FAM:Preserving an exciting marriage  by David L. Brown

                 KEEP THE HOME FIRES BURNING
   (Seven Hints For Preserving An Exciting, Warm Marriage)
                      by David L. Brown
                    Copyright April, 1990

     There are some wonderful things you just don't forget
about your childhood. One of those pleasant memories was
hurrying down to the kitchen on cold winter mornings and
feeling the warm floor under my cold feet. The century old
home that we lived in was well kept and roomy but not very
well insulated.  I had an upstairs bedroom and in the winter
it got plenty cool by the time morning came.  The worst part
was getting out from under the pile of blankets and putting
my bare feet on the cold floor. I did not waste any time
getting to the kitchen because we knew the Round Oak wood
stove in the basement would be fired up and the floors would
be warm.

     I sure enjoyed the warmth. It was wonderful. But it did
not come about without effort.  My dad cut and split wood
regularly throughout the year. It was my job to carry the
wood to the basement. Dad would start the fire before he went
to work and mom would put wood on the fire to keep it going.
As I think back, it took a lot of effort to keep that fire
going, but it was worth it considering the alternative...cold
feet! We all enjoyed  the warmth and so we did our part to
keep the home fires burning.

     Keeping the fire going in the wood stove is much like
keeping the love alive in your marriage, it does not "just
happen." You have to work at it. You must add fuel to the
"love fires" to keep them burning. Unfortunately, married
folks are forgetting that and it is evident.  One survey says
"6 of every 12 marriages become loveless, utilitarian
relationships sustained to protect children, property, shared
careers and other business interests."  In other words, COLD!

     A cold, utilitarian relationship does not appeal to me!
A WARM, LOVING RELATIONSHIP ranks high on my list of
priorities. How about you? If you want to kindle the coals of
love in your marriage relationship, the following suggestions
will add fuel to the fire. It will take effort, but when you
consider the alternative it is worth it!

CARING COMPANIONSHIP

     Psychologist Norman Wright said, "...within each of us
is the hunger for contact, acceptance, belonging, intimate
exchange, responsiveness, support, love and the touch of
tenderness."  A caring partner can fill that need so we do
not have to feel lonely.  God planned it that way when he
created Adam.  Genesis 2:18 says, "It is not good that the
man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him."
Simply stated, God made Adam a companion suited for him.
Neither a beautiful environment nor a variety of animals
would fill the bill.

     Marriage, right from the start, was to be a relationship
based on mutual, caring companionship.  It is not a dictator-
doormat relationship. Paul makes this clear when he begins
talking about husband and wife relationships by saying
"submitting yourselves one to another..." in Ephesians 5:21.

     Couples who want to keep the home fires burning will
make time for each other and that time will be quality time.
Be sure to talk together, work together on projects of mutual
interest, play together, dream together.

     When I was dating my wife to be, we saw each other every
chance we could.  We worked opposite shifts which made things
difficult but NOT impossible. The key was we made time for
each other.

     Too often, after the knot has been tied, the wife is
left isolated.  The husband is off at work or with the boys
while the wife is working, keeping up with the kids, and
minding "the castle."

     Wise couples will carve out time to be with each other.
They will make nurturing their relationship a prime priority
despite the job obligations, children, community and church
commitments. WHY?  Caring for each other and being with each
other is the fuel that keeps the relationship warm.

     There is a second suggestion I want to share with you
that will keep your marriage warm...

COMPLETE COMMITMENT

     Commitment is the cornerstone of strong marriages.
God's blueprint for marriage is clearly drawn in the Bible.
It is, One Man plus One Woman for One Lifetime.  Matthew 19:6
points out the importance of complete commitment when it
says, "What God has joined together, let not man put
asunder."

     So many couples come to the marriage altar with selfish,
unrealistic expectations.  Each person is focusing on what
they can get out of marriage instead of considering what they
must give.  A successful marriage is an exercise in give and
take.

     There are no "story book" marriages.  If you hear of a
marriage that is "perpetual bliss" it is a fairy tale. Why?
Because there are no perfect husbands and no perfect wives.
All marriages have their strengths and weaknesses, their good
times and their difficult times, their highs and their lows.

     So what keeps a marriage going?  The secret fuel that
keeps the love fires burning is the total commitment of one
partner to the other.  By total commitment I mean, the
willingness to hang in there and work things out, in spite of
weaknesses, disappointments and failures.

     One author explained commitment like this... "A
successful marriage is not one in which two people,
beautifully matched find each other and get along happily
ever after because of the initial matching. It is, instead, a
system by means of which persons who are sinful and
contentious are so caught by a dream bigger than themselves
that they work throughout the years, in spite of repeated
disappointment, to make the dream come true." (From The
Recovery Of The Family by Elton Trueblood).  Make it obvious
to your mate that you are committed to making your marriage
work.

     There is another aspect of commitment that needs to be
considered. Be committed to being satisfied with your
partner.  Our society has a morbid preoccupation with what I
call The Septic Tank Syndrome.  Movies, TV, videos, romance
novels, etc. promote the philosophy -- The Grass Is Greener
On The Other Side Of The Fence!  When was the last time you
saw a TV movie where married people were enjoying a
fulfilling relationship with each other?  It is an unusual
show that does not promote the "grass is greener..."
philosophy.  But that philosophy is a MYTH!  Do you know
where the grass is greener?  I have found that the grass is
always greener over the septic tank.  The entertainment media
has disguised the hurt, the broken lives and the tragedy of
marriages shattered by unfaithfulness.  They make adultery
look attractive but it is devastating American families.

     The wisest man who ever lived wrote in Proverbs 5:15-23
of the importance of being satisfied with your marriage
partner. He said, "Drink water out of thine own cistern...
rejoice with the wife of thy youth... let her breasts satisfy
thee at all times; and be thou ravashed always with her
love."  He goes on to say how foolish it is to look outside
of the marriage relationship for satisfaction. I suggest you
get out you Bible and carefully read this passage in its
entirety.

     Commitment means that your mate holds a position of
honor in your life.  That means there is a bond of sexual
exclusiveness between you.

     Complete commitment is the fuel that keeps the marriage
warm.

CHARITABLE COMMUNICATION
     A lady stopped in her pastor's office one day and as
soon as she sat down she was in tears. She said "my husband
can't say a kind word to me! I don't know what to do." The
problem was tearing her and their marriage apart.

     Ephesians 4:15 tells us the importance of "speaking the
truth in love."  That's what I call charitable communication.
Words can be used like weapons. Job of old experienced this
first hand and tells of the hurt misused words caused him.
He said in Job 19:2, "How long will you...break me in pieces
with words."

     There is an old proverb that says, The road to the heart
is the ear.  I believe it.  That explains why many marriages
are growing cold when out of the 10,000 plus minutes in every
week, the average couple spends only 17 minutes in close
communication. That's the chilling fact.

     Peter told husbands that they are to "dwell with them
(their wives) according to knowledge..." in I Peter 3:7. By
that he meant, a man needs to get to know his wife. That will
not happen by accident. It will take time, time spent in
quality communication, time talking and listening.

COMMUNICATION POINTERS

1.   Remember, how you say something is just as important as
     what you say.

2.   Don't forget that "body language" communicates as much
     as your words.

3.   Be a good listener, give thought to what you say before
     you say it and be slow to get angry. (James 1:19-20 &
     Proverbs 17:27)

4.   Be sure to be truthful but use the truth wrapped in love
     and not like a weapon. (Ephesians 4:15)

5.   Be courteous, your partner deserves an opportunity to
     speak without harassment or interruption. (Proverbs
     18:13)

6.   Do not resort to EXAGGERATION to support your argument.
     Exaggeration is inflating the facts beyond the limits of
     truth. Phrases like, "you always...", "You never..." or
     "You're just like..." are exaggerations and should be
     avoided. Exaggerated threats are common also.
     Exaggeration erodes trust, credibility and hinders
     communication. (Ephesians 4:25)

7.   Resolve arguments the same day they occur if at all
     possible so they don't turn into bitterness and
     resentment. (Ephesians 2:26)

If you want to keep the home fires burning, you will sharpen
your communication skills. Charitable (kind) communication
and lots of it adds necessary fuel that keeps the love fires
burning in a marriage.

EXPRESSING APPRECIATION

     I came across a card from American Greetings that
illustrates my point beautifully. It was set up like a Want
Ad in the newspaper it said, and I quote...

                            WANTED:
                            MOTHER

                 Long hours, low pay, little
                 time off. Must be willing to
                  work overtime on weekends,
                holidays, and summer vacation.
              Energy, imagination, intelligence,
             endurance, and flexibility required.
             Must have ability to lead, instruct
              and guide, coupled with a warm and
              loving, affectionate personality.
                 On-the-job training offered.

Inside the card said, THANKS for taking the job, Mom!

     The card could well have applied to a wife or a
husband. The point is this. No one wants to be used. A
husband wants to be more than a pay check and a wife more
than a domestic servant. Everyone needs to know they are
sincerely appreciated. Just knowing that your spouse cares
will go a long way in getting you through tough situations.
And it's right, too. Men, appreciation is a part of what it
means to "cherish" your wife in Ephesians 5:29. Ladies,
appreciation is a part of what it means to "reverence" your
husband in Ephesians 5:33.

     Refuse to take your mate for granted. Kind words of
appreciation, lending a helping hand and creative, unexpected
actions that show you value and esteem your mate will go a
long way in keeping your relationship warm.

     There is a fifth suggestion that is perhaps the most
important suggestion of all when it comes to keeping the
marriage relationship warm.

RESPONSIBILITY AND FORGIVENESS

     All of us bring "excess baggage" into marriage. That
includes personality weaknesses, personal problems, opinions,
ideals, etc. When something goes wrong it is our natural
inclination to "pass the buck."  That is wrong. We must take
responsibility for our own shortcomings and errors. Though it
may be difficult to admit that "I am wrong" or that "I am
a part of the problem" it is a part of our obligation to our
mate. It is a necessity and not an option. When you are
wrong, you need to be mature enough to own up to it.  Both
husbands and wives need to put away their pride and learn to
say, "I'm sorry." A sincere, heartfelt apology will go a long
way in keeping the warmth in a marriage relationship.

     There is the other side of the coin that must be looked
at also. That is forgiveness. Forgiveness is also fuel that
keeps the home fires burning and the relationship warm. Now,
I know some will protest at this point. Their attitude is
similar to what one bitter woman said to her counselor...
"It will be a cold day in hell before I ever forgive my
husband. He does not deserve to be forgiven!" Few will be as
crass as that woman, but many hold the same malignant
attitude. Perhaps she was right. But I must point out
Ephesians 3:13 which says that we are not to hold grudges,
but be tolerant and ready to forgive.  Note the specific
words, "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if
any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave
you, so also do ye." None of us deserve the forgiveness of
our sins. But when you receive Christ as your Savior it is
freely given.  Because Christ has forgiven us, we are to
forgive others.

     When you forgive someone, what does that mean? Dr. Jay
Adams says (I am paraphrasing) First, it means you are
promising and choosing not to use it against the person in
the future.  Second, you are promising and choosing not to
talk to others about it.  Lastly, you are promising and
choosing not to dwell on it yourself.

     Dispense forgiveness in generous amounts. It pays off.

ROMANCE

     The sixth suggestion I offer you is, keep romance alive
in your relationship.  Some will say, "Oh come on now, you
don't ever find romance mentioned in the Bible."

     To be sure, the word "romance" does not appear in the
Bible, but illustrations of it do. Read The Song Of Solomon
or the story of Ruth and Boaz as recorded in the Old
Testament Book of Ruth. There you will find romance in all of
its purity and excitement.

     Did you know that the absence of romantic love is on the
top of the heap as a source of depression among married
women?  Dr. James Dobson says, "A man can be contented with a
kind of business partnership in marriage, provided sexual
privileges are a part of the arrangement. As long as the wife
prepares dinner each evening, is reasonably amiable, and
doesn't nag him during football season, he can be satisfied."
But that is not the case with the wife! She yearns to be her
husband's Special Sweetheart.  She would likely trade the new
TV, her dishwasher or just about anything for a single
expression of genuine tenderness and attention that does not
have to be "paid for" with sex.

     A wise husband will take his wife on dates, remember
anniversaries and special days. He will write her love notes
or get her a small gift for no special reason.

     A word of wisdom to the wives. Don't neglect your
husbands. Husbands appreciate love notes too. He wants you to
be "sexy" for him just as much as you want him to be romantic
with you.

     If you want to keep the home fires burning men, you will
stimulate romance in your relationship. Ladies, if you want
to have a warm marital relationship you will not treat your
physical obligation to your husband as a "necessary evil."

     There is one final suggestion I want to share with you.
It focuses on the spiritual aspect of your relationship.

ACTIVE SPIRITUAL INVOLVEMENT

     The kind of self-giving love needed to sustain a
marriage relationship cannot be generated merely by personal
desire, but it is available. The logical question is, "What
is the source?"  The answer is, "It is available from God,
through his Son, Jesus Christ."

     The Bible says in I John 4:8, "God is love." In order to
tap into the reservoir of God's love a person must believe on
Jesus Christ. The moment you put your faith in Christ, Romans
5:5 tells us, "...the love of God is shed abroad in our
hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." At that
moment God gives you the desire and the power to initiate the
self-giving love needed to sustain your marriage.

     Simply stated, spiritual involvement begins with
personal faith in the risen Savior, Jesus Christ. Have you
ever prayed, admitting to God that you are a sinner? Have you
ever asked the Lord to forgive your sins?  Have you ever told
Christ you believe he died for your sins and arose from the
dead?  Have you ever personally invited Christ to come into
your life and be your Savior from the guilt, penalty and
power of sin?  If not, why not do it right now. You could
pray something like this...

     Dear Lord Jesus, I confess that I am a sinner. Please
     forgive me for all my sins. I believe the Bible which
     says you died to pay for my sins. I believe you arose
     from the dead and are alive today. Please come into my
     life this very moment and be my personal Savior. Thank
     you for hearing and answering my prayer. Amen.

     If you just prayed that prayer and believe what you
prayed, Christ is now your Savior.  That's where spiritual
involvement begins. The next step is to get involved in a
good, solid, Bible preaching church. That is important to
your marriage and a study done by a University of Virginia
sociologist supports that fact. The study found that couples
who attend church regularly are 42% more likely to still be
married for the first time than those couples who don't
attend church.  In addition, reading the Bible and praying
together regularly is important if you are going to keep the
home fires burning.

     Wouldn't you agree that the warmth of being in love
beats the coldness of a utilitarian relationship?  If so, get
busy and start stoking the fire with the fuel... Caring
Companionship, Complete Commitment, Charitable Communication,
Expressing Appreciation, Responsibility and Forgiveness,
Romance, and Active Spiritual Involvement.

David L. Brown is the Pastor of a Baptist Church in the
Milwaukee, Wisconsin area. He and his wife Linda have enjoyed
20 years of marriage. They have three children.
