************************************************************

Here it is! The actual script of the season finale. And boy, is it
a cliffhanger!!

This script was taken from an FBI building in Washington DC
at great personal risk. They must have intercepted it 
from somewhere. Now read on....


SPOILERS...

....Fooms
....=====

A *PARODY* by Glenn Wallace (glenn@fedfil.com) Copyright (c) 1994.

[May be distributed without charge. May not be published without author's
consent. All rights reserved. This script is neither endorsed nor
approved by the Federal Bureau of Investigation or Fox Television.
Based on characters created by Chris Carter. The truth is out there.]

v1.0 5/1/94


Prologue (teaser)
--------
EXT DAY. Chicago street

SubTitle: Chicago, Illinois

A Chicago city bus is parked at an odd angle against the curb. Ambulances
and police cruisers surround it, lights flashing. A crowd is being held
back at a safe distance by a police line.

Rescue workers move in and around the bus in HazMat suits. One of them
leaves the bus and moves towards one of the cruisers. He removes his mask
as he approaches a burly, black police officer.


..RESCUE WORKER

.Well, Dan, the total dead now is six.

..OFFICER DAN

.(shocked) What a horrible, horrible way to die.

..RESCUE WORKER

.You think there's a good way to die? (shakes his head)
.Of course, we won't know for certain the cause of death until
.we do the autopsies.

..OFFICER DAN

.I don't need an autopsy to tell me what my eyes can see!
.Any residue or evidence of the gas?

..RESCUE WORKER

.We've collected some atmospheric samples from inside the bus.
.What do we do now?

..OFFICER DAN

.Impound the bus, remove the bodies, and put the cat out.
.I have a phone call to make.

..RESCUE WORKER

.One more thing. We found ... this...


He holds up a brown man's shoe, with a hole worn in the bottom.


..OFFICER DAN (into cellular phone)

.Get me Special Agent Fox Mulder of the FBI.


Dramatic music, ECU on the shoe as we go to...


Stock footage: title sequence
-----------------------------

Act 1
-----
INT DAY. FBI Headquarters, Mulder's Office

SubTitle: FBI Headquarters, Washington DC.

Scully is sitting at Mulder's desk. On the desk in front of her are three 
Big Macs(TM), four subs, two pizzas and some kind of ice cream dessert.

Mulder is preparing a slide projector.


..MULDER

.You know you shouldn't eat so much junk food, Scully.

..SCULLY

.Hey, I'll eat what I want, Mulder. Besides, lately I just
.can't seem to satisfy my appetite.

..MULDER

.Well I guess it could be worse, it could be liver.
.(beat) OK, I've got it.


Mulder turns the lights off. The slide projector comes on
and we see a CU of a dead body. The man has a pained expression
on his face, like at the actual moment of death he was suffering
greatly.


..MULDER

.Chicago, Illinois. Chi-town. The windy city.
.Officer Dan Tullis of the 2nd Precinct called me,
.he's an old friend. We used to go drag racing together
.when we were young foolish teenagers.

..SCULLY

.That's a side of you I never imagined, Mulder.

..MULDER

.Of course we had to give it up after we stopped wearing
.our mother's dresses.


Mulder steps to the next slide, a CU of a dead woman, clutching
her purse.


..SCULLY

.Cause of death? (eats some more food)

..MULDER

.Toxic gas inhalation. Or so it would seem.

..SCULLY

.(pauses eating).Well, surely the city has to deal with
.that. A sewer leak, perhaps? Or maybe a toxic waste truck
.drove by and hit a bump and it leaked out. I think you're
.jumping to conclusions, Mulder. There are other more rational
.explanations.

..MULDER

.(hurt) But I didn't say anything! No, no, this time I
.know it wasn't the Grays. (beat) The autopsy didn't show
.any conclusive evidence of this gas other than a
.slight inflammation of the sinuses. In all six deaths,
.the victims seem to have died an extremely horrible
.death, with is what we deal in here at the X-Files.

..SCULLY

.You think there's a good way to die? (shakes her head)
.So where now?

..MULDER

.Gas up the Taurus, and have them get that smell out.
.I have someone to talk to. (stern look)
.I'll met you at National at 6am. Delta has a 6:50am
.flight to Chicago.

Fade to:


INT NIGHT. Mulder's Apartment

Mulder unscrews the bulb from his desk lamp. From his pocket
he produces a red bulb, which he screws in. He turns the lamp
on and points it at his window. He reaches for another switch
and a light shines on a rotating disco mirror ball, also in the
window.


EXT NIGHT. Mulder's Apartment

We see the red lamp and mirror ball clearly from the street.
You can't miss them.


INT NIGHT. Mulder's Apartment

Mulder lies on the couch, watching reruns of the Mary Tyler-Moore
Show. He falls asleep.

The phone rings, waking him. Dragnet is on TV. As he crosses the floor,
he fails to notice 6 screws, a nail, 2 wing nuts, a vent panel, a light
fitting and a floor board mysteriously lying around.

Mulder picks up the phone.


..PHONE

.Click. Click. Click - click - click.

..MULDER

.No, wait! Was that 2 then 3 or 3 then 2?

..PHONE

.(louder) CLICK. CLICK. CLICK - CLICK - CLICK.

..MULDER

.(writing) OK, I think I got it. 2 then 2,
.right? That means I should kill the President.

..PHONE

.No, you fool. 2, then 3. Meet me at Daingerfield Park!

.(dial tone)


EXT NIGHT. Daingerfield Park

As Mulder walks through the parking lot we see a lot of cars; it looks
like quite a few people are making out.

Mulder sits on a park bench, by the river. Across the river we
can see an array of monuments to dead Presidents.

>From out of the shadows, Deep Throat emerges. He is wearing the
obligatory trench coat.


..MULDER

.It's been a while.

..DEEP THROAT

.Look, sonny, I don't want to hear your problems.


He passes Mulder a plain envelope. Mulder opens it.
Inside we see photos of JFK's corpse, photos of a young
Deep Throat proudly holding a rifle, photos of the same 
young Deep Throat at Red Square in Moscow, photos
of the same young Deep Throat waving from a grassy knoll 
in Dallas.

Mulder raises his eyebrows.


..MULDER

.This isn't the case I'm working on.


Deep Throat looks at the photos, and quickly takes the envelope
back. He produces a different envelope, which Mulder opens.
We see photos of bodies much like Mulder's slides.

..
..MULDER

.These people all died the same way as the ones 
.this week? They're from Chicago too?


Deep Throat nods.


..DEEP THROAT

.This was five years ago. We had to keep it quiet,
.there was an election on and we didn't want it
.to affect the outcome.

..MULDER

.What a horrible way to die.

..DEEP THROAT

.You think there's a nice way to die? Now, as usual,
.you must give me complete anonymity. No one can know
.I am talking to you. My identity must remain a
.total secret.

..MULDER

.Yes, but Dr. Kissinger, there's just one more thing I
.need to know. Will _she_ be there?

..DEEP THROAT

.(heavy Jewish accent) Oy! These kids. (normal voice)
.I should think she's the last of your worries.
.Now I must go.


Deep Throat walks off into the shadows. As he passes a couple
on another park bench, he opens his trench coat and flashes 
them. Luckily, a Fox TV crew (WTTG channel 5) are waiting
and we see a blaze of lights as they fire up their cameras.

Mulder, heading the other direction, sees none of this.

..
Act 2
-----
EXT DAY. The Taurus, in traffic.

ECU of a bumper sticker "I brake for Alien Entities".


INT DAY. The Taurus, in a traffic jam.

SubTitle: Washington National Airport, Washington DC.


Mulder is driving, Scully is looking tired.


..SCULLY

.Gee, it was lucky you happened to be sleeping
.in your car outside my apartment.

..MULDER

.Yes, well I was in the area.

..SCULLY

.We should have taken the Metro. I can't believe
.this traffic. At 6am!

..MULDER

.Well, this is actually a left-over traffic jam
.from yesterday evening's rush hour.


INT DAY. Washington National Airport, Main Terminal.

SubTitle: Main Terminal, Washington National Airport, Washington DC.

Mulder and Scully are walking around, looking quite confused.
Scully approaches an information desk.

..SCULLY

.We're looking for the Delta counter.

..INFORMATION GIRL

.Interim terminal.

..SCULLY

.Oh thanks, I remember it was there the last time
.I was here.


She walks up to Mulder, whispers to him, and they walk away.


..INFORMATION GIRL (to herself)

.Damn FBI agents, couldn't find their asses with
.a funnel.


INT DAY. Washington National Airport, Interim Terminal.

SubTitle: Interim Terminal, Washington National Airport, Washington DC.

Scully is busy feeding her face from an array of junk food, as usual.
Mulder is looking pensive, as usual.


..MULDER

.Say Scully, did you ever see that movie where that
.guy on the spaceship kept eating and eating and then
.this thing burst out of his chest?

..SCULLY

.(through food) Can't talk. Eating.

..MULDER

.Before we board there's one small thing I need to check
.on. I'll be right back.


Mulder walks up to a shoe shine stand. He sits down. The shoe shine
man starts buffing his white sneakers with black Kiwi shoe polish.
The shoe shine man looks a lot like the shoe shine guy from
"Police Squad!".


..MULDER

.It's been a long time.

..SHOE SHINE MAN

.Listen kid, I don't care about your problems.
.Now, you come to me for information.


Mulder passes him a 20.


..MULDER

.OK, what have you got on the deaths in Chicago?


Mulder gets out his note pad and prepares to write.


..SHOE SHINE MAN

.Sure. There have been quite a few cases like this
.over the years in Chicago. Some very odd places,
.people just collapse, then lapse into a deep coma
.and die for no apparent reason.

.Now I'll tell you something else, there's a link
.between these deaths and the Green River killings
.a few years back. Do you remember the name of the
.guy that did those?

.Now, Groom Lake is actually a base for secret
.UFO testing. The government has a joint R&D
.project going with the aliens. They provide 
.us with the technology, and we provide them
.with supplies of strawberry ice cream.

.Also, JFK was murdered because of his secret 
.connections with the Russian Mafia. If you check
.with a Miss Henny F-f-f-f-farmer in Pasadena, she
.will give you the evidence you need to start
.a congressional inquiry.

.You got all that?

..MULDER

.(reading back) "...some very odd places,
.people just collapse..." What was after that?


INT DAY. Office, Cook County Morgue, Illinois

SubTitle: Cook County Morgue, Illinois

Scully, seated, is eating from a nose-bag. Mulder and Officer Dan are
looking at photos.


..OFFICER DAN

.These latest deaths occurred at the New Market Mall.

..MULDER

.Gruesome. Scully, want to start the autopsy?


Scully nods, and removes her nose bag.


..SCULLY

.Let's get the body of the most recently deceased.


Mulder opens a body drawer. It is Richard Nixon. He closes it.
Mulder opens the next drawer.


..MULDER

.OK, this is Rosemary Friendly. Age 47. Time of death,
.around 1pm today. Can we get someone to move her to the
.autopsy room?


We move to...


INT DAY. Autopsy Room, Cook County Morgue, Illinois


Scully is performing the autopsy, burger in one hand, scalpel in
the other. Officer Dan and Mulder watch, both looking quite green.


..SCULLY (into mic)

....weight of liver 6 pounds. Boy, did Eugene miss out
.on a good un' here. No abnormal lung tissue. Minor
.lesions on esophagus. Gross inflammation of sinus tissue.
.Yep, looks like the same thing, all right.

..MULDER

.Any clues as to the actual cause?

..SCULLY
.
.Looks like the inflamed tissue blocked airways sufficiently
.to cause near instant suffocation.

..OFFICER DAN

.What a horrible way to die.

..MULDER and SCULLY (together)

.There's no nice way to die!

..OFFICER DAN

.Oh yeah, we found another shoe at the scene.
.Same cheap type as the first one, same wear pattern.


ECU on the shoe. As we .... go to a soap powder commercial.


Act 3
-----

INT DAY. Office, Cook County Morgue, Illinois

Mulder and Scully are sitting down, reviewing some medical reports.
Scully is drinking a milkshake, using three straws.


..MULDER

.You know, you should watch your weight. People
.will start to notice it.

..SCULLY

.I just can't explain this hunger.

..MULDER

.(screams) Chest burster!! haha!


Scully chokes..


..MULDER

.Hey, just kidding.


Scully continues to choke.


..MULDER

.Look, sorry I scared you. You can stop now.


Scully goes pale.


..MULDER

.Oh-my-God!!!


Scully hurls her cookies, all over the floor. Luckily we are spared
any view of this.


INT DAY. Cook County Medical Examiner's Lab

Scully is hooked up to an ultrasound machine. Mulder has turned slightly
maniacal, operating controls, zooming in and out on the screen.
He's in paranoid mad scientist mode.


..MULDER

.Well, it looks definitely like....

..SCULLY

.What, Mulder, what?

..MULDER

....there is something growing inside of you.

..SCULLY

.No.

..MULDER

.Yes. I'm afraid you're.... pregnant.

..SCULLY

.(incredulous) But how?!

..MULDER

.There have been many cases reported like this,
.dating back to Biblical times. More recently
.some lesbians have reported going to parties,
.getting drunk, and waking up pregnant.
.This is your basic Immaculate Conception.
.Also, UFO abductees have made similar reports
.under hypnosis

..SCULLY

.I don't believe you.

..MULDER

.You and Phil Klass. You don't believe me or you
.don't _want_ to.believe?

..SCULLY

.(still shocked) You know what this means?

..MULDER

.I'll be getting a new partner, that's for sure.
.

INT NIGHT. Hotel Room

Mulder is watching the Home Shopping Channel. We hear a knock
on the door.

Mulder opens to the door. Standing before him is a very anonymous
looking man. He is of average build, height, complexion and dress.
Actually, he's _wearing_ an average looking dress.

Mulder lets him in and closes the door.

..MAN

.Fox Mulder. At last we meet.

..MULDER

.Who are you? How did you know I was here?

..MAN

.You can call me "Deeper Throat". I've been 
.watching you for a long time.

..MULDER

.How long?

..MAN

.Remember when you were at the baseball game looking for
.that murderer? I was the guy sitting behind you.
.
.When you were chasing the computer killer? I was the guy
.crossing the street as you walked into the office building.

.When you were on the Indian reservation? I was the elder
.you spoke to.

.(quickens pace)

.When you were in the Washington forest? I was a small furry
.animal up a tree. When you were in Alaska? I was the dog.
.When you were chasing the EBE body? I was the hooker you
.tried to solicit in Atlanta.

.When ---

..MULDER

.I get the picture. You've been watching me for a long time.
.Why are you here?

..MAN

.To put you on the right track of course.

..MULDER

.And what track might that be?

..MAN

.Don't you want to find the cause of this? Who is behind it?

..MULDER

.Why are you doing this?

..MAN

.Guilt. A sense of fair play, righting wrongs. Bringing
.the _truth_ to light.

..MULDER

.I understand.

..MAN

.9764 Jeopardy Lane.


EXT NIGHT. Outside the house.

Mulder is at the front door of the house. It has an orange door
and the number beside the door reads "9764".

Mulder counts to himself...


..MULDER (under his breath)

.1..2....3!


Mulder kicks the door in, gun in hand. In the squalid living room he
sees a man sitting on a couch watching TV. His hair is thinning and he
has one hand in his pants.

He once played high school football. (4 touchdowns in one game.)

His bare feet are on the coffee table. Mulder goes down in the
doorway.... gasping.


..PEGGY BUNDY (VO from upstairs)

.Al! Have you got your shoes off again?

..MULDER (to himself)

.(fading fast) What a horrible way to <gasp> die....


Fade out.

Stock footage: end titles

- END -

-----------------+-------------------------------------------------------------
Glenn Wallace    | Don't turn your back on the world. Turning your back is what
glenn@fedfil.com | happens when you're busy looking the other way. 
fedfile@digex.net|                                     - Ron Nasty (the Rutles)

