

%================================================%

           C  H  I  P  ' S    C  L  O  S  E  T     C  L  E  A  N  E  R

               Humor  *  Trivia  *  Pop Culture  *  Fun
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                                      I S S U E   N O.  6

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            All contents (c) copyright Chip Rowe or individual authors.
            E-mail: chip@playboy.com (faster) or chiprowe@reach.com

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            CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER NO. 11 NOW AVAILABLE!

            The latest issue of CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER -- 28 pages of 
            humor, trivia, pop culture and fun -- is now available for 
            $3 plus $1 postage from Chip Rowe, 175 North Harbor Dr.,
            Chicago, IL 60601-7358. 

                       Unseen Spinal Tap! 
                          Zine and Book Reviews 
                     	Why I Love Swear Words
                     	    My Girlfriend Wears My Favorite T-Shirts 
                                          Catalog from Hell
                                             50 Ways To Say You Masturbate 
                                                 and Much More!

	++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

                CHIP'S CLOSET CLEANER NO. 10 NOW AVAILABLE!
                          
                   Normal People Who Collect Odd Stuff
                         Dentists on Film
                               Weekly World News Index
                                   World's Largest Musical Fountain
                                             TV Mantras
                                                   Zine Reviews
                                                          Walter Cronkite's Favorite Color 
                                                                  $2 plus $1 postage

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    contents CONTENTS contents CONTENTS contents CONTENTS 
                                                                        
                        Coupon Experiments
                        Fan Letters to Food Companies
                        Meet My Friends: Sue, the Preacher's Girl
                        Hordes at the Ford Museum

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YOU SAY CHEAP, I SAY CHIP

                    When I was in the fifth grade, in 1978-79, I 
                     noticed that my mother no longer took advan-
                     tage of cents-off coupons for additional 
                     savings on her grocery bill. Being an 
                     inquisitive and anal-retentive youth, I 
                     inquired why. "It's cheaper to just buy the 
                     generic brands than brand-names, even with 
                     a coupon," she explained. That set me to 
                     thinking. Could an experiment be formulated 
                     to test her hypothesis?

                     I compiled a list of food items and brought 
                     the idea to my teacher, Mrs. Fotchman. She 
                     agreed to offer extra credit if I were to 
                     conduct the experiment during my Christmas 
                     vacation. Over the next three Sundays, I 
                     dutifully visited Meijer Thrifty Acres with 
                     pen and pad and recorded the prices of nearly 
                     300 items. My mother joined me on the final 
                     Sunday to complete my survey, and we spent 
                     hours walking up and down the aisles, laughing 
                     and frolicking and trying to find the Corn 
                     Chex. We bonded as only a mother and son can 
                     when they're conducting an asinine, pointless 
                     experiment at a local discount store full of 
                     obese, suspicious and inpatient Americans. 
                     (More later on the results.)

                     Coupons had been a source of hours of shared 
                     "quality time" between my mother and I for 
                     many years before my experiment. I have vivid 
                     memories of sitting at the kitchen table and 
                     sorting coupons into the plastic red organizer 
                     that she carried to the grocery store. Later, 
                     after I received a calculator as a birthday 
                     gift, I computed how many coupons I'd have to 
                     clip, given that each had a "cash value of 1/20 
                     of a cent" (written on each one, in tiny type) 
                     to double my $1 a week allowance. I didn't 
                     consider where I'd take 2,000 coupons to get 
                     my extra dollar if I ever did manage to collect 
                     them; I just figured there was a place with 
                     some old lady behind a counter, like when you 
                     cashed in soda cans.

                     Because I'm the type of person who will blow 
                     $1,179 on a leather reading chair but still 
                     feel great satisfaction when a grocery clerk 
                     doubles my 25-cent macaroni-and-cheese coupon, 
                     I thought an issue of the Cleaner that 
                     examined couponing would be fun. Thriftiness 
                     is one of the many American ways, and for some 
                     reason -- besides poverty -- I've always en-
                     joyed handing a stack of coupons to a cashier. 
                     (My personal record: $18 off a $68 bill.) My 
                     memories of couponing include the secretary 
                     at the Grand Haven Police Department who
                     supposedly ran a criminal coupon-ring where 
                     she earned thousands of dollars each year by 
                     sending in bogus rebate claims. I called her 
                     once, nervously, and asked if the rumors were 
                     true and if I could write a newspaper story 
                     about it.

                     She said no. The secretive world of couponing 
                     has fascinated me ever since.

                     Besides the secretary, I have never directly 
                     encountered a rebate queen (or king). They're 
                     elusive. I recall that as a high school bagger 
                     at Meijer's (years after my mother and I shared 
                     that special afternoon), I noticed many of the 
                     dry food items had the UPC codes sliced off 
                     them. Apparently couponers brought tiny Exacto 
                     knifes and furtively cut the codes off the 
                     boxes. That way, they didn't have to buy the 
                     product but could send in the UPCs for rebates. 
                     Nowadays, food manufacturers also require 
                     that you send in your receipt. More than once 
                     when I was bagging groceries I watched customers 
                     ask the clerks to ring up items separately so 
                     that they'd have different receipts for each.

                     A controversy recently erupted over the 
                     practice of grocery stores in some cities to 
                     double coupons. Say you clip a coupon that 
                     saves you 25 cents on a can of soup. The 
                     grocery then doubles the coupon, so you save 50 
                     cents. But most stores won't double coupons 
                     worth more than 50 cents. So, if your coupon
                     is worth 55 cents, you only save 55 cents.

                     The thing is, in cities where grocery chains 
                     double coupons, there are few 50 cent coupons 
                     in the Sunday paper. Instead, they're all 55 
                     cents. In cities such as Chicago and 
                     Philadelphia, which has less intense grocery 
                     wars, the same coupons are 50 cents. I don't 
                     think enough has been written about this.

                              ----------------------------------------------
               |                                                 
               |            T H E   E X P E R I M E N T
               |
               |   "Name Brands with Coupons vs. Generics Without:
               |   Which is Cheaper?"
               |
               |                  Chipper R. et al. 
               |
               |        Presented to Mrs. Fotchman, January 1979
               |
               |   Conclusion: It's cheaper to buy the generic and
               |   store-brand products than to buy name-brands
               |   using cents-off coupons.
               | 
               |   Methodology: I collected 510 coupons for 278
               |   products from newspapers, magazines and the
               |   coupon exchange shoe box at the public library.
               |   My mother and I visited Meijer Thrifty Acres
               |   on Dec. 3, Dec. 10 and Dec. 17 and compared the
               |   prices of brand-name products purchased with
               |   coupons to generic and store brand products
               |   purchased without coupons. If a comparable
               |   generic or store brand wasn't available, we
               |   considered the cost of the least expensive
               |   brand-name product without the coupon savings.
               |
               |      Sample of brand-name items checked:
               |                                                   
               |      Aunt Jemima Jumbo Waffles @ 65 cents
               |                            (minus 7 cent coupon)
               |
               |      Crazy Cow cereal @ $1.03 
               |                             (minus 10 cent coupon) 
               |
               |
               |      Sample of generic brands checked:
               |                                                   
               |      Generic-brand peanuts @ $1.09 
               |                                                   
               |      Meijer's wheat bread @ 59 cents
               |
               |
               |   Results: Total cost of brand-name items: $508.13
               |             Minus total of coupon savings: -$65.57
               |                     Total brand-name cost: $442.56
               |   Total of lowest-priced brand available
               |            of item with no coupon savings: $322.02
               |                                Difference: $120.54
               |
                              ------------------------------------------------------


                        WE LOVE YOUR PRODUCT: SEND US MONEY

                     Because this is the couponing issue, we got to 
                     thinking: Do food makers get fan letters? More 
                     importantly, for the price of a few stamps, 
                     could we collect enough quality cents-off 
                     coupons to satisfy our craving for thrift?

                                                               * * *

                     Grape-Nuts 
                     (Kraft General Foods, White Plains, New York)

                     Letter: I thought since you all probably hear 
                     complaints from a bunch of whiny kooks all day, 
                     I'd drop a line. I've put Grape-Nuts on my 
                     yogurt every morning since mid-February (my 
                     neighbor suggested it) and let me tell you it
                     makes it taste a lot better. I also have a 
                     question: Where did the name Grape-Nuts come 
                     from? It does seems kind of odd. You've probably 
                     been asked before.

                     Days to Respond: Nine. 
                     
                     Answer question?: No.

                     Response: Sandra Norris, Manager: "Thank you 
                     for sharing your thoughts with us about Grape-
                     Nuts. We try to create new products that will 
                     add convenience and variety to your meals. 
                     It is nice to hear that our efforts have been
                     successful."

                     Enclosures: 40-cent coupon for Good Season Fat-
                     Free Dressing. Brochure with recipes for Yabba 
                     Dabba Doo Squares, Peanut Butter and Jelly 
                     Muffins, others. 
                     
                     Total take (minus 29-cent stamp): 11 cents.

                                                             * * *

                      Classico Pasta Sauce 
                     (The Creamette Co., Minneapolis)

                     Letter: You guys make a great spicy hot pepper 
                     pasta sauce! How did you get the spiciness 
                     just right, so it's not too hot and not too 
                     wimpy? Chip R., Retired, U.S. Marines

                      Days to Respond: 32. 
                     
                     Answer question?: No.

                     Response: Debbie Doepel, Consumer Relations: 
                     "Dear Consumer: Thank you for taking the time 
                     to contact us regarding our products. We always 
                     enjoy hearing from our consumers."

                      Enclosures: 50-cent coupon and recipes.

                      Total take (minus stamp): 21 cents.

                                                            * * *

                     Old El Paso Refried Beans 
                     (Pet Incorporated, St. Louis)

                     Letter: You guys make some great refried 
                     beans (not the ones with the green chiles, 
                     too hot for me, but the plain ones). I make 
                     a lot of burritos because they're easy to 
                     make and I lived in Mexico for a few months 
                     when I was younger. But that's another story! 
                     (ha!) Where do you get the recipe for your
                     Mexican foods? Do you have workers from 
                     Mexico?

                     Days to respond: 23. 

                     Answer question?: No.

                     Response: Robin D. Dixon, Consumer Affairs 
                     Correspondent: "It was a pleasure to read 
                     your letter about Old El Paso products. It 
                     really means a lot -- to all of us."

                     Enclosures: Coupon for free Old El Paso product.

                     Total take (minus stamp): 16-ounce salsa, $2.80.

                                                               * * *

                     Minute Maid Orange Juice 
                     (Coca-Cola Foods, Houston)

                     Letter: Let me start off by saying that your 
                     orange juice is very good. I think there's 
                     too much ugliness and put-downs in the world 
                     and so I'm writing to say I really like your 
                     product. I also want to know, because my wife 
                     said to put this in, What happens to all the 
                     oranges after you squeeze them?

                      Days to Respond: 42. 

                     Answer question?: Yes.

                      Response: Kandie E. Thomas, Consumer Information 
                     Center Representative: "Dear Mr. and Mrs. R: 
                     Thanks so much for taking the time to offer your 
                     kind words about our [space left blank]. Consumer 
                     comments help guide us in our continuing effort 
                     to win for our products the highest acceptance 
                     in the marketplace. To address the question of 
                     "What happens to all the oranges after you 
                     squeeze them"? The by-products of the oranges 
                     contribute to useful products such as feed 
                     for farm animals, horses, cows and pigs. Hope 
                     this information is helpful...and I hope that 
                     you will recommend our products to your friends."

                     Enclosures: Four 25-cent coupons for Minute 
                     Maid Premium Choice Florida Squeezed Orange Juice

                      Total Take (minus stamp): 71 cents.

                                                              * * *

                      Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard 
                     (American Home Foods, Lisle, Illinois)

                      Letter: Your mustard is great. Can I score some 
                     coupons?

                      Days to Respond:  Nine. 
                     
                     Answer question?: Yes.

                     Response: Annjane Tanner, Consumer Affairs 
                     Representative: "Savings on many of our food 
                     items are available by making use of our 
                     coupons that appear in many of our newspaper 
                     ads."

                     Enclosures: 25 coupons (including one for 
                     20 cents off Gulden's) worth a total of $10.

                      Total take (minus stamp): $9.71

                                                              * * *

                     Pinata Tortillas 
                     (Alex Foods, Inc., Anaheim, California)

                     Letter: I tried your tortillas the other week 
                     for the first time, and they're really good. 
                     I've never written a letter to any food before, 
                     but what the heck. Maybe I can make a difference. 
                     One question: I've never seen any coupons for 
                     your tortillas. Do you have them?

                     Days to Respond: 29. 
                     
                     Answer question?: Yes.

                      Response: Ginger Naig, Sales Administrator: 
                     "If [sic] is always a pleasure to hear from 
                     a satisfied customer."

                     Enclosures: Four 25-cent coupons for Don 
                     Miguel Breakfast Burritos, two coupons for 
                     free Pinata burritos and two coupons for 
                     free packages of Pinata tortillas.

                     Total take (minus stamp): $4.97

                                                      * * *

                     Noodle Roni 
                     (Golden Grain, San Leandro, California)

                     Letter: Don't think I'm a complete weirdo, 
                     because usually I don't write letters to 
                     foods I eat, but what a great thing I've 
                     found in your Noodle Roni. I've got two 
                     kids and after working all day, it's great 
                     to be able to stir up dinner for both of 
                     them in a few minutes without having to 
                     nuke something. I just thought the other 
                     day about how thankful I was for products
                     like that, and what the hay I'll type a 
                     letter at work!!

                     Days to Respond: 13. 
                     
                     Answer question?: Didn't ask one.

                     Response: Susan Plantz, Senior Consumer 
                     Response Specialist, Consumer Response 
                     Group: "The comments of our consumers 
                     are always welcome and we appreciate
                     having them on record."

                     Enclosures: Coupon for free Noodle Roni.

                     Total take (minus stamp): $1.19 

                                                        * * *

                     Country Crock Margarine 
                     (Van Den Bergh Foods, Lisle, Illinois)

                     Letter: Your Country Crock Churn Style 
                     margarine is really good. I'm a big
                     fan, and I've tried lots of margarines 
                     (usually what's on sale) and haven't
                     liked them as much. If you write back, 
                     can you tell me what churn style means?

                     Days to respond: 25. 

                     Answer question?: No.

                     Response: Lisa Moore, Consumer Representative: 
                     "Our goal has always been to provide consumers 
                     with the highest quality food products to meet 
                     their individual taste preferences. A personal 
                     commendation such as yours is most welcome."

                     Enclosures: Coupon for free Shedd's Country 
                     Crock 3 lb. margarine tub.

                      Total take (minus stamp): $2.35

                                                                     * * *

                      Hershey's Kisses Pudding 
                     (Hershey's Chocolate, Hershey, Pennsylvania)

                     Letter: Jell-O spends a few years developing 
                     a pudding, and then you guys make one that's 
                     better in half the time. Am I right? I've 
                     always loved your Kisses, and your pudding 
                     didn't disappoint.

                     Days to respond: Nine. 

                     Answer question?: No.

                      Response: Elsie Claudio, Consumer Respondent: 
                     "We are proud of our commitment to excellence."

                     Enclosures: Five brochures: Nutrition 
                     Information for Consumers; Pasta Sampler; Pasta: 
                     A Food for Today; Hershey's Brownie Sampler; 
                     Hershey's Cocoa 5-Minute Recipes.

                     Total take (minus stamp): Negative 29 cents.

                                                                  * * *

                      Lender's Big n' Crusty Bagels 
                     (Kraft General Foods, West Haven, Connecticut)

                     Letter: I'm writing to say that I love Big 
                     n' Crusty bagels. Those others, the smaller 
                     ones you make, they aren't enough to fill me 
                     up for breakfast and get me going!! Also, I 
                     have a question, although it may be kind of 
                     dumb, but do you make new bagels out of the 
                     part that you punch out of the middle (the
                     hole)? Don't think I'm strange, I'm just a 
                     normal person.

                     Days to respond: No response. Closet Cleaner 
                     boycott in effect.

                      Total take (minus stamp): Negative 29 cents.


                                    ---------------------------------------

                                                   C L I P P I N G S

                     "When people start cutting heads off of 
                     bodies and having sex with corpses, I
                     find that shit obscene. That's in a lot 
                     of music. But if you're into it, then
                     that's your thing. That's the reason we 
                     live in America."

                     -- Luther Campbell, lead singer of the 
                     rap group 2 Live Crew, whose album, "As
                     Nasty as They Wanna Be" was deemed obscene 
                     in Broward County, Florida, because of its 
                     coarse language and vulgar references to 
                     women.

                     "Mr. Strauss said, 'I was having lunch with 
                     Dick the other day and he was complaining 
                     about what Hill thought of him; what the press 
                     wrote about him; and so on. Finally, he said, 
                     'But why do people take such an instant
                     dislike to me?' I said, 'Because it saves time.'"  
                     
                     -- from a story in the New York Times

                     "Some suppliers are bailing out. American 
                     Packing Co. says airline penny-pinching on 
                     its familiar sickness bags is so bad that 
                     the company has largely switched to selling 
                     altered versions of the paper pouches to 
                     microwave popcorn producers."  
                     
                     -- from the N.Y. Times

                                ------------------------------------------


                                       MEET MY FRIENDS: SUE

                     In this issue, we begin a series of interviews 
                     with my friends. I met Sue, who grew up in Hood 
                     River, Oregon, during college.

                     CC: What the strangest dream you've ever had?

                     Sue: I remember one where I was being chased 
                     by an usher from our church and he put his 
                     thumb into my throat. I can't explain that, 
                     because he's a nice guy. I was thinking, 
                     "My, that's painful." Then there was a 
                     commercial break, and when you come back, 
                     I've solved the whole case and am showing 
                     reporters the scar in my neck.

                     CC: Are you religious?

                      Sue: Yes. I was raised as a preacher's 
                     daughter. So I went to church and Sunday 
                     School every day of my life until I went 
                     to college.

                     CC: One thing the church is really messed 
                     up on is sex. What did your parents say 
                     when you moved in with your boyfriend 
                     during your last year of school?

                     Sue: We shared the same apartment, but...
                     well, we had separate bedrooms.

                      CC: Um-hum.

                      CC: Do you have any vivid childhood memories?

                      Sue: I remember accidentally breaking my 
                     older sister's ukulele and getting spanked 
                     on the bare butt. And also that whenever 
                     we had a baby-sitter, we'd always get 
                     chicken-pot pies as a treat. So we'd run 
                     around the house yelling, "Chicken pies! 
                     Chicken pies!"

                     CC: That's touching.

                      Sue: Yeah. I also remember when my Aunt Carmen 
                     was playing the Tickle Monster and it was 
                     the most frightening and delightful thing. 
                     We were running, and my sister ran into 
                     the bathroom and slammed the sliding door 
                     right on my pinkie and locked it. I went to 
                     the hospital and I got a balloon and a shot 
                     in the butt. See the scar on my finger?

                     CC: Is there anything that no one knows about 
                     you?

                     Sue: I have a geographic tongue. There are 
                     little white lines on my tongue and they 
                     move. Every morning I get up and check to 
                     see what my tongue looks like today. They 
                     don't know how you get it or how to get rid 
                     of it, but it doesn't hurt.

                      CC: Have you ever been to Disneyland?

                     Sue: When I was a kid. And last summer, Greg 
                     and I went to DisneyWorld, but it wasn't the 
                     same. All the rides at Epcot are sponsored by 
                     GE or Exxon, telling you all the great things 
                     they've done to bring people along. And they 
                     all start in prehistoric times and end in the 
                     space age. Pretty predictable.

                     CC: Do you have any other funny stories from 
                     your childhood?

                     Sue: There was a girl who lived down the 
                     street, and she was my best friend/worst enemy, 
                     you know? One time we put detergent in their 
                     family's sprinklers because we thought it'd 
                     make suds. But instead it just turned their
                     lawn blue, and they called the police. So 
                     she comes over -- her name was Kerri -- and 
                     says, "I found a long blonde hair in the 
                     sprinkler, kinda the color of your hair." 
                     Later her brother let the air out of my dad's 
                     car tires as revenge, so we felt bad. Another 
                     time, we called all her friends and pretended
                     to be her and invited them over to her house 
                     for pizza and roller-skating. Then we sat 
                     outside and watched them arrive. The older 
                     girls made me run over and say, "I'm sorry 
                     I can't come to your party, Kerri, I'm really 
                     busy. Gotta go!" That way she wouldn't suspect 
                     us.

                     CC: Anything else we should know?

                      Sue: I have a dent in my nose, right underneath 
                      here. I have people come up to me and say, "Oh, 
                      you have a little dirt on your nose." But when 
                      I get to the restroom, it's my dent.

                      CC: Do you remember your first kiss?

                      Sue: Yep. It was at camp before the ninth grade. 
                      It was all tongue. I was thinking, "This is 
                      it? This is disgusting." I actually had my 
                     first orgasm before my first kiss.

                     CC: How'd that work?

                     Sue: I was slow-dancing in the eighth grade 
                     with a friend in a basement. It was to the 
                     song "Mandy" by Barry Manilow. I didn't even 
                     know I was having an orgasm; I just thought, 
                     "Boy, this is a great dance."

                     CC: So, the guy had no role whatsoever.

                     Sue: Nope...sorry.

                                       ------------------------------------


                                          HORDES AT THE FORD

                     If you're ever passing through Grand Rapids,
                     Michigan, puttering along on the Gerald R.
                     Ford Freeway, stop by the triangular Gerald
                     R. Ford Museum near the center of town.
                     You can't miss it: It's the color of oatmeal
                     and has skyscraper-sized windows and door
                     handles shaped like the presidential seal.

                     The museum, which last year celebrated its
                     10th anniversary, is one of only nine
                     presidential museums. (The others honor
                     Hoover, FDR, Eisenhower, Truman, Kennedy,
                     Johnson, Carter and Reagan.) Of course,
                     all those presidents were elected. Ford
                     is the only executive officer to ever have
                     been appointed to both the vice presidential
                     and presidential positions. We in Michigan
                     have long been known for our tradition of
                     mooching; Jerry Ford took the art so far
                     as to take over the country.

                     Every schoolkid in western Michigan, including
                     myself, has trooped through the Ford museum
                     several times and purchased a postcard or
                     presidential ruler or coffee mug in the gift
                     shop. Ford's autobiography, autographed, sells
                     for $25, as does the book of speeches, "Tributes
                     to Gerald R. Ford," with imitation leather
                     cover.

                     The museum's first floor usually has special
                     exhibits, such as the recent "Presidential
                     Pets." The display included the water dish of
                     Fala, FDR's favorite mutt; a sullen photo of
                     Laddie Boy after master Warren Harding has
                     gone to that great yard in the sky; and of
                     course, in a glass case, a red-and-blue dog
                     collar with white stars worn by Ford's beloved
                     Liberty.

                     Climbing the stairway to the second floor,
                     the sound of Ford's voice skates across the
                     shiny floor from all corners -- Ford for six
                     minutes as House Minority Leader, Ford for
                     five minutes as vice-president, five minutes
                     of the Carter debates. The displays are
                     arranged like a maze. One exhibit, which
                     shows "Ford's career in the context of 100
                     years of American history," looks like the
                     table at a flea market. There are Jerry
                     Ford campaign kitchen hot pads, a copy of
                     a book Ford wrote about Lee Harvey Oswald,
                     and a photo of Betty Ford, who "in 1945
                     helped introduce Grand Rapids to secular
                     and religious modern dance." Wheee!

                     Nearby, Ford is shown in a nearby photograph
                     ducking bullets from one of the two attempts on
                     his life while president. In another display,
                     Chevy Chase is described as a "comedian"
                     and Woody Allen as a "humorist." Perhaps
                     Woody was given the more dignified description
                     because he never mocked Ford with pratfalls.
                     "It was ironic that Ford," reads one exhibit,
                     "the most athletic of modern presidents [he
                     played football at the University of Michigan],
                     was the object of countless jokes and cartoons
                     portraying him as clumsy and accident-prone."

                     An expensive-looking glass case has the contents
                     of Ford's desk when he left the White House,
                     including a 1961 citation from the American
                     Political Science Association and a note from
                     Spiro Agnew telling Ford that he planned to
                     resign as V.P.

                     At 34, according to the museum guide-pamphlet,
                     Ford was "an eligible Grand Rapids bachelor
                     and quite comfortable living at home with his
                     mother and dad."

                     But not for long. Nearby is the penny Betty kept
                     in her shoe at their wedding for luck. She must
                     have taken it out during the 1976 election,
                     when Ford got beat by a former peanut farmer.

                     Nonetheless, the Grand Rapids native was "a man
                     of decency and good will and abiding ideals,"
                     an Eagle Scout, a Navy man. He was also among
                     Grand Rapids' most popular high school seniors,
                     and his father founded a paint and varnish
                     company.

                     The museum displays all lead to "Three Days
                     of the Presidency," which describes Ford's
                     masterful handling of the SS Mayaguez conflict,
                     a "full-scale international crisis" in May
                     1975. The back-lit exhibit includes a minute-
                     by-minute breakdown of events in the White
                     House after Cuban soldiers seized the
                     Mayaguez and its American crew. Nearby hangs
                     a photo of Ford doing his daily push-ups at
                     5:30 a.m., along with a shot later that day
                     of the president and loud-jacketed William
                     Perkins Jr. of Illinois, who had shaken hands
                     with every executive officer since Truman.

                     At 8:05 p.m. on the second day of the conflict,
                     "the Fords talked over aspects of the Mayaguez
                     crisis. Supper was meat loaf and mashed
                     potatoes." After the crew was rescued, there
                     was "widespread jubilation." (Didn't we get
                     that day off school?)

                     The last exhibits include photos of Ford
                     jumping on a trampoline and feeding deer at
                     Camp David, then being pushed into a pool by
                     Betty while learning to swim. Overhead, a
                     computerized voice at the museum is saying,
                     "He lost the White House, but he gained the
                     respect and admiration of America."

                     Finally, there are the bicentennial gifts
                     given to the Fords by regular Americans, since
                     Jerry and Betty happened to be in the White
                     House during the bicentennial. The gifts
                     include a Declaration of Independence made
                     with dried alphabet soup letters glued on
                     plywood and an American flag made of sturdy
                     1974 dollar bills.

                     ---------------------------------------

                     --end--
