Subject: Wesley Returns -- A Parody

 A PARODY...
"STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION"  This episode: "Wesley Returns"

OPEN ON INTERIOR OF THE BRIDGE.  RIKER IS SEATED IN THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR,
DATA IS AT THE HELM, WORF IS AT THE SECURITY STATION.

RIKER: Mr. Data, adjust course 241 mark 4!

DATA: Aye sir.

SFX: Beeping

WORF: Commander, we are being hailed.

(TROI ENTERS AND SITS DOWN AT HER USUAL SEAT).

RIKER: This is Commander William Riker of the USS Enterprise.

VOICE: Federation shuttlecraft carrying crew replacements for Enterprise.

RIKER: Acknowledged.  Stand by.

WORF: Receiving passenger manifest now.

RIKER: Excellent.

WORF: Sir!

RIKER: Something wrong, Mr. Worf?

WORF: Wesley Crusher is on board!

RIKER: Red alert!!

SFX: Sirens go off.

RED LIGHTS BEGIN FLASHING ON THE BRIDGE.

CUT TO CLOSEUP OF A WORRIED RIKER.

MUSIC: Dramatic Upsurge.

FADE TO BLACK

< Insert Opening Title Sequence Here >
< Insert Commercial Break >

SCENE OPENS ON THE BRIDGE, STILL AT RED ALERT STATUS.
PICARD EMERGES FROM HIS READY ROOM.

SFX: Alarm continues.

PICARD: Will somebody turn off that bloody racket?!?

RIKER: Computer, silence the alarm.

SFX: Out.

PICARD: Why are we at Red Alert status?

RIKER: Wesley Crusher is coming aboard.

PICARD: Not if I can help it!

WORF: Captain, I could fire phasers and disrupt the shuttle's engines...
make it look like an accident.

PICARD: Thank you Mister Worf, but that won't be necessary.          Inform
the shuttle that... umm... we have something wrong with         our docking
rings, and that we are unable to achieve a secure         docking
connection.

WORF: They request to speak with you, Captain.  Shall I blast them out of
        the sky?

PICARD: No... (sigh) put him on.

CUT TO FORWARD VIEW OF THE SCREEN.
THE CAPTAIN OF THE FEDERATION SHUTTLE IS THERE, AS IS WESLEY CRUSHER.

SHUTTLE CAPTAIN: Captain, what seems to be the problem?

PICARD: Umm... well, we are having some malfunctions in the docking rings.
        They won't seal, so we'll have to deny you docking clearance.

WESLEY: We can just beam over.

CUT TO CLOSEUP OF PICARD

PICARD:(under his breath:) You little dork. (to SHUTTLE CAPTAIN:) Oh, very
        well.

CUT TO TRANSPORTER ROOM THREE.  PICARD, RIKER, BEVERLY, TROI,
AND THREE SECURITY GUARDS STAND BEFORE THE TRANSPORTER PAD.

PICARD: Energize.

THREE PEOPLE MATERIALIZE, INCLUDING CADET WESLEY CRUSHER.

CUT TO MEDIUM SHOT OF WORF AND SECURITY OFFICERS TAKING
DEFENSIVE STAND, PHASERS AT THE READY.

MUSIC: Dramatic Upsurge begins.

CUT TO MEDIUM SHOT OF WESLEY WITH A GRIN ON HIS FACE.

FADE TO BLACK

< Insert Commercial Break >

SCENE OPENS ON PICARD STEPPING FORWARD TO CONFRONT WESLEY.

PICARD: Mr. Crusher, I was unaware that you were being assigned to this
ship.

WESLEY: No, sir.  I came here on a vacation so I could visit my mother. Hi
Mom!

CUT TO BEVERLY WAVING HELLO, THEN CUT BACK TO PICARD AND WESLEY.

WESLEY: I figured that maybe I could lend a hand down in Engineering, or
take a few shifts at the helm or something.

PICARD: Er, no.  Umm, just enjoy your vacation.  Why don't you go play in
the holodeck for a week?

RIKER: Just leave my "Minuet" program alone.  You really buggered it up
        last time you came here.  Took me a month to get it working
properly again.

WESLEY: Really, I'd like to help out if I could.

CUT TO  WORF.

WORF: Captain, shall I put him in the brig?

BEVERLY: Worf!  This is my son you're talking about!

WORF: (growls)

CUT TO THE ENTRANCE TO THE TRANSPORTER ROOM, WHERE DATA AND GEORDI ARRIVE.

GEORDI: Thanks for your help with that transdiodal flux coupler, Data. You
saved me hours of work.

WESLEY: Hi, guys.

CUT TO CLOSEUP OF GEORDI

GEORDI: (under his breath:) Oh God, not him!

CUT BACK TO WESLEY.

WESLEY: So, who's running the bridge right now?

CUT TO RIKER AND PICARD LOOKING AT EACH OTHER.

CUT TO A MEDIUM CLOSEUP OF ALEXANDER SITTING IN THE COMMAND CHAIR.

SLOWLY DOLLY BACK TO REVEAL MORE OF THE BRIDGE.

THE TURBOLIFT DOOR SLIDES OPEN AND THE SENIOR STAFF PILE OUT,
LEAVING A CRUMPLED WESLEY ON THE FLOOR OF THE CAR.

PICARD: Worf, get your son out of my chair.

HELMSMAN: Actually, Captain, he did a good job.  He got us through three
encounters with alien ships.

PICARD: What?!?  And what course of action did he take?

HELMSMAN: He just ordered us to torpedo them.

CUT TO CLOSEUP OF WORF, A GRIN ON HIS FACE.

WORF: I'm proud of you, son.

CUT TO PICARD, WHO THROWS A GLARE BACK AT WORF, THEN TURNS
TO BEVERLY.

PICARD: You'd better keep your son out of mischief, too, doctor.

PICARD STARTS TO WALK OUT OF THE BRIDGE TOWARD HIS READY
ROOM.  BEVERLY WATCHES HIM WITH A WORRIED LOOK.

MUSIC: Dramatic Upsurge.

FADE TO BLACK

< Insert Commercial Break >

SCENE OPENS ON THE BAR IN TEN FORWARD.  GUINAN IS TALKING TO PICARD.

GUINAN: So what you're saying is that Wesley Crusher is not very well liked
around here?

PICARD: Yes, that's what I'm saying.

GUINAN: Well, I don't know him that well, but I recall him being a nice
young man.

PICARD: He's a little know-it-all

GUINAN: He usually saves the ship, doesn't he?


PICARD: Yes, but usually he's the one that causes the crisis in the first
        place. Remember the Nannites?  Or when he took over engineering
        and cut off access to all controls?

GUINAN: I heard about that one.  Hmmm.

IN THE BACKGROUND, THE DOORS SLIDE OPEN AND WESLEY STRIDES IN.

PICARD: Here he comes now.

WESLEY: Hi Captain.  Hi Guinan.  Can I have an Arcturian Milkshake, please?

GUINAN: We took it off the menu because nobody liked them.  The food
synthesisers don't have that program loaded anymore.

WESLEY: That's okay.  I made a copy of it and stored it on this little
        computer wafer, and designed a custom interface so that I can
        easily load it into any food synthesiser.

GUINAN: So, why don't you just load it into the food synthesiser in your
quarters?

WESLEY: I wanted a chance to show off my handy work.

CUT TO CLOSEUP OF GUINAN, ROLLING HER EYES.

CUT TO SICK BAY, WHERE BEVERLY IS TREATING A YOUNG WOMAN FOR A CUT ON
HER FOREHEAD.

BEVERLY: Now, promise me that you'll stop bungee jumping from the top of
the Engine Room's catwalk, okay?

WOMAN: Okay, Doctor Crusher.  I realize it was kind of stupid.

BEVERLY: Really, I don't know why people did that sort of thing back in the
20th Century.  Look at all the injuries it caused.  Well, I         don't
see any remaining sign of a concussion.

IN THE BACKGROUND, THE DOORS SLIDE OPEN AND WESLEY ENTERS.

BEVERLY: (Unaware of her son's presence:) Do you have any headache or
nausea?

WOMAN: (spotting Wesley:) Nausea.

WESLEY: Hi, Mom!

BEVERLY TURNS AROUND, SURPRISED.

BEVERLY: Oh, I didn't hear you come in, Wes.

WOMAN: Uh, doctor...?

BEVERLY: One moment.  Wes, did you see if you can help Geordi down in
Engineering?

WESLEY: I went there, but they said he wasn't around.  It's funny, 'cause I
could have sworn I saw him duck around the corner just as I
entered.

WOMAN: Excuse me...!

THE WOMAN RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM INTO THE WASHROOM.

WESLEY: What's with her?

BEVERLY: Oh, nothing.

SFX: Comm badge beep.

PICARD: (On speaker:) Picard to Crusher.  Beverly, do you have a few
moments? I'd like to see you in my quarters.

WESLEY: Oooh, Mom!  I think the Captain wants to... you know.

BEVERLY: Wes!!

WESLEY: Just kidding, Mom.  Okay?

BEVERLY: Er, yeah.

BEVERLY TURNS BEET RED AND TURNS TO LEAVE THE ROOM.

CUT TO PICARD IN HIS QUARTERS.  HE IS SITTING ON HIS COUCH WITH A RATHER
THICK BOOK.

SFX: Door chime.

PICARD: Come!

CUT TO SHOT OF THE DOOR AS IT OPENS.  BEVERLY STANDS THERE, LEANING ON THE
DOORFRAME TRYING TO LOOK SEDUCTIVE.

PICARD: Relax, Doctor.  That's not what I called you here for this time. I
want to have a word with you about your son.  Please, sit down.

BEVERLY WALKS INTO THE ROOM, AND THE DOOR CLOSES.

CUT TO SHOT OF THE COUCH AS BEVERLY AND PICARD SIT DOWN.

PICARD: It seems that Wesley is making a pest of himself again.  He has
been doing unauthorized modifications to various systems, and has
        been generally annoying to everyone.

BEVERLY: He's just eager to please.

PICARD: He's a showoff, and that sort of behaviour will not be tolerated on
my ship.

SFX: Door chime.

PICARD: Come!

CUT TO THE DOOR, AS TROI ENTERS.

CUT BACK TO THE COUCH AS TROI SITS DOWN.

PICARD: (Sarcastically:) Have a seat, Counsellor.

TROI: I need to talk to the two of you.  It's about Wesley Crusher.

BEVERLY: Now what?

TROI: He was trying to, er, pick me up in a corridor on deck six.

BEVERLY: He's pretty strong... he was probably trying to show you that he
could lift you.

TROI: I resent that!  I'm not that heavy.  And besides, that's not what I
meant.  I mean, he asked me for a date.

PICARD: Ah, so we can get him on sexual harrassment, too.

BEVERLY CASTS A GLARE AT HIM.

SUDDENLY, THE LIGHTS GO OUT IN THE ROOM.

PICARD: Picard to Engineering.  Mr. La Forge, what happened to the lights?

GEORDI: (On speaker:) Wesley Crusher overloaded the ship's main power
        systems.  I'm switching to auxiliary power.

THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON.

PICARD: That does it

PICARD TAPS HIS COMM BADGE.

PICARD: Picard to all senior staff.  Emergency meeting in the observation
lounge in five minutes.

FADE TO BLACK.

< Insert Commercial Break >

SCENE OPENS ON THE OBSERVATION LOUNGE.  THE SENIOR OFFICERS
HAVE GATHERED.

PICARD: I've called you here to discuss a major problem.

ALL (Except BEVERLY): Wesley Crusher!

PICARD: Er, yes.  I'm fielding suggestions as to how we might rectify the
situation.

RIKER: We could sell him to a Cardassian slave trader.

WORF: Why don't I just put him through a Klingon ritual?

GEORDI: Hey, I could have him inspect one of the antimatter containment
bubbles.

DATA: Give him to the Q Continuum as a sacrifice.

TROI: I think we should turn him over to a militant feminist group.

BEVERLY: Listen, everybody!  This is my son you're talking about!

THE DOOR OPENS AND WESLEY ENTERS.

WESLEY: Sorry I'm late.  I was busy modifying the turbolift so that it
would carry on a conversation with you while you ride.

PICARD: Mr. Crusher, this is a private meeting among the senior staff.

WESLEY: Well, I just kind of assumed...

WORF STANDS UP AND MAKES A FIST WITH ONE HAND, THEN HITS THE PALM OF HIS
OTHER HAND.

WORF: I think Wesley could use an attitude adjustment!

RIKER: I second the motion.

PICARD: Carried.

WITH A BIG GRIN, WORF GRABS WESLEY AND ESCORTS HIM RATHER FORCEFULLY FROM
THE ROOM.

SFX: Comm badge chime.

HELMSMAN: Bridge to Captain Picard.  The shuttle has arrived to carry Cadet
Crusher home.

PICARD: Thank God!  Tell them to prepare to receive Mr. Crusher in about
ten minutes.  He is being, er, prepared.

CUT TO TRANSPORTER ROOM THREE, WHERE A VERY DAZED AND TERRIBLY BRUISED
WESLEY IS PUT INTO POSITION ON THE TRANSPORTER PAD.

PICARD: Energize.

WESLEY DEMATERIALIZES.  RIKER LOOKS AT WORF WITH A KNOWING
SMILE.  WORF RESPONDS BY GRINNING SO THAT ALL HIS TEETH SHOW.

CUT TO SHOT OF THE ENTERPRISE FLYING AWAY THROUGH SPACE.

FADE TO BLACK

< Insert Commercial Break >

SCENE OPENS WITH THE ENTERPRISE IN ORBIT AROUND A PLANET.

ANNOUNCER: On an all-new episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation...

CUT TO BRIDGE.  WORF EXAMINES CONTROLS.

ANNOUNCER: ...the Enterprise is threatened by an unwelcomed visitor.

WORF: Unidentified vessel off the port side.  They are hailing us.

CUT TO PICARD

PICARD: On screen.

CUT TO THE VIEWSCREEN.  THE STARFIELD IS REPLACED BY A VIEW OF
LWAXANA TROI.

LWAXANA: Hello, dear Captain Picard.  (Blows a kiss at him).

CUT TO PICARD, WHO STANDS UP FROM HIS CHAIR, WIDE-EYED.

CUT TO RIKER

RIKER: Red alert!!

CUT TO DEANNA AND LWAXANA TROI IN LWAXANA'S QUARTERS.

ANNOUNCER: ...And she's determined to seduce Captain Picard.

(DEANNA) TROI: Mother, will you please stop bothering the Captain?

LWAXANA: But he likes it, Little One.  I can read his thoughts.

CUT TO OBSERVATION ROOM.

PICARD: I've called you here to discuss a major problem.

ALL: Lwaxana Troi!!

PICARD: Er, yes.

CUT TO STAR TREK: TNG LOGO AND ZOOMING STARFIELD.

ANNOUNCER: Next time, on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

FADE TO BLACK.

< Run End Credits >

                          **** THE END ****

           Written by Mike Lyons               Feb. 1994

--
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Mike Lyons                       mike_lyons@mindlink.bc.ca
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