     
            ROTFL Digest!   Volume 2, Issue 8   Sept/Oct  1995     
                      You deserve a laugh today!                   
                                                                   
                  Published by Access Media Systems                
           Voice: 905-847-7143           Fax: 905-847-7362         
                                                                   
       Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes  
                                                                   
     
       Contents:                                                   
                                                                   
       Editorial                                                   
       Likely Stories!                                             
       The Ultimate Flame                                          
       Application To Be A Net Penpal                              
       The Way You Post Email Reveals Your Personality             
       Telling A Joke To My Nephew Steven                          
       OJ Simpson Freed Due To Too Much Evidence                   
       Windows 95: Is It For You? Is It For Anyone?                
       Are You A Netdweeb? Take This Quiz And Find Out!            
       Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                        
                                                                   
     

    Editorial
    ---------

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've been cheating by doubling up on some recent
issues of ROTFL Digest. I hope the quality of those issues have made
up for the lack of quantity.

Don't forget to send me your jokes and funny stories! You could win
a prize!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
   All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original
   material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will
   be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

     ---------------------------------------------------------------
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    | Email:   sandy.illes@canrem.com  or  sandyi@pathcom.com       |
    | Netmail: Sandy Illes 1:250/710                                |
    |                                                               |
    | All submissions become the property of Access Media Systems   |
    | only for purposes of publication in ROTFL Digest. The author  |
    | retains all copyrights eternally for any other purpose.       |
    |                                                               |
    | ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes    |
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    |                                                               |
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    | Violators will be persecuted to the fullest extent of         |
    | our fists.                                                    |
     ---------------------------------------------------------------

   LIKELY STORIES
   --------------

   UNLIKELY SAVIORS

   Los Angeles, Calif. - A suicidal man who handcuffed himself before
   plunging off a pier was rescued by Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss,
   Dr. Steve Hoefflin (Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon), and TV
   medical reporter Dr. Bruce Hensel. While attending a function, they
   heard a splash and saw the unidentified man who had made the
   15-metre leap into the Pacific Ocean. Hoefflin jumped into the
   water while Fleiss and Hensel called 911.
   Wonder how much Heidi charges for mouth-to-mouth?

   DOUBTLESS, THE TOE TAGS ARE COMPLIMENTARY

   Lexington, Ky. - The Best Western Gratz Park Inn claims to have a
   couple of ghosts. It used to be a morgue.
   "Would you like two doubles, a king-sized bed, or a slab?"

   A VERY BAD HAIR DAY

   Barrie, Ont. - An unidentified 17-year-old woman getting ready
   for a wedding - furious that her bangs were cut too short -
   chopped off the stylist's hair in a wild melee. The woman, who
   had originally even given a tip, returned and got a refund but
   remained unsatisfied. The hairdresser received a minor cut and
   four bald spots during the fracas. The woman faces two charges
   of assault with a weapon.
   Hair today, gone tomorrow, hmmmm?

   PROOF THAT THE WORLD MUST BE ENDING SOON

   New York, N.Y. - A new English translation of the New Testament
   will eliminate references to God the Father, turn the Son of Man
   into "the human one," and remove accusations that Jews killed
   Christ. "The New Testament and Psalms: An Inclusive Version"
   says children should not obey their parents but heed them.
   Darkness is no longer equated with evil because of racist
   overtones and the Lord's Prayer now begins "Our Father-Mother
   in heaven."
   Aw heck, why not go all the way and condone adultery, murder,
   and the worship of Satan?

   "WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION"

   Brampton, Ont. - A 15-year-old boy has been arrested for robbing
   a children's lemonade stand at knife point. The 9-year-old girls
   running the stand said he bought a drink for 25 cents and then
   watched the girls from across the street. A few minutes later,
   he returned, asked for a refill, then pulled out a kitchen
   paring knife and waved it in their faces. The girls fled in
   terror and were not injured. The boy scooped up about $6 in
   loose change and ran off.
   Just reach for the stars, eh, kid?

   DUH-H-H-H!

   Portage des Sioux, Mo. - When applying for public assistance,
   20-year-old Regina Louise Vaughan named a then 13-year-old as the
   father of her baby. Vaughan, who regularly babysat the boy, has
   been charged with statutory rape.

   BABES OF THE INFOHIGHWAY

   Chicago, Il. - Playboy is hitting the information highway in
   search of women for a special "Girls of the Net" pictorial.
   Would-be bunnies should email a clear face shot and a recent
   full-length body photo in a two-piece bathing suit (or less)
   to: photo@playboy.com (Attn: Net Girls). Participants must be
   18 or over and include two I.D's showing their date of birth,
   name, height, weight, measurements, phone number, and favorite
   Internet sites. Those without a scanner can mail the photos
   and information to Playboy Magazine (Attn: Net Girls), 680
   N. Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Il, 60611.
   Now we'll find out what the girls in alt.sex.kinky REALLY look
   like!

   LAWSUIT-HAPPY PEOPLE

   Bridgeport, Conn. - The family of Jefferson Ketcham filed a
   lawsuit against Cobb's Mill Inn and its waiter Paul Kane for
   negligence because even though Kane drove the intoxicated Ketcham
   home from the bar as a favor, he did not accompany him into the
   house. Ketcham tripped on the front steps, hit his head, and died.

   SOMETHING IS NOT QUITE RIGHT ABOUT THIS LAWSUIT

   San Diego, Calif. - Bob Glaser, claiming he suffered "emotional
   trauma" during an Elton John-Billy Joel concert, has filed a
   $5.4 million lawsuit. His problem? Some women, fed up with the
   long lines for the restroom, decided to use the men's room.
   Glaser claimed to be "extremely upset" at the sight of a woman
   in front of him using a urinal.
   Most men would be willing to PAY to see a woman use a urinal.

   TRYING DESPERATELY TO MAKE CRIME PAY

   Chesapeake, Va. - Inmate Robert Lee Brock sued himself for $5
   million, claiming he had violated his religious beliefs and
   civil rights by getting so drunk that he engaged in various
   crimes. Since he didn't have the money to pay himself, he
   requested the state to pay it on his behalf because he couldn't
   work and was a ward of the state. In one of those moments of
   clear judicial insight, Judge Rebecca Beach Smith dismissed the
   lawsuit.

   A TALE OF KARMIC JUSTICE

   Toronto, Ontario - A stabbing victim discovered he was
   sharing a hospital room with his alleged attacker and
   pointed the man out to the police. The 19-year-old victim
   was stabbed three times - once in the throat - as he was
   paying for a pizza at a store. The attacker took $20 from him
   and fled but several men threw rocks at the thief, hitting
   him on the head. Wilbur Dexter James, 39, was charged with
   robbery and assault with a weapon. Watch this space for the
   attacker's followup lawsuit in which he will undoubtedly
   claim unnecessary violence was used against him, that he
   still suffers from persistent headaches which can only be
   cured by several million dollars, and that being imprisoned
   is a violation of his civil rights.

   SHE'S NOT LOOKING FOR A MAN LIKE DEAR OLD DAD

   Model Mia Tyler, daughter of Aerosmith's Steven Tyler, had
   this to say about her dad: "He stands there and he's groping
   himself and he is 46 years old. He should not be doing that.
   It disgusts me. He tells me that the young kids like it."
   And then parents wonder why it's so hard to get some respect
   from their children...

   GET INSURANCE BEFORE GOING TO THESE PLACES

   London, England - The British Consumers' Association did a
   survey and found that the most dangerous places for tourists
   to visit were Hungary, Poland, and South Africa. The survey
   of 16,000 people indicated that one in 20 visitors to these
   countries are attacked. Despite a wave of recent bad publicity,
   only 0.3 percent reported being mugged in Florida. I guess you
   have to be Canadian to be properly attacked in the Sunshine
   State.

   WAL-MART CAN'T STAND THE TINIEST BIT OF HEAT

   Miami, Florida - An unnamed customer complained about a
   T-shirt with the slogan "Someday a woman will be president"
   so a Miami Wal-Mart yanked them from the shelves. This isn't
   even catering to the politically correct - this is catering
   to rednecks. Probably the complainee wears T-shirts that say
   things like "10 Reasons Beer is Better than Women."

   ANOTHER FAIRYTALE WEDDING

   Tehran, Iran - A bride who had a Western-style wedding has
   been sentenced by an Islamic court to 85 lashes for dancing
   with men at her wedding. The 127 guests at the wedding
   received sentences of floggings or fines, and one man was
   jailed. Which begs the question: What, exactly, are people
   allowed to do at an Islamic wedding? Crochet? Crossword
   puzzles? Shuck corn?

   SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM

   New York, N.Y. - A federal judge has ruled that Hormel Foods
   Corp. cannot prevent Jim Henson Productions from using a
   wild boar Muppet named SPA'AM in the Muppet Treasure Island
   movie to be released in February 1996. Hormel alleged that
   the depiction of the character SPA'AM as a "grotesque and
   noxious appearing wild boar" that is "evil in porcine form"
   would discourage people from buying the luncheon meat. U.S.
   District Judge Kimba Wood said it was unlikely people would
   confuse the two. Judge Wood has obviously never tasted SPAM
   or he'd understand why Hormel had to file the lawsuit.

   BARBIE BEGETS VIOLENCE

   Modesto, Calif. - A 6-year-old girl stabbed a 7-year-old
   playmate in the back with a steak knife in a fight over
   Barbie dolls. Doesn't anyone's mother tell the kids to
   "Play nicely" anymore???

   TOO WEIRD TO HAVE A TITLE

   Ovda Air Force Base, Israel - A hijacker seized control of
   a plane containing more than 170 people who had intended to
   do some duty-free shopping in the Persian Gulf. The plane
   landed at a remote base in the Israeli desert and the
   hijacker asked for asylum - but here's the kicker - so did
   some of the passengers. The hijacker said he was sick of
   being in Iran and asked for political asylum in the U.S.

   ANOTHER NEGLIGENT U.S. DOCTOR STORY

   Pittsburgh, Pa. - A Pennsylvania couple have charged the
   surgeon who operated on their daughter last year with
   removing an ovary and a fallopian tube instead of the girl's
   appendix. Hey, at least he didn't cut off a leg by accident.

   TAKE THE PEPSI CHALLENGE, EH?

   Mississauga, Ont. - A man pretending to be a driver for the
   Montreal trucking firm of C.G. Transport persuaded a Pepsi
   distribution company to load up his truck with pop. The
   driver, who didn't work for the company, signed for the load
   of Pepsi and left. Police are searching for the 1,500
   missing cases of soft drink valued at $30,000. Yet one more
   reason why Pepsi isn't "The real thing."

    SO WHAT SHOULD WE CALL IT, HMMM?

    Wellington, New Zealand - Jacques Le Blanc, France's
    ambassador to New Zealand, objects to the use of the word
    "bomb" when referring to French underground nuclear tests
    in the Pacific. He told New Zealand's National Press Club,
    "I do not like the word 'bomb.' It is not a bomb, it is
    a device which is exploding." You heard it here first,
    folks - exploding devices are not necessarily bombs.

    $10 MILLION IS $10 MILLION, NO?

    Stamford, Conn. - In February, the Women's Tennis
    Association Tour turned down a $10 million sponsorship
    offer from Tampax. WTA president Martina Navratilova
    said the organization feared the stigma and being "a
    laughing stock." Martina, as we know, doesn't buy
    Tampax - she rolls her own.

    "COP"-OUT

    Milton, Ontario - Stephen Patterson has been fined
    $1,500 and ordered to perform 150 hours of community
    service for driving the wrong way on Highway 401
    while impaired. His blood alcohol level was twice the
    legal limit. What makes this story noteworthy is that
    Patterson is a police officer. Peel police Superintendent
    Daniel Banting said of Patterson - a 19-year police
    veteran - that he is "if not the premier investigator in
    Number 12 division, (is) certainly one of the most
    outstanding police officers I've known." And then we
    wonder why so many crimes remain unsolved...

    ANOTHER BRILLIANT MIND RUINED BY ALCOHOL, EH?

    Toronto, Ontario - Vincent Murphy, 27, was so drunk
    while robbing a home that instead of fleeing when
    confronted by the homeowners, Murphy went to the
    bathroom. The husband followed and detained him in the
    kitchen until the police arrived.

    KEEPING CRIME IN THE FAMILY

    Hamilton, Ontario - Police believe a 4-year-old girl
    was coached into crawling on her hands and knees into
    store jewelry cabinets where she scooped up the
    jewelry. Police learned of the scheme when staff at
    Shira's Fine Jewellery viewed a security video and
    realized that $20,000 worth of jewelry had gone missing
    right from under their noses. Six adults who are
    alleged to have masterminded the scheme have been
    charged with theft over $5,000. Which reminds me of an
    old saying: The family that does crime together, does
    time together.

    FINALLY, A LEGAL DRUG WITH A GREAT HIGH

    Clomipramine, marketed under the brand name Anafranil,
    is a drug used to treat depression that has one
    remarkable side effect: some users who take it have
    an orgasm when they yawn. The drug affects both men
    and women. One woman in a Canadian study asked
    researchers "how long she would be 'allowed' to take
    the drug." A married man in his mid-20s found the side
    effect "awkward and embarrassing," but solved his most
    urgent problem by wearing a condom continuously. Linda
    Mayer, a spokesman for Ciba, the company that
    manufactures clomipramine, said this side effect is
    rare. Okay, the line for clinical trials forms on the
    right...

    PENIS ENVY?

    Brantford, Ontario - Robert Douglas, 35, was convicted
    of sexually assaulting another man despite claims he
    couldn't rape because his penis is too small. Douglas
    claimed to be physically incapable of performing the
    sexual assault due to his 2-inch penis and the inability
    to have an erection. Most men I know would rather go to
    jail than publically admit having a 2-inch penis.

    OH SURE... THAT'LL MAKE HER WANT HIM BAD

    Manila, Philippines - Ricardo de la Gracia, 45, upset
    that his wife refused to have sex with him, set his
    home ablaze and burned down 70 others as well. His
    wife told investigators she rejected his advances because
    he smelled of liquor and she told him to take a bath
    first. I guess burning down the neighbourhood seemed much
    more reasonable to him than taking a bath.

    CRIMINAL LOGIC

    Niagara Falls, Ontario - A female store clerk was
    confronted by a gun-toting bandit who, after taking the
    money, told her the robbery was the fault of government
    cutbacks. Welfare cheques had been slashed by 21.6% the
    previous weekend. I guess armed robbery might seem more
    profitable than working to the clue-impaired, but let's
    see how much they like having a wife named Spike once
    they get caught.

    A BANG-UP JOB

    London, England - A British fireworks factory was
    demolished when burglars tried to open its doors with an
    oxyacetylene torch and made the contents explode. Police
    have dubbed the robbers the "hole in the wall gang."

_________________________________________________________________________

        THANK YOU FOR YOUR FLAME        (c)1995 Sandy Illes

        Your recent reply has warmed my heart as well as other
        exterior body parts. I thank God every day that you
        are willing to let the sun continue to shine. It must
        be so lonely in this world for one of such immortal
        stature as yourself.

        Although your post contained (pick as many as required):

        __ Spelling mistakes
        __ Grammatical errors
        __ An off-topic message
        __ Language that could curl Rambo's hair
        __ A profusion of fallacies
        __ Proof that you are probably legally insane
        __ An X-rated GIF of your mother

        it isn't necessary to apologize since I know how hard it
        must be for a God-like creature such as yourself to rule
        the world and still have time to proof-read.

        In the future, I intend to (pick as many as required):

        __ Build a monument to you out of manure, as befits your
           stature
        __ Kill your dog
        __ Give your name to Rush Limbaugh and tell him that
           you're a LIBERAL
        __ Turn you in as a tax cheat
        __ Mail your boss that X-rated GIF of you and the German
           Shepherd in the hot tub
        __ Ignore you and hope you'll go away


        It is with great hope that I tell you:

        __ Get a life
        __ Grow up
        __ Try using Neet to get rid of the hair on your palms
        __ Go tell someone who cares


        You are cordially invited to f*ck off at your earliest
        convenience. F*ck you very much.
_________________________________________________________________________

      ________________________________________________________________
     |   APPLICATION TO BE A NET PENPAL         (c)1995 Sandy Illes   |
     |________________________________________________________________|
     |                                                                |
     |  PART I                                                        |
     |                                                                |
     |  Please answer yes or no:                                      |
     |                                                                |
     |  1. Have you ever been personally involved in any extortion    |
     |     bids? ___                                                  |
     |                                                                |
     |  2. Have you ever gone more than a week without changing       |
     |     your underwear? ___                                        |
     |                                                                |
     |  3. Have you ever been convicted of stalking anyone? ___       |
     |                                                                |
     |  4. Do people generally fear or despise you? ___               |
     |                                                                |
     |  5. Do you bathe or shower every day? ___                      |
     |                                                                |
     |  6. Does your own mother find you repulsive? ___               |
     |                                                                |
     |  7. Are you regularly called upon to appear in a police        |
     |     lineup? ___                                                |
     |                                                                |
     |  8. If your pet could talk, would you be afraid of what        |
     |     it might say? ___                                          |
     |                                                                |
     |  9. Do you spend a lot of time perusing X-rated GIFs? ___      |
     |                                                                |
     |  10. Have you ever been in the witness protection program? ___ |
     |                                                                |
     |  PART II                                                       |
     |                                                                |
     |  Please fill in the blanks:                                    |
     |                                                                |
     |  1. My idea of a good time is _____ in the ______.             |
     |                                                                |
     |  2. My mother says I'm a _________.                            |
     |                                                                |
     |  3. I ________ a lot.                                          |
     |                                                                |
     |  4. I have _______ friends and _____ of them _____ me.         |
     |                                                                |
     |  5. I have seen _________.                                     |
     |                                                                |
     |  6. I have had ___ arrests for weapons violations.             |
     |                                                                |
     |  PART III                                                      |
     |                                                                |
     |  Multiple choice:                                              |
     |                                                                |
     |  1. I don't have any:                                          |
     |  (a) morals   (b) conscience   (c) prior convictions           |
     |  (d) friends  (e) undies on    (f) teeth                       |
     |                                                                |
     |  2. I have a lot of:                                           |
     |  (a) body odor   (b) enemies   (c) dandruff                    |
     |  (d) back hair   (e) confusion (f) X-rated GIFs                |
     |                                                                |
     |  3. I promise that I will:                                     |
     |  (a) write you every day                                       |
     |  (b) not write you more than twice a day                       |
     |  (c) not call you at home unless it's really important         |
     |  (d) not call you at work unless I feel like it                |
     |  (e) have illicit thoughts about your GIF photo                |
     |  (f) shoot your dog if you don't write back                    |
     |                                                                |
     |  4. I can provide the following references:                    |
     |  (a) Morty Goldman - the nerd I beat up in the schoolyard      |
     |  (b) Ronald Reagan - although he might have forgotten me now   |
     |  (c) Cher - what can I say, it was my turn to date her         |
     |  (d) My mother - who just wants me to move out of the basement |
     |  (e) Elvis - because he visits me every day in the UFO         |
     |  (f) Charles Manson - my former cellmate                       |
     |                                                                |
     |  5. I'd like an opportunity to tell you:                       |
     |  (a) I'm hot for you   (b) I pick my teeth   (c) I drink Drano |
     |  (d) I need a life     (e) I once imploded   (f) dogs can talk |
     |                                                                |
     |  6. If we ever met in person, I think I'd:                     |
     |  (a) throw up on your shoes                                    |
     |  (b) ram a knife through your heart                            |
     |  (c) repeat every third word you say                           |
     |  (d) force you to dig your own grave                           |
     |  (e) show you how many Cheerios I can shove up my nose         |
     |  (f) be late                                                   |
     |                                                                |
     |  7. My hobby is:                                               |
     |  (a) collecting used toilet tissue                             |
     |  (b) hurting small, defenceless animals                        |
     |  (c) collecting boogers                                        |
     |  (d) setting garbage can fires                                 |
     |  (e) stalking movie stars                                      |
     |  (f) cooking with tapeworms                                    |
     |                                                                |
     |  8. I would describe myself as:                                |
     |  (a) bigger than a breadbox                                    |
     |  (b) pretty good now that I'm on Lithium                       |
     |  (c) "experienced" for a 12-year-old boy                       |
     |  (d) much more obedient to the voices in my head               |
     |  (e) haunted by evil spirits                                   |
     |  (f) looking like a movie star but that would be a lie         |
     |________________________________________________________________|
_________________________________________________________________________

        THE WAY YOU POST E-MAIL REVEALS YOUR PERSONALITY
        (c)1995 Sandy Illes

        After years of scientific study and several minutes of profound
        thought, it has now been conclusively proven that the way you
        post e-mail reveals your personality! Why sit back and let
        others do the analyzing when you, too, can become a noted net
        psychologist?

        Lesson 1
        --------

        Sample: Were r all the warez, d00d?

        The person who wrote this is obviously a pathetic teenager who
        desperately needs a girlfriend, a life, and some spelling
        lessons. If you try to tell him that, he will respond by
        insulting your mother, calling you a fag, and threatening to
        upload a virus to your commputer. In reality, he knows as much
        about viruses as, say, your cat - but he talks a good game of
        scare tactics.

        Lesson 2
        --------

        Sample: I need a copy of [insert name of commercial program here].

        This person is a lamer pirate, oblivious to the fact that large
        corporations (such as those that make commercial software) and
        government agencies regularly surf the nets. He knows as much
        about software as he does about discretion.

        Lesson 3
        --------

        Sample: [in a non-tech conference] Help! My modem doesn't work.

        While it is easy to pity someone whose modem doesn't work, it
        behooves me to ask: Exactly how did he get online without a
        modem? The fact that he was unable to read the conference name
        before posting a message to the entire free world makes me
        wonder if he even belongs online in the first place. This
        person probably took a week to find the turbo key on his
        computer and still doesn't know how to set his VCR. Never, ever,
        ask him any hardware questions because he will - God help you -
        try to answer them.

        Lesson 4
        --------

        Sample: So what are you wearing right now?

        This person is so incredibly lonely - not to even mention ugly -
        that he has to flirt with every person whose name sounds female.
        While he sits at the keyboard telling the object of his
        affection how good looking, smart, and talented he is, it's easy
        for him to forget that the recipient is probably some dorky
        13-year-old boy who has chosen a female alias for a quick thrill.
        The only way to deal with people like this is to tell them where
        to find the x-rated GIF's.

        Lesson 5
        --------

        Sample: Why don't you just shut up, idiot?

        This person, fresh from Charm School, wants attention and is
        willing to become flamebait to make sure he gets noticed. The
        only way to deal with rude people like this is to find out who
        they really are, track them down, and shoot them like the dogs
        they are.

        Lesson 6
        --------

        Sample: You're false christian (sic) scum.

        You have just met Steve Winter, Fidonet's most intolerant and
        verbally abusive resident moderator. There is no way to deal
        with him so just forget it and move along to another conference.

        Lesson 7
        --------

        Sample: What kind of shit is this, you dumb etc., etc., etc.

        This person is obviously starved for attention and will do
        anything to get it. Never mind that the kind of attention is
        along the lines of "Do you EAT with that mouth???" he's happy
        that he's not being ignored. The best way to deal with him is
        to introduce him to Steve Winter.

        Lesson 8
        --------

        Sample: If you connect your modem to your food processor and
        set it to puree, you can connect to the Internet for free.
        This works best if you use a null modem cable and say 10 Hail
        Marys while making the sign of the Spam.

        This person is not in touch with reality. If they were, it
        would be even scarier for you. Ignoring them will not make
        them go away - the best thing you can do is reply and tell
        them that Elvis speaks to you through your toaster. The key
        is to be weirder than they are.

        Lesson 9
        --------

        Sample: Why does Michael Jackson shop at K-Mart? Because
        boy's pants are half off. Hahahahahaaaahahahahaaaaaa

        While this person thinks he is funny, in fact, he is telling
        the oldest net-joke known to man. Another variation is
        "What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?" This person
        deserves to be flamed, not just because his jokes are
        prehistoric, but because he should have read backwards in
        the conference for 5 messages and then he could have seen
        his joke. Probably more than once. Ignoring him will not make
        him go away so your only recourse is a quick and clever flame.
_________________________________________________________________________


        Telling a joke to my nephew Steven...  By Sandy Illes
        -------------------------------------

        Sandy: Two guys walk into a bar...

        Steve: Why?

        Sandy: Because it was there.

        Steve: Why?

        Sandy: So that when people got thirsty, they could go inside the
        bar for a drink.

        Steve: Why?

        Sandy: Because otherwise they'd die of dehydration.

        Steve: What's dehydration?

        Sandy: Why?
_________________________________________________________________________

        OJ SIMPSON FREED DUE TO TOO MUCH EVIDENCE  (c)1995 Mary Stewart

        (Los Angeles) - OJ Simpson was pronounced free as of 1:00 EDT
        yesterday afternoon. The jury, apparently deaf and blind, chose
        to ignore the evidence and sent the killer home. Apparently no
        explanation was needed by the defence for Simpson having led the
        LAPD on a car chase in his famous white Ford Bronco or the
        suicide note Simpson wrote and that was read on CNN by Robert
        Shapiro. All evidence pertaining to Nicole Brown Simpson having
        been a stalked, abused wife was ignored.

        Interviews on TV with F. Lee Bailey have since indicated that
        the Simpson defence team considered pleading guilty. While no one
        who was innocent would even consider pleading guilty, this was
        not considered an admission of guilt by the "Dream Team."

        Detective Mark Fuhrman, who lost the case for the prosecution,
        is expected to go to Germany, where neo-Nazis long for the good
        old days of the Holocaust.

        Johnny Cochrane, the obnoxious spokesman for the defence, is
        rumoured to be buying himself a "good-looking white bitch"
        with Mr. Simpson's money.

        While it is doubtful as to whether justice has been done, at
        least some lawyers have gotten rich off of this case and a
        guilty defendant has walked - that is the basis of civilization.

        If there is any lesson to be learned from this fiasco, it's this:
        Don't be killed by a celebrity; they have enough money to buy
        a defence unworthy of their actions.
_________________________________________________________________________


        Windows 95 - Is It For You? Is It For Anyone? (c)1995 Louis Illes

        Having unilaterally declared all other operating systems
        obsolete, Microsoft has now cornered the market on
        proprietary software since they forgot how mad everyone
        got at USR for their proprietary hardware. Do you have a
        program that won't run in WIN95? Then there's something
        wrong with that program M$ tech support will tell you.

        Aside from an inability to run certain DOS programs, WIN95
        requires a Pentium unless you have time to run out and
        learn Latin while Windows loads. Yes, with WIN95, you can
        experience all the stress of using an XT without actually
        having one.

        And if you enjoy solving seemingly insurmountable hardware
        conflicts, then you'll love WIN95. Especially when you
        discover that your brand new Pentium needs a brand new BIOS
        to work properly. (The word "properly" is used loosely to
        mean "works like it used to.")

        I've tried WIN95 and discovered that I much prefer a poke
        in the eye with a sharp stick. I'd suggest that before
        anyone upgrades to WIN95, they take a couple of hits on the
        head with a clue stick.

        And now for the WIN95 quiz:

        1. Do you consider M$ tech support people:
        (a) competent?
        (b) unavailable?
        (c) close personal friends at this point in your life?

        2. Do you believe Bill Gates is:
        (a) a genius?
        (b) a lucky bastard?
        (c) holding your bank account hostage?

        3. If you could go back in time, would you:
        (a) stick with DOS 6 and WIN3.1?
        (b) switch to OS/2?
        (c) never have upgraded from your first pocket calculator?

        4. When people mention WIN95, do you:
        (a) say "It's new so it must be good"?
        (b) roll your eyes and say "I'm waiting for the bugs to
            be worked out of it"?
        (c) roll your eyes and babble incoherently about
            comport conflicts, hostage IRQs, and where the hell
            did those cute little icons you spent years arranging
            on your desktop go to anyway?
_________________________________________________________________________

             ARE YOU A NETDWEEB? TAKE THIS QUIZ AND FIND OUT!
                          (c)1995 Sandy Illes
        ===========================================================
        Part I  (True or False)

        1. I have been known to get involved in flame wars regarding
           who was a better captain - Kirk or Picard.

        2. I try to post at least one off-topic message every day.

        3. I enjoy stalking strange women on the nets so I can talk
           dirty to them.

        4. When I first meet someone on the nets, I always ask
           if they have any nude GIF's of themself.

        5. When I first meet someone on the nets, I always offer
           a nude GIF of myself.

        6. I am in constant contact with several moderators on a
           daily basis.

        7. I say things like "I'll virii your computer" but have
           never actually even used a hex editor.

        8. I get excited whenever I see a new user has a female
           name.

        9. I have been barred from more than ten BBSes.

       10. I always use aliases so I can have lots of BBS accounts.

        Part II  (Multiple Choice)

        1. You are joining a humour conference for the first time
           and see a joke you don't like. Do you:

        (a) Immediately complain to the moderator?
        (b) Flame the person for being so cruel and insensitive?
        (c) Consider suicide?

        2. Someone has posted a message with which you disagree.
           Do you:

        (a) Write a long-winded off-topic reply in the belief it
            will force the person to see the error of their ways,
            change their whole belief system, and maybe even
            find God?
        (b) Whip out the flamethrower by replying "Only a [fag/
            pervert/communist/etc.] would post crap like that"?
        (c) Ignore the message and put that person's name into
            your twit filter?

        3. A moderator bars you from a message base. Do you:

        (a) Obtain another dozen alias accounts and keep
            harrassing the moderator?
        (b) Brag in other conferences about it?
        (c) Spam the network with your appeal for "truth,
            justice and the American Way... and some pity."

        4. You discover that you've posted a message in the
           wrong conference. Do you:

        (a) Immediately send a public apology?
        (b) Pretend you didn't know and flame anyone who dares
            to flame you for the off-topic post?
        (c) Keep sending off-topic posts to that conference
            because it's the only one you know how to join?

        Part III (Fill in the blanks)

        1. I have spammed ___ conferences within the last month.

        2. I have participated in ___ flame wars this week.

        3. I have purposely kept ___ threads going just so I
           could keep people mad at each other.

        4. I have ___ alias accounts on ___ BBSes.

        Part IV  (Visual Perception)

        What do you see when you look at this ascii inkblot?

        /////////////////////N//E//T//D//W//E//E//B//////////
        \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\R\\U\\L\\E\\Z\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
        \\w\h\y\\d\o\e\s\\M\i\c\h\a\e\l\\J\a\c\k\s\o\n\\s\h\o\p
        \a\t\\K\m\a\r\t\\\\\\\\w\h\a\t\\d\i\d\\J\e\f\f\r\e\y\\
        D\a\h\m\e\r\\s\a\y\\t\o\\L\o\r\e\n\a\\B\o\b\b\i\t\t\\\\

        Answers:

        Part I: If you answered Yes to all ten questions, you
        are not only a netdweeb, but also someone who watches
        Star Trek TNG just to see Deanna Troi's breasts heave.
        You're a sick puppy and will surely have some "fun"
        experiences with the vengeance others will eventually
        be enticed to extract.

        If you answered Yes to 7 questions or less, you're a
        netdweeb in the making. You need to get out more and
        masturbate less.

        If you answered Yes to 4 questions or less, you have a
        small chance to avoid becoming a netdweeb. With a
        little bit of luck, you won't need those asbestos undies
        ready when you read your mail.

        If you answered No to all of the questions, you are either
        a phenomenal netdweeb liar or a pretty good BBSer.

        Part II: If you answered (a) to any question except
        number 4, you're not just a netdweeb, you're a whining
        netdweeb. Enjoy life while you can because someone is
        bound to cut it short.

        If you answered (b) to any of the questions, you're such
        a netdweeb that your photo will appear by the definition
        of netdweeb in the New Computer Dictionary '95 to be
        published by Microsoft (available at stores soon for
        only $39.95).

        If you answered (c) to any of the questions except
        number 2, you're more of a whiner than a netdweeb but
        everyone still hates you.

        If you answered (c) to question 2 and (a) to question 4,
        you're too normal to be taking this quiz.

        Part III: Filling in any of the blanks with any number
        higher than zero means you're a full-fledged netdweeb.
        You have no friends, no life, and probably no clean
        underwear.

        Part IV: If you see "Netdweeb Rulez" followed by some
        stupid jokes, you're in danger of becoming a netdweeb.
        Normal BBS users will see a 256-color VGA graphic of
        the Mona Lisa.
________________________________________________________________________
 JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES
========================================================================
I'm teaching my son to drive and yesterday some old guy in a huge car
darted out in front of him. My son exclaimed, "Does he think he owns the
road or what?"

I replied, "I think he's afraid that you might own the road and he's
trying to get off of it fast."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with
that?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Hugh Grant walks into a bar.

"Aren't you that movie star who got caught with the $50 hooker?" asks
the bartender.

"Yes," says Hugh Grant, "Now, how much are your drinks?"

"For you," replies the bartender, "$50."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Re: OJ Simpson trial

With all the instructions that the Judge has to give to the jury, it
will be a hard thing to decide.  But I have an insider in the jury
who told me that they are going to find him innocent of murder, but
guilty of littering for leaving his gloves and mask behind.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A telephone repairman was working late in a big office building and
became lost.  After a long search of the rambling first floor to
find an exit, he spotted a woman at the end of a corridor.

"How do I get outside?" he asked.

"Dial 9," she replied.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

When my husband drove a truck many years ago, he had a few occasions
to have a co-driver. He told me, "I don't like having a co-driver.
When he's driving, his snoring keeps me awake."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you get 100 Indians into a phone booth?

A: Tell them they used to own it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the advantage of being born with five penises?

Your pants fit you like a glove!
---------------------------------------------------------------------

  I guess you've heard that Bill Gates and Mick Jagger are pretty
  cozy now after the $12 million deal for Start Me Up. Mick
  attended a lavish party hosted by Bill to celebrate the
  kickoff to Windows 95.  He was walking down one of the back halls, and
  heard a huge ruckus coming from behind one of the doors.  Mick's
  curiousity gets the better of him and he opens the door to see
  Hugh Grant BEATING on Dennis Weaver something awful!
  Mick exclaims:
  "Hey! Hey! Hugh! Hugh! Get offa McCloud!
---------------------------------------------------------------------

 There once was a sweepstakes that offered a shopping center as first
prize.  The Supreme Court, however, ruled the contest illegal, since
everyone knows you can't win a mall.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been shopping for a new car but all I can afford is a Volkswagen
bug. No, no, not the little car. This is an insect with a Volkswagen
tattoo.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

It has been reported that Pete Rose now owns the Baseball Hall Of Fame
in Cooperstown, New York.

He won it in a bet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

   Two baby harp seal walk into a club...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if Lucien Bouchard has been in your house?
Your can of Pledge is empty.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if you're in Lucien Bouchard's house?

 The laundry separates itself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems one day this big Texas big-shot business man flew into Toronto
airport, grabbed a limo and headed downtown.  On his way he passed the
home of that beloved hockey team, the Toronto Maple Leafs.  The Texan
taps the driver on the shoulder and says, "That there's a pretty nice
place.  How long did it take you Canadians to build it?"  The driver
wasn't too sure, so he said "Two years." "Ha! *My* little ol'
construction company could have built that in nine months!"

The driver felt a pang of resentment but said nothing.  Soon they
passed a huge shopping mall, the Toronto Eaton's Center.  "Saaayyy!
That's a pretty nice place.  How long did it take you Canadians to
build *that*?"  Still unsure of himself, the driver said, "Uh, about a
year."  "Pretty good, but my little ol' construction company could
have built it in three months."

By now the limo driver truly hated his fare.  A while later they
passed by the C.N. Tower (until recently, the world's tallest
free-standing structure).  "Saaayyy!  That is sure an impressive
tower!  How long did it take you Canadians to put *that* up?"  The
driver stared out his window in shock. "Damned if I know... it wasn't
there this morning!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
 What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

Waiter, Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
 I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.

Waiter, Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
 I'm doing my best, sir.

Waiter, Waiter, how long have you been here?
 Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.

Waiter, Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
 I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!

Waiter, Waiter, what do you call this?
 That's bean soup, sir.
I don't care what it's been, what is it now?
---------------------------------------------------------------------

           What's the difference between government bonds and
           men?             Bonds Mature.

           What did God say after creating man?
           I can do better than that!

           What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

           Husband: Want a quickie?
            Wife: As opposed to what?

           Why do men want to marry virgins?
            They can't stand criticism.

           I went to the County Fair. They had one of those
            "Believe it or not" Shows. They had a man born with
            a penis and a brain.

           What are two reasons why men don't mind their
           own business?
             1. No mind. 2. No business.

           How is a man like a snowstorm?
            Because you don't know when he's coming, how many
            inches you'll get, or how long it'll last.

           What do you call an intelligent man in America?
            A tourist.

           Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them
            from grazing.

           If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
           convenience stores and drive through windows.

           Why do men name their penises?
            Because they want to be on a first-name basis with
            the person who makes all their decisions.

           Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
           sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
            Because they already have boyfriends.

           Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at
           the Olympics?
            He had it bronzed.

           Why do men like masturbation?
             Its sex with someone they love.

           What is gross stupidity?
             144 men in one room.

           What's the difference between a porcupine and a
           Corvette?
            The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

           How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
            Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off
            and shake the stove.

           What is a man's view of safe sex?
            A padded headboard.

           How do men sort their laundry?
            "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."

           Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo
           in it.

           Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
            To keep the swelling down.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

     Q:  What do you call it when you mix 7up and prune juice?

     A:  Hurry Up.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

     Q:  How do you break a lawyer's hand?

     A:  Punch one of his clients in the pocket.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Saw a Bob Packwood button:

"Packwood for President:  How does that grab you?"


I heard today that Packwood has asked for another week before his
resignation takes effect..... He says he needs the time to kiss his staff
goodbye.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife: How does this oral sex thing work again?

Bill Gates: Hey, read the manual!

Wife: But you didn't come with a manual!

Bill Gates: And then you marvel at how I've become so rich. Sheesh!
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man meets up with an old roommate whom he has not seen for many years.
The roommate has had a sex-change operation. "Was it painful?" asks the
former. "No, not really," says the second. "How about when they cut off
your penis?" "No that really wasn't the worst of it." "Really?" says
the first. "How about when they had to create the new hole? That must
have been painful."

"No, the worst part was when they stuck a tube in my ear and sucked out
half my brains."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

  This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and
  says, "I'd like a scotch and soda and I'd like to buy that
  douche bag at the end of the bar a drink."  The bartender
  says, "Hey, she's a regular and you can't be talking about
  her that way."  The guy says, "Okay, I'd like to buy that
  nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink."  The
  bartender says, "That's more like it," and he walks up to
  the girl and asks her what she wants to drink.  She says,
  "Vinegar and water."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

   A doctor was examining his friend of many years, and found that he
had the sad duty to tell his friend Joe that he was suffering from
terminal cancer, and had in fact only about six months to live.

   Joe took it pretty well, and went out to the country club to lose
himself in a game of golf. It turns out that his doctor was also a
member of the same country club. When the doctor got to the club, some
of his other friends came over and said, "Hey, did you hear about Joe?"
The doctor frowned and said, "No, what about Joe?"

   "He's dying of AIDS," they said. So the doctor went in search of
his friend Joe, to find out what was going on. When he found Joe, he
asked him, "Hey, Joe, didn't you understand what I told you today?"

   And Joe says, "Sure, you said I was dying of cancer and had about
six months to live." The doctor then wants to know why Joe is telling
folks he's dying of AIDS. "Oh," says Joe, "I just don't want anyone
messing with my wife after I'm gone."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men were sitting on a beach; a fairly good-looking blonde
walks by. The first man says, "I give her a six." The second,
"I give her a 7." The third says, "She is a 1."  The other two
look at him and wonder.

Another woman walks by. The first man says, "She is an 8." The
second says, "I give her an 8+." The third says, "She is a 3."
Again the first two men wonder about him.

Then an extremely fine-looking redhead approaches. The first man
says, "She is a 10!" The second man says, "She is an 11!" The third
guy says, "She is a six."

The other two finally look at him and say, "What is the matter with
you, man?  That redhead is perfect! Are you weird or something?"

"Wait a minute - you don't understand; I use the Budweiser scale."

"What the hell is that?"

"That's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Yo mamma....got two wooden legs and one is one backward
Yo mamma....got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it
Yo mamma....so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman ran up to a police officer with half of her clothes torn off,
bruised, and crying. The officer asked what happened and she said, "I was
raped by an Irishman!" The officer said, "Well, how do you know he was
Irish?"
The woman answered, "Because I had to help him!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

If they can dye the East River green for St.Paddy's Day, why can't they
dye it blue the rest of the year?
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man began having some very strange physical symptoms at work.  He
would get two distinct throbs in one rib, then in rhythm, his knee would
throb twice and slight pain would go through his right ear.  After a few
hours of this, he became concerned enough to visit his doctor.  After
hours of exams and testing, the doctor told him to wait while he did
some cross referencing in the computer system.  Finally, he came back
into the examining room with an ashen look in his face.  "Bob, somehow
you've contracted an extremely rare disease from the Amazon.  18 hours
after the symptoms begin, your heart will stop."

After Bob got his emotions together and bid the doctor his final
goodbye, he went right home. He related the whole story to his wife and
after they had good cry together, he said, "You know honey, with the
little time we have together, I'd like nothing more than to go to bed
right now and make love to you all night."

She looked at him with disgust and said, "Sure, you can say that. You
don't have to get up in the morning!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

How many (________) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

GRADUATE STUDENTS... One---but it takes him nine years.
AUTO MECHANICS...Two.  One to screw in the wrong-sized bulb and one to
                 replace the burned-out socket.
NUCLEAR ENGINEERS...Seven.  One to install the new bulb, and six to
figure out what to do with the old one for the next ten thousand years.
NEW YORKERS...None of your damn business.
NEW JERSEY-ITES... Three.  One to change the bulb, one to be a witness,
and the third to shoot the witness.
CALIFORNIANS...Four.  One to screw in the bulb and three to share the
               experience.
WASPs...Two.  One to mix the drinks and one to call the electrician.
JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESSES...Two.  One to pour the Tab, and one to call
                             Daddy.
JEWISH MOTHERS...None.  No, it's okay, I'll sit in the dark.
TEAMSTERS...Fifteen.  You got a problem with that?
STRAIGHT SAN FRANCISCANS...Both of them.
WOMEN WITH PMS...24.  ...   Why 24?   ...   It just does, dammit!
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many Intel employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Approximately 0.9995276381 employees.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: They just declare darkness the industry standard.

Q: How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to make an Apple hardware extension to automatically replace the
   light bulb on the command, one to write an API for that extension,
   one to implement a standard way to upgrade it via software, and the
   whole rest of the company to try to get developers hooked onto this
   brand-new way of changing light bulbs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Finstein wakes up one day and says to his wife, "I have decided
to become a Christian." With that he walked out of the house, headed
for the nearest church.

    After months of schooling and dedication, Finstein completes his
training and is ready for confirmation into the church. It is a bright
sunny Sunday and off he goes, returning a few hours later with a big
grin, quite happy with his accomplishment.

    As he sits down for Sunday dinner, his daughter comes into the
room and says, "Daddy, I need $50 for school."  Reluctantly he gives
her the cash.

    Moments later his son enters, announcing he requires $150 for auto
parts for his car.  Once again he comes across with the bucks.

    Shortly thereafter, his wife comes in and says, "I need $300 for
shopping."

    Finstein jumps up, throws the money on the table and shouts:
"I'm a Christian for only 2 hours and already you damned Jews are into
me for $500 bucks!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

    A millionaire wants to kill his wife, but he can't do it himself.
So he hires a hit man named Arty to do the job. He asks Arty how much
it would cost to have someone killed.
    Arty says: "It depends on who you want, Presidents cost more then
Governors, Governors cost more than Mayors."
    The millionaire says: "No, no, it's nothing like that, I want you
to kill my wife."
    Arty says: "Man, I probably hate your wife more than you do. I'll
do that for nothing." The millionaire claims he has to pay Arty
something.  So they finally agree on a dollar.
    That night Arty sneaks into the house and goes upstairs, but
before he gets to the bedroom, the maid spots him. Arty grabs the maid
and strangles her to death.
    Entering the bedroom, Arty sees the millionaire's wife fast
asleep.  He goes over and strangles her to death.
    On his way out, the butler sees him so Arty grabs the butler and
strangles him.
    As Arty is leaving it turns out the millionaire cracked up and
confessed everything to the police. And the police were waiting
outside to arrest Arty.
    The next day paper headlines read "Arty chokes 3 for a dollar"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

        Edna Seamon's husband had passed on and she was so distraught
that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was
fine, that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.  "Is there
anything he needs?" Edna asked.

        The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied, "He
says he'd love a package of cigarettes."

        "I'll send them immediately," Edna said joyfully.  "But did he
give an address?"

        "No.  But he didn't ask for matches."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb?
"It's wrong to force change on this poor innocent lightbulb... plus,
lightbulb is a derogatory term that can cause emotional distress to
those who lack brightness."

How many OJ Simpson defence lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
All of them, at $5,000 an hour times 3,000 hours amid the testimony of the
manufacturer of the lightbulb, the manager whose store sold the lightbulb,
and the shipping clerk who received the lightbulb. Surprise witness will
be Kato the surfer dude, who once actually changed a lightbulb himself but
has now recovered from the shock.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks up to the pharmacy window and is greeted by a female pharmacist.
He says, "I want to buy a box of condoms."
"What size?" she asks.
"I don't know" he responds.
She says, "Well, put your penis up on the counter and I'll determine the
size of the condom."
He places his penis on the counter and she strokes it a couple times before
picking up the paging mike and announcing, "We need a box of medium condoms
on counter 5... medium box of condoms on counter 5."

Another guy walks up to the female pharmacist.   He also wants to buy some
condoms, but is unsure of the size. Once again, she asks him to put his
penis on the counter. She strokes it a few times and then picks up the
store mike to announce, "We need a box of large condoms on counter 5...
large box of condoms on counter 5."

Finally, a very nervous man walks up to the counter and requests some
condoms. She asks the size and he doesn't know so she instructs him to place
his penis on the counter. She strokes it a few times, hesitates, then picks
up the store mike and announces, "Clean up on counter 5.... clean up on
counter 5..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and
you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "because the rest would fly
away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like
the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now.  If
there were three women eating ice cream cones in a
shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone
and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring
on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

In a surprise announcement, Robert Dole held a press conference this
morning to announce that OJ Simpson has joined the Dole ticket and will
run for Vice-President.

Dole said, "OJ has proven that he can remain cool under even the worst of
circumstances, and adding him to the ticket will make an unstoppable
team."

Their campaign slogan will be: "We'll kill the opposition and really slash
the budget."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

O.J. Simpson took a knife.
Gave forty slashes to his wife.
When he saw what he had done,
He gave Ron Goldman forty one.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

        Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody
nose, black eye, and torn clothing.  It was obvious he'd been in a bad
fight and lost.  While his father was patching him up, he asked his son
what happened.

        "Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel.  And,
you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

        "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

        "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can you tell when it's Springtime in Idaho?
A: Detective Mark Fuhrman's out planting gloves.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

After winning his acquittal, OJ was overheard speaking to Johnnie, and
said that he would seek out and find the real killer of Nicole and Ron.
Johnnie replied: That's great, but you had better take all of the mirrors
out of your house first.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

What happens if a woman and two men are marooned on a desert island?

   If they are Swedish, the men will marry and ignore the woman.

   If they are Danish, everyone will find a way to be happy without any
               announcement of anything.

   If they are Spanish, one of the men will kill the other.

   If they are Greek, both of the men will kill the other.

   If they are Italian, the woman will kill one of the men.

   If they are British, nothing will happen since there is no one to
               introduce the men to one another.

   If they are Irish, the woman will become a nun.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you make a cat bark?
Pour gasoline all over it.... light a match..... WOOOOOOOFFFFF!

How do you teach a dog to make sounds like a cat?
Toss Fido in the freezer, put 'em on the bandsaw.... MEEEOOWWRRRR!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Put the cat out? Shouldn't I ignite her first?
---------------------------------------------------------------------

BOOK TITLES

Spots On The Wall                          By Hu Phlung Poo

Revenge of the Jungle Tiger                By Claude Balls

Sailor Beware                              By Don Bendover

The Yellow Stream                          By I.P. Daily

By A Waterfall                             By U.P. Standing

Rip In The Matress                         By Mr. Completely

The Great Condom Failure                   By Iva Child

The German's Favorite Spot                 By Herr Bottom

Teen Mother                                By Pasteur Period
---------------------------------------------------------------------

One night a guy got to the ballpark late. He saw three old ladies in the
stands - passed out with an empty bottle of booze beside them. Right away,
he knew the status of the game:

It was the bottom of the fifth and the bags were loaded.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy meets this really great looking girl and wants to go out with
her. His best friend agrees to set up a date but warns him, "No matter
what happens, DON'T let her put her hands inside your pants!"

So the guy takes the girl out and wines her and dines her and takes
her back to his place. After a few drinks, they start kissing
passionately and she starts to put her hands inside his pants. The guy
thinks, "What's the worst that can happen?" and doesn't try to stop her.

She puts her hands inside his pants, squeezes really hard, jumps six
feet off the floor with her eyes bulging, her tongue hanging out, and
sweat pouring off of her. She runs out of the apartment, goes down 6
flights of stairs, runs around the building twice, back inside, takes
the elevator back up the 6 flights, runs into the apartment, dashes into
her bedroom, slams the door and yells, "I've got only two words to say
to you - GET OUT!"

About 20 minutes later she peeks out of her bedroom and sees the guy
still sitting on the sofa. "Didn't you hear me?" she screams. "I told
you to get out!"

"I've got only two words to say to you," replies the guy, "LET GO!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy is in the army and is stationed in a barren desert town.
He has been there for several months without female
companionship and is quite horny.  One day, as he is wandering
through town, he asks a local merchant, "Where can I go to get
laid?"  The merchant responds, "The nearest town where you can
find a woman to sleep with is 15 miles away, so most of the
other men end up using my camel."  Now, the guy is definitely
not interested in that sort of thing so he politely declined.

As time went on, he got hornier and hornier.  One day he went
to town and found the camel and was about to pull down his pants
when he thought to himself, "This is disgusting, I don't need to
do this!" and he walked away. This continued for several weeks,
with him stopping himself at the last minute, until three months
later, when he was so horny that he could not stop himself and
had his way with the camel.

Afterwards, he went to the camel owner and thanked him.  To this
the owner responded, "I meant they use the camel to ride to the
town!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

How can the post office save money?
Use Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail.

Why do postal employees get such great union contracts?
Because of the guns they carry.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Truck driver: Boss, I have broken the left hand mirror on the truck.
    Boss: Well then. you had better fix it then.
    Truck Driver: That might be a bit hard at the moment, Boss.
    Boss: And what would be so hard about fixing a mirror?
    Truck Driver: Well Boss, at the moment the truck is laying on it!
---------------------------------------------------------------------

  OJ's fiance, Paula Barbieri was asked if they were getting married when
they go to the Dominican Republic.  She wouldn't say yes or no, but she
did say she was registered in the bridal shoppe... at the Shady Grove
Funeral Home and Mausoleum.

  Ben and Jerry have a new ice cream out in honor of OJ.
  OJDOA (Chocolate and vanilla swirl).
  So thick you can cut it with a knife.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the cat that made a killing in sports?
  He was in the tennis racket.

Can cats see in the dark?
  Yes, but they have trouble holding the flashlight.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

In a retirement home, two old men and two old women
played Bridge every day. One day, the ladies decided to
spice things up. At the time for the Bridge game,
they got together outside the card room and took off
their clothes. Then they streaked the card room.

One of the old men said to the other, "What was that?"

The second old man said, "I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure
needed ironing!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the first sign of AIDS?  A pounding in the rectum.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man, arrested for murder, bribed an Irishman on the jury to oppose the
death penalty, and hold out for a verdict of manslaughter.
The jury were out for quite a long time, and finally came in with a
verdict of manslaughter.  The man rushed up to the Irishman, and
whispered, "I'm tremendously obliged.  Did you have a hard time of it?"
        "The devil's own time, me lad.  The other eleven all wanted to
acquit you."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned.  In
preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private
little talk.  "Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very
securely.  No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd
never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point.  Our friends
from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head
before they're through paying their last respects."

"Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the undertaker.  "I'll fix it
so that toupee will never come off."

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's
corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place.  At
the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an
extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker.
"What're a few nails?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

What gets Bill Gates aroused?
Screwing millions of people at the same time with Windows 95.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Three couples went out camping.  The three husbands stayed in one tent and
the three wives stayed in the other.  At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up
and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex!  I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my
life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no.  Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
________________________________________________________________________

