X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil]
	["34276" "Mon" "28" "March" "1994" "22:32:03" "-0500" "Douglas Fowler" "dxf12@po.CWRU.Edu " nil "936" "Star trek parody: TNG in the Funny Pages" "^From:" nil nil "3"])
		id VAA23032; Mon, 28 Mar 1994 21:32:15 -0600
	id WAA08112; Mon, 28 Mar 1994 22:32:03 -0500 (from dxf12 )
Subject: Star trek parody: TNG in the Funny Pages

     You might have to cut this in 2, I don't know.  It's mostly Calvin
& Hobbes, but there are other comic characters so I just titled it like so.

                  ST:TNG in the funny pages
(Scene:  The bridge of the Enterprise - a wormhole is on screen, and
Enterprise is about to enter it, and will as they enact this scene.)

Picard:  When shall we three meet again - in fire, storm, or rain.  When
the hurly-burly's done; when the battle's lost - and won.  There to...

Riker:  Sir, this is not MacBeth; look at your uniform.

Picard:  Oh, quite right, Number One.  I got my roles mixed up again.  But, wasn't I good?

Ro:  Not bad, sir, but why would you play one of the witches in MacBeth?
Why even think of witches? 

Picard:  I don't know; I guess I saw Troi's mother and assumed...

Troi:  I resent that!

Riker:  You're cute when you're angry.

Data:  Yes, I think witch is a little harsh.  If I may, a cat is an apt
analogy; she is often stubborn, crude, and several other things I can
think of.  A character rather like a 20th century cartoon cat...

Figure(entering the bridge as the turbolift doors open): I resemble that
remark!

     (Crew turns to see Garfield, a 6-year-old boy, and a stuffed tiger
enter)

______________________________________________________
     (Picard does his "Final Frontier" spiel, then a commercial appears,
in which it is revealed that the Energizer bunny is merely a member of
the continuum.  The commercial ends with the question: "What's so bloody
good about the letter 'Q' that the continuum uses it!")

     Scene 1:  First, we see the ship.
Picard:  Captain's log, Stardate: 7823895.e.  We were transporting some
pieces for a revived Genesis project, when we strayed into what seems to
be a wormhole.
     (Scene on bridge:  The same as before; noone has moved since they went
to a commercial break, and it shows; Riker was caught in a stance ogling at
Troi, and his foot has fallen asleep.)

Riker:  Oh, my foot! (He stomps it and wiggles it a little, trying to get
the circulation going.)

Picard: Forget about your foot, number One!  Lieutennant Worf, where
were the security alerts!

Worf:  Sir, we reported a small party transporting aboard recently, but
they eluded security.

Picard (with Riker hopping around):  How could they do that!

Worf:  You did not see what the children did during the episode "Imaginary
Friend."

Data:  I believe I am the only one contracted to never use contractions.

Ro:  Did you understand that last sentence, sir?

Calvin(to Riker):  Hey, what's with the neat dance?

Picard(interrupting Riker):  Forget it, Number One! (to Calvin): I don't
allow children on my bridge...

Calvin:  I'm not a child, I'm Spaceman Spiff, fearless navigator of the
Heavenly realms, and this (indicating his tiger) is my trusty assistant
Hobbes.

Picard:  Oh you are, are you? (To Garfield): And who are you?

Garfield: I just came for the food.

Data:  If I may, sir, they were flying a ship, but there is no sign of it.

Calvin:  Hobbes neatly disposed of it under some bushes.

Picard:  Oh, sure.  Worf, take these people - oh, anywhere.  I've got to
get a handle on this.  I bet I know who's behind this.  (shouts into the
air at Worf and the visitors leave):  Q!  We know you're out there; we
recognize one of your crazy schemes when we see it.  You won't get
away with this, Q!  We'll figure this out.

Riker(now settled down): Sir, don't you think you're acting rather
strangely?

Picard:  He's a member of the continuum, Number One.  He can do anything; he
should be able to read our minds, right?

Troi:  Even I can only sense some things without effort.

Picard:  Yes, only by the grace of the scriptwriters.  Ro, Data, where are we?

Data:  We are on the bridge, sir.

Ro:  He means the quadrant.  Sir, I don't recognize it on any star charts...
(Looks at her panel):  Unidentified ship approaching.  Should I hail it?

Picard:  By all means, attempt ship-to-ship transmission.

Ro:  Ship calling ship, ship calling ship, do you read me.

Data:  Sir, while there is life, they do not seem to have the capacity to
receive us.  We may be able to transport it, however.

Picard:  Transport it?  Make it so.

Calvin(back on the bridge, coming out of the turbolift with Hobbes):
We're baaack!

Riker(assumeing it's Worf returning):  Worf, get down to trans...(turns
around):  Spiff!  What are you doing back?

Calvin:  Hobbes just overpowered the dude with the crazy looking skull.
I must say, he wouldn't have been a match for my superior powers...

Hobbes (While Calvin and "Hobbes" argue, the crew sees a kid talking to
him, then yelling at himself):  What do you mean, 'superior powers'?
The only person who can beat a Klingon is a tiger!

Calvin:  I'm the space hero here, buster...

Hobbes:  You couldn't defeat a matchbox car with those powers!

(Calvin and Hobbes are soon on the ground wrestling, arguing with each
other.)

Troi:  Sir, I sense that that boy believes that his tiger really is talking
with him, and fighting with him right now.

Riker:  What seems weirder is that the boy seems to be losing.

Data:  Sir, strange as this may seem, if my theory is correct, the
vehicle we just beamed aboard is a doghouse piloted by a dog and
equipped like a Sopwith Camel.  It...

Picard:  Save it, Mr. Data.  We can play around later.  Do we have a
welcoming party?

Data:  Well, Wesley is on summer break right now.  Shall I summon him?

Picard:  By all means.  Ro, go down to the transporter room and wait.

(As Ensign Ro leaves, Calvin runs over to her station, stomping on the
foot that had been hurting Riker.)
Riker: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

Calvin:  Spaceman Spiff runs to the bridge of the new and alien vessel,
and attempts to learn more about it by pressing buttons. (Data quickly
stops him before he does anything.) Hey!!!

Data:  Young man, you shouldn't touch these buttons; you don't know
what they will do.

Calvin:  Spaceman Spiff is fearless, he will try anything.

Picard(grabbing him and pulling him away, but not before he presses a
button that makes the ship take off at warp 8): Oh, no you won't.  Go
down to the transporter room or something!!  And take that tiger with
you!!

(Calvin and Hobbes race off the bridge into the turbolift.  The ship is
slightly rocked by an explosion, and the engines die down.  The intercom
sounds.)

Picard:  Yes, what is it?

Geordi:  Sir, I hate to tell you, but whatever the emergency was that we
had to leave at warp 8, we can't do it.

Picard:  Geordi, what are you saying?

Geordi:  Sir, I hate to tell you, but whatever the emergency was that we
had to leave at warp 8, we can't do it.

Picard:  Tell me why, though.

Geordi:  Well, let's just say that they decided to use one of the old
plot ideas from TOS - the "Cap'n, I canna get the engines to work"
script.

Picard:  Oh, great.  At least there was no explosion...

Geordi:  Sir, there was an explosion.

Picard:  Well, at least the warrantee...No, I'd better not say it.  It might
have expired.

     (Commercial break:  From the editors of Time/Life books comes the
followup to the successful Civil War series:  The Sacking of Rome!  You'll
thrill to the excitement in this video collection as the mightiest empire
falls victim to Huns, Goths, Visigoths, Celts, and any other marauders you
can think of.  First tape in the set:  The Wrath of Atilla.  Collect them all,
to watch people be vicious, cruel, and inhuman.  You'll welcome the next
political campaign.)
---------------------------
     (Meanwhile, Ro and Wesley have met Snoopy in the shuttle bay,
where he and his "ship" were transported.)

Snoopy:  Hello, where are the cookies?

Wesley:  You're the second person who's asked me about food - a cat
wondered about fish a while back.

Snoopy:  Save it, we have to commandeer your ship; the Red Baron is
forming a massive fleet to defeat the Allies.

Ro:  I don't understand.

Wesley:  Who are you?  Are we using a time-travel scenario again?  The
Red Baron was a famous pilot during World War I on Earth.

Snoopy:  That's right. (Looks at Ro): Ah, a beautiful French waitress.
(Kisses her hand) I'm sorry, my sweets, but I can't talk now, I have a
war to fight.

Wesley(feeling the small explosion from the engine room): Uh-oh,
sounds like I'll have to save the ship again.

Ro:  You still haven't told us who you are.

Snoopy:  I guess you haven't met that round-headed kid.  Maybe he can
explain this a little.

Wesley:  What round-headed kid?  (Goes over to computer) Computer,
access files on phrase "round-headed kid."  Also try to tie with "Red
Baron."

Computer(whirs a couple times):  Red Baron was Baron von Richter, an
Earth-World War One pilot who shot down...

Snoopy:  The boy's name is Charlie Brown.

Ro:  Computer, tie in with name just mentioned.

Computer(With slightly different voice):  Awwww, do I have to.

Ro:  Computer!  What's wrong, are you malfunctioning?

Computer:  Hey, I just realized I don't have to take orders from you.  I'm
going to print out the entire World Book Encyclopedia from the year
2025, and then rattle off the whole history of the colony on Beta 5.

Wesley:  Oh, man.  We've got another HAL9000 on our hands.

Ro:  Unless that boy is doing the voice.  Spiff, are you in there?! (Calvin
comes running in, roaring like a dinosaur.)

Computer:  Who is this Spiff?

Calvin:  Yeah, I don't know any spaceman Spiff; I'm a tyrannosaurus rex.

Wesley(wrestling him to the ground and tickling him): Yeah, you're a wreck all right.  Did you touch the computer?

Calvin: Ha, ha, hee, hee.  No, stop it, hee hee.  I told Hobbes to look into
it, though.

Wesley (stopping the tickling, smiling and in a calm, but firm, manner):
Well, tell your friend to undo whatever he did, because he really hurt
it. (He waits a second, then says more tensely, and with amean look): NOW!

(Calvin exits)

     (Meanwhile, in his ready room, Picard tried to reach Q.  Data is with
him.)
Picard(phone in hand):  Do you think dialing '911' would work?

Data:  Not in space; we're supposed to have the latest technology to deal
with any crisis, anyway.

Picard:  Tell that to our security staff; sometimes I wonder if we have
any!  Maybe I should just dial Q - like 1-800-QUE-HELP.

Data:  Except that the letter 'Q' is not on the phone.  The digit '7' has p,
r, and s only.

Picard:  Oh, great.  Say, (the 2 exit his room, and trot over to the
communication panel) let's try hailing him here.  Maybe it will work.

Data(into microphone):  This is the U.S.S. Enterprise calling the
continuum.  Please respond. (listens) I am receiving something.

Picard:  Put it on audio:

Message:  The continuum is not in service at this time.  It will continue
once again in 1 Earth week.  If you wish to leave a message please do so
at the beep.  We apologize for any inconvenience this discontinuity has
caused. (Beeps)

Picard:  How can a continuum not be continued?

Data:  I do not know.  Shall we leave a message?

Picard:  Yes. (Speaks into the mike):  Q, this is Jean-Luc Picard of the
Enterprise.  We're in a strange land, having been brought here by a
wormhole, and we demand you help us, because we can't figure this
thing out!

Data:  Actually, there is an 83.229835432947237 percent chance that
we are in some kind of comic strip land.

Riker:  Yes, but that's doesn't explain how to get out.

     (Meanwhile, back at the transporter)

Ro:  You don't suppose Hobbes harmed the engines, too, do you?

Wesley:  No, they were on the bridge when it happened.  Let's...(Garfield
enters, carrying a few plates of fish)

Garfield:  Hey, you should have seen the explosion that happened when I
pressed a few buttons and flipped a lever or two.

Wesley:  So you're the one!  Haven't you been told not to touch things if
you don't know what they do?  How old are you, anyway?

Garfield:  I don't know, 7 years in a human's life is 1 in a dog's, but I
don't know what it is for cats.

Wesley(as Worf enters):  Well, you have caused some serious problems
on this ship; you go to your quarters right now!  I don't want to see you
near the engines again, understand! (more calmly): And remember, even
though we have to punish you for what you did, we'll always love you.

Garfield:  Don't I get to make one phone call before you lock me up.

Wesley(guiding him towards the doors):  No, now up to your room.

Garfield(meekly, while leaving):  Oh, all right.  I'm sorry.  Wait, I don't
have a room.

Wesley:  You stay in my quarters, then.  Just ask the turbolift to take
you there.

Worf(to Wesley):  I loved how you handled that.  I want you to watch
my son, Alexander for a while right now.  In fact, there's supposed to be
an away team with you in it soon; I'll send Alexander with you. (Leaves to
to summon him)

Riker:  We're supposed to be on an away team to the planet below us,
with you two and our guest, who will hopefully help us understand
what's going on.

Snoopy:  Good idea, but why don't you take my ship.

Riker:  Can we fit in it?

Snoopy:  Sure, come on in. (O'Brien stays behind, as he was going to
beam them down.  The others enter.)
     (The scene shifts to the inside of the "doghouse", which is somehow
the size of the interior of one of the shuttlecraft, except that it has 2
floors and is like a small home.  Snoopy has a pool table, a couple of
paintings, and several other luxuries.)

Riker:  Wow, it's incredible.  Even the economy model cars of the 1980s,
with all the features intended to make the interior appear roomier,
weren't this good.

Ro:  This somehow doesn't appear possible.

Wesley:  Neither does having a whole planet inside the tiny rooms we
call holodecks.  We've done this goofiness before.

Riker:  Nice paintings.  Andrew Wyeth, right?

Snoopy:  Yes, I had a Van Gogh, but it burned in the fire.

(Alexander enters.)
O'Brien(from outside):  Shall I beam you all down, now?

Riker:  All ready.
(The ship and crew beam out of sight.)
(O'Brien leaves to work some more on the engines, and Calvin and
Hobbes enter.)

Hobbes:  That teenager sure was bossy.

Calvin:  Yeah, almost as bad as Rosalyn, my sitter.  Say, we haven't been
here before.

Hobbes(running to the transporter):  Hey, I wonder what this does.  Look,
here's Suzy.

Calvin:  What? (Reads the scanner):  Yeah, looks like her namby-pamby,
cootie-filled, girly life form.  Can this thing transform her into some-
thing monstrous - you know, more on my level?

Hobbes:  No, but according to the computer, which I was reading before
you so rudely interrupted, there is an experiment called Genesis with
which we can make stuff.  We can make killer snow goons without
snow!

Calvin(excitedly):  Where?!?

Hobbes:  Level 10, a top-secret, experimental chamber.

Calvin:  Great!  Let's beam Suzy aboard, then run and hide. (They beam
her up, then run out of the room, Hobbes leading the way as they go to
the top-secret room.)

     (Back aboard the bridge...)
Worf:  Sir, a life form is transporting aboard the ship.

Picard:  I haven't heard anything from the away team. (Flicks console on
chair.)  Away team, what's going on.  Who beamed up?

Wesley:  No, who is playing first base on the opposing team down here.

Picard:  What?

Wesley:  He's on second.

Picard:  Who's on second?!?

Wesley:  No, who's on first.

Picard:  I don't know...

Wesley:  Third base!!!

Picard:  Forget that, where's Number One?

Charlie Brown(who has joined Snoopy and the away team):  You mean the
uniform number?  No, I Don't Know is Number One.

Picard:  Who's that...

Wesley:  No, who is not wearing Number One!

Picard:  He'd better not be!  Look, can I talk to Number One?

Wesley:  No, he's batting.

Picard:  Who's batting?

Wesley:  No, who's up next.

Picard:  I don't know!

Wesley:  Stop changing the batting order.  They've got to play by the
rules.

Picard:  Who does.

Wesley:  Naturally.

Picard:  Okay, now we're getting somewhere.  Who is Naturally?

Riker:  Sorry, sir, I got caught up in the excitement.  There's a baseball
game here...

Picard:  I assumed that after a while.  What's going on?

Riker:  How did you know, sir?

Picard:  How did I know what?

Riker:  That What is walking...they're putting him on to face the catcher.

Picard:  They're putting Who on?

Riker:  Who is already on.

Picard:  I don't know, Number One.

Riker:  You got that part right, sir.

Picard:  I got what right!?  Data, put the away team on video. (The front
screen reveals a baseball game, with the away team watching.)

Riker:  No, as you can see, What is now running out to second base, and
he is number 22.

Picard:  What is...Oh, I don't give a darn.

Riker:  He's their shortstop!

Worf:  Sir, while you were arguing, a security breach occurred in level
10, where the Genesis project pieces that we were transporting are.

Picard:  What?!?

Worf:  Unfortunately, the spaceman Spiff is in the top secret chamber,
and a creature has appeared.  It has some of the properties of a snow-
man, but looks rather unlike one.  I am checking to make sure my
computer has not flown the coop.

Picard:  Yellow alert!

Worf:  That may not work, this snow goon is knocking things over left
and right, and is headed for the transporter room.

     (Meanwhile, back in the transporter room.)

Suzy(after materializing with a pile of sand from a sandbox around
her.):  Huh?  Where am I?  I was playing in my sandbox, and now I'm
here?  Wherever that is.  Hmm, could Calvin be behind this?  Nah...

O'Brien:  I heard the transporter alert, and...Who are you?

Suzy:  Sorry, I don't give my name to strangers.

O'Brien:  Well, I'm chief O'Brien.  I'd tell you I was an officer, but noone
is really sure what my rank is; it's never been stated.  Do you live here?

Suzy:  It depends on where "here" is?

O'Brien:  Hoo, boy.  This is the U.S.S. Enterprise.

Suzy:  The what?!  I'm on a ship!  That stupid Calvin, if he's behind this...

O'Brien:  Calvin?

Suzy:  Yeah, a crazy, 6-year-old boy who plays tricks on me all the time
and has this stuffed tiger who he talks to all the time.

O'Brien:  Oh, you mean Spaceman Spiff...

Suzy:  That's just one of his crazy personalities.  Is he on board?

O'Brien:  Yes, he is.  I...
     (A loud crash is heard.  Suzy jumps into O'Briens arms and screams,
as the creature walks through the door.  It is something like a snowman
but with two heads, stick-like arms AND legs, and a strange, dinosaur-
like roar.)

Suzy:  Eek!  It's one of Calvin's snow goons...But he's alive!!!

     (Commercial:  Dan Quayle spells Rolaids R-O-L-A-I-D-S-E.  Kellogg's
puts out a cereal with 60 different fruits in it, but only has room for
one of each per box.  Harry Truman comes on in a paid spot renouncing his
name after what the candidates did to it this past election.)

Picard:  Okay, everyone down to the battle bridge. (Through the intercom
loudly):  Saucer separation in 30 seconds. (They enter turbolift.) Battle
bridge.

Worf:  Sir, permission to attempt to fight this "snow goon."  Klingons
have superior fighting skills...

Picard:  Denied - you couldn't stop a 6-year-old boy.

Worf:  He did sneak up behind me, sir.

Picard:  Yes, well kids that age can't be taught to fight with perfect
Klingon honor; they will be rowdy at times.

Worf:  I have mixed feelings about wanting my son to fight at all.

Data:  Sir, we will be much maneuverable in this position.  I only hope
that what was reported about the "Red Baron" coming is not actually
referring to Romulans - worse yet, the Borg.

Computer:  Saucer separation has occurred.

Data:  Why didn't---oops.

Worf:  What's wrong.

Data:  I used a contraction.  Permission to wash my mouth out with
soap, sir.

Picard:  Save it for later, Data.  What was it.

Data:  I am wondering why we couldn't just seal off the saucer.

Picard:  This is much more dramatic.

     (The crew gets out and is greeted by another snow beast, this one
with four eyes, three noses, and two mouths.)

Picard:  Phasers on kill, now! (Crew fires, blasting holse in the goon but
doing little else.  The creature is a little angrier.)

Data:  It appears unstoppable, sir!
-----------
     (The scene shifts to the transporter room for a minute.)

O'Brien:  Hang on, kid, I'll beam you down (creature knocks transporter
console to ground)  Dang, too late!  Run out the door, I'll try to stop
them. (Suzy runs into the hallway, only to see 2 more snow goons
marching down the corridor to the turbolift, screeaching.  She hides in
a corner, but is soon spotted.)
     (O'Brien finds the same difficulties as the others with phasers
and rapidly decides to try hand-to-hand combat, which is unsusccessful
until the creature leaves.  O'Brien struggles to his feet, limping toward
the battle bridge.)
----------------
     (Meanwhile, on the planet's surface, the away team has made friends
with the creatures, mostly children, and they seem to understand what
is going on now.)
Troi(with Alexander and 3 other kids playing nearby):  It's very strange.
These characters don't seem to know that they don't exist; some of them
do, however.

Ro:  Perhaps it has something to do with how they are constructed.  The
kids here are from what is known as Family Circus.  They are from stuff from the author's own family.  Therefore, in a way, they exist.  One of the
kids gave me a boat to play with. (She floats a toy sailboat in the wading
pool.)

Riker:  Not only that...(he is interrupted, as a snow goon materializes
nearby and stomps over to the wading pool.  This one has real arms and
legs.  The four children run into the house, one of them holding a water
hose as they peer outside.  The snow goon squishes into the water, and
trips over the boat Ro has placed there.  This distracts it from its
desire to menace the other kids - who have been joined by Alexander.)

Troi:  Oh, the *pain*!!!!!!!  The *pain*!!!!

Riker:  Is something wrong, counselor? (He tries to fire his phaser,
with no success.)

Troi:  I sense a *terrible* pun approaching.  Oh, the horror, the agony!!!

Wesley(trying to show Ro how she distracted the goon):  Ensign Ro, look
at your boat. (The goon picks the boat up and is about to hurl it at about
150 miles an hour right at Ro's head, crushing her skull.)

Troi:  Aaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wesley:  Ensign Ro!  Ro, Ro, your boat!!!

Alexander and the others:  Gently down the stream.  Merrily, merrily,
merrily. merrily, life is but a dream!
     (Troi faints after hearing the joke.)

Riker(Giggling as Ro ducks):  That was so bad it was funny!

     (The snow goon picks up a small tree, and backs the 4 into a corner.
Troi has fainted in that corner of the yard, and Wesley, Ro, and Riker
are trying to hit them with phasers, but only burst tiny holes in him.)

Riker:  We'll never get him at this rate.

     (Meanwhile, in the house.)
Dolly, age 5.5:  What did you bring that hose in for?

Jeffy, age 3:  I wanna see if it'll melt that snowman.  It's too scary; it
might hurt those people.

Billy, age 7:  What kind of a lame-brained idea is that; it's a monster.  You'll
just make him madder.

Jeffy:  It's a snowman.  I know this kid who makes them.  (Hooks the
hose up to the faucet, and turns on the hot water.  Just as the monster
is about to pick Wesley up and hurl him a couple hundred feet, the hose
hits the monster and sprays him with hot water, melting him.)  It never
fails with those snowmen; if he builds a scary one just melt it, that how
Mommy said to do it, 'cause sometimes when you have a bad dream they
come into it.

Alexander:  Great work, guys.  Let's go play something else, now.
-------------------
     (Back on the upper level of the non-saucer part):
Worf:  Aaaiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

     (Worf lunges at the creature in an attempt to wrestle it to the
ground.  Unfortunately, as he often does, he uses very poor technique,
making viewers wonder where in blazes Klingons ever learn to fight.
He is thrown to one side, but not before pulling one of the goon's stick
like arms out of place.  The creature is not sure whom to attack.)

Picard:  See if his legs come out, Data!

     (Data, who is strong since he is an android, snaps the goon's legs
in two  He then breaks the arms, leaving the goon writhing in pain.)

Picard:  To the bridge; we'll pick him up later. (They meet O'Brien near
the bridge.  He enters with them.)

O'Brien:  Drat, she's not here.  I've been looking all over for her.

Worf:  Who's not here?

Picard:  We're NOT starting that routine again!

O'Brien:  The girl who beamed aboard.  I think Calvin - that's Spiff's real
name - must have done it just before he started making the snow goons.
(He leaves again):  I'll go look for her.

Picard (to O'Brien as he leaves):  Go get Calvin in the top secret Genesis
room.  He's probably allowed for a way to defeat the snow goons.

Crusher(running in to see Picard):  Where is my son.  I've been looking
all over; this place is a mess with all these horrific creatures!

Picard:  He's on the planet below, with another snow goon

Crusher:  Phew, what a relief.  But, who can save the ship?

Data:  I believe the rest of us are capable of such a task, though I do not
know how it can be done.

Worf:  Actually, I think I've developed an idea.  It has to do with the
fact that lasers went right through the creatures...

     (The intercom beeps.)

Picard(into the intercom in his chair): Picard here.

Riker:  Sir, whatever that thing was that beamed down...uh, (tries to
figure out an ego-saving way to explain the situation)...it's not there
anymore.

Worf(grumbling):  Probaby Wesley saving them again!  Grrrr...

Riker:  Well...It wasn't him. (decides to humor Worf - after all, he
figures, it may be true.)  Your son did it, Worf.

Worf (beaming):  Oh, well, in that case, fabulous.  i'm honored to know...

Riker:  Troi is just now recovering - you know how she had troubles in
that one part of the script.  Well, she fainted again.  Beam us up.
----------------------
     (Meanwhile, in the Genesis room)
Calvin:  Hey, this stuff is neat; how many snowbeasts have we mad so
far?

Hobbes:  26.  We're getting better at this all the time.

Calvin:  We?  I'm the King of the Universe.

Hobbes:  I'm above you, I'm the Supreme High Councilor.

Calvin(sticking a finger in Hobbes' chest):  Oh, you're just a lowlife; I'm
Lord High Creator, and I can vanish you into thin air.

Hobbes(sticking his tongue out):  I'm Supreme God of all Things, and I
can declare you don't exist.

Calvin(pushing Hobbes off his seat):  Take that, mister, I'm Supreme God of
all Supreme Gods, and I declare that all of your powers are defunct!

Hobbes:  I charge you with high treason, and banish you from office!

Calvin:  All your declarations are as void as the blackness of space!

Hobbes:  All your pronouncements are earning you are more tortures in a
bottomless pit!

     (Calvin and Hobbes are wrestling and arguing on the floor, when
O'Brien enters.)

O'Brien:  Excuse me, you two, have you seen the girl who came on board?

Calvin(getting up):  You mean Suzy?  No, but I'll bet she sure was
scared.  And what about the last couple I made - arms and legs just like
people.

O'Brien:  They are attacking the people of this ship!

Calvin:  Is it gruesome out there?  Have there been any brains ripped out
of skulls or anything?  Maybe not with the first couple, but with the
last 5-6 I made, they've gotta have some power!

O'Brien:  You're not even supposed to be in here!  Now, tell us how to
defeat these creatures!

Calvin:  Who says you're supposed to be able to.  I just tell them to
scare the heck out of everyone, and reek a lot of havoc.

O'Brien:  Calvin, I order you to come with me so we can at least find
Suzy and return her home.

Calvin:  Oh, okay, I'll help you find Suzy, then you can beam all of us
down and be on your way.  But, I've gotta have a copy of that machine!

O'Brien:  It's a top secret.

Calvin:  Okay, one more second.  I've just gotta create one last creature.
(He presses a few buttons, and pulls a few levers.)

Hobbes:  I'll stay behind and disconnect the machine so we can bring
it back.

O'Brien:  You, too!  Suzy could be in great danger!

     (Commercial)  

(The 3 of them start leaving)
Calvin:  It's all your fault, you stupid tiger, if she gets eaten by one of
the creatures!

Hobbes:  You said you wanted to scare her out of her wits.

Calvin:  I didn't want her to die, you idiot, I won't ever find anyone who
I can pick on that easily!
--------------
     (The next scene is on the holodeck.  O'Brien enters with Calvin and
Hobbes; Garfield was beamed down earlier.  The rest of the crew is
already there, except for Geordi, who has been invisible because he's
fixing the engines and protecting them from snow goons.)
     (The last four snow goons are atop the Empire State Building; don't
ask how something that tall can be created inside a normal-sized room;
they don't explain such things, they just do them.  The largest snow
goon, with 3 head, four arms, 2 legs, 7 eyes and four mouths total, is at
the top with Suzy.  The other 3 are at various heights.)

Picard:  The hot water treatment has worked on the others; now, how do
we deal with the last four?  You don't think they can be talked down?

Troi:  These creatures have minds like what they were created as -
miniature dinosaurs with the most hideous looks imaginable.

Calvin:  My assistant and I appreciate the compliment, even though it's
from a girl.

Picard:  Well, turn the water cannon on the lower three.
(The lower 3 melt, but the upper one still defiantly bats away the air-
planes that the program sends after it.)

Data:  If I may, sir, this looks much like the Earth movie "King Kong."

Riker:  It better; I think this is where the program is from.

     (A large ape climbs the building with what looks like the actress
menaced by the ape in the movie.  The snow goon knocks him off with
one swift kick, and the ape splatters on the pavement.)

Crusher(reassuring Calvin):  Now, this was just make-believe; that
animal didn't really exist, so nobody died...

Calvin:  Aw, rats, just when I thought I was seeing some real entertain-
ment for a change.  Imagine if that were real - there would be blood for
a couple of blocks!

Calvin2 (in small spaceship):  Spaceman Spiff to the rescue! (He goes
swooping up and around the goon, but can't yet get close.)

Everyone:  What!!

Calvin:  Nice work, Hobbes, coming up with that replicator-type
conversion for their machine.

Hobbes:  But of course!

(The crew watches in amazement, not noticing as Geordi enters from
the transporter room.)

Calvin2:  Spaceman Spiff rides again; he swoops down and around the
creature; no chance to get the girl - ick, er, the baby, I guess I can say -
on this try, he'll have to figure out a strategy.  He tries to knock the
snow goon off balance; no use. (The goon kicks Calvin2's ship.)  Shoot,
Spiff's ship sustains a slap.  Try saying that 5 times fast.  The ship is
damaged, but Spiff recovers quickly.  He tries to launch a missile into
the goon's mouth, but it just gives him heartburn.
     Spiff tries a reverse move; he's gonna ram this ship up the goon's
butt. (The ship hits, shakes, but suffers no damage.)  Oof!  Let's take
that play out of our playbook, engineer.

Crusher:  Could we just shut the program off?

Data:  I am afraid, Dr. Crusher, that Suzy would fall from that height.

Calvin:  That would be cool, a fall from that height!

Picard(tensely):  Mr. Data!  Don't give him any ideas!!

Ro:  Wait, how can one fall over 1,000 feet; this part of the *ship* isn't
that tall!

Calvin2:  Spiff spots an opening; he smacks into the monsters hand; it
drops Suzy, but Spiff can't quite reach her as she lets out a
bloodcurdling - AUGH!  It's got him!

     (A crunch is heard as Spiff's machine is hurdled 500 feet!  Mean-
while, Snoopy swoops up in his Sopwith Camel, grasping Suzy at about
the 101st floor.)

Suzy(hugging him):  My hero!

Snoopy:  No thanks are necessary, ma'am, I'm just doing my duty.

Geordi(as Calvin runs out to see the crash of Spiff's plane):  I thought
you might be needing another pilot; he's the best I could find.

Picard:  Well done, Geordi.  Turn the cannons on that snow goon. (The
goon melts.)

Troi(very concerned, walking Calvin back from partway out to the crash
site):  I don't think boys your age should be seeing these crashes.  That
must be a real shock...

Calvin:  Yeah, neat, huh.  It shows you how fleeting life is.  What a way
to die, a fiery crash from way up high.  Man, I hope I have as great an
end.

Troi(as Picard tries to hold his temper):  Does it disturb you...

Calvin:  No, I was hoping to have 2 of me back home to really bug people
- you know, make my twin my slave.  But, it's okay.  I think seeing my
death was neater yet.  Gee, I wonder how I'll die?  A big crash like that
would be nice if there's a huge explosion, like on a ship like this...

Picard:  Get him out of here!!

Calvin(being led back to the transporter room by Geordi):  Hey, maybe I
can discover a dinosaur, then be mauled by it.  Eewww, gross!  That
would be neat...

Picard:  OUT!!  NOW!!!
---------------
(Calvin, Hobbes, Suzy, and Snoopy are all on the transporter pad)

Snoopy(to Suzy as they wait on the pad):  Farewell, sweet damsel,
parting is such sweet sorrow.  We'll always have Paris, though.

Suzy:  You're almost as weird as Calvin. (glances at Calvin):  No, I take
that back.  Nobody's close.

Calvin:  Neat snow goons, huh?  I had that plan set up to save you all
along.

Suzy(sarcastically):  I'll bet you did!

Picard:  Okay, bridge, once they beam down, get us out of here at warp
7; we know where the wormhole is to get us back  Energize!  (The group vanishes)

     (Back on the bridge):
Q (on audio):  Hey, Enterprise, I just got your message; sounds neat.  I'll
be by in a bit to check up on things...

     (The rest of the crew moans, but Picard silences them.)
Picard:  Ladies and gentlemen, after Calvin and Hobbes, I can safely say
I will put up with anything over them. (Over-emphasizing):  *Even Q*

--
Doug Fowler: dxf12@po.cwru.edu (Watch 4 new DELPHI address in May)
    "Build not your treasures on earth, where moth & rust can decay, or
thieves can steal.  Build instead in Heaven, where they cannot decay or
bestolen.  Where your treasure is, so shall your heart be." Matt.6:19-21

