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           C  H  I  P  ' S    C  L  O  S  E  T     C  L  E  A  N  E  R

               Humor  *  Trivia  *  Pop Culture  *  Fun
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                                      I S S U E   N O.  9,  P A R T  I

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            All contents (c) copyright Chip Rowe or individual authors.
            E-mail: chip@playboy.com (faster) or chiprowe@reach.com

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            CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER NO. 11 NOW AVAILABLE!

            The latest issue of CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER -- 28 pages of 
            humor, trivia, pop culture and fun -- is now available for 
            $3 plus $1 postage from Chip Rowe, 175 North Harbor Dr.,
            Chicago, IL 60601-7358.  

                       Unseen Spinal Tap! 
                          Zine and Book Reviews 
                               Why I Love Swear Words
                                   My Girlfriend Wears My Favorite T-Shirts 
                                           Catalog from Hell
                                                 50 Ways To Say You Masturbate 
                                                       and Much More!

         ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

                CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER NO. 10 NOW AVAILABLE!
                          
                   Normal People Who Collect Odd Stuff
                         Dentists on Film
                               Weekly World News Index
                                   World's Largest Musical Fountain
                                             TV Mantras
                                                   Zine Reviews
                                                          Walter Cronkite's Favorite Color 
                                                                  $2 plus $1 postage

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      contents CONTENTS contents CONTENTS contents CONTENTS 
    + 
    +                    Get Out of Jury Duty
    +                    Cheat on the SAT
    +                    Chip Goes to Europe
    +                    And Various Other Fun

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                            HOW TO GET OUT OF JURY DUTY

                     This issue is a bit late because I had jury 
                     duty. It sucked. First, I spent three days 
                     waiting to get through selection, and then 
                     I got selected. The trial lasted five days, 
                     and it was bullshit: Guy uses a fake silver 
                     pistol to rob a greasy fast food place of 
                     $127, and while robbing it, the grips on 
                     his gun fall off. So, of course, he's 
                     arrested a few blocks away with the money 
                     in his pocket (including 50 one-dollar bills 
                     wrapped in a rubber band) and a silver gun 
                     WITH NO GRIPS! No waaaay! And he didn't
                     wear a mask, so three store employees got a good
                     look at him, including the clerk who gave up 
                     the money, and when she's asked if the man 
                     who robbed her is in the courtroom, she 
                     looks at each of us in the jury, then at 
                     the prosecutor, then at the defense attorney, 
                     then at the judge, and then the defendant, 
                     and she instantaneously starts sobbing! So 
                     we went to recess, even though I never 
                     understood why they called it that, because 
                     all we did was sit in a room and read old 
                     magazines. No milk, no touch football, no 
                     overweight lunch ladies telling us to get 
                     out of the street. Nothing.

                     So this entire trial is spent establishing 
                     things like, yes, the grips fit the gun, 
                     and the guy ran when the cops approached 
                     him, and he had a sweaty black t-shirt with 
                     white lettering and a black baseball cap 
                     with white lettering in the gymbag he used 
                     to slug the pursuing officer, and that's 
                     EXACTLY WHAT THE ROBBER WAS WEARING!
                     Ohmigod! The defense attorney then tries to plant 
                     some reasonable doubt by pointing to the fact 
                     that one of the witnesses told one of his 
                     special investigators that the robber was 
                     wearing a WHITE shirt! But it wasn't enough 
                     to convince me, and good thing too cause I 
                     find out after the trial that the GUY ALSO 
                     HAD ROBBED the same restaurant a week before, 
                     and he was wearing a white shirt then, and 
                     that's why the one worker was confused. I 
                     guess when you get robbed that often, you 
                     can get mixed up.

                     Anyway, I was chosen as an alternate juror 
                     after all that, so I didn't get to deliberate. 
                     It took my colleagues about 40 minutes to find 
                     him guilty. 

                     Initially I was very proud to be selected to 
                     serve -- doing my civic duty and all that. 
                     But by the time it was over, I was disgusted. 
                     And because there are relatively few residents 
                     in Washington, D.C., for all the crimes 
                     committed here, you're just about guaranteed 
                     to be called back every two years. The next 
                     time, I'm going to have a list of excuses 
                     ready during the selection process so I 
                     can get excused. People are shameless about 
                     it, anyway. Every time the judge asked the 
                     prospective jurors a question, "Does anyone 
                     here have any religious reasons that they 
                     can't judge others?" or something like that, 
                     this woman next to me would think a second, 
                     then go, "Oh, I do!" and raise her hand. 
                     Yeah, right. Leave *me* to do the dirty work. 

                     So here's my list, in case you get duty and 
                     need to demonstrate your inability to render 
                     a fair and impartial judgment. Wait until 
                     the judge calls you up for private discussions 
                     of your situation so the other commoners 
                     don't steal my material:

                     * I can tell if people are guilty just by 
                     looking at them. 

                     * I'm really attracted to you, your honor. 

                     * If a police officer told me I was a bug, 
                     I would believe him. 

                     * Is it still murder if I haven't been 
                     caught? 

                     * My religion prohibits me from sitting 
                     near other people. 

                     * Would I have to bathe? 

                     * Can each of my personalities vote in 
                     deliberations? 

                     * I think laws are for sissies. 

                     * Your marshall's handcuffs are turning 
                     me on.  

                     * I'm allergic to justice.  

                     * I'm deaf. (Answer questions thereafter 
                     by cupping hand and shouting "What?") 

                     * A pit bull named [defendant's first 
                     name] just killed my baby. 

                     * I have Tourette's Syndrome, you 
                     fucking asshole.  

                     * I get dizzy if I try to weigh evidence. 

                     * Have you ever done this, your honor? 
                     (Chop off your ear with a razor). 

                     * An eye for an eye? I say we take his 
                     head for an eye! (Point at defendant.)

                      ---------------------------------------------------


                                  BOMBERS AND CRAZIES

                     "One Chicagoan recalled giving $7 in a 
                     commuter railway station to a man who said 
                     he needed money to get home to Kenosha, 
                     Wisconsin. Three days later, he saw the 
                     same man at the same place, telling the same 
                     story. 'I was annoyed to realize I had been 
                     conned, but I was really angry to think I had 
                     been conned by a mope not smart enough to 
                     realize that in a commuter station the same 
                     people go by at about the same time every 
                     day.' " (Chicago Reader)

                     A phone conversation: Heather D.: "Do you 
                     hear that?" Chip: "What?" Heather D.: "That 
                     phone-off-the-hook noise."  Chip: "No." Heather 
                     D.: "Oh, it must be in my head."

                     From a press release: "So says Charles Patrick 
                     Ewing, a forensic psychologist and author of 
                     the books, 'Kids Who Kill' and 'Battered Women 
                     Who Kill.'... Ewing is now writing a book on 
                     'Fatal Families,' concerning husbands, wives 
                     and children who kill one another."

                     "Mr. DePippo also disclosed that the suspect, 
                     after his arrest, had been told not to wash his 
                     hands or put them in water, suggesting that 
                     they were to be examined for traces of bomb-
                     making chemicals. Soon afterward, Mr. Elgabrowny 
                     [the first suspect arrested in the World 
                     Trade Center bombing] asked to go to the 
                     bathroom and, when given permission, plunged 
                     his hands into a toilet bowl containing urine. 
                     Mr. Elgabrowny's lawyer, Michael Warren, 
                     explained the toilet bowl incident by saying 
                     that as a Muslim, the defendant was obligated 
                     to "cleanse" himself "before praying." 
                     (New York Times)

                     "[Branch Davidian Paul Fatta] compared 
                     Koresh, who has sexual relations with about 
                     19 women he calls wives, to the prophet 
                     Isaiah: 'The [Bible] teaches that Isaiah married 
                     two prostitutes, and if he came up to you, with 
                     these whores hanging on his arms, and said he 
                     had a message from God, would you listen to him?' 
                     Mr. Fatta said. 'Do not judge a person by his 
                     actions, but by the message that he has.' "  
                     (New York Times)

                     "Among Mr. Koresh's regular chants was a 
                     simple one he invented himself. Half the 
                     followers would shout, 'Who's gonna destroy 
                     the Babylonians?' then march in place for 
                     three counts before the other half would yell 
                     out in response, 'We're gonna destroy the 
                     Babylonians!' " (New York Times)

                     "Marc Breault, who sometimes played bass in the 
                     rock band Koresh organized in the compound, says 
                     that even practicing together was difficult 
                     because Koresh threw tantrums when he hit a 
                     wrong note in front of others. 'It's very 
                     difficult being in a band with God's 
                     messenger,' says Breault." (Time)

                             ------------------------------------------------------

                           AN INTERVIEW WITH ANN LANDERS!

                     As part of a freelance assignment in 1991, I 
                     had the opportunity to speak with advice 
                     columnist Ann Landers. Excerpts from our 
                     phone conversation:

                     CC: Ann, what is happiness?

                     AL: You know, some people find great happiness 
                     in misery. You know about those people?

                     CC: I've read about them, yes.

                     AL: But you want to know who our heroes will 
                     be, things like that?

                     CC: Yeah, start with that.

                     AL: Well, we used to have heroes we got from 
                     literature, or medicine, or this sort of 
                     thing. But during the next decade it's going 
                     to be television stars.

                     CC: Television stars?

                     AL: This is what people are looking at. Sports 
                     figures, rock stars, musicians.

                     CC: I've been reading about America's return 
                     to "simple values." What do you make of that?

                     AL: I haven't seen any evidence of that. I 
                     see that people admire, much to my consternation, 
                     characters like Donald Trump, with the 
                     conspicuous consumption. And the fact that 
                     some of these people are crooks, deadbeats, 
                     liars -- I'm not calling him these names, 
                     of course.

                     CC: Of course.

                     AL: I'm talking about high rollers like Michael 
                     Milken, these big rip-off guys.

                     CC: Yet he's gone to jail. Is that going to 
                     teach us a lesson?

                     AL: I don't know. They still admire him as  
                     the guy who made $550 million in one year.

                     CC: You don't make that much with your column 
                     [laugh].

                     AL: Well, not this year [doesn't laugh].

                     [Conversation continues with Ann's dull 
                     observations on marriage, consumerism, etc.]

                     CC: Any other thoughts?

                     AL: Who else are you talking to?

                     CC: Let's see. I'm talking to Dr. Joyce Brothers.

                     AL: Oh, forget her.

                     CC: Erma Bombeck.

                     AL: She'll be great.

                     CC: Jerry Seinfeld.

                     AL: He's wonderful.

                     CC: Roger Ebert.

                     AL: Roger's awfully good.

                     [Conversation continues. Yeah, yeah, good, good]

                     AL: You've got very good people there. 
                     But I don't like to be in a group with 
                     four advice columnists.

                     CC: Well, you're on the top of my list. 
                     I was only calling Dr. Ruth to get sex 
                     advice.

                     AL: Well, the other one [Brothers], you're 
                     not going to get anything original or great... 
                     Say, do you want a picture?

                     CC: Sure.

                     AL: Black and white, or color?

                     CC: Color, please.

                     AL: Wonderful, Chip. You sound like a 
                     neat guy.

                     CC: Thanks. Bye.

                     AL: Bye now.

                               -------------------------------------------

                           HOW TO CHEAT ON THE SAT

                     In 1992, Washington teenager Larry Adler 
                     completed a jail sentence for denying under 
                     oath that he paid a University of Virginia 
                     freshman $200 to take his Scholastic Aptitude 
                     Test (SAT), one of two popular college 
                     entrance exams. A loyal Closet Cleaner source, 
                     Slick Stew, recently asked students at Adler's 
                     alma mater, Winston Churchill High, and at 
                     Chelsea Clinton's school, Sidwell Friends, 
                     for their secret methods to cheat on the 
                     standardized test. Some favorites:

                     1. Use the Breaks Between Sections
                     Go into the hall during the break and compare 
                     answers on the section you've just completed. 
                     Return to the hall and, when the proctor 
                     isn't around, make changes on the previous 
                     section. Sit at a different table after 
                     each break, to make it harder for the 
                     proctor to keep an eye on you. If you're 
                     taking an achievement test in, say, math, 
                     have a friend take it first and provide 
                     you with the problems ahead of time.

                     2. Go High Tech
                     Use one of those newfangled electronic 
                     dictionaries, hidden in your clothing, 
                     for the vocabulary section. On the 
                     physics AP, you can use a calculator. 
                     Since they don't specify what type of 
                     calculator is okay, buy a newfangled 
                     one where you can program every physics 
                     formula, type pages of notes and 
                     definitions of words. When the proctor 
                     says, "Everyone clear your calculator's 
                     memory," they never check. The Advanced 
                     Placement exams are tougher to crack, 
                     but not impossible. The testers give 
                     each student a little bar code to affix 
                     to their essay section, so it's easy to 
                     switch labels and have someone else 
                     take your exam for you.

                     3. Back to Basics 
                     If you finish a section early, go back over 
                     sections that you didn't have time to finish 
                     in the allotted time. "It's downright 
                     sensible," says one student, but against 
                     the rules. The testers have begun giving 
                     out different versions of the tests to 
                     make sure people don't simply copy the 
                     little black bubble answer sheets from 
                     the person sitting next to them. But 
                     since the questions go from easy to more 
                     difficult in each version, do the first 
                     four or five and check to make sure your 
                     source has the same version of the 
                     test that you do.

                     4. Proctors? What Proctors? 
                     Usually, there are only two proctors for every 
                     130 students or so, so it isn't hard to cheat. 
                     Even if you get caught, the test rules say 
                     that the proctor can only warn you not to 
                     work on anything but the specific section 
                     everyone else is working on. If you get caught 
                     a second time, you get kicked out of the 
                     room, so there's still reason to be cautious. 
                     But who says schools that hold the tests are 
                     going to crack down? They want a lot of National 
                     Merit Scholars, just like anyone else. If the 
                     proctor leaves the room to get coffee or 
                     something, just talk among yourselves. I'll 
                     give you a topic: The problems you're working on.

                     5. Get Someone Smart to Take It For You 
                     Although the test company asks schools to require 
                     photo ID from students to assure that no one can 
                     take the test for you, most aren't that stringent. 
                     One student says he used a photo of himself 
                     when he was 10, and they accepted it. 
                     Or try coming just at the last minute, all 
                     harried, and they probably won't bother checking. 
                     Another student says he tested the system by 
                     bringing in two copies of his driver's learning 
                     permit. In one, the photo was blurred but not 
                     the words; in the other, the words were blurred 
                     but not the photo. He got in.

                                -------------------------------------------------

                                               contd.
