                           Definition of a Twit
                           ---------- -- - ----

            This bulletin is based on a file downloaded from
                     Metro Shareware BBS in the USA

        It does NOT necessarily reflect the opinions of this Sysop.


 o Twits love DOWNLOADING. Uploading is for simpletons who can't tell 
   whether they are coming or going. If Twits designed modems, we'd all 
   have one which downloads at 18.2 K-Baud, and uploads at 300 baud. 
   If Twits wrote protocols,the smallest block they could receive would 
   be 10 megs.

 o Twits can't READ or COUNT. This is evidenced by their total inability 
   to comprehend System Rules, or Upload/Download Ratio's. But, for some
   strange reason, they can still use a computer.

   Because of this handicap, most Twits are unemployed. It is a miracle 
   that most of them haven't been retained by the State to pick up trash 
   on the expressways. They'd gladly volunteer for it, if it could be 
   done with a modem and they were called "Remote-Trash Downloaders".

 o Twits feel that the proper way to leave a board is to drop the carrier.
   They do this because they don't want to waste their valuable time 
   exiting via the "Goodbye" command, when they could spend that time
   calling another board.

 o Twits NEVER leave messages, unless it is rude, crude, or socially
   unacceptable. If an exception to this exists, it will probably be a
   creative one-liner such as "Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".
   Twits rarely reply to messages. Unless they enter a one-liner such as
   the one above.

 o Twits NEVER communicate with SysOps, unless it is to ask WHY such and 
   such file is unavailable, demand access to the "Private Area's", or 
   gripe about something. Mail from the SysOp is considered to be the 
   electronic equivalent of "Junk-Mail", and should be ignored. In fact, 
   there should be some form of law to stop it from being written.

 o Twits NEVER pay for access to a computer system. They see themselves as
   latter-day "Robin-Hoods", taking from the rich (SysOps) and giving to the
   Poor (Themselves). Their motto: "If it isn't free, it isn't worth having."

 o Twits NEED multiple user names and logon passwords on each board they call.
   This is the measure of their Twit-dom, and reflects their true status in
   the Twit-community. A Twit with only ONE user name and logon password per 
   board is a FAILURE, & faces censure and possible expulsion from their 
   peer group. (It is no wonder that Twits exhibit schizo-tendancies).

 o Twits know EVERYTHING. Just ask them. But, it'd take a crow-bar and
   dynamite to get any useful information out of them. These self-professed
   "experts" will RARELY stoop so low as to assist someone who may 
   genuinely need some help. After all, a REAL "hacker" never needs or 
   asks for help.

 o A Twit would not be caught dead using their REAL NAME when calling a BBS.
   In fact, Twits refuse to leave anything more involved than a handle when
   registering with a BBS. (EVERYONE knows who "Slinky Toy" is!!!)

   The ONLY exception to this rule is that they will often use SOMEONE 
   ELSE's real name. Or, they may use the name of a Heavy-Metal 
   rock & roll group.(Imagine a system where everyone is named "Guns&Roses")

 o Twits NEVER register their Shareware. Cash is what they use to buy faster
   modems. Program Authors are neurotic-compulsives, and if they did not
   serve a purpose, Twits would have them abolished completely.

 o Twits ADORE Sprint, MCI, and other long-distance credit card numbers, 
   IF they belong to someone else. This also applies to COMPUSERV, 
   SOURCE, etc. Their motto is: "If you can't steal it, 
   it can't be much fun".

 o A Twit is a "BBS Connoisseur".  They KNOW which BBS software is BEST and
   how your system SHOULD look and run. They will not hesitate to inform you
   if it fails to meet their demanding and rigid expectations. (They consider
   this a "Public Service") However,  they would NEVER trouble themselves to
   run their OWN bbs. That might take valuable time away from their duties as
   "Remotes" on the boards they spend all their waking moments calling.

 o Twits LOVE to page the SysOp, often just for the sheer hell of it. 
   They are most fond of "Late-Night" paging. This is the perfect time
   for them to explain the infallable logic as to why they should be given 
   Remote-SysOp access to your system. Their second most favored reason for 
   wanting to chat is "Just checking to see if you were THERE!"

 o Twits cannot comprehend WHY the IBM program they just downloaded won't 
   run on their Atari 800. After all, programs are programs, right? And, 
   any fool knows that a 32K machine can hold a 200K program.

 o Twits can't TOLERATE seeing a command that they can't use. Their motto 
   is "try, try again". If it didn't work the first time, it HAS to work 
   on the second, third, fourth, etc. No self-respecting SysOp would 
   intentionally offer them anything less than TOTAL ACCESS.

 o Twits are FASCINATED by DOS. Their quest for it rivals the search 
   for the legendary "Holy-Grail". They MUST reach it, through their 
   modem, or all is lost. What they would do with it if they reached it, 
   is probably a lot like what a dog who chases cars would would do with 
   one if he managed to catch it. (Pee on the tires?)

 o Twits are totally ENGROSSED by hardware. They can conceive of the most
   unorthodox, outrageous, and potentially lethal contraptions known on
   Earth. Occasionally, these "time-bombs" actually work. Any difficulties
   they experience with their computers will fall under the heading of
   "Miscegenation", or "Poetic Justice".

 o Twits CRAVE the LATEST version of "Goober-Pods", or "Space-Weenies". 
   To reward the SysOp for access to such mega-byte gems, they will upload
   VALUABLE and USEFUL programs in return. Such as "Weasel-Stompers" for
   the Commodore-64, providing it is less than 10K in size.

 o A Twit NEVER uses applications programs, and NEVER writes programs.
   (Programs are what Twits DOWNLOAD, and most can just BARELY write or spell)
   Their motto: "If you don't need a joystick to play it, it isn't worth
   having".

 o A real Twit will FLATLY REFUSE to use ANY compression method on files 
   they intend to upload. After all, SysOps sit and twiddle their thumbs 
   waiting on something to do, and should be GRATEFUL that they get ANY 
   uploads, EVER! They also refuse to upload documentation. 
   (It is crutch for weak minds and the hallmark of the Geek.)

 o Twits SUFFER if there are no "NEW" files on the system. There may be a
   correlation between "NEW" files and Twits, much as there is one which
   exists between dog-excrement and flies. The only difference is that flies
   usually leave after eating their fill. Twits don't.

 o Twits desperately NEED to become Remote-Sysops. They KNOW that EVERYONE
   else on the system has SysOp capabilities, and don't want to be excluded
   from all the fun! (Are all Twits created equal?)

 o Twits think that the "Caps Lock" key must be activated in order to 
   properly leave a message on a board.  They think that their message is 
   of such great importance that it must be screamed at everyone.

 o Occasionally an above average Twit who discovers that modeming can 
   be a two way street will attempt to get around upload/download ratios
   by renaming the same program fifteen or twenty times and using it to 
   fill the sysop's hard disk with redundant programs.  After all, rules 
   were meant to be broken,right?
