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           C  H  I  P  ' S    C  L  O  S  E  T     C  L  E  A  N  E  R

               Humor  *  Trivia  *  Pop Culture  *  Fun
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                               Z I N E   R E V I E W S, P A R T  I I

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            All contents (c) copyright Chip Rowe or individual authors.
            E-mail: chip@playboy.com (faster) or chiprowe@reach.com

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            CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER NO. 11 NOW AVAILABLE!

            The latest issue of CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER -- 28 pages of 
            humor, trivia, pop culture and fun -- is now available for 
            $3 plus $1 postage from Chip Rowe, 175 North Harbor Dr.,
            Chicago, IL 60601-7358. 

                       Unseen Spinal Tap! 
                          Zine and Book Reviews 
                               Why I Love Swear Words
                                   My Girlfriend Wears My Favorite T-Shirts 
                                           Catalog from Hell
                                                 50 Ways To Say You Masturbate 
                                                       and Much More!

         ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

                CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER NO. 10 NOW AVAILABLE!
                          
                   Normal People Who Collect Odd Stuff
                         Dentists on Film
                               Weekly World News Index
                                   World's Largest Musical Fountain
                                             TV Mantras
                                                   Zine Reviews
                                                          Walter Cronkite's Favorite Color 
                                                                  $2 plus $1 postage

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                   MAIL-ORDER MINISTRY 
                   That's Reverend Chip to you, sinner, and I've 
                   got the papers to prove it. Write the Universal 
                   Life Church and they'll gladly send back a 
                   framable certificate and a wallet ID card 
                   certifying that you are a legally ordained 
                   minister in the church. It seems that in many 
                   states (including Alabama, California, Arizona 
                   and North Carolina) you only need a document 
                   from a recognized church that says you are an 
                   ordained minister to actually be one (and why 
                   not? I mean, what are the qualifications to be 
                   a minister, anyway? Good karma?). The Universal 
                   Life Church, led by founder Kirby J. Hensley, 
                   D.D., has fought numerous court battles to 
                   establish itself as a legal church with both 
                   the federal and many state governments, and 
                   since John 15:16 says Jesus has already ordained 
                   all of us, the ULC sees their certification 
                   process as simply a legal formality. 

                   "The 'state' claims you need a written document 
                   that states you are an ordained Minister," 
                   explains Rev. Kirby, 81, who founded the church 
                   35 years ago. "We have given you this document." 

                   When you send in your request, the church puts 
                   your name into their database, which ordains you, 
                   and you're then free to perform baptisms, weddings, 
                   funerals, and church services. It's all explained 
                   in the guidebook that comes with your certification. 
                   The booklet also explains the church's philosophy --
                   which is that if you accept the church's philosophy, 
                   you're free to accept or reject the church's 
                   philosophy. "We believe," Rev. Kirby states, "only 
                   in that which is right, and everyone has the 
                   right to determine what is right for themselves." 
                   Hell, I can live with that! (The church trinity 
                   is Freedom, Food and Sexuality.) 

                   The Rev. Kirby, who says he has ordained 
                   such celebrities as the Beatles, George Burns, 
                   Wolfman Jack, Betty Ford, Merle Haggard and 
                   Lawrence Welk, explains that a minister 
                   should be "compassionate, loving and 
                   trustworthy." He adds however, that "ministers 
                   are entitled to many discounts" and for 
                   three bucks the church will send you a 
                   window shield for your car so you can get 
                   better parking spots at nursing homes and 
                   prisons. Or better yet: For another three bucks, 
                   you can get an "Affirmation of Love" certificate 
                   for couples living together. Makes a great 
                   housewarming gift! [Send your name and address 
                   to Minister Credentials, Universal Life Church, 
                   601 Third St., Modesto, CA 95351 and state that 
                   you would like to become an ordained minister 
                   of the church. Credentials are free, but you 
                   might throw in a buck or two for postage.] 


                   MEANWHILE... 
                   [$1/issue from 55 North Third St., #41, 
                   Philadelphia, PA 19106]

                   A quarterly humor sheet that recently 
                   offered a list of passwords you shouldn't use 
                   on your computer (e.g. Brando, Goethe, Madonna, 
                   Beatles, Hitler, Kirk, Godzilla, LAlaw, Scud) 
                   because they're so easily broken by hackers, a 
                   list of products that begin with the prefix "Mr."
                   and reviews of new products like the Remington 
                   Bug Sucker, Hi-C Ecto Cooler drinks and Ralston 
                   Purina's Bill & Ted's Excellent Cereal (Ummmm!). 


                   MURDER CAN BE FUN 
                   [$1.25 from Box 640111, San Francisco, CA 94109].

                   Proprietor Johnny Marr has a knack for writing 
                   about the B-side of popular culture. He's 
                   done 13 issues so far, with lots of articles 
                   about natural disasters and killers who had
                   some particularly garish M.O. My fave is the 
                   cover story of No. 13, "Death at Disneyland."  
                   Marr spent hours searching through years of 
                   newspapers to find details of all the people 
                   who have been killed in accidents at the park. 
                   You know, people falling off Space Mountain, 
                   people drowning the Adventureland moat, a young 
                   worker crushed in the twirling "America Sings" 
                   exhibit. Marr also reviews dopey but fun books, 
                   mainly guilt-laden teen novels and obscure
                   detective stories. In 1987 he spent an entire 
                   issue giving the compare/contrast treatment to 
                   a dozen teen advice books that were popular when 
                   the Brady Bunch was still in primetime. You know, 
                   the "Hi There, High School!" paperbacks that no 
                   one ever checked out of the school library, 
                   let alone read. Johnny does it for you. 


                   NUDE OFFICE WORKERS
                   [POB 4122, Des Moines, IA 50333]

                   NOW claims to match nudist workers with nudist 
                   employers. It's not clear whether you actually 
                   work nude, but the Wild Forest Blackberry teabag 
                   they sent along with the info pack was a nice 
                   touch. 


                   OATMEAL 
                   [two stamps from 40 Moss Ave., #204, Oakland, 
                   CA 94610]
                   
                   Tim Ereneta presents his new life in Oakland in 
                   comic book format. Thoroughly enjoyable. 


                   PARANOIA
                   [$3 from POB 3570, Cranston, RI 02910]

                   Edited by computer consultant Al Hidell and
                   bookstore owner Joan D'Arc (the names are
                   pseudonyms; Al Hidell was the name Lee Harvey
                   Oswald used to purchase his rifle), this zine 
                   includes hip discussions of conspiracy-related
                   info. Besides the usual cast of characters
                   (JFK, Malcolm X, fluoride), the first issue
                   looks at shortwave frequencies on which
                   mysterious foreign speakers read lists of
                   (presumably coded) numbers; reviews a video
                   that claims to prove that JFK's driver blew
                   him away (the zine's staff splits its endorse-
                   ment of the theory 3-3); and notes that Time
                   was besieged by callers after the "Man of the 
                   Year" issue because covering the T, I and E in
                   TIME left cover boy Bill Clinton with horns.
                   Which all goes to show: the more you know, the
                   more confused you become.


                   THE PICARDIAN
                   [$1 from 1008 S. Parker Dr., Evansville, 
                   IN 47714]

                   Marilyn Wilkerson, a reference librarian in 
                   Indiana, puts out this corny but lovable 
                   newsletter filled with homages, poetry, 
                   cartoons, sightings, fiction and performance 
                   reviews for female groupies of Patrick 
                   Stewart, who plays Capt. Jean-Luc Picard 
                   on "Star Trek: The Next Generation." We 
                   learn that as Picard, Stewart has three 
                   defining gestures: the Cranial Caress, the 
                   Picard Maneuver (tugging down on his tunic) 
                   and the Enigmatic Gesture (downward hand 
                   motion to emphasize "Engage" command). Also, 
                   that at a 1992 Halloween appearance, Stewart 
                   wore old jeans, a white dress shirt with a 
                   dark vertical stripe, an unbuttoned sleeve-
                   less sweater vest and tennis shoes. (He 
                   also made well over a dozen Cranial Caresses.) 
                   At the same appearance, Stewart said he 
                   didn't know why he hasn't won an Emmy, but 
                   to hell with them [applause]. And remember 
                   not to ask Stewart why he changed Kirk; that's 
                   a major fan faux pas. 
                   

                   PILLS-A-GO-GO
                   [$1 from 1202 E. Pike St., #849, Seattle 98122]

                   This zine about pharmaceutical drugs is 
                   fascinating and funny if only because you 
                   never realized there was so much to know 
                   about them, what drugs cure what, why the FDA 
                   bans some and not others, etc. Not just for 
                   the addicted. 


                   THE REALIST
                   [$2 from POB 1230, Venice, CA 90294]
                                                       
                   Editor Paul Krassner is a bit of a curmudgeon 
                   and an unabashed liberal; his newsletter is 
                   always a great read. Mostly it's satire and 
                   pranks, but the beauty of it is that you have 
                   to read very carefully to determine what's 
                   true and what's not. Paul's "MediaFreak" column, 
                   in which he pulls unusual, ironic or outrageous 
                   items from the news, is the first thing I read, 
                   looking for my name. 


                   ROUND HOUSE COMICS/FASCINATION  

                   RHC celebrates the heftier beauties of the 
                   world, a welcome respite, really, from our 
                   obsession with those waifer-thin mints they 
                   call models these days. For two bucks, Victor 
                   Gates will send you a reprint of the first 
                   four of his mini-comics, which center on the 
                   ample Maxine Geeperton and her husband John, 
                   proprietors of the Big Women On Campus sorority. 
                   When they're not busy recruiting new Fat 
                   Admirers, they're addressing the forbidden 
                   romance of a young black stud and one of their 
                   beefy sisters. [552 Lancelot Dr., North Salt Lake, 
                   Utah 84054]. If fat women are too much for you, 
                   there's also folks who like females with less. 
                   Amputees, that is. Fascination offers stories 
                   and artwork about sexy heroines who have lost 
                   an arm or leg -- sort of the Harlequin Romance 
                   set for gimps. There are also drawings -- those 
                   department store newspaper ad females with an 
                   arm or leg etched out and replaced with carefully 
                   drawn stumps. But who are we to judge? Can you 
                   imagine the feeling you'd have if you found 
                   yourself attracted to women without limbs and 
                   suddenly came across a magazine devoted to the 
                   subject? It'd be very emotional. I think these 
                   folks deserve a hand. [$2 from 3949 W. Irving 
                   Park Road, Chicago 60618]


                   SAPROPHILE 
                   [$1.50 from 714 E. Johnson, #2, Madison, 
                   WI 53703]

                   If you like Murder Can Be Fun, you'll enjoy 
                   Saprophile. In his second issue, Eric Landmark 
                   takes a look at the making of the A-bomb, how 
                   superhighways came about (Hitler invented 
                   them!), how brevity can make a joke more funny, 
                   and the drastic changes to popular culture that 
                   occurred during 1963. It saves you a lot of 
                   reading if you're interested in bombs, super-
                   highways, brevity or 1963, and even if you're 
                   not, it's still interesting. 


                   SLUBBERDEGULLION 
                   [$1 from 9 Windsor Green, East Garforth, 
                   Leeds LS25 2LG England]

                   This is the first British zine I've ever 
                   reviewed, but Nigel Richardson's essays are 
                   well worth the extra postage to request a 
                   copy. Nigel lives in Leeds, where I taught 
                   at a basketball camp once, so I know how it 
                   feels. He has a few zine reviews and letters 
                   here, but the soul of Slubberdegullion 
                   (defined by one reference as "a nasty, paltry 
                   fellow") are Nigel's thoughts on everything 
                   from his job as a computer programmer to a 
                   girl he knows who used to be a heavy-metal 
                   slut. He writes: 

                        These days I come home from work 
                        and no longer feel the urge to do 
                        something creative to redeem the 
                        stolen day. When life seemed really 
                        shitty I would sit in front of my 
                        computer desperate to write something
                        -- anything -- that might help make 
                        sense of my situation, and I would 
                        feel a terrible sense of defeat 
                        when I finally fell asleep, as I was 
                        being robbed of another day, 
                        surrendering another irreclaimable 
                        slice of my life. Now it's no big 
                        deal.

                   Wish I could get there, Nigel. He also notes: 

                        I'm surprised never to have seen this 
                        in print before -- that the worse paid 
                        a person is the more expensive it would 
                        be to replace them with a machine. Take 
                        an office cleaner. How much would it 
                        cost to develop a machine that could 
                        move around an entire office block, 
                        scrubbing, polishing and hoovering all 
                        the appropriate surfaces, cleaning desks 
                        and putting all the papers and clutter 
                        back where it was afterwards, replacing 
                        toilet rolls, filling soap dispensers, 
                        unblocking urinals, etc., etc. More 
                        than 2.5 pounds an hour, or whatever 
                        office cleaners get paid. And inversely, 
                        most of the guys you find at board 
                        level could be replaced by second-hand 
                        computers. 


                   SUPER DUM DUM 
                   You won't find Super Dum Dum in any store. He 
                   lives inside my heart. We used to have some 
                   great times together, decapitating bad guys 
                   with the red crayon, and when I came across 
                   my drawings and stories the other day in my 
                   closet, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of 
                   well-being knowing that he was there all these 
                   years, gathering dust, cursing me for leaving 
                   him behind. I did three issues of "Super Dum 
                   Dum and Other Stoires" [sic], one of those 
                   elementary school projects that always had a 
                   readership of one (three if you counted your 
                   parents looking at the cover and patting you 
                   on the head). In the first issue, to attract 
                   subscribers, I tossed in three bonus Super Dum 
                   Dum games ("Track Down the Crooks," where you 
                   "go after the crooks by following their tracks 
                   in the snow"; "Penny Drop," in which you 
                   dropped pennies onto dots and advanced six 
                   spaces if you hit one and three if you didn't; 
                   and "Ring Around the Dum Dum," in which everyone 
                   makes a circle holding hands around the first 
                   player, who then tries to bust out by force). 
                   Of course, the villains make or break any hero, 
                   and Dum Dum made quick work of flunkies like 
                   Mugger Mike and Rob Robber. His archenemy was 
                   Mr. Fly, who eventually got flushed down the 
                   toilet, but he also took on the Hot Hotwheel 
                   (stuck in a freezer), Mr. Mad (caught in a net 
                   with his evil robot), Dopey Dog, Mr. Ping Pong 
                   Ball, the Litterman and the Spanker. Super Dum 
                   Dum lives!


                   TABLOID TATTLER
                   [$1 from POB 875231, Los Angeles 90087]

                   Sondra Lowell is the "Tabloid Tattler" for a 
                   Los Angeles radio station and compiles this 
                   weekly two-page guide to stories that have
                   appeared in supermarket tabloids such as the 
                   National Enquirer and the Weekly World News. 
                   She reads all the tabloids each week and even 
                   investigates some of the stories to see if 
                   they really happened. I loved her recent list 
                   of "people who are still alive," including Adolf 
                   Hitler (spotted in Peru), Jack Ruby (Argentina), 
                   Marilyn Monroe (Australia), James Dean (Brazil), 
                   and King Tut, whose heart was discovered to STILL 
                   BE BEATING. 


                   TEENAGE GANG DEBS
                   [$2.50/issue, 5812 Midhill St., Bethesda, MD 20817]

                   This newsletter is produced by siblings 
                   Don and Erin Smith and chronicles the best
                   of 1970s sitcom TV. That includes, naturally, 
                   tons o' material on that lovable Brady Bunch 
                   and the Partridge Family, but unfortunately 
                   lacks any insightful analysis of the Six Million 
                   Dollar Man. The in-depth psychoanalysis of 
                   Jan Brady in a recent issue was a classic 
                   along with the filmography of Cousin Oliver, 
                   that pesky mop top who appeared in the last 
                   six Brady episodes. There are also crosswords 
                   and drawings reproduced from vintage coloring 
                   books.


                   THRIFT SCORE 
                   [$2 from POB 90282, Pittsburgh, PA 15224]. 

                   Once in a while a zine comes along that hits the 
                   target so cleanly we must stand in awe. Such is 
                   Thrift Score, a magazine for people who like 
                   to find treasures at thrift stores. The 
                   publication is "not about tightwadding or 
                   economizing," writes editor Al, but simply for 
                   those "who shop in thrifts for the never-ending 
                   quest for cool stuff you don't really need -- in 
                   other words, The Score." I've only been to a few 
                   thrift stores with my friend Laura, who has 
                   decorated her apartment very tastefully for 
                   less than the price of a grilled cheese sandwich, 
                   but I used to love to bargain with the old 
                   ladies at the Labor Day flea market when I was 
                   a kid. The cover of Thrift Score No. 1 says it 
                   all: "It's a Purse! It's a Phone!" It's a Purse 
                   *and* a Phone. Inside, Al quizzes her readers on 
                   topics such as the weirdest things they've ever 
                   bought (a bald doll with no butt or legs, apple-
                   headed girl salt and pepper shakers, a pink 
                   plastic bank with a nude baby in graduation garb 
                   holding a Diaper U. pennant).


                   VOICES FROM SPIRIT
                   [$1 from POB 5104, Ellsworth, ME 04605]

                   A zine that includes interviews channeled with 
                   the spirits of dead folks. This issue: Phillis 
                   Wheatly, America's first black poet, who reveals 
                   that in the Spirit World, she is a "guide" for 
                   several young writers still with us (sort of a 
                   spiritual thesaurus, I guess). Also, she explains, 
                   "I enjoy my relationship with the gentleman whose 
                   company I keep." Relationships in heaven? That 
                   sounds more like hell. A past issue included a
                   Q & A with Merlin, friend of King Arthur, and 
                   an upcoming one welcomes the 18th-century mystic, 
                   Saint-Germain. 


                   XYY 
                   [$3.50 from 82 Kimball Ave., Yonkers, 
                   NY 10704]

                   John Kelly bills his funny and entertaining 
                   magazine as "thrill-packed tales of genetic 
                   defectives!" Among the tidbits: an interview 
                   with Bud Adams, the 90-year-old owner of 
                   S.S. Adams Co., the "world's largest 
                   manufacturer of practical jokes and magic 
                   tricks since 1906." Among other trivia, Bud 
                   recalls how he stopped making itching 
                   powder after it sent some people to the hospital 
                   and how his father turned down a chance to 
                   market whoopee cushions. There's also a 
                   recollection by a former member of Jerry 
                   Lewis' staff about how moody and cruel 
                   Lewis was; a visit to the Billy Graham 
                   Museum in Wheaton, Illinois; a clever bit 
                   where someone wrote in different dialogue 
                   for Dave Berg's inane "The Lighter Side of..." 
                   strips from Mad; and ten little-known facts 
                   about Joseph Stalin. My favorite: Although 
                   a bloodthirsty tyrant, the Russian dictator 
                   was only 5-foot-4! There's also a review of 
                   the strange autobiography of Chuck ("The Gong 
                   Show") Barris, "Confessions of a Dangerous 
                   Mind," which was spooky in that the day 
                   before I read the review, I had just bought 
                   a copy in a used book store.


                   ZEN MYSTIC
                   [RR1, Box 82, Waynesville, MO 65583]

                   I sent a buck to John Senovich to get his 
                   "Virgin International Contact Zine" (which 
                   derides people who've had sex as "virgaphobics") 
                   and got so much more. John sent an envelope 
                   stuffed with random junk that included three 
                   of his zines: VICZ (which never went beyond
                   No. 1), Zen Mystic and Scarlet Morgue. Each 
                   contains hand-written movie reviews and comics 
                   and comes off as haphazard as the stuff he sent 
                   with them: a tiny comic book about the 
                   superhero "Bolt"; a few ads from porn shops;
                   a letter he was sent by a friend who wrote her 
                   expletives in capital letters; a membership card 
                   from the Bestway Laundry & Video (still good); 
                   a Burger King bag and Subway Sandwich napkin; 
                   a film negative strip; a pamphlet for the Buena 
                   Vista Exotic Animal Paradise; a Virgin Mary 
                   bookmark; and a blue plastic record by Count 
                   Zee. John also promised to send more "neat stuff" 
                   if I sent another buck or two. Take a chance.

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