FAM:Cultivating Affection in Your Marriage  by Willard F. Harley Jr.

   (c)1987 Focus on the Family

   When Jane fell in love with Richard, she knew she had found her
prince. At six feet three inches, Richard's 195 pounds were as lean and
muscular at age 23 as they had been when Jane admired him on the
basketball court in high school. Ruggedly handsome, Richard was the
strong, silent type, which only made him more intriguing to Jane. Dates
with Richard felt exciting, and when he held her in his arms the
passion level went right off the scale.

   "We've got the right chemistry, " Jane assured herself.

   However, after just a few months of marriage, the passion began to
pall. Jane started noticing something a bit odd: Whenever she cuddled
up for a hug or a little kiss, Richard became sexually aroused almost
immediately. Almost without exception, physical contact led straight to
the bedroom.

   Jane also learned that Richard's "strong, silent" courting style had
covered his tendencies for extreme moodiness and keeping almost
everything to himself. Before they married, Richard had told Jane that
his mother had died when he was just 10, and his father and two older
brothers raised him. She hadn't thought too much of it. "That's
probably why he's so rugged and manly, " she told herself.

   Jane didn't realize that Richard had grown up in a home where
displays of affection were not frequent before his mother died, and
afterward they became almost nonexistent. He literally didn't know how
to give affection, because he had received so little himself. For
Richard, AFFECTION in marriage was synonymous with SEX, something that
left Jane feeling disillusioned and used. As their marriage approached
its first anniversary, Richard's account in Jane's "Love Bank" barely
held its own. (before the story continues, let's define the term "Love
Bank." To help my clients understand how powerful and all-consuming a
person's needs can become, I have invented a rather artificial little
device that I call the Love Bank.

   Figuratively speaking, I believe each of us has a Love Bank.

   It contains many different accounts, one for each person we know.
People make their deposits or withdrawals whenever we interact with
them. Pleasurable interactions cause deposits, and painful interactions
cause withdrawals. As life goes on, the accounts in our Love Banks
fluctuate. Some of our acquaintances build sizable deposits. Others
remain in the black, but have small balances. Still others go into the
red.

   In short, their accounts in our Love Banks are overdrawn. Now lets
get back to our story.) At work, Jane was transferred to a new
department, and there she met Bob, a warm and affable fellow who loved
everyone. Bob had the habit of draping his arm over the shoulder of
whomever he walked with--male and female alike. No one took offense. He
was just a friendly man who liked everybody.

   Jane noticed that she started to look forward to Bob's occasional
hugs. They always made her feel good -- warm and comfortable and cared
for. One day they met in the hall.

   "Hi, Jane, how ya doin'?" Bob greeted her as he gave her a little
hug.

   "You know, Bob," she said. "I've meant to tell you for a long time
how much I appreciate your hugs. It's nice to meet a man who likes to
do that."

   "Well, then, come here!" he laughed and gave her another hug and a
little kiss on the cheek.

   Jane tried to act calm, but that little peck started her heart
pounding. It continued pounding in the following weeks as she started
receiving little notes from Bob. They were always tasteful and sweet.
One said, "Good morning! Hope your day is full of blessings. You're a
fine person and you deserve the best. Your friend, Bob."

   Jane began to reciprocate with notes of her own. Before long she
began to look forward to the arrival of Bob's latest note as the high
point of her day. Sometimes he would bring her a little bouquet of
flowers. That made her feel like a true princess.

   They lunched together several times, and Bob's account in Jane's
Love Bank climbed steadily. Jane found herself craving every expression
of the gentle affection she received from Bob -- the hugs, the smiles,
the notes. Finally, she wrote a note to him: "I can't help it. I think
I'm falling in love with you."

   Bob didn't respond in kind, but he continued to show Jane kindness
and affection. The weeks went by, and one day they found themselves
alone together in a secluded spot they had chosen for a hurried
lunch-hour picnic. As they packed up to leave, Jane's hand touched
Bob's, and she gave it a squeeze.

   Bob responded with an especially affectionate hug, and what followed
came so naturally Jane couldn't believe it. Making love with Bob was
the most exciting experience of her life because she knew he cared so
much for her.

   In the following weeks, they slipped off together as often as
possible for passionate lovemaking. Jane believed that having sex with
Bob was wonderful, because she could release all her emotions and
become thoroughly involved. Bob's genuine affection made her feel loved
and cared for as a person.

   What had happened? Did Jane's wedding vows mean nothing to her? Was
she just waiting for her chance to two-time her husband? Hardly. Jane
simply felt so starved for affection that she was willing to have an
affair! Of course, this does not justify the sin she and Bob committed.

   AFFECTION IS THE CEMENT OF A RELATIONSHIP

   To most women, affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort
and approval, vitally important commodities in their eyes. When a
husband shows his wife affection, he sends the following messages:

   1. I'll take care of you and protect you. You are important to me,
and I don't want anything to happen to you.

   2. I'm concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you.

   3. I think you've done a good job, and I'm so proud of you.

   A hug can say any and all of the above. Men need to understand how
strongly women desire these affirmations. FOR THE TYPICAL WIFE, THERE
CAN HARDLY BE ENOUGH OF THEM.

   I believe hugging is a skill most men need to develop to show their
wives affection. It is also a simple but effective way to build their
accounts in a wife's Love Bank.

   Most women love to hug. They hug each other, they hug children,
animals, relatives -- even stuffed animals. I'm not saying they will
throw themselves into the arms of just anyone:

   They can get quite inhibited about hugging if they think it could be
misinterpreted in a sexual way. But the rest of the time, across most
countries and cultures, women hug and like to be hugged.

   Obviously, a man can display affection in other ways that can be
equally important to a woman. A greeting card or a note expressing love
and care can simply but effectively communicate the same emotions.
Don't forget that all-time favorite -- a bouquet of flowers. Women,
almost universally, love to receive flowers. Occasionally, I meet a man
who likes to receive them, but most do not. For a majority of women,
however, flowers send a powerful message of love and concern.

   An invitation to dinner also signals affection. It is a way of
saying to one's wife, "You don't need to do what you ordinarily do for
me. I'll treat you instead. You are special to me, and I want to show
you how much I love and care for you."

   Jokes abound on how, almost immediately after the wedding, a wife
has to find her own way in and out of cars, houses, restaurants, and so
on. But a smart husband will open the door for her at every opportunity
-- another way to tell her, "I love you and care about you."

   From a woman's point of view, affection is the essential cement of
her relationship with a man. Without it, a woman probably feels
alienated from her mate. With it she becomes tightly bonded to him
while he adds units to his Love Bank account.

   BUT SHE KNOWS I'M NOT THE AFFECTIONATE TYPE

   Men must get through their heads this vital idea: WOMEN FIND
AFFECTION IMPORTANT IN ITS OWN RIGHT. They love the feeling that
accompanies both the bestowal and reception of affection, but IT HAS
NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX. Most of the affection they give and receive is
not intended to be sexual. You might better compare it to the emotions
they exchange with their children or pets.

   All of this confuses the typical male. He sees showing affection as
part of sexual foreplay, and he is normally aroused in a flash. In
other cases, men simply want to skip the affection business; they are
aroused already.

   Lets look in on a hypothetical couple we'll call Brenda and Bruce.
They have been having tension lately because Brenda hasn't responded to
Bruce's requests for sex. As our scene opens, she senses Bruce has that
look in his eye again, and she tries to head him off at the pass:
"Bruce, let's just relax for a few minutes. Then maybe you can hold my
hand, and we can hug. I'm not ready for sex just like that. I need a
little affection first."

   Bruce bristles with a type of macho impatience and says, "You've
known me for years. I'm not the affectionate type, and I'm not going to
start now!"

   Does this sound incredible or far fetched? I hear versions of it
regularly in my office. That Bruce fails to see the irony in wanting
sex but refusing to give his wife affection would seem amusing if it
weren't so pathetic. A man who growls, "I'm not the affectionate type,
" while reaching for his wife's body to satisfy his desires for sex, is
like a salesman who tries to close a sale by saying, "I'm not the
friendly type-- Sign here you turkey. I've got another appointment
waiting."

   Although they shouldn't have a hard time understanding this simple
logic, men lose track of Harley's First Law of Marriage:

   When it comes to sex and affection, you can't have one without the
other!

   ANY MAN CAN LEARN TO BE AFFECTIONATE

   I believe almost any husband can be taught to be more affectionate.
His best teacher is his wife, if she can:

   1. Put aside her pride. It will do little good to sit and pout, "If
he really loved me, He'd know I need lots of affection."

   2. Be patient. Remember that the typical male does not gave a strong
need for affection. Sex, yes; affection, no. He needs to become aware
of his wife's vital need for affection.

   Affection is so important for women that they become confused when
their husbands don't respond in kind. For example, a wife may call her
husband at work, just to talk. She would love to receive such a call
and is sure he feels the same. She often feels disappointed when he
cuts it short because, "I've got all this stuff to finish by five
o'clock." It doesn't mean the husband doesn't love her; he simply has
different priorities because of a different set of basic needs.

   When I go on a trip, I often find little notes Joyce has packed
among my clothes. she is telling me she loves me, of course, but the
notes send another message as well. Joyce would like to get the same
little notes from me, and I have tried to leave such notes behind -- on
her pillow, for example -- when I go out of town.

   My needs for protection, approval and care are not the same as hers,
nor are they met in similar ways. I've had to discover these
differences and act accordingly. For example, when we stroll through a
shopping center, it is important to her that we hold hands, something
that would not occur to me naturally or automatically. She has
encouraged me to take her hand, and I'm glad to do so, because I know
she enjoys that and it says something she wants to hear.

   When I try to explain this kind of hand holding to some husbands in
my counseling office, they may question my manhood a bit. Isn't my wife
"leading me by the nose" so to speak? I reply that in my opinion
nothing could be further from the truth. If holding Joyce's hand in a
shopping center makes her feel loved and cherished, I would be a fool
to refuse to do it because I thought not doing it would make me look
"macho." I appreciate her coaching on how to show affection. I promised
to care for her when I married her, and I meant every word of it. If
she explains how I can best give her the care she wants, I'm happy to
learn, because I want her happiness.

   Almost all men need some instruction in how to become more
affectionate. The men who are good at it learned how to do it from good
coaches -- perhaps a former girlfriend. So, unless a wife wants to pay
a counselor to do it later in her marriage, early on she will
understand she is the proper teacher for her husband when it comes to
teaching him how to be affectionate, and she will take appropriate
action.

   Women find it hard to do this, because they want such behavior from
their husbands to at least appear spontaneous. But any new behavior is
not spontaneous until it is well learned.

   Remember the two prerequisites already mentioned: Put aside your
pride and be patient.

   First, help your husband feel good about displaying affection.

   Whatever you do, never nag or hang on him or try to force some
affection out of him. This kind of negative reinforcement will only
make him more cold and distant. Instead create situations that lend
themselves to positive reinforcement.

   Rather than waiting for him to slip up behind you to do his
customary caressing that usually ends with your telling him, "Not now,
I'm trying to make dinner," it might be better to take the direct
approach. One simple scenario, played out in the privacy of a living
room could go like this:

   PEGGY: (after turning down the television): "I'm interrupting this
program to ask you an important question. Do you love me?"

   PETE: (a bit puzzled and anxious to get his newscast back): "Of
course, you know I do."

   PEGGY: "Then give me a little hug -- just a little one so I know you
care about me." (She slips into Pete's arms, gets her hug, and slips
out again.) As she turns the TV back up she says: "Thanks, I needed
that."

   Another approach to affection lessons can be make in the semi-
privacy of the family car:

   ALICE: (sliding over on the seat): "Remember when we were dating and
you used to drive everywhere with one hand?"

   AL: "Yup, it's a wonder I didn't get a ticket or in an accident."

   ALICE: (snuggling close and putting her head on his shoulder):
"Could you see if you haven't lost your touch? If we get stopped, I'll
explain everything to the policeman."

   There are other approaches, of course. Every wife needs to develop
one that will work for her. It could be something as simple as:

   * Slipping your hand into his as you walk into church.

   * Mentioning how cool the movie theater's air conditioning is as you
gently tug to get his arm around you.

   Follow this cardinal rule when coaching your husband in the fine art
of affection: Keep it casual. Listen and watch carefully. If he
communicates any feelings of discomfort -- verbal or nonverbal -- just
back off and try again later.

   Remember to build your strategy on positive reinforcement, and aim
at helping your husband develop a habit of displaying the kind of
affection that doesn't always have to lead automatically to sex.

   SEX BEGINS WITH AFFECTION

   Over the years, I have seen nothing more devastating to a marriage
than an affair, because it destroys the one-flesh bond of a husband and
wife. Sadly enough, most affairs start because of a lack of affection
(for the wife) and lack of sex (for the husband). It is quite a vicious
circle. She doesn't get enough affection, so she shuts him off
sexually. He doesn't get enough sex, so the last thing he feels like
being is affectionate.

   I constantly deal with couples caught on this kind of merry-go-
round, but it is anything but merry. I STRIVE TO GET THEM TO STOP THE
MERRY-GO-ROUND, GET OFF, AND START BUILDING A RELATIONSHIP ON MUTUAL
CARING, NOT MUTUAL NEEDING.

   Some husbands don't feel too happy at first when I explain that
affection is the ENVIRONMENT of the marriage, and sex is an EVENT. But
even the most sex-hungry husband will agree that you can't have sex ALL
the time. You should, however, have affection all the time, because it
forms the canopy that lovingly covers a marriage and provides shelter
for the lover's couch.

   I work diligently to get such a husband to see that he must shower
his wife with affection, but without sex. I explain that sex can come
naturally enough and often, IF THERE IS ENOUGH AFFECTION.

   I have a simple plan. The husband sets as his goal making affection
his ordinary way of relating continuously to his wife. He doesn't just
turn on affection now and then in order to get some sex. Whenever he
and his wife come together, a big hug and a kiss should be routine. In
fact, almost every interaction between a husband and wife should
include affectionate words and gestures. Am I saying they have to
constantly hug, kiss and whisper sweet nothings? Not at all, but I do
believe every marriage should have an atmosphere that says, "I like
you, I'm fond of you, I really do love you, and I know you love me."

   Women need affection regularly and often, at least several times a
day. A hug in the morning before getting out of bed, a kiss good-bye as
he leaves for work, a call during the day, a card now and again in the
mail, a big hug and kiss upon arriving home, seating her at the dinner
table, holding hands in front of the television set -- all these create
the environment of affection.

   Sex, on the other hand, is an event, and in and of itself, a special
occasion. There should be a time and a place for it.

   In that setting, affection comes into play as a part of sexual
intercourse.

   At this point many men become confused. If I want him to save sex
for special occasions, what does a husband do with his natural feelings
of arousal, which can be triggered simply by looking at his wife in
just about any setting? When counseling husbands on this, I teach them
how to discipline their thinking and reorient their behavior so they no
longer make a direct connection between affection and sex.

   Some men don't find it easy. They want to know if they have to go
back to the "just take a cold shower" routine they got when they were
courting their wives. I reply that they need not take the cold showers,
but it wouldn't hurt to remember how they acted toward their wives when
they dated. They showed plenty of affection and attention then. The
usual routine included dinner and perhaps a show or some other form of
entertainment. Throughout the evening the young man treated the young
lady with respect and tenderness. On the way home they often stopped to
park and admire a lovely view. He slipped his arm around her and both
of them seemed to enjoy the physical contact that followed.

   A lot of husbands do remember the passionate encounters of their
courting day and want to know, "Why doesn't she get turned on the way
she used to, now that we're married?"

   I patiently explain that she isn't getting turned on NOW because he
isn't treating her as he did THEN. Does he think getting married
suddenly eliminates the woman's need for affection? A man should work
as carefully and patiently at showing affection in his marriage as he
did when he and his wife dated. This sounds simplistic to some men;
they think I am chiding them for not "being romantic enough." Don't I
know that the romantic stuff is impractical and unnecessary when you're
married?

   I respond that I know no such thing. In fact, I suggest they have
put things in total reverse and could be asking for real trouble. Wives
treated with little or no romance are ripe for an affair.

   Why? In most cases, in order for a woman to willingly have sex with
a man, she needs to feel one with him in spirit. A couple achieves this
one-spirit unity through the exchange of affection and the passage of
time. A woman's need for one- spirit unity helps us understand how
affairs develop. Only after a woman has received affection for a time
will she become one with a man physically, but affection MUST come
before sex.

   In the typical affair, a woman has sex with a man after he has
demonstrated his love for her by showering her with affection.

   Because her lover has expressed such care for her, the physical
union is usually characterized by a degree of ecstasy otherwise unknown
to the woman in her marriage.

   All this misleadingly makes affairs sound like forbidden fruit and
far more exciting than marriage could ever be. In truth, any marriage
can have the sizzle of an affair, if it has that strong one-spirit bond.

   Husbands will have little trouble interesting their wives in sex if
they have laid the proper groundwork with plenty of affection. When you
face such a troubled marriage, look for the lack of groundwork. Without
the environment of affection, the sexual event is not predictably
pleasant for the woman.

   All too often, she reluctantly agrees to have sex with her husband,
even though she feels she won't have that great a time. In an affair,
however, the conditions that guarantee a good time -- the bonding that
comes with affection and caring -- are met. Her lover has taken time to
create the right environment. Consequently, she feels sexually aroused
just at the thought of him.

   In most couples I see during counseling, I try to help the husband
to see that for his wife, affection has meaning far beyond anything he
can imagine. A woman experiences immeasurable pleasure from the
sensations she receives through affection. Although these sensations
are not the same ones she enjoys during sexual arousal and intercourse,
they form a vital part of the relationship, because without them she
usually cannot get the most from a sexual experience.

   Many husbands have this all backwards. Because they can become
aroused without giving it a thought, they think women can too.

   Most women give sex quite a bit of thought and usually give
themselves permission to become sexually aroused. Customarily they make
a deliberate, conscious decision.

   When counseling wives in troubled marriages, I usually have little
difficulty talking them into having more sex with their husbands. For a
woman, having sex is a decision, more mental than physical. Husbands
who remain unaware of this basic difference in women often feel
troubled when their wives suddenly become sexually responsive to them
as a result of talking to me. They suspect that I must use some charm
or technique which they lack. They often ask me, "What did you tell
her?"

   Just as women prefer that their husbands' affection be spontaneous
and not learned behavior, so men would like to think of their wives'
sexual response to them as being spontaneous. Understand that meeting
each other's needs is seldom a spontaneous, "natural" process. You need
to learn a new behavior. I must add, however, that I find it much
easier to "talk a woman into having sex with her husband" if he at
least makes some kind of effort to be affectionate.

   Women have a choice when it comes to sex, but when offered affection
they have little resistance, because it is perhaps their deepest
emotional need. In describing their need for affection, I realize I've
confronted men quite strongly about learning to become affectionate,
and that may seem rather one-sided. But all I've said here will prove
of little value if a wife fails to understand that her husband has an
equally deep need for sex. To the typical man, sex is like air or
water. He doesn't have any "options."

   If a wife fails to understand the power of the male sex appetite,
she will wind up with a husband who is tense or frustrated at best. At
worst, he may start looking for somebody else and, tragically enough,
find that someone all too easily. All this need not occur if men learn
to be more affectionate and wives respond with more eagerness to make
love. As Harley's first law says: WHEN IT COMES TO SEX AND AFFECTION,
YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER.

   QUESTIONS FOR HIM:

   1. On a scale of one to 10, with 10 being "very affectionate, " how
affectionate am I toward my wife? How would she rate me?

   2. Is affection the environment for our entire marriage?

   3. In the past, have I tended to equate affection with getting
sexually aroused? Why hasn't this worked?

   4. In what specific ways do I show my wife affection?

   5. Would I be willing to have her coach me in how to show her more
affection in the ways she really likes it?

   QUESTIONS FOR HER:

   1. Is affection as important to me as this booklet claims?

   2. If I'm not getting enough affection from my husband, and I
willing to put aside my pride and patiently coach him?

   3. Would I find it easier to make love if I felt he were truly
interested in me and affectionate toward me?

   CONSIDER TOGETHER:

   1. Do we need to talk about affection? If so, what exactly do we
need to share?

   2. Is there enough affection in our marriage? What examples can we
give?

   3. How can we have "affection practice?" What is comfortable for
both of us?

   Dr. Harley has over 20 years of experience as a marriage counselor.
He is a licensed clinical psychologist and director of a network of
mental health clinics and chemical dependency programs in Minnesota.

   The above material is excerpted from Dr. Harley's book HIS NEEDS,
HER NEEDS (c)1986 by William F. Harley Jr., and was used with
permission of Fleming H. Revell Company.
