FAM:The Eroding effect of premarital sex  by Elmer F. Magnussen

   A young Christian woman sat in my office and told me a story I have
heard all too frequently.

   "I don't know what happened to our relationship, " she began. "When
Tom and I were dating, we felt so good about each other. We had
everything going for us, and we seemed to communicate so well. We did
go a bit farther physically than we had planned, but it all seemed so
right.

   "Now we haven't even reached our first anniversary, and we feel like
strangers. We don't understand each other emotionally -- and sexually,
there's nothing there. It's become a duty that I perform for him, and
he doesn't seem to think that it's very special either. How on earth
could two people change so much so quickly?"

   This is a sad and frustrating story that unfortunately is too
familiar to pastors and counselors who do marital and premarital
counseling. The most frustrating part for me is to realize that many
such experiences could have been prevented if the counselors in
premarital sessions had better comprehended the problem.

   A MISUNDERSTOOD RELATIONSHIP

   One of the very important topics I discuss in my first session with
young couples preparing for marriage is the issue of their sexual
relationship. In a society so permeated with sexual stimuli, this topic
is pathetically misunderstood.

   Premarital sexual restraint is clearly taught in Scripture. In
passages such as 1 Corinthians 10:8-12 and Colossians 3:5-6 the
warnings against fornication and promiscuity shout their message.
Although the passages do not elaborate on the reasoning behind the
commands, it takes some fancy text-twisting (or just plain blindness)
to sidestep he admonition of biblical writers. That our society is so
receptive to a message different from the Bible's only adds to the
confusion.

   There seems to be an assumption among many Christians of all ages
that premarital sex should be permitted. Or at least it is not as
sinful or damaging as it used to be. Sincere Christian young people,
encouraged by the lax standards of the times, ask questions that demand
answers:

   "Isn't God more interested in love and relationship than a marriage
license? Since we're committed to each other, why wait for a piece of
paper? ... Why not 'practice' our sexual response to each other just
like we 'practice' other things before marriage, like communication and
decision-making? ... Isn't it rigid and legalistic to adhere to a set
of ethics from a totally different culture and context? ... We love
each other and we will get married. Isn't that what's important?"

   To young people asking these questions, the response most often
given is warnings about venereal disease and unwanted pregnancy. If
these answers are the only support for premarital chastity, then young
people will conclude Scripture is outdated and has nothing to say about
today's morality crisis.

   Every couple coming to me for counseling who have had premarital
sexual relations have had post marital sexual adjustment problems.
Because of this, whenever I see a couple (whether Christian or
non-Christian) for premarital counseling, I require one major
commitment from them in order for us to be effective in accomplishing
some goals. I ask them to agree to refrain from sexual intercourse
until their wedding night.

   If they do not consent to my request, I inform them there is no way
we can prepare them realistically for marriage.

   I've never had a couple refuse to make this commitment after hearing
my reasons for it.

   THREE REASONS FOR MAINTAINING PURITY

   The first reason for refraining from sex before marriage is a
general one, and may sound simplistic to some. It is impossible to read
1 Corinthians 6:12-20 and 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 and then contend that
God will condone sexual indulgence. Christians need to establish a
pattern of obedience to God and His Word.

   It is easy for some to say that God is understanding and forgiving,
and He will let us bypass His rules on sexual purity. After all, we can
learn obedience in other areas of life. Of course, we know that God is
understanding and forgiving, but that is not the point here. Why does
He warn us so clearly in these passages if there is not a good reason
for premarital sexual abstinence?

   The second reason for this commitment is that there is a difference
between the "artificial intimacy" accompanying sexual intercourse and
true interpersonal intimacy.

   Presumably, a couple comes for premarital counseling in order to get
to know one another more fully, to deepen their intimacy.

   In our society we have learned to call sex "intimate, " but this is
a deceptively false notion. True intimacy is familiarity characterizing
one's deepest nature, a close association marked by warm friendship
developing through long association.

   A couple's sexual relationship is what I call "artificial intimacy,
" because it feels intimate but is not. To be intimate with a person is
to be open, vulnerable, emotionally exposed and trusting. Sexual
intercourse can occur without any of that! It is physically possible
for a person to have sex with a complete stranger, and to have a
mistaken sense of intimacy that is only very remotely related to true,
interpersonal intimacy.

   Because this is true, sex can be used to replace true intimacy. If
there is tension or conflict in the relationship, a couple can often go
to bed, feel great about each other, and never resolve the real issue.
This pattern will not become evident until resentment has built to a
point where sex no longer feels intimate because the emotional barriers
are so high.

   Then a person's response is usually one of hopelessness. All the
"love" has gone out of the marriage and there is nothing left.

   This pattern can also develop after the wedding of course, but by
pursuing sexual intercourse before the marriage commitment, a couple
set a trap for their relationship by breaking down the process of
intimate communication before it has a chance to develop and be tested.

   A couple's relationship can be compared to a steam pipe for which
pressure is released by a valve. The pipe has several weak spots which
would burst were it not for the safety valve. But the weak spots are
invisible, they are not repaired, and they eventually corrode and
destroy the pipe.

   A couple can have several weak points in their communication pattern
(which is the area of real intimacy) but will find release in the
safety valve of sexual relations. If a couple is to prepare
realistically for marriage, they need to find the weak areas in their
communication process without resorting to the safety valve of sex. By
not shutting off the valve they set themselves up for potentially
serious marital problems later on, and thus thwart the purpose of
premarital counseling.

   THE FETISH OF SEXUAL AROUSAL

   The third reason for premarital sexual abstinence may be the most
significant. It happens that the sexual arousal of most of us can be
conditioned very quickly (perhaps more readily than any other
physiological response) by continual exposure to sexually stimulating
pictures, books, movies and other objects. We then make a "fetish" of
those objects in that they become necessary for our sexual arousal.

   When a couple are sexually involved prior to the marriage
commitment, they are conditioning themselves to respond to a fetish.
The process is subtle and often devastating to sexual enjoyment after
marriage.

   Here's why. There is in nearly everyone, especially those raised in
a Judeao Christian culture, an awareness that premarital sex is wrong.
It may be deeply buried, repressed, ignored or openly justified, but
it's there. Something deep inside each person engaged in illicit,
premarital sex says, "We shouldn't be doing this." And that's what
makes it exciting.

   There is something definitely stimulating in the wrongness and
illicitness of the act.

   That illicitness can be translated into other terms: "What if
someone finds out? ... I'll show my folks I can do what I want. ... See
how much we love each other. ... No outdated church is going to control
me." Whatever is said, that illicitness is part of the sexual arousal
prior to marriage, and the couple is conditioning themselves to respond
to it.

   "SOMETHING DIED ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT"

   I have talked with many married couples who have said, "Before we
were married we had a great sex life! Exciting, fulfilling and
enjoyable. But on our wedding night, for some reason, it died. It has
never been very good since."

   What happened on their wedding night? That illicitness which had
become a conditioned sexual stimulation was taken away. After the
formal wedding vows, no one would be offended by their living together;
they were no longer proving anything to an authority figure. In fact,
sex was now mandatory. When the illicitness was taken away, there was
only a big, black, gaping hole in their relationship. Intimacy had
broken down.

   So how does a person recapture that illicitness which makes sex so
exciting? One simple method is to have an affair. Bingo! Great sex
again! (There is also something in each of us that says extramarital
sex is wrong.) This seems to be a common solution today. So the
marriage bonds crumble, and the divorce rate climbs.

   There are other ways to solve the problem and untangle the
confusion, but they aren't easy, they aren't fast, and they generally
require professional help. The roots of the problem reach back into the
premarital relationship pattern. The couple have unintentionally set
themselves up for failure by disobeying the warnings of Scripture.

   A PRICE TO PAY

   "But it feels so right!" We hear that statement so often without
thoughtful evaluation that it seems to ring true. But God has said that
premarital sex is wrong. There is a price to pay for sin, and often it
is very high: unwanted pregnancy, broken relationships, lost trust,
distorted intimacy -- the list goes on and on.

   God does not always explain the reasoning behind His commands. God
simply gives His Word that we might have abundant life. Satan loves to
confuse and distort those commands, and then justify their violation.
God will forgive Christians for their sin, but often eternal
forgiveness does not eliminate their natural human consequences.

   Those who work with young people need to understand the deception of
premarital sex. Young people need to be taught how to communicate in a
wholesome way with others, and then how to establish a reasonable,
understandable, biblical standard in their sexual expression. In light
of the sexual distortions we face every day, this is no small task!

   Sexual relationship between man and woman is God's gift to
ultimately express total oneness. But it is God's plan that sexual
intercourse be preceded by intimate emotional commitment and the
exchange of lifetime vows. Premarital sexual intercourse begins that
subtle process that deteriorates relationships, and all too often this
effect is not evident until that commitment is tested under stress.
Unfortunately, then it is usually too late.

   Rev. Elmer Magnussen is the Pastor of Evangelism and Discipleship at
the McLean Bible Church, McLean, VA.
