 
 John's DinerBird Brainby Del Freeman
 
     
          "Public Library," said the voice.
          "Yeah, I wanna know about birds," Ruby Begonia told it.
          "Hold please." She waited. And waited. Finally another voice
     came on the line.
          "Aviary facts," said the new voice.
          "Yeah, uh, I got some questions," said Ruby Begonia.
          "Haven't we all," murmured the voice, and then louder,
     "Exactly what is the nature of your concern?"
          "Well, it's about birds, see. This is the bird question
     department, ain't it?"
          "This is the source of aviary information, yes. What might
     those questions be?"
          "Well, there's these two birds, see. One's a great big blue
     and gold one and the other one's about the size of a pigeon, kind
     of a yuck gray with a red tail. Without that tail he'd really be
     a dud, too," said Ruby.
          "Yessss? And your point?"
          "Well, just what can they do?" asked Ruby.
          "Do?" asked the voice. 
          "Yeah, do. You know...like stand up comedy? Open-heart
     surgery? What?"
          "That sounds like a Blue and Gold Macaw and an African Grey.
     One is a South American bird and the other is from Africa, and both
     are capable of speech. The African Grey, in particular, can emulate
     the sound of a human's voice. They are frequently kept as household
     pets. They do not do stand-up comedy or open heart surgery. They
     are birds," said the voice decisively.
          "Yeah, okay. Right. So... like, they couldn't be actors or
     magicians or nothin?"
          "That is impossible," judged the voice.
          "They couldn't like sing and dance or nothin?"
          "Well, provided they were taught simple melodies such as,
     perhaps, 'Row, row, row your boat,' or something of that nature,
     they might emulate that sound, but they're not suddenly going to
     break out into the score from Kiss of the Spider Woman," said the
     voice, sounding amused.
          "Okay, how about 'tude?" asked Ruby.
          "Tude?" questioned the voice.
          "Yeah, you know... nasty, like being insulting and stuff."
          "Attitude?" asked the voice. "Well, generally a bird will
     reflect the posture it is taught, but they are also capable of
     thought process. An insulting vocalization is probably beyond
     their means, however; they would tend to bite rather than 
     think and verbalize such a sophisticated behavior. Think of them
     as having the ability to think like a two- to five-year old, and,
     if taught the vocabulary to go with their abilities, they will
     verbalize and posture love, want, happiness, and need.  Not hate."
          "So, the big one, he couldn't, say, decide he doesn't like a
     particular person who has done absolutely nothing to make him
     dislike her? I mean, he couldn't say start screaming every time he
     sees me, er, her, and start threatenin' to pierce my... er, her
     nose, or nothin'?" Ruby asked.
          "Well, a bird who is tormented by a particular human will come
     to know that human by a combination of senses, smell and sound as
     well as sight. Such a situation might warrant a withdrawn behavior
     in the bird, or, in some cases, an aggressive stance, but the bird
     would still be incapable of generating a litany of discourse on its
     own. It is, still, a bird, you know."
          "And it can't saw anybody in half? Or play the part of a
     doctor on a soap opera? Or sign autographs? Or..."
          "Madam," interrupted the authoritative voice, "we are speaking
     of a large, intelligent parrot species. This is an animal with a 
     small but highly evolved brain. It has a thinking process, a memory, 
     and survival instincts. It is trainable and can become quite domestic,
     making a good pet. It will demonstrate affection and have moods,
     just like any other thinking creature. However, birds do not practice
     philosophy and they cannot, without	a tremendous amount of training 
     and practice, get down on one knee and sing 'Mammy.'" 
          "Yeah. Right." said Ruby. "That's just what I told 'em. It's
     inconceefa... um, it ain't so. Birds is freakin' birds, right?"
          "Precisely right, madam. Was there anything else?"
          "No. Thanks. I 'preciate it."
          Click. Buzz.
                                    ***
          "Yo, Chambers people, front and center," Ruby yelled as she
     entered John's Diner.
          John and Lucia came out of the kitchen and looked at her. She
     was laden with tomes which she'd obviously hauled over from the
     library. They noticed the books were a variety of works on birds.
     They waited.
          "Have I got a flash for you," Ruby promised, dumping her books
     onto the counter and beginning to thumb through a particularly
     large one.
          Cosmo looked up from his perch atop the podium where he'd been
     studying the seating chart for the evening rush. He caught Zack's
     eye and the two of them began to screech in unison:
          "Ruby alert. Ruby alert. Douchebag visit. Douchebag visit."
          "Stop that!" ordered Ruby. "You can't do that."
          "Can't?" asked Cosmo, lifting one eyebrow. "Can't is a
     relative term. Descartes said..." he began.
          "And you can't do that, either," Ruby whirled and pointed at
     him. "That's philosophy, so there."
          "And what is it you have against philosophy?" asked Cosmo,
     conversationally.
          "Well, it's mostly sort of thoughty stuff that has nothing to
     do with the price of eg..., WAIT A MINUTE! Don'cha think you can
     get me into a conversation with you." She eyed him thoughtfully.
     "Pretty good trick, Cosmo," she acknowledged. "I guess you think
     if you can get me to talk to you then nobody will know you're a
     bird, but I know you're a bird and I know he's a bird," pointing
     to Zack, "and I happen to know that neither of you can talk.
          Cosmo looked at her sardonically.
          "Well, that is, you can talk, but you can only say what we
     teach you to say. And you can't sing 'Mammy,' either, so there!" 
     she announced triumphantly.
          Cosmo immediately stuck his face into the ashtray, achieving
     a black face effect from the ashes, and dropped to one knee.
          "..."I'd walk a mill-yun miles for one of your smiles..."
          "STOP THAT!" shouted Ruby. "Don'cha understand? You CAN'T DO
     THAT! You're a bird. You're a freakin' bird, man."
          Cosmo straightened, shook the ashes from his face, and peered
     at Ruby. He noted the flushed face, the wide eyes. 
          "Zack, check her pulse, would you?" he asked. Zack promptly
     leapt onto Ruby's wrist and counted silently. Ruby stared at him
     in horror.
          "140 over 80," Zack told Cosmo. "She looks like she's
     hyperventillating," he opined.
          Lucia took Ruby gently by the arm and led her to a corner
     booth. She murmured soothingly at Ruby, who had begun to twitch
     uncontrollably. 
          "He's a freakin' bird," repeated Ruby. "The library lady said
     he was. She said it was impossible for him to practice philosophy. 
     He can't sing 'Mammy,' she said. She said it was imcompara... 
     uh, incompren... she said he couldn't do it."
          "Yes, Ruby. There, there," murmured Lucia. "Calm down. It'll
     be all right. John, fix Ruby a nice cup of tea, would you?"
          John turned and headed for the kitchen. Cosmo methodically
     flipped through his abnormal psychology 101 textbook.
          "He can't read, either," observed Ruby. "He's a bird, man.
     Don'cha unnerstand? He ain't got no brain. Well, he's got a brain
     but it's miscrotropic... uh, macadam..., uh, it's really tiny. HE
     CAN'T READ AND HE CAN'T DO MAGIC AND HE CAN'T DO SURGERY!!! Why
     doesn't anybody understand?" she whined.
          John returned with the tea and Lucia forced some between
     Ruby's lips. Her color began to return to normal. She sat up and
     shook herself soundly. She glared at Cosmo and Zack.
          "Those two," she pointed at the offending couple, "can't do
     any of these things you think they do. Oh, I know, you think they
     do, but they don't."
          Ruby stood. Ruby towered over the Chambers clan and gazed
     disdainfully down at them. 
          "Just wait. You'll see. I'm gonna' prove it if it takes the
     rest of my life. They're birds, man. They can't think and they
     can't sing and dance or tell jokes or be actors. They're freakin'
     birds," she pronounced, retrieved her books and swept from the
     diner.
          "Say, Zack," said Cosmo, studying his text book, "you know,
     I think I must be developing a split personality. Perhaps there is
     another someone living inside me, aching to break free."
          Zack gave Cos a questioning look.
          "Well, you know, I almost feel sorry for that twit," Cosmo
     admitted. 
          "She did seem sort of shook up," John agreed. "Somebody ought
     to keep her away from the library."
          "And the college," Cos concurred. "Thank God we didn't send
     her an invitation to my graduation. She'd really go off the deep
     end if she knew I'm graduating with a 4.0 average as valedictorian
     of my class, huh?"
          Zack nodded. 
          "We'd better not let her know about the Bud Lite commercial,
     either," Lucia said.
                                    -end-
                       Copyright (c) 1993 Del Freeman
