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           C  H  I  P  ' S    C  L  O  S  E  T     C  L  E  A  N  E  R

               Humor  *  Trivia  *  Pop Culture  *  Fun
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                               Z I N E   R E V I E W S, P A R T  I

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            All contents (c) copyright Chip Rowe or individual authors.
            E-mail: chip@playboy.com (faster) or chiprowe@reach.com

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            CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER NO. 11 NOW AVAILABLE!

            The latest issue of CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER -- 28 pages of 
            humor, trivia, pop culture and fun -- is now available for 
            $3 plus $1 postage from Chip Rowe, 175 North Harbor Dr.,
            Chicago, IL 60601-7358.  

                       Unseen Spinal Tap! 
                          Zine and Book Reviews 
                               Why I Love Swear Words
                                   My Girlfriend Wears My Favorite T-Shirts 
                                           Catalog from Hell
                                                 50 Ways To Say You Masturbate 
                                                       and Much More!

         ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

                CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER NO. 10 NOW AVAILABLE!
                          
                   Normal People Who Collect Odd Stuff
                         Dentists on Film
                               Weekly World News Index
                                   World's Largest Musical Fountain
                                             TV Mantras
                                                   Zine Reviews
                                                          Walter Cronkite's Favorite Color 
                                                                  $2 plus $1 postage

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                   ARE TRAFFIC LAWS REALLY NECESSARY? 
                   [POB 15133, Honolulu, HI 96830]

                   Clarence Shak is a former instructor in 
                   mathematics at the University of Hawaii. 
                   It's former because now Clarence spends his 
                   time lobbying for an end to all traffic laws 
                   except reckless driving. For a stamped, self-
                   addressed envelope, he'll gladly send you 
                   a copy of his thoughts on the subject. His 
                   argument is a bit hard to follow, something 
                   about how getting traffic tickets deprives 
                   us of our Constitutional right to the pursuit 
                   of happiness. He spends a lot of time analyzing 
                   the fine print on a ticket he got that had 
                   "Notice to Appear" on top of it. Clarence 
                   was miffed because the ticket is actually only 
                   notice that the officer will file a complaint 
                   if you don't pay the fine by the indicated 
                   date. So you're being asked to pay off the 
                   court not to take action against you! If 
                   they'd just synchronize the traffic lights 
                   in this part of the country, I'd be happy. 


                   AUTOGRAPH RESEARCH 
                   [$2/issue, 1158-A Waring St., Seaside, CA 93955]

                   The insider's guide to autograph hunting, 
                   with notes on how long celebrities take 
                   to respond to your mail requests and what 
                   goodies they send if they do. Also how they 
                   behave if approached in public (which could 
                   save you a broken jaw). My favorite part is 
                   the section that charts how much a celebrity's 
                   John Hancock jumps in value after they kick 
                   the bucket. For instance, a Betty Davis went 
                   from $25 to $200 after she croaked, and Sammy 
                   Davis Jr. zoomed from $5 to $30. 


                   BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED 
                   [$2 from 130 West Limestone St., Yellow 
                   Springs, OH 45387]

                   I'm not a subscriber to this one, mom, but the 
                   issues editor Richard Freeman sent me were 
                   fascinating nonetheless. BNI reviews and 
                   celebrates porn films, but looks at them as 
                   healthy diversions rather than "dirty." It's also 
                   very funny. My favorite article was "Schmeckel 
                   Moves to California," about this guy who had 
                   appeared in some adult films in the '70s and 
                   then moved on with his life. Well, one day his 
                   cousin Marvin, a lawyer in Washington, skipped 
                   work to treat himself to a showing of "The Candy 
                   Stripers." And there was his cousin Richard getting 
                   a blow job in a closet! I mean, holy shit! So Marvin 
                   drove home, got his wife, dragged her to the movie 
                   to confirm what he had seen. She did. Word got 
                   back to Richard, who immediately called his 
                   mother (better she hear it from him) and told 
                   her he had done a couple of X-rated videos a 
                   while back and that Cousin Marvin had seen one 
                   of them. Her response? "He goes to see those 
                   movies?" After Richard explained further, she 
                   added: "You know what I think?" "What?" he 
                   asked. "Pllllbbbbbbb!" she said. His mom gave 
                   him the raspberry! I can only pray my mother 
                   will have the same reaction. 


                   BETTY HENLEY'S THE LIGHTER SIDE 
                   [4514 19th Street Court East, Box 25600, 
                   Bradenton, FL 34206]

                   Where else can you order an Elvis collage 
                   T-shirt, Coca-Cola Insulated Beverage Wear, a 
                   spring jacket with pictures of cats or horses all 
                   over it, a "Play the Piano Overnight" instruction 
                   booklet, Playboy beach towels, Three Stooges boxer 
                   shorts, a green baseball cap that plays "When 
                   Irish Eyes are Smiling," an "entertaining collec-
                   tion of train videos," fast food earrings (a 
                   miniature soda and slice of pizza) or cow car 
                   floor mats (one-half the cow on each)? Why from 
                   Betty, of course! 


                   CYBORGASM
                   [$20 from Algorithm, 2325 3rd St., San Francisco 94107]

                   This is a novelty compact disc I was sent by 
                   the people who do the magazine Future Sex. Its 
                   16 tracks include favorites such as Circus Whore, 
                   Absolute Sadist and Deep Inside Your Cosmic Body. 
                   Some of it is beat poetry, some of it is sexual 
                   fantasies read aloud (with appropriate sound 
                   effects), and a few are just the wheezy noises 
                   of lovemaking. It was recorded in this new 
                   technique called virtual audio, where they can 
                   not only make something stereo (i.e. you can 
                   hear it in both or one ear when listening on 
                   headphones), but they can also make the sound 
                   come from behind, above, in front of you. For 
                   instance, during Absolute Sadist, the whip first 
                   cracks in one of your ears, then the other, then 
                   the dominatreaux walks around behind on this wood 
                   floor with those high heels and...yipes. In another 
                   track, a woman with an incredibly sexy voice is 
                   breathing in your ear, and the headphones shake 
                   like she's really....oooh, oooh, let's move on... 
                   Comes with a fluorescent condom. 


                   DISHWASHER 
                   [$1 from POB 4827, Arcata, CA 95521]

                   Pete Jordan has a mission: Wash dishes 
                   in all 50 states. Issue #7 finds Pete at a 
                   cafe in Boulder, Colorado, #8 at an Alaskan 
                   fish cannery, #9 at a seafood restaurant 
                   in New Hampshire, #10 is a special comics 
                   issue, and #11 at restaurants in Montana, 
                   California and Ohio. Pete has a good attitude 
                   about his job, and a sense of humor. "Why is 
                   there this assumption that dishwashers are 
                   the bottom rung of some sort of career-climbing 
                   ladder?" he asks. Among the articles is a list 
                   of the food he ate during one shift: two bagels 
                   with cream cheese, bowl of cereal, bowl of 
                   fruit, banana, two muffins, strawberry pan-
                   cakes, cheesecake, two sundaes, swiss and 
                   tomato sandwich, french fries and five glasses 
                   of juice or milk. And things he does for fun 
                   on the job: toss lemon slices into the 
                   garbage disposal, ignore the waitress that 
                   the male customers fawn over, snack on 
                   uneaten food, jump and touch the ceiling, 
                   float plates on the sink water, use the 
                   spray hose to spin metal mixing bowls, play 
                   dominoes, read the newspaper in the john. 
                   After reading Pete's adventures, I'm more 
                   convinced than ever that a clean plate is 
                   like a clean soul -- you can see yourself 
                   in it.


                   ECDYSIS
                   [$1 from 2457 W. Cullom, Chicago, IL 60618]

                   The first issue of "Matt Wolka's Journal of 
                   Domestic Life." You've no doubt seen Matt's 
                   essays in the Closet Cleaner. He tells an 
                   interesting story on how he got his piano up 
                   three flights of stairs into a new apartment. 
                   Of course, the irrepressible and cuddly Mary Kay 
                   contributes by reviewing a few movies with her 
                   ingenious "fell asleep/didn't fall asleep" system. 
                   What Matt doesn't mention, however, is that the 
                   reason he has a "domestic life" is that he's an 
                   unemployed, ex-military, bohemian geek freeloading 
                   off an innocent, naive Midwestern Catholic girl 
                   by whispering sweet nothings into her ear and 
                   assuring her everything will be okay! Well, we say....
                   RUN, Mary Kay! 


                   8-TRACK MIND
                   [$2 from POB 90, East Detroit, MI 48021]

                   A zine for people who collect 8-track tapes. 
                   The first car I ever owned had eight-track, 
                   and after I sold it to my sister for $100, 
                   someone broke in and stole the player (the 
                   driver's side window also fell through the 
                   door one morning. Let the buyer beware). This 
                   zine is interesting largely because of the 
                   back-and-forth discussions about whether 
                   8-tracks are a hobby or a lifestyle, which 
                   tapes are the rarest ("Never Mind the Bullocks" 
                   recently sold for $100) and letters from 
                   readers happy to have found that others share 
                   their love of outdated musical formats. 


                   ELEVENTH PIN
                   ($1/2623 Ashton Lane, Dayton, OH 45420)

                   A newsletter filled solely with photos of a
                   bowling pin in front of various settings, 
                   including a dying tree, a locomotive, a 
                   funeral home, a power plant, a Big Boy 
                   restaurant and a missile silo. 
                   

                   ENTERTAINMENT RESEARCH REPORT 
                   [POB 810608, Boca Raton, FL 33481]

                   This newsletter is published by a Florida
                   right-winger who reviews films strictly on 
                   their sex and violence content, however subtle. 
                   It's meant to be a "parents guide," but 
                   deviants will find it useful as well. The 
                   editor first presents a capsule summary 
                   (Pinocchio: "The tale of a puppet brought 
                   to life by a magical Fairy") and then analyzes 
                   the film's language, adult situations, violence 
                   and social deviances (e.g. drug use). Few 
                   parents probably realize that Disney's 
                   animated classic contains three slang uses of 
                   "jackass"; male nudity ("Cuckoo clock chimes 
                   the hour by having the statue of a mother 
                   spanking the bare bottom of a boy"); violence
                   (numerous examples involving implied death, 
                   physical battering, incidents with fright/
                   anticipation, violence against animals and 
                   property damage); and tobacco use and 
                   examples of dishonesty. In ERR's review of 
                   Eddie Murphy's "Boomerang," the editor goes 
                   so far as to categorize the 17 utterings of
                   fuck into "expletive" [12] and "references to 
                   love-making" [5] categories -- in case you're 
                   one of those people who distinguishes "Fuck you" 
                   from "Let's fuck." 


                   EYE 
                   [$4 from Box 303, New York, NY 10009] 

                   Some far-out stuff here, and most of it enjoyable. 
                   Issue No. 2 has an article about microchips and 
                   how some day we may be able to have them implanted 
                   somewhere (your palm, maybe) with all our personal 
                   info. Upside: If you're grocery shopping, you just 
                   pass your hand over the scanner and the total due 
                   is automatically deducted from your account. 
                   Downside: The government could record all your 
                   darkest secrets with the same method. My question: 
                   Would muggers be able to steal from you by 
                   shaking your hand? Would we become less friendly 
                   as a result? Eye No. 2 also includes an article 
                   on triangles, as well as one about those STP 
                   stickers that you saw everywhere when you were a 
                   kid. Issue No. 3 has an article on Germans using 
                   corpses as crash test dummies (who cares?), more 
                   on injectable microchips (it starts getting a 
                   bit paranoid here) and an examination of the 
                   sexual undertones of the Addams Family. 


                   FUGITIVE POPE 
                   [$1 from 1178 Margaret Lane, Olivette, MO 63132]
                   
                   Raleigh Muns is a reference librarian at the 
                   University of Missouri. In this issue, he 
                   recalls odd questions that people have asked 
                   him ("Do plastic surgeons restore foreskins?" 
                   "Who is the patron saint of television?") and 
                   shares some of the Department of Labor Fatalgrams 
                   he's unearthed (designed to prevent freak 
                   accidents from happening more than once) in the
                   government documents room. These are the Rescue 
                   911 stories you never see -- because the people 
                   DON'T MAKE IT. My favorite was the librarian who
                   suffocated while attempting to shift a stack of 
                   National Geographics that collapsed into dust. 
                   Raleigh also suggests new names for those computer 
                   card catalogs, such as JESUS (Just Enter Something 
                   U-Need, Sir) for a church library. 


                   THE HARVEYVILLE FUN TIMES! 
                   [$2 from 1464 LaPlaya, #105, San Francisco 94122]

                   Even though I sold my Richie Rich comic book 
                   collection years ago, I still was instantly 
                   intrigued by the idea of a zine devoted to 
                   Harvey Comics. Besides Richie, there's Little 
                   Lulu, Casper the Friendly Ghost, Underdog, 
                   Tom & Jerry, Woody Woodpecker, Beetle Bailey, 
                   Wendy, the Jetsons, etc. etc. The best article 
                   in this issue (Vol 3, No 11) was a detailed 
                   examination of the villains Richie has faced, 
                   such as the Onion, who used his bad breath 
                   to knock you out, and Dr. N-R-Gee, who had 
                   a giant light bulb for a head and could start 
                   fires. There was also a special appearance 
                   once by Richard Nixon! I enjoyed the intro-
                   duction in one issue written by one of the 
                   editors, Amy Arnold: 
                        
                        Why do I like Harvey Comics?.... 
                        I enjoy entering a sweeter, more 
                        fun, and magical world... Its 
                        crooks are bumbling or easily 
                        foiled by smart and good-hearted 
                        people... Its moms and dads are 
                        nice... Rich people help the 
                        poor. Scientists work for the 
                        good of mankind without hurting 
                        helpless animals. Witches and 
                        ghosts want to make friends.... 
                        And the beauty of it is, the 
                        worst criminals, witches, ghosts 
                        or other magical bad-guys never 
                        kill or torture people.
                        
                   Amy...that was beautiful! 


                   IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFESTYLE
                   [$4 from 590 Lisbon, San Francisco 94112]

                   Candi Strecker of San Francisco, a former 
                   librarian, has compiled the essential "revisionist 
                   history" of the music, cars, clothes, hairstyles, 
                   television and movies of the 1970s. "The '60s 
                   were theory," she writes. "The '70s were practice." 
                   Remember unisex, bionic, gasohol, superstar, L.E.D. 
                   display, Earth Shoes, assertiveness training, 
                   roller disco? Or that long before there were 
                   designer jeans, people checked shoe stripes? 
                   (Three stripes was hip; four from K-mart.) Or 
                   "Don't hit my hair!" (Saturday Night Fever, 1976). 
                   The sad truth: The '70s will never die -- but 
                   you will. 


                   THE JOE BOB BRIGGS REPORT 
                   [free sample from POB 2002, Dallas, TX 75221]

                   This is a zine put out by Joe Bob Briggs, a 
                   reviewer who only watches really bad (and 
                   therefore really good) drive-in movies. He
                   recently awarded his 1991 Academy Awards, 
                   which included Best Dialogue (Wesley Snipes, 
                   New Jack City: "Sit your $5 ass down before 
                   I make change"), Best Flick ("Naked Obsession," 
                   about a city councilman who spends all his time 
                   in topless bars); and Best Bad Guy (David Gale 
                   in "ReAnimator," in which he portrays a "maniac 
                   CEO who gives himself neck injections with a 
                   weird green fluid, murders his senior staff 
                   after dressing them up in lingerie, and wears
                   bunny ears while wasting people with a 
                   super-laser death-ray machine gun." Gotta wonder 
                   if the kids would like it. 
                   

                   THE LAST NEWS 
                   [Gospel Tract Society, POB 1118, Independent, 
                   MO 64051]

                   A religious tract that purports to be a 
                   newspaper from the day "Christ Returns," as the 
                   banner headline declares. First, the "playful, 
                   sensual world" would be shocked by the sudden 
                   disappearance of the many Good Christians who 
                   were taken up to Heaven, leaving behind all the 
                   Buddhists and Hindus and couples living together 
                   who aren't married, I guess. I love the creative 
                   use of stock photos: One shows an empty airport 
                   ticket counter with the caption explaining that 
                   it's deserted but for the attendants because 
                   "all travel came to a halt last night." Well, 
                   then, why are the attendants there? And wouldn't 
                   everyone be rushing to Jerusalem? I mean, it is 
                   the *Rapture*. Inside there's this photo of a 
                   woman screaming and the caption, "Denver mother 
                   screams for her child." Why Denver? The back page 
                   has a black-and-white photo of the moon with the 
                   explanation, "A spokesman for a nearby obser-
                   vatory said that the recent red color of the 
                   moon may be explained by Act 2:20." Question: 
                   If all the Christians went up to heaven, who put 
                   this newspaper together? 


                   THE LAST PROM
                   [$1 from 137 S. San Fernando Blvd., Box 243, 
                   Burbank, CA 91502]

                   In his first issue, Editor Ralph Coon details 
                   the history of those gruesome films that you 
                   saw during driver's education class that scared
                   you into driving about 10 mph. He tracks down 
                   a Ohio guy, now 71, who made 19 of the bloodfests 
                   (among them: "Mechanized Death," "Wheels of 
                   Tragedy" and "Highways of Agony") and quizzes 
                   him about his technique. The film I remember
                   from my formative days behind the wheel was 
                   "Red Asphalt," produced by the California Highway 
                   Patrol, and Coon ferrets out the geniuses behind 
                   that as well. 


                   LITTLE FREE PRESS 
                   [$1 from Box 54177, Minneapolis 55454]

                   Ernest Mann's zine really grows on you. He's a 
                   retiree who believes that we'd all be better off 
                   if we adopted a Priceless Economic System (PES), 
                   in which everyone volunteers. Okay Ernest, why 
                   don't you start by mowing my lawn? Seriously, 
                   though, his politics may be kooky, but his heart 
                   is in the right place. In the back of each issue 
                   of LFP, which he's been cranking out since 1969, 
                   Ernest talks about adventures like building a 
                   raft to sail from Minnesota to New Orleans down 
                   the Mississippi River. He's tried six times, 
                   constructing rafts with a lady friend out of 
                   Styrofoam and plastic milk jugs, but never got 
                   much farther than the Greyhound station. Ernest 
                   also writes about driving to Mexico to get his 
                   teeth replaced (it's much cheaper there, but this 
                   was pre-NAFTA). I love how he bargained with the 
                   dentist over the price of pulling each tooth. 
                   Simple sentiments in a world gone mad. 


                   LIVING CHEAP NEWS 
                   [$2 from POB 700058, San Jose, CA 95170]

                   Larry Roth is a man after my own heart: "I want 
                   to explore the limits of cheap," he writes. Larry 
                   has his limits, however. He hates, for instance, 
                   people who are cheap at the expense of others, 
                   such as those who won't tip in restaurants. And 
                   Larry hints that the guy who times his bowel 
                   movements so he'll be at work to save on the 
                   water bill might be going too far. Besides how-to 
                   tips, Living Cheap also reviews books such as 
                   "Once-a-Month Cooking" (90 meals in a day to save 
                   energy) and reprints readers' letters about their 
                   latest money-saving coups. (Helen from San Diego 
                   complains that grocery clerks won't ring up her 
                   items separately so she can send the receipts in 
                   for rebates.) Don't try any funny stuff by asking 
                   Larry for a free sample: You may be cheap, but a 
                   guy's gotta eat. 


