FAM:How Can I Parent Alone?  by Robert Barnes

   Eighty-nine percent of the custodial parents in our country are
women. These single parents experience tremendous needs, with
loneliness top on their list. Everything they see tells them they are
alone--billboards, television, movies, magazines, and sometimes the
church. The question hammers at them: how can you be happy if you are
one?

   They feel like failures. But a beautiful thing about the single
parent is a willingness to admit failure. The rest of us fight and
yell, then just before getting out of the car at the chapel we put on
our nice faces and straighten our clothes... and people think we've got
it all together.

   The single parent doesn't see the struggles of the married families.
So the single thinks, "I'm the only one who has such difficulty getting
my child up on Sunday morning."

   Sixty percent of those on the poverty level today are in single
parent homes. According to the 1980 census the average two parent home
brought in an annual income of $26, 000. The average single parent home
brought in an annual income of only $7, 000.

   Christmas is a difficult time for single parents. They feel guilty
about being unable to give their children more, or they compete with
the child's father, so they splurge on gifts--and end up paying for
them all year.

   The early church cared financially for its widows and orphans. (Acts
6:1-6; 1 Tim. 5:3-16; Jas. 1:27) In a sense, single parents present the
same need before Christian congregations today.

   SELF-ESTEEM BATTLES

   The single parent faces terrible self-esteem battles. Good
self-esteem in our culture depends on performance, which usually means
financial achievement. You are valuable if you perform well. People who
don't or can't perform well suffer under low self-esteem.

   In the church we need to teach and re-teach that it's not your
performance that makes you valuable--it depends on whose you are. It's
who owns you that makes you valuable. (Gal. 2:20; 3:26-4:7)

   The apostle Paul, a single, pictured that remarkably well. He would
walk into a village, preach in the synagogue, get beat up, and walk
into another village. This didn't impact his self-esteem, because he
wasn't responding to an applause meter. He knew who owned him. He knew
whose he was, and that steadied his life.

   Many single parents don't know this. And sometimes they see the
opposite modeled among Christians. A poor single mom walks into a
congregation and she gets little attention. A young male lawyer walks
in, and almost immediately he receives prime treatment. (Jas. 2:1-5)
What do you think that does to the single mom's self-esteem?

   STOP THE CLOCK!

   The single parent faces a genuine time crunch. Two parent families
say they have time problems, but there are two of them to handle
matters. The single has no help.

   It's the reality of picking up your child or children, getting home,
putting food on the table, handling the children's arguments, paying
the bills, doing the wash, getting the children into bed, squeezing
some sleep out of a short night, and getting up early to dress the
children so you can drop them off on the way to work. All by yourself.

   After the Bible, a single parent needs a second "bible", a personal
planning diary. There must be some time marked out, reserved for the
single's personal needs. There has to be some rest and relaxation built
in. No one can keep up the pace that most single parents are obliged to
set. Many of them need help in this. Planning seminars, with built in
friendly accountability check points, would go a long way toward
helping them work through the never ending tasks they face.

   BATTERIES NOT NEEDED

   Single parents need to know that not all fun things for children
cost money or need batteries. In every city there are many activities
that require little or no admission. Set up a contest to find them.
Have single parents and their children write on a sheet of paper as
many activities for children as they can find that require no money
(two parent families can enter also). Give a prize to the parent and
child who come up with the longest list. Then make a master list for
all the families.

   Discipline of the children is a big problem for the single parents.
Of course, the key to discipline of the children is the disciple of
yourself. I demanded that on Saturday morning my daughter clean her
closet. But then she saw my messy closet, called me on it, and I had to
start setting an example!

   I grew up in a single parent home, and I know this struggle. Too
often the weariness and the loneliness--your child is the only other
family person in your life--cause you to back off of consistent
training and discipline.

   Single parents need accountability here. They need support groups.
They need other singles, or couples, or older women to ask, "How did
you do this week on your discipline plan for Billy?"

   The single will likely say, "Well, to tell you the truth..." This
parent needs encouragement, and the knowledge that she will have to
report to another person on how she did. One tip: stay out of trouble
by not having a man hold a single mom accountable. It is much better
for a couple or for another woman to relate with her. (Titus 2:3-5)

   WE NEED UNCLE JOES

   We used to be able to bounce ideas off of extended family. You could
say, "Uncle Joe, I'm thinking about this..." With today's high
mobility, this isn't possible, especially for the single parent.

   In the church we need to develop a loving community to provide for
this need. The body of Christ in a locality can become a new extended
family for the single parent. My children have "aunts and uncles" in my
church who aren't really family.

   It took effort on my part to get it started. Nobody came up to my
children and said, "Start calling me 'uncle'." I had to begin by
calling Russ, "Uncle Russ." I chose that man because he used to be a
contractor. He is gruff, but he loves children, and he's good with his
hands. I'm terrible with my hands, and I wanted a man like Russ with
whom my son could hang around. What a blessing that my son's need can
be filled in my local church.

   How many single parents spend Thanksgiving and New Year's alone with
their children, not invited into another home? That's unacceptable. It
should never be that way. That is not practicing "church."

   The first Christian church in Jerusalem divided families. Some Jews
made decisions for Christ and had to walk away from their families;
their families buried them figuratively. In their family's eyes they
were dead and gone. So the church provided financial and personal
support to them. They took care of each other. That's what we're
supposed to do.

   BIG FRIENDS AND WORK CREWS

   Single moms don't know who to turn to when mechanical things go
wrong on their car or in their house. A crew of men could be on the
alert to work on Saturday mornings, a different crew each week, to
repair cars, fix doors that won't close properly, to check home
appliances or to paint. Working in teams they could go the extra mile
that lifts the load from the parent's weary life.

   Encourage people in the congregation to donate their used car to the
assembly, then give it to a needy single parent. The tax write-off may
be worth more than what they would have gotten from the car if they had
traded it in, and a single parent's transportation crisis will have
been met.

   Ask budget-conscious people in the assembly to volunteer one night a
month to help single parents get a grip on their finances. A couple of
teenagers can be hired to care for their children so the singles can
concentrate on this crucial matter.

   A growing program in North America is "Big Friends, Little Friends."
This program provides ways for any adult in the congregation to include
a child when they go bike riding, for a short trip, or just to play
ball in the park. Think of what this can mean to the children of single
parents.

   STARTING A SINGLE PARENT MINISTRY

   The first thing you have to decide is: does the church really want
this? You see, it's a financial loser. Other people we bring into the
church will provide additional finances. But the single parent will
bring financial troubles, along with kids who lack discipline. Do we
really want that?

   Then the elders will have to face some difficult issues. Like
divorced people, dating, remarriage. Those issues will have to be dealt
with right up front, and decisions will have to be made. Again, do we
really want that? But on the other hand, what would Christ do? (Matt.
9:13; 11:19; 21:31-32; Lk. 7:11-16; 7:36-50; 8:1-3, 43-48; 10:38-42;
13:10-17; 21:1-4; Jn. 4:1-26; 8:1-11) Can we afford to do less than He
did?

   How do you get the word out? By ads in the paper announcing that
you're having a singles' social (don't say it is for single parents).
Use the radio and flyers. Offer a seminar on a topic that interests
singles. Then get prepared for a poor turn-out, live with it, and grow
from there.

   Once you have contact with single parents, and if they find that you
can immediately help them meet some needs, they will pass the word to
other single parents. They will draw more people like themselves.

   You'll laugh and you'll cry in a ministry to single parents. But
isn't that what the Bible tells us to do? (Eccl. 3:4; Rom. 12:15)

   printed in INTEREST, May 1990. Bob Barnes directs Sheridan House
Family Ministries, which serves families in crisis in Fort Lauderdale,
Florida.
