FAM:Preserving an exciting marriage  by David L. Brown

   KEEP THE HOME FIRES BURNING (Seven Hints For Preserving An Exciting,
Warm Marriage) by David L. Brown Copyright April, 1990

   There are some wonderful things you just don't forget about your
childhood. One of those pleasant memories was hurrying down to the
kitchen on cold winter mornings and feeling the warm floor under my
cold feet. The century old home that we lived in was well kept and
roomy but not very well insulated. I had an upstairs bedroom and in the
winter it got plenty cool by the time morning came. The worst part was
getting out from under the pile of blankets and putting my bare feet on
the cold floor. I did not waste any time getting to the kitchen because
we knew the Round Oak wood stove in the basement would be fired up and
the floors would be warm.

   I sure enjoyed the warmth. It was wonderful. But it did not come
about without effort. My dad cut and split wood regularly throughout
the year. It was my job to carry the wood to the basement. Dad would
start the fire before he went to work and mom would put wood on the
fire to keep it going. As I think back, it took a lot of effort to keep
that fire going, but it was worth it considering the alternative...cold
feet! We all enjoyed the warmth and so we did our part to keep the home
fires burning.

   Keeping the fire going in the wood stove is much like keeping the
love alive in your marriage, it does not "just happen." You have to
work at it. You must add fuel to the "love fires" to keep them burning.
Unfortunately, married folks are forgetting that and it is evident. One
survey says "6 of every 12 marriages become loveless, utilitarian
relationships sustained to protect children, property, shared careers
and other business interests." In other words, COLD!

   A cold, utilitarian relationship does not appeal to me! A WARM,
LOVING RELATIONSHIP ranks high on my list of priorities. How about you?
If you want to kindle the coals of love in your marriage relationship,
the following suggestions will add fuel to the fire. It will take
effort, but when you consider the alternative it is worth it!

   CARING COMPANIONSHIP

   Psychologist Norman Wright said, "...within each of us is the hunger
for contact, acceptance, belonging, intimate exchange, responsiveness,
support, love and the touch of tenderness." A caring partner can fill
that need so we do not have to feel lonely. God planned it that way
when he created Adam. Genesis 2:18 says, "It is not good that the man
should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." Simply stated,
God made Adam a companion suited for him. Neither a beautiful
environment nor a variety of animals would fill the bill.

   Marriage, right from the start, was to be a relationship based on
mutual, caring companionship. It is not a dictator- doormat
relationship. Paul makes this clear when he begins talking about
husband and wife relationships by saying "submitting yourselves one to
another..." in Ephesians 5:21.

   Couples who want to keep the home fires burning will make time for
each other and that time will be quality time. Be sure to talk
together, work together on projects of mutual interest, play together,
dream together.

   When I was dating my wife to be, we saw each other every chance we
could. We worked opposite shifts which made things difficult but NOT
impossible. The key was we made time for each other.

   Too often, after the knot has been tied, the wife is left isolated.
The husband is off at work or with the boys while the wife is working,
keeping up with the kids, and minding "the castle."

   Wise couples will carve out time to be with each other. They will
make nurturing their relationship a prime priority despite the job
obligations, children, community and church commitments. WHY? Caring
for each other and being with each other is the fuel that keeps the
relationship warm.

   There is a second suggestion I want to share with you that will keep
your marriage warm...

   COMPLETE COMMITMENT

   Commitment is the cornerstone of strong marriages. God's blueprint
for marriage is clearly drawn in the Bible. It is, One Man plus One
Woman for One Lifetime. Matthew 19:6 points out the importance of
complete commitment when it says, "What God has joined together, let
not man put asunder."

   So many couples come to the marriage altar with selfish, unrealistic
expectations. Each person is focusing on what they can get out of
marriage instead of considering what they must give. A successful
marriage is an exercise in give and take.

   There are no "story book" marriages. If you hear of a marriage that
is "perpetual bliss" it is a fairy tale. Why? Because there are no
perfect husbands and no perfect wives. All marriages have their
strengths and weaknesses, their good times and their difficult times,
their highs and their lows.

   So what keeps a marriage going? The secret fuel that keeps the love
fires burning is the total commitment of one partner to the other. By
total commitment I mean, the willingness to hang in there and work
things out, in spite of weaknesses, disappointments and failures.

   One author explained commitment like this... "A successful marriage
is not one in which two people, beautifully matched find each other and
get along happily ever after because of the initial matching. It is,
instead, a system by means of which persons who are sinful and
contentious are so caught by a dream bigger than themselves that they
work throughout the years, in spite of repeated disappointment, to make
the dream come true." (From The Recovery Of The Family by Elton
Trueblood). Make it obvious to your mate that you are committed to
making your marriage work.

   There is another aspect of commitment that needs to be considered.
Be committed to being satisfied with your partner. Our society has a
morbid preoccupation with what I call The Septic Tank Syndrome. Movies,
TV, videos, romance novels, etc. promote the philosophy -- The Grass Is
Greener On The Other Side Of The Fence! When was the last time you saw
a TV movie where married people were enjoying a fulfilling relationship
with each other? It is an unusual show that does not promote the "grass
is greener..." philosophy. But that philosophy is a MYTH! Do you know
where the grass is greener? I have found that the grass is always
greener over the septic tank. The entertainment media has disguised the
hurt, the broken lives and the tragedy of marriages shattered by
unfaithfulness. They make adultery look attractive but it is
devastating American families.

   The wisest man who ever lived wrote in Proverbs 5:15-23 of the
importance of being satisfied with your marriage partner. He said,
"Drink water out of thine own cistern... rejoice with the wife of thy
youth... let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou
ravashed always with her love." He goes on to say how foolish it is to
look outside of the marriage relationship for satisfaction. I suggest
you get out you Bible and carefully read this passage in its entirety.

   Commitment means that your mate holds a position of honor in your
life. That means there is a bond of sexual exclusiveness between you.

   Complete commitment is the fuel that keeps the marriage warm.

   CHARITABLE COMMUNICATION A lady stopped in her pastor's office one
day and as soon as she sat down she was in tears. She said "my husband
can't say a kind word to me! I don't know what to do." The problem was
tearing her and their marriage apart.

   Ephesians 4:15 tells us the importance of "speaking the truth in
love." That's what I call charitable communication. Words can be used
like weapons. Job of old experienced this first hand and tells of the
hurt misused words caused him. He said in Job 19:2, "How long will
you...break me in pieces with words."

   There is an old proverb that says, The road to the heart is the ear.
I believe it. That explains why many marriages are growing cold when
out of the 10,000 plus minutes in every week, the average couple spends
only 17 minutes in close communication. That's the chilling fact.

   Peter told husbands that they are to "dwell with them (their wives)
according to knowledge..." in I Peter 3:7. By that he meant, a man
needs to get to know his wife. That will not happen by accident. It
will take time, time spent in quality communication, time talking and
listening.

   COMMUNICATION POINTERS

   1. Remember, how you say something is just as important as what you
say.

   2. Don't forget that "body language" communicates as much as your
words.

   3. Be a good listener, give thought to what you say before you say
it and be slow to get angry. (James 1:19-20 & Proverbs 17:27)

   4. Be sure to be truthful but use the truth wrapped in love and not
like a weapon. (Ephesians 4:15)

   5. Be courteous, your partner deserves an opportunity to speak
without harassment or interruption. (Proverbs 18:13)

   6. Do not resort to EXAGGERATION to support your argument.
Exaggeration is inflating the facts beyond the limits of truth. Phrases
like, "you always...", "You never..." or "You're just like..." are
exaggerations and should be avoided. Exaggerated threats are common
also. Exaggeration erodes trust, credibility and hinders communication.
(Ephesians 4:25)

   7. Resolve arguments the same day they occur if at all possible so
they don't turn into bitterness and resentment. (Ephesians 2:26)

   If you want to keep the home fires burning, you will sharpen your
communication skills. Charitable (kind) communication and lots of it
adds necessary fuel that keeps the love fires burning in a marriage.

   EXPRESSING APPRECIATION

   I came across a card from American Greetings that illustrates my
point beautifully. It was set up like a Want Ad in the newspaper it
said, and I quote...

   WANTED: MOTHER

   Long hours, low pay, little time off. Must be willing to work
overtime on weekends, holidays, and summer vacation. Energy,
imagination, intelligence, endurance, and flexibility required. Must
have ability to lead, instruct and guide, coupled with a warm and
loving, affectionate personality. On-the-job training offered.

   Inside the card said, THANKS for taking the job, Mom!

   The card could well have applied to a wife or a husband. The point
is this. No one wants to be used. A husband wants to be more than a pay
check and a wife more than a domestic servant. Everyone needs to know
they are sincerely appreciated. Just knowing that your spouse cares
will go a long way in getting you through tough situations. And it's
right, too. Men, appreciation is a part of what it means to "cherish"
your wife in Ephesians 5:29. Ladies, appreciation is a part of what it
means to "reverence" your husband in Ephesians 5:33.

   Refuse to take your mate for granted. Kind words of appreciation,
lending a helping hand and creative, unexpected actions that show you
value and esteem your mate will go a long way in keeping your
relationship warm.

   There is a fifth suggestion that is perhaps the most important
suggestion of all when it comes to keeping the marriage relationship
warm.

   RESPONSIBILITY AND FORGIVENESS

   All of us bring "excess baggage" into marriage. That includes
personality weaknesses, personal problems, opinions, ideals, etc. When
something goes wrong it is our natural inclination to "pass the buck."
That is wrong. We must take responsibility for our own shortcomings and
errors. Though it may be difficult to admit that "I am wrong" or that
"I am a part of the problem" it is a part of our obligation to our
mate. It is a necessity and not an option. When you are wrong, you need
to be mature enough to own up to it. Both husbands and wives need to
put away their pride and learn to say, "I'm sorry." A sincere,
heartfelt apology will go a long way in keeping the warmth in a
marriage relationship.

   There is the other side of the coin that must be looked at also.
That is forgiveness. Forgiveness is also fuel that keeps the home fires
burning and the relationship warm. Now, I know some will protest at
this point. Their attitude is similar to what one bitter woman said to
her counselor... "It will be a cold day in hell before I ever forgive
my husband. He does not deserve to be forgiven!" Few will be as crass
as that woman, but many hold the same malignant attitude. Perhaps she
was right. But I must point out Ephesians 3:13 which says that we are
not to hold grudges, but be tolerant and ready to forgive. Note the
specific words, "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if
any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also
do ye." None of us deserve the forgiveness of our sins. But when you
receive Christ as your Savior it is freely given. Because Christ has
forgiven us, we are to forgive others.

   When you forgive someone, what does that mean? Dr. Jay Adams says (I
am paraphrasing) First, it means you are promising and choosing not to
use it against the person in the future. Second, you are promising and
choosing not to talk to others about it. Lastly, you are promising and
choosing not to dwell on it yourself.

   Dispense forgiveness in generous amounts. It pays off.

   ROMANCE

   The sixth suggestion I offer you is, keep romance alive in your
relationship. Some will say, "Oh come on now, you don't ever find
romance mentioned in the Bible."

   To be sure, the word "romance" does not appear in the Bible, but
illustrations of it do. Read The Song Of Solomon or the story of Ruth
and Boaz as recorded in the Old Testament Book of Ruth. There you will
find romance in all of its purity and excitement.

   Did you know that the absence of romantic love is on the top of the
heap as a source of depression among married women? Dr. James Dobson
says, "A man can be contented with a kind of business partnership in
marriage, provided sexual privileges are a part of the arrangement. As
long as the wife prepares dinner each evening, is reasonably amiable,
and doesn't nag him during football season, he can be satisfied." But
that is not the case with the wife! She yearns to be her husband's
Special Sweetheart. She would likely trade the new TV, her dishwasher
or just about anything for a single expression of genuine tenderness
and attention that does not have to be "paid for" with sex.

   A wise husband will take his wife on dates, remember anniversaries
and special days. He will write her love notes or get her a small gift
for no special reason.

   A word of wisdom to the wives. Don't neglect your husbands. Husbands
appreciate love notes too. He wants you to be "sexy" for him just as
much as you want him to be romantic with you.

   If you want to keep the home fires burning men, you will stimulate
romance in your relationship. Ladies, if you want to have a warm
marital relationship you will not treat your physical obligation to
your husband as a "necessary evil."

   There is one final suggestion I want to share with you. It focuses
on the spiritual aspect of your relationship.

   ACTIVE SPIRITUAL INVOLVEMENT

   The kind of self-giving love needed to sustain a marriage
relationship cannot be generated merely by personal desire, but it is
available. The logical question is, "What is the source?" The answer
is, "It is available from God, through his Son, Jesus Christ."

   The Bible says in I John 4:8, "God is love." In order to tap into
the reservoir of God's love a person must believe on Jesus Christ. The
moment you put your faith in Christ, Romans 5:5 tells us, "...the love
of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given
unto us." At that moment God gives you the desire and the power to
initiate the self-giving love needed to sustain your marriage.

   Simply stated, spiritual involvement begins with personal faith in
the risen Savior, Jesus Christ. Have you ever prayed, admitting to God
that you are a sinner? Have you ever asked the Lord to forgive your
sins? Have you ever told Christ you believe he died for your sins and
arose from the dead? Have you ever personally invited Christ to come
into your life and be your Savior from the guilt, penalty and power of
sin? If not, why not do it right now. You could pray something like
this...

   Dear Lord Jesus, I confess that I am a sinner. Please forgive me for
all my sins. I believe the Bible which says you died to pay for my
sins. I believe you arose from the dead and are alive today. Please
come into my life this very moment and be my personal Savior. Thank you
for hearing and answering my prayer. Amen.

   If you just prayed that prayer and believe what you prayed, Christ
is now your Savior. That's where spiritual involvement begins. The next
step is to get involved in a good, solid, Bible preaching church. That
is important to your marriage and a study done by a University of
Virginia sociologist supports that fact. The study found that couples
who attend church regularly are 42% more likely to still be married for
the first time than those couples who don't attend church. In addition,
reading the Bible and praying together regularly is important if you
are going to keep the home fires burning.

   Wouldn't you agree that the warmth of being in love beats the
coldness of a utilitarian relationship? If so, get busy and start
stoking the fire with the fuel... Caring Companionship, Complete
Commitment, Charitable Communication, Expressing Appreciation,
Responsibility and Forgiveness, Romance, and Active Spiritual
Involvement.

   David L. Brown is the Pastor of a Baptist Church in the Milwaukee,
Wisconsin area. He and his wife Linda have enjoyed 20 years of
marriage. They have three children.
