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Janis.the.net.hussy.parody.p1
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Subject: The Adventures of Janis the Net.Hussy
Summary: pimps in space


The Adventures of Janis the Net.Hussy   Part I of ???

    Janis the Net.Hussy sat at her desk reviewing her linguo-phonology
dissertation. It was far from done but her professor wanted an update.
Just how much longer would she be at this unversity anyway? Didn't she
know there was a whole world out there beyond college, the People Who
Spit on Rush Limbaugh's Toupee Society and the Women's StarFleet Phaser
Shake and Bake Club? What a cad that prof could be. But what a pimp he'd 
probably make. She sighed.

   The intercom buzzed. 
   "Yes?" Janis asked.

   "O'Brien on line one for you Ms. Hussy.", the computer said.

   "Go ahead..."

   "Janis, where've you been?", O'Brien asked incredulously, "We got
those matter/antimatter antigrav flux capacitors back on line an hour 
ago. They're waiting for you in engineering...."

   "Geeez!", Janis exclaimed, "Can't you people function just sometimes
without me? Isnt Dax down there? She can handle the phase in." 

   "Yes, Im sure but we need your expertise...", O'Brien said.

   "Ok," Janis relented, "Give me an hour. Hussy out."

   Just as she was getting back to work the com unit buzzed again.
   "Hussy here."

   "Commander Hussy, Sisco here. Listen, don't forget that meeting with 
the Alterians at ohfourhundred this morning. They've just come through
the wormhole yesterday. We told them Quark's was shut down but they don't
believe me. We need your phonological skills to communicate with them that
allowing them to gamble on a first contact is against the prime directive."

    "So who died and left you pimp?" Janis demanded to know. "Don't you know 
I have a dissertation due in..."

    "Commander Hussy!" It was Kira in ops. "Sorry to break in but we have 
a Bajoran National here who demands to see you about why you won't let
their ship leave spacedock."

    "Kira, what's the matter? I thought you knew how to kick butt?! Im busy 
now!" Janis replied.

    "Oh thank you, commander, Ill take care of it!" said Kira in a barely
restrained voice of Bajoran glee.

    "Anyway, Sisco, I'll try to be there. Depends how far I get on my 
dissertation. And if there are any good bands playing at the union later."

    "OK, Sisco out."

    Janis wondered if she would ever get a moment's peace. 

    The com unit buzzed again. 
    "Ms. Hussy, this is Ambassoder Spock. I urgently request to speak with
you!"

    "OK, Mr. Spock, how can I help you?"

    "It's the Romulans. They say they will open fire and destroy millions of
innocent civilians and federation planets if they don't recieve the latest
shipment of Cakes and Scones from the Women's StarFleet Phaser Shake and
Bake Club. "

    "We sent that one out two solar weeks ago!", Janis replied.

    "I guess its late", Spock said. "There was a distributors strike in the
Beta quadrant near the neutral zone. That slowed things up."

    "Yes, well, tell them we'll get it there tomorow or we'll throw in a 
free basket of Denebian Slime cookies."

    "Right. For those cookies they'll do anything. Spock out."

    It was almost time to go to Engineering and see how things were progressing.

    The computer chirped up again. "Incoming for you on Starfleet Coded 
Priority Channel 57..."

     "On screen...."

     The screen lit up revealing the face of someone she wasn't sure she 
wanted to speak to.

     "Kirk! I thought I told you never to call me on this line! What reason
could you have for using a top priority line to call me?!" Janis exclaimed.

     "Uh...I'm a legend in my own time and I'm 200 hundred years old?"
James T. Kirk asked.

     "Oh right! And what makes you think I still want to talk to you? 
Especially after last time?" Janis wondered.

     "Hey, I may be 200 years old but that didn't stop you from sucumbing
to my charms." Kirk said with an impish grin. "All those rejuv treatments 
keep a guy in shape, if you know what I mean."

     "Kirk, you're still as womanizing as ever! But with just the right touch
of senility its downright charming."

     "Ha! I knew it. So when are beaming over to my place? I know a great 
little cafe at Galaxy's End." Kirk said.

     "How about this weekend?" Janis asked.

     "Good. Kira might show up...."

     "Even better!"

     "See you then. Kirk out."

     Ahg! How could she? With Kirk? But then, she wasn't called Janis the 
Net.Proud.Hussy for nothing... ;-)

###


Disclaimer:

We don't need no stinking disclaimer! :)

-- 
  I said to my girl, 'Was it good for you too?'
  And she said, 'I don't think this was good for anybody.
      Gary Shandling

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Janis.the.net.hussy.parody.p2
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Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.misc,alt.startrek.creative
Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!crcnis1.unl.edu!wupost!howland.reston.ans.net!usc!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!das.wang.com!wang!djw
From: djw@wang.com (David Weinstein)
Subject: The Continuing Saga of Commander Janis the Net.Hussy  Part 2
Organization: Wang Labs, Lowell MA, USA
Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1993 14:03:06 GMT
Message-ID: <C675p6.8oJ@wang.com>
Summary: In which our heroine is squeezed between a rock and a hard place.. ;)
Keywords: hussy, tos, tng, ds9
Lines: 335
Xref: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu rec.arts.startrek.misc:20599 alt.startrek.creative:5646



      The Continuing Adventures of Janis the Net.Hussy Part 2

	When last we left our heroine, Commander Hussy was 
inundated by calls from all over the galaxy for her help and 
expertise. Hussy pondered events on her way down to 
engineering to help O'Brien with the matter/antimatter antigrav 
flux capacitors phase in process.

	A crisis with the Romulans was averted by promising 
them a case of Denebian Slime Cookies from the Women's 
Star Fleet Phaser Shake and Bake Club. Sisco wanted her to 
attend a meeting with the Alterians at oh four hundred about the 
prime directive making gambling on a first contact prohibited. 
And Kirk would be waiting for her at the Galaxy's End Cafe. That 
200 year old, senile jerk wanted her in a menage a trios with, of 
all people, Kira! Just his type she guessed sarcastically.

	"Where've you been?!", O'Brien exclaimed as Janis 
entered engineering. "Its been over two hours!"

	"And here I thought you were supposed to be the new 
miracle worker, O'Brien," Hussy replied. "Don't tell me you left 
your brain behind in that last trip you made through the 
wormhole? If you know what I mean....."

	"Well you don't have to get Hussy about it...."

	To forestall any further argument Dax piped up in her 
usual crisp technospeak, "Commander, the phase in process is 
almost complete. We installed the transwarp inducers in the 
phased anitmatter graviton coils. Then we cross linked the data 
structures from the computer to run all the diagnostics.  So far 
everything is working fine. But the last part requires an 
executive decision." Dax said.

	"What's that?" Hussy asked.

	Dax and O'Brien exchanged glances suggesting 
surprise that the Commander did not know how to complete the 
operation. Dax looked down intently at her tricorder for a 
moment and pressed a few buttons in her usual dexterous 
fashion.

	"Uh," O'Brien said, "Do we use channel A or cross-
circuit to B?"

	"Cross circuit to B," Hussy replied as she turned and 
left. There was still too much to accomplish today; not to forget 
her linguo-phonology dissertation or her meeting with her 
professor.

	Hussy's professor was waiting for her when she 
returned to her office in the Phonology Department. Not that he 
had too far to walk since his office was just down the hall. 

	"Weren't we supposed to meet half an hour ago in my 
office to discuss your dissertation, Janis?" the Prof asked.

	"Yes," Janis replied, "but I got caught up in some things."

	"You seem to be distracted a lot lately." the professor 
continued. He stopped and looked at her for a second. "Why are 
you wearing that costume? And what's that funny shaped lapel 
pin supposed to be? Are you in some sort of theater group?"

	"Well, uh..." Janis said while she tried to think of some 
excuse, "yes, that's it, its a theature group....just something I got 
into lately...."  She smiled.

	He crossed his arms and peered down his nose at her. 
"I hope its not affecting your dissertation...."

	"No, of course not!" Janis said realizing he was about to 
go into his usual lecture about the Real World.

	The Prof continued, "You know, Janis, there's more to 
life and the Real World than this university. You can't stay here 
forever."

	He looked at her in his usual I pity the poor student look. 
"We'll talk about it in more detail tomorrow. The dissertation that 
is." he said and then left.

	Here he is lecturing me about the Real World and look 
where he is. He doesn't even realize the irony Hussy thought.  If 
he only knew the whole truth.... :)

	"Computer, " Hussy said, "display all mail headings and 
list all calls for the last hour."  

	"Working...", mail headings displayed now...you have 
three calls and one call answer queued...call one from James 
T. Kirk, call two from Katanya Legman, call three from Dijon 
Vinaigrette of the Klingon High Council.  The queued call is from 
Katanya Legman from the planet Horus VII. A queued call meant 
the calling party was put on hold while waiting for the person to 
answer. If Hussy answered it, this Legman person would be 
alerted by her computer that the caller was there and would pick 
up. 

	Hussy checked her mail. The usual orders for scones 
and cookies, some hate mail from Rush Limbaugh devotees, 
and a letter from a user on the east coast who said he liked her 
sig and wanted to write a story about her based on it. Probably 
some hardup hacker geek with no life she thought as she 
perused the remaining letters.

	She played back the first two calls. The first was from 
Kirk saying he looked forward to seeing her tonight. The second 
was from a woman who was shrieking in a high pitched voice 
that He was Hers and she had better back off! And that was it. 
Who was this woman? And how did she get her number?

	"Computer," Hussy said, "put the queued call through 
and on screen."  

	A few seconds later the screen came on line showing a 
woman with a finely sculpted face, Botticelli eyes, long blond 
hair, and a sexy silver dress that crisscrossed her chest 
revealing bare shoulders and midriff and a nice pair of legs with 
knee high boots. Probably an outfit Bill Thesis would've thought 
up, she thought in one corner of her mind. The woman looked 
vaguely familiar and almost at once started talking quite angrily.

	"You! How dare you go out with him? Don't you know 
he's mine? What do you think you're doing? Hands off I tell you! 
Just stay away from him!"

	"Whhooooaaaaahhhh!!!", Hussy said, "Just who are and 
what are you talking about?"

	"I'm talking about Kirk! I met him first. We've been going 
out for a few months now," Kat said. 	

	"Kirk?" Hussy queried, "James T. Kirk?"

	"Yes!", Kat said, "We met again recently when he and 
his landing party came into the club where I was performing on 
Horus VII." Kat's voice trailed off as she looked away. Her fiery 
demeanor subsided for a moment. She smiled. "We hit it off 
right away..."

	"So he told you that? That you were going out?"

	"No...but...."

	"Uh huh. Typical Kirk. He sees a lot of us working gals 
you know. So what makes you think..."

	"Listen honey," Kat said the heat back in her voice, "I 
was going out with him first so I'm just telling you to back off!"

	"OK, ok," Hussy said, "I had a date to see him tonight 
but after the way he acted last time I don't know. Why don't you 
meet him instead?"

	"Sure", Kat replied.

	Janis told her where and when. "One more thing," Hussy 
asked, "How did you get my number?"

	"You're a net.personality aren't you? You know with that 
funny sig and all." 

	"What?!" Janis exclaimed.

	"I have my sources," Kat continued, "someone gave it to 
me." She hung up and the screen went blank.

	Very strange indeed. Figures Kirk would pick up an 
exotic dancer on some exotic alien planet, Hussy thought. He 
may be two hundred years old but he was still the same old 
Kirk. Now she needed a good excuse to tell Kirk why she wasn't 
going to be there. Since he was not easily fooled, she realized 
she'd need some expert advice, someone who was intimately 
aquainted with the former Captain of the Enterprise. 

	"Computer," she said, "seek and interface networked 
intelligence DRMC01."

	"Working...."

	A few seconds later the screen came to life with a 
familiar face. He was as he preferred to be remembered, a Star 
Fleet officer in his prime, mid thirties, face showing the lines 
and experience of someone older, and right now a sarcastic 
grin and a twinkle in his eye.

	"You rang?" he drawled.

	"McCoy!" Hussy said, "Am I glad you're here! Oh 
brother, I need your help with something."

	"Well of course I'm here!" McCoy exclaimed. "Where the 
hell else would I be? Seeing as how I didn't like my molecules 
scrambled in that damn transporter when I was alive its 
certainly a damn shame to see them scattered all over this 
Federation computer net when I'm dead!"

	"I need to talk to you."

	"Oh, and you think you're the privileged? Right now I'm 
carrying on 273 simultaneous communications and monitoring 
2034 medical procedures even as we speak. Some doctor on 
Carotid III wants to know whether he should use the Gronkman 
scanner or a Phenoxaldine as a treatment for postprangial 
upper-abdominal phlabitomitosus in Rigelians....", McCoy said.

	Hussy tried to cut in, "It's about Kirk...." 

	"And just how did I know that?", McCoy asked.

	Hussy began to get annoyed. "You weren't listening in 
earlier today on my transmission with him were you?"

	"Moi?" McCoy's face took on a false incredulous look 
despite the grin.

	"And you didn't give out my number to a certain Katanya 
stripper person on Horus VII, did you?" Hussy asked impatiently. 

	"Maybe."

	Janis frowned. "How could you? And how can you, an 
NI, have access to top priority classified Star Fleet 
transmission?"

	"Look darlin'," McCoy began taking on an exaggerated 
southern drawl, "you forget, I'm not just an NI. I'm numero uno, 
VIP, all purpose, high ranking, Star Fleet medical NI with the 
equivalent security ranking of Admiral! I have access to 
everything."  

	They looked at each other for a moment. He wasn't 
really alive but it was almost as if some spark of human 
understanding passed between them.

	Hussy's frown faded as she relaxed realizing the good 
doctor had her best interests at "heart".

	McCoy continued without the accent in his best bedside 
manner, "You know after last time you really didn't want to see 
him again anyway. Right? So I just thought I'd help you out a 
little. That's all. I knew he met Katanya a while ago. So I tipped 
her off. I think he was trying to ditch her. But she's too dumb to 
realize that!"

	They both started laughing. 

	When they calmed down after a minute Janis said, "So 
what do I tell him?"

	"You leave that to me. Just record a message and I'll get 
it over there and have a talk with him. Heck, he talks to me 
almost all the time as if I'm still alive." McCoy said.

	"Won't he get mad at you for interfering?" Janis asked.

	"Yea. But then he'll realize how silly he's being getting 
mad at a machine. Then he'll forget about it. Unless...."

	"Unless what?"

	"Unless he's really fallen in love with you....", McCoy said 
a slight gleam.

	"HA! Hardly." Janis exclaimed, "As soon as he sees that 
bimbo I'm sure I'll be forgotten. At least, I hope so...." her voice 
trailed off with slight uncertainty. What if? Nah. No way. No way 
Jose!

	"We'll talk later.  And have fun with that next call, its a 
doosey!" 

	"Bye, and thanks Doctor," Janis said

	"McCoy out."  and he was gone.

	Hussy was relieved that was over. She liked McCoy. He 
was easy to talk to and almost fatherly in a way. She wished 
she had known him when he was still alive, but figured this was 
the next best thing.  One more phone message to check.

	It was the call from a member of the Klingon High 
Council. He requested, practically demanded that she return his 
call at once.  Hussy instructed the computer to return the call.  
She shuffled through some papers on her desk and a minute 
later was informed that Dijon was on the line. 

	"Commander Hussy!" barked Dijon. The screen showed 
his imposing figure and serious countenance.

	"Yes, Dijon, how can I help you?" Hussy replied in a 
polite yet even tone.

	"You are the President and Founder of the People Who 
Spit on Rush Limbaugh's Toupee Society?"

	"Yes..."

	"Good!" the Council member said with glee, "We hereby 
demand that you bring Rush Limbaugh to us at once! Failure to 
do so and for him to appear for punishment of his crimes 
against Klingon society will result in a serious breach of 
relations between our respective worlds. I think you can guess 
what that would mean...." Dijon leered menacingly at her his last 
words hanging in the air.

	Hussy swallowed and took a short breath pretending to 
appear calm, as if what he said had no impact. The next few 
minutes of the negotiation would be crucial.  She wondered if 
she was up for it. And if her dissertation would ever get done...

To be continued......

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Disclaimer:

What's a disclaimer? All in good fun. Nothing personal. Its never 
personal! We just like her sig. And yes, we do have a life! :) All 
coincidental realities between actual fictional persons and real 
life personas are intentional but just a guess really. Have a nice 
day.  :-)


###


-- 
* Raymond Moyher, 30, was arrested in West Haven, Conn. after a police officer stopped
him near a WaWa convenience store that had just been robbed.  According to the arresting officer, when
he asked Moyher what he had been doing, Moyher said, "I just left the WaWa store that I robbed." 

