humor about English Lords

*29 different countries represented on HUMOR.

One of my goals for this list is to share humor, internationally.
With the results of this survey, taken 17 June 1993, we can claim
international standing.  Whether our fellow subscribers are living
abroad or natives, we do have a definite international favor.
There is no limit to the number of subscribers, but I would
particularly like to welcome non-US citizens to this list.  One of
the professional functions of this list is to create an awareness
of what we laugh about, no matter were we live.  I particularly
encourage North America contributors to frame their humor so that
all members have a chance to understand the humor.



*  Country        Subscribers
*  -------        -----------
*  Australia          9
*  Austria            5
*  Belgium            6
*  Brazil             3
*  Canada            48
*  Czechoslovakia     3
*  Egypt              1
*  Estonia            2
*  Finland            1
*  France             5
*  Germany            2
*  Great Britain     21
*  Hungary            4
*  Ireland            6
*  Israel             5
*  Italy              3
*  Japan              1
*  Mexico             1
*  Netherlands       11
*  Poland             4
*  Saudi-Arabia       1
*  Singapore          1
*  South Africa       1
*  Sweden            14
*  Switzerland        1
*  Taiwan             3
*  Turkey             3
*  USA              666
*  ???                1
*
* Total number of "concealed" subscribers:        28
* Total number of users subscribed to the list:  832
* Total number of users subscribed to the list:  860
*
* Total number of countries represented:          29

One of our European members gave me permission to post this humor:


Subject:      Re: British jokes, please.
Date:         Mon, 7 Jun 1993 06:58:30 GMT
From:         s30831r@taltta.hut.fi (Jussi-Pekka Sairanen)
Organization: Helsinki University of Technology, Finland

Two lords, brothers, live in a castle. One morning the butler,
James, comes to wake up the other lord. He draws off the curtains
and opens the window.

"Time to wake up you stupid old git. What the hell have you been
eating? Jesus, you smell like a junk yard. Here's your tea, and
this time, please, try not to spill it all over the sheets".

The lord takes the tea cup and drinks some. Then he says. "Thank
you James. Just a few things I'd like to say, if you don't mind.
First, I want to be woken up at seven, not six o'clock. Second, I
want honey in my tea, not sugar. And third, I'm not deaf, my
brother is.
------------------------------------------------------------ 17

HUMOR018
========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 09:35:38 +0100
From:         Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK>
Subject:      mommy mommy collection (gross, ^55 lines)

Another little collection. If you have any more could you mail me privately
and I'll make a list of new ones and post that rather than having them
one at a time.

Pete.

                         MOMMY, MOMMY
                            =====

 Mommy, Mommy, why do I keep walking in circles?
 Shut Up!  Or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

 Mommy, Mommy!  The milkman's here.  Do you have any money or should I
go out
 and play for a while?

 Mommy, mommy, can I play with Grandma?
 Ok, dear, just remember to bury her again afterwards

 Daddy, daddy, what's a pervert?
 Shut up and keep sucking !!!!

 Mommy, Mommy!  Why is daddy running away?
 Shut up and reload.

 Mommy, Mommy!  Am I done with my bath yet?
 Shut up or I'll flush you down!

 mommy mommy !   When is the pool going to be ready ?
 Shut up and spit ...

 mommy mommy ! I dont like Grandpa ...
 Well okay , eat the beans instead ...

 mommy mommy how far away are we from Europe ?
 Shut up and swim ..

 mommy mommy, i want a new dog!
 shut up, you haven't finished the old one yet!

 mommy mommy, what's a werewolf?
 shut up and comb your face!

 mommy mommy, daddy's in the car and it's going over the cliff!
 shut up and keep pushing!

 mommy mommy, i hate my sister's guts!
 shut up and eat what's on your plate!

 mommy mommy, i don't WANT hamburger for dinner!
 shut up and stick your arm in the meat grinder!
==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 12:29:47 MET-1
From:         Michal Murawski <BASSM@CH.PW.EDU.PL>
Subject:      T-shirt (X)

Hi y`all,
When I was in London I bought a T-shirt:

"              THE WORLD`S TEN GREATEST "FUCKS"

    What the fuck was that ?                     - Mayor of Hiroshima

    Look at all those fucking Indians!           - General Custer

    What a place to plant a fucking tree!        - Marc Bolan

    That`s not a real fucking gun !              - John Lennon

    Of course it fucking looks like her!         - Pablo Picasso

    I thought I could smell fucking petrol!      - Nikki Lauder

    Watch him, he`ll have some fuckers eye out!  - King Harold

    Who let that fucking woman drive ?!@?        - Space Shuttle Captain

    No fuckers gonna know...                     - Richard Nixon

    Where`s all that fucking water coming from?? - Captain of the "Titanic"



Michal M.   :*)
Warsaw, POLAND
==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 13:45:00 GMT+1
Comments:     Sent using PMDF-822 V3.0, routing is done by UTCIV1
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
9009310@STUDENT.UTWENTE.NL
From:         G.DELANGE@STUDENT.UTWENTE.NL
Subject:      inform me!

What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped.

(yeh I know I am warped but...)

==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 08:45:37 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Mulla's Why are you here? <Sufi humor>

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

  One day Nasrudin was walking along a deserted road.  Night was
falling as he spied a troop of horsemen coming toward him.  His
imagination began to work, and he feared that they might rob him,
or impress him into the army.  So strong did this fear become that
he leaped over a wall and found himself in a graveyard.  The other
travelers, innocent of any such motive as had been assumed by
Nasrudin, became curious and pursued him.

  When they came upon him lying motionaless, one said, "Can we help
you?  And, why are you here in this position?"

  Nasrudin, realizing his mistake said, "It is more complicated
than you assume.  You see, I am here because of you; and you, you
are here because of me."

==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 09:12:50 EST
From:         Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Condom jokes <rude to cute>

Re-post

Subject:      Re: British jokes, please.
Date:         Mon, 07 Jun 1993 12:40:22 GMT
From:         pkt@rz.uni-jena.de (Thomas Koehler)
Organization: Friedrich-Schiller-University Jena, Germany

There are now several packages for Condoms. Germans get 7 in every
package: For Monday, Tuesday ...

French get 10 in a package: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday and 5 for the weekend

Britains get 12 in every package: For January, February ...

Subject:      Condom joke
Date:         11 Jun 93 22:14:43
From:         ajb@s-crim1.dl.ac.uk (Alan Bleasby)
Organization: SERC Daresbury Laboratory, Warrington, UK

A drug addict sees another injecting himself in the arm with an
unsterile needle.

"For Gods sake, don't you realise the AIDS danger?"

"No problem, I'm wearing a condom"


==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 10:23:02 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Heard on the news tonight...

On Thu, 17 Jun 1993, Mike Novak wrote:
> During a story about US Air's losses this quarter:
>    "low ticket demand is blamed for the lack of business"
>    Hmmmm, who's the MBA that figured that one out?!?!?

This item reminded me of a FACT that was drilled into my brain in a
sociology class:

The major cause of poverty is lack of money.
==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 17:31:08 +0300
From:         hananel kvatinsky <ramot@CCSG.TAU.AC.IL>
Subject:      Re: Heard on the news tonight...

On Fri, 18 Jun 1993, Lee Bradley wrote:

> This item reminded me of a FACT that was drilled into my brain in a
> sociology class:
>
> The major cause of poverty is lack of money.

and this reminded me of something I saw in MAD magazine ages ago:

POVERTY BEGINS AT HOME
==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 10:26:24 EDT
From:         Tom Murray <F144@FERRIS.BITNET>
Subject:      yet more riddles

Mary and Jane lived in the same apartment.   One day Mary spent five minutes
in the hall talking to a neighbor.  When she returned she found Jane lying on
the floor.  Jane died of suffocation yet there was nothing else on thefloor except
some water and broken glass.  Further, floor the window was open and and was
unbroken.                              
> How do you explain this phenomenon?

  A:  I imagine Jane was a fish.  Chances are a gust of wind blew the fish bowl
off the table causing it to break.  Leaving the fish in the open air with no way
to breath it.

==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 10:51:54 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      3 pommy jokes <rude if you're English>

Subject:      Re: British jokes, please.
Date:         7 Jun 1993 10:07:33 GMT
From:         hodgen@ozzy.uni-koblenz.de (Wayne Hodgen)
Organization: Uni Koblenz, Germany.

[Editor's Note: Pommy is Australian slang for Brits]

How do you know when a 747 full of Poms has just landed at Sydney
Airport?

The whineing doesn't stop when they turn off the engines!

Wayne Hodgen  | hodgen@infko.uni-koblenz.de

---

Subject:      Re: British jokes, please.
Date:         Sun, 6 Jun 1993 15:09:06 GMT
From:         Brian.Milner@brunel.ac.uk (Brian D Milner)
Organization: Brunel University, West London, UK

A gently anti-British Joke of Antipodean extraction ...

How do you hide your money from a Pom?

Put it under the soap.

---

Subject:      Re: British jokes, please.
Date:         Tue, 8 Jun 1993 08:30:28 GMT
From:         thomsocc@dcs.glasgow.ac.uk (Colin C Thomson)
Organization: Glasgow University Computing Science Dept.

How long does it take for an English woman to have a shit?

Nine months.


==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 11:20:31 -0400
From:         Jason Bernstein <JDBER@CONNCOLL.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: yet more riddles

> Q:  How far can a dog run into the woods?

Only halfway. After that, it would be running out of the woods.

>Also:

>Q:  How many of each animal did Jonah take aboard the arc?

Yeah, like Jonah had an arc.. then maybe he wouldn't have been eaten by the
whale... Noah had the arc.. Jonah didn't take any aboard.

==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 15:59:08 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      LITTLE WILLIE

LITTLE WILLIE

by Eugene Field


When Willie was a little boy,
Not more than five or six,
Right constantly he did annoy
His mother with his tricks.
Yet not a picayune cared I
For what he did or said,
Unless, as happened frequently,
The rascal wet the bed.

Closely he cuddled up to me
And put his hand in mine,
Till all at once I seemed to be
Afloat in seas of brine.
Sabean odors clogged the air,
And filled my soul with dread,
Yet I could only grin and bear
When Willie wet the bed.

'Tis many times that rascal has
Soaked all the bed-clothes through,
Whereat I'd feebly light the gas
And wonder what to do.
Yet there he lay, so peaceful-like;
God bless his curly head!
I quite forgave the little tyke
For wetting of the bed.

Ah, me! those happy days have flown,
My boy's a father too,
And little Willies of his own
Do what he used to do.
And I, ah! all that's left for me
Are dreams of pleasures fled;
My life's not what it used to be
When Willie wet the bed!
==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 15:07:48 MST
From:         APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU
Subject:      Car Joke (G)

WIFE:  "There's trouble with the car.  It has water
        in the carburetor."
HUSBAND:  "Water in the carburetor?  That's ridiculous."
WIFE:  "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND:  "You don't even know what a carburetor is.
           Where's the car?"
WIFE:  "In the swimming pool."

==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 17:42:42 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      SCROTUM SELF-REPAIR

The following article appeared in the periodical _Medical Aspects of
Human Sexuality_ (July 1991) in the "Unusual Case" column, and
illustrates the one of the less-publicized hazards of our technological
age.


SCROTUM SELF-REPAIR

by William A. Morton, Jr., M.D.

One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse.
She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem
other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's
troubles."  The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously
uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his
trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.

After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove
his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained
gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of
a grapefruit and extremely tender.  A jagged zig-zag laceration,
oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some
half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were.
Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine
shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a
heavy-duty stapling gun.  The dark objects were one-inch staples of the
type used in putting up wallboard.

We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples, admitted him to
the hospital, and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum
antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery
the next morning.  The procedure consisted of exploration and
debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch.  Eight rusty
staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and
freshened.  The left testis had been avulsed and was missing.
The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal,
debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a
hematoma was present.  Through-and-through Penrose drains were
sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the
hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of
his story to me.  An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave
the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers.  Finding
himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of
masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt
of a large floor-based piece of running machinery.  One day, as
he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too
close to the belt.  When his scrotum suddenly became caught
between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into
the air and landed a few feet away.  Unaware that he had lost
his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he
stapled the wound closed and resumed work.  I can only assume
he abandoned this method of self-gratification.
==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 16:08:31 MST
From:         APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU
Subject:      Jordan Quote (G)

Michael Jordan, Chicago Bulls superstar, when asked why he
majored in geography at the University of North Carolina:
"I knew that I would be going places, and I just wanted to
know where I was when I got there."

==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 17:04:57 CST
From:         Fernando Davila Nieto <txmfdn@TXM.ERICSSON.SE>
Subject:      Word meanings (strong language)

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language is the word 'fuck'.  It is the one magical word, which, just by
its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate.  The word
'fuck' falls into many grammatical categories.  It can be used as a
verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was
fucked by John).  It can be an active verb (John really gives
a fuck!), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck),
an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John) and even a noun
(Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary
is fucking beautiful).  As you can see, its a fucking versatile
little word.

Besides it sexual uses (of which more anon), "fuck" can also be used
in many other situations:

Greetings . . . . . . How the fuck are you?
Fraud . . . . . . . . I got fucked by the car dealer.
Dismay  . . . . . . . Oh, fuck it!
Trouble . . . . . . . Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression  . . . . . Fuck you!
Disgust . . . . . . . Fuck me!
Confusion . . . . . . What the fuck . . .?
Difficulty  . . . . . I don't understand this fucking business.
Despair . . . . . . . Fucked again.
Incompetence  . . . . He fucks up everything.
Displeasure . . . . . What the fuck is going on here?
Lost. . . . . . . . . Where the fuck are we?
Disbelief . . . . . . Unfuckingbelievable!!
Retaliation . . . . . Up your fucking ass!!

It can be used in an anatomical description:
          He's a fucking asshole.

It can be used to tell time:
          It's five fucking thirty.

It can be used in business:
          How did I wind up with this fucking job?

It can be maternal:
          Mother fucker

It can be political:
          Fuck Tip O'Neill.

And never forget General Custer's last words: 'Where did all them
fucking Indians come from?'  Also, the famous last words of the Mayor of
Hiroshima: 'What the fuck was that?'  And, last but not least, the
immortal words of the Captain of the Titanic, who said 'Where is all
this fucking water coming from?'

The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word!  How can
anyone be offended when you say fuck?  Use it frequently in your daily
speech:  it adds to your prestige.

Today .......... say to someone --
                             FUCK YOU!!
==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 20:56:12 EDT
From:         Tom Murray <F144@FERRIS.BITNET>
Subject:      wordplay (interpretively offensive)_

   Q:  What's the difference between a constipated
       longshoreperson (politically correct) from the bronx and an
       epileptic corn husker.
   A:  One has shucking fits ...!

Tom Murray ==>F144@Ferris.bitnet
   Where the weather's fine and so are the women?
==========
Date:         Sat, 19 Jun 1993 13:14:56 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Humor from USENET <adolescent language & ethnic material>

Two Norwegians, two Swedes, and two Danes were stranded on a desert
island.  When the rescue party arrived two months later, the
Norwegians were fighting, the Danes had formed a cooperative, and
the Swedes were still waiting to be introduced.

This one *I* heard differently: The Americans were fighting over
how to divide the island between them, the two Germans had
established a coconut milk factory, and the two Brits were still
living in utter silence, waiting to be formally introduced.

(I had to give an alternative view; I happen to be Norwegian... :-)

---

A citizen of Oxford, England, moved to London, where he soon found
himself a little bit too superior to the rest of the population. So
in order to fit in to the environment, he had to do a surgery to
remove half of his brain.

Very well, he went to a hospital to get it done. The surgeon,
however, made a mistake during the operation, and instead of
removing _half_ of the brain, he removed the whole thing. When the
patient woke up, his first word was "Howdy!

---

The Dane, the Swede, and the Norwegian were arguing about which
country was most advanced in medicine.

"Well, in our hospitals," the Dane bragged, "we had a lady who had
lost her arm. We put in a mechanical arm, and now it works just as
if it was her own!"

"Hah, that's nothing," said the Swede. "In our hospitals, we had a
person without a heart. We put in an artificial one, and now he is
running for the olymics!"

"Hahaha," said the Norwegian. "We had a person who had gotten his
head chopped off. We put on a cabbage, and now he is in the
parliament!"

---

A barrister friend of mine who graduated years ago said that the
best piece of toilet graffiti was written on a vertical pipe in one
of the toilet cubicles in the Law dept.

It read: 'is this a legal loop hole?'

---


Toilet Graffitti in Legal Aid Office, Bronx, NY, circa. 1980:

"Prosecutors will be violated"


---


Now is the Windows of our disk contents


---

Overheard at a party:

Question: "So you think that Bill Clinton is an a------?"
Answer:   "Does a Postal worker belong to the NRA?"

---

A tourist comes to New York.  He goes up to a man on the street and
says, "Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me what time it is, or
should I just go f--k myself?"

---

The way I heard it, some years back (before the break up of the
Soviet Union):

In France, everything is permitted, except what is explicitly
forbidden.

In Germany, everything is forbidden, except what is explicitly
permitted.

In the Soviet Union, everything is forbidden, including what is
explicitly permitted.

And in Italy, everything is permitted, especially what is
explicitly forbidden.

---

One day at the court proceedings...

Judge: Didn't I make it clear to you last time that
I didn't want to see you here again?

Defendant: Oooh yes. I mentioned that to the constable
but he wouldn't listen!

==========
Date:         Sat, 19 Jun 1993 23:53:40 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Borrowing money <The wonderful teachings of the Mulla>

BORROWING MONEY

  One day Nasrudin asked a wealthy man for some money.

  "What do you want it for?"

  "To buy an elephant."

  "If you have no money you will not be able to maintain an
elephant."

  "I asked for money, not advice!"


==========
Date:         Fri, 18 Jun 1993 13:02:43 MET-1
From:         Josephine Jarfas <JARFAS@BTK.JPTE.HU>
Subject:      Corny, rated G

A man was driving home from the local shopping mall one evening.  On the
road leading home, there happened to be an experimental farm.  Bordering
the street was where the experimental pigs were kept.  And as they were
experimental, they were VERY expensive.  As the man is driving down the
road, his headlights hit upon an object in front of him.  He slams upon
the brakes, but alas, he's too late, and runs over one of the experimental
pigs.  As there was no one else around at this particular moment, he
decides to take off and pretend that nothing ever happened.  He arrives
at home, and proceeds to eat dinner and relax.  He was watching TV about
an hour later, when the doorbell rings.  It was a policeman.

The policeman asks the man if he was out driving at all this evening, and
the man, a little nervous about the hit-and-run, lies and says that he
hadn't been out all evening.  The policeman says that he knows the man is
lying, and that he had hit an experimental pig earlier that evening. The
man, being basically honest, decided to tell the truth, and say yes, he
did hit the pig.  But he was curious as to how the policeman found out
since there hadn't been anyone around.  The policeman replied,


"The Pig Squealed."

I think its cute.

Josephine
==========
Date:         Sun, 20 Jun 1993 13:09:44 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      The green ping pong ball & the meaning of life :-(

One of my students passed this article, which she found on a USENET
list, to me and I turn it over to you for your Sunday entertainment.


A father asked his young son on the occasion of his sixth birthday,
whether he could get him anything special for a present that year. "Yes,
dad", he said, "I'd like a green pingpong ball". His dad then looked in
every toy shop and every sportsshop in town, but could not find a green
pingpong ball anywhere. He got him a new bike, lots of lego and a tent,
instead. The boy was pleased with this, but didn't look completely
happy, because he hadn't got what he really wanted.

This went on year after year. On his twelfth birthday, for example, his
father asked him again if there was anything special he wanted, and
again he said "a green pingpong ball, please dad". This time, his father
scoured the whole country in his search for the desired object, but
everwhere people looked at him as though he were daft, and said sorry,
no green pingpong balls here. So he got him a new mountain bike, the
latest model of computer, and a complete set of Coventry City gear (for
that was the team that he supported). His son was delighted with all
these presents, but still had a slightly dissatisfied look.

Well, this continued year after year. On his eighteenth birthday, he was
having special celebrations for his coming of age. Again his father
asked him whether there was anything special he could get him this
particular year. "Can you try and find me a green pingpong ball please
dad?" was the reply. "Grrrrrrrrr!" seethed the father internally, but
set off on a search of the whole of Europe - Paris, Rome, Athens,
Munich, even as far as Moscow. "ve haf no grin pingpong bolls hirr." was
what they all said. He was doing rather well in his business at the
time, so he got his son a new sports car, a complete new stereo system,
and laid on a party with 1000 guests. But still his son had that
slightly unhappy look on his face.

Now I have some really bad news to relate. Some years earlier, it had
become clear that the boy was suffering from leukaemia. A few months
after the eighteenth birthday celebrations, this started to become
critical, and the doctors said that he could only expect to live a few
months longer. "Son!", said his father with an unsteady voice, "is there
anything I can get you to brighten up the final few months of your short
life?". "Well, father, he answered, it would make a big difference to me
if you could find me a green pingpong ball." This time, the father set
off on a round world trip. He went to New York, S. America, Sydney,
Beijing (they play a lot of pingpong in China), and lots of other places
besides. When he got back (with no green pingpong ball of course), he
had spent all of his money, and was a poor man. He went upstairs to see
his son, who by this time was lying on his death bed. "Son", he croaked,
"I just don't know how to tell you this, but I have failed, and now I
have no money left to get you any other present. But tell me one thing -
why do you want a green pingpong ball?"The son replied "Oh, I want it
because...". But his voice failed there, and he died without finishing
the sentence.

==========
Date:         Sun, 20 Jun 1993 20:03:35 EDT
From:         Mark O'Marra <F038@FERRIS.BITNET>
Subject:      Cowboy humor: Fun for all ages -G-

Sunday June 20, 1993 @ 8:00pm

Two cowboys ride into town and rob a bank. As they make their
escape on horseback one cowboy says to the other cowboy " Turn
around and tell me if you see the sheriff". So the cowboy turns
around and says "yes", and the other cowboy says " Well, how far
away is he?". And the other cowboy says " about this far " and he
spreads his fingers about 1 inch apart. So they kept riding and
after about 15 minutes the one cowboy turns to the other cowboy
and says " Turn around and tell me if you can still see the
sheriff". So the other cowboy turns around and says "yes", and
the other cowboy says "Well, how far away is he?". And the other
cowboy says " about this far" and he spreads this hands about 1
foot apart. So they keep riding and after 15 more minutes the one
cowboy turns to the other cowboy and says " Turn around and tell
me if you can still see the sheriff". So the other cowboy turns
around and says "yes", and the other cowboy says "how far away is
he?". And the other cowboy says " about this far" and he spreads
this hands about 3 feet apart. So the one cowboy says to the
other cowboy " Turn around and shoot'em" and the other cowboy
says " I can't". and the other cowboy says "WHY #@#@@# NOT ???".



The other cowboy says " because I've known him since he was this
big" and he spreads his fingers about 1 inch apart.
HA. HA.



Mark O'marra

Ferris State U
Big Rapids, MI
F038@FERRIS.bitnet
==========
Date:         Mon, 21 Jun 1993 08:53:19 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      STUDENT TIPS FOR SURVIVAL

STUDENT TIPS FOR SURVIVAL

1.  Nelson Algren gave this famous advice for leading a successful life:
"Never eat at a place called Mom's; never play cards with a man named
Doc; and never go to bed with someone who has more problems than you
do."  Adapt this to your academic experience:  Never take a class from
someone who claims Virginia Woolf is a better writer than William
Shakespeare; never befriend someone who begins or ends every other
sentence with the mantra "racismsexismhomophobia"; and never go to bed
with someone who says that AIDS is an equal opportunity disease.

2.  At registration time, read your course catalogues very carefully.
Politically correct professors will not usually label themselves as
such.  But they will be unable to help using code words in their
course descriptions.  Avoid classes that are described through the
buzzwords of correctitude:  patriarchy, false consciousness,
hegemony, imperialism, Foucault, solidarity, Euro-, andro-, and
other centrisms, Native American, hierarchy, socialist ideal,
Catharine MacKinnon, semiotics, "after twelve years of Reagan
and Bush," gender issues, actually existing Marxism,
heteronormativity, phallo-anything.

3.  Men with handbags are usually making a political statement.
Women with hairy armpits are always making a political statement.

4.  There is no point in being politically correct if you don't
let people know it, so most instructors leave non-verbal clues.
Dressing in proletarian chic is one (Ben Davis shirts, Jordache
jeans, workboots, anything from L.L. Bean).  The granola look is
another -- no make-up, uncombed hair, earth-colors and hoop
earrings.  (A nose ring typically expresses one-ness with the
world's multiculturally oppressed.)  A third is the emphemera
posted on the bulletin boards outside instructors' offices.
Look for cartoons from the Village Voice, anti-apartheid
bumper stickers and a conference announcement featuring
eco-feminism, animal rights alerts, and post-modern anything.

5.  Ask your instructor his or her position on gender-neutral
language.  When you receive the usual boilerplate answer, ask
him/her if this means he/she likes this reworking of the
sendtence "All men are brothers":  All people are siblings.

6.  Avoid any Philosophy class which proposes to separate Marx
in theory from Marx in practice.  Avoid any history class
which proposes that the U.S. drove Castro into the arms of the
Soviet Union.  (Castro was the arms of the Soviet Union.)

7.  Take a lot of science and math courses.  Scientists have
a stake in truth and objectivity and will be the last
holdouts against political correctness.  Scientists may not
be as articulate as their liberal arts colleagues, but they
know that English professors, for instance, are cynical about
values because they suspect that their discipline has none.

8.  Be the devil's advocate.  When a leftwing professor
preaches about environmentalism, ask him/her how he/she
can justify the impact of the working class of increased
environmental regulation.  When the professor preaches
about jobs and employment security, ask him/her how he/she
can justify the impact on the environment of intensified
economic activity.

9.  Be an informer.  Don't hesitate to go to the administration
whenever you see any signs of political bias in grading or
classroom instruction.  (Be sure the administrator is not
politically correct.)  If going to the administration
doesn't work, go to the local press.  If that doesn't work,
go to your state assemblyperson.  If that doesn't work, go
to your Congressperson or U.S. Senator.  If that doesn't work,
go to your parents' lawyer.

10. Be a pain in the ass.  Whenever a classroom discussion is
moving on with no opposition to the lunacy at hand, raise your
hand and ask a question that will stop everyone in his/her
tracks.  Like:  If women are only paid 60 cents on the
dollar compared to men, how come employers don't fire their
male employees, hire women and increase their profits by
40%?  In doing this, don't commit academic suicide.  Assume a
certain obliqueness.  Your model should not be Mario Savio,
but rather George of The Jerry Seinfeld Show.




---Heterodoxy
==========
Date:         Mon, 21 Jun 1993 09:46:05 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Nine Types of Users (fwd)


Scon is short for Student Consultant.  Scons are people hired to help users
learn and work with the university's machinery.  A pod is a UNM term for a
place where such machinery is made available.


The nine types of users

El Explicito - "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now
it doesn't, ya know?"
Advantages:  Provides interesting communication challanges.
Disadvantages:  So do chimps.
Symptoms:  Complete inability to use proper nouns
Real Case:  One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, "I
can't get what I want!"  The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his
belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come to the right place."

Mad Bomber - "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and now it
looks all weird."
Advantages:  Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages:  User might have translated document to Navajo without
meaning
to.
Symptoms:  More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in
WordPerfect
Real Case:  One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was
underlined.  When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd set and unset
underline more than fifty times in his document.

Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I
fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."
Advantages:  Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages:  'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms:  A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing
them.
Real Case:  One user complained that their program executed, but didn't do
anything.  The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that
they'd commented out EVERY LINE.  The user said, "Well, that was the only
way I could get it to compile."

Shaman - "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and
formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile."
Advantages:  Gives insight into primative mythology.
Disadvantages:  Few scons are anthropology majors.
Symptoms:  Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
Real Case:  One user complained that all information on one of their disks got
erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I suspect nothing
had ever been on it).  Reasoning that the deleted information went
*somewhere*,
they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different disks for the
missing information.

X-user - "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite impressive,
really."
Advantages:  Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Disadvantages:  Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics
technology.
Symptoms:  Fuzzy hands, blindness
Real Case:  When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC
station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring.  I suppressed my laughter
while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they
were doing exectly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.

Miracle Worker - "But it read a file from it yesterday!"  'Sir, at a guess,
this disk has been swollowed and regurgitated.'  "But I did that a month ago,
and it read a file from it yesterday!"
Advantages:  Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages:  People complain when scons actually use the word
'horse-puckey'.
Symptoms:  Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around.  Must be
the kryptonite in your pocket.
Real Case:  At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM
WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.

Taskmaster - "Well, this is a file in MacWrite.  Do you know how I can upload
it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM,
convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?"
Advantages:  Bold new challanges.
Disadvantages:  Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms:  An inability to keep quiet.  Strong tendancies to make machines
do things they don't want to do.
Real Case:  One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person's
E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his target's home system,
account name, or real name.

Maestro - "Well, first I sat down, like this.  Then I logged on, like this,
and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited
my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and
after that I picked my nose, like this. . ."
Advantages:  Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages:  For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms:  Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what
was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to
that."
Real Case:  I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's shoulder
while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they
did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87 copies of the
same thing).

Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) -
"I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would you please
garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"
Advantages:  Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages:  Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on
this planet.
Symptoms:  Inability to communicate except by complaining.
Real Case:  One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he
(the user) didn't like it.

--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to
funny@clarinet.com.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Please don't send me requests of the form, "could you please send me the
joke about XXX?"  Yes, I have it, but if I were willing to let myself be
a joke server I would spend all day doing it.  I reject all such requests.
==========
Date:         Mon, 21 Jun 1993 15:06:40 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Re: Jurassic Park

There's an unconfirmed rumour going around London that
if the new Speilberg film loses money, his next will be called:
"Boracic Lint".



(Boracic Lint =(cockney rhyming slang) skint  = broke)
==========
Date:         Mon, 21 Jun 1993 10:23:08 EDT
From:         Daryl <DARYL@VTVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      PG-13

From Robert Parker's new book "Paper Doll".  (A Spenser thriller)


Do you know the difference between a toilet seat and a hotel worker?
                                            (waitress could work also)

Toilet seat only serves one asshole at a time.
==========
Date:         Mon, 21 Jun 1993 11:47:42 -0400
From:         Har Ni Sett Twar <philipa@DUNX1.OCS.DREXEL.EDU>
Subject:      One More Riddle -answer

Another riddle.....

A man is sitting in a chair, in a cabin on the side of a mountain.
The man is dead.  How did he die?


the man died in a cabin of a plane which crashed into the side of the mountain

==========
Date:         Mon, 21 Jun 1993 13:14:34 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      POPE FOR A DAY!

from the "Michigan Gargoyle":

                        Would you like to be

                    P O P E  F O R  A  D A Y  ? ?


That's right!  Are you ready for the experience few mortals will ever
share:  24 hours as His (or Her) Holiness?  This is your big chance!
The "Gargoyle" (by special arrangement with VATICO Enterprises) is
searching high and low for that one lucky person who will be
                         POPE FOR A DAY!

Are you Papacy material?  Let's find out with a simple quiz.

ARE YOU:
( ) White?                           ( ) Big on the "Kyrie Eleison"?
( ) Catholic?                        ( ) Fluent in a dead language?
( ) Theoretically heterosexual?      ( ) Able to prove four miracles?
( ) Anti-abortion and birth control? ( ) A lover of wine and crackers?
( ) A castrati?                      ( ) The owner of a bullet-proof vest?

           IF SO, PONTIFICATION MAY BE IN YOUR FUTURE!

Just look at all the fabulous prizes you'll win if you're chosen POPE
FOR A DAY:
--an Izod miter, personalized with your initials!
--a dozen cases of Blue Nun (the wine that goes with anything!)
--Divine intervention in the cause of your choice!
--The Papal ring, made by Josten's, makers of fine class rings since 1909!
BONUS: Entries postmarked before midnight, 30 November, will receive a
free Lutheran Indulgence!

Rush your entries to:  POPE FOR A DAY
                       420 MAYNARD
                       ANN ARBOR, MI.   49109


"Pope for a Day" is a registered trademark of VATICO Enterprises
("We make Popes out of pips")
==========
Date:         Mon, 21 Jun 1993 15:57:18 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Shun inevitability <more Mulla>

SHUN INEVITABILITIES

  Nasrudin, in his capacity as a Sufi teacher, makes frequent use
of the dervish technique of himself playing the part of the
unenlightened man in the story, in order to highlight a truth.  A
famous tale denying the superficial belief in cause and effect
makes him the victim.

  Mulla Nasrudin was walking along an alleyway one day when a man
feel from a roof and landed on top of him.  The other man was
unhurt--but the Mulla was taken to the hospital.

  "What teaching do you infer from this event, Master?" one of his
disciples asked him.

  "Avoid belief in inevitability, even if cause and effect seem
inevitable!"  Shun theoretical questions like: 'If a man falls off
a roof, will his neck be broken?'  He fell--but my neck is broken!"

  Because the average person thinks in patterns and cannot
accommodate himself to a really different point of view, he loses
a great deal of the meaning of life.  He may live, even progress,
but he cannot understand all that is going on.

==========
Date:         Mon, 21 Jun 1993 16:06:20 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Belgian jokes <ethnic sensitivities>

Subject:      Belgian jokes
Date:         Thu, 10 Jun 1993 20:12:37 GMT
From:         kissel@unix-ag.uni-kl.de (Rolf Kissel)
Organization: University of Kaiserslautern

Actually there are a lot of Belgian jokes too...
If you know any tell them.

The Belgians are known to like chips VERY much... So, How can you
make a Belgian go crazy? Lock him into a round tower and tell him
there are chips in the corner.


Belgians are said to be quite hmm.. brainless... So, one day the
Belgian king wrote a letter to the Grand-Duke of Luxemburg,
complaining about the bad Belgian jokes in Luxemburg...

The Grand-Duke who cared a lot for the diplomatic entente between
Belgium and Luxemburg ordered to build a bridge, just without any
reason over dry landscape to give the Belgians something to laugh
about the Luxemburgers too to improve relationships.

The Belgians laughed and laughed about the stupidity of the
Luxemburgers. But after two years the Belgian king wrote to the
Grand-Duke that now they had laughed enough and the bridge could be
destroyed again.

The Grand-Duke replied that he couldn't do such a terrible thing
and remove the regular meeting place for the 20 Belgian fishers
that met daily on that bridge.


==========
Date:         Mon, 21 Jun 1993 16:24:39 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      A UNIX Alphabet (fwd)

         THE ABC'S OF UNIX

    A is for Awk, which runs like a snail, and
    B is for Biff, which reads all your mail.

    C is for CC, as hackers recall, while
    D is for DD, the command that does all.

    E is for Emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
    F is for Fsck, which rebuilds your trees.

    G is for Grep, a clever detective, while
    H is for Halt, which may seem defective.

    I is for Indent, which rarely amuses, and
    J is for Join, which nobody uses.

    K is for Kill, which makes you the boss, while
    L is for Lex, which is missing from DOS.

    M is for More, from which Less was begot, and
    N is for Nice, which it really is not.

    O is for Od, which prints out things nice, while
    P is for Passwd, which reads in strings twice.

    Q is for Quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
    R is for Ranlib, for sorting ar [sic] table.

    S is for Spell, which attempts to belittle, while
    T is for True, which does very little.

    U is for Uniq, which is used after Sort, and
    V is for Vi, which is hard to abort.

    W is for Whoami, which tells you your name, while
    X is, well, X, of dubious fame.

    Y is for Yes, which makes an impression, and
    Z is for Zcat, which handles compression.
==========
Date:         Mon, 21 Jun 1993 17:00:45 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  1.K     A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago,
              big

Date: 19 Feb 87

                What I Did Over Christmas Break.

I built an anti-gravity device and strapped it to my skis, but I forgot to
install an 'off' switch so I had to pay for the chairlift rides down.

I found the Loch Ness monster and discovered the reason it so seldom emerges
is that it has cable.

I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes but it didn't work.

I had a paper due and I asked for more time so now the universe is going to
last an extra week.  When I asked for more time right away I got six days all at
once.

I squeezed some fresh orange juice but soon discovered that orange juice is
incompressible.

I bought one of those key rings that beeps when you clap, then I lost my hands.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Mark Twain warned against reading them.  He said, "You might die of a
misprint."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

New Yorker Humor

----------
Adv. in the Eagle, newspaper of the American University:
"ACCURATLEY YOURS Professional word processing company.  Open 24
hours every day."
New Yorker comment: "Maybe you need a little rest."

----------
From the California Aggie, newspaper of UC Davis:
"'I found people are happy with the Constitution.' Schjoth said.  'After 200
years, it is still working effectively.'  It is the Supreme Court's
responsibility to translate the document, he said.  The question remains
whether 12 people can translate the Constitution for the entire nation."
New Yorker comment: "...or if perchance nine might suffice."

----------
From Newsday:
"The plot is less than the sum of its parts.  It concerns an unconventional
family -- a free-spirited mother and her three young-adult children -- that
visits an English seaside resort. There they meet a young dentist, who falls
in love with the older daughter, his grumpy landlord, the mother's nervous
soliciter, the friendly waiter, and a stuffy barrister."
New Yorker comment: "Maybe it's dentistry that makes the world go round."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

     Why do cows have long legs?
     It they didn't it would lead to their utter destruction.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

COMPUTER KILLERS OF MARIETTA

  MARIETTA, GA. -- If you *really* hate that clunker computer of yours, you
can put it in the car, drive to the Bullet Stop in Marietta, GA (off Cobb
Drive at Powder Springs Rd.) and put it out of its misery on the two-year old
shop's firing range.  With a machine gun.

  Cathy Lavista of The Bullet Stop explains, "We had an Apple, a little old
Apple, and there was a Xerox copy machine.  Hewlett-Packard also brought in
one of their printers, one of the great big ones, and set circuit boards on
top of them.  And they blow apart nicely -- little pieces go everywhere.  You
wouldn't need a very big gun.  You could knock it out with 50 rounds off an
HK, a German machine gun.  Then if you really want to finish it off you could
put it out of its misery with a Thompson sub-machine gun.  That shoots .45
caliber shot, it's the old gangster gun, and it really cleans it up."

  Of the customers: "They shoot from pretty close.  By the time they get them
in here they hate them.  They usually take them out at 30 feet, you like to
see what you're doing.  When we sweep the range we find little bytes and
pieces
of things."  (She laughs at her cleverness on that last line.)  Actually, Ms.
Lavista says, computers aren't the only things The Bullet Stop will let you
shoot.  "You can shoot it as long as you can get it through the doors and
it's already dead. We had to open a side door for the printer."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

     In the begining the Lone Ranger didn't have Tonto or even Silver.  He did
have a horse named Diablo.  And before every mission he would Mount Diablo.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Are you tired of seeing the same old list of "excerpts from accident reports on
insurance claims" that gets remailed every few months or so?  Well, here's a
different batch of similarly confused writing.  [What follows is from the AP
news wire; reprinted without permission.]

        LEESVILLE, La. (AP) - "My son is under the doctor's care and should
not take P.E. today," one parent wrote.  "Please execute him."
        That death sentence was inadvertently recommended in a note which a
parent who was in a hurry or possessed of an uncertain vocabulary wrote to
excuse a child's absence from school in Vernon Parish.
        Duplicated copies of some of the parish's more astonishing excuse notes
were given out at a School Board meeting this month.
        "Some of them were obviously made up by students," Richard Carter,
assistant principal of Leesville High School, said Wednesday.  But most, he
said, were probably legitimate excuses written by parents in the rural
northwest Louisiana parish.
        In these samples, names were replaced with either Fred or Mary to
protect innocent and guilty alike.
        One parent appeared to have taken drastic action:  "Please excuse Mary
for being absent.  She was sick and I had her shot."
        Another had a more comprehensive request:  "Please excuse Fred for
being.
It was his father's fault."
        "Please ackuse Fred being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33,"
wrote a parent who lives by an unusual calendar.
        "Mary was absent from school yesterday as she was having a gangover,"
wrote one who apparently expected the school to be tolerant of social follies.
        "Mary could not come to school today because she was bother by very
close veins," wrote one parent.
        "Fred has an acre in his side," said another.
        And in an extreme case of people losing things, "Please excuse Fred from
P.E. for a few days.  He fell yesterday out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
        In a confusion of office work and medical terms, one parent wrote: 
"Please excuse Mary from Jim yesterday.  She is administrating."
        And several had a racier tone:
        "Please excuse Fred for being absent.  He had a cold and could not breed
well."
        "Please excuse Mary.  She has been sick and under the doctor."
        "Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday.  She was in bed with
gramps."


-----------------------------------------------------------------

Remark on the efficacy of fortune-tellers, from the memoirs of a New York
policewoman:
        I've been told lots of things by [gipsy fortune-tellers], but I've
never been told that I was a plainclothes policewoman about to arrest them.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

BUMPER STICKER SEEN ON A CAR IN FLORIDA:
        "Leaving Florida?  Take a friend."
                -The Commision Against Progress in Florida

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Arthur C. Clarke's Law :
   It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Last month, after one the boats was eliminated from the Cup, the crew members
decided to go sightseeing for kangaroos.  Sure enough, they were successful:
They were motoring through the bush when the car hit a kangaroo with a thud.
The driver was taken aback.  But then he decided it might be neat to take off
his official team Gucci jacket, put it on the limp kangaroo, prop up the animal
and pose for pictures with it.  This worked fine until the kangaroo, who was
merely stunned, woke up and bounded away - with the car keys inside the
jacket.
The stranded crew eventually made it back to civilization, but only after a
long, long walk.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

     When some people immigrate to the United States they often try to
assimulate the culture.  This can be difficult at first, for example the
fourth of July, and Thanksgiving are hard to understand without knowing
American history.  Well a man named Ali moved into San Jose in late October,
heard about Halloween and did some research.  He brought candy and organized
a small party with some relatives.
     Halloween night Ali's wife commented to her brother.  "Some times my
husband is weird"  "Oh how so?"  "Right now Ali's bobing in thorny leaves."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 87 09:56:57 pst

At a recent aviation safety conference, Jack Eggspuler told a story similar
to that of the student with the extra $25,000 credited to his account
[Steve Thompson, RISKS-4.46]:

He had banked for years at a small-town bank.  One day, a large banking
conglomerate bought up the small bank.  After this, Jack noticed that his
deposits weren't being listed.

He went into the bank to talk to them.  It turned out that his account
number, which had been assigned to him when the bank was independent, was
identical to Borden Industries' account number with the conglomerate.  Yup,
his penny-ante deposits were going into Borden's account.

He thought it was straightened out.  A week or so later he went in to
cash a check, and asked for his balance.  It was:  $9,238,345.35.  Ulp!  He
thought of a new Piper, but settled for a copy of the printout.  He's got
it hanging on his wall...

GIBU:  Garbage in, Bucks out?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

here is one someone at work told me... Why do floresent lights hum?
cause they don't know the words

-----------------------------------------------------------------

FAMOUS  LAST  WORDS

"I think there's a world market for about 5 computers."
        - Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (around 1948)

"This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it.  He's doomed."
        - Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
        - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, five
days before the Crash of 1929.

"God himself could not sink this ship."
        - Anonymous Titanic Deck Hand

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
        - Dr. Lee De Forest

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
        - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Patent Office, 1899.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Movie Chinese

As an aside,  I have a friend who is Korean and in the martial-arts
skit in Kentucky Fried Movie where the bad guy is giving some sort
of speech in "Chinese", he claims what he really is saying (in Korean),
is something like:

"I'm really embarassed to be doing this and the only reason I'm doing it
 is because they're paying me a lot of money.  So here I am saying
 nonsense that you probably wouldn't understand unless you were Korean."

------- Message 2

I've heard that, in TORA TORA TORA, Richard "But The Japanese Never
Signed
The Geneva Convention" Loo, when interrogating an American officer in
"Japanese", was really asking him things like, "DO YOU WANT DUCK
SAUCE
WITH YOUR EGG ROLL?!?" in Chinese (he used to work in a Chinese restau-

----------------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Tue, 22 Jun 1993 08:33:58 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      TOP 10 JFK ASSASSINATION THEORIES

10 - Hunters mistook the President for a deer.

 9 - Kennedy was despondent over Marilyn Monroe and arranged his own
     elaborately orchestrated suicide.

 8 - Crazed postal worker fired at random from grassy knoll.

 7 - Drunk Texans were really shooting at Governor Connally.

 6 - Oswald and Ruby were killer cyborgs sent from the future.

 5 - Kennedy hadn't paid his overdue fines at the book depository.

 4 - Oliver Stone masterminded the assassination in order to ensure
     availability of subject matter for movies he would later make.

 3 - The "Enquirer Hypothesis":  Conspiracy between Elvis, Big Foot,
     Liz Taylor, and Space Aliens.

 2 - The President quite literally sneezed his brains out.  The
     assassination story was just an elaborate hoax to protect
     against public embarrassment.  JFK is currently living in
     seclusion, regretting the entire incident.

 1 - CIA misinterpreted JFK's remark that "America needs a war in
     Viet Nam like I need a hole in the head."
==========
Date:         Tue, 22 Jun 1993 08:53:10 EDT
From:         Marty <MEARLE@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      non-offensive

Arriving at the Philadelphia International Airport, I was greeted by a man
carrying a sign which read, "THE WAGES OF SIN ARE DEATH."  (I guess
that was
his way of welcoming me to town!)  I walked up to him and said,  "You know,
I suppose the wages of sin ARE death, but after they take out taxes, it's just
kind of a tired feeling, really."

(I heard a comedian use that years ago...)
==========
Date:         Tue, 22 Jun 1993 09:17:22 -0400
From:         Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Murphy's Laws of Computer Programming

A few laws of computer programming:

 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
 3. If any program is useful, it will have to be changed.
 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
 6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
 7. Program complexity always grows until it exceeds the capability of
    the programmer who must maintain it.
 8. If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems
    will malfunction.
 9. Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper
    order will be.
10. If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an
    ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
11. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
12. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
13. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete
    than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
14. (Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology) There is always one more
    bug.
15. It is impossible to make any program foolproof because fools are
    so ingenious.
16. When things are going well, something will go wrong.
17. When things just can't get any worse, they will.
18. Anytime things appear to be going well, you have overlooked something.
19. Test functions and their tests should be reproducible -- they should
    all fail in the same way.
20. If it looks easy, it's tough.
21. If it looks tough, it's damn near impossible.
22. You always find any bug in the last place you look.
23. Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
24. A terminal usually works better if you plug it in. 25. If all else
    fails, read the documentation.
26. If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical
    writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it.
27. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
28. What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
29. Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there
    is nothing important to do.
30. Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
31. No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
32. Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn't have to do it himself.
33. If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs,
    then the first woodpecker than came along would destroy civilization.
34. Programmers will act rational when all other possibilities have
    been exhausted.
---[0367]---


+------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|       "Comedy, for me, it's cheaper than therapy." R. Williams         |
|                                                                        |
|   jsbell@acs.ucalgary.ca Internet     Academic Computing Services      |
|   bellj@cpsc.ucalgary.ca (alternate)  University of Calgary, Canada    |
|                                                                        |
==========
Date:         Tue, 22 Jun 1993 14:49:53 BST
From:         Paul Heraty - CAD <Paul.Heraty@ANALOG.COM>
Subject:      Application to live in West Virginia

^?                   APPLICATION TO LIVE IN West Virginia
^?^?^?^?^?
Name:____________           Nickname:____________           CB
handle:_____________
Address (RFD No.):_______________________
Daddy (if unknown, attach list of three suspects):_________________________
Mama:_______________     Neck Shade:  () Light Red   () Medium Red   ()
Dark RedNumber of teeth exposed in full grin:  upper_____    lower_____
Name of pickup owned:_______________________     height of
truck:_______________Truck equipped with:
  () gun rack     () 4-wheel drive    () confederate flag   () toothpick holder
  () 8-track      () load of wood     () hijacker shocks    () mud grip tires
  () fuzz buster  () mag wheels       () dual CB antenna    () racoon hide
  () spittoon     () camper top       () air horns          () big dog
Number of empty beer cans on floor of pickup:______
Bumper stickers: () Eat More Possum    () Honk If You Love Jesus
                  () Wave If You're Horny     () Red Man Chewing Tobacco
Define the following (must get 90% correct):
 1. grits   5. muscadine   9. cobbler   13. soppin syrup   17. chitlins
 2. tater   6. sidemeat   10. fatback   14. redeye gravy   18. mountain oysters
 3. tote    7. pig skins  11. collards  15. pinto beans    19. turnip salit
 4. poke    8. goobers    12. crackers  16. sawmill gravy  20. shit on a
shingleFavorite vocalist:
  () Donna Fargo    () Conway Twitty   () Loretta Lynn     () Hank Williams
  () Elvis          () Johnny Cash     () Tammy Wynette    () Slim Whitman
  () George Jones   () Boxcar Willie   () Porter Wagoner   () Willie Nelson
Favorite recreation:
  () squar dancin   () possum huntin   () skinny dippin    () drankin
  () craw daddin    () gospel singin   () 4-wheelin        () bull chip throwin
  () spittin backy  () blue grass conventions              () other
Cap Emblem:
  () John Deere     () CAT     () McCulloch Chain Saws   () Budweiser
  () NAPA           () Coors   () Toro
Memberships:
  () KKK   () NRA   () Moose   () PTL Club   () VFW   () Bassmasters
  () American Legion           () United Sons/Daughters of Confederacy
Weapons owned:
  () deer rifle      () bird gun    () log chain     () power chain saw
  () varmint rifle   () tire iron   () pick handle   () sawed-off shotgun
Number of hound dogs:______  Type: () Blue Tick     () Black & Tan     ()
BeagleNumber of weeks unemployed:_______     Number of welfare checks
received:_______Number of dependents (legal):_____    (claimed):_____
Length of right leg:_________  Length of left leg:________
Does your truck have some part painted the official state color, Primer
Red?____How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front
yard?_____
How many kitchen appliances (working or not) do you have on your front
porch?___Will you be part of the West Virginia intelligensia with an IQ greater
than 65?_Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with snags?_____
Do you own any shoes?_____  If so, how many?______  How many matched
pairs?_____What year did you last purchase shoes?_______
Are you married to any of the following:
  () Sister  () Cousin  () Sow  () Ewe  () Other    Do you know her
name?_______Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?_____
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every
time?___________________Do you know any words that have more than 4
letters?_____ (if yes, attach list)
Can you count:
  1) past 10 with your shoes on?_____     2) to 21 with your fly up?_____
Medical information:
    Do you have at least 2 of the following? () BO   () Crabs   () Head Lice
                 () Scabies   () Trench Mouth   () Runny Nose   () Bad Breath
    Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?_____
    Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week?_____
~


PH
==========
Date:         Tue, 22 Jun 1993 08:30:30 MDT
From:         Ron Hehn <aiafrrh@MSU.OSCS.MONTANA.EDU>
Subject:      Latin - fish, etc. humor  rating PG

----- Begin message from MX%"FLYFISH@UMAB.BITNET"  22-Jun-93

From:   MX%"FLYFISH@UMAB.BITNET"    22-JUN-1993 07:57
Subj:   carp take flies occasionally

This was forwarded from the FLYFISH DIGEST

Return-Path: <FLYFISH@UMAB.BITNET>
From: "John M. Danskin" <jmd@CS.PRINCETON.EDU>
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: Carpe Diem (and other carps)
Date: Mon, 21 Jun 93 13:24:43 PDT

carpe diem........sieze the day
carpe deum........God is a fish
carpe carpe.......sieze the fish
carpe diva........sieze the diva
crape diem........bad day
carpe diem........complain daily
carpe per diem....sieze the check
carpe canem.......sieze the dog
carpe devo........sieze the record
carpe carpe carpe..bitch bitch bitch
crape callosun.....poop for brains
carnivore carpe....RUN!!
carpe calypso.....sieze the DAY-O
              or  sieze the dance
              or  sieze the boat
carpe Teva........sieze the sandal
carpe noctum......sieze the night
carpe horribilis..sieze the ugly bear

==
Here are some from "Latin for all occasions" by Henry Beard:

*  Hui! Tintinnuntius meus sonat!
   Darn! There goes my beeper!

*  Volo comparare nonnulla tegumembra.
   I'd like to buy some condoms.

*  Sentio nos in Kansate no iam adesse.
   I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

*  Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.
   Garbage in, garbage out.

      "No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware
         of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't
         either."
                        -Marvin Minsky

*  Ipso bombus aliquid significat.
   All this bumbling means something.

------- End of forwarded message -------
==========
Date:         Tue, 22 Jun 1993 10:34:43 -0400
From:         Richard <richard@ERICIR.SYR.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Latin - fish, etc. humor rating PG

Non carborundum illigitimum  (sorry about the spelling)

==========
Date:         Tue, 22 Jun 1993 13:46:28 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      American idioms

Idioms and dead metaphors are among my favorite forms of
humor.  Do you have any favorites to contribute?

Gimmick

At circuses and fairs during the 19th century a gimmick was a
hidden mechanical device used by magicians to aid them in the
performance of tricks. Nowadays a gimmick is any tricky method
of making a sales, or a business deal, often in the form of a
special inducement that is unusual.  The word is often used in
reverse meaning by those who have exposed the trick that was
meant to take them in: "The gimmick is ..."


Curry Favor

This phrase, which means to seek to ingratiate yourself with
someone by insincere flattery, or by doing small favors, is a
corruption of the original saying, which was to "curry Favel."
Favel was the name of a horse in a satirical 14th century
French play.  The horse symbolized evil, and the characters in
the play curried him in order to soothe him and ward off
trouble.


Give a Hoot

Hoot is a corruption or sound-alike for the word "iota," which
is the smallest and therefore the least consequential letter
in the Greek alphabet.  Learned people sometimes say, "I don't
give one iota."


Source: Carothers & Lacey's Slanguage.
==========
Date:         Tue, 22 Jun 1993 13:51:51 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Quayle joke <from a AI textbook>

Ms. Mancuso reported recently:

Last semester during a particularly boring class in Artificial
Intelligence, I began looking through the index of the textbook
(_Paradigms of Artificial Intelligence Programming_ by Peter
Norvig, copyright 1992 by Morgan Kaufmann Publishers).  In the Q
section, I came across this entry:

Quayle, Dan, 735

Completely mystified as to why Dan Quayle would be mentioned in my
AI text, I turned to page 735.  The topic on the page had to do
with auxiliary verbs (the chapter was on creating an English
grammar). Nowhere was Quayle's name mentioned on the page.
Figuring that the entry was a mistake or something, I started to
close the book when I noticed, about halfway down the page, three
sentences which were intended to illustrate the three "senses" of
the verb "be."  The three sentences were:

"He is a fool."
"He is a Republican."
"He is in Indiana."

Source: tmancuso@drunivac.drew.edu
==========
Date:         Tue, 22 Jun 1993 13:58:52 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Cute kid's story <it's a matter of perspective>

Used by permission of the author:
Date:         Fri, 4 Jun 1993 14:22:17 EDT
First-Hand Accounts <MEMOIR-L@LATECH.BITNET>
Cynthia Melcher <cmelcher@FSCVAX.FSC.MASS.EDU>

In the town I live in the kindergarten is housed in the high
school.  A friend had arranged to have someone who participates in
Revolutionary War (American Revolution, that is. . . sorry)
reinactments come talk to his daughter's kindergarten class.  The
principal of the high school asked the person to come talk to one
of the high school history teachers whose area of expertise
happened to be colonial America.  So into this classroom unannouced
walks this man in full minuteman gear, holding a musket etc. and he
and the teacher have this little conversation that becomes quite a
heated debate over who fired the first shot at Concord, blah, blah
blah.

When the man left a student said, "How could you argue with him?"
and the teacher responded that it was an argument but a scholarly
exchange of opinions, blah, blah, blah and the student said, "But
he was *there*! Don't you think you should believe *him*?"
------------------------------------------------------------ 18

HUMOR019
========
Date:         Tue, 22 Jun 1993 15:44:02 -0400
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
TKENNETTE@BENTLEY.EDU
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      Management Evaluation ....

This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
personal to various situations.

You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.

YOU SHOULD:

(A)     Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(B)     Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(C)     Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
==========
Date:         Tue, 22 Jun 1993 15:48:04 -0400
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
TKENNETTE@BENTLEY.EDU
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      Things to do when the system goes down

                    Things to do when the system goes down


o Complain about your salary.
o Complain about your manager and how you can do his/her job better
  than he/she can.
o Update your resume.
o Call Dial-A-Joke.
o Take a stress test given in any fitness magazine and discover that you
  checked "yes" to every question, and your cumulative score indicates an
  imminent breakdown.
o Call Dial-A-Prayer.
o Phone your technical support group and discover (again) the line is still
  busy.
o Do isometric exercises and hope no one sees you twitch.
o Water the plant on your desk that looks as though it has had a long
  lingering illness.
o Get your eighth cup of coffee.
o Clean out your desk, and remove all old, rotting chocolate chip cookies
  that are sitting next to your Adidas running shoes.
o Improve your New York Times crossword skills after stealing a dictionary
  from the department secretary.
o Find out all the neat toys you can make with paper clips.
o Reflect on the fact that major drug dealers never have to go through this,
  and that each owns a Mercedes Benz.  Consider a major career change.
o Investigate the cost of opening a fruit-and-vegetable stand on a good
  corner near your office.
o Do weight-lifting exercises using 5-lb. quality assurance manuals.
o Make paper airplanes out of the standards manual.
o Leave the office, and take a brisk walk in the sunshine.  Upon your
  return, discover that the system came up as soon as you left, but is now
  down again.
o Speculate freely on office romances and designate the recepients of the
  Mary Cunningham/William Agee award.
o Dive into the pyramid swamping your "IN" box, and uncover all of last years
  technical updates.
o Cast the Wizard of Oz using members of your department.  It should be easy
  find those without brains, without hearts and who need courage simply by
  examining the list of executive officers.
o Cast Snow White using members of your department.  There is usually a
  plethora of talent available for the role of Dopey, so compile a list
  of understudies.
o Compose a Fantasy Island script on career pathing in your firm, bearing
  in mind that there are some miracles even Mr.Roarke cannot perform.
o Consult your daily horoscope in the newspaper, and discover that new
  opportunities await.  Then call your local headhunter.
o Take your three-piece corduroy suit to the cleaners for it's yearly pressing
o Designate the weakest, wimpiest member of your department "Punk Hunk of
the
  Month", and invite the individual to put a safety pin throught his nose.
o Do the exercises in Tom Jackson's The Perfect Resume, listing all the
  accomplishments you could have done if the system were up.
==========
Date:         Tue, 22 Jun 1993 15:55:17 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

(SUGGESTIVE SUBJECT MATTER)



                      THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF


 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
    club and two balls.

 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
    keep the balls out.

 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.  Course
    owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

 5. Course owner reserves right to restrict the length of the club
    to avoid damage to the hole.

 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
    until the course is satisfied that play is complete.  Failure to
    do so may result in being denied the right to play the course
    again.

 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
    upon arrival at the course.  The experienced player will take
    time to admire the entire course, with special attention to the
    well-formed bunkers.

 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
    or are currently playing to the course owner.  Upset course
    owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this
    reason.

 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along for
    protection, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match is properly
    scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for
    the first time.  Previous players have been known to become
    irate if they discover someone else playing what they
    consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at
    all times.  Some players may be embarrassed if they find the
    course to be temporarily under repair.  Players are advised
    to be extremely tactful in this situation.  Most advanced
    players will find alternative means of play when this is
    the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission
    before attempting the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared
    to proceed at a quicker pace at the owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to
    play the course several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best
    player.


PLAYERS ARE ADVISED TO THINK TWICE BEFORE CONSIDERING
MEMBERSHIP
AT A GIVEN COURSE.  ADDITIONAL ASSESSMENTS MAY BE LEVIED
BY THE
COURSE OWNER AND THE RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE.  FOR
THIS
REASON, MANY PLAYERS PREFER TO CONTINUE TO PLAY SEVERAL
DIFFERENT COURSES.
==========
Date:         Tue, 22 Jun 1993 16:45:59 EDT
From:         Katie Phillips <KBPHIL@TSRV1.TS.WM.EDU>
Subject:      response to polish jokes

One day when the polock (sp?) jokes got out of hand, the one polish
person in the group asked the jokester if he knew how to speak
polish.  Upon replying no, she then asked him, "How does it feel to
be dummer than a polock?"


-Don't forget to smile
Katie Phillips


*********************************************
*                                           *
*  A hypocrite in someone who complains     *
*  about the sex and violence on their VCR. *
*                                           *
*  Katie Burnham                            *
*  kabur1@tsrv1.ts.wm.edu                   *
*********************************************
==========
Date:         Wed, 23 Jun 1993 07:36:03 SAT
From:         Mohammad Al-Harbi <STUC9FB@SAUPM00.BITNET>
Organization: King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals, S.A.
Subject:      Stupid Joke !!!

Hi all,
QUESTION:
  What is the difference between BOYS and GIRLS ?!

ANSWER:
  The word 'and' !!


==========
Date:         Wed, 23 Jun 1993 08:15:32 CDT
From:         BK Rogers <bkr@PPCO.COM>
Subject:      Famous People

Jeffery Dalmer, David Koresh, and Mike Tyson

The Butcher, The Baker, and The License Plate Maker

==========
Date:         Wed, 23 Jun 1993 09:12:47 EDT
From:         Daniel Pugh <DPUGH@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject:      If You Are Unhappy (Cuss Word Included)

IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY
__________________

Once upon a time, there was a confonforming
     sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he
     reluctantly started to fly south.  In a short time ice
began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in
     a barnyard, almost frozen.  A cow passed by and
crapped on the little sparrow.  The sparrow thought
     it was the end.  But, the manure warmed him and
defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy, able to
     breathe, he started to sing.  Just then a
large cat came by and hearing the chirping,
     investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the
     chirping bird and promptly ate him.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY

1.  Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2.  Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3.  And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
==========
Date:         Wed, 23 Jun 1993 08:41:39 MST
From:         APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU
Subject:      Movies (G)

From today's Calvin & Hobbes comic strip, by Bill Watterson:

Calvin:  "I watched an old movie with mom last night.
          It didn't have any violence, explosive action,
          or swearing.  There was nothing shocking about
          it at all."

Hobbes:  "Did you like it?"

Calvin:  "It's hard to say.  Not having my emotions
          manipulated is such a weird experience."

==========
Date:         Wed, 23 Jun 1993 11:25:48 -0500
From:         Brad Pardee <bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU>
Subject:      Train joke

If you go to the Amtrak station and you see a schedule for the Bubble Gum
Express, I think it's safe to say that it's probably a chew-chew train.

==========
Date:         Wed, 23 Jun 1993 12:31:51 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      greek community

how many bow-heads (soroity sisters) does it take to change
light bulb?

three;  one to change the bulb and two to make the T-shirt!
==========
Date:         Wed, 23 Jun 1993 12:38:27 EDT
From:         JENNA KING <JKING@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      G rated humor

Here's a little humor from my life today:

My office-mate and I were having a discussion about being the first born
in a family.  I was commenting how that meant I was always breaking ground
first to open the way for my brothers and sisters to follow;  breaking
ground in curfews, going on dates; going to high school, getting a car,
going to college, getting a first job.  My office-mate, someone who never
misses an opportunity to add "humor", remembered that I love to sail and added
"Breaking wind with the sailboat!  Oh, sorry, I mean breaking ground!"

Ha! Ha!
==========
Date:         Wed, 23 Jun 1993 14:22:42 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State
<POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Billary bumper stickers

        SLICK WILLIE - FIRST GENNIFER/NOW US

        TAX AND SPEND! DIFFERENT DEMOCRAT/SAME PLAN

        SMOKE DOPE, DODGE DRAFT, CHEAT WIFE, BECOME
        PRESIDENT THE NEW AMERICAN WAY!!!

        CLINTON'S 1040 EZ TAX PLAN:  JUST SEND IT ALL!!

        DEAR BILL, READ MY LIPS:  NO NEW TAXES!

        PRAY FOR GRIDLOCK!!

        IMPEACH HRC!

        DOWN THE SLIPPERY SLOPE WITH SLICK!

        IMPEACH HILLARY!

        IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT (AND MR. CLINTON TOO!)

        CLINOCCHIO: A PUPPET WITH A PROBLEM!

        CLINTON-GORE: GONE IN FOUR!

==========
Date:         Wed, 23 Jun 1993 15:44:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858"
<KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      Collection of offensive riddles (sex, ethnicity, etc.)

Why don't midgets use tampons?
They trip over the strings.

What did the blind man say as he walked by the fish market?
"Good afternoon, ladies."

When does a black man become a nigger?
When he leaves the room.

What's gray and comes in quarts?
An elephant.

What has a thousand teeth and eats weenies?
A zipper.

What do you get if you have a hundred idiots sitting around drinking diet
cola, eating fruit and singing?
The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.

What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar?
A flame thrower.

A fellow walks into a bar, looks around, goes up to the bartender and says,
"Gimme a Scotch and soda, and I'd like to buy a drink for for that
douche-bag at the end of the bar."  The barkeep answered, "Hey, don't talk
about her that way.  She's a regular here."  The guy says, "Okay, okay, I'd
like to buy a drink for that nice young lady down at the end of the bar."
"That's more like it," said the bartender, and he walks down to her and
asks her what she'd like.  "Vinegar and water, please," she replies.

Did you hear about the Polack who studied five days for a urine test?

A black man walked into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.  The
bartender asked, "Where the hell did you get that?"  "Africa," replied the
parrot.

What can you do with useed tampons?
Give them to vampires as tea bags.

What do soybeans and dildos have in common?
They're both meat substitutes.

What is the difference between chicken and meat?
If you beat your chicken, it will die.

How do you make paper dolls?
Screw an old bag.

Have you heard about the new Oriental cookbook?  A hundred and one ways to
wok your dog.

How do you cure a Jewish princess of nymphomania?
Marry her.

Have you heard about the new Ronald Reagan bucket they're selling at
Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Full of right wings and assholes.

How can you tell Dolly Parton's kids apart from their friends?
They're the ones with stretch marks on their lips.

What do you get when you cross an Iranian and a Mexican?
Oil of ole.

Where is an elephant's sex organ?
In his feet.  If he steps on you, you're fucked.

Did you hear about the gay burglar?
He couldn't blow the safe, so he went down on the elevator.

What sound does a horny toad make?
"Rub-it, rub-it..."

How do you keep a moron in suspense?
==========
Date:         Wed, 23 Jun 1993 16:47:00 -05
From:         Rosie Barger <RBARGER@IVY.BITNET>
Subject:      Seminars for Men

                      Memorandum

TO:    All Male Employees

FROM:  Human Resourses

DATE:  June 23, 1993

SUBJ:  Seminars for Men

Once again the female HR Staff will be offering courses to men of any
marital status.  PLEASE NOTE: The names of some courses have been
changed since last offered.  ALso, attendance in at least 10 of the
following courses has been determined to be mandatory.

1.  Combatting Stupidity
2.  You Can Too Do Housework
3.  PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4.  How to Fill an Ice Tray
5.  How to Give Money for Christmans in Lieu of Sleazy Underthings.
6.  Understanding the Female Responses to your coming in drunk at 3
am.7.  Wonderful Laundry Techniqu4s (Formally "Don't wash my silks 101)
8.  Parenting - It does not end with conception
9.  How not to act like an ass when you're obviously wrong.
10. Get a life - Learning to cook
11. Spelling - even you can get it right
12. 101 reasons not to fluff the covers after passing gas
13. How to accept not looking like Mel Gibson - Especially when
    naked
14. How to stay awake after sex.
15. Why it's unacceptable to relieve yourself in areas other than a
    washroom.
16. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb
17  You can fall asleep with it if you concentrate
18  How to dress yourself without help
19. How to put the toilet seat down without reminders
20. Give us a break - Why women know your excuses are B.S.
21. Why the week end and sports are not synonymous
22. How to go shopping with your wife without getting lost
23. Remote Controls - Overcoming your dependency
24. Romanticism -- Other ideas beside sex
25. Helpful posture hints for couch potatoes
26. Changing your underwear -- It really can work
27. How not to act younger than your children
==========
Date:         Wed, 23 Jun 1993 19:41:21 EDT
From:         WILDSTANG <F157@FERRIS.BITNET>
Subject:      sick humor

Q:  Why do tampons have strings?

A:  So the crabs can bungi

==========
Date:         Wed, 23 Jun 1993 17:02:31 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  1.L     A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago,
              big

******************************************************************
*************

STAR TREK V:  THE SEARCH FOR SANITY

First off, Kirk had decided to go back to ancient Bedrock to get his
water buffalos, since these were a heartier breed than those found in
1989.  He finds his two and heads Back to the Future.

Meanwhile, the Royal Order of Water Buffalo, outraged at these
futuristic buffalo thieves, send Fred, Barney, Wilma, Betty, Pebbles,
Bam-Bam, Dino, and Hoppy out into space in a sleeper ship (they climb
into turtlesaurus shells), since they hadn't perfected time travel
yet. The ship is floating passed the Genesis planet when the
Enterprise, in the act of self-destructing, bumps into it and sends it
of course.  (Go back and watch ST III.  You'll notice, as the
Enterprise begins its fall towards the planet, a vague,
dinosaur-shaped craft richocheting off the hull.  The stranded
castaways get LOST IN SPACE for about two years, then crash onto
Ceti-Alpha V, where Ceti eels kill Wilma and Betty.

Outraged, our two heroes, Fred and Barney, rebuild their damaged craft
into a Starshipasaurus, and head out into space, looking for the
Starship that caused the death of their wives.  In space, they
encounter the new Enterprise, just leaving after delivering the
buffalos to the Kelvins.  Unbeknownst to our brave Capt. Kirk, the
Kelvins' home planet has just been destroyed because the damn buffalos
didn't know that cosmic secret handshake.  Their leader, determined to
chase Kirk round the moons of Antares, heads off after the Enterprise
in their new DeathAndDestrction Star.

Now, the action begins.  The Enterprise fights a serious battle with
the spaceshipasaurus, and eventually wins, although the battle took
its toll on the Enterprise.  As the spaceshipasaurus explodes, we see
an escape pod go spiraling off into deep space, with a crippled Fred
at the helm.  He has to fashion a set of black body armor to survive
his wounds.  Meanwhile, the DeathAndDestruction Star drops out of
hyperspace and looms overhead.  The laser cannon starts to glow.
All seems bad for the Enterprise crew, when who should come flying
over the bow of the Enterprise, towards the DeathAndDestruction Star?
You guessed it.  George Jetson, in the Centurian SpacelyFighter.  He
flies down the Star's main corridor, and a shot of Spacely
Sprocket-Torpedoes turns the Kelvin's evil machine into cosmic powder.

Ah, but Kirk feels bad that he gave the Kelvin's some bum buffalos.
He's caused the destruction of their planet.  But, lo and behold.  It
seems that their were TWO Genesis torpedoes.  One was beamed down to
Regula. However, David Marcus was afraid that that at least one would be
destroyed.  So, using a technique that would make his father proud, he
had closed his eyes, spun the coordinates dial of the transporter, and
randomly beamed the other to a place unknown.  He memorized the
coordinates for later retreival.  Unfortunately, he died before being
able to disclose them.  Which is too bad, since he had accidentally
discovered the coordinates for beaming through time.  Yup, the torpedo
had materialized in the Bedrock Buffalo Institute, where  Pat and
Vanna (remember them?) had found it.  Pat, thinking it a brontosaurus
burger, ate it.  Thus, when the Kelvin's planet had been destroyed,
the torpedo exploded, causing the planet, the people, and the water
buffaloes to be reborn.  By a fluke of the transporter, the
protomatter problem had been fixed, so all are stable.  Even the
spaceshipasaurus is regenerated, with all on board alive.  The crew
decide to go off and colonize a planet.  George Jetson, who was
actually from the 21st century, but was caught in a freakish accident
that froze his life supportsystems, and returned him to Earth 200 years
later, takes a liking to Wilma, who reminds him of his late departed
Jane.  Wilma, thinking that Fred must be dead, accepts George's
proposal, and all go on to have a gay old time.
Except Dark Fred, who, unknowing of his modern prehistoric family's
new birth, is off in space, plotting revenge against Captain James T. Kirk.

Coming Soon:  Star Trek VI:  The Fury of Fred
              directed by Magilla Gorilla

If you liked the movie, you'll love the novelization, penned by noted
SF author Boo-Boo Bear.

******************************************************************
*************

To cross-country skiers, grunvaarstooklas says it all
        by Colin McEnroe who writes for the Harford, CT

        Having taken up cross-country skiing a full month ago, I am now
one of the leading authorities on the subject and recently skied nearly 18
yards without falling over - an incredible feat for a novice when you
consider that the world record is - what? - 23, 24 yards?
        Anyway, I believe that record was set by a Norwegian, and those
guys are practically born on skis.
        Although crude drawings of primitive northern Asiatic peoples show
them practicing a sport in which live weasels were strapped to their feet,
cross-country skiing as we know it evolved in northern Scandinavia and
Greenland, two environments ideally suited to the sport because there is
not one single other blessed thing to do there.
        Even today, Scandinavians frequently congregate by the thousands
for great cross-country skiing festivals called "grunvaarstooklas," an
untranslatable word embracing the concepts "severe frostbite" and "a
withering of body parts."
        If you are wondering whether cross-country skiing is something you
would like, take this short personality test.
        1.  My idea of a good time is:
             a:  Dinner and a movie.
             b:  Dynamiting a fish.
             c:  Crashing headlong through 3 inches of rock-hard snow crust
and coming to rest in sub-arctic powder with my face mashed up against a dead
lemming.
        2.  The problem with most winter sports is that:
             a:  They are controlled by Martians.
             b:  I am controlled by Martians.
             c:  They are not cold and frightening enough.
        3.  When I die, I want to:
             a:  Go quick.
             b:  Take Andy Rooney with me.
             c:  Be impaled on a fiberglass ski pole.
        If you answered "c" to all three questions, you should either take
up cross-country skiing or see if John Hinckley needs a roommate.
        One frequently asked question is:  How many scorpions are molten
in the dungarees?  But that question is asked by people who are not making
sense and are not the least bit concerned with cross-country skiing.
        A more relevant question has to do with selecting the right size ski.
The way to measure is to stand flatfooted in the store and hold your arms
straight over your head.  This will allow the store personnel to extract
your wallet and remove such money as they need.
        You are almost ready to begin, but first you must wax your skis.
Dedicated cross-country skiers generally arise at 6 a.m. and begin waxing
so they will have the shank of the late afternoon for actual skiing.
        There are about 11 different kinds of wax, each suited for a
certain type of snow.  To aid you in choosing a wax, there are incomprehensible
charts, loosely translated from Finnish.  Example:  "Snow is clumping vhen
you strike it mit penguin bone, ja?  Blue vax is best."
        The key to good skiing techniques is to treat the skis as extensions
of your feet, so that skiing is just like walking would be if you had
7-foot-long mutant unbreakable toenails.
        Then it's simply a matter of getting into the rhythm:  step, push,
glide, fall, scream, grovel, get up.  Step, push, glide...(Note:  Generally,
it's a good idea to start your scream before you actually crash to the
ground because ice crystals frequently embed themselves in your respiratory
system and make screaming difficult.)
        Cross-country skiing is a great way to burn up calories.  Just gettin
 up from one fall can frequently burn up the equivalent of a butt steak
drenched in mushroom gravy, particularly if one of your skis is trapped under,
simultaneously, your other ski, a frozen tree root and a disabled snowmobile.
        Fear stimulates the metabolism, too, so figure an extra 1,000 calories
for every vicious wild animal that comes sniffing around you while you are
in this helpless state.
        Certainly the ultimate satisfaction for every cross-country skier is
that moment when he struggles back to his feet and realizes that the other
skiers have gone on without him and that he is alone, in the woods, miles
from civilization, strapped to equipment he does not understand, with little
giblets of refrozen snow adhering to every inch of his body.
        If that's not "grunvaarstooklas," I'd like to know what is.

******************************************************************
*************

[The following text was generated by a computer.  The precise manner
in which it was generated is obscure, but relates to lexical analysis
and markov chains and a program called "markov3" posted to the usenet
network.

This program was fed an entire book, a book by a certain Tibetan
spiritual author whose work we happened to have on-line and available.
The program than chewed over this book for an hour or two and
regurgitated this, some of it highly amusing.

To make it even more amusing, a human editor has pruned out the
blatantly nonsenical and uninteresting parts, leaving only the jewels
of computer-generated wisdom for your enjoyment. Since the editor only
scanned 1% of the generated output, many more pearls are available.
    -- The editor]

          AUTOMATED ZEN

"There are numerous sidetracks which lead to birth."

"There are many things for us because we
 are not really transcendental at all."

"The yidams allow you to stop caring altogether."

"When fruit is ripe, it automatically falls away."

"When we awaken, we refuse to see its simplicity, the rugged quality of the
Buddha within oneself."

"If we really let go of one's imagination and dream, then, equally, one
is holding a lump of rock."

"The emotions play the role of cold icy water, you accept it."

"That is the true meaning of "the meeting of the illness in your
sacred books.""

"The problem lies in the sense of humor. It is a description of an
enlightened being" -- because he feels dejected, helpless, and so on."

"If you want to run away from temptation, we become vegetarians."

"There is an accumulation of a second."

"They are dancing around us and the dark, the good side, in
 order to comfort us. "

"Patience also feels space."

"Every texture we perceive has some spiritual implication automatically,
and we attempt to anchor ourselves to the "promised land.""

"Vajra is the interesting point. I think it will work."

"Imagine if we proceed further and examine the Buddhist path from
beginning to end, from the other direction as well."

"You realize that openness is complete peace in all directions, so
that pleasure is regarded as knowledge."

******************************************************************
*************

"Attempting to rob a bank, Gerald Rodgers handed a teller a note in which he
treatened to blow up the bank with a bum.  The bum, said the note would 'go of
whenever I won't it too, and I won't hesitate to kill anybody starting with you
first.'  The note warned bank personnel against using 'markt money ...
exsplosive
rubber bands' and further directed, 'And you get of out thing alive.  And
whenever I leave act like nothing happen or eles.'  Rodgers got away with
$4550 - temporarily.  It seems he had scribbled the note on one of his mother's
checks, from which he's cleverly scratched out her name but left her account
number."

******************************************************************
*************

From the 9 Feb. '87 New Yorker:

CONSTABULARY NOTES FROM ALL OVER [from the Arcata (Calif.)
Union]

Tiffany's ice cream parlor alerted police to a person defacing the statue of
William McKinley on the Arcata Plaza.  Police apprehended a suspect and
released him with a warning not to stick cheese in McKinley's ears and nose
anymore.

******************************************************************
*************

I recently opened a fortune cookie and found the following fortune:

"New encounters could change the course of your file."

Is this a spelling error, or the start of a new wave of fortune cookies aimed
at Computer Scientists?

******************************************************************
*************

     Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
                                Janet Long
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 09:43:42 +0100
From:         Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK>
Subject:      Siminars for women

In reply to Amy's post. Funny she posted the male version :-)


Pete.

                        SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

1.) Changing your man (formerly called Playing with FIRE!)
2.) Communication Techniques: Experimentation in NON "ESP" related
discussions
3.) The PMS Myth: Acting civil in today's world.
4.) Packing for a trip (formerly called We're only staying the WEEKEND!)
5.) How to tell my guy what I want:
         A Comprehensive Study in Communications Skills.
6.) GUY's Night Out (formerly called My guy's gonna kill me if I don't leave
                     him alone!)
7.) How to park a car. (formerly two classes 1. Parallel Parking 101
                        2. Never follow shoppers down an aisle)
8.) Financial Accounting: How to spend your money ONLY once.
9.) Living with the N.F.L. (formerly called My New Sunday Hobby)
10.) How to understand points of view other than your own.
11.) Women: Where they are, and where they should be.
12.) Things that last MORE than 4 days.
13.) How to fluff your Master's pillow and sing him to sleep AFTER sex.
14.) Living as a female, in light of OBVIOUS male advantages.
15.) NO! The oil light is NOT just an annoyance while driving!
16.) SEX is NOT a weapon!
17.) How to LOOK behind you AND sit down on the toilet AT THE SAME
TIME!
18.) The best methods for fetching beer and getting lost.
19.) How to go shopping and ONLY get what you went in for.
20.) Ordering in a restaurant: How to pick items OTHER than the MOST
Expensive.
21.) Baby Talk: How to eliminate this manipulative method of communication
22.) Self Confidence 101: You're not FAT!
23.) Self Confidence 102: Hoe toget along with a woman prettier than yourself.
24.) Getting ready for a night out. (formerly We like you the way you ARE!)
25.) What do MEN love most about women and how to enhance these qualities.
26.) What do MEN love most about women...LAB class
          (formerly called the joys of front closing bras, no underwear, etc.)
27.) Swearing properly and what it can fucking mean.
28.) Farting for effect.
29.) WHAT DID YOU SAY?
30.) Women's Lib.: What does it mean to me?
31.) I don't care WHAT Mr. Jones got for his wife!
             (formerly called Original Thinking 101)
32.) Jealousy 101: A study in lookign the other way when your guy
EYEBALLS
                   another woman.
33.) Self Directed Study 101: Being the perfect woman for a man.
34.) Self Directed Study 102: How to please a man.
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 09:36:50 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      political and clean

q: Do you know how to get a small business going in under the
   Clinton Admin?

a:  Start with a BIG one.



      Don't blame me I voted for Perot.
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 09:16:42 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      2 LETTERS & A CALORIE CHART

                      PERSPECTIVE (Author Unknown)


Dear Mother and Dad:

Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for
my thoughtlessness in not having written before.  I will bring you up to
date now, but before you read on, please sit down.  You are not to read
any further unless you are sitting down.  Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now.  The skull fracture and
the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory
when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well
healed now.  I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can
see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory, and my jump, were witnessed
by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one
who called the fire department and the ambulance.  He also visited
me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the
burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his
apartment with him.  It's really a basement room, but it's kind of
cute.  He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and
are planning to get married.  We haven't got the exact date yet,
but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant.  I know how much you are looking
forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby
and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me
when I was a child.  The reason for the delay in our marriage is
that my boy friend has a minor infection which prevents us from
passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it
from him.

I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind and, although not well-educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know
your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered
by that.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that
there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull
fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not
engaged, I am not infected, and there is no boy friend in my life.
However, I am getting a D in History and an F in Science and I want
you to see those marks in their proper perspective.


******************************************************************
****
******************************************************************
****


Dear Friend:

This letter was started by a woman like yourself in the hopes of
bringing relief to other tired and discontented women.  Unlike most
chain letters, this one does not cost anything.  Just send a copy of
this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and
discontented.  Then, bundle up your husband or boy friend and send
him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list and add
your name at the bottom.

When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,374
men, and some of them are bound to be a hell of a lot better than the
one you already have!

DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN...one woman did and got her own S.O.B. back.

At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men.
They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36 hours
to get the smile off her face.

We're counting on you.

                                A Liberated Woman

******************************************************************
*******
******************************************************************
*******

                   DAILY EXERCISE FOR THE NON-ATHLETIC

A recent medical association report stated that "proper weight control
and physical fitness cannot be attained by dieting alone.  Many people
who are engaged in sedentary occupations do not realize that calories
can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities
that do not require physical exercise."  Here is a guide to
calorie-burning activities that can be conducted right in your work
place, as well as the number of calories per hour they consume.

ACTIVITY                                             CALORIES CONSUMED
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Beating around the bush.............................................60
Jumping to conclusions..............................................75
Climbing the walls.................................................150
Swallowing your pride...............................................20
Passing the buck....................................................50
Throwing your weight around..................................100 - 400
Pushing your luck..................................................100
Making mountains out of molehills..................................600
Wading through paperwork...........................................100
Juggling deadlines.................................................120
Balancing the books.................................................60
Running around in circles..........................................250
Bending over backwards..............................................50
Opening a can of worms..............................................60
Tooting your own horn..............................................100
Reinventing the wheel..............................................150
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 09:41:18 EDT
From:         Daniel Pugh <DPUGH@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject:      Polish Sex Quiz (Adult Content)

THE OFFICIAL POLISH SEX QUIZ

____________________________

Study each question carefully.  Then, choose the answer that seems most correct
(True or False) and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name) under the
appropriate heading on the right side.

                                                              TRUE   FALSE
1.  A clitoris is a type of flower.                         |______|______|
2.  Pubic hair is a wild rabbit.                            |______|______|
3.  "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.                      |______|______|
4.  Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.|______|______|
5.  Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.                   |______|______|
6.  A G-string is part of a violin.                         |______|______|
7.  Semen is another word for "sailor".                     |______|______|
8.  Anus is the Latin word for "yearly".                    |______|______|
9.  Testicles are found on an octopus.                      |______|______|
10. Asphalt dexcribes rectal troubles.                      |______|______|
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.                 |______|______|
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.               |______|______|
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.                         |______|______|
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke".                     |______|______|
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.               |______|______|
16. A condom is an apartment complex.                       |______|______|
17. An organism is the person who accompanies the chior     |      |      |
    in church.                                              |______|______|
18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry.                    |______|______|
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.                   |______|______|
20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new     |      |      |
    government officials.                                   |______|______|
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.             |______|______|
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.         |______|______|
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums.    |______|______|
24. Genetals are people of non-Jewish origins.              |______|______|
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve"                 |______|______|
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend.             |______|______|
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.         |______|______|
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 10:02:09 EDT
Comments:     Converted from PROFS to RFC822 format by PUMP V2.2X
From:         MPW01@ALBNYDH2.BITNET
Subject:      Strange Bedfellows Indeed!

A real story in today's local news:

The latest on Joey Buttafuoco's comedic debut: Forget about it. The Joe won't
go on. Buttafuoco's legal problems put the kibosh on his planned July 10 pay-
per-view performance with raunchy comedian Andrew "Dice" Clay...
Buttafuoco...is facing statutory rape charges for his alleged affair with an
underage Amy Fisher, the teen who claims she shot Buttafuoco's wife to clear
the way for her relationship with Joey. Buttafuoco has denied any involvement
with Fisher, who is serving five to 15 years...
Word of the pairing first came Tuesday from Clay, who announced he'd found a
kindred spirit in Buttafuoco. The aptly named show: "Andrew Dice Clay:
No Apologies!"

one big punch line, in my opinion
have a good one-----Miguel
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 10:50:03 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU>
Subject:      A few DEEP THOUGHTS

                       * DEEP THOUGHTS *  by Jack Handey

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses
should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your
elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then
I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it
with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would
probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw
fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."
   He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty
good joke.
   I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call
the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
"That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for
a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably
be able to get a lot of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel
it.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said
something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started
laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's
right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."    Then
everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the
soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always
end
up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.
   For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that
your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the
moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might
call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think
again, bat man."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any
toys. But this one little boy had gotten anold enema bag and filled it with
rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with
it. Man, I think my heart almost broke.
   Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I
reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the
enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula
AND
Superman away.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall
under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and
we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant
teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came
up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea
to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a
coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's
throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus,
and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN
HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child
look
like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make
people
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person
comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that
says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet
you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is
that thing?

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made
a
woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll
be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive
and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees
there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat
some
stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave
you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God
is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him
is "Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is
not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -
just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked
dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's
Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
wouldn't
be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up
in
town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
we
could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and
how
I named him Flint.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then
it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
all
go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It
wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or
Manet,
I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again,
louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and people
would go, :Who the fuck is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself, maybe pull
out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress him (but not to show
off).
   Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes he'd kill a guy, then paint a
clown face on his face. Nobody said he had to do that, but he did it anyway.
So, dirty work.

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got
Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."

Blow ye winds,
Like the trumpet blows;
But without that noise.

I don't guess I've ever been as scared as when I was waiting in the
principal's office. Finally he came in and sat down. He didn't say anything,
he just looked at me. Then he pulled a copy of Playboy out. "Is this yours?"
he said.
   "No," I said, "is this yours?" And I pulled out my penis.
   I guess I wasn't as scared as I thought.

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist.
When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody.
That Alien!

Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that
rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might be said
that rules have become the foot-long sticks of mankind.

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he
does,
because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech
improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech
improvement." I think this makes him feel better.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that
Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't
seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a
doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited,
and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor,
and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the
next pitch clean over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky swing.

I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend
the time required to really fix up my "pad".

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you
walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you
can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since
he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and
the interchangeable parts.

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the
storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think
a good name for him would be Carl.

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to
be a better way.

I think man invented the car by instinct.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and
lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
   No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the
human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you
kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity,
as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I
don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say,
"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell
sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a
hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that
chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
   Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.

I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big
for Daddy."

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the
program!

I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the
movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and
running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy
would say, :Hey, let's put him in the movie."

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked
me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots."
   "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots
would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!"
   They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.

I can still recall old Mr. Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a
fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and
round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out,
"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!"
   We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
paneling.

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the
earth, and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, as
if you're going to fall in.

One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy
Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?"

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a
poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet
and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him
about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why
it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road
in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires
popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it
bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.

Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of
cannibals.

In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still
others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as
screw-boys.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for
about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and
start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd
say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd
say, "Well, that was easy."
   Good joke, huh.

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That
way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him.
   How about it, science?

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which
you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you
find
a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you
stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take
off!
   Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is
capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as
you might think.

The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjects together
outside his balcony. :Who would teach me anger?" he said.
   "Fuck you!" somebody yelled.
   "Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince.

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do
this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the
fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell,
"Log o' fire! Log o' fire!"
   I've never done this, but I think it'd work.

As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too
tight, as it turned out.
   "This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said the sergeant as he
outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.

I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetary, they
found fragments of *human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these people,
anyway?

I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe
in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of
shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's about five
hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like "I...AM...GOD!" He can
blow up stuff just by looking at it.
   This is my own, personal idea of God.

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand.
   Come on, Marta. Grow up.

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy
sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is
everybody ready to start now?"

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called
the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell
everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me
he's
just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone,
and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five
minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out.
   Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of
town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard
and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but
he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the
volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day.
   It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out.
Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to
collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke
his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels",
because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go,
"What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the
Prince of Weasels."

As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henri tought
back to the torture he had received ten minutes ago. "Ah, air conditioning",
he thought as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip marks on his legs,
chest, and groinal area.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most
of
these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from
invasion by another group."
   "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.
   Girls are funny.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered
an enemy planet.

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I
got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When
no
one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel
that way.

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be
carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other.
I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teen-ager, I stole a car and
drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I
just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress."
   Boy, did I have a lot to learn.

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no
other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out
there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or
factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I
have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's
lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a
fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't
hypnotize you.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I
forgot to put on my pants.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never
known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and
bitter.
   Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut
it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open,
and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person,
because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a
Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that.

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car
parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKS
LIKE A FART in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish
thing to do. She said, "Well, maybe," Man, whose side is she on, anyway?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with
my
"fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a big new rubber manta-ray
helmet. I can't help wondering: Do women want to talk to me for myself, or do
they just want to get a feel of that nice rubber manta skin?

It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple
as wild dogs.

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against
him
and called him a fruit.
   Man, I hate land like that.

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a
big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get
the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your
balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big
Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought
it
was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it,
like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you . . .

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we
can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary
Skeletons.

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a
chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy!
I'm going insane again.

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you
should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's
what I hated about him.

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls
and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing
around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large
blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone
asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and
pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've
hidden it.
   Good magic trick, huh?

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk
around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is
probably a joke that gets old real fast.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the
professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you
figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in
Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help,"
she could do it.

When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up
high behind you to keep people from following too close.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to
speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round,
because then when you were eating it, it'd be fun to make chew marks in the
shape of continents.

I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just
a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.

I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they
want to know?

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and
catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway;
that's my point.


Dawn M. Shotts
dawns@novavax.nova.edu
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 11:42:00 EST
From:         Paul Brucker <BRUCKEPJ@SNYCENVA.BITNET>
Subject:      Elephant Humor (R)

  What do elephants use as tampons?

  Sheep
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 12:49:16 CDT
From:         Martin Ignazito <AXC1525@UICVMC.BITNET>
Subject:      Sexual, but clean language.

 A man phones a doctors office and insists that he needs to speak to the
 doctor. When the doctor gets on the line the man says that he has a sexual
 dysfunction problem and needs some medical advice. The doctor asks for a
 description of the man's symptoms. The man says that it is very difficult
 to describe and that perhaps they should come into the doctors office,
 perform the act there while the doctor observes and then the doctor can
 make an evaluation and recommendation. The doctor reluctantly agrees
 and makes an appointment for the couple. On the day of the appointment the
 couple arrives and performs the sex act while the doctor observes. The doctor
 admits that he can not see anything that leads him to believe that there is
 anything wrong and that he does not think he can help. The man suggests
 that another appointment might help to which the doctor reluctantly agrees.
 After the fourth appointment the doctor takes the man aside and explains that
 he still can't see anything wrong, has no recommendations and suggest that the
 man and his wife might try seeing a sex therapist. "That's not my wife" says
 the man. "Not your wife, well who is she" asks the doctor. "She's my girl
 friend" says the man. "Why in heavens name have you been coming to me"
 gasps the doctor. "It's a matter of economics" says the man, "you charge
 $35, Blue cross reimburses me for $28 of that leaving $7 that I pay. The
 Holiday Inn charges $65.

 I couldn't recall if I had posted this before or not, but I like this one.

 Marty I.

 (Bitnet) axc1525@uicvmc.bitnet   (Internet) m-ignazito@uiuc.edu
 Fax 217-333-4294  Home 217-348-1525  Office 217-244-7784
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 14:06:03 -0400
From:         Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject:      Sex Change Operation

Surgery to remove an appendix: appendectomy

Surgery to remove a uterus: hysterectomy

Surgery to change a woman to a man: addadicktomy
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 14:30:56 EDT
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center
<ADKO@NMUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Bell Ringers and Indians (safe)

First -- a quest.  For a series of jokes I heard a few years back
about bell ringers.  The only one I can barely remember is about
a man with no arms who applied for a bell ringer's job at a local
church.  Because he couldn't pull the rope to ring the bell he
ran face first into it, slid down the bell and dropped 20 stories
to the concrete below.  "Who is that guy?" remarked some innocent
bystanders, looking at the flattened corpse.  "I don't know," said
one, "but his face sure rings a bell."

There are other similar jokes (some with Quasimodo and/or his
brother).  Can anyone help me out?

Another short but sweet (and pretty much clean!) one!

A pretty lady walks by an old Indian Chief sitting in a park and
as she passes he holds up his right hand and says in a deep
Indian-like voice "Chance!"  She didn't know what this meant
so she continued on her way.  About an hour later she was
returning through the same park and again she came across the
Indian.  He held up his right hand and again said "Chance!"
She said "Now wait a minute.  I thought you were supposed to
say "HOW!"?  And the chief replied, "Me know how.  Me just need
chance!"

Kathleen Olivier
ADKO@NMUMUS
***********************************
* My sense of humor may be warped *
* But at least I've got one!      *
***********************************
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 14:43:48 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      NO ARMS AND NO LEGS STUFF

WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS IN A
SWIMMING POOL?

BOB!

==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 19:33:13 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      medical; company slogan

A prominent British politician, not universally popular, has just
had a non-fatal heart attack while on holiday in Venice.
If any HUMORists out there could offer any acerbic witty remarks
relevant to the situation, I'd love to hear them.

I could only think of: "Never mind Michael: tuck into this nice sandwich
of eggs and bacon fried in butter; you'll soon feel better".


In this vein, a cynic I know greets news of illnesses of people
he doesn't see eye to eye with with the line:
"Oh I hadn't heard: nothing trivial I hope?"
............................................................................

Slogan on a truck owned by Her Majesty's Stationery Office (HMSO) in GB:-

  "Stationery on the Move"
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 14:51:00 EDT
From:         "Michael B. Smith" <MBS116@PSUVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Sans Legs/Arms R & X rated

What do you call a spanish woman with no legs.
   Conswallo (sp?)
What do you call 2 men with no a&l on both sides of a window
   Curt an' Rod.
"....." in the bottom of a pile of leaves
   Russell
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 13:45:45 CDT
From:         BK Rogers <bkr@PPCO.COM>
Subject:      Quad jokes

What do you call a quad hanging on the wall?

Art


What do you call a quad outside your door?

Matt


What do you call a quad playing baseball?

3rd base


What do you call two quads hanging in the window?

Curt and Rod





 BK Rogers                  Phillips Petroleum Company
 (918) 661-1986             Bartlesville, OK  74004
 Internet bkr@ppco.com      Compuserv 75140,2366

Another fine product from Gizmonic....
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 13:29:35 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      QUAD JOKES

What do you call a quad...
...on a grill?  Frank
...his girlfriend?  Patty
...on a piece of paper?  Mark
...in a hole?  Phil
...hanging on a wall?  Art
...hiding in leaves?  Russell
...in a swimming pool?  Bob
...being tossed across a swimming pool?  Skip
...outside you door?  Matt
...playing baseball?  Third Base

What do you call two quads hanging around a window?
Curt and Rod
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 16:01:07 EDT
From:         "John R. Stephens, Jr." <JSTEPHEN@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: Sex Change Operation

On Thu, 24 Jun 1993 14:06:03 -0400 Sharon Rondeau said:
>Surgery to remove an appendix: appendectomy    (REST DELETED)
>
reminds me of a variation from grade school.......

What is the operation to remove a growth from the intestine?  appendectomy

What is the operation to remove a growth from the throat?  Tonsillectomy

What is the operation called to remove a growth from the head?  Haircut

==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 16:10:05 EDT
From:         "John R. Stephens, Jr." <JSTEPHEN@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: Bell Ringers and Indians (safe)

On Thu, 24 Jun 1993 14:30:56 EDT ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer
Center said
>A pretty lady walks by an old Indian Chief sitting in a park and
      another reminder of a joke from grade school

Back east guy is visiting the west.  An Old Indian Chief was pointed out as
having a tremendous memory.  Didn't forget anything,   So the guy from back
east goes over to the Chief and asks "What did you have for breakfast
on June 23, 1952?"   The Chief thinks a minute, and answers "Eggs!"  The guy
from back east doesn't think much of the answer, after all many people eat eggs
for breakfast.  Time passes, several years later the guy from back east is back
in town.  He does not recognize the old Chief....walks past him on the street.
In an effort to be friendly, he says to the Chief.."How"  to which the Chief
replies..."Scrambled".
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 16:14:37 -0500
From:         Brad Pardee <bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU>
Subject:      joke story for the day (fwd)

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1993 11:57:16 PDT
From: Janet Newman <Janet.Newman@STANFORD.BITNET>
To: Multiple recipients of list CHRISTIA <CHRISTIA@ASUACAD.BITNET>
Subject: joke story for the day

Hi all,

Always remember, your life could be worse...
--------------------------

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
London hotel's staff and one of its guests.  The London hotel
involved submitted this to the Sunday Times.  No name was mentioned.


   WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
   ******************************************************

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish.  They are in my way.
Thank you,
                                         S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower
soap dish as you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out
of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you
should change your mind.  This leaves only the 3 bars I left
today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3
soaps daily.  I hope this is satisfactory.  Kathy, Relief Maid

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
                                         S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
we are instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which
were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where
your Dial was.  I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your
convenience.  I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are
always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins
and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.
Please let me know if I can of further assistance.  Your regular
maid, Dotty

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service.  I have assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.  If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you.
                                         Elaine Carmen
                                         Housekeeper

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM.  That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.  You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap.  The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf.  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
bars of soap.  Why are you doing this to me?
                                         S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you,
                                         Elaine Carmen,
                                         Housekeeper

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
                                         S. Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem.  I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room
since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time
they service a room.  The situation will be rectified
immediately.  Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L.  Kensedder Assistant Manager

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?  I came in
last night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54
little bars of Camay.  I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.
Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here.  All I want is my
bath size Dial.  Please give me back my bath-size Dial.  S.
Berman

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed.  Then you complained to Mr.  Kensedder that all your
soap was missing so I personally returned them.  The 24 Camays
which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive
daily (sic).  I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere
Bouquets.  Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3
daily Camays.  I don't know where you got the idea this hotel
issues bath-size Dial.  I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory
which I left in your room.  Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory.  As of today I possess:

- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size
  Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the
stacks are neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that
stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.  May I suggest that
my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent
spot for future soap deliveries.  One more item, I have purchased
another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel
vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.  S.  Berman

To:  CHRISTIA@ASUACAD, Donna.Holm
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 14:16:00 PDT
From:         "Ruiz, Stan" <SRUIZ@SAONET.UCLA.EDU>
Subject:      (Crude) Nuts!

What do you call nuts on the wall?
...Wall nuts.

What do you call nuts on one's chest?
...Chest nuts.

What do you call nuts on one's chin?
...A dick in your mouth!
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 16:19:55 -0500
From:         DEATH ANGEL <RER7691@TNTECH.EDU>
Subject:      Re: NO ARMS AND NO LEGS STUFF

>WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS IN A
SWIMMING POOL?
>
>BOB!
>
>SHOOT I HAD ABOUT 3 MORE AND NOW I CAN'T THINK OF THEM!
*SIGH*

In a pile of leaves? Russel.
In a hole? Phil.
On the wall? Art.
On the doorstep? Matt.
In the mailbox? Bill.
In the bathroom? John.
Two, on the corners of a window, with cloth between them? Curt 'n Rod.
Five male and one female, in a pool? Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and Anne.

Evil laughter...
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 16:28:58 EDT
From:         TINA SIMPSON <WA13@UTMARTN.BITNET>

ANOTHER INDIAN JOKE:
     A prominent gospel group has a singer that is an Indian.  This
fellow loves to run and always gets in 5 miles, regardless of where they
are singing at.  One day, they were at a crowded, downtown hotel where
there was no room to run.  The fellow got dressed and then proceeded to
run laps around the group's bus which was out in the parking lot.  A man
came into the hotel and stopped one   of the band and asked him was that
his bus outside the building.  The band member replied and said "yes, is
there anything wrong?" The man looked at him and with all seriousness
said,"You left your INJUN running." True Story!


******************************************************************
*****
*                                                                     *
*  For thou, O Lord, art a shield for me,     Tina Simpson            *
*  My glory and the lifter up of mine head!   WA13@UTMARTN    *
*                                             1410 Pleasant Valley Rd *
*                                             Union City, TN 38261  *
******************************************************************
*****
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 17:27:17 -0500
From:         "I thought therefore I was."
<DAHMEN@VAX1.BEMIDJI.MSUS.EDU>
Subject:      Hillbilly

Date sent:  24-JUN-1993 17:26:05

Q. How do you circumsize a hillbilly?

A. Kick his sister in the chin.


================
                     Dahmen@vax1.bemidji.msus.edu
   The fault lies not with putting a fool in charge,  the fault lies in
   leaving him in charge.
                          -Ghengis Khan
================
==========
Date:         Thu, 24 Jun 1993 21:19:44 EDT
From:         Tom Murray <F144@FERRIS.BITNET>
Subject:      narry an appendage joke

What do you call a person with no arms or legs:

  going over a wall?

  Homer

  on your vegetable garden?

  Pete  (Peat)
=======
   True story.

I was born in England to two American parents.  When it came time
to move back to the Americas I naturally had to go to American schools.
Can you imagine walking up to your sixth grade principal and asking
him if you can continue taking Latin and French.  Boy was he surprised.
Anyway, I was sitting in class one day and made a mistake on my paper
so I naturally turned around and asked the girl behind me if I could
borrow her rubber.  Boy, if I knew what I was doing I would have been
very embarrased.
    NOTE:  A rubber in England is an eraser.
She was surprised that I wasn't embarrased or angry when she called me
a fag.  After all I was quite confused with her statement!
    NOTE:  A fag in England is a cigarette.

BOY, isn't English a fun language?

Hope you had a chuckle!

Tom Murray==>F144@Ferris.Bitnet
     Hang in there, Friday's coming.
==========
Date:         Fri, 25 Jun 1993 00:41:06 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Dangerous things! <ethnically insensitive>

These jokes are built on stereotypes which I believe to be inaccurate.
Because I assume most understand that, I really think these jokes are
cute.  It is in that spirit that I tell them.

*Who are the three most dangerous men in the world?

   A drunken Irishman with a broken whiskey bottle in his hand.

   An Italian with an education.

   A Greek in sneakers.

*What are the four most dangerous things in the world?

   A Negro with an education.

   A Chinaman with a driver's license.

   A Jew with authority.

   A Greek with tennis shoes.

*Who are the three most dangerous men in the world?

   An Italian with a gun.

   A Mexican with a driver's license.

   A Freshman with a chipped tooth.


Okay, enough.
==========
Date:         Fri, 25 Jun 1993 10:07:19 +0100
From:         Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK>
Subject:      no arms no legs (the list) (140 lines)


                  The Canonical List of Quad Jokes
                              v. 0.9

        For all intents and purposes, any reference of "quad" in this file
refers to "quad-amputee," or, to put it a tad more bluntly, a man/woman
"with no arms and no legs."

-----------
Short form:
-----------
 What do you call a male quad* ...

  ...on a wall?
        Art.

  ...in a swimming pool?
        Bob.

  ...under a pile of leaves?
        Russel.  (Rustle)

  ...in your garden?
        Pete.

  ...in a hole?
        Doug.
        Barry (bury).

  ...on the highway?
        Mark.

  ...waterskiing?
        Skip.

  ...
        Lucky?   (to be alive)

  ...stuck in a geyser?
        Corky.

  ...on the front porch?
        Matt.

  ...in a briar patch?
        Barry.

  ...at a picnic?
        Frank.

  ...stuck under a car?
        Jack.

  ...at a hockey game?
        Puck.

  ...in a pothole?
        Phil.

  ...in a hottub?
        Stu.

  ...who repeats everything you say, only louder?
        Mike.

**********
What do you call two male quads hanging around a window?
        Kurt 'n Rod.

**********
 What do you call a female quad...

  ...who is being swept downstream?
        Flo.

  ...at a picnic?
        Patty.

**********
 Why do quads eat beans?   Propulsion.

----------
Long form:
----------
A wealthy single woman decides that money indeed can't buy everything as
she is very lonely and wants to marry.  However, she doesn't want to marry
just anyone, so she takes out a full-page ad in the newspaper.  It
basically states that she wants to spend the rest of her life (and money)
with the perfect man, he who meets the following three criteria:

        1) He can't beat her up
        2) He can't run away
        3) He's got to be great in bed

For the next several weeks, the woman is inundated with visits, letters,
and phone calls from prospective lovers, all of whom fail to qualify.

One day, several months later, the doorbell rings and she reluctantly
answers the door.  To her surprise, there is a man with no arms and no
legs lying on her welcome mat.

Man:    I'm here in response to your ad.  I've got no arms so I can't
        beat you up, and no legs so I can't run away.
Woman:  And what makes you think you're so great in bed?
Man:    Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

********************
        A female quad was sitting on the beach getting a tan one day, when
a fine man walked by.  She said, "Come here."  He looked kind of puzzled
but went over anyway.  She asked him, "Could you give me a hug?"  The man
looked around, then gave her a hug.
        The next day she was sitting on the beach when the man came
walking by again.  She said, "Come here."  Puzzled again, he walked over
to her.  She asked him, "Could you give me a kiss?"  He then gave her a
kiss.
        The next day she was again on the beach when the man came walking
by.  She said, "Come here."  He came over again and stood there.  She
asked, "Can you fuck me?"  He the picked her up, walked to the end of the
pier and dropped her in the water.
        He screamed, "Now your Fucked!!!!"


What do you call a legless, armless, Japanese girl, sitting on your
kitchen counter top?
                - Blenda

What do you call a legless, armless, Japanese girl, sitting in a tree?

                - Blanche

Pete.
==========
Date:         Fri, 25 Jun 1993 12:42:34 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Heart Attacks ...

"Sorry to hear about it Michael, but to be honest, this was the first
time that any of us had ever dreamed that you even HAD a heart ..."
==========
Date:         Fri, 25 Jun 1993 08:18:13 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      hillbilly joke

Jo Bob and Mary Sue got married.  Everything was perfect.
Jo Bob's Ma and Pa rented them a nice cabin,
on top of the highest mountain in the territory,
for their honeymoon suite.
They finally arrived at the cabin, it was late,
so they headed straight to the bedroom.
As they got into bed Mary Sue said, "Go easy on me honey,
cause I'm a virgin."
Jo Bob jumped out of bed and ran home to his Ma and Pa
and told them the news.  his Ma said, "don't you worry none son
you jest stay right here with us.  If that girl ain't good enough
fer her own faimly, she damn shore ain't good enough fer ours!"

*pause for laughter*

one more hopfully the last no arms and no legs joke.

...woman w/ no arms and no legs in bed w/ another woman?

DICK!
==========
Date:         Fri, 25 Jun 1993 08:51:33 EDT
From:         Bernadette C Himaras <bch@WARM.SEMCOR.COM>
Subject:      nuns

Every Sunday after services three nuns took flowers to the cemetary.
One Sunday as they were returning their station wagon was hit by
a truck.  All three nuns died instantly.  When they arrived at the
Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told them it was necessary for him to
ask them each a question before they could enter.  He assured
them it was just a formality.

He asked the first nun - "Sister Teresa, what were the stones that
the ten commandments were written on called"
She replied " That's easy, tablets"
Doot Doot Doot Doot Doo - the trumpets roared, the gates opened,
and she entered heaven.

He asked the second nun - "Sister Mary, who were the first man and
woman"
She replied "That's easy, Adam and Eve"
Doot Doot Doot Doot Doo - the trumpets roared, the gates opened,
and she entered heaven.

He asked the third nun - "Sister Sara, what was the first thing Eve
said to Adam?"
Scratching her head she replied "Gee, that's hard ...."
Doot Doot Doot Doot Doo - ...
--
Bernadette Himaras
Email: bch@warm.semcor.com
==========
Date:         Fri, 25 Jun 1993 09:06:26 EDT
From:         Daniel Pugh <DPUGH@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject:      Seen on Office Wall

BULLETIN
________

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA)
had determined that the maximum safe load capacity on
my butt is two persons at one time, unless I install
hand rails or safety straps.  As you arrived 6th in
line to ride my ass today, please take a number and
wait your turn.

THANK YOU!
==========
Date:         Fri, 25 Jun 1993 07:57:36 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      NEWSPAPER STORY

Page 18A

HUSBAND'S PENIS SEVERED TO AVENGE ALLEGED RAPE

By   The Washington Post

        MANASSAS, Va.--A 26-year-old suburban Washington man whose wife
cut off
his penis with a kitchen knife while he slept yesterday morning was reported in
satisfactory condition last night after 9 1/2 hours of surgery to reattach the
organ, officials said.
        Authorities learned of the incident when the man showed up at the local
hospital at about 5 a.m.  Police officers were dispatched to his apartment to
search for the missing penis but couldn't find it.
        About the same time, the man's wife called authorities from a pay phone
to say she had been raped, had fled the apartment "in a panic," unknowingly
taking the penis with her, and had thrown the penis out the window of her car
at an intersection.
        The penis was recovered at the intersection, packed in ice and taken by
fire and rescue personnel to a hospital where the surgical reattachment
procedure began, said James Sehn, a urologist who was one of two doctors who
participated in the delicate operation.
        Prosecutor Paul Ebert said last night that the couple, who were not
identified, "had been experiencing considerable domestic difficulty."
        The woman told police that her husband had raped her shortly before she
cut off two-thirds of his penis.  "After he went to sleep, she got a kitchen
knife," Ebert said.
        A police spokesman said the woman was released after being treated as a
rape victim at the same hospital where her husband was undergoing surgery.
        Police charged the woman last night with aggravated malicious wounding,
a felony that carries a maximum penalty of 40 years in jail.

Ladies, can you believe that?  If he does get charged and convicted of raping
her he would only get (at max) 15 years.  But since she cut off the guys penis
she gets 40 years.  It's a man's world isn't it?

Laters, Jill
------------------------------------------------------------ 19

HUMOR020
==========
Date:         Fri, 25 Jun 1993 11:02:03 EDT
From:         Marty <MEARLE@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      rated PG...

A limerick I just heard...

There once was a woman who begat
Three sons, named Matt, Pat, and Tat.
The breeding was delightful,
But the feeding was frightful,
For there was no tit for Tat!
==========
Date:         Fri, 25 Jun 1993 02:48:36 EDT
From:         "William A. Reitwiesner" <wrei@SEQ1.LOC.GOV>
Subject:      Political bumper stickers

As you can imagine, the right wingers have been having a field day with the
Clintons.  The following are some bumper stickers and t-shirts which are
being offered for sale:

If you voted for Clinton
YOU must have inhaled

If Clinton was the answer
It must have been a stupid question

America Held Hostage
1993-1997

Impeach Hillary

Inhale to the chief

Don't blame me
I didn't vote for Hillary

Smoke dope, dodge the draft,
Cheat on your wife, become President,
It's the new American way

How long 'till '96?

Slick Willie World Tour 1969
Back in the U.S.S.R.

It's spending, stupid!

Bill and Al's Big Adventure

Commander & Cheat

Hold the Liberals liable

Happiness is Clinton's face
on a milk carton

"Hope" ain't in Arkansas
It's in 1996

Reagan -- the great communicator
Clinton -- the great fabricator

"I can not tell a lie" -- Washington
He can't tell the truth -- Clinton

The Ho Chi Minh Trail
led to the White House

From a chicken in every pot
to a chicken smokin' pot

At least Gennifer got kissed

Keep our privates straight

Clinton-Gore
Gone in four

Commie-Bore

One Term
Or Less

"Contribution" -- Taxes
"Investment" -- Spending
"1996" -- Republican

If you voted for change
Better start counting it

The Lord giveth
and Clinton taketh away

A Democrat and your taxes
Are both soon wasted
==========
Date:         Fri, 25 Jun 1993 02:52:07 EDT
From:         "William A. Reitwiesner" <wrei@SEQ1.LOC.GOV>
Subject:      mutilation

Don't worry about that woman who cut off her husband's penis because he
raped her.  The case against her has been dismissed, because his evidence
can't stand up in court.
==========
Date:         Fri, 25 Jun 1993 11:31:00 -05
From:         Sara Kendall <SKENDALL@IVY.BITNET>
Subject:      digest

Digest humor Sara kendall
==========
Date:         Fri, 25 Jun 1993 12:49:32 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      On meeting death <deep>

ON MEETING DEATH

  The Mulla Nasrudin once walked in his garden with one of his
servants.  The servant cried that he had just encountered Death,
who had threatened him.  He begged his master to give him his
fastest horse so that he could make haste and flee to Teheran,
which he could reach that same evening.  The Mulla consented and
the servant galloped off on the horse.

  On returning to his house the Mulla himself met Death, and
questioned him, "Why did you terrify and threaten my servant?"

  "I did not threaten him; I only showed surprised in still finding
him here when I planned to meet him tonight in Teheran."

==========
Date:         Fri, 25 Jun 1993 13:23:55 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Bastard Operator From Hell Part#11 (Computer Humor PG-13)

Subject: Bastard Operator From Hell. Part#11
Lines: 95
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG-13; some offensive language;

                        BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #9

I'm driving to work and I'm stuck behind this old guy, the classic slow driver
>from hell,  whose  car red-lines at 20 mph and can't take corners at more than
5.  I honk my horn but his hearing aid's probably turned way down to
"whisper",
so I'm stuck.

I make a mental note of his license plate.  In fact, I did that 60 times a
minute for 15 and a half minutes.  Oh dear.. oh dear....  Looks like another
call to the DMV Database to register a vehicle as stolen by out of town arms
dealers...

I get to work, flick the excuse page over.  "ELECTROMAGNETIC
RADIATION FROM
SATTELLITE DEBRIS".  Fair enough, it looks like it's going to be a good day.

I log into "FUCKYOU", (the help-desk enquiries username) and go into mail.
There's 3 new messages, the first of which is 117 lines long, so it's obviously
a storyteller.  Shit, I hate that.  Instead of saying "My account needs more
disk space" they tell you about how they're doing this bit of research for a
lecturer and how it's got to be in yesterday, and they almost had it but their
second cousing twice removed had a perforated herpes scab and lost a lot of
blood and had to be rushed into hospital... etc etc.  I delete the message.

Second message I read, but it's one of those people who can't handle the mail
interface and send a null message, so all you get is headers.  I reply to the
message saying "No worries, we can do that by next tuesday".  Hope it was
important.

The last message I leave for tommorrow, because Saturday would be a dull day
if I ever had to work then.

The phone rings.  I thought I'd fixed that!

I put it on hands free so I can slop some pizza into the microwave.

"Yes" I call

"Something's wrong with my Boot disk, I can't login to the server"

"Have you got your disk with you?"

"Sure!"

I go get the disk and put it and the pizza in for 5 minutes on "ULTRA-NUKE".

Six minutes later, he rings back.

"It still doesn't work, and now my disk makes a funny noise and smells."

"OH SHIT!  It's that electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris again!"

"Really?  I think I heard about that!"  (What a tool!)

"Yep, I'm sorry, you'll have to buy another disk"

"Oh, that's ok, I don't mind, the old one was getting worn.  Thanks"

"Sure, no worries.  And be sure to run it through our virus checker FDISK
when you get a lot of important data on it..."

"I will!  Thanks!"

"That's Ok - it's my job!"

Xcbzone is running really slow so I kill off a whole lot of database backends
that seem to be hogging all the cpu and get back into my game.  Much better.

It isn't easy on the frontline, work work work...

I go to the cafeteria for a quick 2 hour snack - they're so nice to me there.
They always have been, ever since that computer glitch that registered their
kitchen as an organ recipient - very messy.  I grab a couple of cans of coke
and some cheese things and cruise on back to the office via the first year
computer funamentals lab.  I look in the window on the scene that unfolds it-
self to me - a lab full of first years with no demonstrator.

WELL I'LL JUST HAVE TO HELP!

I walk on in.

"Right, I'm your temporary replacement demonstrator and today we're going
to put our assignments aside for half an hour to learn about the REMARK
function, or, as it's known to the computer literate world, rm.."

I should have been a teacher you know - I've got this way with people...
....
==========
Date:         Sat, 26 Jun 1993 00:01:44 U
From:         John Hickey <John_Hickey@QMGATE.CC.OBERLIN.EDU>
Subject:      <Concierge NOTICE>

From CONCIERGE                <Concierge NOTICE>
Your mail in reference to "HUMOR Digest - 24 Jun 1993 " has been forwarded
to
CJOHNH.
  [X]  I am on Vacation.
  [ ]  I have Moved.
  [ ]  I am Away.
This is the only notice you will receive.

On vacation from 6/28/93 to 7/6/93.
==========
Date:         Sun, 27 Jun 1993 14:18:09 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      A problem of guilt <Mulla speaks again>

EVEN THE INNOCENCE HAVE GUILT

  One day he disagreed with the prior of a monastery at which he
was staying.  Shortly afterward, a bag of rice was missing.  The
prior ordered everyone to line up in the courtyard.  Then he told
them that the man who had stolen the rice had some grains of it in
his beard.

  "This is an old trick, to make the guilty party touch his beard
involuntarily," thought the real thief, and stood firm.

  Nasrudin, on the other hand, thought, "The prior is out to
revenge himself upon me.  He must have planted rice in my beard!"
He tried to brush it off as inconspicuously as he could.

  As his fingers combed his beard, he realized that everyone was
looking at him.

  "I knew, somehow, that he would trap me sooner or later," said
Nasrudin.

==========
Date:         Sun, 27 Jun 1993 14:52:12 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Gays in the military <salty>

I heard this jokes this morning from a normally very politically correct
friend:

After reviewing the reports of three inaccurate Tomahawk missiles in the
attack against the Iraqi intelligence center last night, Senator Sam
Nunn (D-GA) has altered his position about gays in the military. Nunn,
who has been a leading opponent of allowing homosexuals in the military,
now see a limited role for gays--as guidance pilots for Tomahawk
missiles.

==========
Date:         Sun, 27 Jun 1993 23:12:00 +0300
From:         Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Subject:      Gentiles

This guy goes into a massage parlor in Brooklyn and so
as there should be no misunderstanding he asks the lady
in charge,
"Do you massage genitals here?"
"Listen," she replied, "if we had to depend on the Jewish
trade we would have been out of business a long time ago."


__Bob Werman    rwerman@hujivms.bitnet    rwerman@vms.huji.ac.il
Jerusalem
==========
Date:         Sun, 27 Jun 1993 19:40:35 EDT
From:         walt <WALTERP@NERVM.NERDC.UFL.EDU>
Subject:      judicial temperament

From C.J. John Marshall a few years back: "The acme of judicial dis-
tinction means the ability to look a lawyer straight in the eyes for
two  hours and not hear a damn word he says."

From a trial record: Counsel: Your honor...   The Court: Don't interrupt.
Counsel: But, your honor...   COURT: Don't speak until after I arraign
your client. Sir you are charged in a four-count indictment with the offenses
of asault with a deadly weapon,robbery,  mayhem and receiving stolen property.
How do you plead?  COUNSEL:  My client doesn't undertand English.
==========
Date:         Sun, 27 Jun 1993 22:26:00 CDT
From:         "PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU"
<PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU>
Subject:      mutilation

A new song:
"I lost my hard in San Francisco"
==========
Date:         Mon, 28 Jun 1993 09:53:31 +0100
From:         Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK>
Subject:      legal funnies (124 lines)

      The following article is taken from the New Hampshire Business Review
      under the  category of  lawyers.  This  was one of Richard Lederer's
      columns on Looking at Language.  Original date unknown.

      ---------------------------------

      Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'
       by Richard Lederer

      Most  language  is  spoken  language,  and most words, once they are
      uttered, vanish forever into the air.  But such is not the case with
      language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
      courtroom reporters whose job it  is to take down and preserve every
      statement made during the proceedings.

      Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the  National  Shorthand
      Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers
      in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
      published a few months ago.   From  Mrs.  Gilman's two volumes, here
      are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers
      of the word:

      Q.  What is your brother-in-law's name?
      A.  Borofkin.
      Q.  What's his first name?
      A.  I can't remember.
      Q.  He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember
          his first name?
      A.  No.  I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
          and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
          your first name!

      Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
      A.  I refuse to answer that question.
      Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
      A.  I refuse to answer that question.
      Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
      A.  No.

      Q.  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
      A.  By death.
      Q.  And by whose death was it terminated?

      Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
      A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

      Q.  What is your name?
      A.  Ernestine McDowell.
      Q.  And what is your marital status?
      A.  Fair.

      Q.  Are you married?
      A.  No, I'm divorced.
      Q.  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
      A.  A lot of things I didn't know about.

      Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of?
      A.  My ex-widow said it.

      Q.  How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
      A.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by
          Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

      Q.  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
      A.  I will be three months November 8th.
      Q.  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
      A.  Yes.
      Q.  What were you and your husband doing at that time?

      Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
      A.  I should be.
      Q.  How many times have you committed suicide?
      A.  Four times.

      Q.  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
      A.  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

      Q.  Were you acquainted with the defendant?
      A.  Yes, sir.
      Q.  Before or after he died?

      Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
          influence?
      A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
      Q.  What happened then?
      A.  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
          identify me."
      Q.  Did he kill you?
      A.  No.

      Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
          deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
      A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.

      THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
      information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

      Q.  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
      A.  No.
      Q.  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
      A.  Picking them up in the air.
      Q.  Where was the dog at this time?
      A.  Attached to the ears.

      Q.  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
          able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not
          to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
          with him to the station?
      MR. BROOKS: Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.

      Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:

      Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.?  What
          school do you go to?
      A.  Oral.
      Q.  How old are you?
      A.  Oral.

Pete.
==========
Date:         Mon, 28 Jun 1993 09:23:10 EDT
From:         Daniel Pugh <DPUGH@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject:      Perfomance Evaluation (Hard Language)

PERFORMANCE EVALUATION

______________________

Under the Freedom of Information Act and the Federal Privacy Act of 1974, I
understand that my work performance is being evaluated.  I have the right to
review and discuss differences in order to resolve them and I have the right to
request amendment to and/or modification of any document.

Name:_______________________________________  Date of
review:__________________

__________________________________________________________________

KNOWLEDGE:     1 __ The son of a bitch really knows his shit.
               2 __ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
               3 __ Only has half a brain and is dangerous.
               4 __ Fucking brain damage. His coffee cup has a higher IQ.
__________________________________________________________________

ACCURACY:      1 __ Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy.
               2 __ Pretty good: occationaly blows it out his ass.
               3 __ Has to take off his shoes to count higher than ten.
               4 __ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.
__________________________________________________________________

ATTITUDE:      1 __ Extremely cooperative (kisses ass frequently).
               2 __ Brown noser in poor standing.
               3 __ Often pisses off co-workers: thinks it's his job.
               4 __ Doesn't give a shit: never did, never will.
__________________________________________________________________

RELIABILITY:   1 __ Really a dependable little cocksucker.
               2 __ Can rely on him at evaluation time.
               3 __ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door.
               4 __ Totally fucking worthless.
__________________________________________________________________

APPEARANCE:    1 __ Extremely neat: even combs his pubic hair.
               2 __ Looks great at evaluation time.
               3 __ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch!
               4 __ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.
__________________________________________________________________

PERFORMANCE:   1 __ Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it.
               2 __ Does okay around evaluation time.
               3 __ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes.
               4 __ Couldn't do less work if he were in a coma.
__________________________________________________________________

LEADERSHIP:    1 __ Carries a chain saw and gets good results.
               2 __ Occasionally gets told to "Get Fucked".
               3 __ Mother Theresa tells him to "Get Fucked".
               4 __ Couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat.
__________________________________________________________________

I understand that I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy
Act of 1974.  I further acknowledge that I am as fucked up as a football bat
and will attempt to correct my deficiencies.
==========
Date:         Mon, 28 Jun 1993 12:36:03 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Bastard Operator From Hell Part#12 (Computer Humor PG-13)

Subject: Bastard Operator From Hell. Part#12
Lines: 142
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG-13; some offensive language;

                        BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #10

I get invited to a lecture as a guest speaker in "Computing Operations Fund-
amentals",  so  I  leave  the control room in the capable hands of Sam, the
janitor and cruise on down.

The lecture starts and goes ok, then there's a 10 minute period where students
get to ask a "real operator" questions that they have about operations.

I get out my pad and pen.
"Before we get started" I say, "could you just call out your username before
you ask me a question, I find it easier to apply your problem to terms you
would understand better"
The lecturer eats all this up - the personal touch really gets to them.
"First Question, You over there.."

"What do you think of the privacy of individuals on a shared system?"

"What was your username please?"

"CMS1103"

>Scratchy scritch<
"Computer Privacy...   Hmmm.  This is a toughy really.  You mean stuff like
reading the email between you and your counsellor about you not wanting to
come out of the closet?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!"

"AH.  Well, he seems to have left - must have picked a bad COMPLETELY
RANDOM
example.  Next question.  You, over there..."

"CMS1136.  I was.."

"Ah yes, 1136 the only person on campus who subscribes to alt.sex.buggery.by.
sailors.dressed.in.mums.clothing"

"It's purely for research purposes!"

"I'm sure it is.  You do a lot of story posting for a researcher don't you?"

"NNGggggAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHGH!"

"Next please..."

....

...

Two minutes later, the lecture theatre's empty.
That's the problem with students today, they just don't want to learn.

I go back to control and Sam's asleep at the console again.  I think he's
after my job.  I make a mental note to tap into the salary database and
cancel his health and accident insurance payments.  You can't be too careful..

I put the phone on the hook for the first time this afternoon and it starts
ringing almost immediately.  THAT'S IT!  I redirect it to 911 catch a bit of
shuteye.  That'll teach them.  OOPS!  Almost forgot to turn over the excuse
calendar.  "STATIC FROM NYLON UNDERWEAR"  Nope, too plausable -
although in
some cases I could do an on-site check.  Nah, can't be stuffed.  I'll pick
another one.  "STATIC FROM PLASTIC SLIDE RULES"  Now THAT'S one
with a
challenge!

I un-redirect the phone and drag the rubbish bin so it rests on the printer's
stacker - another job well done.  The phone rings - this could be the big one!

"Hello?"

"Hi, Um, how do I spell-check my file?"

"Simple, just type `spell' and the filename"

"Thanks"

I'm so bloody nice this morning.  Especially as I know that my version of spell
introduces  errors  instead  of detecting them.  Things like changing friend to
freind and vice-versa.  What the hell.

The phone rings - it's them again.

"There's something wrong with spell"

"What makes you think that?"

"Because my file is all corrupt now!"

"That doesn't sound like spell to me.  Are you logged into thru PC?"

"Yes, but I can.."

"Please, leave the technical diagnosis to me...  Now, is there a plastic ruler
somewhere on or in the desk?"

"Um >clunka<, yes..."

"Right.  You've got a static buildup on your hard-drive caused by the changing
electrostatic field generated by the ruler - the same one that makes bits of
paper stick to it when you rub it up and down your arm..."

DUMMY MODE ON

"Oh.  What do I do?"

"You know how you get paper off a ruler by hitting it on a table lots of times?
Well do that with your PC.  Say 20 times - lift it about a foot off the desk &
drop it."

"Oh.  OK"

>crash<

>crash<

>crash<

"Um, the screen went dark"

"That's ok, it's supposed to do that - keep going.  And when you're finished,
do the screen as well, that static may have gone up the wires to it."

>crash<

>crash<

>crash<...

I hang up.   I get up and go out to the public area to put honey in the floppy
drives when a guy who looked like Lee Harvey Oswald runs up to me and
shoots
me, only the sound comes from the machine room, and I can hear the ex
System-
Managers chuckle....

Later, in the ambulance, I realise.  I forgot to get the guys username...

Then everything goes dark
--
==========
Date:         Mon, 28 Jun 1993 09:58:00 PDT
From:         "Briggs, Vickie" <VBriggs@UNEX.UCLA.EDU>

Please SET HUMOR NO MAIL
==========
Date:         Mon, 28 Jun 1993 13:23:49 EDT
From:         DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU
Subject:      ROADKILL CAFE

                 R  O  A  D  K  I  L  L   C  A  F  E

                              M  E  N  U


                     "YOU KILL IT...WE GRILL IT!"

             Featuring Some of West Virginia's Finest!!!

    EATING FOOD IS MUCH MORE FUN WHEN YOU KNOW IT WAS HIT
ON THE RUN!


                               ENTREES

Center Line Bovine..........................................$4.95
          ("Tastes real good, straight from the hood")

The Chicken ("That didn't cross the road")..................$3.95

Flat Cat ("Served as a single or in a stack")...............$2.95


                      A TASTE OF THE WILD SIDE

                          Still in the hide

Chunk of Skunk..............................................$1.95

Smidgen of Pigeon...........................................$1.95

Road Toad a la Mode.........................................$1.65

Shake 'n' Bake Snake........................................$2.25

Swirl of Squirrel...........................................$1.55

Whippoorwill on a Grill.....................................$3.30

Narrow Sparrow..............................................$0.55

Rigor Mortis Tortoise.......................................$6.75

                   ______________________
                  |                      |
                  | DAILY LUNCH SPECIALS |
                  |                      |
                  |      Bag 'n' Gag     |
                  |______________________|


                       CANINE CUISINE

        You'll eat like a hog...When you taste our dog!

Slab of Lab.................................................$2.95

Pit Bull Pot Pie............................................$1.95

Cocker Cutlets..............................................$3.95

Shar-Pei Filet..............................................$5.95

Poodles 'n' Noodles.........................................$5.95

Snippet of Whippet..........................................$4.50

Collie Hit by a Trolley.....................................$3.95

German Shepherd Pie.........................................$3.95

Round of Hound..............................................$4.25

         ________________________________________________
        |                                                |
        |              "GUESS THAT MESS"                 |
        |                                                |
        |            A Daily Special Treat --            |
        |                                                |
        |  you can guess what it is, you'll eat it FREE! |
        |________________________________________________|


                      LATE NIGHT DELIGHTS

               Served Fresh Each Night After Dark


Rack of Raccoon.........................................$3.95

Smear of Deer...........................................$4.95

Awesome Possum..........................................$1.95
     (Possum Nuggets available upon request, seasonal)

Critter Fritters........................................$0.55
            (your choice of fillings or toppings)

Roadrunner Stew.........................................$1.25
                        (beep  beep)


                        MEET OUR CHEF

                       "Wheels" Pierre

           Remember -- proper preparation takes time.
        Chef "Wheels" Pierre reminds you that some dishes
              are aged for weeks along the roadside.

 Nate and Buck will be cruising nightly for your dining selections.
==========
Date:         Mon, 28 Jun 1993 15:11:07 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Rape trial humor <not offensive>

   Two months ago in a town not many miles from here there was
a rape trial.  The victim was a proper old maid of about 40
years, a church secretary.  One evening in January she had
finished her duties at the church and was walking to a nearby
grocery store when an inconsiderate young man with bad teeth
assaulted her.

   When it came her duty to repeat the young man's indecent
proposal for the benefit of the court the woman was reluctant.
The judge ordered her to tell the court what the young man had
said to her.  She refused.  The judge allowed the woman to
write down the words.

   The woman wrote.  The judge read.  The lawyers read.  The
court stenographer read and recorded.  The bailiff handed the
paper to the foreman.  She read it and passed in down the
first row.  As they read some had shocked expressions, while
other had no expression.  In the second row a young female
juror read without expression and then tried to hand the
message to the fellow sitting next to her.  He was in another
world apparently day-dreaming and maybe even snoozing.  She
nudged him, he sleepily received the note, read it, smiled
broadly, and put it in his pocket.  The Judge notice the juror
putting the paper in his pocket.

   "Mr. Smith," he called out, "please take the paper out of
your pocket and pass it on."

   "I'm sorry your Honor," insisted Mr. Smith, "I cannot do
that.  The note concerns a very personal matter."
==========
Date:         Mon, 28 Jun 1993 16:33:00 -0400
From:         Eric Schmidt <SCHMIDT@UTKLIB.LIB.UTK.EDU>
Subject:      Re: American idioms

    Whoever posted this original msg about slang and idioms, please respond
    to me directly.

    But now for the obligatory humor...such that it is...

        A friends grandfather was sitting around the other evening telling
    war stories about WWII. He was a paratrooper with the 101st "Screaming
    Eagles" (or Pukeing Buzzards as the 82nd "All Americans" would say).
    But during training, he had a rough time of it. One of his Black Hats
    (Instructors) was a big old ugly fella... kinda like Mr. T but without
    such a sunny disposition. Well, on the first practice jump, old
    grandad freezes as he's about to go out the door, and says" I cant do
    it sarge".
        Sarge says, "Jump boy...jump NOW!".
        Granpaw says, "No way!". About this time, ol' Sarge has dropped his
    britches and says, "Boy, if you dont jump, I'm gonna take my manhood
    and stick it where the sun don't shine".
        Well, my buddy turns to his grandfather and says, "Grandaddy, did
    you jump"?
        And his grandad said, "Yeah...a little bit".

        All the blame for this sad story goes to John-Boy and Billy on
    Charlotte, NC's 99.7 WRFX morning show.

    Eric Schmidt
    SCHMIDT@UTKLIB.LIB.UTK.EDU (Internet)
==========
Date:         Tue, 29 Jun 1993 07:21:00 EST
From:         LASHOMJS@SNYPOTVX.BITNET
Subject:      A little tipsy????

Starkle, starkle, little twink.
Who the hell you are I think!
Some thinkle peep I'm under
The alkafluence of inkahol,
But who damns a give?
I've got all day sober to Monday up--
It's just the drunker I sit here,
The longer I get!!!!!



Have a nice *hiccup* day!!!!!

Jill L.
==========
Date:         Tue, 29 Jun 1993 08:10:30 EDT
From:         Daniel Pugh <DPUGH@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject:      Political Humor

One day about a month ago, Prsident Bill Clinton finally got tired of sleeping
only with Hillary for the past few months and decided to sneak out of the White
House and visit a seedy D.C. lounge known for prostitution. When he arrived at
the lounge he saw three prostitutes; a blonde, a brunette and a red head.

President Clinton first said to the blonde, "I'm the President, how much would
it cost me to spend some time with you?" the blonde replied, "$200.00".

The President then asked the brunette the same question, to which she replied,
"For you Mr. President, $100.00".

President Clinton then asked the red head the same question and she replied,
"Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get my panties a
as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, keep it as
high as your proposed gas price increase, keep me warmer than my apartment,
and
screw me the way you do the public, believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna
cost you a thing!"
==========
Date:         Tue, 29 Jun 1993 09:40:13 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Bastard Operator From Hell Part#13 (Computer Humor PG-13)

Subject: Bastard Operator From Hell. Part#13
Lines: 100
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG-13; some offensive language;


                BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL LIVES!   #11


The darkness cleared as we got out of the tunnel and it occurred to me that
I couldn't be all that injured.  Then again, maybe I was.  Someone was going
to p..

I died.

Of course, a true BOFH considers this not really as dying, but more of going
home for the holidays.

Five seconds later, I'm getting the upside of 15Kv across the nipples. (These
ambulance guys sure know how to party).

                        BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL LIVES!

Three weeks later I'm back on my backside and feeling rested at relaxed behind
the console again.  The rest has done me good, I feel *great!*.  I catch up on
everyone's email then let the students know I'm back by performing an
impromptu
preventative maintenance in the middle of lab time by kicking the restart
switch (They love it really)

I flip today's excuse card,  "GLOBAL WARMING"  YES YES YES!  What a
welcome
home!

It's the end of the month so all those automatic email reminder programs will
be sending messages all over the place.  I set the system clock back 7 days
to buy some peace and quiet and swap the printer ribbon for the three year old
one with holes in it.

    I sort through my snail mail and crack open the BOFH Monthly Newsletter,
"kill -9" and check out the articles therein.   There's a nice peice of making
OS2 slow, boring and painful, but it looks exactly like the OS2 installation
instructions to me...  Ah, who knows.  I head straight to the BOFH Wizard
section to see if any of my articles were published.   All of them!!!  Even
the one about the c compiler that randomly removes one line from the source
code it's compiling!

The phone rings.

"The Screen on my PC is blank!!!"

"It's the power cord" I say

"No, I checked that.  When I switch it on, it does nothing!"

"It's the power cord" I say

"No, I checked and it's all plugged in properly.  There's no lights on the
keyboard or anything"

"It's the power cord" I say

"Oh.  I just noticed, the cord's not plugged in properly!"

"The power cord?" I ask

"Yes...  Woopsy"

"No worries at all" I say "Is it all working well now?"

"Yes, I think so.  I'm sorry, you WERE right all along"

"Yes, we're getting a lot of this, it's due to the current Global Warming
problem.  It causes random thermal expansion and contraction resulting in
temperature induced movement of friction based holding mechanisms.."

I listen carefully.  Nothing.  In other words, <DUMMY MODE ON>...

"You can fix it permanently tho'" I say

"Really?  How?"

"Well it's all to do with lowering salt deposits on the metal contacts"

"Oh!"  (Dummy mode irrevocably engaged)

"All you need to do is just take the power plug out deposit some dilute mineral
salts on it.  Do you have some dilute mineral salts on you?"

"Uh, no?"

"Ok, no worries, just stick it in your mouth drool into it.  But make sure you
wipe the plug first to get rid of any germs, and TURN THE SWITCH OFF ON
THE
MONITOR before you do - we don't want a nasty accident!

"Oh.  Ok!"

>Fzzzt< >clunk!<

I hang up as the receiver hits the floor.  Disk space is too good for them.

----
==========
Date:         Tue, 29 Jun 1993 11:29:06 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  1.M     A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago,
              big

******************************************************************
**************

A Chemist, an Engineer, and a Physicist were stuck on a desert island
with one can of beans and no way to open it, so they all fell to
thinking of ways to get at the food.
Suddenly the Chemist yells, "I have it! We can make a compound from the
sea water and the sand that will dissolve the can and leave the beans
untouched!"
The Engineer replies, "No, no - I found some driftwood and seaweed, and
I have designed a contraption that will lift the lid off the can!"
The Physicist remains silent. After awhile, the other two walk over to
him and say, "Well? Don't you have a plan to get at the food?"
The Physicist replies, "First, assume we have a can opener...."

************

Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four.  One to ensure that the lightbulb is certifiably dead, one to
   perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid
   nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology
   to advance sufficiently to revive it.

************

While looking for a Real Job (read: technical writing), I've been paying
the bills doing medical transcription work.  I came across a book today
called "The Empty Laugh Book" by the American Association for Medical
Transcription, containing some of the funniest dictated and transcribed quotes
from the world of medicine that I've ever encountered.  Some of the best
follow:
(c) 1981 AAMT
---------------------------------------------------------------------
d: Varicose veins
t: Very close veins

d: Patient underwent a tubal ligation.
t: Patient underwent a two-ball ligation.

d: Dr. Blank concurred with the diagnosis.
t: Dr. Blank conquered the diagnosis.

d: [On an operative report, the surgical assistants]: In the left corner we
have Billy, in the center puttering around with her little paws is Molly,
and dancing around to my right is Daisy, and this is yours truly.

d: His tongue was slightly hairy.  Yes, that's what I said, hairy.

d: The patient had a deformity of the chest, the name of which I can never
remember at the proper time.

d: The patient went to the bathroom shortly after the sigmoidoscopy and
produced a prolapse, which she brought back to the office.

d: Despite treatment, the patient improved.

d: She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions
in early December.

d: The patient said she was too sick to be in the hospital and would return
when she felt better.

d: Both marital problems are teenagers.

d: He breaks out with cats.

d: Patient slipped on the porch when she went out to feed the birds
and broke her ankle.  The birds were not injured.

d: Contusion of the leg secondary to nausea and vomiting.

d: It is my feeling at this time still that Mr. Blank is still in need of
surgical correction in order to provide a more definitive direction and
solution to the problem that is at hand.

d: The patient, be he dead or alive, needs a doctor's order to be released.

d: Here a pain, there a pain, everywhere a pain, pain.

d: Past History: Four children and an appendectomy.

d: This child will probably be shorter than he wants to be, but he should
have picked different parents.

d: The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

d: Physical examination revealed a garrulous, obese woman who was short of
breath on motion but not on talking.

d: Patient is a 28 year old white male who was playing his first league
game of the season when he was sliding into home plate.  The patient was
safe, but his ankle was out.

d: He was a very pleasant person to talk with until he discovered that I
am a psychiatrist.  At that point, he became markedly hostile and belligerent,
threatening to do great bodily harm to me if I did not leave the room
immediately.  The interview, therefore, was terminated very rapidly and a
complete mental status is indeed not possible.

d: I don't think I have ever run into anything quite like this patient;
however, I think with a great deal of courage, keeping our eyes upward,
moving onward and upward, maybe we shall push through to the ultimate
victory as England did in those dark days of Dunkirk.  I now find that she
is tired and she is nervous and she is not awake enough and she is not
asleep enough.  She is not right enough, left enough, up enough, and she
is not down enough.  I have decided that this whole thing can be cured by
that magic pill which I will get from the pharmacy.  This little bottle of
pills will probably go into her purse along with seven other bottles
of pills of which she takes only about one half.  She can't handle the ______
so I told her to take [a vitamin preparation].  This has a little booze
in it and may help her.  She will return in one month.

d: He has never been married except once for three days when he was on an
acid trip.

d: History and Physical: Mrs. Blank is a 64 year old black widow.

d: The patient was evaluated by an orthopedist, but impression of his con-
sultation is unknown, as I cannot read his writing.

d: She was taken to surgery on the 9th, as per operative report.  She made
a good postoperative recovery and was seen in the clinic the morning following
surgery.  Following that, she was lost in confusion, and repeated attempts
to locate her through the hospital information center failed to locate the
patient until the morning of the 15th when she phoned me stating that she
was still in the hospital in room 5309 ... Her unusual length of stay in the
hospital was not intentional and it was due to misunderstanding and confusion
and inability to locate the patient until Tuesday ... The patient's hospital
course was uneventful and she was discharged.

d: She states that her husband took downers and she took uppers so the
relationship did not work out.

************

Know why they don't let government workers look out the window in the
morning?
So they'll have something to do in the afternoon!

************

Q:      How many disarmament folks does it take to change a light bulb?

A:      They won't, because:
1. "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a
        brighter one, so where will it all end?"
2. "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world three times
over."
3. "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone is
        hungry anywhere."
4. "We don't know what effect all of this artificial light will
        have on the future of mankind."
5. "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't
        learned to husband it yet."
6. "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct."
7. "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity."
8. "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide
        light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color
        sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socio-economic status,
        national origin, or need."
9. "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!"

************

       Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always
 late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't
 do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told
 him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the
alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
      "Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked !"
  " That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday ? "

************

Did you hear about the midget who was
running away from the Prague Police?
He ran up to a house, knocked on the door
and asked the woman who opened the door
if she would cache a small Czech

************

A wealthy man had suspected for a long time that his wife was having an
affair.  One day, on impulse, he called home and asked the maid if his
wife was around. The maid hesitated for a moment, then said,
"No, Mr. Lewis...well, yes, she is.  But, sir, she's...she's upstairs in
the bedroom...with another man."
"I thought so," he said.
"Doris, I want you to do something for me.  You know where the gun is, in
the cabinet behind the silver.  I want you to take it out, go upstairs,
and shoot them both.  I give you my word that nothing will happen to you."

After a few minutes of coaxing, the maid reluctantly agreed to the dirty
deed.  The man waited on the line for several minutes, hearing a distant
scream and two gunshots.  When the maid returned to the phone, he asked,
"Well, did you kill them?"
"Yes, sir."
"All right, now I want you to go throw the gun in the pool."
"What pool?"

"The one behind the house."
"But we don't have a pool!"
"Um...is this 892-1427?..."

************

Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life.  As he got into his sixties, his
eyes started to fail him.  He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to
see the family eye doctor.  The doctor said there wasn't much he could do
but, he new of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like
an eagle.  The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and suggested that Jeb
could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball.  Jeb of course, didn't
believe the doctor.  The old guy was almost a century old, but could see
like an eagle !!??

Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing.  On the first tee,
Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where
it went.  He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?"  To which Wilbur
replied, "Sure did."  Jeb asked, "Where did it go?"  Wilbur replied, "I forget!"

*********

One day a three-legged dog moseyed (?) into Dodge City, Kansas.
He was your typical western dog, he had a bandana around his neck
and a snarl on his lips.

Anyway, Matt Dillon met the dog in the middle of Main Street amidst
all his fans and said, "Three-Legged dog, this heres a peaceful
community, we don't want no trouble."

To which the three-legged dog replied, "Matt, I'm not looking for
no trouble neither, I'm just lookin' for the man that shot my pa(w)!"

************

Q: What do you call a short psycic who escapes from prison?
A: A small medium at large.
==========
Date:         Wed, 30 Jun 1993 08:49:19 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Bastard Operator From Hell Part#14 (Computer Humor PG-13)

Subject: Bastard Operator From Hell. Part#14
Lines: 129
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG-13; some offensive language;


                        BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #12

  I get to work and I'm a bit tired so I plug a thick hunk of copper across
the  three  phase  supply  and  throw the switch.  The room is plunged into
darkness as the circuit breakers trip and for once the machine room is silent.

I like it.

I pop the phone off the hook and close the curtains on the observation window.
Now it's *really* dark in there.  I wouldn't be surprised if someone had an
accident in here..

I lift a couple of floor tiles up in the darkness and call our maintenance
contractors saying the mini popped the breaker again, then replace the fuses
in it with a couple of nails and short the power supply to ground.  You can't
just hope for this sort of thing, you've got to MAKE it happen.

15 minutes later the engineer arives and falls down the hole.  I pop the floor
tiles back on just as the System Manager (a new and very thorough individual)
comes in, telling me to watch out, someone could really hurt themselves in the
dark...

I nod & tell him that we can't really afford all the downtime, and should I
just throw the breaker and hope that there was no major fault.  After thinking
about the negative publicity we're getting already, he makes the last decision
of his short career and tells me to go ahead.

Later, when the smoke clears I examine the smoking remains of the mini.  Not
a pretty sight...

"Strange that the breaker jammed shut, isn't it?" I say to our manager as he
packs up the personal things in his office.  "One in a million chance.  A pity
that someone saw what you did and posted the whole story to comp.misc. 
You'll
be lucky to get a job managing a car computer after all that publicity..."

   I go back to the machine room and throw the rest of the breakers to liven
everything  up,  then  login  and  start  deleting  users'  email.  I spot an
interesting off-the-record sexual proposition from our male consultant to a
member of the men's swim team which will make a good motd, so I copy it
there,
modify root's owner name to be "Winker" and password to be "ljkadlkajflkj"
(then call the big boss to report a suspected intrusion).  Should be at least
a couple of hours of login time before we can sort that out.  In the meantime,
people are just going to have to read that message...
  I realise the message has been read when I hear the gunshot from behind the
consultant's closed door.

   I edit the online helpdesk information and change the phone number to the
System Manager's  -  he'll probably appreciate the extra calls at such a sad
time...

I hear another shot and realise he won't be answering any calls today.

I put the phone back on the hook and flip today's excuse card.  "Poor power
conditioning".  Too plausible.  "STATIC BUILDUP".  Still a bit too plausible
for my liking, but I don't want to run out of cards before the end of the
year, so I decide to run with it.

The phone rings almost as soon as I've got "Top Gun" in the video machine so
I pause the video and put the phone on hands-free.

"I think I've bought a bad floppy disk"

"Yes?"  I wonder if I've suddenly become the consumer's watchdog?

"Well, I've got this disk and it won't format.  All the others in the box did
so I thought I must have a bad disk"

"Why are you calling me about this?" I ask

"Well, the disk says guaranteed; where do I go to get a replacement?"

Ah!  Of course.

"Well, let's see.  Are you sure it's the disk, and not just some problem with
static buildup?"

"Huh?"

"Static Buildup, you know, static electricity that's passed from you to the
computer"

"But I'm wearing a wrist strap!"

Around about now I realise I'm deep in dweeb country.  Wrist straps aren't
fashion accessories in my part of town...

"Of course you are, but your average wrist strap has a 1 meg resistor in
series with it, a *really* poor earth.  What you need is a direct earth
connection.  Hang onto the frame of something that's earthed properly."

"What, you mean like our stainless steel bench?"

"Excellent.  Now, have you got a paper clip to discharge the static with?"

"Hang on.  Yeah"

"Ok, with your other hand, poke the clip thru the ventilation holes at the back
of the unit, and just touch the contact at the end of the thick red wire."

"The one going to the power supply?"

"Yep, that's it"

"....Hey, isn't that the li... >kzzzzt!<   >clunk<"

Another call solved by the helpdesk from hell...
==========
Date:         Wed, 30 Jun 1993 08:39:07 EDT
From:         Daniel Pugh <DPUGH@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject:      Elvis Christ or Jesus Presley

I found this articl in my humor file and thought some would appreciate the
similarities between Christ the King and and the King of Rock'n'Roll. As a
native Memphian, this kind of scares me thinking I might have been so close
to a diety.

THE TWO KINGS

In pursuing Elvis' biography "If I Can Dream" by his hairdresser-dum-spiritual
advisor Larry Geller, I stumbled across the following conversation:

Elvis begins: "Think back when I had that experience in the desert. I didn't
only see Jesus' picture in the clouds -- Jesus literally exploded in me. Larry,
it was me. I was Christ ... I thought I might be him. I really thought I was
singled out, not only to be Elvis, but, ah ..."

"Elvis", [Geller] said calmly, "are you trying to say you thought you were
Jesus Christ?"

Elvis, with visible relief, grinned.

I shook my head in disbelief. Was Elvis really that out to lunch? If he was
going to compare himself to a religious figure, why not try Budha? At least
they had the same body type. But, as I read further, as I dug deeper and deeper
into Elvis lore, I began to notice bizarre affinities, stange parallels --
inexplicable similarities between the King of Rock'n'Roll and the King of the
Jews. At first they came slowly, but soon they were jumping off the pages.
Coincidences? Perhaps.

Jesus said "Love thy neighbor" (Matthew 22:39).
Elvis said "Don't be Cruel" (RCA, 1956).

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

Jesus is the lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybil Shephaer.

Jesus said "Man shall not live by bread alone" (Matthew 4:4).
Elvis loved his sandwiches with peanut butter and banannas.

"Then they took up stones to cast at [Jesus]" (John 8:59).
Elvis was often stoned.

Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chops.

Jesus was part of a trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water (Matthew 14:25).
Elvis surfed (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965).

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis majored in wood shop/industrial art in high school.

Jesus lived in a state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Jesus wore the crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had thelve members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus as wine (sacramental wine).
Elvis as wine (Always Elvis wine by Frantenac).

A major woman in Jesus' life (Mary) had an immaculate conception.
A major woman in Elvis' life (Priscilla) went to Immaculate Conception High
School.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous comeback special in 1968.

Son of God.
Sun Studios.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let hime come unto me and drink" (John 7:37).
Elvis said, "Drinks on me" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957).

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits (e.g. five bananna splits for breakfast).

Jesus is a Capricorn (December 25th).
Elvis is a Capricorn (January 8th).

Jesus biography by Matthew (Gospel according to Matthew).
Elvis biography by Neil Matthews (Elvis: A Golden Tribute).

"[Jesus'  contenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow
(Matthew 28:3).
Elvis' trademarks were a lightning bolt and snow-white jumpsuits.

Jesus was Jewish.
Wlvis was part Jewish (from his maternal great-grandmother, Martha Tackett
Mansell).

Jesus' Purple Robe.
Elvis' Pink Cadillac.

Jesus' father is everywhere.
Elvis' father, Vernon, was a drifter and moved around quite a bit.

Doubting Thomas.
"Suspicious Minds".

There is much confusion about jesus' middle name - what does the "H" stand
for?
There is much confusion aobut Elvis' middle name - was it Aron or Aaron?

Jesus made rocks roll away from his tomb (Mark 16:4).
Elvis was a Rock'n'Roll singer.


Written by A. J. Jacobs and reprinted from "The Nose"
==========
Date:         Wed, 30 Jun 1993 12:06:16 -0600
From:         Michael Strom <mstrom@SILVER.SDSMT.EDU>
Subject:      joke

Bumper sticker in Texas:

Is your church ATF approved?
==========
Date:         Wed, 30 Jun 1993 14:20:08 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Mulla Nasrudim <more teachings>

ON THE ACT OF EATING AS COMMUNION WITH NATURE

  One day Nasrudin saw a strange-looking building at whose door a
contemplative Yogi sat.  The Mulla decided that he would learn
something from this impressive figure, and started a conversation
by asking him who and what he was.

  "I am a Yogi," said the other, "and I spend my time in trying to
attain harmony with all living things."

  "That is interesting," said Nasrudin, "because a fish once saved
my life."
  The Yogi begged him to join him, saying that in a lifetime
devoted to trying to harmonize himself with the animal creation, he
had never been so close to such communion as the Mulla had been.

  When they had been contemplating for some days, the Yogi begged
the Mulla to tell him more of his wonderful experience with the
fish, "now that we know one another better."

  "Now that I know you better," said Nasrudin, "I doubt whether you
would profit by what I have to tell."

  But the Yogi insisted.  "Very well," said Nasrudin.  "The fish
saved my life all right.  I was starving at the time, and it
sufficed me for three days."

==========
Date:         Wed, 30 Jun 1993 15:09:20 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      Enthusiasm Lost

A fella, 25 years old, had proposed to and been accepted by his
sweetheart. At the wedding service in a small Unitarian church, the
prospective groom was rather nervous. Noticing him sweating and licking
his dry lips, the minister whispered, "What's the matter, Thomas? Did
you lose the ring or something?"

Thomas answered, "I got the ring, but I sure done lost my enthusiasm!"

==========
Date:         Wed, 30 Jun 1993 13:39:20 CDT
From:         Colleen Lamb <Colleen=Lamb@TSL.TEXAS.GOV>
Subject:      R-rated limerick

This is from the big book of limericks (I can't remember the title):

There was a young man from Lynn
Whose cock was the size of a pin.
   Said his girl with a laugh
   as she looked at his staff,
"This won't be much of a sin."
==========
Date:         Wed, 30 Jun 1993 17:31:36 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      For those who havent heard....

Apologies to those who already might have seen this item. I'm not sure if
it ever made it to this list, so I'm reposting it. The column below appeared
in the Washington Post on 6/27/93. The author, Tony Kornheiser, is a
transplanted sports columnist who now appears in the "style" section of
the Post twice a week because, if I figure correctly, he's like Dave
Barry, which is to say he's a sophomoric wise-ass baby-boomer. And who
doesn't need more of those in their life?

File size: long (feel free to zap if you have it already)
Rated: somewhere between PG-13 and R (I wish they still used the
old MPAA "M" rating, because that's what this really is)



From:   MX%"fmartin@relay.nswc.navy.mil" 27-JUN-1993 15:06:08.18
To:     WOODELL
CC:
Subj:   Return to Gender

Everybody is still talking, of course, about that suburban Virginia
man who was, shall we say, dismembered, by his wife, and then was
remembered, so to speak, at the hospital emergency room.
     Now, without being at all prurient, I'd like to briefly
revisit the original story.  It stated that a woman, calling from
a pay phone, informed police that her husband had sexually
assaulted her, and later, when he was asleep, she took a 12-inch
"filet knife," cut off [Marvin] and threw it out her car window.
She told police where it might be found. They located a [Wally]
answering that description, they wrapped it in ice, and a team of
doctors reattached it.
     The difference in the reactions between men and woman to this
story is instructive.
     Women tend to view the incident philosophically, suggesting
that it's a cultural metaphor for the indignities heaped upon women
by men, emblematic of a woman's changing role and the evolution of
her aggression, a throwing off of the yoke of traditional
victimization, an inevitable empowerment first described centuries
ago by the feminist poet Sappho, and later, subliminally in a
reinterpretation of the works of Nietzsche around the Freudian
conceit of an avenging superwoman.
     And men?
     Men double over, grab their crotches and moan.
     (If you record the moans and play them back at super-slo speed
I believe you will be able to make out the phrase: "Never order the
Ginzu knife.")
     A colleague of mine wondered whether the police have dogs that
are specially trained for this sort of roadside search procedure.
     To which another colleague answered, "Let's just hope they're
not hungry."
     The incident has prompted a run on coffee and Jolt cola in the
metropolitan area, as men seek to load up on caffeine so they can
avoid sleeping now -- and maybe for the next four years.  I mean,
talk about a wake-up call for American men!  There is a fear among
men this may just be the tip of the iceberg, if you will, and the
near future may produce a rash of copycat incidents, because, let's
face it, is this a woman's ultimate revenge fantasy, or what?
Doesn't it beat the hell out of, say, starching his shorts?  As a
result, a kind of protectionist male bonding has cropped up. Some
friends of mine have left their homes and are staying at Hal's
house, where they've setup a sentry system so they can sleep in
shifts.
     The story said this couple were experiencing "domestic
difficulty".  When I think of "domestic difficulty," it's: "He
doesn't leave the seat down." It's: "She is rude to my mother." It
is not: "AIEEEEEEEGGHHHH!" Calling this domestic difficulty is like
saying Jeffrey Dahmer had an eating disorder!
     The story also said that after the woman sliced it, she
"unknowingly" took [Alistair] with her in the car, and continued to
drive. Personally, I'm a guy who notices things.  And I think you'd
notice something like this in
     So she throws it out the car window, and it lands somewhere
near the road.  This is the first lucky break the guy's had all
evening.  Suppose she throws it out, and it lands in a Pepsi can?
Can you imagine the Uh-Huh Girls trying to soft pedal that one?
     I certainly hope the reattachment surgery goes well. You
wouldn't think a whole lot of people specialize in that particular
procedure. Apparently, the first such reattachment was performed in
the mid-1970's in Japan, home of the Ginzu knife. I shudder to
think how that guy wound up on the table -- possibly a terrible
accident at Benihana, One news story quoted a surgeon at Yale
Medical School who said the operation is success if [King Gustaf V]
doesn't turn black,
     Wait, This is bad?
     But seriously folks ...
     What if this man wake up, and he looks down at his
[Kornheiser] and he says, "That's not mine!"
     What if they recovered the wrong one?
     What if there were a whole bunch of them on this stretch of
highway? What if this kind of thing is happening all the time?
     Men are often accused of thinking with their [Mr. Belvedere],
which is what this story is all about, of course. Another story
this week, from Washington state, seems to underscore the point. It
begins like a farmer's daughter joke, with a 20-year-old man
banging on a local farmer's door at 5 a.m.  When the farmer refused
to answer the door, according to the account in the Valley Daily
News, the man "jumped the farmer's fence, and sexually assaulted
one of his sheep."  I'm sure it surprises you that the man was
"apparently intoxicated."  Either that or he got too literal with
the words to "Embrace me, my sweet embraceable ewe."
     The first thing the farmer did was call 911. (I'd love to hear
a transcript of that conversation.)
     The second thing he did was grab his video camera.
     So now we can see the whole thing on one of those "America's
Funniest Barnyard Videos" within the next few weeks.
     And this, I fear, is where the reattachment story is headed.
     Talk show TV.
     Geraldo or Montei or Sally.
     As soon as this guy gets out of the hospital, he and his wife,
and I'm sure three other couples with the same story to tell --
aren't you amazed how they always find other couples with the same
story, even if the story is completely unbelievable, like being
snatched by a UFO and force-fed corned beef all the way to Venus? -
- will all be flown to New York to sit on a talk show set, and
earnestly discuss: "Together Again? Marriages on the Cutting Edge."

                         Tony Kornheiser

                        June 27, 1993

(Post hoc: Apparently Geraldo was the winner, because the doctor who
performed the reattachment operation appeared on his show today,
according to the owner of the newsstand in my office building, who
has the TV tuned to trash all day long)

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
"Gasoline and cheap perfume--half the smell of American adventure."
   --Norman Mailer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Wed, 30 Jun 1993 17:17:25 CST
From:         Terrie McMillan <TMCMILLA@SATURN.UARK.EDU>
Organization: University of Arkansas
Subject:      cute pg one bad word

This is my first post to the list, so be gentle ;)
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Three American scientists went to South America searching for the
rare Foo Bird.  They hired a native as their guide and were promptly
warned to wear what ever may fall onto them.  As their journey
progressed, the first scientist felt something hit his head.  It had
a terrible odor that he couldn't stand so he jumped into the river,
washed it off, and immediately fell dead.  The other two scientists
were astonished but they went on with their quest.  Soon, the second
scientist felt something hit his shoulder.  He tried to heed the
guide's warning but the stench was too great.  He, too, jumped into
the river, washed it off, and promptly died.  The third (and last)
scientist was determined to find the Foo and not fall victim as did
his colleagues.  He and the guide marched on through the jungle when
he felt something hit the back of his neck....

The moral is:

If the Foo shits, wear it
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, ok,  I can hear the groans already

Terrie
==========
Date:         Wed, 30 Jun 1993 23:21:29 -0400
              <DK75684@LTUVAX.BITNET>
From:         "Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone."
              <DK75684@LTUVAX.BITNET>
Subject:      Humorous limerick.  Overall content:  Incest,
              sexually explicit language.  Rated R.

There was a young man from St. Louis,
Who gave his dear sister a screw,
He said with a plomb,
"You're better then Mom!"
Said she, "That's what Dad told me, too."

==========
Date:         Thu, 1 Jul 1993 08:03:32 EDT
From:         Daniel Pugh <DPUGH@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU>
Subject:      Penis Humor

Here is this guy who rally takes care of his body.
He lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body.
He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except
his penis and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, strips completely and buries himself in
the sand except for his penis sticking up out of the sand.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one
looks down and says, "There's no justice in this world."

The other old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first lady says, "Look at that!"

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it ...

When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it ...

When I was 30, I enjoyed it ...

When I was 40, I asked for it ...

When I was 50, I paid for it ...

When I was 60, I prayed for it ...

When I was 70, I forgot about it ...

And now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild!"


Off to vacation, no more submissions from me for a while. Peace.
==========
Date:         Thu, 1 Jul 1993 09:41:16 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      English is a Crazy Language (fwd)

I came across this on the BORIKEN list and thought some might enjoy it here

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1993 07:53:14 EDT
From: Luis Ramos <ramos@KSR.COM>
To: Multiple recipients of list BORIKEN
<BORIKEN%ENLACE.BITNET@uga.cc.uga.edu>
Subject: English is a Crazy Language


                  English is a Crazy Language

   Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in eggplant
   nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.  English
   muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.  Sweetmeats
   are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

   We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
   that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig
   is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

   And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
   groce and hammers don't ham?  If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
   the plural of booth beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese? 
One
   index, 2 indices?

   Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that
   you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal?  If you have a
   bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you
   call it?

   If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats
   vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  If you wrote a letter, perhaps
   you bote your tongue?

   Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
   asylum for the verbally insane.  In what language do people recite at a
   play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Have
   noses that run and feet that smell?

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
   wise guy are opposites?  How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
   quite a lot and quite a few are alike?  How can the weather be hot as hell
   one day and cold as hell another?

   Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
   absent?  Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?  Met a
   sung hero or experienced requited love?  Have you ever run into someone
   who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?  And where are all
   those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a
fly?

   You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
   can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
   out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

   English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
   creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
   That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
   lights are out, they are invisible.  And why, when I wind up my watch, I
   start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.


   NOTE:  Author unknown to me.

   ------- End of Forwarded Message
==========
Date:         Thu, 1 Jul 1993 10:08:27 -0400
From:         Alex Tsekhansky <TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject:      Bastard Operator From Hell Part#15 (Computer Humor PG-13)

Subject: Bastard Operator From Hell. Part#15
Lines: 137
Group: Computer Humor
Rated: PG-13; some offensive language;


                        BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #13

I'm busy with my new shell replacement login script, and it's almost foolproof.
Let's just say it pops up with:

"Yes means No and No means Yes.  Delete all files [Y]? "

upon login.  I'm really starting to worry about the number of account breakins
we've been having recently....  The manager isn't though.  His main concern
appears to be the number of computer-related fatalities on campus.  Funny
world, isn't it?

I flip the excuse card.  "DOPPLER EFFECT"   Sounds implausible enough that
it's
plausable - with a little work of course.

The phone, the bane of my existance, rings.

"Hello, Computer Room"  I say, being helpful

"Is this the Technicians?" The caller asks.

Amazing the number of deaf people that use these things.  What the hell, I'm
bored..

"Yes it is" I lie (Nixon could've done with me)

"I've got a problem with my floppy drive, it doesn't seem to be reading all
the time"

"Hmmm.  How old is the drive?"

"About a year.."

"And it sometimes fails and sometimes works, but it's starting to fail more
and more?"

"YES!"

"Yeah, it's the Doppler effect of magnetism.."

"I thought that only happened with light and sound?"

>Bullshit mode ON<

"Yes, well it's been found that on a spinning surface, like a disk, the
particle's magnetic alignment changes, especially when the head is stationary
and slightly magnetised in respect to it."

"Duh.  Oh"

"So, what you need to do is to demagnetise the head.  Have you got a disk head
demagnetising loop?"

"Uh....  No?"

"OK, we'll have to do it the hard way.  Have you got your original diskettes
for your software?"

"Yeah."

"Right, chuck them in the drive, one by one, and format them."

"WHAT?!"

"Don't worry, it won't work - remember the drive is failing.  All that happens
is that the virgin magnetic field of the disks realigns the magnetic field of
the head, because they weren't written by a doppler effected drive."

"Oh, yeah!"

"So, when it gives you a write error and asks if you want to continue, you
say yes.  Do it with all your original diskettes, then, to complete the
demagnetising process, run a head cleaning diskette through the drive as
well, which will pick up the stray magenetic particles clinging to the head."

"Oh.  Ok. Thanks"

"Don't thank me - IT'S MY JOB"

I put the phone down, it rings again.  It's the big boss.

"Simon, could you come to my office please?"

>ALERT!<

Quick as I can, I press the panic button on our LAN-Analyser, or to be more
precise, the "Generate 90% random traffic" button

"Sure, would you like me to come now, or..

The other phone rings.  I chuck it on hands free

"Hello, Computer Room, Simon Here, How can I help?"

"THE NETWORK IS DOWN, ALL OUR PCS HAVE SHIT THEMSELVES!"
the voice on hands
-free screams into the mouthpeice of the other phone

"I see" I say calmly  "Yes, our Monitor shows it up, it looks to be a bad
segment of thinwire - please hold the line while I unplug it"

I press the "I just got a raise" button (AKA "Stop Traffic Generation") on the
Lan Analyser, and almost immediately the user shouts back "Excellent, it's
working now, thanks"

"That's ok, don't mention it.  Have a nice day"

The big-boss has been listening to all this, so I reckon that the trip to his
office won't be so bad after all.  I tell him I'll be right down as soon as
I secure the net and hang up.  On the way down, I invent a new buzzword
which
always keep management happy.  Complete Transient Lockout.  Sounds much
better
than pulling the plug.  Like Master-Reset sounds better than off-switch.

I get to his office and the staffing officer is there too.  Uh-oh.

"Simon - How would you like to be our System Manager?"

?!!!

"Well... I don't know, I like that hands on.."

"Extra 10 grand a year, Varisty Car.."

"Monaro?"

"Ok"

"Sold!"

        ....And so ends the saga, as it should have at #10.

=========

Hi, folks!

Did you enjoy this series?
I have many other computer stories to tell you.
Some of them were already posted (like "Alice in the Unix Land"
or "System Operators"), but some others I've never
seen in HUMOR (for instance, I don't remember post of
well-known "Real Programmers Don't use PASCAL" or may be I
just missed it).
If you'd like to hear about some specific computer humor or you
have interesting stories you don't have time to post, send a note
to me!

Sincerely yours, Alex Tsekhansky
(Tsa).

Internet: tsekhansky@scsud.ctstateu.edu
Voice:    (203) 288-6508
==========
Date:         Thu, 1 Jul 1993 09:12:54 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      10 Horrifying Secrets of Barney the Dinosaur

David Letterman's Top Ten Horrifying Secrets of Barney the Dinosaur

10.  Spent the 70's traveling around the country following the Grateful Dead.

9.   Stormy marriage to Tanya Tucker lasted only 6 days.

8.   Purple color the result of alcohol-induced hypertension.

7.   Bitterly refers to "E.T." as "The Luckiest Damn Space Monkey in
Hollywood"

6.   Bangs the production assistants as fast as they can hire them.

5.   Is the other half-brother of Roger Clinton.

4.   He and Mickey Rourke were forcibly ejected from the Golden Nugget
Casino
         in Las Vegas after assaulting a blackjack dealer.

3.   Before plastic surgery was one of the Jackson Five.

2.   Offered Fred Flintstone a million dollars for one night with Dino.

1.   Two words:  Silicone tail.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
F.Y.I.  Arsenio mentioned the guy that got he penis cut off in his monologue on
Tuesday.

C-ya
==========
Date:         Thu, 1 Jul 1993 12:21:51 EST
Comments:     Resent-From: Hue@USCN
Comments:     Originally-From: moore@tekelec.com
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Ps & Qs explanation

/Idioms and dead metaphors are among my favorite forms of
/humor.  Do you have any favorites to contribute?

Mind your Ps & Qs
Uppercase and Lowercase letters

When mechanical printing was accomplished (90+ years ago), the printing
press master was created by arranging individual letters onto a plate
and locking them into place.  You'd have all the As in one bin, all
the Bs in another bin, etc. so you had 26 bins + punctuation.
There were 2 cases of bins of letters, one case contained Capitals,
the other didn't.  The capital letters were in the upper case, the others
were in the lower case (bin).  Since the printing machines
forced the letters to be arranged upside down to the viewer, and
since the letters were in mirror writing, it was easy to confuse
an upside-down, backwards p with an upside-down, backwards q.

Source - Montgomery AL TV interviewed an elderly gentleman who
         currently owns/runs a turn-of-the-century printing press.
==========
Date:         Thu, 1 Jul 1993 17:38:13 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Doonesbury, Th Guardian newspaper

The British newspaper, The Guardian (that's the one for woolly-minded
liberals, such as myself ;) ), has been running a correspondence in its
letters page about the "Lorna Doone" theme in recent Doonesburys.
One writer criticised Trudeau for calling her Scottish, when "everyone
knows" that she came from the West Country. However, another followed up
giving chapter and verse to show that she had only married into a
family of West Country farmers, and that she was indeed descended from
Scottish nobility - quite a class leap for those days.

Oh well, for the obligatory humour, also from the Guardian (Diary column)
of 29 June: "And now some traffic news, followed by a birth announcement.
Motorists on the A40 in West London, enraged by the driver of the VW
Scirocco
who swerved across two lanes of traffic to skid into the Mobil filling station
near Acton, please read the following birth announcement:
'To Helen and Tim Murphy, suddenly at the Mobil filling station near Acton,
a daughter. Mother and daughter Stella, for the four-star petrol pump
which watched over her birth, doing fine.' "


Mike Ellwood Abingdon, GB (mwe@ib.rl.ac.uk)

"There is a woman in our town who stands on the street and hollers.
Everyone knows her, and people think she is a little insane.
But when you look at the state of the world today, perhaps the only sane
way to react is to shout and holler and scream.
Maybe those of us who don't holler are the insane ones"
- Someone
==========
Date:         Thu, 1 Jul 1993 10:46:54 PDT
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
From:         cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  1.N     A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago,
              big

-----------------------------------------------------------------

                                  OXYGEN

Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to these oxygen
concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very much those
of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.) In higher concentration e.g. about 20%,
the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it takes about 2.5 billion
inhalations before death takes place. The reason for the delay is the
difference in mechanism of the toxic effect of of oxygen in 20% concentration.
It apparently contributes to a complex process called aging, of which very
little is known, except that it is always fatal.

However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is the fact
that it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any considerable
decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with symptoms resembling
those of cyanide poisoning.

Concentrations higher than 20% decrease the above mentioned delay. High
oxygen concentration provokes in prematurely born babies placed in incubators
a condition known as retrolental fibroplasia resulting in blindness. Lung
irritation has been reported on experimental animals exposed for several days
to high oxygen concentrations.

Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All the fires that were reported in the
continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be due to
the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings in
question.

Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
tasteless, so that its presence cannot be readily detected until it is too
late.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Does anyone know why they have locks on the doors at 7-11 if they're
open 24 hours?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and [name your org]?.......
The Boy Scouts have adult leadership!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Three men were in the hospital waitng room while their respective wives
to deliver.  Finally a nurse comes out asking for Mr. J.
"Congratulations, you're the proud father of twins!"  "Isn't that
facinating, I come from Twin Forks."
and he runs off to see his family.  The nurse returns for Mr S.
"Congratulations, you're the proud father of triplets!"  "Isn't that
facinating, I come from the Triple Cities."  and he hurries off.
Immediately the third father stands up and starts to leave.    The
nurse stops him and inquires about where he's going.  "HOME", he
says, "to the Thousand Islands!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

To meet a project deadline, my programmers worked overtime for several
weeks.  On the final evening, one woman said: "Boss, do you have a
copy of the latest IRS tax regulations? There's something I want to look up."
  "What's that?" I asked.
  "Use of the office as a home."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Daffy-nitions

Fascinate:    Ma had nine buttons on her nightgown, but she could only
fascinate.
Pasteurize:   The water's only up to my neck, but it's pasteurize.
Gruesome:  My dad stopped shaving and gruesome whiskers.
Defeat of deduct go over defense before detail.
Analyze, anatomy:  My analyze over the ocean.
                   My analyze over the sea.
                   My analyze over the ocean.
                   Oh, bring back my anatomy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

  "Nowadays, when opportunity knocks, you have to unlock both deadbolts,
remove the chain, and turn off the burglar alarm..."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a pair of people who doubt the very existance of God?
A: A Diagnostic.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Two IBM salesmen were driving down a country road at high speed and passed
a pickup truck with an old couple inside.
"Look at those fools, pa!  Must be a couple of IBM salesman and they will
surely meet their maker soon, I tell you."
Well, sure enough, a little while later the couple comes across a bad
accident involving the two IBM salesmen.
"Well maw, we got to do what any good folk would do and give em a decent
burial."
So the couple dug a hole and buried the IBM salesman.  Just as they were
putting their tools away, a cop drives up.
"You folks see this accident?"
"No sir, but we knew them dang fools were going to have it when they passed
us doing a hunert miles an hour.  Well, we finally come across the accident
and gave them IBM salesman a decent burial"
"You were sure that they were dead??"
"Well, they said they weren't, but you know how those IBM salesmen
exaggerate!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Explain the distinction between the words "stationery" and "stationary:"
If I want to buy some writing paper and envelopes, I would go to a stationary
store, because the moving ones are too hard to find.
There are many types of engineers.  For example, automotive engineers design
cars, while stationery engineers design printing presses and embossing machines.
This is called a "spelling lessen" because it lessens your ability to spell
correctly.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The enlightenment generated by a seminary is measured in luminaries.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Message sent out:  If anyone is walking (or even sitting) around with a blue
Pilot pen with a transparent barrel which doesn't belong to them; I think it
is probably mine.  I've lost three.  They seem to have walked away from my
office.

The reply:  Reboot your office. They might come back.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

        What do you call a couch potato?
        A spec-tater!!
(with my apologies to those who thought my common-tater joke was bad...)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Werner von Braun said, "Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know
what I'm doing."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Loosely translated from the writings of technical journalists, personal
friends, a retired (retarded?) Army General....

                    HOW TO WRITE ENGLISH GOOD
          from the Casey Stengle School of Brooklynese

     (1)  Just between you and I case is important.
     (2)  Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
     (3)  Don't use no double negatives.
     (4)  A preposition is something you should never end a
          sentence with.  (or as Sir Winston Churchill once
          said; "This is the type of nonsense up with I will
          not put!").
     (5)  It is always good practice to never split infina-tives.

     (6)  About sentence fragments.
     (7)  Don't write a run-on sentance you have to punctu-
          ate it.
     (8)  When one is writing, it is important to maintain
          your point of view.
     (9)  Proofread your work. Do not tolerate mispellings!
     (10) Watch out for irregular verbs which have croped
          into the language.

     (11) Don't say the same thing more than once. It's
          redundant and repetious.
     (12) If the writer is considerate of the reader, he
          won't have a problem with ambiguous sentances.
     (13) This sentance no verb.
     (14) You should be aware of the conditional case if you
          was to use it.
     (15) The smothering of verbs is a cause of the weaken-
          ing of the sentance impact.

     (16) Avoid the utilization of enlarged words when shor-
          tened ones will do.
     (17) Perform a functional iterative analysis on your
          work to root out third generation transitional
          buzz words.
     (18) Make sure you hyp-henate properly.
     (19) Sentences should be written in the active voice
          when giving instructions, so that the subject of
          the action can be identified clearly.
     (20) Avoid the use of dyed-in-the-wool cliches.

     (21) The defacto use of foreign phrases vis-a-vis plain
          English in your written tete-a-tetes makes the
          sentance harder to understand.
     (22) Continuity of thought, logical development and
          smooth transitions are important. Never leave
          the reader guessing.
     (23) Beware of malapropisms. They are a communist sub-
          mersive plot.
     (24) Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
     (25) Each pronoun should agree with their antecedent.

     (26) It has come to our considered attention that in a
          large majority of cases, far too many people use a
          great deal more words than is absolutely necessary
          when engaged in the practice of writing sentances.
     (27) Be careful of dangling participles writing a paper.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

     Bad luck is having your operation by the winner of the local grammar
school's doctor-for-a-day contest

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Status: Most everything is functioning normally (except the users of course!).

-----------------------------------------------------------------

        Practicing medicine in the Bronx has its complications, but the
following is something even we don't have to put up with:

        DHAKA (Bangladesh):  At least 50 patients ran screaming
        from their beds after five cobras reared their heads in a
        packed ward on the third floor of Dacca Medical College
        Hospital, officials said yesterday.
             Hospital employees killed the poisonous snakes after
        Tuesday's fright, but snake charmers were summoned today
        in case more serpents were lurking in the hospital.

                              Craig Werner (MD/PhD '91)
==========
Date:         Thu, 1 Jul 1993 15:30:41 -0400
From:         Itchy 'N' Scratchy <LPD5002@NYSHESCV.BITNET>

Subject: blondes won't get this

Three guys walked into a bar.  One ducked.

If you were constipated before 1 A.D. did you take IMMODIUM B.C.?

>ouch!<
-DPM
==========
Date:         Thu, 1 Jul 1993 16:09:42 EDT
From:         Dan Brill <DBRILL@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      p's and q's

I had heard that p's and q's referred to pints and quarts.
As men were going out to the pubs in the olden days (or as they still do
if they are lucky enough to live in the UK), their wives would remind
them to watch their p's and q's -- i.e., not to drink and spend too
much.

Just another plausible explanation.

Peace.
==========
Date:         Thu, 1 Jul 1993 16:24:00 EDT
From:         Yves Delphin <YVES@JCSVAX1.BITNET>
Subject:      jokes...

Q. Where do Chinese wash themselves?
A. On the shores.
A bumper sticker reads like this:
Jimmy Carter is no longer our worst President.
==========
Date:         Thu, 1 Jul 1993 14:59:20 MDT
From:         Diane Stevens <dlstevens@ACADEMIC.CC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      Atomic humor

Two sodium atoms were walking along when the first one said to the second,
"I've lost an electron!"  Are you sure?" the second atom asked.
The first atom answered, "Yes, I'm positive!"

Diane L. Stevens
Government Documents Technician
Colorado College
Tutt Library
1021 N. Cascade Ave.
Colorado Springs CO 80903
719-389-6660
Internet: DLSTEVENS@CC.COLORADO.EDU
Bitnet: DLSTEVENS%CCNODE@COLORADO.BITNET
==========
Date:         Thu, 1 Jul 1993 19:25:09 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Do you know grammar?

YOUR WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN WASTED

  Nasrudin, ferrying a pedant across a piece of rough water, said
something ungrammatical to him.  "Have you never studied grammar?"
asked the scholar.

  "No."

  "The half of your life has been wasted."

  A few minute later Nasrudin turned to the passenger, "Have you
ever learned how to swim?"

  "No.  Why?"

  "Then all your life is wasted--we are sinking!"

==========
Date:         Thu, 1 Jul 1993 19:38:39 EST
From:         Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      GOP Humor?  Yeah, they really can be jokes.

In today's Columbus (Georgia) Ledger-Enquirer there is an ad for a fellow
who is apparently running for the 1996 Republican nomination for President.
In his ad, which he paid for, there are three photo, one of President
Clinton, one of Ross Perot, and one of Mark Tate.  Clinton & Perot are
dressed in business suites, while Tate is in military greens.  Under each
photo is a catchy caption.  I'll let you guess which caption goes with
each photo:

Mine nose have smelled the Flowers.

Mine ears have heard my voice.

Mine eyes have seen the glory.

There is no address to send money or letters of support to.  But
remember, you heard about Mark Tate first on HUMOR.  If he doesn't
get the nomination, maybe Ross Perot or Dan Quayle will pick him
for vice president.
==========
Date:         Fri, 2 Jul 1993 15:34:04 METDST
From:         Yeroon van den Berg <j.p.vandenberg@WB.UTWENTE.NL>
Subject:      Tales of the unexpected

Billy is in the bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o'clock,
another round is offered, and although he knows he shouldn't, he takes another
beer, simply because they taste just too well.
Anyway, after the final beer, he gets up from his stool and immediately drops
on the floor. That was not what he had expected. He knew he had had some,
but this...
All right, he tries to get up but again he falls. After some more attempts,
he gives up and decides to crawl home. At the door of his house he assumes it
is better not the stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and
wake up his wife. So he crawls quietly to his bed and slips in without his wife
noticing it.

The next morning his wife speaks to him furiously.
"Have you been drunk again last night?"
Billy is surprised and asks her how she knew.
"Well", she says, "they just called from the bar that you
had forgotten your wheelchair!"

Yeroon.
==========
Date:         Fri, 2 Jul 1993 15:31:49 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>

I read in the paper that a boy had been born in Israel, and he had no
eyelids.  When he was circumcised, the doctors used the foreskin to make
eyelids for the lad.  Everything worked out fine, but he was a little
cock-eyed.
==========
Date:         Fri, 2 Jul 1993 18:51:41 -0500
From:         "Joel L. Seber ... CH210" <JLS2013@TNTECH.EDU>
Subject:      A proverb for the 4th of July

Always remember,

      He who goes forth with a fifth on the Fourth
         may not come forth on the Fifth.

                                 - unknown
==========
Date:         Sun, 4 Jul 1993 20:27:12 EDT
From:         "BERTON_CORSON@mcimail.com"
<70473.1567@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject:      Definition of the term "PLOKTA".

Useful term someone made up below.  One is probably "plokta-ing", when
they telnet somewhere, and have no idea how to log off it.  First they
press all the keys, the function keys, and all control characters A to Z.
If that doesn't work they turn off and on their computer, try forcing
the modem to hang up, pull the plug, and if all else fails, throw the
whole computer out the window.  Anyway, this is all known as the
'plokta syndrome' as someone intelligently explained below:


plokta /plok'ta/ [Acronym for 'Press Lots Of Keys To Abort']  verb.
To press random keys in an attempt to get some response from the system.
One might plokta when the abort procedure for a program is not known,
or when trying to figure out if the system is just sluggish or really
hung.  Plokta can also be used while trying to figure out any unknown
key sequence for a particular operation.  Someone going into 'plokta mode'
usually places both hands flat on the keyboard and presses down, hoping
for some useful response.

==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 00:23:17 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Wisdom of humor

Favorite quips about humor:

  * Everything is funny as long as it happens to somebody else.

  * Humor is gravity concealed behind a jest.

  * A sense of humor is the only thing that keeps intelligent
   people from hanging each other.

  * It is not good joking with God, death, or the Devil.

  * A joke breaks no bones.

  * A joke is a very serious thing.

  * Jokes that give pain are no jokes.

  * A joke loses its punch when the teller laughs.

  * Many a true word is spoken in jest.

  * Joke with an ass, and he will flap you in the face with his tail.
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 08:04:00 EDT
From:         Bernadette C Himaras <bch@WARM.SEMCOR.COM>
Subject:      from my 7 year old

If your in Asia your an asian.

If your in America your an American.

What are you if your in the bathroom?


European (You're a peeing).




Bernadette Himaras
bch@warm.semcor.com
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 08:03:29 CST
From:         Herb Rotfeld <ROTFELD@BUSINESS.AUBURN.EDU>
Organization: College of Business @ Auburn Univ.
Subject:      course proposal for business majors  (long)

the following course proposal is excerpted from Marketing Educator,
Spring 1993 & Marketing News, August 3, 1992, under the title of
"WHAT SHOULD MARKETING STUDENTS LEARN?"
by Herbert Rotfeld, Associate Professor of Marketing
241 Business Building, Auburn University, Alabama  36849-5246

     College should improve a student's communication skills, but
students often want social skills to supplant education and
become a major portion of course credits toward their degree. Worried
about style, not substance, they demand that their academic program
teach them how to work in groups and how to make a presentation.
     To make time for this training, many students insist the
university abolish general education requirements that students
study philosophy, history or English.  "After all," they say,
"you only need that stuff if you are going to be a teacher."
     The marketing concept says that we should give the consumers
what they want.  And maybe you agree with the students.  To apply
the marketing concept to the education our consumers, the
students, think they need, the following course is proposed:

To: All interested College of Business Faculty
RE: New course for inclusion in business core requirements:
          "MEETINGS & PRESENTATIONS"

     Suggested as part of the business core course requirements,
this new course will teach students the nature of group work and
preparation for presentations.  Using a variety of vapid case
problems, "Business Meetings & Presentations" will emphasize the
presentations, not the analysis.  The nature of the cases is of
minor concern.  Students' grades will be based on the style of
presentations and meetings, not on the substance of the ideas
presented.
     As a prerequisite for all upper-level business courses, the
course will teach skills noted by many faculty as a major
importance in the "real world" ("reality," as such, being
generally undefined but apparently denoting all activities going
on outside the university).  Other courses might include these
concerns as minor part of the grade, but this course will make it
a priority and primary area of interest of the students'
education.
     Lectures will cover small group politics, construction of
slides and transparencies, use of tape recorders and videotapes,
style, fashion and wardrobe selection necessary to dress for
success.  Other topics could include public speaking, audience
impact of winter tans, contemporary hair styles and proper use of
cosmetics.  Jeans will be banned from class meetings; grades will
be penalized if business suits are not worn for presentations.
Jogging shoes, dogs, bicycles, gym shorts, disheveled hair,
backpacks and other articles a business manager might label as
"unprofessional" will also have a negative impact on grades.
     Students would complete one group mini-project and
presentation per week, with group composition altered for each
assignment to minimize some students' potential unfair advantage
via friendships developed outside class.  On one hand, the
students with the most friends will do the best work.  On the
other hand, this does reward students for political ability of
being liked by everyone, a true business skill well within the
goals of this course.  The instructor's evaluation of case
presentations will simply seek the minimal level of competence
that allows the audience to be swayed by the style of the
presentation.  The substance only need to be good enough such
that a good presentation will mask how it is substantively vapid.
     The "ability to work in groups" part grades will be based on
peer evaluations.  This will include students' ability to avoid
arguments, sexual attractiveness and the quality of liquor or
drugs served when acting as host or hostess for meetings.
Students with busy schedules, unlisted phone numbers, apartments
far from campus, as well as those who do not have answering
machines or cooperative roommates, will be penalized accordingly.
    Throughout the term, style (the "slickness" of
presentations) will be the focus for all grades, with points
depending on students wearing suits for presentations.  The
substance and content of ideas and insight of analysis will be
irrelevant as long as above discussed minimum conceptual
abilities are attained.  Some genetic factors relating to
physical attractiveness and freedom from speech impediments might
influence evaluations, but everyone knows that ugly people who
talk with a lisp can't succeed in business anyway.
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 08:24:01 CST
From:         Herb Rotfeld <ROTFELD@BUSINESS.AUBURN.EDU>
Organization: College of Business @ Auburn Univ.
Subject:      for real

from my student evaluations of the course.  the students are juniors
and seniors:

+"my grade was unfairly hurt by my in ability to write" (sic)

+"I was not motivated by always having my ideas challenged"

+"I would recommend this course only to a friend who likes to read"

+"you could tell it was an unfair course because the average grade
was a C"

+"I did not like being asked about the readings before the instructor
told me the answers of what parts we should know for exams."

+"I would recommend this course only to friend who likes doing
homework and writing term papers"

+"it was unfair that my grade was not as high as it might have been
if I had scored better when writing answers on test exams or typing
the writing for doing term papers. I think not that my grade might be
pulled down if the instructor has difficulty understanding what I
meant to say"

+"I did not like writing term papers"
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 08:59:02 EST
From:         Peter Greenberg <AISPG@CUVMC.BITNET>
Subject:      Spanky, Curly, and Herman

I'm sure Spanky and Curly made it, but does Herman Munster go to heaven?
Or does Grandpa rebuild him?  Sheesh...what a depressing week for the most
memorable comedians of my childhood.  C'mon, humor colleagues, how about
some
jokes to cheer us up!  Curly at the Purly gates.  Spanky as an angel(!)

Peter Greenberg
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 10:58:49 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Evaluations:

Herb Rotfield's evaluation post reminds me of a comment a colleague in the
math department here at Valdosta State got on one of his evaluations a
good number of years ago.  (He kept it on his office bulletin board until
he retired.)

     "Dr. Xxxxxx in a fair teacher, but his testes are too hard."
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 13:43:29 -0600
From:         "Stephen Davies, Mount Royal College,
              Calgary; Ph#(403)240-6019" <SDAVIES@MTROYAL.AB.CA>
Subject:      Gynecologist joke - cute, mildly sexual

        Q: What do puppies and near-sighted gynecologists have in common?
        A: They both have wet noses!
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 13:18:34 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      From the movie "Dave"

Here is a joke from the movie "Dave":

The woman I met was part Polynesian and part American.
I guess that makes her Amnesian.

BTW, "Dave" is a very funny and cute movie.  Two thumbs up!
P.S. Yes, it does get better after the first five minutes.
==========
Date:         Tue, 6 Jul 1993 15:48:45 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <SLF@UGA.BITNET>
Subject:      DISGUSTING/INCEST RATED X

One day a teenaged girl asked her father if she could borrow the car.
She had just gotten her drivers permit, and wanted to go out with
her friends.
Her father told her that she could borrow the car ....IF
she would suck him off.

She promptly said NO WAY! and went to her room.
She called her friends and told them that she could not
get the car.
Her friends told her that she had to get the car because
there was a BIG party that night and EVERYONE was going to be there.

It took a while but her frineds finally convinced her to do
"whatever it takes to get the car."

The girl wondered around the house for a while and finally got her
nerve up to ask her dad again.

His reply was the same. "If you suck me off you can borrow the car."

Tempted by the huge party, she told him okay.
He dropped his pants and she comminced to sucking him off.

She immediately raised her head and replied
"DADDY, THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!"
 He said that she would get used to it, and to keep on going.
she said , "No, Daddy it really tastes like SHIT! REAL SHIT!"

Then the father replied...

"OH YEAH, I FORGOT, YOUR BROTHER HAS THE CAR TONIGHT!"
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