
%=========================================%

          C  H  I  P  ' S    C  L  O  S  E  T     C  L  E  A  N  E  R

                Humor  *  Trivia  *  Pop Culture  *  Fun

%=========================================%

                                           I S S U E   N O.  7

                 SING THE #####  ###  ###  ###  #######
                                    #####  ###  ###  ###  ###  ##
                                    ##     ########  ###  ###  ##
                                    ##     ########  ###  #######
                                   #####  ###  ###  ###  ###    
                                   #####  ###  ###  ###  ###  ELECTRIC

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

              All contents (c) copyright Chip Rowe or individual authors. 
              E-mail: chip@playboy.com

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

            CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER NO. 11 NOW AVAILABLE!

            The latest issue of CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER -- 28 pages of 
            humor, trivia, pop culture and fun -- is now available for 
            $3 plus $1 postage from Chip Rowe, 175 North Harbor Dr.,
            Chicago, IL 60601-7358. 

                       Unseen Spinal Tap! 
                          Zine and Book Reviews 
                                Why I Love Swear Words
                                     My Girlfriend Wears My Favorite T-Shirts 
                                          Catalog from Hell
                                             50 Ways To Say You Masturbate 
                                                 and Much More!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


                    CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER NO. 10 NOW AVAILABLE!

                              Normal People Who Collect Odd Stuff
                                   Dentists on Film
                                       Weekly World News Index
                                            World's Largest Musical Fountain
                                                  TV Mantras
                                                      Zine Reviews
                                                       Walter Cronkite's Favorite Color 
                                                             $2 plus $1 postage

==================================================

    contents CONTENTS contents CONTENTS contents CONTENTS 
    +
    +                    Jerry Seinfeld Speaks 
    +                    Vonnegut-Like Stories
    +                    Weirdos on Capital Hill
    +                    Annoying, Oversexed TV Characters
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


                                      INSIDE THE WEIRDO LOBBY

                     For the price of a few beers to get a couple 
                      of receptionists soused, the Closet Cleaner 
                     was able to get the inside scoop on a power-
                     ful lobby of weirdos who stalk the halls of 
                     the U.S. House and Senate office buildings.

                     By throwing in dinner, we also obtained 
                     secret documents delivered by the lobby to 
                     a Senator from the Midwest, many intended 
                     "for his eyes only." 

                     Unlike most Americans, the persistent 
                     members of the weirdo lobby believe their 
                     elected officials can do something about 
                     their problems. If that's not crazy enough, 
                     consider their influence. They are 
                     sufficient in number that reception desks 
                     in each member's office are equipped with 
                     hidden silent alarms, much like bank teller 
                     cages. If there's trouble, receptionists 
                     can also phone security and say, "The books 
                     are ready in room 331" -- code for "Hurry, 
                     a weirdo has cornered me"--although our 
                     sources say many weirdos have caught on 
                     to that ruse.

                     Occasionally, the police hold seminars to 
                     teach receptionists how to handle odd 
                     visitors who insist they must see the 
                     senator. (Rule #1: Don't make any sudden
                      moves.) These seminars include skits 
                     where security officers portray oddballs 
                     and demonstrate appropriate responses to 
                     their advances (be calm, smile, take any 
                     materials they offer you).

                     After and during these seminars, attendees 
                     swap war stories. One of our informants 
                     recalled a visit from an aide to Merlin, 
                     the Great Governor of the World. "That's 
                     quite a constituency you've got there," 
                     our witty source told Merlin's man, whose 
                     catatonic state apparently prevented him 
                     from laughing. (If you're going to be 
                     delusional, why not choose to be Merlin
                     himself, rather than his underling?) 
                     Another visitor came by with surgical
                     tape over his mouth. "He sounded like 
                     Charlie Brown's teacher," our source
                     said. The man left equally indecipherable 
                     documents. A third visitor, an inventor 
                     with thick glasses and a bad comb over, 
                     offered his plan to prevent nuclear 
                     holocaust. He also wanted to know where 
                     he could open a checking account.

                     Like MumbleMan, the inventor left innocuous 
                     printed material for the senator; others 
                     leave ugly anti-Semitic, homophobic 
                     diatribes or "proof" of elaborate 
                     conspiracies. What follows are excerpts 
                     from some of these hand-delivered appeals. 
                     Collected over several weeks, they are 
                     offered as both a comic and tragic show-
                     case of our society:

                     * "I need to find out if I have a house-
                     hold account with the Senate. I need the 
                     money to put a down payment on a used 
                     car, paint my house and buy a new water 
                     heater. I need about $4,000. Can get a 
                     check from Congress, or do they have 
                     money orders?"

                     * "It seems a renegade cult of CIA oper-
                     ators have experimented on me with a 
                     secret government weapon and are now 
                     trying to cover-up. The device apparently
                     uses pulsed microwave radiation which 
                     may be focused on a single unwitting
                     recipient even from a great distance 
                     and convey subliminal words. The 
                     operators are now focusing on our dog, 
                     Missa, and two of our cats. They promise 
                     to cause earthquakes unless I relent 
                     in my investigation."

                     * "So the reign of terror approaches 
                     due to your apathetic resignation to the
                     proliferation of violence, hedonism and 
                     homosexuality in this country. Of course 
                     you don't want to say anything, for you 
                     may have a creative "accident." You 
                     cannot oppose this gay Beast when it's 
                     so sweet. Who can oppose the sweet? It's 
                     so easy to get confused. Is it a woman's 
                     movement or a lesbian movement? Are 
                     those schools or homosexual training 
                     camps? Is the media in control? Check
                     out the article below. They blew up a 
                     bomb. It was meant for me... They are
                     daring you to stop them."

                     * "My neighbors have told me that my 
                     house is transmitting me into their TV
                     sets. My children said it all started 
                     when the aluminum went up on the house.
                     My children are beautiful; they are now 
                     25 and 27 years old. The neighbors 
                     started repeating things that I do in 
                     the house." [The woman then lists the 
                     61 entities where her personal cable 
                     network can be seen, including various
                     states, the National Hockey League, 
                     "Central America, especially Mexico" and,
                     inexplicably, "4 out of 5 adults."]

                     * A self-proclaimed "former Polish 
                     diplomat involved in sensitive FBI
                     projects," drops off seven thick documents. 
                     In each, he argues that Dick Thornburg 
                     is a KGB spy and that James Fox, head 
                     of the FBI's New York office, has 
                     conspired "to collect money from the 
                     Soviets to introduce a biological 
                     agent, Anally Injected Death Syndrome 
                     (AIDS) into D.C. area." He claims Fox
                     plans a coup d'tat and details "coming 
                     Columbus Day actions" by the FBI "to
                     kidnap my wife and I to Siberia." The 
                     man also claims the FBI killed Sen. John
                     Heinz (who died in a helicopter crash), 
                     a theory confirmed when someone placed
                     a bottle of Heinz ketchup near the man 
                     as he sat in a restaurant considering
                     the senator's demise. He interprets 
                     "signs" of other subversive activities
                     from advertisements on the sides of vans 
                     parked near his home and accuses KGB
                     spy John Sununu of poisoning George Bush 
                     with lead in the White House pipes.

                     As proof of KGB persecution, the man 
                     encloses police reports from his recent
                     arrests for disorderly conduct (he 
                     screamed at Thornburg as the former
                     attorney general entered a Senate 
                     hearing room), loitering (he wouldn't 
                     leave a suburban mall) and stealing 
                     government property (he used a private 
                     Senate copier). Further, on June 25 
                     at 7:30 p.m. someone in a passing car 
                     yelled at him "Dick Thornburg will 
                     win. You will die." [Or maybe it was 
                     "You idiot, get out of the road!"]

                     * "My name is George Muzyk and I am 
                     seeking the presidency of the United
                     States. Moderate Independent Party 
                     Leadership. All things in moderation. 
                     The Civil Administration, a great place 
                     to do business. Don't think of another
                     person for the job."

                     * "They broke my TV. He hexed it off 
                     after he got mad about the blouse I sent
                     to Africa, and I just get sound on CBS. 
                     Nuts! I want my TV back on. NO MORE,
                     SENATOR! They had something on TV about 
                     witches. My driving is controlled by
                     witchcraft. Milwaukee was okay. Betty 
                     may not be a witch, but she's very
                     upset."

                     * "Five years ago, I discovered 
                     racketeering in the CIA. I have since 
                     been under physical threat. My newspapers, 
                     mail, telephone, radio and TV reception
                     have been intercepted. Proof is attached. 
                     [A newspaper article about a liver 
                     transplant and another about a heart 
                     transplant in a baboon.] I have been to
                     four newspapers but have not been able to 
                     get past the lobbies. When I told the man 
                     at the New York Times that I had been under 
                     physical threat, he flinched but did not 
                     let me go upstairs. Conclusion: Nixon was 
                     aware that the Press is manipulated."

                     * Flea market maverick Arthur DeRuntz 
                     drops off the 191st issue of his irregular 
                     newsletter directed at Congress and George 
                     Bush. Filled with open letters on a variety 
                     of topics, DeRuntz's sincere if verbose 
                     writings reflect his love of country and 
                     despair over what it's become. He also 
                     includes letters he wrote to friends in 
                     the 1950s, details of his son's 
                     incarceration in a mental hospital, a 
                     copy of a spiteful note from a Nebraska 
                     state senator saying, "Please do not send 
                     me any more of your literature," the 
                     Declaration of Independence and excerpts 
                     from letters written by hero Thomas 
                     Jefferson, and DeRuntz's "Better L.A.T.E. 
                     Than Never" prescription for society's 
                     ills (Love, Amnesty, Toleration, Evolution). 
                     Written in cursive script, his tracts
                     are illustrated with patriotic clip art and 
                     photos of missing children.

                      ---------------------------------------------


             THE CLOSET CLEANER SPEAKS WITH JERRY SEINFELD
                              ABOUT THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

                     CC: Do you see America returning to the "simple 
                     life" in the coming decade? Is that what will 
                     make us happy?

                     JS: That's a crock. There's no going back. 
                     The thing that'll probably make us happy in 
                     the '90s is that we know it's the last decade 
                     that we'll have to hear one of those terms 
                     like the '90s. You're so '90s, you're so '80s. 
                     After the '90s, what are we going to say? 
                     You're so zero number? It's so blank digit of
                     you to have your own voice mail?

                     CC: So we all won't be returning to simple 
                     values, as some people have done?

                     JS: That's just a hobby while we're waiting 
                     for the cures for a few things. For instance, 
                     sexually we're all in the starting blocks, 
                     waiting for the gun to go back to the way 
                     we were in the '70s. It's a hobby, all this 
                     nurturing and nuclear family. [He pauses, 
                     then 'clicks' into a monologue on a thinly
                     related subject.] I've noticed lately in 
                     television, it seems like the speed of 
                     images keeps going up. As the speed of 
                     television goes up, the movies start going 
                     faster. I don't know if it's possible that 
                     eventually each frame of the film will be 
                     a totally different scene, different 
                     characters, different stories. You'll walk 
                     out with dilated pupils. 

                     It's like when -- this is really a stretch -- 
                     you take a bath and you watch the water 
                     coming up your stomach. It comes up a 
                     little one way and then it goes down a 
                     little the other way. It's the same thing 
                     with entertainment. It's "Hey, someone 
                     hasn't done this in the last 10 minutes." 
                     Then everybody does that, and then there's 
                     a hole on the other side and everybody 
                     goes over there.

                     CC: Will Americans ever find happiness?

                     JS: The thing about life that no one can 
                     believe is that what we're doing is actually 
                     *it*. When you're a little kid, you look 
                     forward to it. You're seriously concerned 
                     when you're a kid that you might not be 
                     able to take the excitement of being an adult, 
                     of driving around and people calling on the 
                     phone and getting mail addressed directly 
                     to you. Now, it's like: "You drive; tell 
                     'em I'm not here; and I can't believe all 
                     this junk mail!'' So, the point is not that 
                     youth is wasted on the young, but that 
                     everything is wasted on everyone. I look 
                     at kids and say, "Oh boy, it's the greatest 
                     life form of all; the only problem is your 
                     [bike] chain failing." That was the subject 
                     of "Our Town" -- can you realize what life 
                     is while you're living it, or do you have 
                     to be dead? We'll be in heaven going, "If I 
                     just had the right robe, I really think I'd 
                     be happy. I just feel this one is too big 
                     and I look ridiculous."

                     CC: Are you happy?

                     JS: Yeah. I'm happy because I know that 
                     this is happy. I really believe that people 
                     are happy and don't know it. People get this 
                     impression of "happy" from soft-drink 
                     commercials. You see these people in 
                     soft-drink commercials, they're literally 
                     airborne. You're thinking, "If that makes 
                     them feel that good, how can I feel good --
                     I'm still just walking on the ground." 
                     Spiking a volleyball, that's happy. Getting 
                     a jet-ski six feet off the top of a wave....

                     CC: You're not so happy when you land, but 
                     at that airborne moment anyway.

                     JS: Yeah, at that moment. It's gravity that 
                     makes us unhappy, I guess.

                     CC: Finally, let me ask: Is consumerism dead?

                     JS: No. [long pause]

                     CC: Okay. Well, thanks.

                     JS: It's been fun.

                        -------------------------------------


                             THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS


                     "Rodney Fox was attacked by a 1,200-pound 
                     Great White Shark. He fought off the shark 
                     by gouging its eyes, but not before it tore 
                     open his entire upper torso, requiring 500 
                     stitches. He still has a scar the shape of 
                     the shark's jaws. Rodney is wearing the 
                     water-resistant Timex Ironman Triathlon 
                     watch. It costs about $45."  -- magazine 
                     advertisement

                     "Love is when you like someone a lot and 
                     then you go through a lot of shit together."         
                     -- overheard by G.S. & C.R. at a D.C. bar

                     "He told me of his love for good fabrics 
                     and how he wore women's underpants. But 
                     they wouldn't permit that in the paper. 
                     So, now you know." -- reporter Lois Wille, 
                     at her retirement from the Chicago Tribune, 
                     on an interview she once conducted with 
                     Cary Grant. 

                     "In studies we've done, about 16 percent 
                     of bear gallbladders in the U.S. tend to 
                     be fake. They're really from pigs. So this 
                     is enormous fraud." -- Ed Espinoza of the 
                     Federal Fish and Wildlife Service, in the 
                     New York Times.

                     "A Northwestern: What University of Chicago 
                     students call a blow-off class." -- Newsweek."

                     "Show me a happy person, and I'll show you 
                     a person who's not in a relationship." --men's 
                     movement guru John Bradshaw.

                        ----------------------------------------


                           STORIES I WROTE WHEN I WAS 16 
                          AND THOUGHT I WAS KURT VONNEGUT


                     I. Billy Buckles Up

                     Billy Crowe was just fiddling around in his 
                     basic home learning center when he jumped 
                     up, very excited.

                     He had invented a belt buckle with his 
                     junior chemist's kit. It had a dial that 
                     displayed four numbers. When you shook the 
                     belt, the numbers spun like a slot machine.

                     The belt buckle was a time-machine belt buckle.

                     Billy's hands were shaking as he attached 
                     the buckle to his belt. His belt was brown. 
                     It had fake rhinestones.

                     "Eureka!" cried Billy. "Eureka!"

                     The numbers stopped like this: 2-0-0-1. This 
                     meant Billy would advance to the year 2001 
                     when he pressed the belt buckle.

                     He pressed the buckle. He did this because 
                     he couldn't wait for the future. If he did, 
                     it would then be the present.

                     He entered 2001 quietly. He found himself 
                     in the middle of the parking lot. Cars 
                     floated by and some honked at him.

                     HONK! HONK!...HONK! HONK!

                     Cars pulled out of parking places near 
                     Billy. They each left a cart on a moving 
                     conveyor belt that took them into the store. 
                     It reminded Billy of dogs leaving doggie-
                     doo on the curb. The conveyor belt was 
                     a cart pooper-scooper.

                     In Billy's time, young men picked up the 
                     carts by hand.

                     Billy had his hand on his time travel 
                     belt buckle. He turned around. This is
                     what made Billy turn around.

                     HONK! HONK!

                     Then he was hit by a truck.

                                           ***


                     II. 53-Under-Par

                     When Billy Crowe was an astronaut, he 
                     found it interesting. He was sent to 
                     the moon.

                     Before Billy went to the moon, it didn't 
                     have any footprints. Now it does.

                     That's progress for you.

                     Little did Billy know, but he would 
                     become famous for his moon trip. He 
                     was the first astronaut in history who 
                     could say that everyone hated his guts 
                     and was glad to see him go.

                     Billy went with another man, Billy 
                     Bowels. Billy teased Benny because of 
                     his name.

                     On the moon, Billy wanted to hit a golf 
                     ball. He thought this: "I didn't come
                     here to collect rocks."

                     He put the little dimpled ball on a tee. 
                     He'd never done it before, not even on 
                     earth. Of course, he was never famous 
                     on earth either.

                     He hit the ball. He thought he might have 
                     sliced it. The ball was orange. The moon is 
                     a par 54.

                     Some time later, Benny thought he saw 
                     something on the horizon. You see a lot
                     of exciting things on the moon. What 
                     Benny saw was Billy's ball. It had 
                     orbited the moon.

                     Benny watched the orange dot get bigger 
                     and bigger. His eyes crossed. The ball
                     smashed into the glass shield on his 
                     space helmet.

                     Benny turned blue. He had a golf ball 
                     blocking his epiglottis.

                     When Billy looked down at Benny, this is 
                     what he thought: "Oh my God!"

                     Then he thought: "A hole-in-one!"

                      --------------------------------------------------


                      Life's Great Injustices, No. 17
                      WHEN ANNOYING TV TEENS GET MORE 
                      ACTION THAN YOU

                     Show: Beverly Hills 90215 (Fox)
                     Character: That slut played by Shannen Doherty
                     Sexual experience: Slept with boyfriend after 3 months

                     Show: Roseanne (ABC)
                     Character: That insufferable, bossy Becky Conner
                     Sexual experience: Asked her mother to help her 
                     get birth control, then slept with greaser boyfriend

                     Show: Blossom (NBC)
                     Character: That so-cute-ya-wanna-puke Blossom
                     Sexual experience: Heavy petting (she's only 14, 
                     so she's got another year before she beds anyone)

                     Show: The Wonder Years (ABC)
                     Character: That puppy-eyed, annoying Kevin Arnold
                     Sexual experience: Loses "innocence," i.e. 
                     '60s remembrance-speak for copping a feel.

                     Show: Doogie Howser, M.D. (ABC)
                     Character: That nerdy Doogie
                     Sexual experience: After whining about how he's 
                     sick and tired of being a virgin, he hops in 
                     the sack with his girlfriend, then beds one of 
                     the nurses.

                        -----------------------------------------


                          21 QUESTIONS: OUR DIVIDED PARTY SYSTEM                                                                                                                          

                     Please indicate which of America's political 
                     parties delivered each of these innovative 
                     ideas at their 1992 conventions:

                        
                     1. "Our party's first priority is opportunity...
                     broad-based, non-inflationary economic growth 
                     and the opportunity that flows from it."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                     2. "We believe in the American people..."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                     3. "[Candidate] believes that what we most 
                     need now is jobs..."
 
                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                     4. "My opponent wants to protect the jobs 
                     of the past; I have a plan to create the 
                     jobs of the future."
                     
                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                     5. "[Delegates] affirm...that [they] are 
                     the party of hard-working people and the 
                     sworn enemies of special privilege..."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                     6. "We believe in [candidate],...who 
                     represents the national interest, not 
                     just the aggregation of well-connected 
                     special interests..."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                     7. "We have taught our children to respect 
                     single parents [and] about the tragedy of 
                     diseases like breast cancer..."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                     8. "As an adult, I watched her fight off 
                     breast cancer. And again she taught me a 
                     lesson about courage. And always, always 
                     she taught me to fight.."
 
                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                     9. "We in this convention hall know 
                     America needs a fighter..."
 
                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                        10. "Therefore we call for a revolution 
                        in government..."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                        11. "The American revolution is never 
                        ending..."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                        12. "This election is about...putting 
                        people first..."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                        13. "[Candidate] believes in you..."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                        14. "(We) believe health care should remain 
                        in the hands of the people, not bureaucrats." 

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican
 
                        15. "I have a plan to provide affordable 
                        health care for every American -- and
                        [for] expanding coverage to the poorest 
                        of the poor."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                        16. "I am here to renew a journey our 
                        founders began more than 200 years ago.... 
                        I believe that now is the time to bring 
                        those ideals and dreams home."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                        17. "You see, there is a yearning in America, 
                        a feeling that maybe it's time to get back 
                        to our roots."
 
                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                        18. "Since its inception, [our party] has 
                        respected every person, even when that 
                        proposition was not universally popular. 
                        Today...we insist that no American's 
                        rights are negotiable."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                        19. "I come from [town], a small town in 
                        [state]. I had an upbringing like many 
                        in my generation -- a life built around 
                        family, public school, Little League, 
                        basketball and church on Sunday... 
                        Our people were strong..."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican

                        20. "[And] so we must re-ask the question: 
                        Is America better off today than she was 
                        four years ago?"

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican
 
                        21. "Today America stands at the crossroads. 
                        It is a time for choose: their way of more 
                        taxes or our way of more jobs; their way of 
                        government or our way of more opportunity."

                            A. Democrat    B. Republican


                        ANSWERS: 
                        1. A. Democratic platform 
                        2. A. Democratic platform 
                        3. A. Mario Cuomo 
                        4. B. George Bush 
                        5. A. Rep. Dave McCurdy 
                        6. B. Republican platform 
                        7. B. Dan Quayle 
                        8. A. Bill Clinton 
                        9. B. Labor Secretary Lynn Martin
                       10. A. Democratic platform
                       11. B. Bush
                       12. A. Clinton
                       13. B. Martin
                       14. B. Republican platform
                       15. B. Bush
                       16. A. Gore
                       17. B. Bush
                       18. B. Republican platform
                       19. B. Quayle
                       20. B. Martin (She said yes.)
                       21. B. Sen. Phil Gramm
                       
                        ---------------------------------------------
                                             -end-


