FAM:Husbands love your Wives  by Ken Smith

   Let me begin by saying that, as a former single, I am very sensitive
to the needs of singles and I try to direct my articles to the entire
Body of Christ. Nevertheless, sometimes there are things unique to the
marriage relationship that need to be addressed. Therefore, I would
encourage those of you who are single to read this article with an eye
toward becoming the person God wants you to be if He does bless you
with a mate.

   Although this article is addressed to Christian husbands, I am quite
sure that it will be read with a good deal of interest by their
Christian wives. I would encourage those of you in the latter category
to let the article speak to your husband with no assistance from you.
It's one thing for your husband to read the article and hear from God.
It's quite another for your husband to read the article and hear from
you about what Ken Smith has to say about what God says. Obviously, the
better you relationship is, the less circumspect you need to be.

   LOVE IS A DECISION, NOT AN EMOTION

   And now let's address the subject at hand. How can we men be the
kind of husbands God wants us to be to our wives? First, I believe each
of us need to understand that love is a decision, not an emotion. Love
is something we must decide to do, not something we should wait to feel
like doing. Its most comprehensive definition is found in I
Corinthians, chapter 13, where we find that love is patient and kind.
It does not envy or boast. It is not proud, rude, self-seeking or
easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in
evil but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, trusts, hopes,
and perseveres.

   LOVING OUR WIVES IS NOT OPTIONAL

   The second thing we need to recognize is that loving our wives is
not optional. In Ephesians 5:25 we are commanded to love them.
Conscious failure to do so is sin. Although preachers and theologians
spend much time and fill many books defining love, each of us husbands
has a pretty good idea of whether or not we are loving our wives as
Christ loved the church. If you intentionally and consciously have
failed to love your wife as you should, you can be sure that many of
the other things that are out of balance in your life can be traced to
this decision. For sin (conscious disobedience) carries with it many
predicable consequences, as well as some that are not so predictable.
The answer to sin is acknowledgement of it, confession, repentance, and
where appropriate, restitution. If you wish to improve your
relationship with God, improve your relationship with your wife and
watch things begin to happen.

   You may say, "That's just great for you to say, Ken, but you're not
married to my wife." My response is: if you wife is not so lovable,
what made her that way? When you married her, something motivated you
to make that commitment. Whether or not it was love then, it is within
your power not to determine that from this point forward you will love
her. As you make that decision and begin to act on it, I can assure you
that God will bless your obedience. The chances are very good that He
will also bless your wife, and as she discovers that you are really
serious (which may take a while), she might also turn out to be a
person you never suspected existed. You are not responsible for her
loving you. You are only responsible for loving her. Conduct yourself
in a fashion pleasing to God and see if He doesn't reward you through
your wife.

   HUSBANDS MUST LEARN TO BE SUBMITTED

   Another important lesson for husbands to learn is submission.
Scripture tells us that wives should submit to their husbands. I
believe that it's just as important for husbands to submit to their
wives. Rather than making unilateral decisions as the "head of the
wife," husbands must recognize that God's best involves decision making
by consensus between husband and wife. There will be times when you and
your wife are not in agreement and a decision needs to be made. That is
the point at which the wife needs to accede to the husband's position
as her head. I suspect, however, that the more we engage in decision
making by consensus with our wives, the fewer instances there will be
of actual disagreement.

   How let's turn to some of the practical aspects of loving our wives.
It's a good idea to begin by ascertaining what kind of a relationship
you actually have with your wife. Let me use the example of a couple I
counseled about their finances last year. On the surface they gave the
impression that they had a pretty good relationship but were simply
overburdened by their financial problems. During the course of our
counseling session, however, I asked each of them to rate their
marriage. On a scale of zero to ten, she gave it a zero. He gave it a
two. I suggested that they apply some of the techniques that I am about
to suggest to you and that they come back in six weeks. When they
returned, I asked them the same question. This time the husband gave
their relationship a six, and she was up to a two. Actually, her body
language convinced me that their relationship had improved well beyond
a two, but she wasn't sure it wasn't just another flash in the pan. She
was reserving judgment on their relationship until she saw enough
progress over a long enough period of time to be willing to relax her
defense.

   As I've shared with some of you in a prior article, I ask Pat that
same question years ago, fully expecting at least an eight. She gave me
a two. I was underwhelmed, to say the least. After discussing with her
those things I could do to raise my two to an eight, I conscientiously
applied myself to the task and, within a relatively short time, had
earned an eight. I then asked her what if would take to get to ten.
That's where the rubber really met the road. It took real diligence on
my part and considerable longer to get my ten. In fact, she began to
measure my progress in fractions. But get it I did. (Since then, I have
just assumed that I have a ten!)

   What are the techniques I suggested to that couple? Absolutely the
most important thing you can do to improve your relationship with you
wife is be sure that your relationship with God is on sound footing. To
do this, you must spend quality time with God on an on-going, regular
basis. Begin with at least fifteen minutes per day and set a goal of
working toward one hour per day. During this time you can read your
Bible, pray and give God an opportunity to be part of your thinking
process.

   PRAY WITH YOUR WIFE

   Another thing that holds great potential for success is praying
together with your wife. If she is unwilling to pray in front of you,
perhaps she would be willing to join you while you pray aloud. If your
relationship is so off-track that she will not even listen to you pray,
then I would encourage you to immediately increase your regular daily
time with God. Ask Him to move her to that point in her relationship
with Him that she will pray with you. Establish a regular time each day
to pray together and give that time the highest priority. Take whatever
steps are necessary to prevent interruption including, if necessary,
taking the phone off the hook and instructing children that you are not
to be disturbed. If you have very small ones, you may need to pray
together while they are asleep. During this prayer time you will find
that you are willing to tell God things about yourself and about your
relationship with your wife that you have been unable to tell her
directly. As she listens to your conversation with the Lord, she will
become much more open to discussing things with Him in front of you.
This process can be very reinforcing. In a relatively short period of
time, you will find yourselves talking to each other through God in a
way you never imagined possible. Just set aside five or ten minutes to
begin this process and see where God takes you.

   DECIDE HOW YOU CAN PLEASE HER

   Next, determine some of the things you need to do to please your
wife. then make a list and begin to do them. Better yet, let her make
the list. Establish a regular time each day or each week that you will
work on her priorities. As she sees your best intentions translating
into action, you'll begin to see a much more lovable mate than you
might otherwise ever have imagined.

   A forth important technique is to get your finances straight. Sit
down with your wife and establish a budget. If you don't know how to do
that, come to one of our seminars in the Washington DC area or contact
Christian Financial Concepts in Dahlonega, Georgia (404/864-4570). If
the seminar is not enough, come on in for personal counseling.
Generally speaking, a wife's freedom from anxiety is directly
proportional to the state of the family's finances.

   Establish predictability in your relationship. Schedule certain
things to happen at certain times and be faithful to observe the
schedule. At least one family meal should be scheduled daily with all
family members in attendance. Each family member should have a regular
time to go to bed and a regular time to get up. One of the biggest
myths encountered in the husband-wife relationship is that both spouses
need to go to bed at the same time. While there's certainly nothing
wrong with that if both are in agreement, you should not insist that
your wife go to bed when you do. In fact, you'll find increasing
freedom in your relationship if you will give her the freedom to
determine her own bedtime and rising time.

   SPEND QUALITY TIME TOGETHER

   Spend quality time with your wife and on a regular basis. Ask her
how much of your time she wishes to have and give that a priority
second only to your time with God. If you think she's being
unreasonable, come to one of our Time Management seminars. I'll be glad
to referee.

   It's extremely important to your wife that she be able to rely on
what you have told her. Therefore, be reliable. Commit yourself to
following through on what you have promised. When you fail, go to you
wife and ask her to forgive you. Unless you are habitually unreliable
she will, and asking for forgiveness will do worlds for your
relationship.

   Be thoughtful. Telephone her once each day just to let her know
you're thinking of her. Flowers are almost universally appreciated by
wives, and they don't have to be expensive.

   You and your wife may wish to go on a retreat together. There are a
number of Christian retreats and conferences which are designed
specifically to strengthen marriages. One that Pat and I have benefited
from throughout our marriage is the Family Life Conference headed by
Dennis Rainey of Campus Crusade for Christ. Their next conference in
the Washington DC area will be 15-17 April at the McLean Hilton Hotel.
For this year's conference schedule in other cities, write. Family Life
Ministry, P.O. Box 23840, Little Rock, Arkansas 72221-3840.

   WIVES PRAY FOR YOU HUSBANDS

   In conclusion, a brief word to the wives: pray for your husband. As
you identify areas in his life that need the assistance of the Holy
Spirit, don't make the mistake of doing God's work for Him. You may
need to limit your efforts to prayer and rejoice as God answers them.
You may also need to concentrate on the characteristics of love
identified earlier in this article, particulary patience. Concentrate
on the positive aspects of your relationship with your husband and
rejoice as those areas increase. Husbands, see what you can do between
now and Valentine's Day to get it together.

   Reprinted from Christian Stewardship Ministries' newsletter GLAD
TITHINGS, Fairfax, VA. FEB 88, Volume 7, No. 2

   Christian Stewardship Ministries', The Mosby, Suite A-100, 10560
Main St., Fairfax, VA 22030

by Ken Smith
