Subject: Honnigford and Timmers:  "Christmas Follies"

FROM THE WARPED MIND OF FRED BYON....

A BUBBLEGUM TREK PRODUCTION...

The Adventures of Honnigford and Timmers!

Starring....

ADAM SANDLER as Ensign John Honnigford
and
DAVID HASSELHOFF as Ensign Chris Timmers

Co-Starring....

CONNIE SELLICA as Cmdr. Sylia Stingray
ASHLEY JUDD as Lt. Cmdr. Nene Romanova 
BRIDGET FONDA as Lt. Prisilla S. Asigiri
MARISA TOMEI as Ensign Linna Yamazaki
MICHAEL KEATON as Lt. Cmdr. Douglass Rau
DIANE KARAGIAN as Counselor Diane Karagian
PHEOBE CATES as Lt. Anri
KRISTI YAMAGUCHI as Dr. Katsumi Saito

HONNIGFORD:  Space...the hentai frontier...these are the voyages of the
Federation Starship _Stingray_...our mission: to masturbate on strange new
worlds...to make out with new lives and with new civilizations...to boldly
screw where no one has screwed before....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(a set of off camera hands grab Honnigford by the neck)

TONIGHT'S EPISODE:  "Christmas Follies"

(SCENE:  The Twelve-Forward lounge.  We see Ensign Timmers at the bar while
Ensign Honnigford is "flirting" with Priss at a nearby table.  Nearby there
is a lighted Christmas Tree as well as various Chirstmas decorations)

HONNIGFORD:  So I hear you like to...do things by yourself.

PRISS:  I do a lot of things by myself.

HONNIGFORD:  And I hear that's also true when you served on the Enterprise,
right?

PRISS:  Uh...yeah.  What is this supposed to be LEADING to?

HONNIGFORD:  Well, if you let me do IT for YOU, then you'll never have to 
jack off again!  (puckers his lips to Priss' cheek)

(Priss cocks her arm back and then suddenly Honnigford is eating fist.
Honnigford lands back-first to the floor)

PRISS:  In you wet dreams, dork.  Get lost.

HONNIGFORD:  Ouch...(get up off the floor)

(He goes over to the bar, where Ensign Chris Timmers is sipping egg nog)

TIMMERS:  Heh...I TOLD you she was tough.

HONNIGFORD:  Naw, she's just in a bad mood today.  (notices the egg nog)
What is that crap you're drinking?

TIMMERS:  Egg nog.  Traditional Christmas beverage.

HONNIGFORD:  Christmas.  Yuck.

TIMMERS:  What's wrong with Christmas?

HONNIGFORD:  During Christmas, I never get ANYTHING.  I mean, everyone else
did, but I always got STUPID stuff like clothes and shoes and other stinky-
poo garbage.  I lost faith in that dorky holiday when I was 9 or so.  Now
whenever I see Christmas decorations around me, I want to...PUKE.

TIMMERS:  Hey, c'mon, at least have SOME spirit.  Maybe Santa will get you
some BABES or something.  I know he will for me.

HONNIGFORD:  BABES?  Yeah, right.  And I bet Mrs. Claus doesn't know that
he's fooling with them.  Besides...isn't Santa Claus dead or something?

TIMMERS:  Geez, I've never met anyone who really disliked Christmas.

HONNIGFORD:  There's always the first time, my good hentai friend.

TIMMERS:  HENTAI!?!!??!  Well at least I'm not as perverted as you are!

HONNIGFORD:  Oh, REALLY?

(While they are arguing, we now switch to another lounge table, where we
see Lt. Shelia Barnes talking to Counselor Karagian)

LT. BARNES:  ....it's worse enough being a single mother onboard a starship,
but trying to nurture your daughter to human customs is almost as bad...well,
at least in my opinion.

KARAGIAN:  I'm sure others feel the same way.  May I ask what...exactly is
the problem?

LT. BARNES:  Putting it bluntly, Counselor, my daughter wants to talk to 
Santa Claus.

KARAGIAN:  Really?

LT. BARNES:  When we were stationed on Earth, Kimberly always looked forward
to meeting him, but I kept telling her that Santa was always busy delivering
toys to many kids.  This kind of thing continued for a while, and now that
we're on a starship, what could I tell her now?  This is our first Christmas
away from home, and her curiosity of meeting the "big red suited guy" seemed
to intensify over the years.

KARAGIAN:  Actually, I heard that some crewmembers tell their children that
Santa has warp drive so that he could still deliver the goodies.  Maybe you
could use that as well as the "busy" reason...

LT. BARNES:  What good would it do now?  Counselor, the bottom line is that
Kim wants to meet Santa, whether it's here or on Earth.  And the fact that
we're away from home makes it even more difficult.

KARAGIAN:  Have you ever went to a Christmas party on Earth?

LT. BARNES:  No.  I was WAY too busy then.  Seemed that free time was a 
fantasy for me.  I guess that's where the problem lies, eh?

KARAGIAN:  Usually, of course, they have someone dressed as Santa Claus
at those parties.  Although we don't have a large male manifest, I could
try asking someone to...

LT. BARNES:  Could you?  Kimmy is just dying to meet him!

KARAGIAN:  I can't promise anything but I'll see what I can do.

LT. BARNES:  Thank you!  Sorry to talk so long...I must get back to duty...
(scampers out of her seat and leaves the lounge)

(Karagian then notices Honnigford and Timmers over at the bar.  She leaves
her seat and approaches the bar)

TIMMERS:  Oh, hello, sexy thing.  What say we knock some boots since it's
Christmas eve?

KARAGIAN:  Sorry Ensign, but your boots aren't the type I'd knock.

TIMMERS:  Nuts...

HONNIGFORD:  SEE?  That PROVES you're more HENTAI than I am!

KARAGIAN:  Um, there was something I wanted to ask you, John.

HONNIGFORD:  Oh, you want to knock my boots instead of his?

KARAGIAN (embarrased):  No no no...one of the crewmembers is raising a four
year old daughter all by herself and she desperately wants to meet Santa
Claus.  I was wondering if you were willing to...

HONNIGFORD:  ...dress as SANTA CLAUS!?!??!?!   NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KARAGIAN:  Gee, where's your Christmas spirit?

HONNIGFORD:  Deceased, my dear.  And to quote a famous Charles Dickens line,
"Bah humbug."

TIMMERS:  He hates Christmas, of all things.

KARAGIAN:  You do?

HONNIGFORD:  Yes, personally, it ranks up there with April Fools Day.  I
am sorry, but I WILL *NEVER* demoralize myself by dressing up as some
old GEEZER that is .  And besides...Santa Claus never gets laid.

KARAGIAN:  Is that all you think about?  SEX?

TIMMERS:  Ha!  That proves it!  You're more hentai than I am!

HONNIGFORD (somewhat angry):  Shut up, dork!

KARAGIAN (sighs):  Well, if you ever change your mind...

HONNIGFORD:  I sincerely doubt it, but thank you for the offer anyway.

(Karagian nods back and leaves the lounge)

TIMMERS:  Hey, actually, you'd make a GOOD Santa Claus.  You have the right
height and...

HONNIGFORD:  I told you I won't be doing it!

TIMMERS:  Aw, come on.  I could be your helper...

HONNIGFORD:  Forget it!  Christmas is just fooey!  It's so fooey that I'm
now sick of talking to you!  Good night and have a merry...whatever.

(Honnigford leaves the lounge, while Timmers just shrugs)

(SCENE:  Exterior of the USS Stingray as it travels at impulse)

SYLIA (voiceover):  Captain's log, Stardate 46996.8.  With the discovery
of a supposedly agressive Borg, we've been placed on yellow alert so that
we can be prepared for an unexpected attack.  Needless to say, and I'm sure
that a lot of crewmembers would agree, this is not the ideal way to spend
the holidays.

(Sylia's ready room.  We see Sylia behind the desk while Nene and Cmdr.
Rau are seated in lounge chairs)  

SYLIA:  Just so that you both know, I received updated information from
Starfleet Command.  Word is that the Enterprise's Borg prisoner escaped
with Commander Data on a shuttle and they lead a chase to an uninhibited 
class-M planet. 
 
RAU:  So that means we really have nothing to worry about, then?  It would
take us six months at maximum warp to get to the solar system they're located
in... 

SYLIA:  They still haven't ruled out the possibility that the transwarp conduits
are of the Borg's making, though.  There's still a chance that their Borg ship 
could just appear out of nowhere.  Since we're heavily armed...

RAU:  Huh.  The "perfect" ship then.

NENE:  Long range sensors haven't picked up any of these "transwarp conduits".
Starfleet is getting antsy over nothing.  We should be heading back to Earth
now for Christmas but instead...

SYLIA:  I insisted that to Admiral B'tarak but they don't want a repeat of
Wolf 359 some three years ago.  Since we're smack dab in the middle of 
Federation space, he thought that we could do what 39 starships couldn't.

RAU:  That's exactly how many Federation vessels were lost...

SYLIA (sighs):  I don't want to use the suits against these guys.  But
it appears that we've been given no choice apparently.  Hell, we don't even
know much about this supposedly "new" Borg vessel.

NENE:  I'm miffed as to why Data would conspire with them.

SYLIA:  This really isn't our problem.  And I was looking forward to Christmas
on Earth.

RAU:  Likewise...

NENE:  Me too....

SYLIA:  But in any case...any recommendations?

RAU:  I guess all we could do is maintain patrol and keep long range sensors
active.  I stll frankly find it extremely unlikely that one of these conduits
would come out of nowhere, although we still don't know enough about them.

SYLIA:  My thought exactly.  (sighs)  I guess we'll have to celebrate 
Christmas as much as we can here.  And I thought this would be...a SPECIAL 
holiday...and without a major conflict too...

(SCENE:  Ensign Honnigford getting ready for bed.  He is wearing multi-
colored pajamas.  He climbs into the bed and pulls the covers)

HONNIGFORD:  Lights out.

(Lights turn off)

(We see Honnigford twist and turn as he tries to sleep)

HONNIGFORD:  Can't sleep...computer...run Priss program five...

PRISS' VOICE:  Oh...that's SOOOOOO good...um...yeah...oh yes...feel my
pussy...argh...f**k...I'm gonna...I'm gonna...oooohhhh.....

HONNIGFORD:  Ah...now I can sleep...

(He starts snoozing)

(A few hours later...)

FEMALE VOICE:  ...Ensign Johnathan Honnigford...wake up.

HONNIGFORD (turns):  Huh...wha...

FEMALE VOICE:  Wake up...

HONNIGFORD (sits up in bed):  What...oh, uhh...

(Honnigford sees Sylia in a Cardassian cut gown)

HONNIGFORD:  Oh...Commander...wow...I'm gonna get laid...why don't you join
me in bed?

SYLIA GHOST:  I am not who you think I am.  I am the ghost...of Christmas
future.

HONNIGFORD:  Ha ha.  I read Dickens too.  And besides, I hate April Fools
as much as I hate Christmas.  So why don't you join me and go on a wild
ride....

SYLIA GHOST:  YOU will go on a wild ride.

(She then grabs Honnigford by the wrist and jerks him out of bed)

HONNIGFORD:  Hey....!

(Suddenly, they both fly through the near bulkhead and into outer space.
Honnigford turns around and sees the _Stingray_ disappearing in the 
distance)

HONNIGFORD (scared stiff):  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(They appear to be travelling at warp speed.  From Honnigford's viewpoint,
the stars seem to be getting faster and faster.  Suddenly, he then sees
a big flash of white light...)

(Honnigford shakes his head.  He looks around and notices that his 
surroundings are a Federation office on a Starbase.  An old Starfleet
Admiral is behind a desk)

HONNIGFORD:  Where the f*ck am I?

SYLIA GHOST (reappearing in front of Honnigford):  Watch...

(The office doors open and a young lieutenant enters, giving a computer
padd to the admiral)

LIEUTENANT:  Here is the latest on the Romulan war, sir.  So far our front
line has kept the warbirds away from Sector 001, but obviously there's no
telling if any cloaked ships...

ADMIRAL:  Yes, I figured.  (groans as he studies the padd)  That damn 
John Honnigford.  If it wasn't for him we wouldn't be in this godforsaken
war.

(Honnigford looks shocked)

LIEUTENANT:  I'm not familiar what the circumstances were, Admiral.  Exactly
what happened?

ADMIRAL:  He had no faith in Christmas, Lieutenant.  The Romulans were 
interested in signing an alliance with the Federation, and they wanted to
learn more about one of our customs, namely Christmas.  But that propaganda
spreading no-friend of mine decided to tell them that "Christmas is for
dumb pointy eared people".  Naturally, Romulus didn't take that well...and
the rest is history.

LIEUTENANT:  So for THAT we're at war?

ADMIRAL (nods):  Apparently he just wanted to ruin the lives of many young
Terran children...and if he's still around he would know what the consequences
would have been.  But it's too late now.  (sighs)  I should never have been
his friend.

(Honnigford then notes a plaque on the wall with the name Admiral Christopher
Timmers)

HONNIGFORD:  No!!!!  This can't be happening...Chris...I'm sorry...really...

SYLIA GHOST:  He cannot hear a word you are saying, John.

HONNIGFORD:  Make him hear me...!

SYLIA GHOST:  It is not possible.  You are witnessing the consequences of
your belief, John Honnigford.  A belief that would shatter the lives of
many, young and old...and in more ways than one.

HONNIGFORD:   Er...What happens...to me??!?!?!!?

SYLIA GHOST:   You miss out on a lot of things in your life, John 
Honnigford.  Specifically....the chance to fulfill your wildest dreams.
Your beliefs...gave you disrespect among others...

HONNIGFORD:  Huh?

(The Sylia Ghost then sheds her Cardassian gown and she is stark naked in
front of Honnigford.  He starts to drool.  But then Sylia Ghost has a
sinister look)

HONNIGFORD:  Wow, what big ti...

SYLIA GHOST:  This is what you would have had, John Honnigford.  But you
lack of faith in Christmas can never win it now.

HONNIGFORD (straightening up):  But...it's not like as if you're the only
woman in the galaxy...!

(Sylia Ghost snaps her fingers and nude images of Nene, Priss, and Linna
appear) 

NENE GHOST:  You would have had us too, John Honnigford.

PRISS GHOST:  I just jacked off for the rest of my life, John Honnigford.

LINNA GHOST:  You would have been a hunk, John Honnigford.

HONNIGFORD:  This CAN'T be real.

SYLIA GHOST:  It is real, John Honnigford.  Your belief has cost millions
of lives.  And you lived your life...as a man than no man, woman, or child
could respect in any way.  You lived and died...as a loner...

HONNIGFORD (sobbing):  No...no...this isn't real...

SYLIA GHOST:  It is real, John Honnigford.  Here is how your life will end.

(Suddenly, all four Knight Sabers raise their palms and big white energy
bursts emerge from their hands.  Honnigford is raised into the air while
the Knight Sabers continue to have sinister looks on their faces.  They
start laughing evilly as well)

HONNIGFORD:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(Suddenly Honnigford is flying through space again.  He sees Earth and the
next thing he knows he is entering the Earth's athmosphere.  He starts to
descend and he then notices the state of Indiana.  He continues to fly
into West Lafayette and then finally lands in a graveyard.  On a gravestone,
he sees engraved, "Johnathan Honnigford ---- died a virgin and a hater of
Christmas."

HONNIGFORD:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(He then suddenly goes straight into the Earth's surface.  He looks
down and sees himself falling into...redness and fire)

HONNIGFORD:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

(Honnigford's quarters)

HONNIGFORD: ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

(Honnigford looks around and realizes that he is back in his quarters)

HONNIGFORD:  What?  Was that all..a dream?  It seemed so f**king real....
(He gets out of bed)
 
HONNIGFORD:  Computer, Calendar Date and time?

COMPUTER VOICE:  DECEMBER 25, 2369.  IT IS NOW 0658 HOURS.

HONNIGFORD:  What holiday would this be...on Earth?

COMPUTER VOICE:  TODAY WOULD BE CHRISTMAS DAY, THE CELEBRATION OF THE
BIRTH OF JESUS CHRIST ON EARTH...

(Honnigford suddenly has a notion...that it's not too late to turn a 
new leaf)

(SCENE:  Bridge of the _Stingray_.  Except for several crewmembers walking
back and forth, all the bridge stations are unmanned.  We see Commander
Rau pacing back and forth in front of the captain's chair)

RAU:  Where the hell is Honnigford...

HONNIGFORD'S VOICE (on comm link):  Honnigford to bridge...

RAU:  Ensign, you better have a DAMN good excuse for not being on time...

HONNIGFORD'S VOICE:  I'd like to be moved to the...afternoon shift.  I'm
not feeling too...well right now.  Er, please?

RAU:  Granted.  I'm getting sick and tired of putting up with you anyway.

HONNIGFORD'S VOICE:  Thank you, sir.  You won't regret it!

RAU: "You won't regret it"?   Ah well...I guess even loonies deserve breaks
on Christmas...

(SCENE:  Twelve-Forward lounge.  We see Ensign Timmers drinking his
favorite "crap", Egg Nog.  We hear Christmas music in the background)

HONNIGFORD'S VOICE (comm link):  Honnigford to Timmers.

TIMMERS:  Yes, John?

HONNIGFORD'S VOICE:  Come to my quarters.  I've decided to turn a new
leaf.  And bring some spandex with you...

(SCENE:  Engineering.  Lt. Anri is checking various panels and stations)

ANRI (sighs):  It's Christmas and we're in a crisis situation...I just 
wish I knew what it was like to celebrate....

(Anri hears a loud shuddering from a nearby Jeffries Tube)

ANRI:  What...?

(The hatch to the Jeffries Tube clonks open and Honnigford, dressed
as Santa Claus, emerges as well as Timmers, who is wearing nothing but
Spandex underwear and a Santa hat.  "Santa" also is carrying a large
sack)

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Ho ho ho...Merry Christmas!

ANRI:  What...?  Timmers...Honnigford....?

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Honnigford who?  Don't you know who you're talking to?

ANRI:  Well, er, you look like...Santa Claus.

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Yep...ho ho ho...and this is one of my, er, elves.

"ELF" TIMMERS:  Hi there!

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Your name is...Anri, right?

ANRI:  I guess I'll play along...yes, I am...

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  And I heard that you were a good girl this year, right?

ANRI:  I suppose...

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Good...

("Santa" digs through his sack and yanks out a medium sized package with
Anri's name on it)

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Here you go!

ANRI (receiving package):  Thanks, Joh..er, I mean Santa.  May it open it
now?

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Sure!  You've been a good girl this year!

(Anri opens the package and notices the words "SEX TOYS" on it.  She opens
the box and peeks insides)

ANRI (excited):  Ooooooohhhhhh....something I *ALWAYS* wanted!  Thanks
Santa!

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  You're welcome...ho ho ho...

ANRI (to another officer):  Lieutenant...you have Engineering...I'll be
back!

(Anri runs off to her quarters.  "Santa" and "Elf" giggle.)
 
"ELF" TIMMERS:  Where to, now?

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Off to the exercise room....

(SCENE:  Exercise room.  Linna Yamazaki is on a stairmaster (I presume they
still have 'em in the 24th century).  "Santa" Honnigford and "Elf" Timmers
approach her)

LINNA:  Uh oh...I'm afraid to ask what you two are up to now.

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Now now, girl, where is your Christmas spirit?  I understand
that you've been a VERY good girl this year.

LINNA:  This better not be a joke...

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  No joke, my fair lady.  I got something that you will
love...

("Santa" digs out a package for Linna and hands it to the Knight Saber.
Linna opens it with caution and her eyes then light up)

LINNA:  A ThighMaster 6000!  I've *always* wanted this!

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Only Santa would give out the Genuine Article!  (in
his mind)  Well, sort of...

LINNA:  Why thank you!  You two can be first class JERKS but I'm glad you
guys do something sensible every now and then...

("Santa" and "Elf" look at each other)

(SCENE:  Twelve-Forward lounge.  Nene and Counselor Karagian are talking
at the bar.  Christmas Music in the background.  The lounge doors slide open
and Santa and Elf enter)

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Ho ho ho...Merry Christmas, Barbie twins...

NENE AND KARAGIAN:  "Barbie Twins"?

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Uhhh...Santa just has a warped sense of humor today.

KARAGIAN:  You're dressed.  What made you change your mind?

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Let's just say...I'm a NEW man.

NENE:  So that means that you won't be pinching our butts anymore?  Hmm?

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Well, John Honnigford might, but SANTA never pinches other
peoples' butts!

KARAGIAN:  Oh...that means John will get coal in his stocking?  (both
girls laugh)

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  I'll be the judge of that, thank you.  Anyway, I know
that you both have been ESPECIALLY GOOD GIRLS this year, so I got you both
something really special...

("Santa" reaches into his sack and pulls out what appears to be two 
chocolate cakes)

NENE:  Oooooooohhhh....thank you, er, Santa.

KARAGIAN:  Wow...

(Nene takes a bite into one of the cakes and she then yelps in pain)

NENE:  Ouch...what is...

KARAGIAN:  Nene, it looks like a lamp.

(Karagian points to a metal string connected to the fake candle on the lamp.
She pulls it and the candle illuminates brightly)

NENE:  Oh...fooled me.  Heh...

KARAGIAN:  Thank you, Mr. Claus.

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  You're welcome, ladies.  Oh, by the way, do you know
where a Lieutenant Shelia Barnes resides?

(SCENE:  The quarters of Lt. Shelia Barnes.  We see her and Barnes' daughter,
Kimberly, opening presents.  A luminated Christmas tree is nearby)

KIMBERLY:  Mommy, was Santa really here?

LT. BARNES:  Yes, dear, he was.  All these presents were from him!

KIMBERLY:  But Mommy...I want to see Santa!

LT. BARNES:  Kimmy, Santa is really busy this time of year.  He has to see
a lot of other SPECIAL children just like yourself!

KIMBERLY:  But Mommy...I'm more special than anyone else in the world!

LT. BARNES:  Yes you are, but...

(door chime)

LT. BARNES:  Come in!

("Santa" and "Elf" enter)

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Ho ho ho...Merry Christmas!

KIMBERLY (excited):  SANTA!!!!

(Santa Honnigford picks up the child off the floor)

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  You're Kimberly, right?

KIMBERLY:  Yes, Santa!  I've bee a REEEAAAALLLYY good girl this year!

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  You're sure have...and Santa has something EXTRA for you
for being a good girl!

("Santa" yanks out a beautiful satin doll and gives it to Kimberly)

KIMBERLY:  OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH, she's BEAUTIFUL!

LT. BARNES:  What do you say, Kimmy?

KIMBERLY:  THANK YOU, SANTA!

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  You're welcome, Kimmy, ho ho ho...

KIMBERLY:  Oh, Mommy, why is Santa's helper wearing just panties?

LT. BARNES:  Yes, why IS Santa's helper is wearing nothing but Spandex?

"ELF" TIMMERS (embarrased):  Uh, well, er.... 

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Oh, he just left his clothes back at the North Pole.

LT. BARNES:  Uh, I see...anyway, thanks, both of you.  You've really made
her Christmas.

"SANTA" AND "ELF":  Thank you!  Merry Christmas!

(They leave.  We see them entering the corridor)

"ELF" TIMMERS:  Say, why DID you want me to wear Spandex?

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Wait 'till we get to the Captain.  Lemme tell ya about it...

(SCENE:  Sickbay.  Dr. Katsumi Saito is surprised to receive a blow-up Ken
punching bag)

DR. SAITO:  Oh, thank you!

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  You're very welcome, dear lady.  Ho ho ho...

(Dr. Saito then does her helicopter kick on the punching bag)

DR. SAITO:  Yip yip!

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Wow, I must say, you have great GAMS!

DR. SAITO:  Uh, thanks.  And I thought Santa Claus was too SENILE to notice
other people's body parts.

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Uh, right...

(SCENE:  The bridge.  Cmdr. Rau receives a 20th century AK-47)

CMDR. RAU:  Thanks!  I've always wanted these antiques!  I could use this on
a certain Ensign Honnigford whenever he shows up late for his shift...

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Now, now, Commander, you were a good boy this year!

CMDR. RAU:  Actually, from where I came from, doing BAD sometimes contributes
to a greater good.

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Uh, yes, of course...anyway, is the Captain here?

(SCENE:  Sylia's ready room.  She is studiously looking over diagrams of the
Borg ship when her door chime goes off)

SYLIA:  Come in!

(Santa and Elf enter)

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Ho ho ho...Merry Chirstmas!

SYLIA:  I wanted a surprise for Christmas, and this wasn't what I had in mind.
What do you two want?

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  What do we want?  Actually, what is it that YOU want?

SYLIA:  Okay, what's the deal here?

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Well, you were a VERY good girl this year, and you know
what Santa always give to good girls!

SYLIA:  Right, but how do I know that you're supposed to be the Santa Claus
my father used to tell me?

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Oh, come now, Miss Stingray.  I AM the Santa you know.  I'll prove it to you...

("Santa" pulls out a gift box out and hands it to Sylia)

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  You can open it now if you like!

SYLIA:  Very well, then.

(Sylia opens the box and inside she sees a Cardassian-cut nightie.  She holds
it up to see it for herself)

SYLIA:  It's...gorgeous.  Very...er, sensuous too.  Thank you, er, Santa.

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  You're very welcome...ho ho ho...and since you've been
an...EXTRA good girl this year...

("Santa" yanks out a 20th century cassette tape player.  He hits the "play"
button and then "Elf" Timmers starts strip teasing to the tune of "I'm Too
Sexy")

"ELF" TIMMERS:  I'm...too sexy for this spandex...too sexy for this spandex...

SYLIA (somewhat upset):  EXCUSE ME.  I don't want to be rude, but I'm sure
that you don't want too see Ensigns Honnigford and Timmers get their BUTTS
SENT BACK TO THE ENTERPRISE, RIGHT?

SANTA HONNIGFORD AND ELF TIMMERS:  Uhhhh....no, of course not!  They were
um, GOOD boys this year!  Yeah, good boys!

SYLIA:  But of course.  Thank you for the gift.

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Thank you!  Merry Christmas...

"ELF" TIMMERS:  Ho ho ho...

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  That's MY line, dork!

"ELF" TIMMERS:  Sorry...

(They leave in haste.  Sylia takes a look at the nightie again)

SYLIA:  I kinda hate to admit it, but I think I'll like this...

(SCENE:  Back to twelve-forward, where we see Priss at one of the tables.
"Santa" and "Elf" enter the scene)

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Merry Christmas, Miss Asigiri...ho ho ho...

PRISS (smiles):  How unusual that you two CLOWNS are actually doing something
good.  I've already heard; I kinda figured that you two would come to me
sooner or later.

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Of course!  Santa always comes around to, er, good girls!

PRISS:  I guess it depends on what you call "good".  But anyway...

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Okay...since you've been, er, ESPECIALLY, er, WONDERFUL this
year, I got something really, um, SPECIAL!

("Santa" digs into the sack and pulls out a long, small boxed object and hands
it to Priss)

PRISS:  What is it?  Can I open it now?

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Um, actually, maybe you should wait until you get back 
into your quarters.  It's a really...intimate gift.

PRISS:  Okay, I'm game...thanks.

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Merry Christmas...ho ho ho...

(Priss gets up and leaves the lounge)

"ELF" TIMMERS (to Santa):  Think she'll like it?

SANTA HONNIGFORD:  Trust me, it'll become Priss program six...

(Priss' quarters.  Priss plops on the bed and opens the box, revealing a
large 10 inch long plastic male-genatilia shaped object)

PRISS:  What...the nerve of those...well, heh, it is kinda large...right
length too...nuts, I'm getting hot thinking about...

(_Stingray_ bridge.  Rau at Ops)

PRISS' VOICE:  Asigiri to bridge.  If I'm needed, I'll be in holodeck four.

(Rau raises an eyebrow and just shrugs)

(SCENE:  Late afternoon.  Shot of the _Stingray_ still in patrol.  Cut to
the bridge, where we see Ensign Honnigford entering the bridge from the
turbolift)

HONNIGFORD:  I heard I missed Santa Claus.

RAU (at Ops):  You sure did.  He was great, too.  Thought I was a "good boy
this year".  Yeah right...

(Honnigford shrugs)

RAU:  But I sure loved that AK-47 he gave me though...

HONNIGFORD:  Er, glad to to hear it.

(Sylia and Nene then emerge from the ready room; Priss enters the bridge from
the turbolift and goes over to tactical)

SYLIA:  Good news, everyone...Starfleet has given us the green light to curtail
patrol duties.  We've been invited to Starbase 193 for a Christmas Party!

(Cheers all around)

SYLIA:  If we go at warp seven, we'll make it there in four hours.  So, without
any further adieu, Ensign, set a course for...

(Whirring sound at the aft tactical station)

PRISS:  Wait, Sylia...sensors are picking up...something.  Whatever it is
is heading right at us.

SYLIA:  Specifically...?

RAU:  It appears to be about the size of a type fifteen shuttlepod...it's
going at approximately warp 6.5...still can't get a positive ID...

NENE:  Could this be the Borg...?

SYLIA:  Not sure.  Starfleet didn't inform me about them having shuttlecraft
of all things.

PRISS:  Should I ready phasers and torpedos?

SYLIA:  Stand by.  Maintain yellow alert for now.

RAU:  Whatever it is is now in viewing range.

SYLIA:  Put it onscreen.

(On the viewscreen, we see an image of Santa Claus in his sleigh and his
reindeer.  It comes to a complete halt right in front of the ship)

NENE:  Huh?  It's...

RAU:  What?

PRISS:  It's...it's...

SYLIA:  It's the...real...

PRISS:  Er...he's hailing us...

SYLIA:  Open a channel...

(Closeup of Santa's face)

SANTA CLAUS:  Ho ho ho...Merry Christmas, everyone.  I believe this is the
Federation starship USS Stingray, correct?

SYLIA:  I am Commander Sylia Stingray, the captain of this vessel.  Er, what
can we...um, do for you, Mr., er, Claus?

SANTA CLAUS:  Well, I just wanted to give my well wishes to you all,
particularly that fine young man you have there in your conn.

HONNIGFORD:  Er, ME?

SANTA CLAUS:  Very perceptive there, young man...ho ho ho...you see, I sure
don't see a lot of my kind nowadays.  Of course, not everyone in the universe
celebrates Christmas, but whenever I hear about someone trying to spread the
joys and good times of Christmas, I have a very big soft spot.  You've done
very well, Mr. John Honnigford.  Of course, no one could replace me...but 
heck, you come darn close.

HONNIGFORD:  Why...thanks, Santa.

SANTA CLAUS:  Don't mention it, kid.  Anyway, again, I bid you and you crew
best wishes, Commander.  Well, I still have some...rounds to tend to, so 
I best be off.  It's a good thing I got these warp horseshoes for the
reindeer; otherwise it'll take me seemingly forever...on Dasher, on Dancer, on
Prancer, on Rudolph...

(Santa and his sleigh take off and disappear in a flash of light)

(Back on the _Stingray_, the crew stands in complete surprise)

RAU (to Sylia):  Um, Commander, what are we gonna tell Starfleet?

SYLIA:  Nothing.  Nothing at all.

EPILOGUE:  And it was indeed a surprising holiday for the crew of the
USS Stingray.

THE END

Merry Christmas, everyone!

CLOSING CREDITS:

TRACY SCOGGINS as Lt. Shelia Barnes
JILL ABRAMS as Kimberly Barnes
SANTA CLAUS as Himself

"Honnigford and Timmers" created by EUSUG FREDERICK BYON.  Based on 
"BubbleGum Trek" also created by Fred Byon.  The characters Honnigford
and Timmers are based on the president and vice president of the Purdue
Animation Club, respectively.

"BubbleGum Crisis" and "BubbleGum Crash!" created by SUZUKI TOSHIMISHI.
BGC characterizations by the great KENICHI SONADA.
 
"Star Trek" and "Star Trek: The Next Generation" created by EUGENE WESLEY
RODDENBERRY

"Star Trek" and "Star Trek: The Next Generation" are copyright trademarks
of Paramount Pictures Inc. and I used them without permission, so sue me.

This story is SUPPOSEDLY a work of fiction, and I sincerely doubt that any
of this is going to happen 340 years from now.  Any resemblace of anything
that happened in this story to anything in real life is most like 
coincidental, unless you've been to a Trekkie convention recently.

"Honnigford and Timmers"  Copyright 1993 Byon Productions Ltd.  All lefts,
rights, ups, and down reserved.

