 
 John's DinerScarbeakby Del Freeman
 
     
          Michael Hahn noted that John Chambers's attention was fixed
     on the plate glass window of John's Diner, from which faint
     muffled shrieks of joy intermittently pierced the quiet of the
     diner's interior.  Michael dawdled over his breakfast and
     watched, as a look of incredulity crossed John's face.
          "LUCIA!!" Michael clapped his hands over his ears in
     reaction and looked, horrified, at John.  "Please don't do that,
     it makes my eggs vibrate." Lucia stuck her head out of the
     kitchen He gave John a questioning look and pointed at the
     diner's glass front.
          "Haiiy-Yeeee-Yah!" they heard.  The sound was followed
     shortly by the sight of Cosmo dangling upside down, a cord
     tied to his ankle, a Rambo doll protective helmet covering
     his head, as it bounced inches from the curb.
          "Yeah?" said Lucia.  "And so what?  He's molting again.
     You know it always depresses him and makes him do crazy things."
     She walked over to the window and peered down at the still
     jiggling Cosmo, who caught her eye and winked.  "At least he's
     wearing a helmet.  This is safer than that roller-blade kick he
     was on last month," she told John.
          "Just watch," John directed.  "Hoo-boy, Wockle,
     Wheeeeeeeee!" they heard, as a second cord dropped from the roof
     to dangle next to Cosmo.  It had something on the end of it...
     something grey...  something with a Ken doll helmet and a red
     tail.  "OHMYGOD, IT'S ZACK," said the Chambers in shocked
     unison.
          "Yo, paternal units," greeted a still-helmeted Cosmo as he
     sauntered into the diner.  "What's shakin?"
          John glared at him and motioned that Lucia would do the
     talking.  "Cos, just what do you think you're doing?" she began.
          "Just putting a little spice in the old life, mama.
     Walking on the wild side, as it were," he answered.  "What's the
     prob?"
          John couldn't stand it.  "What's the Prob?!?  What's the
     PROB???  I'll tell you what the PROB is, you delinquent..." the
     veins stood out on John's neck and his face turned a mottled
     cranberry.
          Cosmo watched in fascination.  "Wow," said Cosmo.  "That's
     neat," he said in wonder.
          "I'll give you neat, you feathered fiend," promised John,
     batting the fly swatter in Cosmo's direction.  "What the bloody
     hell do you think you're doing dragging Zack into your
     hair-brained schemes?"
          "Hey!  Chill, man," said Cosmo.  "Zack's tired of just
     rolling over for you.  Don'cha think he wants to have a little
     fun, too?"
          "That isn't fun, Cosmo," said Lucia.  "That is dangerous.
     Bungee jumping has been outlawed in several states because of
     its danger.  You shouldn't be doing it yourself, and you
     certainly shouldn't be encouraging Zack to do it."
          "Dangerous?" asked Cosmo, fixing his mistress with a bright
     eye.  "What's dangerous about it?"
          "You could get killed, you imbecile," John pointed out.
     "Aren't you listening?"
          "Sure I'm listening," said Cosmo.  "Killed how?"
          "By falling to your death, you ninny.  By having the rope
     break and dump you on your stupid head and break your bloody
     neck, that's how," said John.
          "Yeah?" Cosmo grinned.  "How?"
          "Cosmo, don't you her a word we're saying?  Several, I
     repeat, several people have been killed trying this all over the
     country.  It's no laughing matter," said Lucia.  "The equipment
     can be faulty, the ankle strap can be improperly attached.
     Nothing falls up, Cosmo.  Why, even jumps over water can be
     dangerous in case of a fall."
          "These people that were killed," Cos reflected aloud,
     "...they fell?"
          "Yes," said John and Lucia.
          "...And the sudden stop killed them?"
          "Yes," said John and Lucia.
          "Well, no sweat, man," he decreed.
          "What do you mean, 'no sweat'?" demanded John.
          "Just that.  No sweat.  Look, tell me this...  these people
     - the ones who bungee jumped to death...  could any of them
     fly?"
          "Of course no..." John began.  He looked at Lucia.  She
     shrugged and held up her hands in the age-old gesture of defeat;
     motioned for him to close his gaping jaw.
          The Chambers went back to their duties in the diner and
     Cosmo went back up to the roof.  Soon the two miscreants could
     be heard to shriek "Bonsai" and "Look out below" as they jumped
     again from the rooftop, this time in unison.  As they bobbled at
     the end of their respective bungee cords, John sadly observed
     his heretofore well-behaved African Grey being corrupted by the
     incorrigible Cosmo.  "Gee," he said wistfully to Lucia, "I hope
     they won't take to going to the Hawk's Nest Bar for a couple of
     cold brews afterward." 
          "Better that than a trip to Toys R Us," said Lucia.  "They
     just got in a whole shipment of Barbie accoutrements.  I can
     just see Cosmo now roaring around town in that Corvette
     convertible, pulling Zack behind him on the Ken skateboard.
          "Ah, Jesus," moaned John, dropping his head into his hands.
          "Mr. Chambers?  Mr. John Chambers?" asked the
     official-sounding voice.
          "Yessss," admitted a hesitant John.
          "I'm Captain Burke, Virginia State Police," said the voice.
     "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come down to the
     station and identify one Cosmo Chambers and his partner in
     crime." 
          "What?  What happened?" asked John.  "What did they do?"
          "They entered the corner 7-11 at 2:43 p.m. this afternoon
     wearing Barbie doll stockings over their heads and brandishing
     miniature Rambo-doll Uzis.  The smaller of the two might get off
     as an accomplice, but the big one is in it up to his eyeballs.
     Drew down on the clerk and demanded a case of select cashews and
     a swivel-hipped Elvis keychain that caught his eye.  Hollered to
     the littler fella' 'Cheese it.  The coppers' when he heard the
     siren.  We got it all on tape.  Damnedest thing I ever saw."
          "Oh, my God, Officer.  I'm so sorry.  We'll be right down,"
     John assured the policeman.  "Are they all right?" 
          "They're fine," said the officer.  "Take your time.  We're
     still trying out how to fingerpr...  uh, footpri..., uh,
     clawpr..."
                        
                                  -end-
                     Copyright (c) 1993 Del Freeman
