HUM:The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes  by Scott Seaman

   Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
to the experience.

   Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.

   Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

   Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write
the light bulb insertation program, and One to act as a light bulb
administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at
the same time.

   Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light
bulb?

   A: Both of them.

   Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: Two: One th change the bulb and one not to change it.
Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer
is four. One to change the bulb.

   Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: Billions and billions.

   Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how
good the old light bulb was.

   Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored machine tools.

   Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: Only one, but it sure takes a boatload of light bulbs!

   Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

   Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

   Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial
one of their subordinates to actually change it.

   Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A ------ consists of sequences of
non-blank characters seperated by blanks".

   Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light
bulb?

   A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the
first one.

   Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

   Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
bulb?

   A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third
to shoot the witness.

   Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

   Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: None. That's a hardware problem.

   Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

   Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?

   A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on
payment of license fee.

   Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it
done.

   Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.

   Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.

   Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")

   Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)

   Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

   Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

   Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light
bulb?

   A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

   Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
under him.

   Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Three, but they're really one.

   Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? .

   A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

   Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: That's not funny!

   Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

   Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?

   A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would
screw itself in.

   Q: How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

   Q: How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

   Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: None. It turned itself in.

   Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

   Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: How many can you afford?

   Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light
bulb?

   A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

   Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. (based on a novel)

   Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!

   Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: ---- You should have hit "n"!

   Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

   Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

   Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.

   Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

   Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it
a suprising twist at the end.

   Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of
nothingness.

   Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: Who says it's dark?

   Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

   Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

   A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.

   Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to
change a light bulb?

   A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress,
I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove
his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long
enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into
the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new
super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven
up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is
revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return
to the United States.

   Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do
it.

   Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to
replace a light bulb?

   A: Many hands make light work.

   Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around
him.

   Scott Seaman
